Drugs, stolen credit cards, and lots of free pizza

November 24, 2014 8:51 AM

The weird, disturbing, and hilarious things for sale on the Internet's largest black market. Evolution: The not-so-secret place on the Web that sells drugs, uranium and a guide to texting girls
posted by gemmy (43 comments total)

"The Ultimate Guide to Texting Girls," which calls itself "the complete guide on initiating, responding and being the man girls want to text."

Seems legit.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:58 AM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

Start with text negging, move on to text kino. Then move the texting to a different texting service. Boom. Just saved you 5$
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:59 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

or .005BTC
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:00 AM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

... you can also purchase an annotated text of the Bill of Rights, a copy of the "Navy SEAL Physical Fitness Guide," and for about $4 you can learn "How to Start and Train a Militia Unit."

That this tutorial is priced less than the one about texting girls should tell you something about Evolution's customer base.

Did somebody just change the channel to the USA Network? Because WE NEED A BURN NOTICE UP IN HERE.
posted by jbickers at 9:00 AM on November 24, 2014 [22 favorites]

There is an astonishingly high number of e-books and how-to's on everything from computer hacking to "how to get free pizza in the U.K."

Innocuous low-ticket virtual items allow newcomers to build a transaction history, that they might need before someone will send them hard goods.
posted by StickyCarpet at 9:01 AM on November 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

i would actually pay significantly more than 5$ to find out how to get free pizza in the usa. MetaBux Message me with reasonable offers/pizza.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:08 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

I would pay up to the cost of an actual pizza to get a "free" pizza, any time.

And getting girls (or, ye gods, even women) to text me? That's about the level of intimacy I'm prepared for at this point, so that works out.
posted by chicobangs at 9:12 AM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

The article seems rather weak. Another centralized website offering unrestricted sales via Tor. Fine. There would have been so much more interesting stuff to dig into, be it the peer-to-beer darknet market that's being developed (if Silk Road was Napster then this would be bit torrent) or one of the various russian Tor sites that keep on chugging along because russian cops don't care as long as you don't harm russian companies.

Instead the author chose to do a few screenshots. "Look, someone is claiming to be selling XYZ!" Come on.
posted by krautland at 9:16 AM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

> MetaBux Message me with reasonable offers/pizza.

Intermessage me 2.005 ℳetaℳarks and we'll talk about a guy you might want to know.
posted by boo_radley at 9:17 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

peer-to-beer darknet

I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.
posted by davros42 at 9:18 AM on November 24, 2014 [11 favorites]

that battle axe is pretty righteous, you gotta admit
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:18 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

and for about $4 you can learn "How to Start and Train a Militia Unit."

Authored by "Totally Not Homeland Security".
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:30 AM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Beware the barknet, where anyone could be a dog, and most are dogs. Dog's Only.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:32 AM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Beware the barknet, where anyone could be a dog, and most are dogs. Dog's Only.

And they take payment in Dogecoin only.
posted by BuxtonTheRed at 9:37 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

peer-to-beer darknet

I'm more interested in the beer-to-peer darknet.
posted by straight at 9:51 AM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

So, the pizza it's free?
posted by oddman at 9:55 AM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

This article is a weird mix of decent journalism and weird sensationalism. I think it's mostly the formatting style and images that makes it seem silly. Also the subheds. "More than 12,000 drugs for sale". I'd like one drugs, please.

Interesting that you can buy single credit card numbers for $8. I think they're cheaper on the established markets but then you have to buy in bulk.
posted by Nelson at 9:56 AM on November 24, 2014

FREE PIZZA available at my house. come DISCREETLY to my house in St Louis and give me illegal drugs for FREE PIZZA. I will make the FREE PIZZA for you while you sit at my kitchen table. You can eat the FREE PIZZA in a DISCREET MANNER in my kitchen or take it with you in a PLAIN BROWN BOX. If you choose to eat this FREE PIZZA here i can leave you alone or sit near you and sing you a song.

This is already my favorite one-act play of 2014
posted by clockzero at 10:01 AM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

Good pizza man sir I would like to order one extra-large thin-crust pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, and oxycodone please

am I

am I doing this right
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:05 AM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Do people really get their drugs shipped directly to their house? That seems very potentially risky.
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:12 AM on November 24, 2014

And convenient!
posted by heyho at 10:13 AM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

Do people really get their drugs shipped directly to their house? That seems very potentially risky.

with the drug vendors the reviews will frequently rate the 'stealth' of how well the product is concealed, eg vacuum sealed pouches
posted by p3on at 10:20 AM on November 24, 2014

If you choose to eat this FREE PIZZA here i can leave you alone or sit near you and sing you a song.

