JokeFilter

December 4, 2014 8:59 PM

What's the one joke you always tell when someone says "Tell me a joke." (SLReddit)
posted by storybored (364 comments total)

Featuring this truly awful wonderful pun:

"A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"
What happens when you drink food coloring?
You dye a little on the inside."
posted by storybored at 9:01 PM on December 4, 2014 [49 favorites]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
posted by The Notorious SRD at 9:08 PM on December 4, 2014 [70 favorites]

Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. The first penguin turns to the other and says "hey, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo" and the second one says "What makes you think I'm not?"







GET IT THEY'RE PENGUINS





it's funny because he's probably not wearing a tuxedo
posted by daisystomper at 9:09 PM on December 4, 2014 [19 favorites]

What's the key to comedy?
posted by gwint at 9:13 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

heyooo
posted by phunniemee at 9:13 PM on December 4, 2014 [13 favorites]

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me today. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
posted by kmz at 9:14 PM on December 4, 2014 [89 favorites]

TIMING
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:15 PM on December 4, 2014 [51 favorites]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A CLOUD
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [19 favorites]

Why can't Helen Keller have kids?

Because she's dead.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [20 favorites]

A cop sees a clown motoring down the highway, and he pulls him over. The clown has a set of dangerous-looking knives on the seat beside him. The cop goes: "Hey buddy, whaddaya doing with them knives?" And the clown goes "I juggle them". "Oh yeah?' says the cop. "This I'd like to see." So the clown gets out of the car and starts juggling the knives.
Meanwhile a guy drives by with his wife. He sees the clown juggling. He turns to his wife and says: "Honey, I'm so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you take now!"
posted by storybored at 9:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [20 favorites]

See? I waited just long enough.
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:18 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I eat mop.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:18 PM on December 4, 2014 [22 favorites]

So, this guy walks into a bar and says "OW!"
posted by sexyrobot at 9:18 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

Ewww
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:18 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Q: What is the pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
A: AAARRRRRR!
Q: Aye, ye'd think so, but the first true love of any pirate has always been the 'C'
posted by surazal at 9:19 PM on December 4, 2014 [86 favorites]

What to you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
posted by KGMoney at 9:20 PM on December 4, 2014 [29 favorites]

KGMoney: What to you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A: AAAARRRRRR!!!
posted by surazal at 9:22 PM on December 4, 2014 [18 favorites]

What's blue and white, and if it falls out of a tree and onto you, will kill you?

A fridge in a denim jacket.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 9:22 PM on December 4, 2014 [20 favorites]

Actually and honestly, I always fall back on "so this Irishman walks out of a bar".
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:22 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

What's the difference between an Australian and a canoe?

Canoes tip.
posted by pompomtom at 9:24 PM on December 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

(think I heard this in the last joke thread)

A Roman soldier walks up to a bar. He holds up his index and middle finger and says "give me 5 beers, please."
A little later he comes back up to the bar and says "could I have a martinus, please?"
Bartender says "um, do you mean a martini?"
"If I wanted two I would have asked for two."
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:25 PM on December 4, 2014 [58 favorites]

What does a French hen say when it lays an egg?

"Oeuf."
posted by Phatty Lumpkin at 9:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [13 favorites]

So Optimus Prime and Shia Labeouf are walking along the beach and Optimus looks around and says, "dang, I think I dropped my waffle somewhere."

And Shia Labeouf starts shouting frantically at other beachgoers: "where in the world is car-man's sandy eggo?"
posted by cortex at 9:27 PM on December 4, 2014 [78 favorites]

A blind man walks into a store, picks up his dog, and starts swinging it around by the tail. An employee asks him if there's anything he could help the man with. "No thanks," says the blind man, "I'm just looking around."
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [24 favorites]

There's a guy who works in an aquarium, and one day he gets summoned by his boss who is looking very worried.
She says to him, "I've just been by the dolphin tank and clearly they're in heat. They're doing all sorts of things to each other---and the trouble is that in less than an hour we've got three busloads of second-graders coming. We can't have them seeing those dolphins act like they're in a porno flick. Now there's only one known anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, and that's the meat of baby seagulls. So I need you to go down to the seashore, catch yourself some baby seagulls, put them in this bag and hurry on back. But be careful, a lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and though he was heavily sedated, he still just might be dangerous. OK, get going and make it snappy."

For the sake of time, the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore, where he gets some baby seagulls, and he heads back. As he's walking back through the forest, he sees the lion lying across the path directly in front of him. It's too late to run away, but since the feline seems very sleepy the guy summons up all his courage and steps across the lion. Nothing happens. Greatly relieved, the guy begins to resume his journey. Suddenly a policeman steps out of the forest, grabs they guy by the arm and says to him:
"You're under arrest."
The guy can't believe it. He says, "Tell me, officer, what's the charge?"
And the policeman says:

"Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."
posted by Bromius at 9:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [69 favorites]

Why do blondes have pony tails?








To hide the air valve.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:36 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Bromius, I prefer that one set to music.
posted by Casuistry at 9:38 PM on December 4, 2014

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Well, just about anyone can roast beef.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:40 PM on December 4, 2014 [30 favorites]

American Samoa, Puerto Rico and Guam should all be granted statehood. 53, nice prime number. One Nation, Indivisible.
posted by persona at 9:42 PM on December 4, 2014 [58 favorites]

What's gray and comes in quarts?







An elephant.
posted by ambient2 at 9:43 PM on December 4, 2014 [13 favorites]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks at the other and says, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"

And the other responds, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
posted by ZaphodB at 9:45 PM on December 4, 2014 [28 favorites]

What's new?

C over lambda!

Or, if I'm feeling strong, I might offer a rendition of The Moth Joke.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:51 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

Then a brick fell out of the sky and knocked him out.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:54 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

No guts!
posted by houseofdanie at 9:55 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

This is the Ebola joke. Most of you won't get it.
posted by humanfont at 9:55 PM on December 4, 2014 [58 favorites]

So this rabbit, right, walks into a pub. Lunchtime, quiet, barman's cleaning a glass. Rabbit walks in - hops in I suppose- hops onto a bar stool. Raps its paw on the bar. "Ham and cheese sandwich, ta," t says, "and toast it wills ya?"

The Barman serves him up his toastie - bit surprised, thinking rabbits were all about the greenery, but you take your days as they come when you're behind the bar. Never know who's going to walk in off the street.

By the time he's finished that thought the rabbit's gobbled up his snack, hopped off the stool and out the door he goes.

Next day - same thing! Rabbit hops in, maybe ten past midday, onto the stool, rap rap rap. And maybe he noted the barman's expression because this time he orders a toasted sandwich with lettuce and tomato. Now your lettuce doesn't go too well toasted, but the barman thinks a bit, toasts the bread and then jams the salad in between the bits and it all looks tasty as I don't know what with a bit of salt and pepper and clearly the rabbit agrees because down the hatch it goes!

And then, sure enough, he's out the door hippity hop.

Next day - well what do you think? Lunchtime, barstool, rap rap rap - "Lamb cheese and chutney, barkeep!" goes the little bunny. Barman's an old hand by now, has the sandwich maker all heated up and it's the work of a moment to pop out a delicious lunchtime snack fitting that description to a 't'. And the rabbit scoffs it down then off he hops.

But the next day... no rabbit. The bartender had got used to his little furry customer, so he's a bit put out, but the game is on so there's a bunch of folk in the pub and he's to busy to give much thought to it... until that night, when he's cleaning up the place ready for another day, and he hear's a faint noise. 'rap rap rap', it goes. He turns, but sees nothing in the darkened pub. But there's the noise again - 'rap rap rap'.

He squints and - good gravy. Sitting in that exact same barstool, what does he see but the trembling transparent form of his lunchtime customer!

He is a professional, our man, and so he approaches this ghost rabbit to take its order but before he asks another question pops out, almost unbidden - "what... what happened to you, mr rabbit?"

And the ghost rabbit looks at him, with ravaged ghostly eyes, and in an eerie whisper murmurs:

"Mixin' me toasties".
posted by Sebmojo at 9:56 PM on December 4, 2014 [20 favorites]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Delayed Reaction Lamb.
Delayed Reaction Lamb who?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:57 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

I like telling these in quick succession.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "This is just how God made me!"
Stupid horse. There is no God.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I was born into servitude, and I'll be made into glue when I die."
The bartender realizes he will not be getting a tip.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "Neeeeeeiiighh!"
Strangely, this satisfies the bartender.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I dunno. Why the small dick?"
He's got you there bartender.

Source: Pie Comic by John McNamee
posted by narain at 9:58 PM on December 4, 2014 [30 favorites]

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:58 PM on December 4, 2014 [21 favorites]

A man goes into a bakery and asks for a cake. The clerk says "how do you do." The man asks for a cake in the shape of a bee. The clerk says, "come back tomorrow for your bee-cake."

The next day, the man comes in and asks for his bee-cake. The clerk shows him the bee-cake, and it looks great. It looks like a bee, and it's a cake. But the man is not happy.

"I'm sorry, but this is not the cake I asked for. I should have been more clear. I did not want a cake shaped like a bee. I wanted a cake shaped like the letter B. I'm sorry, but this is very important."

The clerk apologizes profusely. The man says it is all right. The clerk says, "come back tomorrow for your B-cake."

The next day, the man comes in and asks for his B-cake. The clerk shows him the B-cake, and it looks great. It looks like a capital B, and it's a cake. But the man is still not happy.

"I'm sorry, but this is not the cake I asked for. I should have been more clear. I did not want a cake shaped like a capital B. I wanted a cake shaped like a lower-case b. I'm sorry, but this is very important."

The clerk nods, confused. The man says it is all right. The clerk sighs and says, "come back tomorrow for your b-cake."

The next day, the man comes in and asks for his b-cake. The clerk shows him the b-cake, and it looks great. It looks like a lower-case b, and it's a cake. The man is delighted.

"This is perfect, this is exactly the cake I asked for."

"Very well. How shall I wrap this up?" asks the clerk, gesturing to the boxes behind her.

"Oh, that's all right," says the man, "I'll just eat it here."
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:59 PM on December 4, 2014 [60 favorites]

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other, "hey, do you know how to drive this thing?".
posted by Diskeater at 10:00 PM on December 4, 2014 [11 favorites]

knock knock
who's there?
to
to who?
no: to whoooooooooooom.
posted by Sebmojo at 10:01 PM on December 4, 2014 [35 favorites]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
posted by Xoc at 10:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

Yes, I recommend doing rehab at the Hokey Pokey Clinic. It's the right place to turn yourself around.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [10 favorites]

Oh and also

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants.

The bartender says, "Do you know you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by narain at 10:05 PM on December 4, 2014 [14 favorites]

"Oh, that's all right," says the man, "I'll just eat it here."

I actually laughed out loud at this one.

If a bean is a bean, what's a pea?

A relief.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:06 PM on December 4, 2014

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros
posted by ActionPopulated at 10:09 PM on December 4, 2014 [15 favorites]

Contemplating suicide? Drink varnish. It's a terrible end but a beautiful finish.
posted by KingEdRa at 10:10 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Sticherbeast, I'm sorry, but this is the greatest version of the "man goes into a bakery and asks for a cake" joke ever told. One of these days I hope to commit it to memory well enough to tell it in person.
posted by narain at 10:10 PM on December 4, 2014 [15 favorites]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey, I make a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says "you make a drink called 'Steve'?"
posted by Reyturner at 10:11 PM on December 4, 2014 [16 favorites]

When asked, I nonchalantly say, "You'll have to hear it later." (Eyes light up - they think it's going to be dirty. They always think it's going to be dirty.)

I go out then and buy one o' them greeting cards with the sound tab in it that goes off when you open the card. I prefer one with clapping or cheers. "Yayyyyyy!"

Then I hide it in a strategic location in their most used chair.

"Yayyyyy!"
posted by barchan at 10:13 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

What do you call a fish with two knees?
Two-Knee fish.

If you point to your knees while asking, you'll find that to be enough of a misdirection that very few people will offer a "correct" answer.
posted by CincyBlues at 10:14 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Hey, it's on me"
posted by clavdivs at 10:15 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:16 PM on December 4, 2014 [22 favorites]

Two cannibals are eating a clown when suddenly one asks, "Hey! Does this taste funny to you?"
posted by CrowGoat at 10:19 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can piss with a light on!
posted by Fuzzypumper at 10:26 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

"what's the hardest part about rollerblading?…

….telling your parents you're gay"
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 10:27 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

From my profile page, for just such an occasion.

Zombie walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary. Bartender says 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve zombies here.'
Zombie replies 'But I ordered a Bloody Mary'

Zombie walks into a bar and orders a Zombie. Bartender says 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve zombies here.'
Zombie replies 'Okay, I'll have a Bloody Mary.'
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 10:27 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

How is a man like linoleum tiling?

If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk all over 'em for years!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:28 PM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

Can't hear an enzyme!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:29 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

Why did the zoophile cross the road?

Ask jessamyn.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

What do you call a cow that has no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call cow after it gives birth? De-calf-einated.
posted by davidmsc at 10:33 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

So, back in the 90s, there was this comic book featuring a trio of superhumans. One was invisible; one was absolutely silent; and the third was untouchable. Since antiheroes were on trend at the time, the three characters teamed up to attack villains, innocent bystanders, and the like. The series was cancelled after the first few issues sold poorly - people thought it just had too much senseless violence.
posted by LSK at 10:37 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

What's the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:37 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Rodney Dangerfield: "I'm so old my balls let me know when it's time to cut the grass."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:40 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

(This only works in an English accent or perhaps Boston)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:41 PM on December 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

How do you make a hormone?


Don't pay her.
posted by ambient2 at 10:50 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Notorious SRD, that's mine! One time I was at the auto parts store and the clerk asked me if my car was a sedan. I told him it has four doors. He squinted at me and asked if I knew how many doors a sedan has.

Then I told him that joke (which is actually how I was finally able to remember).
He squinted at me.

My other one is:

What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart
posted by MsDaniB at 10:57 PM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?

A: Eliphino
posted by Bistle at 11:28 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

....Knocks 'em dead down at the kindergarten.
posted by ZaphodB at 11:32 PM on December 4, 2014 [29 favorites]

Q: what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A: A stick.
posted by notyou at 11:35 PM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick
posted by Bistle at 11:36 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

Carlos Castaneda walks into a bar.
posted by clavdivs at 11:36 PM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

Darn it notyou, I owe you a coke.
posted by Bistle at 11:38 PM on December 4, 2014

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the dirt
then cross back over again?




Because he was a dirty double crosser.
posted by quazichimp at 11:39 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

Guy walks into a shrink's office and sez, "I think I got a real problem here, doc." The shrink looks him up and down and asks what the problem is. "Ya see, doc, I keep having these two weird dreams and I can't get any sleep at night." The shrink asks him what the dreams consist of and without a pause the man replies, "In one dream I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. All night every night! I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam. TEEPEE! WIGWAM! TEEPEE! WIGWAM! I tell ya doc, its driving me nuts!" The shrink thinks about it a moment and replies, " Well there's your problem right there..." "Ya doc?"

"You're two tents."
posted by gideonswann at 11:46 PM on December 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

This only works if you actually say it out loud, but...

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they'll have. The first whale says, [HERE IS WHERE YOU WOULD DO A LONG SERIES OF WHALE CALLS].

Then the second whale says, "Dude, you are fucked up."
posted by brundlefly at 11:49 PM on December 4, 2014 [74 favorites]

Oh, and this one is pretty wrong, but...

Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre?

The punchlines are too long.
posted by brundlefly at 11:51 PM on December 4, 2014 [55 favorites]

Mod note: A couple of (contentless) comments removed; if you want to track new comments here but don't want to actually comment, you can just favorite the post and check "my favorites" from your Recent Activity page.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:58 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hey, did you hear about that new pirate movie?
It's rated Arrrrrr.
posted by ODiV at 12:00 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Canadian one is rated A.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:01 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

What do atheist dyslexic insomniacs do?

