All About The Bass (No Treble Hooks)

December 2, 2014 10:55 AM

In the spring of 1984, Davis caught an 8.7-pound bass in the KYKX Big Bass Classic. It wasn’t big enough to stuff and mount on the wall, but it was big enough to qualify for the $105,000 first prize. Winning two major bass fishing tournaments in less than a year? He was lucky. He was ecstatic. He was in deep shit. The Weight of Guilt.
posted by Ghostride The Whip (30 comments total)

So that was the bass in the cooler in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the boat. And those three fish in Texas. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well. I just don't understand it.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:14 AM on December 2, 2014 [36 favorites]

My internal reading voice went Minnesotan halfway through your comment
posted by starman at 11:33 AM on December 2, 2014 [6 favorites]

It's a story but not quite a story.. I liked Carl Hiaasen's take on it a bit better
posted by k5.user at 11:38 AM on December 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

I liked this. Could have used more of a point, but sometimes life isn't as neat as one would like one's evocative feature pieces to be.
posted by Diablevert at 11:46 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Fantastic FPP title, or most fantastic FPP title ever?
posted by mosk at 11:51 AM on December 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

From the article:

The contest judges raised questions about the 8.7-pounder and a number of other fish that had been caught in the tournament. They disqualified six contestants, including Davis. Turned out Davis had been under suspicion for a while in Texas. He had routinely failed the polygraph tests given to winners of tournaments.

Can we just back up for a sec, and discuss the fact that fishing tournaments have mandatory polygraph tests? What?
posted by Kadin2048 at 12:20 PM on December 2, 2014 [20 favorites]

Can we just back up for a sec, and discuss the fact that fishing tournaments have mandatory polygraph tests? What?

It may help to put it in context if I tell you that tournament bass fishermen are fucking crazy.
posted by fshgrl at 12:25 PM on December 2, 2014 [26 favorites]

Can we just back up for a sec, and discuss the fact that fishing tournaments have mandatory polygraph tests?

I can't shake the feeling that it's just tournament directors screwing with this writer.

"Here, hook Earl up to this and act like it's a lie detector."
"Oh, come on, Billy Ray. This is a goddamn depth meter. He won't fall for that."
"Gets him every time."
posted by Etrigan at 12:31 PM on December 2, 2014 [10 favorites]

Wouldn't a Coen brothers adaptation be wonderful?
posted by standardasparagus at 12:58 PM on December 2, 2014 [9 favorites]

Best use of HTML inline footnote things ever!

Every time I have to actually physically scroll down to read footnotes, I remember why we probably can't have nice things. I'm not really that interested in fishy behavior around sports in general (har har) but the inline cite boxes made me care.
posted by zinful at 1:19 PM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Either Coen Brothers or a Christopher Guest mockumentary would suit.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:25 PM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I found the ender quite tender, with Steve Bender's "Bends Mender."
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:42 PM on December 2, 2014 [9 favorites]

Best use of HTML inline footnote things ever!

Every time I have to actually physically scroll down to read footnotes, I remember why we probably can't have nice things.

Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't even bother to click on the references, having grown inured to the regular awful href anchor kind.
posted by zamboni at 1:45 PM on December 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Well, it's good to know that competitive fishing is as dumb and pointless as I'd always assumed! I think the day you find yourself wearing a string of bass under a raincoat to win a contest is the day you should question your life choices.
posted by emjaybee at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

It makes me wonder if they x-ray fish for lead sinkers, too? Or if that only happens in big contests when fish seem suspiciously heavy. Because I'm imagining lie detector tests and x-rays and MRIs and bender enders... where does it end?
posted by ldthomps at 2:05 PM on December 2, 2014

discuss the fact that fishing tournaments have mandatory polygraph tests

Well, they don't call them "fish stories" for nothing.
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:35 PM on December 2, 2014

"Every time I have to actually physically scroll down to read footnotes, I remember why we probably can't have nice things. I'm not really that interested in fishy behavior around sports in general (har har) but the inline cite boxes made me care."

They used to be better at Grantland, and presented as sidenotes, but I guess they wanted that real estate back.
posted by klangklangston at 2:48 PM on December 2, 2014

It may help to put it in context if I tell you that tournament bass fishermen are fucking crazy.

You're telling me! I thought this was about, you know, an 8.7lb bass. That a guy caught. Because it fell off the stage or something.
posted by sneebler at 3:13 PM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

So, cheating at bass fishing is alto likely to get you in tre... I'm sorry. I really am.
posted by Chitownfats at 3:18 PM on December 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

As an experienced bass fisherman I find it unlikely that he did this all with no treble hooks. That's the main tool of the trade.
posted by lester at 4:20 PM on December 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Man - so in Texas and Louisiana, prime states for the "get your government out of my private life!" mentality, the state police actually regulate bass fishing tournaments? That there seems pretty ridiculous to me.
posted by koeselitz at 4:25 PM on December 2, 2014

(Anybody want to take a guess at how many of our tax dollars have been wasted by cops diddling around with putatively fraudulent fishermen?)
posted by koeselitz at 4:26 PM on December 2, 2014

>As an experienced bass fisherman I find it unlikely that he did this all with no treble hooks. That's the main tool of the trade.

Wellllll....unless you are fishing C-rig, T-rig, or weedless/weightless plastics. Or spinnerbaits. Or jigging. Or flipping. Or drop-shotting. But for crankbaits, sure, treble hooks will be involved. :-)

Damn, now I want to go fishing! But it's November and my state has been feeling the effects of a serious drought for the last 12+ months...
posted by mosk at 4:33 PM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Man - so in Texas and Louisiana, prime states for the "get your government out of my private life!" mentality, the state police actually regulate bass fishing tournaments? That there seems pretty ridiculous to me.

It's right there in the pullquote -- this is a six-figure fraud.
posted by Etrigan at 4:41 PM on December 2, 2014

I’m huddled in between the seats on an 18-foot Triton TR186 bass boat on a frigid November afternoon. The driver of this boat, a 42-year-old angler named Keith Cleary, tells me that the boat can do over 50 mph.

Because largemouth bass are such extremely fast swimmers.

I suppose we can thank high stakes tournaments for these overpowered and inherently dangerous craft.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:44 PM on December 2, 2014

To paraphrase the Joker, you can tank the economy with fraudulent financial instruments and nobody goes to jail, but you cheat at a bass fishing tournament and everybody loses their mind.
posted by dr_dank at 7:56 PM on December 2, 2014

I hate tournament fisherpeople. They trash the lake, ruin the watershed and kill fish for no reason...
posted by HuronBob at 3:48 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Card Cheat: "So that was the bass in the cooler in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the boat. And those three fish in Texas. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well. I just don't understand it."

This was a thing of true beauty. Nicely done.
posted by jokeefe at 6:58 PM on December 3, 2014

The Card Cheat and/or jokeefe, I was trying to pick up on that reference. Is that adapted from No Country for Old Men? That's what it brought to mind for me but it has been ages since I read it, and slightly less time since I saw the movie.

Also, I enjoyed this article but it made me deeply sad. I grew up bass fishing periodically with my father and his friends. The highlight of a couple of my adolescent years was summer trips way up north in Maine to fish for small mouth bass, primarily, with a lucky salmon here or there. Personally it would ruin the whole experience for me to have it be competitive. I know that's a different thing than formal competitions but it's one of the few things I thought of as untainted. What a shame!
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 6:18 AM on December 4, 2014

It's from Fargo -- Frances McDormand says it after she arrests Peter Stormare at the end.
posted by Etrigan at 6:21 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]