A biomechanical analysis of coitus
October 23, 2014 1:22 PM   Subscribe

Objective: To describe male spine movement and posture characteristics during coitus and compare these characteristics across 5 common coital positions. Results: Based on range of motion, the least-to-most recommended positions for a male flexion-intolerant patient are mSIDE, mMISS2, mQUAD2, mMISS1, and mQUAD1 (NSFW).
posted by elgilito (38 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
 
The latter 5 links there are all throwing a 403
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:25 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


Lambada, the 403 of love! Or something.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:29 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would think some variation of the cowgirl would be best for male LBP.
posted by Gwynarra at 1:33 PM on October 23, 2014


Is it me, or is "quadruped" the least sexiest-sounding sexual position ever?
posted by bondcliff at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


The science of "the Kennedy" at last.
posted by boo_radley at 1:41 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


Damn you boo - I came here for that joke.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 1:47 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Also I'm getting a 403 off the second link.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 1:49 PM on October 23, 2014


I have an l5s1 herniation. That's not a joke.
posted by boo_radley at 1:50 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've always loved the idea of bad back jack as a excuse against premature ejaculation - medical conditions suck - I meant no offense.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 1:52 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Is it me, or is "quadruped" the least sexiest-sounding sexual position ever?

You can have your "doggy style" - I fuck like a thylacine.
posted by atoxyl at 1:53 PM on October 23, 2014 [18 favorites]


Sorry for the 403. It is just a direct link to the Figure 4 that shows the different positions.
posted by elgilito at 1:55 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


None taken!
posted by boo_radley at 1:56 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Two variations of QUADRUPED were included in this study: one in which the female is supporting her upper body with her elbows (mQUAD1) and the other with her hands (mQUAD2).

The clinical descriptors are enough to make my back hurt, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:04 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
posted by IndigoJones at 2:13 PM on October 23, 2014


403. The forbidden positions.
posted by Splunge at 2:22 PM on October 23, 2014 [34 favorites]


A couple of excerpts:
Approximately 34%1 to 84%2 of males with LBP have reported a decrease in the frequency of coitus. Sexual activity is a known indicator of quality of life3 and is recognized as an integral measure of health and disability;


It is interesting to note that a seemingly subtle change in posture—for example, the male supporting his upper body with his elbows (mMISS2) or his hands (mMISS1) during different variations of MISSIONARY—altered the spine kinematic profile significantly;
This is super interesting to me. I don't have any notable back problems (and am not male), though my ex husband did (and he's male). It would be great to see more actual serious scientific studies on how to effectively accommodate various disabilities during coitus. I have serious respiratory problems, so I am not a fan of missionary: The last thing I want while already breathing hard is some man's weight on my chest. There are times when that can actually put me into respiratory distress, where I begin gasping and wheezing. Not exactly sexy fun times, that.
posted by Michele in California at 2:22 PM on October 23, 2014


atoxyl: "You can have your "doggy style" - I fuck like a thylacine."

Nine Inch Nails made a song about that, I think.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:32 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


For people who can't see the second link, the positions are, from least to most recommended:

The Flayed Man
Leg-Before-Wicket
The Taint Grinder
The Joystick
The Spinning Lotus of the Third Celestial Temple
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:46 PM on October 23, 2014 [49 favorites]


Does the Downhill Skier feature at all?
posted by GallonOfAlan at 2:48 PM on October 23, 2014


It's tough on the knees.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:55 PM on October 23, 2014 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: sexual activity is a known indicator of quality of life.
posted by randomkeystrike at 3:27 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Okay so seriously with the SCIENCE, can someone explain why MQUAD2 is less desirable than mQUAD4? They seems largely similar. I mean, it's possible I've been fucking wrong my whole life or something, but I can't see how the motion or positioning are significantly different.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:17 PM on October 23, 2014


I don't know if you have been fucking wrong your whole life, but you may be typing wrong. I don't see an mQUAD4 listed. So that kind of makes it hard to answer this with SCIENCE, since I can't find the data to which you refer.



Though I have terrible eyesight, so maybe I am just seeing wrong.
posted by Michele in California at 4:35 PM on October 23, 2014


403 - A pain in the ass.
posted by sfts2 at 4:43 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


A little early to lock up a 2015 Ig Nobel isn't it?
posted by stevis23 at 4:50 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


403 NSFW
bollocks
posted by adamvasco at 4:57 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Does the Downhill Skier feature at all?
posted by GallonOfAlan

It's tough on the knees.
posted by TheWhiteSkull


Yall are killin' me here.
posted by stinkfoot at 5:31 PM on October 23, 2014


Canadian Chiropractor summarized this study in their article on "when sex is a pain in the back":
Overall, the study found both men and women employ a lot of spinal motion during sex, said Sidorkewicz. “In general, to make any position more spine-sparing, we're recommending that the individual who's controlling the movement use more of their hips and knees, rather than their spine,” while their partner keeps a more neutral supine position.
posted by heatherann at 5:35 PM on October 23, 2014


Ah crap. I spent all those years looking for someone to help me with the Spinning Basket position. Nobody cares.

Well, I was always sort of fond of the elbows and knees posture--me on top, mostly. That way my partner gets to do some creative wiggling, and we could take turns spanking the pony.

Thanks for the link. I've dragged out a whole set of memories to enjoy in my dotage.
posted by mule98J at 5:44 PM on October 23, 2014


No reverse cowgirl? Psht. Not even trying for a bishop? Also, pillow placement is important, folks.
posted by emjaybee at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2014


Flagged Post as Other*

*aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhh
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:10 PM on October 23, 2014


Ah crap. I spent all those years looking for someone to help me with the Spinning Basket position. Nobody cares.

...
For a traditional production, you should make initial contact with the flying company at least ten weeks in advance of your installation dates or twelve weeks in advance of your opening date. Plan to have an agreement in place at least five weeks before you expect to see equipment arrive at your door. If your production is in the six week period leading up to Easter or Christmas (the busiest times for flying effects) or if you are mounting a production that may require a special flying system, it is best to add a few weeks to that.

posted by sebastienbailard at 7:15 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


No one really understands leg-before-wicket.
posted by cromagnon at 7:40 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


You can have your "doggy style" - I fuck like a thylacine.

With a bifurcated penis into your lover's two vaginas, and with your coin purse in your pocket*?

*Thylacines had a pouch to keep their pouch in. Convenient!
posted by Sys Rq at 9:55 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


From elgilito's link, you can download the graphs as a PowerPoint file to liven up your next Big Data meetup.

Think of all the home science that could be done with a Kinect and a limited sense of modesty...sounds like a MS XBox 360 Project Spark effort in the making.
posted by lon_star at 10:43 PM on October 23, 2014


relevant clickhole!
posted by ghostbikes at 10:38 AM on October 24, 2014


Metafilter: I've been fucking wrong my whole life
posted by the sobsister at 10:57 AM on October 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


Documenting female spine motion during coitus with a commentary on the implications for the low back pain patient (unfortunately paywalled), a follow-up study by the same authors, this time with a focus on female low back pain.The least-to-most recommended positions for a female flexion-intolerant patient are: fMISS2, fMISS1, fQUAD1, fSIDE, and fQUAD2.
posted by elgilito at 5:09 AM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


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