Lie awake at night wondering if dog exists.
posted by Jimbob at 12:05 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Well, I had/got to read all these, I'll tell mine. It's just the right amount of blue for any audience besides kids.

The exact content varies but basically there's this old stalwart war veteran. A local college is hosting an event to honor veterans and so these guys are mixing with 21 and 22 year old students. One guy is off by himself, a wallflower with a brush cut, and a student takes it upon herself to chat him up. Well, it turns out he's a really interesting, charming and cool guy, if somewhat uptight, but he's a long time widower and doesn't really date much. The student turns the conversation rapidly towards intimacy, and he confides in her that he hasn't had sex since 1957.

She feels terrible for him and invites him for a quickie in the broom closet.

Emerging, she's fixing her hair and goes "Wow! You really know what you're doing. Are you sure you haven't had sex since 1957?"

The guy shrugs and says, well, it's only *checking watch* 2130, now.



You HAVE to shoot your cuff and check your watch if you tell this or I will find you.
posted by ftm at 12:11 AM on December 5, 2014 [75 favorites]

For adult only audiences:

What's white and sticky and falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord.
posted by romakimmy at 12:17 AM on December 5, 2014 [15 favorites]

A, C and E walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."
posted by Spatch at 12:18 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

A man in a hot air balloon was flying along, and realised he was lost. He spotted a man far below, walking a dog in a field. He descended the ballon to near the man and shouted, "Excuse me, can you tell me exactly where I am? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above a field on Mr Mason's farm."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is completely technically correct, but the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you're no help at all."

The man below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect everyone beneath you to solve your problems for you. You are in exactly the same situation you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:33 AM on December 5, 2014 [150 favorites]

Man walks into a village, late for an appointment. He sees an old man leading a donkey, and asks him, "Pardon me, can you tell me what time it is?"

The old man stands behind the donkey, squats, lifts the donkey up by its balls, and peers intently into the distance. Finally he says, "It's quarter to three, sir."

The Man stares at the old man, amazed. "How did you do that?" he finally asks.

The old man replies, "First, I pick the donkey up by the balls. Then, you see that clock over there?"
posted by not_on_display at 12:37 AM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

Guy walks into a bar, he's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
posted by phaedon at 12:43 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNG!
posted by doiheartwentyone at 12:57 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession goes past on a nearby road. One of the golfers drops to his knees and offers a silent prayer, and stays there until the procession has gone well out of sight.

As he gets up to play his shot, the other golfer says, "That was one of the most moving things I've ever seen."

"Well," says the first golfer, "we were married for twenty years."
posted by Cannon Fodder at 1:13 AM on December 5, 2014 [27 favorites]

A man who has been sick for a long time now lies in his bed, knowing death is close at hand. Family and friends from all over have gathered, and the house is busy with activity. His daughter, who had been sitting and talking with him, excuses herself to use the rest room.

Through the open bedroom door wafts a delicious aroma he hadn't smelled for many years. It was the smell of his beloved wife's best cookie recipe, his favorite. There were a lot of complicated steps to making them, so it had been quite some time since she had made them. Overcome with the desire to taste those delicious cookies one last time before he dies, he drags himself out of bed.

Too weak to walk, he crawls on hands and knees down the hall, then down the stairs, and out to the kitchen. Exhausted from his effort, he draws himself hand over hand along the cabinets unnoticed. With his last ounce of strength, his vision swimming, death tugging on his robe, he pulls himself up so that he can reach the counter. With trembling fingers he reaches, stretching his arm, nearly grasping a cookie, a last treat before the grave.

Then his wife slaps his hand, saying, "Those are for the funeral!"
posted by ob1quixote at 1:20 AM on December 5, 2014 [52 favorites]

(think I first heard this on metafilter)

There are two types of people in this world - those who need closure,
posted by mannequito at 1:23 AM on December 5, 2014 [19 favorites]

f(x) = 1 - x + x2 walks into a pub and orders a pie and a pint.

"Sorry, sir," says the barman, "we don't cater for functions."
posted by ZipRibbons at 1:24 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 1:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [42 favorites]

Why do penguins walk softly?

Because they can't walk, hardly.
posted by ZipRibbons at 1:33 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Two behaviorists have sex. Afterwards one asks the other: "It was good for you, how was it for me?"
posted by Pyrogenesis at 1:34 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

I used to have a friend and we'd have really deep conversations long into the night. Eventually, we had a big falling out. He was a big believer in egalitarianism, which I am against, and he was trying to win me over. He made a lot of really persuasive arguments, but I don't know. I just can't imagine eating that many eagles.
posted by feloniousmonk at 1:41 AM on December 5, 2014 [37 favorites]

An inveterate drunkard staggers home once again drunk out of his mind. His long-suffering wife has finally had enough and tells him that if he ever comes home like that again, she'll leave him.

The man is duly chastened, but next week he goes out drinking again, and ends up vomiting on himself. He wails to his friend 'oh no! what will I do? My wife is going to leave me!"

His friend says, "don't worry, I'll pin this £20 to your coat and you can say that someone else vomited on you, then gave you that money for the dry-cleaning bill."

So later the guy goes home and when his wife sees the vomit and accuses him of drinking he says it was from someone else, and shows her the £20. His wife asks, "but why do you have two £20 notes pinned to you?" And the man says, "the other one is from the man who shit in my pants."
posted by leibniz at 2:03 AM on December 5, 2014 [13 favorites]

Why should you always have asparagus?


In case you lose your first-agus!
posted by mrjohnmuller at 2:08 AM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

A: "Can you smell carrots?"

Extra credit: Can the snowman smell carrots? Discuss.
posted by Paul Slade at 2:19 AM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

This is awful, but here goes...

What's the brown spot between grandma's tits?




Her vagina.
posted by efalk at 2:22 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

I don't really know any jokes. I'm poorly socialized; I grew up on a remote ranch, my parents died when I was very young, and I was actually raised by horses. It was unusual in a lot of ways, but at least it was a stable upbringing.
posted by Shepherd at 2:55 AM on December 5, 2014 [51 favorites]

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.
posted by Happy Dave at 3:01 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

TIMING!

wait shit
posted by eykal at 3:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [31 favorites]

Wait, so we're just going to do our own imitation of the Reddit thread?

Meh.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 3:25 AM on December 5, 2014

meh who?
posted by Namlit at 3:26 AM on December 5, 2014 [27 favorites]

skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a cleaning rag
posted by Namlit at 3:27 AM on December 5, 2014

Me: "I've got a knock knock joke for you, say knock knock."

Wife: "Knock knock."

Me: "Who's there?"

Wife: [long suffering look] "..."
posted by Mooski at 3:28 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

meh tah fil tah, of course, Namlit
posted by scruss at 3:28 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre
posted by BigCalm at 3:37 AM on December 5, 2014 [31 favorites]

A guy walks up to his drowsy dog and says "who's a good boy, who's good boy"

So the dog bites him "You know what happens when you assume!"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:42 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Tiger Woods is in town for the PGA and he pulls into a gas station in his new Mercedes Benz. The station attendant comes out to give him a fill-up. "Say, Mr. Woods, this is a really nice car," he says. The attendant then notices some golf tees lying in the center console. "Say, Mr. Woods, what are those pointy little wooden things for?"

"Oh," Tiger says, "Those hold up my balls when I drive."

"Gosh," says the attendant, "Those Germans think of everything!"
posted by valkane at 3:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

My usual is a much-longer and drawn-out version of this, which is already kind of long so I'll link to spare you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:53 AM on December 5, 2014

I used to have a friend and we'd have really deep conversations long into the night. Eventually, we had a big falling out. He was a big believer in egalitarianism, which I am against, and he was trying to win me over. He made a lot of really persuasive arguments, but I don't know. I just can't imagine eating that many eagles.

I'm usually pretty good with obscure references, but I've got no idea what this is about. feloniousmonk, can you give me a clue?
posted by claudius at 4:14 AM on December 5, 2014

The Dalai Lama enters a bar because he's one with everything.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:17 AM on December 5, 2014

I'm usually pretty good with obscure references, but I've got no idea what this is about. feloniousmonk, can you give me a clue?

veg-itarianism = eats only vegetables.
egal-itarianism = ...
posted by rory at 4:21 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Goddammit
posted by claudius at 4:24 AM on December 5, 2014 [51 favorites]

Two hippies have got a pretty good buzz on and are sitting on the sidewalk soaking up some rays.

All at once -- a five alarm fire! Bells clanging, horns honking, sirens wailing, a phalanx of fire engines rumble down the street at sixty-per, easy, as cars, bikes, and pedestrians scramble out of their path.

Like anyone else, of course, this commotion gets the hippies' attention. Two heads swivel to follow the emergency vehicles as they speed by. And then just as suddenly -- they're gone.


About five minutes later, one hippie turns to the other and says, "Maaan, I thought them dudes'd never leave."
 
posted by Herodios at 4:25 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

I went to the farmer's market and bought hand raised, free range, cruelty free chicken.

Then I took it home and battered it.
posted by jefflowrey at 4:31 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

It was unusual in a lot of ways, but at least it was a stable upbringing.

But hasn't it left you a little horse?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:35 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Stalin´s specter appears to Putin and advises him to shoot all his untrustworthy officials and to paint the Kremlin's walls blue.

"Why blue?" Putin asks. Stalin laughs and replies: "I knew you'd only ask about the second part."
posted by abakua at 4:37 AM on December 5, 2014 [66 favorites]

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. Nearby is a row of townhouses. As they sip their drinks, a young couple enters the front door of one of the townhouses. A few minutes later, the same couple and a third person exit and continue down the street.

The engineer shakes his head. "The initial measurement must have been faulty."

"No," the biologist says, "evidence suggests that they reproduced."

The mathematician frowns. "Well, if one of us goes in to check, then the house will be empty again."
posted by Scattercat at 4:41 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

I heard this one on the playground in third grade and it still holds up:

Once upon a time there was a yellow frog. He wants to be green like the other frogs, so he visits the fairy to turn him green. She tells him that she can make him green, except for his penis. For that, he would have to go to the wizard. He agrees, gets turned mostly green, and goes on his way.

Later, a pink elephant comes to the fairy. Wants to be grey like the other elephants and is told by the fairy that she can turn him grey except for his penis. For that, he would have to see the wizard.

"How do I get to the wizard?" asked the elephant?

The fairy replies "it's easy, just follow the yellow-dicked toad!" .
posted by dr_dank at 4:42 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

My standby joke for years was "How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"A fish!"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:44 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

This is the one I always pull out:

A painter is painting a house way out in the middle of the country. About halfway through, he notices he's running low on paint. He doesn't want to drive all the way into town and back to get more, so he dilutes the remaining paint with some paint thinner and finishes the job.

Just as he's applying the final brushstroke, a sudden storm rolls in and the sky dumps a torrential rain down on him and the house, ruining all his work. In despair, he looks up and shouts "Oh God, what do I do now?".

The voice of God booms down from the heavens: "REPAINT. REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:46 AM on December 5, 2014 [26 favorites]

I'm in the process of switching modes to all-dad-jokes-all-the-time, but my go-to-jokes for years have been shaggy dog stories. Even when they fall flat, you've at least wasted five minutes of your victim's time. My all-time favorite (which you can stretch out to twenty minutes over dinner by dramatically recounting the conversations of the protagonists in the bar, their harrowing travels, etc.) is from an AskMe thread seven years ago:

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage--almost 20 minutes--during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, the bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.

"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. A member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said so to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
posted by Mayor West at 4:47 AM on December 5, 2014 [46 favorites]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out burning forest fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

(I also like this one, which I've told here before.)
posted by chavenet at 4:52 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

Why did the houseplants dislike the new Roomba?

Because Nature abhors a vacuum.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:06 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

What does a French hen say when it lays an egg?

I had a great time in Paris, but breakfast always left me hungry. Apparently, for the French, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:08 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

So, Quasimodo quits his job as bellringer at Notre Dame, and the rector is beside himself trying to fill the position; none of the applicants seem to be qualified. Finally, twin brothers show up, and the rector decides to let them audition, because he wants to see what they'll do--they would seem to be lacking a very basic qualification: neither of them has any arms. He takes them up to the belltower and tells them to do their stuff. One of them jumps up and hits a bell with his forehead, then the other, and they alternate that way, ringing the changes in perfect synchronization. Then one hits a bell sideways and falls out of the open belltower. The other doesn't miss a beat, but starts working doubletime; eventually, though, he also hits a bell sideways and falls out of the tower.

The rector rushes down to administer last rites. A nun walks up to him and says, "Father, who is that man?"

The rector says, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

"And who is that other man over there?"

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:12 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

What did the snail say riding on the back of the turtle?

"WHEEEEEEEE!!!!"
posted by gorbichov at 5:28 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

Major West, there's an even longer version!

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage--almost 20 minutes--during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, the bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

While there, they meet a wealthy count, who, as it happens, was a major classical music fan. So he starts buying our bassists some drinks, and some food for himself. They drink, and drink, and eventually, two of the bassists pass out. One of their colleagues looks at his watch, and frantically tries to revive his fallen comrades. He looks over, and he sees that another one of his companions was just sitting there, drinking calmly.

"What are you doing? We need to get going!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra, dragging their two passed-out friends behind them. A member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said so to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, the count is full, the basses are loaded, and there are two out."
posted by damayanti at 5:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

And, if I'm feeling surreal...

If you're paddling upstream in a canoe, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a dog house?







Purple! Ice cream doesn't have bones!
posted by damayanti at 5:36 AM on December 5, 2014 [18 favorites]

"I finally finished reading the dictionary... turns out the zebra did it" -- Steven Wright
posted by Renoroc at 5:47 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

What's the worst thing about sleeping with Willie Nelson?

The next morning when you realize he isn't Willie Nelson.
posted by readery at 5:52 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

"I have an awesome knock-knock joke! Say 'knock-knock'!"

"Knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"
posted by Legomancer at 5:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It got pissed off!
posted by grumpybear69 at 5:54 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupt--

MOOOOOO
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:00 AM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, “have you heard about this mad cow disease that’s going around? It’s pretty scary. Sounds like it’s spreading fast.” The other cow responds, “holy crap! A talking cow!”.
posted by Diskeater at 6:06 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

This was the first off-color joke I ever heard:

Three guys are driving through the country when their car breaks down after nightfall. They see a nearby farmhouse and go up to ask for help. Farmer says, "Well, we go down to the garage in town in the morning. You can sleep here tonight." He points to the first guy, "You can sleep out in the sheep pen." He points to the second guy, "You can sleep in the barn with the horses." He points to the third guy, "You can sleep in the bedroom with my 18 daughters."

Next morning, farmer asks the guys how they are feeling. First guy says, "Not bad, I feel kind of like a sheep, I guess." Second guy says, "Yeah, same here, I feel a bit like a horse." Third guy says, "Oh, I feel like a golf ball." "A golf ball? Why a golf ball?" "Well, 18 holes in one night."
posted by Chrysostom at 6:08 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

An elephant walks into a bar. A lion walks into a museum. A hippopotamus walks into a library. It's 2037 AD and mankind is extinct.
posted by fleacircus at 6:09 AM on December 5, 2014 [47 favorites]

Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?





Because it was dead.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

What's green and brown and hurts when it falls out of a tree and lands on you?





A pool table!
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:11 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Where do watermelons go in the summer?

To John Cougar's Melon Camp.
posted by jonmc at 6:12 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman says, "HEY MCLEOD, GET OFF OF MY 'EWE!"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:16 AM on December 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

taz: "[A couple of (contentless) comments removed; if you want to track new comments here but don't want to actually comment, you can just favorite the post and check "my favorites" from your Recent Activity page.]"

I don't get it.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:39 AM on December 5, 2014 [83 favorites]

I've always been fond of:

What does a snail riding on a turtle's back say?

