What’s Going on With Hellmann’s Mayonnaise?
February 3, 2015 8:08 AM   Subscribe

 
OMG NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOO this is national tragedy
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Duke's 4 evah!
posted by TedW at 8:13 AM on February 3, 2015 [24 favorites]


Can confirm Duke's is still the same. If they don't have it where you are, here's where you order.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Or just make your own in 2 minutes or less with a hand blender.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [43 favorites]


I don't eat a lot of mayo, but when I make something that requires it, it's Hellman's/Best Food's - everything else tastes terrible to me (except homemade, but I am lazy). I do not approve of this.
posted by rtha at 8:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Came to spread the Good News of Duke's but I see I've been beaten to the punch. It's the only mayonnaise for pimiento cheese. I used Hellman's once because we were out Duke's and the result was significantly inferior.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:16 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Mayonnaise is gross and disgusting, and you're all insane.

Though the article was fascinating, despite my revulsion.
posted by SansPoint at 8:17 AM on February 3, 2015 [45 favorites]


Cain's is my mayonnaise of choice. I've never liked any other.
posted by xingcat at 8:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


That's what you get for eating macro mayonnaise. My friends and I make mayonnaise with free range chicken eggs and artisanal mustard while we ride unicycles in a questionably masculine way on our way to the moustache barber.

(This post sponsored by Budweiser.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:19 AM on February 3, 2015 [156 favorites]


They're totally right about "Just Mayo" not being mayo, though. I mean, it might be a totally acceptable mayo substitute, but to call it mayo, or, even more ballsy, calling it "Just Mayo", to suggest that everything else is something different, is wrong.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [10 favorites]


Cains or GTFO.
posted by davros42 at 8:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Homemade mayonnaise = consuming raw egg yolk, right?
posted by goethean at 8:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


They're totally right about "Just Mayo" not being mayo, though. I mean, it might be a totally acceptable mayo substitute, but to call it mayo, or, even more ballsy, calling it "Just Mayo", to suggest that everything else is something different, is wrong.

Well, yeah, but Hellmann's isn't exactly "real mayonnaise" either. If it were, it'd be yellow. And from Spain.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:25 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I um... kind of, sort of, prefer Miracle Whip...

I'll just be over here, hiding with my shame and my delicious sandwich
posted by wabbittwax at 8:26 AM on February 3, 2015 [33 favorites]


So I used to work in a barn. Most of the work had to do with moving poop or horse sweat from one place to another.

There was this horse called ayre who would eat your goddamn sandwich every time you turned around. She could unzip backpacks, she could unlatch her stall. No matter where you were, even out in the dang parking lot she would find your sandwich and eat it.

The only thing she didn't like was miracle whip. I had to learn to love the tangy zip that summer. No sandwich was safe without it.
posted by poe at 8:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [97 favorites]


wabbittwax: FLAGGED
posted by leotrotsky at 8:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [16 favorites]


Oh, Lord, Greg Nog, the quote in the article about eating Hellmann's with a spoon was bad enough! Your post made me downright queasy.
posted by amarynth at 8:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


wabbittwax, you are welcome to ALL THE MIRACLE WHIP. All of it, ever, in the world. Please. All yours!
posted by rtha at 8:29 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Perhaps the onion could provide you with some relief.
posted by poe at 8:30 AM on February 3, 2015


wabbittwax: FLAGGED

Note that (a) the joke does not require actually flagging and (b) when you actually flag it anyway you just annoy the mods.
posted by cortex at 8:31 AM on February 3, 2015 [61 favorites]


Unilever is the reason that Breyer's ice cream is now labeled 'frozen dairy dessert'. Unilever owns a lot of brands and cuts a lot of corners.
posted by Catblack at 8:32 AM on February 3, 2015 [31 favorites]


leotrotsky and cortex on this subject previously, for those who need an explanation.
posted by TedW at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


I um... kind of, sort of, prefer Miracle Whip...

I'll hold him down.

The rest of you, gather the stones.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


Eh, I think this article is the definition of confirmation bias.

I'm been eating this monthly for years: PARMESAN CRUSTED CHICKEN and I think I would have noticed. (I substitute in panko for the breadcrumbs, but otherwise make if according to that recipe.) 22 minutes and I am eating.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


God I wanna flag cortex's comment so bad but I hate having people say mean things to me so much.
posted by Poppa Bear at 8:34 AM on February 3, 2015 [22 favorites]


Ugh, yeah, I know it's a kneejerk response from every mayonnaise thread here, but haven't we had enough of those IPMs?
posted by mubba at 8:36 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Eh, I think this article is the definition of confirmation bias.

Ayup.
posted by yoink at 8:37 AM on February 3, 2015


so this person's body of evidence against Hellman's mayo is a bunch of internet commenters who probably also moonlight as the insane people who review pet foods online

and the crux of the article is a months old NPR article about the lawsuit over the definition of Mayo back in 2014

does anybody check the sell by date on the news over at slates editorial team? or is everything they write about already... stale.com

zing
posted by saucy_knave at 8:38 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


The headline reads like a This American Life episode that got rejected for being too openly banal
posted by clockzero at 8:38 AM on February 3, 2015 [19 favorites]


BLUE PLATE MAYO 4EVAR
posted by komara at 8:39 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Greg Nog: YES, free-range micro mayo is good, but honestly, there's nothing wrong with a big glass of Hellman's on a hot summer day.

Will you marry me?
posted by tonycpsu at 8:39 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


"I have this delicious food here. I need to ruin it. Suggestions?"

"Hrm. Mayo?"

"Mayo! Genius!"

/pours slimy white goop on food
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:40 AM on February 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


Or just make your own in 2 minutes or less with a hand blender.

OH MY GOD THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO CHANGE MY CONDIMENT LIFE MARRY ME.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:41 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


goethean: "Homemade mayonnaise = consuming raw egg yolk, right?"

Yes, but because my eggs come from my backyard and not the filth pits of inner iowa, they're not infected with salmonella.
posted by boo_radley at 8:41 AM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


Whiskey sours will use up the whites of those mayo raw egg yolks. SO nothing goes to waste.
posted by crush-onastick at 8:42 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


Cain's is my mayonnaise of choice. I've never liked any other.

Cains or GTFO.

I LOVE Cains, but don't live where it's sold, so I have family members buy it for me and bring it along when they come to visit. I have to pace out how quickly I use it and am always disappointed when it's all gone.
posted by noneuclidean at 8:43 AM on February 3, 2015


You can buy Duke's ONLINE??? Where am I going to put all these Girl Scout cookies I ordered?
posted by MOWOG at 8:46 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


wabbittwax: FLAGGED

Note that (a) the joke does not require actually flagging and (b) when you actually flag it anyway you just annoy the mods.


