Catherine the Great's Erotic Cabinet
January 23, 2015 8:32 PM Subscribe
Catherine the Great had a room decorated with penises and vaginas. The furniture has vanished, but some pictures (NSFW) remain
Catherine, you naughty minx.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:51 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:51 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am in favor of this. Most humans (including me) are a little frightened by their junk, and that is a bad thing.
posted by poe at 8:55 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by poe at 8:55 PM on January 23, 2015
Or frightened of some other peoples junk.....
good lord, that table!!
posted by drhydro at 9:05 PM on January 23, 2015
good lord, that table!!
posted by drhydro at 9:05 PM on January 23, 2015
That table is amazing.
posted by fshgrl at 9:07 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 9:07 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
So what would the IKEA names be for these?
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:11 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:11 PM on January 23, 2015
Pretty sure the table would be BRESTABOLLEN. Because, well, breast balls.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:15 PM on January 23, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:15 PM on January 23, 2015 [16 favorites]
Ugh. I hate buying erotic coffee tables from Ikea. You spend like an hour and a half trying to put it together, then you realize they left out one of the gigantic phalluses and you have to drive all the way back.
I mean, yeah, you can masturbate to the pictoral instructions, but where does that leave you?
posted by PlusDistance at 9:17 PM on January 23, 2015 [26 favorites]
I mean, yeah, you can masturbate to the pictoral instructions, but where does that leave you?
posted by PlusDistance at 9:17 PM on January 23, 2015 [26 favorites]
Yeah, I like how the balls are also boobs. I wish I had come up with BRESTABOLLEN.
posted by Ruki at 9:19 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 9:19 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oo er missus!
posted by schoolgirl report at 9:20 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by schoolgirl report at 9:20 PM on January 23, 2015
Yeah, I like how the balls are also boobs.
And they are spouting like whales.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:24 PM on January 23, 2015
That table! I just noticed there are... um... prolific foamy jets emerging from the tips of the leg supports. It's... wow.
posted by mochapickle at 10:31 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by mochapickle at 10:31 PM on January 23, 2015
She's a superfreak. Super freak.
She's super freaky.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:38 PM on January 23, 2015 [16 favorites]
She's super freaky.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:38 PM on January 23, 2015 [16 favorites]
I liked the chairs. The arms of the one chair have cool details. And the I think that the devil-looking character is detail from the base of the side chair. I would kill to see my mother-in-law's face if I had even one of the chairs.
posted by dfm500 at 10:42 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by dfm500 at 10:42 PM on January 23, 2015
Have the 14-year-olds on Reddit posted this to /r/wtf yet? Because they will.
"omg we didn't discover sex!"
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:07 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
"omg we didn't discover sex!"
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:07 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think "amazeballs" is the appropriate response here.
posted by the_blizz at 12:11 AM on January 24, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by the_blizz at 12:11 AM on January 24, 2015 [16 favorites]
From the Wikipedia article on the room:
A documentary by Peter Woditsch suggests that the cabinet was in the Peterhof Palace and not in Gatchina.
...
snork
posted by the_blizz at 12:18 AM on January 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
A documentary by Peter Woditsch suggests that the cabinet was in the Peterhof Palace and not in Gatchina.
...
snork
posted by the_blizz at 12:18 AM on January 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
Gods below, Catherine was a badass. Ending the photo series with the smirking portrait was a nice touch.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:52 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:52 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oj ojoj. This is a mixture between Best Of Salvator Dalí, Heinrich Vogeler and Sweeney Todd's basement.
BRESTABOLLEN
Hmmm. Not quite sure. "Tuttepung" perhaps. "Kukis" would be also okay for that table, or more Swedish-understated "Korvkiosken". "Res-pit" or "Höjdaren" for the chair. And what that little devil's head does, is best described as "Fan i min lilla honungsburk" (that line actually figured in an opera I once played in, it's not mine but a translator's, wonder what the Italian original was...).
And so I figure that IKEA is ripe for a restricted section? Way to go.
posted by Namlit at 2:55 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
BRESTABOLLEN
Hmmm. Not quite sure. "Tuttepung" perhaps. "Kukis" would be also okay for that table, or more Swedish-understated "Korvkiosken". "Res-pit" or "Höjdaren" for the chair. And what that little devil's head does, is best described as "Fan i min lilla honungsburk" (that line actually figured in an opera I once played in, it's not mine but a translator's, wonder what the Italian original was...).