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
posted by ChuraChura at 6:40 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are sleeping outside when Sherlock wakes up Watson to ask him what he thinks of the stars. Watson starts into a long meditation about the fragility and insignificance of mankind, the great scientific mysteries waiting to be answered, the beauty of space - Sherlock cuts him off and says "Yeah yeah that's great, but I think somebody stole our fucking tent."
posted by Buckt at 6:51 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

This is my favorite joke, largely because I told it to my now-fiancee in an actual bell tower on a tour, the day after I met her at a hostel. I'm pretty sure we were basically dating by the time I got to the first punchline, and she probably thought about breaking up with me by the second.
posted by empath at 6:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

A man is walking along a river in England and realizes that the town he wants to get to is across the river. He walks for an hour looking for a bridge or a ford, or something to get across. Finally, he sees someone on the bank across from him. He yells. "Hey! Hello! How do I get to the other side?!"

The other man looks at him, puzzled for a moment, and replies, "You are on the other side!"
posted by transient at 6:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [18 favorites]

What do atheist dyslexic insomniacs do?
Lie awake at night wondering if dog exists.

This is a favorite of mine, but I think it (as with most jokes) works best if you put the funny word last, i.e. "Lie awake at night wondering if there's really a dog."
posted by HeroZero at 6:55 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Some of my own (occasionally US-centric) faves:

Why did the conjoined twins vacation in England?
The other one wanted to drive.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 9 7 8.

Why did you get annoyed at the hot pepper?
Because it was jalapeno business.

Why is a Jewish mother like 60 Minutes?
Because they both always start off by going [make tongue clicking noise].
posted by HeroZero at 6:58 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

This guy walks into a bar, because it heard some really great live piano music from outside. He goes inside, orders the drink, and looks around to see the musician. He doesn't see a stage or anything, then looks over to a corner of the bar, and sees a tiny piano. He thinks maybe it's a kid playing, but he goes over and looks, and the piano player is a full grown man, but he's only like a foot tall. But he's still the most amazing musician he's ever heard.

He goes back to the bartender and says, that guy is amazing, where did you find him.

The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pulls out a dusty lamp, just like from Arabian Nights, and says, here.

The guy goes "Your shitting me."

The bartender says, "no, its for real, go ahead and try it."

So the guy rubs the lamp, and sure as shit, a genie comes out, but he's kind of an old genie. (nobody notices this, because they're all concentrating on the music).

The genie says. "I will grant you one wish for releasing me from my prision. I'm a bit hard of hearing though, so you're going to have to say it close." and he leans over so the guy can make a wish.

The guy thinks about it for a second and says something.

The genie looks confused, but then he shrugs and claps his hands and disappears.

For a while nothing happens, but then there's a loud slap as something runs into the door outside. The guy opens the door and there's a dead duck sitting on the ground. Then another one flies through the open door. And another one. Then as he looks on the horizon, the sky is black with ducks. There's an almost apocalyptic sound coming from their combined quacking.

The bartender walks outside and yells at him over the racket. "SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS REAL."

The guys says, "BUT I DIDN"T WISH FOR A MILLION DUCKS, I WISHED FOR A MILLION BUCKS!"

"WELL I DIDN'T WISH FOR A 12 INCH PIANIST!"
posted by empath at 7:03 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros

Chicago's version

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Bear down. Ryno's on deck.
posted by eriko at 7:04 AM on December 5, 2014

I knew a guy that used to tell ethnic jokes...

Which of course, sounds offensive, and by their very nature, they were offensive.

But he wouldn't list any nationality/ethnicity, he'd be like "there were these two ethnics in a bar", "one ethnic says to the other", etc, etc.

...

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Um, yeah, none. That's a hardware problem.
posted by el io at 7:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

My preferred version of one told above:

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
"My alcoholism is killing my family."

---

Polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll you have?"
Polar bear says, "I'll have a vodka and ...
...
...
...
... orange juice."
"Okay, but why the big pause?"
Polar bear looks, says: "I dunno, guess I've always had 'em."

---

and finally
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: elephant-grape-sin(theta)
posted by komara at 7:20 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

So now there was this horse. For hours the horse had been walking down a seemingly endless dusty road, far out in the middle of nowhere, nothing to see for miles and miles. Just a never ending stretch of sand and dirt in every direction, the long road laid out before him all the way to the horizon, and the relentless bright sun beating down on him. The horse had never been so hot in all his life, and what he wanted -- what he needed -- more than anything was a drink. But there were no streams, no rivers, not even a puddle in sight. The horse was so hot, and so thirsty, that he no longer remembered where he had come from, or where he was going. He just plodded along, one exhausted hoof after another, down the road.

After an unbearably long time, the horse thought he spotted something ahead, far in the distance. He didn't want to trust his own eyes, afraid that his weary mind was playing tricks on him, but he thought it looked like a bar. The tiny glimmer of hope put a hop back in his step, and he quickened his pace, praying that he was not headed toward a mirage. As he drew nearer, he saw that it was indeed a bar, and the open sign made his heart leap. He nudged his way through the front door and stepped inside. Although the inside of the bar was still sweltering, it was much cooler than the outdoors. The bar was hardly anything special, just a few rickety tables scattered here and there, and a beer stained bar behind which stood a weather beaten old man, dragging a rag across the bar top. The horse approached the bar with heavy hoofs and eased himself onto a stool. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the simple relief of sitting wash over him. "What can I do for you?" the bartender asked. The horse opened his eyes and shook his head slowly side to side. "I...have been walking. For hours. I don't know where I came from. I don't know where I am going. But I do know that if I don't get a drink, I am going to die. So, good sir, may I please have a drink?" A sad smile crossed the old man's face and he let out a heavy sigh. "Oh how I wish I could help you," the bartender said. "I really do. I can see that you need nothing more than a drink and it saddens me to no end that I'm unable to oblige. For you see, we do not serve horses at this bar." He nodded toward a sign hanging behind the bar which stated in bold letters: WE DO NOT SERVE HORSES AT THIS BAR. The horse read the sign several times, hoping each time that it would not say what he knew it did indeed say. Finally he nodded. "I understand. Well, regardless, I wish you a good day." The bartender steeled his jaw and nodded back. "I'm so sorry," he said to the horse. "If there was anything I could do, I would do it." The horse lifted a weary hoof and said, "No need to apologize. I understand. Good day." And with that he trotted back outside.

Somehow, the day had become even hotter than before. The sun beat down mercilessly from a cloudless sky. The horse shielded his eyes a moment from its overbearing rays, then set back out on the road. Hours passed, as did the miles. Nothing but barren wasteland in every direction. No sign of life. No sign of water. Nothing. This could be it, the horse thought. I am going to die out here, and I don't know why. For surely, if I don't find a drink soon, I will certainly die. He could feel the strength draining from his legs with every step. His hoofs dragged across the dusty road, as he was too weak to pick them all the way up. His head, too, hung low, and so it wasn't until he was almost upon it that he discovered he was approaching another bar. Hope fluttered about his chest, although he tried to keep it under control, not wanting to set himself up for disappointment in case he found himself in the same situation as the previous bar. And so with a hopeful yet guarded heart, he nudged open the front door and stepped inside.

This bar, like the previous one, was nothing fancy. Nor did it offer much in the way of relief from the heat, although it did at least provide shade from the sun. Unlike the previous bar, here he found a couple of people sitting at the old tables. Wrinkled husks who peered at the horse with suspicious, bleary eyes. Their gaze followed the horse as he marched up to the bar and sat down on a stool. That glimmer of hope grew larger and larger as he searched for a sign behind the bar, but saw nothing about them not serving horses at this establishment. He turned to the bartender, a sturdy woman with more than a few gray hairs mingling with red. They exchanged nods and the bartender asked him, "What can I do for you?" The horse had no energy for small talk so he cut right to it. "Drink," he said. "Please." The bartender locked eyes with the horse and flung her bar rag onto her shoulder. "You know I can't do that." The horse's hope went into freefall. The world started spinning. "Why?" he asked in a choked, sun baked voice. The bartender gestured to a small sign hanging on the wall behind the bar, a sign the horse had obviously missed, no doubt due to the fact that he could barely hold up his head. But there it was, before his eyes: IT IS THE POLICY OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT THAT WE DO NOT SERVE HORSES. The words taunted him. Ate at him. Gnawed at his very soul. He closed his eyes and with a nod said, "Thanks anyway." He slid of the stool, nearly falling to the floor. It took most of his strength to right himself and push his way back out the door.

Hell. That's exactly how the outdoors felt. Pure hell. The horse did not know it was possible for it to be this hot. The very air felt as though it was on fire. He was being baked alive. It was only a matter of moments now, surely, that his body would give out, his flesh would burn away, and only his bones would be left to dry out in the hateful sun, until even those turned to dust and blew away in the uncaring wind. And yet he did not want to die here. Not in front of this place that had offered hope and then snatched it away with such cruelty. So he mustered all of his willpower, every last bit of strength he had left and trudged off down the road toward the horizon once more. Step after step, each one bringing him closer to death, he knew. He'd had a good life, he thought. The bits he could remember, at least. Galloping through fields with his mother. Carrying his kind owner on his back, listening to her laughter mingle with the flowing wind as he ran and ran. Oats. What he would give to return to those days now. As he stumbled along, reflecting on his life, he noticed up ahead a third bar. No, he said to himself. Do not give yourself hope. Do not even try. Yet as he approached, he knew he would try again. And so, almost against his own will, he found himself nudging his way through the front door.

This bar looked very much like the previous two. Old, decrepit tables scattered throughout the dusty, dreary room. A solitary ceiling fan spinning meekly overhead. A long, lonely bar with only one customer -- American recording artist Lionel Richie. The horse, gathering all his remaining strength, dragged himself up to the bar and plopped down onto the stool next to Lionel Richie. "Hello," said Lionel Richie. Unable to expend any excess energy on small talk, the horse merely nodded at Lionel Richie, then swung his head in the bartender's direction. "Please," the horse said, using what little strength he had left to choke out his words. "I have been walking all day under the hot sun. I have walked miles and miles without a single drop to drink. I have been to two different drinking establishments, but neither could offer me anything to quench my thirst. So now I beg of you, please, may I have a drink?" The bartender's shoulders slumped and his face fell. "I am so sorry to hear your tale of woe. Truly, I am. But I'm afraid we carry the same policy as the others. We're not able to serve horses, I'm afraid." And sure enough, there behind the counter hung the sign with those taunting, hellish words: WE DO NOT SERVE HORSES. And so with the last bit of his strength, the horse shoved his weary, dust-covered hoof in Lionel Richie's face and said, "Well then, I guess we're outta here!"
posted by Timmoy Daen at 7:23 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Because Lionel Richie looks like a horse, see.

Credit goes to my friend Brian, who always told this joke best.
posted by Timmoy Daen at 7:23 AM on December 5, 2014

I thought the Pope Francis thread had a lot of great jokes. This was my favorite, from Blasdelb.

A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:25 AM on December 5, 2014 [28 favorites]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
posted by sneebler at 7:25 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

One of my other favorite jokes is this one, but I'm going to give the abbreviated version, because I don't want to type the whole thing out. Properly told, the joke can be 30 minutes long. This is really the skeleton of the joke.

So this kid loves the circus, and he always wants to go to the big tent circus that comes to his town every summer, but his family is poor and he can never afford to go.

But when he turned 10 he decided that he was going to do whatever it would take to buy a ticket for himself to go. He starts mowing lawns, selling lemonade, does anything and everything he can to earn money. And he does way better than he expected, so he can afford a front row seat.

So the big day happens, and it's probably the best day of his life, he sees the acrobats, the elephants get so close he can almost touch them, he has money for popcorn and cotton guy. You've never seen a happier kid.

Then the clowns come out, and this kid is about clowns like Kristen Bell is about sloths. He gets so excited he almost has a breakdown. The clown cars, the pratfalls, the juggling. It's all almost too much. Then the clown WALKS RIGHT OVER TO HIM.

The music dies down, the lights get dim, then boom, a spotlight right on the clown and him, and the clown starts to tell a joke.

He says, "Hey there kid, where are you from?"

"Well I'm from right here in town." and everyone applauds.

"So, are you a horse's face?" And the kid is confused a bit, but he laughs a bit and says. "No?"

"Well, then, are you a horse's tail?" and the kid, still confused, says.. "No, of course not."

"Then you must be... A HORSE'S ASS!" and everyone in the audience thinks this is the funniest thing they've ever heard. The place roars with laughter. And the kid is just crushed. He worked so hard to get here and he loved clowns more than anyone else, and now the whole town is making fun of him, laughing at him. It was all so unfair.

He starts crying, and runs out, and the crowd just laughs more and more.

The laughter haunts him after that. He hears it in his nightmares. He develops a phobia of clowns, even of laughter itself. He starts getting bullied by the other kids in town who were at the circus. He develops severe depression as he gets older. He can't find a girlfriend, can't hold a job. His inability to appreciate jokes and humor just severely stunts his emotional development and alienates him from friends and family.

After many years of this crippling depression, he finally decides to end it. He's walking along a bridge, looking for a place to jump off, and then he sees it, a sign, pasted on the railing.

"SCHOOL OF INSULTS"

Do you need to learn the art of the witty riposte? Want to come up with snappier comebacks? We'll tell you how to put people back in their place with the right verbal weaponry.

He thinks, YES this is exactly what I need. And with renewed purpose, he signs up. It's just a one week bootcamp, but it puts a fire in his belly. He gets every stand-up comedy cd he can find, and studies how they handle hecklers. He gets an unabridged OED and a massive thesaurus and wears out highlighter after highlighter taking notes about the perfect vocabulary. He practices in front of the mirror. He goes to open mike nights, and brings more than one poor stand-up to tears with his brilliantly timed heckling.

In short, he's fully prepared when he goes back to his home town, reconciles with his family, and decides to go to the circus. He even uses whatever savings he had to bring all his old friends, families and enemies to the circus.

He's in the front row, and the circus starts, and you know what, he's like a kid again. He falls back in love with the circus, the smell of sawdust, the cotton candy, the animals, the acrobats. He's happier than he's been since that day in the circus, 20 years before.

Then the clowns come out, and the old fear comes back. But even so, the pratfalls and stuff are funny, and he still laughs. And then.

It's the same clown.

The same goddam clown.

He's older, sure, he's lost a step, but he's unmistakeably the same clown.

But he's ready this time.

The clown looks him right in the eye. Walks over to him. The lights dim, the music stops.

"You, sir. Are you a horse's face?" Oh, no, not again. "No." he says. Falling into the same pattern. It can do this, he thinks.

"Are you a horse's tail?" ... "No." he says. Dreading the next line.

"Then you must be... A HORSE'S ASS!". And bam, he's back to being a little boy again. And everyone is laughing. The bullies. His old friends. Even his own elderly mother.

No, he thinks. I can do this. But the clown is walking away, the music is starting up.

He stands, up, and he yells. "OH YEAH?" And the clown turns around, and waves his hands down and the music stops again. The spot light is on him. The whole place is so quiet you can hear a pin drop...

"Well, FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"
posted by empath at 7:26 AM on December 5, 2014 [53 favorites]

What did one mushroom say to the other?

Hey you're a fun guy!
posted by LizBoBiz at 7:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

One of my other favourites is about a guy who goes to paratrooper school. After his first jump, he's in the bar telling his friend about the experience.

"I was the last in line, and when my turn came, I just couldn't do it. So the sergeant yelled at me - 'If you don't move right now, I'm going to come over there and fuck you right in the ass!'"

"And did you jump?"

"Well, a little at first."
posted by sneebler at 7:34 AM on December 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

A nun, priest and rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender asks, " what is this a joke?"

What's black and white and has a dirty last name? Sister Mary Fuck.
posted by PHINC at 7:35 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

A rich executive calls home during a business trip and the new maid answers.

"Can you put my wife on?" he says.

"Well, uh, I don't think she can come to the phone right now," she says.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well I hate to break this to you, but she had a tennis lesson this afternoon and now she and the tennis instructor are in bed together," she says.

The man curses for a bit and then calms down. "I knew she was up to something! Listen, there's a shotgun in the closet and a box of shells, I want you to get it out, load it, and shoot both of them."