But then where's the authenticity, cortex? That'd be like, for example, changing the recipe on a classic American food staple.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:48 AM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


Food service mayonnaise, FTW. Nothing else is close.
posted by Grumpy old geek at 8:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


crush-onastick: "Whiskey sours will use up the whites of those mayo raw egg yolks. SO nothing goes to waste."

Gin Fizz or gtfo.

Wait, what if... mayo but two eggs???
posted by boo_radley at 8:50 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


back in 2014

Come on, the corpse isn't even cold.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:50 AM on February 3, 2015


I once told a friend that I loved mayo and she answered "no."

I said "but, uh, really, I know you hate it, but I just love it on almost everything," and she said "no."

We eventually reached detente and we are still friends but BARELY.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:50 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Mayonnaise is the devil's condiment. I won't allow it in my house.
posted by holborne at 8:52 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


A sandwich isn't a sandwich without Miracle Hwhip.
(actually this isn't true. miracle whip is nasty.)
posted by entropicamericana at 8:53 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


New!

Hellman's Hardly Strictly Mayo!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Unilever owns a lot of brands and cuts a lot of corners.

To be fair, they are trying their best, as they only have the one lever.
posted by thebordella at 8:56 AM on February 3, 2015 [140 favorites]


Everyone knows Blue Plate is the best. Louisiana does fatty tangy goodness better than anywhere.
posted by dis_integration at 8:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best Foods is Unilever too. Are they fucking with my Best Foods?
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:59 AM on February 3, 2015


Also the eggs are raw, but pasteurized and combined with a lot of vinegar, factors which combine to make salmonella a non issue in commercially produced mayonnaise.
posted by dis_integration at 8:59 AM on February 3, 2015


A few years ago, my wife bought me a bottle of Miracle Whip as a joke (she hid the jar of Duke's in the back of the fridge and this is why we are still married). This bottle remains in its spot on the door, occasionally jostled to the front or back of the shelf by new and exciting condiments. I think some visitor to our house opened it at some point, but I've never even picked it up to check. A year or so after that, my April Fool's prank was to glue hundreds of googly eyes on every (every! each individual egg! every single baby carrot!) item in the cool box. The Miracle Whip is among the last of those items remaining, so it observes me cooly (ha!!!) every time I open the refrigerator and reach past it. I have started to detect sadness and despair in those plastic eyes... and it gives me great joy.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 9:01 AM on February 3, 2015 [32 favorites]


After years toiling in the egg-feilds the Hellman's horse just met the man who raided it and recognised him! OMG! So emotional!

No dark speculation that the truck is horse is taking the horse away to the knackers yard, please.
posted by Artw at 9:02 AM on February 3, 2015


so this person's body of evidence against Hellman's mayo is a bunch of internet commenters who probably also moonlight as the insane people who review pet foods online

That was my first thought.

But I also thought some of the comments quoted from the Hellman's site were freighted with meaning that commenter didn't intend to express, but did:

If my husband can tell it's different, then everyone knows.

See, I read this as: "My husband can tell it's different. And let me tell you, he's one oblivious, lazy, straight-out-of-Flannery-O'Connor motherfucker. So if he's noticing, you guys have really messed up."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [25 favorites]


As a lifelong mayonnaise-hater, this article reads like "this stuff has changed from horky to yorky" and all the comments are like "whatever, I prefer my mayo orky."
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [19 favorites]


Yes! Flags all the way down.
posted by dr_dank at 9:06 AM on February 3, 2015


wabbitwax: I feel for ya...... and if there's room for another person in yer Corner 'o' Shame, I hope you'll let me and my Kraft Real Mayo join ya.
posted by easily confused at 9:06 AM on February 3, 2015


Food service mayonnaise, FTW. Nothing else is close.

Aw yiss, Heavy Duty Mayonnaise
posted by jason_steakums at 9:08 AM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


How can anyone eat anything but Duke's?
posted by sonic meat machine at 9:10 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yes, but because my eggs come from my backyard and not the filth pits of inner iowa, they're not infected with salmonella.

Eh, problem here is the salmonella of today isn't your grandfather's salmonella. My eggs come from a farmer that raises the chickens from baby chicks (she mail orders them), and I still wouldn't eat the eggs raw.

I do love my farm eggs though.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:11 AM on February 3, 2015


We're Beatrice.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:14 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


Okay, I just got hipped to Duke's thanks to youse. Now, can someone comment on the heaviness of Duke's? -- because I really enjoy heavy mayonnaise -- like the industrial-grade HEAVY DUTY stuff that jason_steakums pointed to. How HEAVY is Duke's?
posted by mean square error at 9:19 AM on February 3, 2015


Heavy Duty Mayonnaise

It's heavy duty in name only unless it's in a bucket.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best Foods is Unilever too. Are they fucking with my Best Foods?

I don't know for sure, but I do know that they're marketed with the same jingle and basically the same label design, so I'd guess yes.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:20 AM on February 3, 2015


Unilever owns a lot of brands and cuts a lot of corners.

You might say that Unilever's entire business model is to be the world's foremost experts on corner-cutting. It's their reason for existence.
posted by rhizome at 9:23 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


We're Beatrice.

Any Beatrice Foods ad terrified me as a child in the early 80's. I knew that it was a woman's name, yet here was someone using it in the first-person plural. I asked my mom about it and she replied "It's the name of the company."

I wasn't buying that explanation. Obviously, Dannon Yogurt was made by a woman who was so infested with demons that she thought herself a collective. The Legion of the food industry. To this day I won't voluntarily eat yogurt. I'm not ready for my body to be a hippie commune for Unholy forces.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:25 AM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


Who was it years ago who had a routine about Lillian Hellman's Mayonnaise, filled with cigarette butts and despair?
posted by gimonca at 9:29 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


the salmonella of today isn't your grandfather's salmonella.

Of course not; salmon don't live that long. And stop calling me Ella.
posted by yoink at 9:30 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


Best Foods is Unilever too. Are they fucking with my Best Foods?

It's the same mayo - branded Hellman's east of the Rockies and Best Foods in the west.

And although I admit mayo has it's place, count me in on the side that says sometimes you just crave the Whip brothers - Miracle on the sandwich and Cool on the dessert.
posted by penguinicity at 9:30 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


Also owned by Unilever: Ben & Jerry's, Popsicle, Klondike, and Marmite.
posted by ardgedee at 9:36 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I wasn't buying that explanation. Obviously, Dannon Yogurt was made by a woman who was so infested with demons that she thought herself a collective. The Legion of the food industry. To this day I won't voluntarily eat yogurt. I'm not ready for my body to be a hippie commune for Unholy forces.

