Thar she blows!
January 23, 2015 8:36 AM   Subscribe

The whale approached them, stopped, pointed straight downward, and then, in the words of underwater photographer Keri Will, “the storm began.” Keri and his fellow divers were caught in the thick of a massive whale poop. As he described to CBC Radio, "If you held your hand in front of your face you wouldn't be able to see your hand any more because the water was so thick with the faecal matter." posted by Kabanos (56 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
First I read about Sally Kern's proposed anti-LGBT "emergency" laws in Oklahoma, then this.

It's like a game of Would You Rather.
posted by Foosnark at 8:41 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


I am sure if Russell Crowe could work out a feasible way to do this with paparazzi, he would do something similar.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:46 AM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


that is just so much poop. so much
posted by poffin boffin at 8:50 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Argh! As someone who spends my life trying to find animal poop (small) in the midst of a complicated and challenging environment to find small brown things in (a rainforest), and am only occasionally pooped upon (from above - usually the poop is pretty small, but with a lot of seeds, so painful), I am experiencing a mix of emotions including envy, admiration, disgust and relief that monkeys don't emit poopnados.
posted by ChuraChura at 8:50 AM on January 23, 2015 [30 favorites]


I have such a fear that this is viral advertising for a new ScyFy film.
posted by maxsparber at 8:51 AM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


I mean I thought being inked by a furious baby octopus was bad.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:52 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


SPERM
WHALE
SHIT
STORM

(something for everyone)
posted by chavenet at 8:52 AM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


From the 500px link: As long as you didn’t take your mask off, you couldn’t really smell anything (taste is another matter…)

TMI dude, TMI.
posted by exhilaration at 8:59 AM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


SPERM
WHALE
SHIT
STORM


...Burma... shave?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:01 AM on January 23, 2015 [22 favorites]


(also now I will have The Diarrhea Song in my head all day)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:03 AM on January 23, 2015


Well, shit.
posted by Gelatin at 9:04 AM on January 23, 2015


Call me Blecch!-mael.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:04 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


The taste part would be the worst, I imagine, because when I was the facility manager of the American Visionary Art Museum, I used to volunteer to clean up where the bums and drunk-ass rich boatie imbeciles would shit behind our bike rack because I felt wrong asking the lowest paid members of my staff to do the grossest job. I've got a weak stomach, so it was always a gaggy thing, until I got this great idea—

I'll use the pressure washer to break it up and wash it down the drain!

What can I say? I'm just a genius, even if I do say so myself, and it was working magnificently, and I was surrounded by rainbows in resultant mist in the bright summer sunshine, and it would have been perfect if I hadn't slowly come to the weird conclusion that I could swear I was tasting ham.

"HAAAAAAAAAAM!" I screamed like a man on fire, charging past the front desk and crying and wiping vomit off my sleeve as I ran for the janitor's closet. I stripped naked, jumped into the slop sink, grabbed the stiff hose used to fill mop buckets, and gave myself the least glamorous Silkwood shower ever, rubbing a bar of gritty Lava soap across my tongue and gagging as I literally foamed at the mouth.

Henceforth, the shovel sufficed, and I made the task a chore rotated through the ranks, pay grade notwithstanding.
posted by sonascope at 9:10 AM on January 23, 2015 [66 favorites]


Worst.superpower.EVER.
posted by yoink at 9:15 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Don't you mean "shittiest super power ever"?
posted by I-baLL at 9:17 AM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


SPERM
WHALE
SHIT
STORM


*clap clap clap-clap-clap*

I sent this to a friend who wants to do cetacean biology and conservation. Her response: "hahahaha, whale poop is the BEST."
People are weird.
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:18 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


When my son and I read Everyone Poops and we come to the part where the question is posed, "What does whale poop look like?" we've always just answered, "I don't know."

Cannot say that anymore...
posted by AaronTheBaron at 9:18 AM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Call me ish-whale
posted by Ned G at 9:21 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I watched, fascinated, as a sealion heaved itself off a pontoon on Pier 39 and kersplashed into the clear water of the Bay. It looked at me, I looked at it, and then it let rip. The water around it turned a rich, chocolately brown, and bubbles brought little chunklets bobbing to the surface.

