Nowhere Men
December 4, 2014 1:02 PM   Subscribe

The Beatles Never Exisited
posted by fearfulsymmetry (57 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, there's nowhere for this to go but to laugh at the crazy people, which is a dynamic we try to avoid. -- restless_nomad



 
Is this a theory that there exists four simultaneous Beatles in a single rotation (and how the one-Beatle lie being taught in our schools is an affront against God)?
posted by surazal at 1:06 PM on December 4, 2014 [16 favorites]


I don't know why but I keep staring at this and laughing:

Coming Soon

"Different - And Frequently FAKE - Ears"

posted by naju at 1:09 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


This site is obviously fake; I personally have seen a rare photo of Paul planting an American flag on the moon.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:10 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


>And we ask, if these are all doctored, why are they being doctored to all look different instead of the same? To make us look silly for thinking there is a multiples conspiracy? That doesn't make us look silly, it makes it look like there are multiples. Which is a very serious problem, either way.

...Royal 'we'?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 1:11 PM on December 4, 2014


Or they might be shapeshifters.
posted by Librarypt at 1:12 PM on December 4, 2014


In their defense, not existing was a big thing back in the sixties. I have a lot of friends that didn't exist in the sixties.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 1:12 PM on December 4, 2014 [10 favorites]


It's astounding to realize that it's been over one thousand years since The Beatles walked the earth.
posted by The White Hat at 1:13 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


I am having so much fun looking at these pictures.

Was 1964 John recycled in 1967?
We may never know!!


(Wish we could recycle him now, though.)
posted by blurker at 1:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


The "forum" kind of makes me feel like this is less a "people on the internet sure do believe some weird shit" thing and more of a mental illness thing :/
posted by kagredon at 1:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [7 favorites]


There's a great documentary deep on the Internet about how Alfred Hitchcock was in on it and produced a lot of the screaming girls in their movie "chase scenes" from wax mixed with velvet fabric.
posted by glaucon at 1:16 PM on December 4, 2014


If the Beatles didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent them.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:17 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


oh my god the founder is the only one who has posted in the forum

there are a LOT of posts in the forum.
posted by ghostbikes at 1:19 PM on December 4, 2014 [10 favorites]


I don't care if they never existed, I still believe.
posted by uraniumwilly at 1:20 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


oh thank god i found a couple forum posts by other people, i can sleep tonight
posted by ghostbikes at 1:20 PM on December 4, 2014 [10 favorites]


I didn't even know websites designed like this and containing this sort of content even existed anymore. Hey, what's the "Tom Petty has been in a coma for years and Tom Petty you see on TV is an impersonator" guy doing these days?
posted by Kitteh at 1:21 PM on December 4, 2014


Oh, man, they got me with the eyebrow evidence. I'm a believer!
posted by blurker at 1:22 PM on December 4, 2014


I'm a believer!

The Monkees didn't exist either.
posted by dirtdirt at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [11 favorites]


I'm a believer!

No, the Monkees were real.
posted by Etrigan at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [7 favorites]


I'm a believer!

Wrong band.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


From the forum:
The way my research comes out at this time, and to go to the very, very, very bottom line, or the top of the pyramid, it would be an off-world intelligence controlling the international banking cartels who is in control of this, but they stay extremely well-hidden. They walk among us, of course, as clones, robotoids, androids, hybrids, etc. They are those in visible positions of so-called governmental power, hiding behind human-looking masks. The Queen, the Pope, the Jesuits, the Talmudists, they are the minions taking orders.

The most current information I have about Reptilians is, they were created right here on this planet by another race from a different world. Those who have the very most Reptilian DNA are too obviously not human, so they stay hidden underground. The others that we see "shapeshifting" are the ones with a higher ratio of Reptilian-to-Human DNA. They are the criminals, the serial killers, the greedy and lustful ones among us. It's the Humanitarians, the soulful Poets, the writers of true Love Songs, etc., the Artists of beauty, who are the true Humans. That's my take on it thus far from all this research. For example, the eye at the top of the Illuminati pyramid is not human, so what is it; what or whom does it represent?
posted by Librarypt at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


Nice work, guys.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014


Jinx! Faint of Butt owes me a Coke.
posted by Etrigan at 1:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Aww, nuts.
posted by blurker at 1:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Don't tell Mark Chapman about this.
posted by Freedomboy at 1:26 PM on December 4, 2014


I wonder if this guy knows about Klaatu?
posted by rocket88 at 1:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


If you study their music and cultural impact in enough detail it's actually quite reasonable to suggest, as Timothy Leary and others have done, that the most likely explanation for them is that they were aliens.
posted by colie at 1:28 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Actually, I was just watching this film of Penny Lane, and I'm kind of freaking out. There's something up. Paul looks more or less like the Paul we know, but everyone else just looks.. off? I dunno. John in particular is just wrong.