For me, the real eye-opener was when I was reading the Lesser Key of Solomon and Lactobacillus Bulgaricus and Streptococcus Thermophilus were named as minor dukes of Hell.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:36 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Hellmens? Nah, this is RI. You gotta get you some Seidner's Mayonaise fa ya lobsta rolls, they gots it down atta Stawpenshawp.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:36 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


Just for completeness, let us now remember Kewpie mayonnaise , that comes in a plastic squeeze bag, which is slathered on nearly everything in Japan.
posted by Bee'sWing at 9:38 AM on February 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


Also owned by Unilever: Ben & Jerry's, Popsicle, Klondike, and Marmite.

Marvel vs. Capcom vs. Unilever
posted by oulipian at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


My guess was going to be that Unilever was sold to an even bigger corporation and the ingredients replaced with lead and plastic. But I guess that hasn't happened.

YET.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 9:43 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


My wife was a dedicated Hellman's fan when we met. I introduced her to Duke's and now she won't let anything else in the house. My wife has excellent taste in men and condiments. (Really, Duke's or nothing.)
posted by Benny Andajetz at 9:44 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's the same mayo - branded Hellman's east of the Rockies and Best Foods in the west.

Aha! That begins to explain this strange memory I have of seeing a familiar TV ad for Hellman's mayo, except the jingle sang "Bring out the Bestfoods, and bring out the best!" instead of "Bring out the Hellman's..."

I thought I was crazy. But apparently it was just an ad airing in the wrong TV market. Which is strange, but not alternate-universe strange.
posted by General Tonic at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


HELLMAN'S MAYONNAISE IS PEOPLE!
posted by mcstayinskool at 9:48 AM on February 3, 2015


Am I the only one here who finds the Unilever association disgusting? They make toothpaste, shampoo, other chemical products. Food is chemically interesting too, sure, but this is too close for comfort.

(I don't eat mayonaise.)
posted by ipsative at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2015


Am I the only one here who finds the Unilever association disgusting? They make toothpaste, shampoo, other chemical products

There's just one giant extrusion nozzle at the factory.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 9:50 AM on February 3, 2015 [24 favorites]


Rap de la abuela - Hellmann's Mayo Ad, 1991 (Chile)
posted by ipsative at 9:50 AM on February 3, 2015


I thought the third paragraph of this was going to be different.
Hellmann's Lawyer: "Your Honor, my esteemed competitor's product, despite being referred by the appellation 'Just Mayo', has been determined by the Just Righteous Food And Drug Administration to not in fact, conform to the definition of the Heavenly Product Mayonnaise laid down by the selfsame Adminstration".

Judge: "Has the FDA representative also analyzed the secret recipe for Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise?"

FDA Flunky: "We have, Your Honor"

Judge: "Well?"

FDA Flunky: "Well, you see, in fact ..."

Hellmanns's Lawyer: (cough)"YouHonorWePreferToNotWasteAnyMoreOfYourCourt'sValuableTimeOnThisMatter".
posted by achrise at 9:52 AM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


Yes, but because my eggs come from my backyard

I think when a pre-requisite step is "raise chickens", the "just whip up some mayo yourself" is not so simple.
posted by smackfu at 9:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [17 favorites]


You think that's mayonnaise you're breathing?
posted by angerbot at 9:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [14 favorites]


Also, I don't know why they would mess with Hellman's. It certainly isn't cheap, and it has super high brand loyalty.

At least when Ben & Jerry's messes with their ice cream, it's to be more socially responsible. I still want my Heath bar pieces though.
posted by smackfu at 9:55 AM on February 3, 2015


> My consumer complaint got this response: “[W]e would like to assure you that our formula has not changed.”

Weird that they call it a "formula" and not a "recipe." Is this an intellectual property protection thing?
posted by ben242 at 9:56 AM on February 3, 2015


what is honestly a refreshing, smooth, quality beverage

into which there is nothing finer to dip a stick or two of butter.

hurf durf
posted by flabdablet at 9:56 AM on February 3, 2015


> There's just one giant extrusion nozzle at the factory.

Steve Martin's gonna need to update his Unified McDonald's Products theory.
posted by davelog at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also owned by Unilever: Ben & Jerry's, Popsicle, Klondike, and Marmite.

Not to derail too violently, but has anyone noticed that Ben & Jerry's is no longer available in pop form? At least here in D.C. Not at the Whole Foods, Safeways or Giants that I've checked. I'm not a big commercial ice cream consumer, but sometimes I like me a Cherry Garcia pop.
posted by the sobsister at 9:58 AM on February 3, 2015


You can buy Duke's ONLINE??? Where am I going to put all these Girl Scout cookies I ordered?

Are you familiar with the concept of the "mix-in"? Just be warned that if you get tipped while mixing in your cookies into your Duke's, you will have to belay your sobbing at what your life as become in order to sing a little song in the traditional Cold Stone Creamery manner.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:58 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


HELLMAN'S MAYONNAISE IS PEOPLE!

Hellman's mayonnaise is other people.
posted by ferret branca at 9:59 AM on February 3, 2015 [36 favorites]


I've poured out my Unilever hate in this previous thread about ice cream. They're open about having destroyed Breyers by screwing with the recipe, and my suspicion is that they've hurt Ben & Jerry's through cut-backs in the distribution network.

Repeating myself: I imagine that at Unilever headquarters in Rotterdam there is a huge banner across the front entrance that says "De Daling in Kwaliteit Zult Je Niet Merken."
posted by benito.strauss at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


Meanwhile, I had discovered another apparent change by comparing the ingredient list on my new jar with a Google image search for “Hellmann’s label”: Lemon juice concentrate now appears where lemon juice used to. I wondered if that change explained complaints I’d read about Hellmann’s new wan flavor. But Anita Larsen, director of communications for Unilever in North America, told me that the difference between lemon juice and lemon juice concentrate is simply semantic. She wrote, “The use of lemon juice concentrate in Hellmann’s Real is not a recipe change, simply a label update—so this is unrelated to any particular complaints you may see.”

Bet this is atually it; lemons have a lot of pectin (mainly in the peel, though), and pectin is what gives jellies texture -- but if you boil pectin, as you're concentrating the juice, say, it degrades and won't set any longer.

Probably Unilever switched suppliers or processes for their lemon juice, and now it has less active pectin -- making the final product soupier -- and less acid -- making the mayo less tangy and also eliminating the desirable curdled effect referred to in the article.
posted by jamjam at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


Greg Nog: YES, free-range micro mayo is good, but honestly, there's nothing wrong with a big glass of Hellman's on a hot summer day.