A wonder of nature. Then the smell gently slapped me upside the sinuses as it rose to heaven and the nostrils of the Lord.

Words, there are not.

I cannot imagine what the immediate environment of that whale would be like. Or rather, my mind rebels like a tiger being pushed towards a cage by a broom, rather than extrapolate.
posted by Devonian at 9:23 AM on January 23, 2015 [22 favorites]


Wait, I'd like to go back and change my answer. THIS is what should be done with Dick Cheney.
posted by Naberius at 9:25 AM on January 23, 2015 [16 favorites]


The [more inside] tag was strategically placed.
posted by sfts2 at 9:26 AM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


This photo is hands down my favorite in the whole set. The whale just looks so satisfied.
posted by sciatrix at 9:38 AM on January 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


This kills the diver.
posted by Splunge at 9:40 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


An elementary school rhyme climbs out of my deep memory:

Birdie birdie
In the sky
Dropped a turdy
In my eye.

I'm a big boy
I don't cry
But I'm sure glad
That cows whales don't fly.
posted by benito.strauss at 9:42 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


#awmanwhocloggedtheocean
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:42 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm not clear why the whale just decided to swim up and bombard the divers. The article hints it might have been an act of annoyance; but if that's true, why doesn't it happen more often? I've seen lots of other underwater photos of sperm whales that aren't acting that way. Maybe this was just a grumpy individual? Or the divers were "in his/her spot"?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:49 AM on January 23, 2015


why doesn't it happen more often? I've seen lots of other underwater photos of sperm whales that aren't acting that way.

"Guys. Huddle up. You're never gonna believe what I just figured out."
posted by Beardman at 9:53 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


So it turns out there was something about whale biology that Melville left out of Moby Dick.
posted by dnash at 9:55 AM on January 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


I typed in meta. I pressed enter on the autoexpand.

I clicked the whale poop. Seldom is asked the question. Was it wrong to click? Yes it was.
posted by thoughtslut at 10:11 AM on January 23, 2015


So it turns out there was something about whale biology that Melville left out of Moby Dick.

"Look Cap'n, the White Whale!...wait...sorry, scratch 'White'..."
posted by yoink at 10:24 AM on January 23, 2015


sonascope: I'll use the pressure washer to break it up and wash it down the drain!

There has been a port-a-potty next to my building for a couple of years, because of the ongoing construction. One afternoon I saw a guy pulling a hose toward it on a Friday afternoon. He wore a reflective orange vest and some kind of hat, but no protective gear, so I kept on walking down the alley.

I heard a prolonged roar and a cloud of noxious chemical+biological stink rolled over me; I turned to see that he was a few paces back from the port-a-potty's open door, firing a pressure washer of bleach into it -- and a column of vaporized feces/bleach filled the alley almost to the third story windows.

Reader, I gagged. And he didn't even flinch, the poor bastard.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:26 AM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I love me some whales but there is no way I'm clicking on any of those links. The written descriptions were quite enough thankyouverymuch.
posted by tommasz at 10:42 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


One of these days I need to expand my German beyond the "Where is the hospital" tourist level so I can coin long complex words for things like "The desperate need to scream and take a shower, but you are deep underwater, so it is both inadvisable and pointless".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:49 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


So it turns out there was something about whale biology that Melville left out of Moby Dick.

From Hell's heart, I fart in your general direction!
posted by ocschwar at 11:01 AM on January 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Fecal cloud. That's a new one.
posted by Chuffy at 11:02 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well ladies and gentlemen, this has all been very fascinating but I really must get going now.
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:04 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I really must get going now

Alright, but do us a favor and keep on diving while you do so.
posted by yoink at 11:10 AM on January 23, 2015


"Fecal cloud. That's a new one." I won't be able to watch/read another commercial extolling the benefits of storing data "in the cloud" without thinking of this.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 11:19 AM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Well there's a new euphemism: "I'm just off to upload my digested data to the cloud."
posted by yoink at 11:22 AM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


First I read about Sally Kern's proposed anti-LGBT "emergency" laws in Oklahoma, then this.