I think there might be something to this.
posted by dirtdirt at 1:29 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


If there were no Beatles, there would have been no Wings, and thus no Wonderful Christmastime.

Oh, to find a portal to that parallel Earth.
posted by delfin at 1:30 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]


For pretty much anything of even mild historical import, there is a group of people who think it didn't happen. Yesterday I learned there is such a group for nuclear technology. It's interesting how these conspiracy theories always swing back to the same weird mix of aliens, racism, anti-semitism, the Illuminati, "bankers" and so on. It's like, how many conspiracies can there be in the world? If all these groups are right, basically nothing has ever happened.
posted by mrbigmuscles at 1:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Different" heights..... oh fer cryin' out loud, the '60s featured lots of fun fashions for men, and that included boots: flat boots, boots with heels, boots with really high heels.

And the whole "swoopy eyebrows" thing. Sheesh, hasn't this guy ever seen The Rock and his mobile eyebrows?!?

And finally, the "rythmicness" or lack thereof can be explained by another '60s fun feature: drugs. Lots and lots of drugs at different times and strengths.
posted by easily confused at 1:33 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]


Argh! Thanks for the earworm, delfin.
posted by blurker at 1:33 PM on December 4, 2014


Thank you, fearfulsymmetry! I've been shopping around for a conspiracy theory I could really sink my teeth into. I didn't want it to be too far out (UFOs, alien autopsies) so that I'd have to ignore my scientific knowledge. And I didn't want something political that would alienate my friends of a different stripe and I didn't want it to be a murder/assassination conspiracy, because the forensics just bore me. And I didn't want it to be religious, because all my friends know me as an apatheist. And the "Elvis/Tupac lives" theories are just so jejune. Besides, I know Hendrix does and don't need to prove it to anyone.

But this! Ah, I can get real involved in pseudoanalyzing old photos by comparing heights of people standing at different distances and in different postures and shoe styles, gauging ear size and "rhythmicness" during performances to tease out the REAL TRUTH about how the Beatles were just some random group of guys who looked a certain way, but CHANGED OVER TIME!!!!!! I will begin contributing to this awesome website as soon as I make that appointment with Jimi.
posted by Mental Wimp at 1:34 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Woke up
fell out of bed
dragged a comb across my wig
found my swooped eyebrows and glued 'em on
and looking up, i realized i was tall
posted by naju at 1:35 PM on December 4, 2014 [19 favorites]


If there were no Beatles, there would have been no Wings, and thus no Wonderful Christmastime.

Paul McCartney never existed?
posted by uraniumwilly at 1:37 PM on December 4, 2014


that included boots: flat boots, boots with heels, boots with really high heels.

That's actually the main thing I see in this kind of reasoning is that the photograph is taken to be a perfect representation of reality from which all kinds of information can be extracted, but nothing outside the photograph, such as anything outside the frame, the world in which it was taken, or the means by which it was transmitted is even considered. It's the same process by which zoomed in, low-res video wobble becomes, like a guy with a shapeshifting head.
posted by anazgnos at 1:39 PM on December 4, 2014


Pete Best and Stu Sutcliff were actually impersonating each other, and John once impersonated himself by mistake.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:40 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]


Is this a theory that there exists four simultaneous Beatles in a single rotation (and how the one-Beatle lie being taught in our schools is an affront against God)?

No, the One Beatle Theory is correct! It just moves so fast it can appear to be in multiple places at one time. And if you don't convert to this correct way of thinking, I WEEL KEEEEEEEL YOUUUU!
posted by Mental Wimp at 1:41 PM on December 4, 2014


Call me naive, but I'm steadfastly MultiBeatle over SuperBeatle.
posted by jimmythefish at 1:42 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


If Paul can prove he never existed, he can prove he owes no taxes. Don't think I don't know who created this site.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:43 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


so if there were multiple beatles, what was the point of them breaking up?
posted by pyramid termite at 1:45 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


oh thank god i found a couple forum posts by other people, i can sleep tonight

oh thank god you dug through and found them i spent 5 minutes clicking around and was starting to believe
posted by brand-gnu at 1:45 PM on December 4, 2014


The Jupiter Beings. I... see...