Will you marry me?
posted by tonycpsu


Love you both, but I hope y'all won't be offended if I don't stick around after the ceremony for the reception buffet.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


But what about Mustardayonnaise?
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:07 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


The buffet was fine. The bar, though... that was... odd.
posted by flabdablet at 10:08 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


the insane people who review pet foods online

Sane people review cat food IRL.
posted by srboisvert at 10:10 AM on February 3, 2015


Ben & Jerry's, Popsicle, Klondike, and Marmite.

You think Unilever's fucked up the ice cream so far. Wait until they unleash that flavour.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:13 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


I take back my advocacy for Blue Plate, mustmayosturdayonnaise is the best.
posted by dis_integration at 10:13 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Probably Unilever switched suppliers or processes for their lemon juice, and now it has less active pectin -- making the final product soupier -- and less acid -- making the mayo less tangy and also eliminating the desirable curdled effect referred to in the article.

Apparently pectin gel is used in low fat mayos to make up for the reduction in oil amounts, but is probably a negligible factor in emulsifying a normally fatty mayo. To wit, I usually make mayo with rice vinegar. No pectin there at all.
posted by dis_integration at 10:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why is it that all store brands of mayo taste like rancid oil?
Also I have never seen nor heard of Duke's before.
posted by obloquy at 10:16 AM on February 3, 2015


There's just one giant extrusion nozzle at the factory.

Which brings us to our obligatory topical Simpsons reference.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dukes is fine, but Hellmanns is Life.

The Hellmanns must flow. If I have to arrest every executive on the Unilever board I will. This must be fixed YESTERDAY. Where is Obama? Wait is this Obama's fault? I'm a Libertarian now. Find me at the congress concealed carrying 150 packets stolen from Roy Rogers in 1998. Wake up America.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


mustmayosturdayonnaise is the best

Can't wait for Sriracha-flavor Guacamustmayosturdayonnaise.
posted by rhizome at 10:31 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


> Aw yiss, Heavy Duty Mayonnaise

Heavy Duty Mayonnaise: the 90w gear oil of mayonnaise. In colder months, be sure to switch to our 75w-90 winter blend for smoother shifts and fewer stalls.
posted by mosk at 10:41 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


I hate to do this to you folks, but this seems like a USA-only problem. I have Hellmanns in my fridge right now, and it's the right consistency. So are the packets obtained from the Burger King I shouldn't have eaten.

Also, I love mayonnaise on almost everything. Perhaps not ice cream. Fries, especially, mayonnaise is perfect for. That said, I can understand people not liking it if they've never had real-as-in-made-from-scratch mayo. It's a totally different animal. (And if you're concerned about salmonella, you can coddle, poach, or softboil your egg yolks first. This leads to wastage in the whites though.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:44 AM on February 3, 2015


It's the same mayo - branded Hellman's east of the Rockies and Best Foods in the west.

West of the Rockies in Canada is Hellman's only, fwiw.

The Canadian boutique mayo market does not appear as developed as it is south of the border. I use the sacrilicious half fat Hellman's and it does not appear to have changed.
posted by Cosine at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2015


But what about Mustardayonnaise?

Here you go.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:49 AM on February 3, 2015


I hate to do this to you folks, but this seems like a USA-only problem.

I'm not entirely convinced it's a problem at all. The article is rather inconclusive, and given the admission early on that the author had previously written an article praising Hellmann's (which reeks of 'sponsored content'), I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out this was a paid hit job in support of Just Mayo.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:55 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


1. I love mayo.

2. I love mustard.

3. Mustardayonnise tastes like death.

Go figure.
posted by Cosine at 10:57 AM on February 3, 2015


1. I love yoghurt.

2. I love sweet chili sauce.

3. Never again.
posted by flabdablet at 10:58 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


I don't even know what y'all are all talking about. Blue Plate is the One True Mayonnaise.

Sometimes I think I could put a straw into a fresh jar of it and slurp away.

And now that I can finally buy it in my home town in Texas, my mama doesn't have to carry jars of it on the plane from NOLA for me anymore (she did it of her own volition, I might add).

I will also buy Kewpie on site, because that stuff is crazy good, too.
posted by the matching mole at 11:01 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Garlic mayo.
posted by sukeban at 11:01 AM on February 3, 2015


(Note: most definitely not alioli. The Spanish wikipedia page for alioli calls ajonesa a sacrilege)
posted by sukeban at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


flabdablet you just made my mouth sad. Sweet, tangy, spicy, cooling--sounds fantastic to me.

Garlic mayo.

aka aioli
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nope, blasphemy. Alioli is just garlic and oil. Nothing more.

The Two Spains fight for things like alioli, mixed paella or, worst of all, onion in the potato omelette. #seriousbusiness
posted by sukeban at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


I have an opinion on mayonnaise. But to my eternal shame, I don't have a problem with your opinion on mayonnaise.
posted by spaltavian at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


alioli and aioli are different things.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Big mayo has ruined flying for me. Ever since I started eating the recommended jar per week, the airplane seats have gotten smaller and smaller, and the folks around me grumpier and grumpier as I try to wedge myself into that middle seat.
posted by OHenryPacey at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2015


Sweet, tangy, spicy, cooling--sounds fantastic to me

That was my theory as well.

Imagine my dismay when it utterly failed to work. Or try it yourself and see just how badly it fails.

Because it does fail. So, so badly.
posted by flabdablet at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2015


alioli and aioli are different things.

*Does a quick google check* Well, ok. But in Spain we have only alioli and ajonesa.
posted by sukeban at 11:13 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Were you using sweetened yogourt? Place I used to work, we dressed our (asiago and chicken, which sounds weird but it worked samosas with spiced truffled yogourt and chai simple syrup and it was glorious. Hell, for kitchen snacks we'd munch on samosas with either yogourt or kewpie (oh god, kewpie mayo is THE BEST THING) and sriracha mixed.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, ok YES - mayo and sriracha together? The perfect condiment.
posted by ldthomps at 11:23 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh, ok YES - mayo and sriracha together? The perfect condiment.

It's what I dip my pizza crusts in.

Or mayo and chipotle Tabasco.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hi, my name is Rock, and... um... I like Miracle Whip on a sandwich. I mean, in potato salad, or as part of another recipe, sure give me some Duke's or whatever, but, well, my parents ate Miracle Whip when I was growing up, and I guess I just kinda learned it from them. I'm going to sit down now and listen to the rest of you talk about how you handle your Miracle Whip preference on a daily basis. Thanks.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:28 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


I handle my Miracle Whip preference by never having any of that devil semen in my home.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Heavy Duty Mayonnaise

A local Sub shop uses EXTRA Heavy Duty Mayonnaise. No idea what the difference is. I'm not even sure I want to know.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 11:39 AM on February 3, 2015


Were you using sweetened yogourt?