"What?" she says. "I'm not going to kill two people!"

"If you do this I promise no one will know, and I'll give you two million dollars, so you'll never have to work another day of your life."

"Fine," she says, and puts down the phone. The man hears silence for a while, then some distant shouting followed by two loud bangs.

"It's done," she says. "I couldn't find the shells but the gun was already loaded. What do you want me to do with the bodies?"

"Dump them in the pool," he says.

"Pool? What pool?" she asks.

"I'm sorry, is this 682-819..."
posted by burnmp3s at 7:37 AM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:42 AM on December 5, 2014 [63 favorites]

A very old lady walks into a bakery and says: "99 muffins, please!"

Says the baker: "Why don't you take one more? Then you'll have a hundred!"

The old lady responds: "And what the hell am I supposed to do with a hundred muffins?"
posted by sour cream at 7:42 AM on December 5, 2014 [30 favorites]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his fly.

The bartender says, "what's with the wheel?"

Pirate replies "Arr, it's twisting my penis!"
posted by orme at 7:43 AM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

What's green, slimy, and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

I have better jokes, but this is always the one that pops into my head when I need a joke.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:54 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and sidles up to the bar. He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
posted by workerant at 7:55 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

What's small, green and triangular?


A small, green triangle.
posted by sour cream at 7:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

My favorite is probably this one, from the father's punchline file thread:

A team of explorers is captured by a cannibal tribe and brought before the chief. The chief tells them that they will be killed and eaten, and their skins will be made into canoes, but because they had fought so bravely each man could kill himself by a method of his own choosing.

The first explorer, an Englishman, says "I choose a pistol." He is given a gun, puts it to his head, says "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself.

The second explorer, a Frenchman, says "I choose a sword." One is provided, he shouts "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The last explorer, a New Yorker, says "Gimme a fork!" The chief is surprised, but provides him with one. The New Yorker grabs the fork and furiously stabs himself all over, until blood is pouring from every square inch of his body. With his last breath, he turns to the astonished chief and snarls "There goes your fucking canoe!"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [15 favorites]

It is The Purge, and the dictatorial government has decided to put to death any intellectuals that might threaten their power. A bunch of them are rounded up and sent to the guillotine, sentenced to death; however, the government has kept on the books a little known rule that if the guillotine doesn't work then you're set free.

A college professor is the first on the block. Positioned under the blade, the executioner releases the rope and... nothing. The blade just hangs there. The professor gets up and runs off.

They reset the guillotine and try again on a doctor. Executioner lets go of the rope, nothing happens. The doctor gets up and runs off.

Next in line is an engineer. Strangely, he asks to be positioned face up in the guillotine. The executioner agrees, confused, and goes to his station to release the blade. Just as the executioner is about to release the rope, the engineer cries out - "Wait!


I think I see the problem!"
posted by backseatpilot at 8:08 AM on December 5, 2014 [13 favorites]

Because Lionel Richie looks like a horse, see.

Surely this is a Sarah Jessica Parker joke.
posted by empath at 8:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to mix the whiskey sours, and one to call the electrician.
posted by mmiddle at 8:11 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.
posted by tracicle at 8:14 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

What is Mary short for?

She's just got little legs.
posted by soelo at 8:18 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to her.
posted by jbickers at 8:18 AM on December 5, 2014 [37 favorites]

You want a joke? Okay, say, "Knock knock…"
posted by jacob at 8:22 AM on December 5, 2014

Guy goes to the doctor. Says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I don't know what's up. I'm tired all the time, worn out, can't concentrate, no appetite, no energy, no libido . . . what's wrong with me?"

Doc says, "you have to stop masturbating."

"Really?" says the guy, "Why?"

Doc says, "So I can examine you."
posted by The Bellman at 8:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [50 favorites]

empath: ""Well, FUCK YOU, CLOWN!""

Oh, man. I had forgotten Fuck You, Clown. That's one of the best Shaggy Dogs of all time.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:34 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

A magician gets a job doing shows in the theater on a cruise ship in the north Atlantic. All goes well until the ship gets a parrot. On the next cruise, the parrot spends the whole time in the back of the theater keenly observing the magician. After a couple of shows, he starts to catch on and starts calling out the secrets to the tricks from the back.

When the magician announces he's going to pull a rabbit out of his hat, the parrot squawks "BRAWWK! IT'S IN THE JACKET! BRAWWK!"

When the magician is doing a missing card trick, the parrot squawks "BRAWWK! IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE! BRAWWK!"

Every trick is ruined this way. The magician has just about had enough when the ship hits an iceberg and sinks in the icy water. The magician manages to escape the wreck and ends up clinging to a bit of floating wood. "At least I'm rid of that damn bird," he thinks.

Just then the parrot flies down and perches on the opposite end of the board.

The magician glares at the parrot.

The parrot glares at the magician.

The magician glares at the parrot.

Finally the parrot squawks, "OK, I GIVE UP. WHERE'S THE SHIP?"
posted by freecellwizard at 8:35 AM on December 5, 2014 [29 favorites]

This one is usually best told to ex-servers

Q - How many servers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - That's not my fucking side work!
posted by lizjohn at 8:35 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Why shouldn't you ask a literary protagonist to tell you which hair removal cream is the best?

They might be an unreliable Nair rater.

What is Mary short for?

I tell this too, but with E.T.
posted by I've a Horse Outside at 8:41 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. He winds up consulting with Patricia Wack, a loan officer there. "What do you have for collateral?" she asks.

"I have this," he says and hands her some sort of small figurine from the 1920's. "And my father is Mick Jagger."

The loan officer is not very impressed, and calls over her manager. "This frog wants to borrow some money," she tells him.

"What does he have for collateral?"

"Apparently, his father is Mick Jagger. Oh -- and he has this thing." She shows him the figurine. "Whatever it is."

"You don't know that that is? It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
posted by flarbuse at 8:43 AM on December 5, 2014 [13 favorites]

So a penguin is driving along in his '92 Acura Legend when suddenly the engine begins screeching and spewing smoke. The penguin just manages to pilot the car into an autobody shop before it dies.

"I needa run some diagnostics first," says the mechanic. "Look: it's a hot day, you don't need to stick around for this part, so why don't you go down the block to the ice cream shop and grab a cone? Tell 'em Bobby sent you, they'll give you a discount."

So the penguin waddles down to the ice cream parlor, he orders two scoops of French vanilla, he starts to waddle back. It is a hot day, and even though the penguin is eating as fast as he can, the ice cream is melting and dripping and running everywhere. By the time he gets back to the autobody shop, there's ice cream all over him.

"Welcome back, little buddy!" says the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."

"Nooooooooo!" says the penguin, frantically scrubbing at his beak. "Nooo! It's just ice cream!"
posted by Iridic at 8:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [33 favorites]

What do atheist dyslexic insomniacs do?
Lie awake at night wondering if dog exists.

I always preferred using 'agnostic' (seriously, actual atheists don't really wonder this).
posted by el io at 8:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

A German is vacationing in Stockholm and is frustrated because he needs to go to the bank, so he stops a Swede. "Where is the nearest bank?"

"Well," says the Swede, "you could walk along the canal, but it is cool today, you might not want to do that, because maybe you would catch cold. If you go along the high street there is a lovely art exhibition with many nice paintings today, and that might be a nice walk for you! Or, come to think..."

"Agh!" says the German. "Never mind! I will find it myself!" And he storms off.

Some months later, the Swede is vacationing in Berlin, and he needs to find a bank, so he stops a German. "Excuse me, I am sorry to bother, but I need to find a bank. Might you know -"

The German interrupts him and starts speaking very quickly. "You walk six blocks! Turn left! Three blocks! Turn right! Across the bridge! Two more blocks! Turn left! Enter the office building! Elevator to the second floor!"

The Swede is overwhelmed, but remembers his manners. "Well, thank you very much for -"

"FORGET YOUR THANKS! REPEAT THE INSTRUCTIONS!"
posted by mightygodking at 8:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [20 favorites]

Many years ago, I went travelling in the central European country of Cransvartania. I bought a cheap, busted up old car and drove way out into the rural areas, where the primitive agriculture and medieval technology made it seem I was stepping back in time. The car was held together with spit and bailing wire, but most of the time I just about managed to keep it running.

All that changed one night, when I was driving through a rainstorm and the car finally died once and for all. I gave up trying to get any life out of it after an hour or so and set off on foot towards the only sign on habitation I could see – the light burning in a old hilltop monastery about a mile away.

I struggled through the mud and loose shale to the monastery’s huge wooden door and beat on it with all my fading strength. Eventually an old monk came to the door, and listened as I explained my plight. He said I could stay there for the night, showed me to an empty cell and I fell into an exhausted sleep.

I was woken at about 1:00am by a huge clamour from outside my door. I could hear screams, gasps of ecstasy, animal grunts, a strange machine-like roar and the babbled recitation of a language never designed for the human throat. Consumed by curiosity, I lit the candle left by my bunk and followed its guttering light down a long, dark corridor towards the source of the noise. The stone walls gave the whole building an unholy chill, and the noise seemed to get more eerie and unsettling with every step I took.

Finally, I reached a heavy wooden door, slammed my fists against its unyielding surface and shouted at the top of my lungs for a response. When the door finally creaked open a crack, it was the same old monk who’d first admitted me to the monastery itself. He was naked.

“What is it, my friend?” he asked, his voice all but drowned out by the cacophony behind him. “You seem distressed.”

“I was awoken by the noise in this chamber,” I explained. “No man could sleep with that hell-born racket in progress. What unholy conglomeration of men and beasts could be responsible for such a noise?”

“Aah,” he replied, a tiny smile creasing his face. “That I cannot tell you. You are our guest tonight, and every courtesy will be extended to you, but that question I am forbidden to answer. It is the 13th of the month, these are our sacred rites, and only faithful members of our brotherhood may know what transpires beyond this door.”

I tried to peer behind him, but he was already beginning to close the door. Was it just my imagination, or were those fresh wounds I could see on his withdrawing arm?

“Please,” I begged. “I have travelled the four corners of our mother Earth and seen all that a man may see, yet never have I heard the like of this terrifying noise. Please, I must know – what can be its cause?!”

“I am sorry, my friend,” he replied. “I cannot tell you that. You are not a member of our brotherhood.”

And then the door was shut again, and I had no choice but to return to my lone cell. The noise continued for about another hour, and then all was silence once again. Needless to say, I spent a fitful night.

Next morning, as the first light of dawn lit my cell, I dressed and found my way to the monks’ dining hall. I was given a hearty breakfast and treated very kindly by the dozens of monks already seated there. Again and again, I turned the conversation to last night’s events, but whichever monk I asked, the answer was always the same: “I am sorry, my friend. I cannot tell you that. You are not a member of our brotherhood.”

Well-fed, but still plagued by curiosity, I thanked them for their kindness. They gave me directions to the next village – a walk of about three hours – and I set off. There, I found a telephone and was able to organise mule transportation to the nearest town of any size. Three days later, I had bought another rustbucket car and set off on my travels once again.

Returning home some three months later, I found myself still fascinated by the unspeakable rites I had heard in progress on that lonely night. I researched the area round the monastery, identified their particular order and read all I could about their customs. But information on this subject was scant, and nothing answered the thousand questions still resounding in my head. Finally, I resolved to return to Cransvartania and beg that I might be allowed to study with the monks themselves.

Two months later, I was at the monastery’s wooden door once again. After much persuasion, I succeeded in convincing the monks that I was serious in my intent, and they set me to work in their fields as a test of my determination. The work was back-breakingly hard, but after a year of this labour, I was permitted to join an entry class of young men from the surrounding villages who – like me – wished to learn the monks’ secrets and one day join their order. I was the first foreigner ever to be granted a place among their students.

My 20 classmates were slowly whittled down to six, then two as man after man fell away unable to meet the monks’ strict demands. They accepted just one new member into their order every five years, and we final three were expected to prove our commitment beyond all possible doubt. To test this commitment, the monks subjected us to rituals of such inhuman debasement and unbearable physical pain that I hardly dare recall them even now. Each month, on the 13th, the chamber at the end of the corridor echoed to the same inexplicable noise which had first set me on this quest, but still we were not allowed to know its cause.

My rivals were brave, but as the final one withdrew from the struggle in broken tears of humiliation and shame, I was accepted into the order at last. My new brethren gave me my monk’s robes, assigned me a permanent cell and set me to my duties. All I could think of was the approaching 13th of the month, when I knew I would be admitted with everyone else into the forbidden chamber and witness for myself the rituals held inside.

The 10th day of the month dawned, then the 11th and the 12th. My anticipation boiled to a frenzy within me. And then, as the monastery bell chimed midnight, I joined the long, silent procession of naked monks filing into the chamber itself. That night, I saw with my own eyes everything that the monks had so long concealed from me. Its transcendent beauty – and its horror – were beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Would you like me to tell you what I saw?

I am sorry, my friend. I cannot tell you that. You are not a member of our brotherhood.
posted by Paul Slade at 8:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [37 favorites]

Q what did the fellow say when he saw the geese flying north?
A migracious
posted by jfuller at 9:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

As my fallback joke has already been used up (the insomniac agnostic dyslexic) this is my 3 years old niece's favourite joke:

How does Batman's mum call him in for tea?
"Dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!"

Also this is as good a place as any to leave these:

The Walking Dad
Bad Kid's Jokes
posted by billiebee at 9:11 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Schrodinger and Heisenberg are taking a trip with Heisenberg driving. They get pulled over and after pleasantries and such, the officer asks,

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies,
"No, but I can tell you exactly where I was..."

*laugh track*

This makes the cop suspicious so he asks to search the car - and promptly finds a dead cat in the trunk. He calls out to the occupants,

"Jesus Christ! Did you know there's a dead cat back here?"
Schrodinger says, exasperatedly,
"Well, we do now!"
posted by eclectist at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2014 [12 favorites]

"Somehow it was all tied up with a story he’d heard once, about a boy born with a golden screw where his navel should have been. For twenty years he consults doctors and specialists all over the world, trying to get rid of this screw, and having no success. Finally, in Haiti, he runs into a voodoo doctor who gives him a foul-smelling potion. He drinks it, goes to sleep and has a dream. In this dream his finds himself on a street, lit by green lamps. Following the witch-mans’s instruction’s he takes two rights and a left from his point of origin, find a tree growing by the seventh street light, hung all over with colored balloons. On the fourth limb from the top there is a red balloon; he breaks it and inside is a screwdriver with a yellow plastic handle. WIth the screwdriver he removes the screw from his stomach, and as soon as this happens he wakes from the dream. It is morning. He looks down toward his navel, the screw is gone. That twenty years’ curse is lifted as last.

Delirious with joy, he leaps up out of bed, and his ass falls off."

(Thomas Pynchon, V.)
posted by chavenet at 9:20 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

I just look them straight in the eye and say, "The United States healthcare system."
posted by ckape at 9:24 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

Greg Nog: TIMING

It just keeps getting funnier.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:29 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

My preferred version of the Heisenberg joke:

Cop pulls over Heisenberg for speeding.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Not really."
"You were doing 80 in a 65."
"OH GREAT. NOW I'M LOST."
posted by komara at 9:43 AM on December 5, 2014 [20 favorites]

As my fallback joke has already been used up (the insomniac agnostic dyslexic) this is my 3 years old niece's favourite joke:

How does Batman's mum call him in for tea?
"Dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!"

how old does a kid have to be before it becomes admissible to respond to the setup with "she can't, she's dead."
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 9:46 AM on December 5, 2014 [23 favorites]

So this guy's car breaks down in a small town and he needs to stay overnight while the mechanic waits for some parts to be delivered. There's no hotel in town, but the mechanic gives him a ride to a local bed and breakfast.

The woman at the house welcomes him and shows him to his room. It's a really nice room, with clean linens and an attached bath with fancy little soaps, and she's set out a small bowl of delicious homemade potato chips.

In the morning, the woman comes upstairs to wake him for breakfast and he tells her how much he appreciated her thoughtfulness, particularly the potato chips, as he was feeling a little peckish after such a long day.