I feel like I'm avoiding eye contact while reading.
posted by One Hand Slowclapping at 1:47 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Look, it should be obvious from a proper historical perspective that the poet known as "Beatles"was actually multiple authors working within a long standing oral tradition. Whether there actually ever was a poet as described, "barefoot, long bearded, mop headed" is doubtful, but the influence in the amero-english canon is indidisputable.
posted by happyroach at 2:01 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


I remember watching the HBO movie "Fatherland" years ago, which is a murder mystery set in an alternate universe (circa 1960's) where the Nazis won World War II. As with so many other alternate timeline narratives, they had fun with the changes both major and slight compared with our own timeline. Then there's a scene where a bus goes past a billboard with the Beatles on it, clear as day. The message from the film's creators was clear: No matter what happens in alternate timelines, the Beatles are constant and immovable.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:02 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


Pete Best and Stu Sutcliff were actually impersonating each other, and John once impersonated himself by mistake.

Actually, Pete Best was removed from the band after his clone died in a horribly gruesome accident involving a sack of letters thrown from a mail train. Birth-Best was only meant to be for publicity appearances and clone-Best for performances--the surviving Best couldn't passably fill both roles due to his lack of musical talent.

Ringo Starr are actually an identical twins and not part of the original cloning project. Richard and Gordon Starkey (hence Ringo, a portmanteau of their shortened names plus 'n' for 'and') were found after a talent competition organized on Formby pier in the summer of 1962.
posted by Thing at 2:02 PM on December 4, 2014


MetaFilter: Basically nothing has ever happened.



(Seriously though, isn't that the last line of Ringo's opening monologue in Yellow Submarine? There we go! PROOF!!11!)
posted by seyirci at 2:06 PM on December 4, 2014


What about the Rolling Stones ? You can't tell me there's just one Mick Jagger!!
posted by Pendragon at 2:12 PM on December 4, 2014


caught in a Murray the K-hole?
posted by AJaffe at 2:13 PM on December 4, 2014


The message from the film's creators was clear: No matter what happens in alternate timelines, the Beatles are constant and immovable.

The makers of Wolfenstein: the New Order don't think so!
posted by Pendragon at 2:15 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


The Beatles not only existed, they have always existed. In one form or another, not always musicians, not always four people, but they are an eternal archetype that manifests itself in each generation, sometimes more than once at once, according to the zeitgeist.

Unless they're really heroes in a half-shell.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:18 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


What about the Rolling Stones ? You can't tell me there's just one Mick Jagger!!

Actually, there's only Mick Jagger. Sadly I don't know exactly how the trick is done, but I understand it involves a very sophisticated setup of mirrors. Very sophisticated.
posted by Thing at 2:20 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


The Beatles not only existed, they have always existed. In one form or another, not always musicians, not always four people, but they are an eternal archetype that manifests itself in each generation, sometimes more than once at once, according to the zeitgeist.

You might get a kick out of The Einstein Intersection where that's...pretty much the case!
posted by foxfirefey at 2:21 PM on December 4, 2014


And the whole "swoopy eyebrows" thing.

I'm sitting here trying to imagine this guy's reaction if he could see me right now, changing the shape of my eyebrows at will with nothing but the expressions on my face.
posted by straight at 2:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]


What about the Rolling Stones ? You can't tell me there's just one Mick Jagger!!

Actually, there's only Mick Jagger. Sadly I don't know exactly how the trick is done, but I understand it involves a very sophisticated setup of mirrors. Very sophisticated.


Keith Richards has done so many drugs that we're hallucinating him.
posted by Etrigan at 2:34 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]


I want to believe.
posted by nubs at 2:38 PM on December 4, 2014


>From the forum

Huh, I had wondered where David Icke had gotten to these days. Thanks for pointing that out Librarypt!

Wow, and even Silversong's forum avatar looks like the cover to a David Icke book, if perhaps a little less busy.
posted by wyndham at 2:39 PM on December 4, 2014


This guy's making me feel like John's never been born.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 2:39 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]


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