No. There's already plenty of sugar in the sweet chili sauce.

That's actually how it fails, by the way; the yoghurt pretty much kills the chili but it really accentuates the sugar, so you end up with this sickly-sweet vaguely creamy utterly unsatisfactory glop. The whole is so much less than the sum of the parts.
posted by flabdablet at 11:42 AM on February 3, 2015


I had a friend in college who used to cover his fries in a mixture of mayo, mustard, and horseradish. We excused this bizarre practice because he was Greek, and we figured it was his way of keeping us from stealing too many of his fries. He thought we were stupid. He was correct.
posted by rtha at 11:44 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


A friend of mine still hasn't forgiven me for calling mayonnaise "sandwich lube."
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:46 AM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


the 90w gear oil of mayonnaise.

You laugh, but I have a quart bottle of 10w40 mayonnaise in my fridge. Well, not technically mayonnaise; there is no egg in it, just 50:50 oil and water. But looks for all the world like Miracle Whip. Been stable for more than a decade.
posted by bonehead at 11:54 AM on February 3, 2015


What did you use to emulsify?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:57 AM on February 3, 2015


Apparently it's Hey Unilever, stop messing with my stuff Day on MeFi.

Cherry Garcia FroYo Change
posted by zamboni at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


The top comment from Slate (actually sort of a cool feature!) is,
The answer is Wal Mart. As a food scientist who understands what is really happening, the representatives statement regarding shelf life gives it away. Wal Mart is probably one of Hellman's biggest customers and Wal Mart hates hates hates short shelf life products and is always pushing food companies to make it longer. And trust me, 9 months is still considered short for a company with such a complex logistics as Wal Mart.

So the product was probably cooked longer/hotter and the salt went up, both of which would extend shelf life but could (and probably would) change the sensory properties.
That seems plausible, if there is any real weight to the hypothesis in the FPP.
posted by codacorolla at 12:01 PM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


Oxidized oil compounds mostly. It was well-used oil, very rancid in cooking terms.
posted by bonehead at 12:02 PM on February 3, 2015


Greg Nog: YES, free-range micro mayo is good, but honestly, there's nothing wrong with a big glass of Hellman's on a hot summer day.

Will you marry me?


He was being 100% serious, that's really how he feels about mayonnaise
Which is to say, GET YOUR PAWS OFF MY MAYONNAISE MAN
posted by likeatoaster at 12:07 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


And although I admit mayo has it's place, count me in on the side that says sometimes you just crave the Whip brothers - Miracle on the sandwich and Cool on the dessert.

Miracle in the streets, Cool in the sheets
posted by jason_steakums at 12:09 PM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potato salad, etc only exist because the man says we shouldn't chug mayo straight out of the container, so we throw a bunch of dumb non-mayo stuff in it to obscure our true intentions.
posted by jason_steakums at 12:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


kind of like sour cream with pierogi or nachos or baked potatoes
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:19 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potato salad, etc only exist because the man says we shouldn't chug mayo straight out of the container, so we throw a bunch of dumb non-mayo stuff in it to obscure our true intentions.

That tuna? That's the delicate thread keeping us from tumbling into the abyss.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:25 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Or just make your own in 2 minutes or less with a hand blender.

+1 bump comment like subscribe.

I'm a major bore on this subject at home, cuz homemade is so fuckin superior in every way that it should have a different name. Store-bought mayo ...it's like, what IS that stuff? Where does it come from? Why does it jiggle so repulsively? But when you make it, and watch it transform from liquid to semi-solid before your eyes, it's miraculous. I use a tiny, paralyzingly twee wire whisk.
posted by Zerowensboring at 12:27 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I keep one of those on my keychain for emergencies. Not joking.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:28 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


My mother, who was NOT a good cook, got me accustomed to Miracle Whip at an early age. (Meanwhile the 'wacky DJ' I ended up working for later had a running joke "This is the Marquis DeSade, speaking for Miracle Whip...") So my taste buds were corrupted into accepting the 'tangy zip' (which is mostly more lemon juice and more sugar); still I've long quit using it as a 'direct condiment' but only as an ingredient in tuna salad or 'homemade' tartar sauce (yeah, Miracle Whip, pickle relish and a little more lemon - that's a recipe that'll get you on Top Chef). And even so, I use it seldom enough that the 22 ounce squeeze bottle in my fridge is 2 months past it's marked 'use by' date... it's the way I live dangerously. I'm a Miracle Wimp.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:33 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


So - OK, y'all. I have this dream. It's a "Mayo Slice". Picture those slices of American Cheese, you know the kind. "Kraft Singles"...

But instead of cheese, it's a slice. Of mayo. A thin, soft, edible skin around a moister and juicier center. When placed on a sandwhich and compressed, the skin sort of dissolves and blends in with the rest, and there you go. A nice, easy to dispense method of putting mayo in your lunch that doesn't require a messy jar, or packets. I can just see the ad now!

"Has this ever happened to you?" (sad trombone, broken packet of mayo spilling out, person looking for something clean up with)

I have looked into potential ways to do this via molecular gastronomy, but unfortunately, the ways I'm finding end up looking like they would be spheres, not a flat square. I did see one possible option, but we'll have to see.

If anybody has some creative ways to do something like this, please PM me. We could get rich! Or not.
posted by symbioid at 12:38 PM on February 3, 2015 [10 favorites]


I have looked into potential ways to do this via molecular gastronomy, but unfortunately, the ways I'm finding end up looking like they would be spheres, not a flat square. I did see one possible option, but we'll have to see.

What if you extruded a big flat ribbon of mayo + sodium alginate into your calcium chloride water instead of dripping it in per typical spherification?
posted by jason_steakums at 12:43 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


What if you extruded a big flat ribbon of mayo + sodium alginate into your calcium chloride water instead of dripping it in per typical spherification?

Let's think this through: Mayo Balls would be a great spinoff product.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:44 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I've tried that--surface tension pulls into a sphere. Well, I guess it's surface tension.

You could try freezing sheets and using a hot alginate solution. Or spray a frozen piece with alginate and let it thaw.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:45 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you want mayonnaise in a jar that tastes a bit like mayonnaise, Calvé is the one to go for.
posted by Mocata at 12:45 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


You could also powder using malto, compress into sheets--it'll reconstitute in your mouth.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2015


I do not have a hand blender, but I have a free afternoon and so I think, hey, I'll try this homemade thing. I may have been overly careful--by which I mean, I was adding the oil with a pipette until the very end, and it took enough time that I actually managed to break a sweat, although part of that is because my apartment is very hot this afternoon--but after everything I've heard about the process, I will say: it didn't break!