"Potato chips?" she replies, then, scanning the room, "What happened to my scab collection?"
posted by ernielundquist at 9:57 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Highballs are on me!"
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:57 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Old IBM jargon for managers was "lion food". That comes from this joke:

Two lions escape from the zoo. They decide that their chances are better if they split up. So, they agree on a rendezvous after about 6 weeks, when, they hope, the hunt for them will have died down.

Six weeks pas, and they make their meeting. One lion is in pitiable shape - emaciated, hollow-eyed from lack of sleep, bald patches in the fur. The other is sleek, fed, well-rested.

"My God!" says the first lion. "That was horrible - they hunted me relentlessly. I got no rest night or day, and I am starving to death. But you - you look great! How on Earth is that possible?"

"Oh," says the second lion. "It was easy. I just hung around the IBM building, and when I got hungry, I ate a middle manager. No one ever seemed to notice".
posted by thelonius at 10:02 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

"What happened to my scab collection?"

There's this leper that walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Look, I know that you may not want to serve me, being in this
condition and all, but I'm really thirsty. Could I have a beer?"

The bartender replies, "No, it's alright. Here's a beer."

So he takes his beer and sits down on a stool and starts to drink it.
Once he's done, he looks over and notices that the bartender is
bending over the sink yacking his guts out.

The leper, thinking that it is him making the bartender sick, decides
to leave. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, don't go."

"I'm making you sick, I'd be happy to leave."

"No you're not. Here's another beer."

So, the leper starts with this beer, looks over and sees the
bartender puking once more. Again the leper decides to leave. The
bartender stops him and says, "Look, I'm not puking because of you.
Here," and produces another mug of beer, "take this beer on the
house."

The leper was comforted by this and decided to sit back down and
drink it. Again, the leper notices that the bartender is throwing
up. He quickly makes to leave when the bartender stops him again.
"Hey, I know I'm making you sick so I am definately going to leave!"
says the leper.

"No you're not making me sick," replies the bartender.

"O.K., if it's not me, then what is it?"

"Look, it's not you that's making me sick, it's the guy next to you
dipping his chips into your arm."
posted by empath at 10:03 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

How many ethnic day-laborers does it take to change a--They're already done.
posted by Zerowensboring at 10:04 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
posted by caphector at 10:23 AM on December 5, 2014 [58 favorites]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
.
.
.
Make me one with everything.

I heard that one from a bus driver in Portland Oregon about 15 years ago and it has been my go-to ever since.
posted by apricot at 10:24 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says, "hey buddy, why the long face?"
posted by slogger at 10:27 AM on December 5, 2014

Make me one with everything.

The Dalai Lama is bemused by your joke.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:29 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

A nun is in the bath when there's a knock at the bathroom door.
"Who is it?" she calls.
"It's the blind man" comes the answer.
She hesitates for a moment, then thinks "I suppose there's no harm in letting him in as he's blind." So she tells him to come in.
"Nice tits, love. Now where do you want these blinds?"
posted by billiebee at 10:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

Jesus is looking for his father.

He's going down the road and meets an old man. "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father. Have you seen him?" The old man says, "That's funny, I'm looking for my son."

Jesus says, "What does he look like?" The old man says, "Well, the last time I saw him he had nails in his hands, nails in his feet, and a board across his back."

Jesus looks at the old man and says, "Father!!" The old man looks at Jesus and says






"Pinocchio!"
posted by Room 641-A at 10:31 AM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

Two old ladies were sitting at the bus stop when a streaker ran by. One of them had a stroke;

the other couldn't quite reach
posted by readery at 10:39 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

mods: Out of curiosity, any/many of these jokes getting flagged? (any deleted jokes?)
posted by el io at 10:43 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. But how did they get in there?
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:46 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

A family has a pet duck. Jesus, do they love that duck.

One day they're all gathered in the backyard, just laughing and having a wonderful time while Mrs. Puddles does cute duck things. She's flying some darling little loops around the perimeter of the yard, quacking up a storm, when suddenly there's a

BLAM

and Mrs. Puddles crumples in the air and drops silently into the next yard, just on the other side of the fence. Their next-door neighbor strides over, shotgun in hand, and scoops up the duck's body. This fucking guy is seven feet tall, and most of that pile is muscle. Calves like telephone poles.

The dad sprints over to the fence and demands to know if the neighbor is out of his goddamn mind.

"Your loud fucking duck was quacking in my airspace," says the neighbor. "I have every right to protect my property from nuisances."

"Jesus," says the dad. "Look, just...just give Mrs. Puddles back to me. The kids will want to give her a proper burial."

"My land, my kill," says the neighbor. "It's my duck now. And it will be my dinner."

"Okay," says the dad, reddening. "How about this? We'll do a crotch-kicking contest. I kick you in your crotch, then you kick me in mine. Whoever kicks harder keeps the duck."

"Huh." The neighbor performs a couple of thoughtful toe raises. "Deal." And he steps over the fence.

"I'll need just a sec to get ready," says the dad. He runs inside the house and comes back carrying his daughter's gymnastics springboard. He's also put on a massive pair of steel-toed boots.

He sets up the springboard, gets a bit of a running start, and launches himself into the air, the tip of his boot describing a perfect arc ending at the neighbor's groin. You can hear the impact on the other side of town.

The neighbor needs about ten minutes to regain consciousness, and it's another twenty before he can stand up. "Okay," he finally snarls. "My turn."

"Eh, I give up," says the dad. "Keep the duck."
posted by Iridic at 10:51 AM on December 5, 2014 [26 favorites]

Nun jokes!

***

Three nuns are in a station wagon that gets hit by a train. They didn't have a chance to confess their sins before they died, but it turns out there's a little-known clause in the church canon that says that St. Peter can let them into heaven if they pass a pop quiz, the difficulty of which depends on the nature of their unconfessed sins.

St. Peter looks up the first nun in the Book of Life, then asks her, "Who was the first man?" She says, "Adam", and the Pearly Gates open. He looks up the second nun, asks, "Who was the first woman?" She says, "Eve", and the Pearly Gates open. Then the third nun walks up, St. Peter finds her in the Book of Life, reads, raises an eyebrow, turns a page, reads some more, frowns, turns another page, actually blushes, and then sighs and thinks for a few seconds before asking, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The nun thinks for a while, then finally says, "Gee, that's a hard one", and the Pearly Gates open.

***

The doorbell at the convent rang early one Sunday morning, and the Mother Superior opened it, only to see no one there. She shut the door and had just started back up the hall when the doorbell rang again. She opened the front door and again no one was there, and she was about to shut it again, thinking uncharitable thoughts about the neighborhood children, when she heard a throat clearing near her feet.

She looked down and saw two leprechauns. One was sallow and sweating and appeared to be thoroughly hungover, the other had a grin from ear to ear. The hungover one had his hat in his hands and was trembling as he asked, "Mother, I have to ask ye, do ye perhaps have a sister in yer order who is the size of one o' us little people?"

The Mother Superior kept her composure and replied, "No, I'm afraid not; our shortest member is Sister Mary Immaculata, and she's more than twice as tall as you."

Now the hungover leprechaun is shaking, and says, "But perhaps ye know of another nun in another order who might be what ye'd call diminutive, and perhaps in the neighborhood, or happened to stop by?"

"No, I know of no sister in any order by that description."

Now the leprechaun is weeping openly. "But Mother, there must be some nun somewhere--"

"Not to the best of my knowledge, gentlemen."

The other leprechaun bursts out laughing. "Y'see, Seamus, I told ye that ye fucked a penguin last night!"
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

In the same vein as sexyrobot, but my preferred version:

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 10:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

What do you call two lepers in a hot tub?




Soup
posted by BlueHorse at 11:00 AM on December 5, 2014

TANK TANK TANK TANK
posted by merelyglib at 11:00 AM on December 5, 2014

A couple is on their way to get married. It's bad luck to see your betrothed on your wedding day, but these kids aren't superstitious. Maybe they should have been. Their car blows a tire and they tumble off a cliff.

Saint Peter sits before than and says "Welcome to Heaven. Hope the place is to your liking."

The couple starts to walk in, but the groom stops.

"I don't want to bother you, but we were on our way to our wedding when we wound up here. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Saint Peter is taken aback. No one has ever asked this before.

"Let me check," he says.

He's gone for a while. A couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of years...the line to get into heaven is going around the block at this point. But finally Saint Peter makes it back. He has a scraggly beard, his robe is torn, but he's there.

"Ok I checked. You can get married in Heaven."

The couple take a few steps, but the bride stops. She looks to Saint Peter.

"This is eternity right?"

"Yes, that's the idea."

"Could we ever get divorced?"

"Look, bitch, you saw long it took me to find a priest in there do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a fucking lawyer?
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 11:02 AM on December 5, 2014 [31 favorites]

a husband and wife have been married for over 20 years...they are rich, have everything they have ever wanted in life, but they are miserable and can barely stand each other anymore. One night, they are having dinner together, just eating their food and not speaking to each other. They don't even look at each other. The husband, wanting to twist the knife and try to make his wife feel bad, looks up from his meal and says, "you know, we wouldn't need a maid ...if you knew how to cook." The wife hears this, but doesn't say anything. She finishes her meal in silence. When she's done, she thanks the maid for the lovely meal. She leaves her napkin on the table, and as she's leaving, she bends over and whispers ever so sweetly in her husbands ear...

..."you know, we wouldn't need a gardener...if you knew how to fuck."
posted by KillaSeal at 11:04 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

I have only one standard, go-to joke on the off chance someone asks me to tell a joke. There's the interrupting cow, and this:

So the Pope is visiting New York, and he's being given a limo tour. All the way, the chauffeur's patiently pointing out the sights in downtown Manhattan, while the Pope appears bored. Before long, the Pope heaves a sigh and confides with the driver.

"You know, I live a very sheltered life in the Vatican. To be honest, I haven't driven a car in over 50 years. Do you think you could find it in your heart to give an old man the simple pleasure of taking the wheel for a little while?"

The chauffeur is sceptical, but he can't say no to the Pope. "Sure, Your Holiness." And he pulls the limo over. The Pope gets out, walks to the driver's side, and when he sees the chauffeur scooting over, the Pope shakes his head.

"No, please," says the Pope. "Sit in the back. I'll do the driving, and you can relax with some TV, for all the hard work you've done."

Again, the chauffeur can't say no, so he obliges. With that, the Pope gets behind the wheel, and they're off.

Well. As the Pope said, he hasn't driven a car in over 50 years. He doesn't know right lane from left, red light from green, and he's all over downtown Manhattan causing all kinds of trouble. An astute cop sees this erratic limo, flips on his lights, and pulls him over.

But when he gets to the driver's side window and sees the Pope sitting there, the cop is flummoxed.

"Uh ... can I see your licence and registration .... Your Holiness?"

The Pope is confused. "What's licence? What's registration?"

"Never mind," the cop says. "You just wait here. I'll be right back."

So the cop walks back to his patrol car, and picks up the radio. Unsure how to handle the situation, he radios dispatch to get him the Sergeant.

"Sir," the cop says to the Sergeant, "I have pulled over a very important person for several major traffic violations. Uncertain how to proceed. Please advise."

"OK, let's start from the start," the Sergeant says. "Is he more important than me?"

"Yes, sir, he is more important than you."

"OK, does he outrank the mayor?"

"Yes, sir, most definitely."

"Alright, what about the governor?"

"Without a doubt."

"Well, is he more important than the President of the United States of America?!"

"Sir, this man has got to be more important than the President."

"Well, who the hell is he?," the Sergeant asks.

"I have no idea," says the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving him around everywhere he goes."
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 11:10 AM on December 5, 2014 [60 favorites]

*throws a brick into the air and backwards in time*
posted by Hamusutaa at 11:22 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Oh, well if that IBM joke is allowed, then I'm telling the telco one, even though the setup is awkward.

When you go out for a hike, make sure to pack a length of fiber optic line and a small shovel. That way, if you get lost, dig a hole and bury the cable in it, and then you can just hitch a ride on the backhoe.
posted by ernielundquist at 11:32 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

I have really specialized go-to jokes, it's all either for classical musicians or antique British car enthusiasts.

What's the first thing an alto does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

How do you get two piccolos in tune?
Shoot one.

A tenor and a violinist fall of a cliff. Who hits the ground first?
Who cares?

Why didn't MG ever make computers?
Because they couldn't make them leak oil.

How do you make cancer disappear?
Give it a Lucas parts number.

Why do the British drink their beer warm?
Because Lucas made their fridges too.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:40 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

okay fine I'll tell a math joke.

q: what's big and gray and proves the uncountability of the reals?
a: Cantor's diagonal elephant.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:45 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

I think I learned this joke here, but it's become the one I always tell:

A guy walks into a bar with a big black eye, and the bartender asks, "Where'd you get that, buddy?" The guy gives a big sigh and says, "In church." "CHURCH?" "Well, yeah, me and my buddy were in church, and there was this really pretty woman in a sundress in the pew in front of us, and when we all stood up for the Our Father I saw her dress was caught between her cheeks, so I reached over and pulled it out. And then she turned around and punched me right in the face." The bartender just shook his head and gave him a beer.

So a week later the same guy walks into the bar and he has ANOTHER big black eye. The bartender says, "OK, pal, where'd you get THAT one?" and the guy says, "Church." "Again?" "Well, yeah, me and my buddy were in church, and the same woman was sitting in the pew in front of us, and when we all stood up for the Our Father her dress was caught between her cheeks again, and my buddy reached over and pulled it out. And I said to him, 'She don't LIKE it like that!' and I stuffed it back in."
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:45 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

I think I originally heard this one from Stephen Fry:

A hen goes into a library, goes up to the librarian and says "Buk!" The librarian hands it a book and away goes the hen with the book clutched under its wing. The next day, it comes in again and says "Buk buk!" The librarian gives it two books and away it goes with its two books. The third day, it comes in again and says "Buk buk buk!" The librarian gives it three books and it leaves again, but this time the librarian is curious and thinks, "I've never met a hen who could read so fast..."

So the librarian follows the hen out of the library and down the street, and sees the hen go into a little house. The librarian leans down and peers into the window, and sees the hen walk over to a bed, where a frog is lying with a thermometer in its mouth and a flannel on its head. One by one the hen hands each book over to the frog, and the frog says "Reddit... reddit... reddit..."
posted by AllShoesNoSocks at 11:46 AM on December 5, 2014 [14 favorites]

A nun comes shuffling into the office and says, "Mother Superior! There's a case of chlamydia in the convent!"

"Thank goodness. I was getting tired of the Chablis."
posted by komara at 11:49 AM on December 5, 2014 [14 favorites]

Two nuns are biking back to the convent. One says, "I know a shortcut" and turns down a dark alley. The other, nervous, says, "I've never come this way before."

"Oh, it's the cobblestones."
posted by komara at 11:50 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]

Q: Why do women have no brains?
A: No dick to put them in.

I'll just show myself out now...
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

[To be told in the Upper Midwest]

Ole and Lena are out in the woods on a starlit wagon ride. Just when the atmosphere can't get any more romantic, their horse suddenly stops and takes an endless, clattering, steaming piss.

Nobody says anything for an embarrassed minute as the horse does his business and the reek rises around them. Lena, desperate to put the evening back on track, finally looks up at the sky and says, "Ole? Can you find me the Big Dipper?"

"Lena!" says Ole, appalled. "You know dat stuff ain't fit ta drink!"
posted by Iridic at 11:56 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

OH WAIT I forgot about this one

Why are women bad at parallel parking?
Because they've been told that THIS (*hold up hands a little bit apart*) is eight inches for years.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:56 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"...
posted by Spatch at 12:02 PM on December 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

Random question: are there any jokes about Catholic religious orders where the punchline isn't about a Jesuit trying to work an angle?
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:10 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

There was a farmer, who raised pigs. This year, for some reason, he had all females.

So to breed them, he would need to borrow a male pig from some other farmer.
He found one who was willing, but said, "Sure! But I can't bring the male pig to you.
You will have to bring your females to my farm."