And so I figure that IKEA is ripe for a restricted section? Way to go.
posted by Namlit at 2:55 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
The thing that annoys me most is that I bet I could have lived with that table in my house for twenty years and never realised it was a massive dick table.
posted by taff at 3:20 AM on January 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by taff at 3:20 AM on January 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
I want that fucking table
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:09 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:09 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'd love to see somebody turn up with it on Antiques Roadshow.
posted by Flashman at 4:14 AM on January 24, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by Flashman at 4:14 AM on January 24, 2015 [20 favorites]
Something something Catherine Wheel...
posted by mfu at 4:39 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mfu at 4:39 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
That "Satan eating pussy" detail is a nice touch.
posted by idiopath at 5:01 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by idiopath at 5:01 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
I was at Catherine's palace at Peterhof. Our guide said it was used for receiving foreign visitors when getting to Petersburg was impractical or not desired. There's a room for reception, your typical Russian giant chamber where all lines converge on an imposing throne.
But behind that room is a space that was pretty clearly Catherine's Seduction Chamber. It's all hanging soft fabrics, paintings of plump Chinese peasants cavorting, and best of all, the only place to sit are couches with very deep seats, so it's impossible to sit on them while keeping your feet on the ground. Lighting is low candelabras. The effect must have been potent.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 5:32 AM on January 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
But behind that room is a space that was pretty clearly Catherine's Seduction Chamber. It's all hanging soft fabrics, paintings of plump Chinese peasants cavorting, and best of all, the only place to sit are couches with very deep seats, so it's impossible to sit on them while keeping your feet on the ground. Lighting is low candelabras. The effect must have been potent.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 5:32 AM on January 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Have the 14-year-olds on Reddit posted this to /r/wtf yet? Because they will.
I come to metafilter for the refreshing absence of horse remarks.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:48 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
I come to metafilter for the refreshing absence of horse remarks.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:48 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Non-stop erotic cabinet, Mind you, this won't be the last time someone went to a palace, opened a door and found the room filled with pricks and cu... what? What?
Spare a thought for the cleaning staff. Someone had to polish those.
And spare a thought too for those who now have similar levels of power, wealth and privilege, because they too will be creating stuff like this (although, I bet, not with the same level of craftsmanship and taste). There will be rooms like this dotted around the planet, because humans.
Someone has to hunt them out. Someone has to find the clues, get the right artisans drunk, hang out in the right workshops. Dammit, there's a Discovery Channel series in this.
posted by Devonian at 6:02 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Spare a thought for the cleaning staff. Someone had to polish those.
And spare a thought too for those who now have similar levels of power, wealth and privilege, because they too will be creating stuff like this (although, I bet, not with the same level of craftsmanship and taste). There will be rooms like this dotted around the planet, because humans.
Someone has to hunt them out. Someone has to find the clues, get the right artisans drunk, hang out in the right workshops. Dammit, there's a Discovery Channel series in this.
posted by Devonian at 6:02 AM on January 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
The smirk in the portrait is great, but her hand is also posed suggestively.
posted by almostmanda at 6:07 AM on January 24, 2015
posted by almostmanda at 6:07 AM on January 24, 2015
There will be rooms like this dotted around the planet, because humans.
There must be a closet industry of raunchy wood sculpture production, because I've been on a few house tours now where there were sculptures along the lines as the chair in this FPP. The quality of the work I've seen is a lot lower, of course, but the motivation is clearly the same.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:25 AM on January 24, 2015
There must be a closet industry of raunchy wood sculpture production, because I've been on a few house tours now where there were sculptures along the lines as the chair in this FPP. The quality of the work I've seen is a lot lower, of course, but the motivation is clearly the same.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:25 AM on January 24, 2015
Someone had to polish those.
That's what she said!
posted by CrazyLemonade at 6:54 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
That's what she said!
posted by CrazyLemonade at 6:54 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Who's her dickorator?
posted by anothermug at 7:22 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by anothermug at 7:22 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
What were the circumstances of the destruction of these items? Just Stalin being a dick as usual?
posted by acb at 7:35 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by acb at 7:35 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think "stolen" is more likely than "looted". They're probably collecting dust in some oligarch's dacha.
posted by Nelson at 8:14 AM on January 24, 2015
posted by Nelson at 8:14 AM on January 24, 2015
> her hand is also posed suggestively
Shockingly, even. An electrifying portrait if I've ever seen one. I wonder if anyone fingered that out back then and got the poke--uh, I mean joke?
posted by ostranenie at 8:54 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Shockingly, even. An electrifying portrait if I've ever seen one. I wonder if anyone fingered that out back then and got the poke--uh, I mean joke?
posted by ostranenie at 8:54 AM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
So what would the IKEA names be for these?
PHÅLLUS
posted by sour cream at 9:29 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
PHÅLLUS
posted by sour cream at 9:29 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
What were the circumstances of the destruction of these items? Just Stalin being a dick as usual?
I doubt Stalin is to blame for that particular destruction, unlike maybe the Romanov erotic art collection mentioned in the blog. The USSR under Stalin was prude to the extreme, but they (at least the intelligentsia who was in charge of museum administration) also valued art. The room or the furniture were certainly not shown to the public but I can't imagine their outright destruction. The explanation for the disappearance is most probably the destruction from WW2: during the Siege of Leningrad, the imperial palaces were pretty much on the front line, and what remains of them today is largely post-war reconstruction: see Google image results for Peterhof and Tsarskoye Selo in 1945. Soviet and German bombardments destroyed the interiors. Maybe some was looted - by Germans rather than Soviets I guess, the Germans being the invading party.