Unfortunately I may now be too worn out to eat the late lunch I intended it for.
posted by Sequence at 1:00 PM on February 3, 2015


likeatoaster: "GET YOUR PAWS OFF MY MAYONNAISE MAN"

So that's what that white stuff coursing through Ash's cybernetic body in Alien was!
posted by invitapriore at 1:08 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Call it what it really is -- food lube.
posted by Lukenlogs at 1:09 PM on February 3, 2015


Wouldn't powder. Oil won't dry.

The protein plasticizers are the way to go, I think.
posted by bonehead at 1:11 PM on February 3, 2015


I'm pretty sure that egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potato salad, etc only exist because the man says we shouldn't chug mayo straight out of the container, so we throw a bunch of dumb non-mayo stuff in it to obscure our true intentions.

I am fairly sure the name for every single one of those things is Salade à l'américaine (no, seriously, that is the actual name it literally used to be called. look, this is my serious face.)

no great fan of veganaise. I do like the Smart Balance version, maybe the redneck miraclewhip in me.

Cain's olive oil one is a favorite.

Kewpie, wow, glad some ppl mentioned. that is the weirdest yet most delicious thing. there is a bottle + hidden-backup-bottle in the fridge, plus 2 more extra++backup-bottles on the secret-shelves. in the land of mayonnaise, it is a thing entirely unto itself, inexplicable in flavor. you really cannot use it to make a decent tuna salad; at the same time you can't make most Japanese junk foods without it.
posted by dorian at 1:13 PM on February 3, 2015


bonehead, maltodextrin specifically is used to powder oils. It's a polysaccharide that INSERT SCIENCE HERE and turns fats into powder. That orange powdery goop you get on your fingers when eating Cheetos? That's cheese food product blended with malto into a powder, and sprayed onto the extruded styrocorn.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:15 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


olive oil powder, also works with e.g. melted chocolate--really interesting texture on the tongue when it melts.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh and if you want to have fun with powdered oils, toss some around in a nonstick pan over medium heat. It'll come together in these sort of lumpy rock shapes.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:22 PM on February 3, 2015


Aha! That begins to explain this strange memory I have of seeing a familiar TV ad for Hellman's mayo, except the jingle sang "Bring out the Bestfoods, and bring out the best!" instead of "Bring out the Hellman's..."

Years ago I was in a hotel room in Idaho watching TV and saw a commercial for Hellman's start and about 2 seconds in there was a quick blip of static and the commercial morphed seamlessly (well, except for the quick blip part) into a Best Foods commercial (same camera pan and everything, the label just changed as if by magic) and I remember feeling oddly satisfied, like I'd been given some forbidden look into the machinery behind the impenetrable wall.
posted by jalexei at 1:31 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


IT'S STILL GOOD FOR YOU!!! (trigger warning: loud people eating mayonnaise by the fistful)
posted by drlith at 1:33 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


zombieflanders: Or just make your own in 2 minutes or less with a hand blender.
Assuming there isn't a storm brewing. Or, if you live in Pittsburgh, it's a day ending in 'y'.

Can anyone explain why mayonnaise WILL NOT make when it's like that? I mean explain, not make guesses.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:35 PM on February 3, 2015


maltodextrin specifically is used to powder oils.

Didn't know there were food-safe versions of this. Neat.
posted by bonehead at 1:42 PM on February 3, 2015


I can't believe what I am reading here. A great sandwich spread and salad topping is being tossed down the drain and people crack jokes about it? Really? What have we come to?

Mayonnaise is just not a topic that Metafilter does well.
posted by zaelic at 1:42 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Benny Andajetz: My wife has excellent taste in men and condiments. (Really, Duke's or nothing.)
Sorry to hear that, Ben.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:42 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


In fairness, Duke Silver is quite a catch.
posted by tonycpsu at 1:45 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Can anyone explain why mayonnaise WILL NOT make when it's like that? I mean explain, not make guesses.

Well, I mean, I'm guessing because I'm not in your kitchen watching you while checking a barometer, but the two most likely reasons:

- Your eggs are somehow too small or not quite eggy enough.
- Your container is almost shaped wrong, and on bad days just doesn't make the right kind of vortex.

I have failed mayo because of a weird container.

For the past year or so I've used a pint jar for mayo and, same principle, two-minute toum which is a beautiful thing if you like the taste of raw garlic, and haven't had any failures (except once I forgot the egg in my toum and was all "whyyyy??") even though it doesn't have a little bit of taper at the bottom. But I'm in California so storms are not so much an issue.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:51 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


The first time I was far east enough to hear the Hellman's version of the jingle, I was stunned--not only were they using someone else's ad, they had missed the point entirely, that being the tiny, pathetic attempt at a pun. By rights it ought to have been "Bring out the Hellman's, and bring out the Hell."

Kewpie confuses me because it tastes like they left it out in the sun and that somehow made it super delicious.
posted by darksasami at 1:51 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Wait, so the Best Foods jingle is, "Bring out the Best Foods, and bring out the best"? That's not a pun, nor even a "tiny, pathetic attempt" at one; it's just redundant.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:02 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


It was Unilever’s word against my—and dozens of irate, if amateur, commenters’—taste buds.
Reminiscent of the "Pepsi Made With Real Sugar" lies. "Oh, it's the same formula as Pepsi Throwback, we swear! We're just having some issues with website maintenance... and er... would you believe nutrition data maintenance and ingredients label maintenance?"
posted by roystgnr at 2:02 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Mmmm... Mayonnaise sandwiches. Two slices of white balloon bread, thickly slathered with Best Foods. Nothing better. Seriously.
posted by jgaiser at 2:05 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


(trigger warning: loud people eating mayonnaise by the fistful)

Mmm.

You're underselling it a little. Might I suggest:

(trigger warning: three and a half minutes of really loud mayo facials, also contains some eating of mayonnaise by the fistful)
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:15 PM on February 3, 2015


If you deadbeats can't make your own from cold pressed extra virgin organic oil, free range flax fed eggs and sea salt harvested yourself, you get what you deserve.
posted by clvrmnky at 2:21 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


So - OK, y'all. I have this dream. It's a "Mayo Slice". Picture those slices of American Cheese, you know the kind... ...get out of my brain, symbioid!

Actually, I've thought about something similar: a loaf of Cheese Ball Matter. Imagine you could slice delicious slabs of Cheese Ball Matter, stack them in between Mayo Slices with a swirl of Sriracha, then swaddle them all in slices of Bunny Bread.

That sandwich would be the umami-crunch one-two mouth-punch to end them all.

Now who wouldn't buy a Cheese Ball Matter Loaf and a stack of Mayo Slices?
posted by the matching mole at 2:27 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Now who wouldn't buy a Cheese Ball Matter Loaf

Oh, yes indeed.