I once had to share an elevator with Sally Kern. I'd take the whale poop in a heartbeat.
posted by Dr. Zira at 11:26 AM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Scientifically, I suppose the reason the whale would bother to quantize its poop (all at once) is that it was once a land animal (as evinced by the up down motion of its tail fin). My aquarium fish would have a continuous streamer. I guess they scraped it off on the rocks or it just broke off.

No apologies. Since this is a poop thread.
posted by thoughtslut at 11:34 AM on January 23, 2015


OK, Sperm whales are endangered, but there are at least several thousand in the world's oceans right now. Plus all the other whales. Plus other large mammals, fish, etc. So that means, every day, thousands and thousands of poop storms are being shat into the oceans all around us.

Basically, what I'm saying is, this post has made me realize that when I go to the beach I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of whale, other large mammal, and fish shit. Because nobody cleans up these giant poop clouds, they just...dissipate....
posted by LooseFilter at 11:53 AM on January 23, 2015


“...wasn’t that horrible?!”
“Not at all!”

I don't think he got the hint.
posted by sudon't at 12:03 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh I'm gonna just hang out in this cloud of poop I can taste and take pictures. Whaaaat?
posted by FunkyHelix at 12:13 PM on January 23, 2015


Basically, what I'm saying is, this post has made me realize that when I go to the beach I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of whale, other large mammal, and fish shit. Because nobody cleans up these giant poop clouds, they just...dissipate....

Don't forget the sperm from all the broadcast spawners.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:20 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


UNLEASH THE KRAPEN!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 12:32 PM on January 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


I won't be able to watch/read another commercial extolling the benefits of storing data "in the cloud" without thinking of this.

Related, because this is a poop thread and I am twelve years old.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:40 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Poopnado. HA
posted by Ella Fynoe at 1:23 PM on January 23, 2015


>This photo is hands down my favorite in the whole set. The whale just looks so satisfied.

Puts a whole new spin on "Later, shitlords!"
posted by Maecenas at 2:10 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Basically, what I'm saying is, this post has made me realize that when I go to the beach I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of whale, other large mammal, and fish shit. Because nobody cleans up these giant poop clouds, they just...dissipate....

You're probably also inhaling a million farts at this very second. There's a prize if you can guess which one is mine.
posted by maxsparber at 3:03 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


"... I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of ... shit. Because nobody cleans up these giant poop clouds" Meanwhile there are thousands of microorganisms waiting for the enormous human to get out of the way so that they can start eating.

"Excuse me, you're blocking the buffet."
posted by King Sky Prawn at 3:37 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Basically, what I'm saying is, this post has made me realize that when I go to the beach I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of whale, other large mammal, and fish shit. Because nobody cleans up these giant poop clouds, they just...dissipate....

Well, the ocean is big. It's not as big as space, but it's still "vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big." So when you're not in close proximity to a shit-tornado, the whale poop should be diluted to homeopathic levels, right?
posted by I've a Horse Outside at 4:34 PM on January 23, 2015


This has been added as a favourite for when folks don't understand my refusal to eat filter feeders like oysters - us land animals send ours "downstream" to where the filter feeders hang out....I think this gets the point across most viscerally.

In fact, I do believe it can be quite useful in a wide array of circumstances.
posted by mightshould at 4:56 PM on January 23, 2015


I have such a fear that this is viral advertising for a new ScyFy film.

Poonado.
posted by homunculus at 6:38 PM on January 23, 2015


The most literal depiction of 'you give me the shits' that I've seen. Onya, whale!
posted by h00py at 7:55 AM on January 24, 2015


"when I go to the beach I'm just swimming in very diluted clouds of whale, other large mammal, and fish shit."

I have a sign next to my sink that says, "Don't drink water, fish poop in it."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:48 PM on January 24, 2015


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