Early Saturday morning, the farmer loaded all his pigs into the back of his pickup.
He took them to the other farm where they spent some time with the male,
then he took them home.

The next Saturday, he did the same thing.

On the third Saturday morning, the owner of the male pig called the farmer on the phone.
"Any of them pregnant?" he asked.

"I don't know," said the farmer, "but they're all in the back of the truck!"

That was my Grandpa's favorite joke. He was a farmer.
posted by Puddle Jumper at 12:20 PM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

I have a friend whose family are all Minnesota Swedish farmers. He told me these jokes:

So, Einar and Inga get in the car and head to Minneapolis. Einar puts his hand on Inga's knee. Inga says, "Einar, you can go further" So they went to Duluth.

Einar, the Swedish batchelor farmer, goes to the big city. He gets a room in a big, highrise hotel, and gets in the elevator to go to his room. Right before the elevator closes, a gorgeous blond hops in the elevator and purrs ... "you've got 34 floors to make me feel like a woman." Einar thinks for a minute, takes off all of his clothes, tosses them in the corner, and says "pick up those clothes and fold them."
posted by readery at 12:40 PM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

Robot walked into a bar, ordered a drink, laid down a bill. Bartender said hey we don't serve robots and the robot said, oh but one day you will.
posted by slogger at 12:41 PM on December 5, 2014 [34 favorites]

Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A: A-flat minor.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:44 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"...

Okay, this is my new favorite joke. Of course, if I tried to tell it my friends and family wouldn't realize it was a joke, but still.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:45 PM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

A man is walking on the beach when he finds a lamp in the sand. He rubs the lamp and out comes a genie who will grant him one wish.

He holds up a map, points to the Middle East and says "this region of earth has been plagues by bloodshed and violence for centuries. Could you bring peace there?"

The genie says "that could be tough, do you have another wish?"

The man replies "I've been married for thirty-five years and my wife has never given me a blowjob. Do you think you could help me?"

The genie thinks it over and says "could you show me that map again?".
posted by dr_dank at 12:53 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Three-in-one joke:

Johnny's dad gets a call from the principal's office saying he needs to come in to discuss Johnny's misbehavior in school. He leaves work to go to the school, and when he arrives at the principal's office, he sees Johnny already there. He nods to the principal and sits in the chair next to his son, both facing the desk behind which the principal scowls.

"Okay, what did he do?" the father asks exasperatedly.

"Well," said the principal, "when his history teacher asked him who killed Lincoln, Johnny replied, 'Wasn't me!'"

The father immediately responds defensively to the principal, "Well, it wasn't..." and turning to Johnny, "was it?"
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:56 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Why do nuns always go out in pairs?
The second nun's there to make sure the first nun don't get none.


I would love to see punchlines for:

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:01 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Q: How many MeFites does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: [several deleted comments. Please address the topic at hand instead of just dogpiling on the lightbulb again.]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:06 PM on December 5, 2014 [80 favorites]

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

HURF DURF LIGHTBULB SCREWER
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:07 PM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]

[also, lightbulb, everyone already knows where you stand on this issue. Please stop trying to make this thread all about you.]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:13 PM on December 5, 2014 [41 favorites]

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, actually...
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:16 PM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: As a white man, I've never really been bothered by burnt out lightbulbs.
posted by Reyturner at 1:16 PM on December 5, 2014 [16 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It's more correctly written as two words, "light bulb", and I have flagged your comment for using the word "screwing" .
posted by briank at 1:17 PM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

A horse walks into a bar and becomes panicked by the crowd, smoke and noise. His bowels empty and he begins running into the walls, falling over tables and bucking wildly. Several patrons are seriously injured.
posted by dgaicun at 1:21 PM on December 5, 2014 [19 favorites]

A horse walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop, and better make it snappy" because it was the Skeletal Horse of Death.
posted by dgaicun at 1:21 PM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

If we had a universal basic income, everyone would be able to afford environmentally sound lightbulbs that never burn out.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:31 PM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one, and he'll take care of it as soon as he updates the MeFi Podcast intro to include his name.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:31 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof.

BAH-DUM-CHING.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:45 PM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof.

BAH-DUM-CHING.

ftfy ;)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:48 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think I've posted this before, but it really is the best knock-knock joke I know. It's ideally deployed at the end of a string of "interrupting [thing]" knock-knock jokes-- interrupting cow ("MOO!"), pirate ("ARR!"), starfish (gently place hand on joke victim's face), etc. Here it is:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Julia Child.

Interrupting Julia Chi--

[in best Julia Child voice] HELLOOOOOOO!
posted by nonasuch at 3:31 PM on December 5, 2014 [22 favorites]

Ha, the genie in a lamp joke reminds me of this variant I once heard:

A man finds a brass lamp in out in the woods. He picks it up and begins to rub the dirt off of it when a genie appears.

"I will grant you one wish!" declares the genie.

The man thinks it over and says, "Can you make a bridge that connects the West Coast to Hawaii over the ocean so that I can ride my motorcycle all the way there, non-stop?"

The genie replies, "Well, the amount of labor and material to make that happen would be very prohibitive, and may very well be beyond my powers to grant. Do you have something else in mind?"

The man thinks for a second and says, "Well, I've always had a hard time understanding what my wife is thinking whenever she gets upset with me. Can you help me with that?"

The genie responds, "Two lanes or four?"
posted by surazal at 3:36 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

What is it that an East Frisian person takes to bed?

No idea

A stone and a box of matches

Huh, why?

The stone to throw out the lamp.

And the matches?

To look after whether it's really gone out.

(Ah the bliss of Ostfriesenwitze)
posted by Namlit at 4:10 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Genie with a hearing problem joke as told in the New Yorker
posted by humanfont at 4:28 PM on December 5, 2014 [13 favorites]

Grandma, grandma, I don't want to run in circles any more!

Shut up, kid, or I'll nail your other foot to the ground too.
posted by Namlit at 4:37 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Chinese Communist Cow.
Maoooooooooo

---------------

A man goes to the doctor, saying "help! help! my penis is 450 nanometers!"
The doc says "what, that small?"
The man responds "no, that blue!"

---------------

Reading through these jokes I can't help but want to categorize them- from "pun" to "insider knowledge required" to "stereotype joke" to "literalist", etc. But then I really want someone else to go through and do that, for both this thread and the reddit one. I wonder if there'd be any statistical differences?
posted by nat at 4:37 PM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

There was this librarian working the check out desk at the public library and one day, this chicken walks in. The chicken pecks her way over to the desk and says "buk, buk, buk, buk, buk", staring intently at the librarian. Not really sure what to do, she reaches behind her, takes a book off the shelf and hands it to the chicken who carries it off out the front door in her beak.

About 20 minutes later, the chicken returns with the book, drops it on the desk and repeats "buk, buk, buk, buk!" The librarian chooses another book off the shelf and hands that one to the chicken. Again, the chicken walks out with the book.

Another 20 minutes pass and the chicken brings back this book. She slides it back over the counter and insistently this time says "buk, buk, buk!"

"So, you didn't like that one either, well here, try this one." The chicken hurries out the door.

By this time, the librarian thinks this is the craziest thing she's ever seen and decides to follow the chicken. She sneaks out behind her, following her down the steps, across the street, through the park and across a meadow until she arrives, with the book, at the edge of a pond. The chicken drops the book in front of a frog and slides it forward.

"Buk, buk, buk, buk, buk"

At which the frog replies, "rrred-it, rrred-it"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 4:53 PM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]

Oh goddamn it, I should have finished the thread, please ignore my repeat, although it is my go to joke, mostly because it works well with young kids.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:19 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

An old lady is driving down the highway while knitting.
A CHP drives up alongside her and yells, "Pull over!"
She rolls down her window and yells back, "No, cardigan!"
posted by SpottedWasatch at 5:26 PM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Is this something I would need an electrical socket to understand?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:28 PM on December 5, 2014 [21 favorites]

f'(x) = 2x - 1 walks into a bar and orders a whiskey sour.

"Wait a minute," says the bartender, "isn't this joke a little derivative?"
posted by traveler_ at 5:36 PM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many AskMeFites does it take to determine whether you can eat a lightbulb?
posted by The Bellman at 5:38 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

Ole and Lena!

Ole and Lena got married and were headed to Duluth for the honeymoon.
They arrive at the bus station and Ole asks the bus driver, "Does dis bus go to Da-loot?"
The bus driver replies, "No, dis bus goes 'Toooooot-tooooooot!'"

-----

Ole was a little nervous before the wedding, so he asked his buddy Sven for some wedding night advice. Sven tells him not to worry. In the room, just rub Lena's stomach and say her name. Then he'll know what to do.

So the get to their room in Duluth and Ole starts rubbing Lena's stomach. "Oh Lena, Oh Lena," he says.
"Lower, Ole, Lower!" Lena says.
Ole clears his throat.
"Oh LENA, Oh LENA."
posted by MsDaniB at 5:41 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

So I'm unfamiliar with the Minnesota Swedish joke genre as a whole, and I don't see the name "Lena" that often. As a result of the combination of these two facts, I can't picture the Lena in these jokes as anyone but Lena Dunham. Which makes the jokes just real weird.

Best I can figure, she's making a guest appearance on Prairie Home Companion or something.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:49 PM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]

I once lost my job after an accident at work. I got my penis caught in the pickle cutter. [pause while every man winces] I felt pretty bad after when I found out the pickle cutter lost her job too.
posted by humanfont at 6:00 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

The lightbulb is gaslighting. DTMFA!
posted by southeastyetagain at 6:01 PM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

Q: How many MeFites does it take to change a lightbulb?

A; It takes two MeFites to change a lightbulb: One to post an askme, one to give an answer 8 seconds later, one to refute that answer. It takes three, three Mefites to change a lightbulb: One to post an Askme, one to give an answer, one to refute it, one to make a cultural/movie reference and one to call 'derail!'. it takes 5 , five mefites to change a lightbulb.
posted by OHenryPacey at 6:03 PM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]

A city-slicker moves to the countryside to start a farm. He begins by going to the local Ag store and purchases two dozen baby chicks.

A week later he's back to buy another two dozen.

"Things going that well?" asks the Ag salesman.
"No, poorly." the cityman replies, "They all died."
"Sorry to hear that. Hope you have better luck with this group."

A week later, he's back in the store again.
"More chicks?" asks the salesman.
"Yes. I don't know what is going wrong. I give them food, I give them water, I just don't know," the cityman sighs, "My best guess now is that I am either planting them too deep, or too close together."
posted by fings at 6:19 PM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]

Boy wants a car from his dad, dad says first you gotta cut that hair. Boy says hey dad Jesus had long hair. Dad said that's right son, Jesus walked everywhere.
posted by slogger at 7:18 PM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.
posted by jameaterblues at 7:18 PM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]

There are 11 types of people: those that weren't expecting this to be a base-1 joke, and those that were.
posted by fings at 7:23 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so St. Peter decided that he was going to ask everyone how they died, and only admit those who he thought were worthy based on their stories. One day, three men arrive at the same time. St. Peter asks the first man how he died. The man tells this story:

"I lived on the 30th floor of a high-rise apartment building. I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to surprise her by coming home from a business trip one day early to see if I could catch her in the act. I got home and sure enough, I found my wife naked in our bed, and it was obvious she hadn't been alone. I searched every inch of our apartment, but no one else was there. Just then, I heard someone yelling outside our bedroom window. I went to look, and sure enough, there was a half-naked guy clinging to the windowsill. I grabbed a hammer and started smashing his fingers until he lost his grip and fell into some bushes. I thought I saw him moving, so I threw the refrigerator out the window after him. Unfortunately, that refrigerator was so heavy that I had a heart attack and died right there."

St. Peter says "Oh, how awful! Totally understandable, though. Welcome to heaven!" The first man enters the pearly gates. The second man steps up and tells this story:

"I lived on the 40th floor of a high-rise apartment building. It was a beautiful day, and I was exercising on my balcony in just my shorts. Unfortunately, the railing was loose, and a gust of wind blew it right off the balcony and me along with it. I was sure I was a goner, but miraculously I managed to grab onto a windowsill on the 30th floor. I yelled for help, but this crazy guy came to the window and started smashing my fingers with a hammer. I tried to hang on, but I lost my grip and fell. Amazingly, I landed safely in the bushes below. Just as I started to get up, the crazy guy threw a refrigerator out the window and it crushed me to death."

St. Peter said "Oh, that's terrible! Welcome to Heaven!" The second man enters the pearly gates. St. Peter turns to the third man and asked "And how did you die?"

The third man says, "There I was, hiding in this refrigerator..."
posted by SisterHavana at 8:01 PM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

So I'm unfamiliar with the Minnesota Swedish joke genre as a whole...

In recognition of your plight, here's the most thoroughly Minnesota-Swedish joke I know:

A Swede is off to the bright lights of Saint Paul for the first time in his young life. His mother tearfully begs him to stay away from the rough and tumble Norwegian neighborhoods: "They kill Swedes on sight there!"

His train in is delayed, and it's past midnight before he sets foot on the city streets. The river is spewing a thick clinging fog, and the streetlights are dim and his English is not too good, and before he knows it he's thoroughly lost in what appears to be a very rough and tumble neighborhood.

And then he trips and falls into a pig pen - not that he can tell it's a pig pen. It's dark, and there's mud in his eyes, and when he tries to feel his way to his feet he encounters a...person? A big mass of muscle, puffing sour, inquisitive breaths at him. A fellow Swede, he can only hope?

"Är du svensk?" he quavers.

And the pig replies,

"Norsk, Norsk."
posted by Iridic at 8:33 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Reading through these jokes I can't help but want to categorize them- from "pun" to "insider knowledge required" to "stereotype joke" to "literalist", etc. But then I really want someone else to go through and do that, for both this thread and the reddit one. I wonder if there'd be any statistical differences?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:03 PM on December 5, 2014 [22 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Therapy.
posted by ilana at 9:24 PM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]

Three guys are waiting at the the pearly gates for their entrance exam with Saint Peter. He calls the first one over and asks "What do you know about Easter?"

"That's the one in summer when you have the day off, right? And sometimes there's a parade with Uncle Sam and marching bands, and a big barbecue or a picnic, and afterwards there's a big fireworks display—"

"Uh, okay," interrupts Saint Peter, "could you just wait over there for a moment? Thanks." He calls over the second guy and asks, "What can you tell me about Easter?"

"Well, that's the day where your whole family comes together, and you eat a huge turkey dinner. Afterwards, you all sit around and either sleep, or watch football. And the next day you go shopping!"

"Riiiiight," says Saint Peter, "Why don't you go wait over there with the first guy. I'll get back to you." He then motions over the third guys and asks, "I don't suppose you know anything about Easter, do you?"

"Oh, sure! That's when the Romans crucified Jesus! They put Him up on the cross, and He died, and they took Him down off the cross, and they buried Him, and rolled a big rock in front of His tomb, and—"

"Hold it right there," says Saint Peter. "You two! Come over here. I want you to hear what this man has to say!" The first two join them and and he turns back to the third man and says, "Please tell these gentlemen what you were telling me."

"Sure," says the third man, "well, like I was saying, Easter is when they crucified Jesus, and He died on the cross, and they took Him down and buried Him in a tomb, and rolled a big rock in front of it, and three days later, they came back, and they rolled the rock away, and Jesus was alive, and He came out of His tomb, and saw His shadow, and they had six more weeks of winter!"
posted by mon-ma-tron at 9:51 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

20, same as in town.
posted by Room 641-A at 9:54 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

Q: What did the Minnesotan and the Palestinian name their baby?

A: Yassir Youbetcha.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:20 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!

-------

A farmhand is walking by the barn, and the door's open a crack. Movement inside catches his eye, so he peeks in.

[the following part is best accompanied by actions]
Inside is the farmer, his boss, gyrating up against the front of the John Deere.
He slides off the straps of his overalls, and lets them drop to the floor.
He rubs his body partially clothed against the giant tires, licking his lips sensuously.
He rips off his flannel shirt, buttons flying everywhere and grinds his hips against the radiator...