Now, I don't know if this is available in the US, and given that people sell it on eBay, I think it may not be, but it's widely available in Canada.

MacLaren's Imperial Sharp Cold Pack Cheddar Cheese Product, made by Kraft.

And I can't for the life of me find an "about the product" page from Kraft Canada anywhere. So. I will explain:

It is pure Cheese Ball Matter. In a tub.

You could form it into a loaf.

So, yes. I live in a place where Cheese Ball Matter is freely available in its pure form. Many opt to make cheese balls with it. I prefer to enjoy it in its Platonic form - warmed up slightly and spread on crackers.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:23 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Assuming there isn't a storm brewing. Or, if you live in Pittsburgh, it's a day ending in 'y'.

Can anyone explain why mayonnaise WILL NOT make when it's like that? I mean explain, not make guesses.


I hope this explanation doesn't come across as mean, because it's not meant that way: your technique is poor. I have made mayonnaise in +50C kitchens, I've made it in October in the dark at a backyard wedding (had to raid the hosts' fridge for that one!), I've made it in a catering tent in the middle of a thunderstorm (cooking while sinking into mud: fun!) by hand--the electricity was unpredictable for a while.

My technique is far from the best you'll ever see, and I've had no trouble under any of those circumstances. Then again, I've never tried to make mayonnaise in Pittsburgh, and my one visit there did suggest it's a pretty different place. Generally speaking, climate conditions usually only affect baking or other situations where dryness is an important factor (e.g. you'll use more flour or less liquid, somewhat, when baking in a very humid location).

Can you outline your technique and the results you get? Here or MeMail, I'd be happy to troubleshoot for lo! handmade mayonnaise is a glorious thing and proof of the bounty of Escoffier.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:49 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Didn't know there were food-safe versions of this. Neat.

Malto's been in use in processed food for a very long time and has made its way into fine dining kitchens over the past twenty-ish years. If you want to weird someone out, blend 1:1 by weight of malto with smooth peanut butter in a food processor until powdery. Hand them a spoonful. Soon as their saliva makes contact with the powder, it reliquefies.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:52 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not to bring down the tone, but I sum up my opinion of Miracle Whip in two words:

goblin cum.
posted by rifflesby at 4:05 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


goblin cum

I think I've seen this film.

It is... it is not about mayonnaise.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:06 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Can't wait for Sriracha-flavor Guacamustmayosturdayonnaise.

Actually that sounds really good.
posted by goethean at 4:14 PM on February 3, 2015


"I'm pretty sure that egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, potato salad, etc only exist because the man says we shouldn't chug mayo straight out of the container, so we throw a bunch of dumb non-mayo stuff in it to obscure our true intentions."

... and, I give you.... "pre-dinner snack - iz good for you!"... (Presented in genuine "swenglish")

Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time!
posted by jkaczor at 4:19 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Regular Ordinary Swedish Time to Ingest, surely.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:21 PM on February 3, 2015


darn you drlith... sigh...
posted by jkaczor at 4:23 PM on February 3, 2015


Came in to read a whole lot of people say "yay/yuk" and mention salmonella due to the dire state of egg production in some parts of the world. Totally satisfied. Off to eat raw quail egg yolks on raw chopped steak.
posted by nfalkner at 4:36 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


off to have dinner with nfalkner
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:39 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I just had slow-cooked cross cut beef shanks with mushrooms and potatoes for dinner and thanks to this thread all I could think was I want to destroy this with mayo

I held back only because I would have been judged
posted by jason_steakums at 4:41 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


The main difference is that Kewpie is savory, which it accomplishes via MSG and dashi stock.

While the MSG is pretty well established (it's right there in the ingredients), you're not going to see a brand that big trying to sneak dashi (and especially not a fish-based dashi...) into their ingredient dec as "spices". It would be a pretty quick way to get your entire boat full of mayo turned back at the dock.
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 4:44 PM on February 3, 2015


Call it a truffled aioli, or even a bearnaise (both siblings to mayonnaise) and I can't think of anyone batting an eyelash.

I mean.. everyone here who hates mayonnaise, I have two questions:

1) Have you ever had the real thing, or only the delicious slime from jars and tubes?

2) Ever had Hollandaise? Virtually the same thing.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:46 PM on February 3, 2015


Greg Nog: "How is it different? Is it more likely to end up in individual chicken-raisers' backyards?"

Historically, the vector for salmonella in raw egg has been contamination from the exterior of the shell to the delicious gooey insides of the egg. Unfortunately, there are rare but emergent strains of salmonella that are able to propagate within the interior of the egg requiring no contamination or poor handling for salmonella to be present. These strains are not widespread, but they do exist.

BTW, want to know a group of people that you can be sure have never had oral sex in their entire lives? It's the people that present at food safety symposiums.

On the upside, trichinosis has been eliminated from swine herds raised indoors, so you can happily eat pork raised industrially rare, though I don't see why you'd want to. Pork raised on pasture or in the woods still run the risk of contracting trichinosis, mostly from eating rotten logs, but that meat is actually worth eating rare.

Food safety is a rich pageant.

(HO-MADE MAYO 4 LYFE!)
posted by stet at 5:12 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


everything here seems to be sliding sideways into a delicious derail, and I like it.

and, so...

a. why would anyone need a LOAF of Cheese Ball Matter?! don't you simply buy the shrink-wrapped walnut/pecan-studded BALL of port-wine-cheddar Cheese Ball Matter as-is?! I mean I suppose you could purchase it in loaf form...?).

2. recent musashi brand
- "spicy mayo" - this is a truly odd combination of mustard and miso and kewpie. I'm quite at as a loss how to react.
- "green" si-racha, this is even more confusing, but if you are big on garlic and cilantro, total hit.
posted by dorian at 5:56 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


You haven't lived until you make the 2 minute mayo with a yolk from a duck egg.

Then used the mayo instead of butter on grilled cheese.
posted by mrzarquon at 6:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


I had duck egg pasta for the first time recently and it was a revelation.

I've made duck fat mayo--great on burgers, needed lecithin to maintain the emulsion--but duck fat was a side effect of other kitchen processes and eggs were too expensive. MUST TRY.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:03 PM on February 3, 2015


Mayo Balls

Decades of responsible, respected adult existence under my belt, and you bring this cruel schoolyard taunt back into my life!!
posted by Chitownfats at 7:20 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Well I dunno freeze-spherify some mayo, then flour-egg-bread and deepfry. Fried thing that comes with its own condiment.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:33 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm just going to leave this here.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:35 PM on February 3, 2015


Mustmayostardayonnaise.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:44 PM on February 3, 2015


My family still mourns the lack of Shedd's Sauce. Shaved ham, Shedd's Sauce, decent bread. also, leftover turkey shmeared with Shedd's Sauce, straight from the fridge Thanksgiving night. But Woeber's is now carried pretty widely, and their horseradish Sauce is pretty good. Disclaimer: I went to school with the Woebers.