Now that's amore!
posted by octobersurprise at 10:22 AM on November 24, 2014

I would absolutely pay top dollar for free pizza. I'm living in the future!
posted by cell divide at 10:58 AM on November 24, 2014

Do people really get their drugs shipped directly to their house? That seems very potentially risky.

They do. It is.

Taking illegal drugs is pretty risky to start with, I guess.
posted by fivebells at 11:35 AM on November 24, 2014

I was just about to say /r/darknetmarkets ...
posted by yoHighness at 11:36 AM on November 24, 2014

Just found via there Meth heads make the best reviews
posted by yoHighness at 11:43 AM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

You can also purchase uranium on Amazon. Not exactly something you need to go to a black market for, unless you need large quantities or high radioactive content.

The frequently bought together for that page is pretty great though.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 12:43 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

This is already my favorite one-act play of 2014

It's almost like Pinter if Pinter had taken one too many bong rips.
posted by jonp72 at 12:51 PM on November 24, 2014

I may or may not have poked around on one of these marketplaces out of curiosity, and thought the weirdest thing was someone selling forged service animal certificates. I'm trying to picture the person who buys a forged guide dog certificate, and also buys the recommended harness.
posted by revgeorge at 12:58 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Well, one without the other just seems silly.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:16 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's almost like Pinter if Pinter had taken one too many bong rips.

I would dare to venture that it's almost like Pinter if he had taken exactly the right number of bong rips.
posted by clockzero at 1:17 PM on November 24, 2014

You can also purchase uranium on Amazon

Yes, we learned that from reading the article we are discussing here. The article notes that the Amazon version is much cheaper.
posted by Nelson at 1:54 PM on November 24, 2014

Can you even mail uranium? Is that like DHL Express or what? Because we sometimes get stuff off iHerb and they usually fuck that up pretty badly.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:11 PM on November 24, 2014

Metafilter: It's gonna hold your socks on while your shoes blow out your ass
posted by Otherwise at 3:02 PM on November 24, 2014

Every time I think about getting into one of these, I run up against the twin problems of not enough time to actually do drugs anymore, and goddamn Bitcoin seems like a pain in the ass.
posted by klangklangston at 3:21 PM on November 24, 2014

klangklangston: If you do enough drugs, bitcoin will sound like a great idea, and totally worth the pain in the ass. Sort of a chicken-and-egg problem though: Need drugs to want bitcoins, need bitcoins to get drugs.
posted by el io at 4:17 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

klangklangston: Yeah, searching through the reddit forums... this requires a shit-ton of dedication to do it right. I feel like I'd have to quit my job in order to do all the due diligence required just to buy a quarter bag of weed without getting arrested. Sigh, I miss the days when my next door neighbor was a reliable, not-totally-shifty weed dealer.
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:37 PM on November 24, 2014

I don't think there really is any way to do it right. The "drugs passing through the hands of Federal employees" part just seems unavoidably sketchy.

It's fascinating to watch people try, though.
posted by fivebells at 6:11 PM on November 24, 2014

I'm more interested in the beer-to-peer darknet.

Kid I know used to do this out of the basement of a punk house in Worcester back around '01. Made up huge batches of home brew and distributed it by bike, all under-the-table, all word-of-mouth. Community supported brewing! He was ahead of his time.
posted by ryanshepard at 7:55 PM on November 24, 2014

I was surprised to find out how easy it is to buy marijuana online in Canada: place an order from a menu of BC product, pay by Interac and a vacuum-sealed pouch is delivered by Canada Post 2-3 days later.
posted by Flashman at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2014

I feel like I'd have to quit my job in order to do all the due diligence required

It's not that hard, honestly. It helps if you are a very lazy person who is willing to take inadvisable shortcuts on the basis of exceedingly generous assumptions about the giveafuckity of the surveillance state.

In fact I was planning to go home tonight and try switching to Evolution for the first time (either for some weed, a gun that fires wizards, or impeccable Latvian haulage license papers, whatever strikes my fancy) but perhaps now that the Washington Post has a gigantic article about them, I might be better served ambling around gang territory after dark waving a fistful of twenties and yelling Victimise Me Please.
posted by forgetful snow at 8:26 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

Nelson: "Yes, we learned that from reading the article we are discussing here. "

Talk about burn notice.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:40 AM on November 25, 2014