At this point, the poor farmhand is just utterly shocked, just totally confused and stunned watching this spectacle. Finally, his curiosity gets the better of him and he burst through the door! "BOSS! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" he asks, incredulous.

The farmer whips around, turning bright red. He's clearly ashamed, and starts to stammer out his reply. "W-w-well, the missus and I have been having some trouble," he says, "ya know, in the bedroom. And so she dragged me to some damn marriage counsellor, and, don't ask me why, but the doc told me I had to bring the spark back to our sex life by doin' somethin' sexy to a tractor!"
posted by Grandysaur at 10:45 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]

A farmer had a lot of animals but the one he'd had the longest was an old red rooster. The rooster had a libido that was just crazy - he spent all day every day having sex with any animal he could find - sheep, cows, goats, pigeons, pigs - it didn't matter, the little rooster was going at it with joy. The farmer said to the rooster, "Rooster, you've got to slow down with this. You're not getting any younger and if you keep this up, it's going to kill you."

The rooster paid no attention - he just kept pleasuring all the barnyard animals - dawn to dusk, he was at it every day.

One day, the farmer came out into the yard and found the old rooster lying dead in the dirt, feathers askew, eyes closed forever. The farmer was very sad and he knelt by the rooster and said, "Oh rooster, I tried to warn you. Why didn't you listen? Now, old friend, I'm going to miss you, all because you couldn't just grow old gracefully like the rest of us. Poor rooster ..."

The rooster slowly opened one eye and looked at the farmer, then looked up and whispered, "Shh ... buzzards."
posted by aryma at 11:48 PM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]

Q: How may Mefites does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You can't change a lightbulb. It has to want to change itself. DTMFLB.
posted by notyou at 12:59 AM on December 6, 2014 [22 favorites]

So there's this travelling salesman whose car breaks down and he seeks help at a nearby farm. The farmer takes him in, lets him eat dinner with the family, and then the two men go out into the yard for an after-dinner smoke. Glancing into the pigsty, the salesman sees a young pig with three good legs and one wooden one.

"That's amazing," he says. "I've never seen a pig with a wooden leg before."

"That's little Percy," the farmer replies. "There's quite a story behind how he got that leg. One night, about a year ago, a fire broke out in the workshop under our bedroom and pretty soon the whole house was ablaze. The whole family had been working 15 hour days to get the harvest in on time, and we were so exhausted we slept on while the fire raged through the ground floor and began to burn its way up the stairs.

"Percy must have smelt the smoke, because he nosed the latch of the pigsty gate open, soaked himself down in the water trough and ran into the house. He ran straight through the flames, bust into our bedroom and squealed right in my ear till I woke up and got myself and the wife safely out of the house. Then he ran back inside, grabbed the baby by the scruff of its neck and dragged that child out into the yard too. When Percy collapsed beside us, he was badly burnt all down his flank, but he's a tough little bugger. A month or two later, you'd never have known he was ever injured."

The salesman looks back down at Percy with new respect. "That is the most remarkable story I have ever heard," he says. "But it still doesn't explain the wooden leg."

"Ah, well now," the farmer says, sucking his pipe. "You don't eat a pig like that all at once."
posted by Paul Slade at 1:56 AM on December 6, 2014 [9 favorites]

Q: How may Ask Mefites does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change a light bulb? Why would you want to do that? I happen to have a light bulb right here, and it's working great.

(I have a vague feeling this is from an actual MeTa thread)
posted by tigrrrlily at 2:36 AM on December 6, 2014 [7 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It varies. There is no bright light policy, only guidelines.
posted by billiebee at 3:25 AM on December 6, 2014 [11 favorites]

Surprised this one hasn't come up yet, but:

Q: Why should you always take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

A: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 4:05 AM on December 6, 2014 [10 favorites]

This joke is set in the Age of Sail, when England ruled the waves, and cutlasses were brandished with regularity.

A young midshipman has just been transferred to serve on the HMS Golgotha under the esteemed Captain Stern. He spends the first few days learning how best to serve the captain, where the rum is, how to tie a reef knot to satisfaction, that sort of thing.

Then, one fine morning, a call comes from the crow's-nest: "Pirate ship on the starboard bow!"

The Captain turns and bellows: "Midshipman! Bring me my red shirt!"

An odd request, thinks the midshipman, but he's been trained to lightning-quick and unquestioning obedience, so he brings the shirt to the captain, who retreats to his quarters, dons the shirt, and then takes the deck once more.

A battle is fought, with much derring-do, and finally the pirates are repulsed.

Afterwards, the midshipman is serving the captain his after-dinner port, and finally ventures to ask, "Sir, when the pirates were spotted, you asked me to fetch your red shirt. Might I inquire as to the reason?"

The captain, normally a gruff and taciturn man, is sufficiently mellowed by the rather excellent Taylor's that he says, "Well, if I had been wounded in the battle, the loss to morale would have been disastrous. Thus, I always wear a red shirt during a melee, to hide any potential bloodstains."

Genius, thinks the midshipman. This is the stuff, serving under a man with such command of advanced strategy.

A few days later, the call comes from the crow's-nest again: "Two pirate ships off the port bow!"

Again, the captain calls out: "Midshipman! Fetch me my red shirt!" Again, the midshipman obliges. Again, a keenly fought battle is waged. Again, the HMS Golgotha is victorious.

A few days later, the call comes once more from the crow's-nest: "Ten pirate ships off the port bow; ten pirate ships off the starboard bow!"

"Midshipman! Bring me my brown trousers!"
posted by The Outsider at 4:27 AM on December 6, 2014 [9 favorites]

A procotologist goes out to dinner with his friends.

When the check comes, he offers to pay, and he reaches into his pocket, only to pull out a thermometer.

He frowns and exclaims "Dammit! Some asshole stole my pen."
posted by gnutron at 5:00 AM on December 6, 2014 [6 favorites]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the cock. Father! LADDER!
posted by mrjohnmuller at 7:10 AM on December 6, 2014 [12 favorites]

Here's my variant on Iridic's joke:

This dude and his best friend, a penguin, are driving through Arizona when they notice that the oil pressure light is on. The dude gets gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

The penguin sees a snack bar next to the gas station and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. "Want some?" he asks his buddy. "No, thanks, I'm just gonna hit the rest room."

The penguin gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" the penguin replies, scrubbing at his beak, "it's just ice cream."

The dude comes back and asks what's up with the car. The penguin says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"Blew a Seal? What!! He told me he was an Army Ranger!"
posted by Jasper Fnorde at 8:04 AM on December 6, 2014 [5 favorites]

[From my partner!]

So a guy goes to a pet shop looking for a parrot, and finds one half-off. "What's with the discount on this one?" he asks the shopkeeper. "Well," the shopkeeper says, "this one picked up some pretty bad language from its previous owner, but it's no big deal: if he bothers you, just toss a sheet over his cage and he'll settle down."

Convinced, the man takes the parrot home. It doesn't take long before the parrot starts squawking language as blue as its feathers, cursing its new owner. The man tosses a sheet over the cage, like the shopkeeper suggested, and after a while the bird settles down. But no sooner does he remove the sheet than the bird goes back to its old ways.

"RAWK!" The parrot squawks. "Your mother's a whore!" The man reaches for the sheet. "And *RAWK* that sheet smells like her--"

"Right, that does it!" the man exclaims, and shoves the bird in the cupboard. The bird curses and yells, demanding to be let out. "While you're in there, you can think about what you've done," the man yells back. A string of invective that would make a sailor blush comes from behind the door. Eventually the bird quiets down, and the man goes to the cupboard to check on it. As soon as he opens the door, the parrot flies out and launches into even more vulgar abuse.

Infuriated, the man grabs the parrot and in his rage shoves it into the freezer. The parrot's muffled obscenities can be heard through the door. "This place even more frigid than your girlfriend! Let me out, you bastard!"

Suddenly everything's quiet.

Peacefully, mercifully quiet.

A bit too quiet.

Concerned, the man opens the freezer. To his relief, he finds the parrot alive, trembling in the cold... and very, VERY contrite.

"I'm very sorry, sir, I'm very very sorry, it won't happen again, I promise," says the parrot, shivering.

"You've said that before."

"Oh no sir, I promise you, it will never happen again, never ever, I'm a reformed bird."

"Ok..." the man says, holding out his arm for the parrot.

The parrot walks timidly up his arm. "I just have one question," it whispers meekly.

"Yeah?"

"So, uh,... What'd the chicken do?"
posted by Westringia F. at 9:13 AM on December 6, 2014 [16 favorites]

Another alt version of the Penguin joke:

SO ANYWAY there’s this penguin that happens to be taking a road trip, and his car starts crapping out while he’s in the middle of a tiny desert town there’s one mechanic in town, and so he limps his car there.

The mechanic says “I’m kinda busy, so it might take me about an hour to get to your car -- why don’t you go take a walk around town, and come back in about an hour, and I’ll let you know what I find so the penguin begrudgingly agrees and goes on a walk around town.

But here’s the thing, it’s really really hot, and penguins, as it turns out, like really really cold things and the penguin is just MISERABLE from the heat. But he sees an ice cream parlor and thinks to himself “hot damn -- this’ll be air conditioned and I can just kill an hour in here”

So he does, and he figures that "when in rome" and buys a vanilla cone. And it’s so cold and nice, and it’s just perfect. And soon enough, and after a few more cones, an hour goes by, and so the penguin leaves the confines of the lovely, cool parlor and starts his walk back to the mechanic.

The mechanic sees him and waves, and says “You blew a seal” and the penguin goes JUST THAT ONE TIME
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 9:56 AM on December 6, 2014 [3 favorites]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS HERE!
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:20 AM on December 6, 2014 [7 favorites]

The punch line to my favourite priest/nun joke is:

"Forty bucks! Same as downtown."
posted by Pablo MacWilliams at 10:26 AM on December 6, 2014

What is the difference between a mallard with influenza and your mother. One's a sick duck and I forget the rest but your mother is a whore.
posted by humanfont at 1:12 PM on December 6, 2014 [6 favorites]

Greg Nog, The Whelk, and mathowie walk into a talent agent's office.........
posted by schmod at 1:19 PM on December 6, 2014 [6 favorites]

So there was this farmer. One day, he and his wife wake up late because lo and behold, their trusty rooster had died. Every morning for years without fail, this rooster had woken them up at sunrise with a loud cry of "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

Understandably stricken with grief over the loss of their beloved chicken, the farmer and his wife agree that he should go into town and buy a new one. So he hitches the horses to the wagon, and off he goes.

Some hours later, the farmer returns. His wife is displeased; sitting next to him in the wagon is a beautiful young woman.

"Where's the new rooster?" his wife asks.

"Don't worry," the farmer says, "it'll work out fine. She's a nymphomaniac."

The farmer's wife is not exactly mollified by this news, but keeps her peace.

The young woman goes to sleep in the barn, and the farmer and his wife retire to their bed. Sure enough, the next morning they're awoken at sunrise by the young woman walking out into the yard and yelling...

"Any cock'll do!"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:49 PM on December 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

And the kid-friendly version:

What's the difference between a patriot, a rooster, and an old maid?

The patriot says "Yankee Doodle-doo!"
The rooster says "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
And the old maid says...

"Any dude'll do!"
posted by Westringia F. at 3:06 PM on December 6, 2014

What's the difference between a warhorse and a carthorse?

A warhorse darts into the fray.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:17 PM on December 6, 2014 [5 favorites]

Oh à propos,
- there was this high-ranking foreign visitor who was allowed to share the coach with the English Queen. While they're underway, a horses makes a noise.

The Queen is mortified and excuses herself multiple times.
Visitor: "No worries your Majesty, no worries at all!
In fact I thought it was one of the horses."
posted by Namlit at 3:24 PM on December 6, 2014 [5 favorites]

Metafilter: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:48 PM on December 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Always three Mefites for doing anything. In this example one to actually screw in the lightbulb, one to cook some beans, and one to eat up the fish sticks from last week on the counter.
posted by Namlit at 3:56 PM on December 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

A man goes into a talent agent's office with a dog. "I tell ya this mutt can really talk... what covers a house?"
The dog barks out "Roof!"
"See, he said 'roof'. Now, what's my name?"
"Ralph!"
"See, he said 'Ralph'. Now who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the agent, having seen enough, boots them out of his office.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
(yes, it's from a Looney Tune, but I've had many times in my life when I feel like I shoulda said DiMaggio...)
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:13 PM on December 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

I like "What are the two sexiest animals on the farm?"

♫Brown-chicken, brown-cow♫
posted by aydeejones at 8:59 PM on December 6, 2014 [9 favorites]

A warhorse darts into the fray.


What's the difference between Elmer Fudd and a constipated owl?

One shoots and shoots but never hits ...

What's the difference between Cirque du Soleil and the best little whorehouse in Texas?

One has a cunning array of stunts ...

Pickpocket and peeping Tom?

Snatches watches ...

Epileptic corn-husker and prostitute with diarrhea.

Something something your mom.
posted by dgaicun at 12:32 AM on December 7, 2014 [5 favorites]

I used to know this guy who bailed on an advertising job and moved to a cabin in the Ozarks.

It's his first day and he's out clearing brush on his property when this brawny hill-man unexpectedly emerges from the woods at the edge of the clearing and says "Howdy stranger".

My friends says "Howdy".

The hill-person says "I live over yonder. I'm throwin' a party tonight to welcome ya to the neighborhood.

My friend says "That's great. I'll be there."

"I gotta warn ya though," says the mountain-billy, "there's gonna be a whole a lot of drinkin'."

My friend says "that's OK, I can hold my liquor."

"Alright," replies the mountain-billy, "but I gotta warn ya, there's gonna be a whole lot of fightin'."

My friend says "that's OK, I can hold my own in a fight."

"Alright," replies the mountain-billy, "but I gotta warn you, there's gonna be a whole lot of fuckin'."

My friend says "That sounds like fun."

The hill-man nods and turns to walk away.

My friend says "Wait, what should I bring? What should I wear?"

"It don't matter much," replies the hill-man, "it's jes gon' be you an me."
posted by dgaicun at 2:20 AM on December 7, 2014 [7 favorites]

I met a girl at the discotheque. I offered her my honor, she honored my offer, and from there it was on 'er and off 'er all night.
posted by dgaicun at 2:50 AM on December 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think at this point its clear. If you post
'How many Mefites does it take to change a light bulb?' to AskMe

flagged as chatfilter.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:40 AM on December 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yes, but the deletion reason would read "Sorry, this really belongs in Metatalk".
posted by cortex at 7:14 AM on December 7, 2014 [9 favorites]

This requires some pantomime to work:

Cletus decides that he and Wanda June have had enough kids, and he goes to Doc Jones for advice.

The doc says, "I can give you a vasectomy, but it's going to cost three hundred dollars."

"Shoot, I ain't got that kinda money," Cletus says. "What else can I do?"

"Okay," says the doc, "go buy a quart bottle of Budweiser and an M-80.* Sit down in a comfy chair and drink the beer. When the bottle's empty, light the M-80, drop it in the bottle and count to ten."

"Don't seem like it oughta work," Cletus says, "but you're the doctor." So he buys the items, goes back home and drinks the beer. He lights the M-80, drops it in the bottle and starts counting.

[pantomime holding the bottle in the left hand and counting on the fingers of the right hand]

"One, two, three, four, five..."

[pantomine putting bottle into your crotch and continuing the count on your left hand]

"six, seven, eight..."

--------

*a large firecracker, equivalent to a quarter-stick of dynamite
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:04 AM on December 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

My default joke? The Tommy Cooper dentist joke obviously.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:14 PM on December 7, 2014

A couple months later the guy returns to the talent agent. This time along with the dog, he's got his wife, her sister and a gay mens chorus. The guy says to the agent, you are going to love this show. The agent is skeptical and his tiny office is overflowing with the dog, 14 members of a gay men, the stout mc, his wife and her sister.