In any case, these pictures ask more questions than they answer. The text mentions they were taken by Soviet soldiers: is that sure? How did they come to us? Would not there be other archival records from the 20s or 30s? The wiki article linked mentions both Russian and German eye-witnesses, but does not shed much more light.
posted by susuman at 9:39 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I doubt Stalin is to blame for that particular destruction, unlike maybe the Romanov erotic art collection mentioned in the blog. The USSR under Stalin was prude to the extreme, but they (at least the intelligentsia who was in charge of museum administration) also valued art. The room or the furniture were certainly not shown to the public but I can't imagine their outright destruction. The explanation for the disappearance is most probably the destruction from WW2: during the Siege of Leningrad, the imperial palaces were pretty much on the front line, and what remains of them today is largely post-war reconstruction: see Google image results for Peterhof and Tsarskoye Selo in 1945. Soviet and German bombardments destroyed the interiors. Maybe some was looted - by Germans rather than Soviets I guess, the Germans being the invading party.
In any case, these pictures ask more questions than they answer. The text mentions they were taken by Soviet soldiers: is that sure? How did they come to us? Would not there be other archival records from the 20s or 30s? The wiki article linked mentions both Russian and German eye-witnesses, but does not shed much more light.
posted by susuman at 9:39 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I like how the balls are also boobs
see also: dicknipples
WARNING: googling images for that will be seriously bad for your brain. I am not joking.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:56 AM on January 24, 2015
see also: dicknipples
WARNING: googling images for that will be seriously bad for your brain. I am not joking.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:56 AM on January 24, 2015
I like how she's holding her hand in the portrait in a sort of proto-shocker.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on January 24, 2015
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on January 24, 2015
Years ago I remember reading an article with many of these same pictures claiming that all of this furniture belonged the Hermann Goering. Btw - probably don't google "Hermann Goering erotica."
posted by lagomorphius at 11:41 AM on January 24, 2015
posted by lagomorphius at 11:41 AM on January 24, 2015
Are LEGO kits available yet?
posted by localroger at 12:14 PM on January 24, 2015
posted by localroger at 12:14 PM on January 24, 2015
This is all pretty dubious, if you ask me. Note that the linked Wikipedia article is "Legends of Catherine the Great" (emphasis added), and a Wikipedia article is pretty shaky backup in the first place. I've never heard of this, and I've read a great deal about Russian history and WWII. Not saying it's invented, but I'd want to see some actual documentation other than a blurry black-and-white photograph that could be from anywhere.
posted by languagehat at 12:21 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 12:21 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why are you trying to ruin the dick table, did the tangerine market crash again?
posted by poffin boffin at 12:51 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:51 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I come to metafilter for the refreshing absence of horse remarks
Neigh!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:10 PM on January 24, 2015
Neigh!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:10 PM on January 24, 2015
At the other end of the spectrum, a buddy claims to have visited a home in Malibu that had a sex chamber with a James Turrell cut-away ceiling.
posted by ducky l'orange at 1:19 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ducky l'orange at 1:19 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
> Why are you trying to ruin the dick table, did the tangerine market crash again?
Yes! Fucking tangerines are ruining me for tsarist dick pics.
posted by languagehat at 1:22 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes! Fucking tangerines are ruining me for tsarist dick pics.
posted by languagehat at 1:22 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
sex chamber with a James Turrell cut-away ceiling.
I want to go to there
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:45 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I want to go to there
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:45 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would love to see the furniture depicted in the photos recreated like the Amber Room at the Winter Palace and included on tours with unsuspecting tourists.
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 1:49 PM on January 24, 2015
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 1:49 PM on January 24, 2015
Dangit. I messed up the link to the Amber Room. I also misattributed the Amber Room's location. It is in the Catherine Palace rather than the Winter Palace.
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 2:00 PM on January 24, 2015
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 2:00 PM on January 24, 2015
Metafilter: That "Satan eating pussy" detail is a nice touch.
posted by Gin and Broadband at 2:48 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Gin and Broadband at 2:48 PM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would rather my home decor not make me feel sexually inadequate.
posted by echocollate at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by echocollate at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can you imagine if one of these lost pieces was sitting in a basement or attic somewhere awaiting discovery by someone's unsuspecting great auntie? It could be the most epic episode of Antiques Roadshow ever.
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:22 PM on January 24, 2015
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:22 PM on January 24, 2015
Man, I want a chair with Satyrs eating pussy as arm rests. I'm a fucking bartender, no one would question why I needed something like that.
Best. Chair. Evar.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 12:38 AM on January 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best. Chair. Evar.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 12:38 AM on January 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
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