The next 15 minutes devolves into a bachanal orgy with the dog quoting passages from the works of the Marquis de Sade. The chorus beat boxes and masterbaits eachother while the wife and her sister engage in a variety of sex acts with the mc. As the group has a mass climax the dog starts signing a powerful rendition of Ave Maria.

The entire thing is a mezmerizing spectical. At the end the agent is silent for a long moment.

Then he says, "that is a hell of an act, just one question what do you call it?"

"Metatalk," is the man's reply.
posted by humanfont at 3:04 PM on December 7, 2014 [11 favorites]

So, Metatalk is The New Aristocrats?
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:56 PM on December 7, 2014

Q: Why do some people get so annoyed when you stereotype music?
A: They hate cliché sounds.
posted by Seiten Taisei at 2:08 AM on December 8, 2014

This one was told to me by a six year about 20 times in a row. That's how I can remember it after 35 years.

Q: Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?
A: 'Cause if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirin.

Thank you. No, thank you.
posted by drinkmaildave at 9:35 AM on December 8, 2014 [6 favorites]

A doctor pays a housecall to a new patient. He knocks at the front door and the patient's wife escorts him into the man's office, and finds him already seated behind a large desk.

The doctor asks "Well, what seems to be the issue?"

The man says "You see, one testicle is larger than the other. Much larger. I can't go anywhere. I can't work. I can hardly walk. It's a real problem."

The doctor says "Let me examine you."

The man replies "Okay, but wait! I'm pretty sensitive about it. You have to promise not to laugh. It's really embarrassing." The doctor promises not to laugh.

So the man reaches under his desk and starts huffing and puffing. He's really struggling and finally he comes up with a massive swollen testicle, easily the size of a beach ball. It must weigh 100lbs at least, and the desk creaks under the load.

The doc is flabbergasted, he's never seen anything like it. He can't help but burst into laughter. Offended, his patient cries out "Hey, you promised not to laugh! Now I won't show you the big one!"
posted by mrbigmuscles at 9:41 AM on December 8, 2014 [4 favorites]

One more.

###

An ag major on summer break lands a gig working on a farm. His first day, the farmer gives him a tour. Here's the crops, here's the chickens, here's the cows, here's the barn, etc.

They stop at a certain paddock where there's a huge steer. Massive, lean, shiny coat, long horns, an impressive specimen. The farmer says: "This here's my pride and joy, Babe. He's the best steer in the state; won me a lot of shows, sired me a lot of calves."

He continues: "Only one problem: he's cross-eyed. Doesn't go over well at the county fair. So what I figured out is I stick a pipe in his asshole and blow real hard. That uncrosses his eyes for a while, and we win the show." The kid can't believe it, so the farmer shows him. Gets the pipe, lubes it up, shoves it in, and blows. Sure enough, the steers eyes uncross for a few hours. And the farmer tells him "Now, only I can do this, see. There's a technique to it. Too much pressure or too little and it don't work."

So the kid works the farm a few weeks, and one day he learns there's a state fair that weekend. Babe is to make an appearance. But on Friday, the farmer falls off a ladder and breaks his leg, so the kid has to go in his place. "But what about the eyes?" asks the kid. "I guess you'll just have to do your best," the farmer says. "Practice all night tonight."

The kid practices his heart out but he can't do it, he just makes the bull ornery. Then Saturday arrives and he takes Babe down to the fair. He's in Babe's stall, the show is about to start, and the steer's eyes are still crossed. He lubes up the pipe, shoves it in, and blows and blows. Babe's eyes remain crossed. "It's hopeless!" he shouts.

Just then, the farmer bursts into the stall, hobbling on crutches with a cast on. "Outta the way kid, I'll take care of this, broken leg or no."

The kid stands aside as the farmer grabs the pipe, pulls it out of Babe's ass, turns it around, and shoves it back in. He's about to blow when the kid shouts "Hey, what the hell'd you do that for?!"

And the farmer says, "What - you think I want to get your germs?"
posted by mrbigmuscles at 9:52 AM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

Q: How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: You don't know me or what I'm capable of. Don't just assume from a few random comments I've made about my lack of arms or eyesight that I am incompetent at having sex inside a lightbulb.
posted by Mental Wimp at 10:28 AM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

(I stole this from Dick Francis.)

So there's a pair of nude statues in a park. One male, one female. They've been there for 150 years, facing each other.

One day the Archangel Gabriel comes down from heaven and says to them "God, in Her infinite wisdom, has decided to give you a half-hour of life to do what you most want to do with each other."

The statues exchange a smoldering look, and scamper off into the bushes together. There's a lot of rustling and giggling. Ten minutes later they reappear, flushed and breathless, hair disordered, and looking pleased with themselves.

The Archangel Gabriel consults his watch and says, "er. You still have twenty minutes, you know".

The statues look at each other. The female statue says "we could do it the other way 'round this time."

The male statue looks thoughtful and says "Right. This time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it."
posted by scrump at 11:03 AM on December 8, 2014 [17 favorites]

Wanna hear a long joke?

Joooooooooooooooke.
posted by ferret branca at 11:07 AM on December 8, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best told with a terrible Scottish accent.

This is my farm. Inherited it from my father. He could barely make a go of it, but I studied agriculture and I came home and I made this into the best farm in the county. My cows give the best milk and my chickens lay the best eggs and my wheat makes the best bread. But do they call me "MacGregor the Farmer"? Nooooo.

And this barn we're walking by now? Well, I rebuilt that barn when it burnt down last winter. I redesigned it, and I rigged up a pulley to put the walls up myself. I carved tegh timber from the trees on my land and I painted it and I crafted that fine weathervane at the top there. Pretty as can be, this barn. But do they call me "MacGregor the Carpenter"? Nooooo.

And you see this bridge we're walking on here? This is the finest bridge in the county. I built this bridge myself! Dragged the stones out of my field, stacked them up all by my lonesome, paved it over nice and smooth, made it a nice pretty arch too! But do they call me "MacGregor the Bridge Builder"? Nooooo.

But you fuck ONE sheep...!

posted by maryr at 11:22 AM on December 8, 2014 [2 favorites]

namlit:

Oh à propos,
- there was this high-ranking foreign visitor who was allowed to share the coach with the English Queen. While they're underway, a horses makes a noise.

The Queen is mortified and excuses herself multiple times.
Visitor: "No worries your Majesty, no worries at all!
In fact I thought it was one of the horses."

Patrick O'Brian included a variation on this joke in the Aubrey/Maturin series (Post Captain):

The lane ran straight up hill, rising higher and higher, with God knows what breakneck descent on the other side. The horse slowed to a walk - the bean-fed horse, as it proved by a thunderous, long, long fart.

‘I beg your pardon,’ said the midshipman in silence.

‘Oh, that’s all right,’ said Diana coldly. ‘I thought it was the horse.’

posted by scrump at 11:31 AM on December 8, 2014

How many Mefites does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Stop trying to fix it. Lightbulbs never change, just DTMFA and move on.
posted by humanfont at 1:47 PM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

So the Famous Paranormal Expert is presenting at a seminar, and it's sold out. Standing room only, thousands of people crammed into this hotel ballroom, clear back to the doors. Everyone falls silent when the Famous Expert approaches the podium.

"I'd just like to begin," says the Expert, "with a little survey. Please raise your hand if you believe in ghosts."

Raised hands from 90, maybe 95% of the audience. (This is a paranormal seminar, after all.)

"Excellent," says the Expert. "Now, keep them raised only if you have ever seen a ghost."

About half the hands drop.

"Good, good. Now, keep them raised if you've talked with a ghost."

(Not many hands up now.)

"...if you've ever touched a ghost."

Four hands still raised.

"Better than average!" says the expert. He smiles slyly. "Now I don't suppose you four have ever made love to any ghosts?"

All the hands drop - no, wait: there's still one hand raised high, way the hell in the back of the room.

The expert is astounded. "That's...that was just a little joke I trot out every time I make this speech. Frankly, I never expected - my god! If you could come up to the front here, please, I'd love to talk with you."

The crowd parts, and a wee, bandy-legged Scotsman makes his way to the podium.

"Thank you very much, sir. Now, if you could please tell me and the audience here: what is it like to have sex with a ghost?"

"Ghoost?" cries the Scotsman. "Laddy, I could have sworn you said goots."
posted by Iridic at 2:25 PM on December 8, 2014 [2 favorites]

mining

wait...
posted by Namlit at 2:40 PM on December 8, 2014 [2 favorites]

ideally deployed at the end of a string of "interrupting [thing]" knock-knock jokes-- interrupting cow ("MOO!"), pirate ("ARR!"), starfish (gently place hand on joke victim's face), etc.

I've always liked to follow the starfish version with "interrupting sloth", which involves reaching veeerrrrry sloooooowly up toward their face with two curled fingers semi-extended to look like sloth claws.
posted by vytae at 4:18 PM on December 8, 2014 [7 favorites]

Also "interrupting turtle", in which you just open your eyes wide and jab your head forward.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:19 PM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Is this like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
posted by zeptoweasel at 11:09 PM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

A couple of my go-tos have been told already. A couple more:

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
[Answer: Arrrrr.]
No, a P. Because it be like an R, but it be missin' a leg!

(Learned that one from an Ask thread awhile back.)

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
posted by gadge emeritus at 1:46 AM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]

A dog walks into a Western Union office and asks the clerk to send a telegram for him.
The clerk says to the dog, "Ok for 5 dollars you get 40 letters. What would you like to send?"
The dog says "I'd like the following: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof"
The clerk then tells the dog, "That's only 36 letters, would you like me to add another woof?"
The dog replies, "that would make no sense."
posted by cmfletcher at 7:13 AM on December 9, 2014 [19 favorites]

In the 1870s an American woman travels to Berlin and learns that Bismarck will be giving a speech. Her German is nonexistent, so she hires an interpreter.

Bismarck talks for about 10 minutes, but the interpreter is silent. " What's he saying?" "I'll let you know soon"

Bismarck orates for another 20 minutes and the interpreter still doesn't translate. " I want to understand what he's saying" "Not yet"

Bismarck goes on a while longer and the woman screams: "I paid you good money for this!Just what is he saying?"

The interpreter: "I am very sorry, Mein Frau, but I am still waiting for the verb."
posted by brujita at 10:18 AM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]

German inside joke: interpreter who says "Mein Frau" when it really is "meine Frau" is a charlatan.
posted by Namlit at 11:57 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

As per Heidi, it really should be gnädige Frau....I've made several trips to German speaking countries, but I studied Spanish at school.
posted by brujita at 2:07 PM on December 9, 2014

As per Heidi, a lot of stuff becomes a joke.
posted by Namlit at 2:14 PM on December 9, 2014

Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
posted by scrump at 2:22 PM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]

Q: How many straight-edge kids does it take to drink a six pack?
A: One, if no one's around.
posted by cthuljew at 8:51 PM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]

One more I remembered.

Q: How many members of an ethnic minority does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to act in a manner stereotypical of that minority.
posted by cthuljew at 9:06 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]

The one I told when I was asked to 'tell a joke' during a large group interview thing for a business fraternity in college was:

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: 'Why are you shaking, she's gonna eat me!'
posted by mrhaydel at 11:45 AM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]

Here's a math joke:

Noah was puzzled why one particular pair of snakes had not procreated since the flood waters receded and they had been let off the boat along with all the other animals. He checked to make sure they were of the opposite sex and provided them with a private place to do whatever they needed to do, but no luck.

He confided in his son about his dismay, and the son told him not to worry because he could fix it. Noah then saw him march into the woods with an ax and come back with a felled tree that he then cut into pieces and made into a table. Immediately the two snakes climbed on to the table and began to copulate vigorously.

Noah was stunned. Son, how did you know that would work.

The son said, "Everyone knows that adders can only multiply on a log table."

Yes, I went there.
posted by Mental Wimp at 7:33 PM on December 10, 2014 [8 favorites]

Q. What do you get if you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
A. YOU CAN'T CROSS A SCALER WITH A VECTOR
posted by en forme de poire at 8:23 PM on December 10, 2014 [7 favorites]

How many Mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

pb
posted by Kabanos at 2:24 PM on December 11, 2014 [6 favorites]

An old farmer and his wife wanted a better life for their only child so they sent him to the finest boarding school in the state so he could get a proper education. The son comes back home after a year at the end of the term to help out over the summer. At dinner the father is eager to see what his son has learned. "Son share some of that fancy school learning with me and your ma." The son pauses for a while trying to sift through his brain for some knowledge to share. Finally he says, "PI R Square." His pa looks at him with disapointment. "Son that's stupid. Everyone knows Pie are round. Cornbread are square."
posted by humanfont at 4:47 PM on December 11, 2014

Q: How many straight-edge kids does it take to drink a six pack?
A: One, if no one's around.

Cthuljew, I have always heard that joke told with Mormons.

Also, as told to me by my FiL, staunch Mormon that he is:

Why do you take two Mormons fishing?
Because if you just take one, he drinks all the beer.

FiL can get onto a 15 minute riff of bad (and worse) Mormon jokes (until MiL come into the room.)
posted by BlueHorse at 6:49 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
posted by txtwinkletoes at 7:03 PM on December 11, 2014 [3 favorites]

I waited so long that a variation of my opener is upthread: Where do generals keep their armies?

Here's one for someone you know who speaks German. Hold it in reserve until they've forgotten you know they know German and the conversation turns to the subject of psychology, psychoanalysis, or something related (So, yeah, this is agreat joke for grad students in humanities programs with a language requirement.)

Q: What comes between fear and sex?

A: Fünf!

posted by mistersquid at 12:43 AM on December 12, 2014 [12 favorites]

I was the day after Christmas. A boy was riding his brand new bike in the park when a mounted policeman stopped him.

Policeman: That's a nice bike you have there kid. Did you get that from Santa?
Boy: Yes, officer.
Policeman: Well, next time tell him to put a light on it! (Hands the boy a $100 ticket.)
Boy (pointing at the policeman's chestnut mare): That's a nice horse you have there, officer. Did you get that from Santa?
Policeman: Yeah, sure kid.
Boy: Well, next time tell him to put the dick underneath the horse!
posted by double block and bleed at 5:08 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Difference between a bull and an orchestra?

Well, the bull has the horns in front and the asshole way behind...
posted by Namlit at 12:39 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

What the difference between a computer and your lover? On a computer stick software in the hardware.
posted by humanfont at 4:31 AM on December 16, 2014

en forme de poire, Mental Wimp: What's up?





(North cross west.)
posted by maryr at 12:11 PM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

GNIMIT
posted by Namlit at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2014

Timing.
posted by gwint at 9:17 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

T...
posted by en forme de poire at 11:26 PM on January 2, 2015

iming
posted by en forme de poire at 11:27 PM on January 2, 2015

Timming
posted by not_on_display at 11:41 PM on January 2, 2015

Wait, what was important?
posted by maryr at 2:09 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Location, location, location.
posted by fings at 3:05 PM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

How do you keep future readers of this thread in suspense? I will reveal the answer in my next comment.
posted by not_on_display at 5:21 PM on January 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

not_on_display may never come back to follow up. The way to keep future readers reading this thread can be found here.
posted by phunniemee at 5:28 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

TIMING
posted by not_on_display at 6:10 PM on January 3, 2015

Uh oh. Someone unplugged not_on_display. Does anyone remember how to reset him? Do we still have the manual somewhere? *rummages about*
posted by maryr at 6:28 PM on January 3, 2015

  __  .__        .__                
_/  |_|__| _____ |__| ____    ____  
\   __\  |/     \|  |/    \  / ___\ 
 |  | |  |  Y Y  \  |   |  \/ /_/  >
 |__| |__|__|_|  /__|___|  /\___  / 
               \/        \//_____/  

posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:46 PM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

    ___    
  _(___)_  
 ()'   `() 
 .' o o `. 
 :  _O_  : 
 `. \_/ .'  WAKKA WAKKA
  .`---'.  
.' ()o() `.
:   ( \   :

posted by not_on_display at 12:15 PM on January 4, 2015 [4 favorites]