I'm not a mayo purist. I prefer the olive oil blend, but it's not always available. I grew up in Ohio, and I still remember the 1st time I was tricked into eating Miracle Whip. What The Hell? I am pleased that this mayo thread is just as lively as the chili thread, and Greg Nog made me smile out loud.

Screw Unilever. I'd consider picketing them for ruining Breyer's, but I have become anti-lactose. Still, that's just wrong.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


I gave up on Hellman's about a year ago and made the switch to Duke's. I haven't looked back. Duke's contains no added sugar (unlike every other mayo in existence) and has a rich flavor and texture, as well as a nice pale egg-yolk color. It's a little more than Hellman's but so worth it.
posted by DriftingLotus at 11:37 PM on February 3, 2015


Sugar in mayonaise is anathema.
posted by Nelson at 12:54 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


Shedd's Sauce

Wait. is that related to the abomination that goes by the name of "Country Crock". I remember reading "Shedd's Spread" on the tub from when my parents decided to jump on the BUTTER WILL KILL YOU!!!! bandwagon back in the day.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 5:35 AM on February 4, 2015


dorian asked, sensibly, "a. why would anyone need a LOAF of Cheese Ball Matter?!" and that is a valid question, because loafable cheese already exists.

It made me realize that I hadn't made the distinction between the cheese balls which are molded balls of cheesy orange-dyed air-filled cheese-matter, and, um, the other kind of cheese balls, which are balls made from regular cheese.

So what I want is a loaf molded from the matter used to make this kind of cheese balls. In my mind, this is the Real Cheese Ball (even though it isn't made of Real Cheese).

Now I'm off to Twitter to get this #RealCheeseBallMatter hashtag going.
posted by the matching mole at 8:09 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


These are all valid points.

Yes, I was referring to the "other kind" of cheese ball, not the puffy kind, although both are welcome in my house any day.

So what I want is a loaf molded from the matter used to make this kind of cheese balls. In my mind, this is the Real Cheese Ball (even though it isn't made of Real Cheese).

The Imperial Cheese product I was referring to upthread is delightful, if you haven't had it. It's not the processed blandness you might think it is - it's very sharp, like an aged cheddar, but processed. It's kinda hard to put into words. I think some of this sharpness is owing to its obscene sodium content, which hits your system like a freight train.

the matching mole, now that you've clarified, I think you're proposing a cheese ball matter rusk or melba toast. The puffy crispness of it would not lend itself to a loaf - I think it would disintegrate during slicing. If what you're driving at is something like pre-sliced rusks or melba-toast thingies, then I think we're in business.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:44 AM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Pre-sliced cheese matter rusks! Yes, that's what I want for my epic mayonnaise sandwich!

Thanks for introducing me to that material and word, I love it!

Hrm, maybe I can find an angel investor to get this off the ground. Might have to bean-plate that name a bit, howevs.
posted by the matching mole at 10:52 AM on February 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


Ojai Lemonnaise FTW!

Dukes also makes Sauers, Mrs. Filbert's and Bama.

Reily Foods, which makes Blue Plate also makes JFG.
posted by brujita at 11:54 AM on February 4, 2015


I've only been allowing the Hellmann's Olive Oil stuff into the house. My wife picks up Kraft mayo if it's on sale, even though I have told her I'd rather pay full price for the Hellmann's than save $$ on the Kraft. Which inevitably turns to goopy syrup by the time it's nearly gone... it squicks me out, how runny it gets by the end! The Hellmann's doesn't seem to do that at all. Or at least, to the same degree...
posted by caution live frogs at 2:05 PM on February 4, 2015


Who needs mayo or vegan "maybo" when you can just buy yourself a nice squeezy bottle of BIG MAC SPECIAL SAUCE?
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:31 PM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


oh god, is this going to cause The Singularity, or merely another Viking-type-Incident?

it had not occurred to me at all, the idea of a Ball or Loaf of cheese-puff* Matter! pre-sliced rusks would definitely be the least messy form, agreed. not really that far out, we've all put tortilla chips or potato chips on sandwiches**; I've personally enjoyed cheetos (v. important: crunchy not puffy) on more than a few sandwiches.

or, what about devolving the snack-cheese-puffs, along with cream cheese, into a smooth semi-solid substance not quite unlike a Standard Holiday Cheese Ball Matter Ball.

but I think I could only stand one of the following at a time:
- Cheese Ball Matter Loaf Rusk
- Cheese Ball Matter Ball Soft Slice
- Slice of Devolved Combination Cheese Ball Matter*** / Cheese Ball Matter

*and to cheerfully add to the confusion, my meaning here is, naturally, not classic gougères, but rather the above-linked Utz snacks!

** yes, let's fall further down the hole - I've had chip butties and crisp butties, and sandwiches with tortilla crisps but also sandwiches with Sliced Cold Tortilla Matter Loaf (which, by lovely coincidence, contains potatoes.)

*** there will eventually be bloody violent controversy whether it's ok to only use the Rusk Loaf form here, or if the mini snack puffs are acceptable.
posted by dorian at 6:45 PM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Cheese Ball Matter Loaf Rusk

A chusk, if you will.

I Googled that word, and lo and behold, the Urban Dictionary definition is:

A chusk is someone who eats everything in their path.

So perhaps we need to call it "melba cheese"? I think before we can start pitching for venture capital, we have to nail down the nomenclature. It'll mean a lot fewer footnotes in the PowerPoint deck.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:30 PM on February 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


My mother in law insists on using the ultimate abomination: FAT FREE Miracle Whip.

Look, I can get that some people like Miracle Whip, especially where there's a nostalgia factor at play.

But the fat free version is depraved. On this topic there can be no debate.

I will bet good money that the Hellman's Olive Oil mayo I rushed out and bought in a fit of white hot anger while visiting the inlaws a Christmas ago* is still in her fridge, untouched save for what I took out of it to make a goddamn sandwich with a proper goddamn condiment on it.

* Yes, I threw a hissy over there being no proper mayo when offered some leftover ham for a sandwich. Yes, I almost ruined Christmas. I stand behind my decision and my conduct.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:43 PM on February 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


I loathe the whole concept of 'fat free' or 'low fat' when it is a product MADE OUT OF FAT.

whaaargarbl
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:14 PM on February 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


why would anyone need a LOAF of Cheese Ball Matter?!

If you need to ask, you'll never understand.
posted by flabdablet at 9:26 AM on February 5, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have never felt so at home, so among my people, here on The Blue before. This is an epic thread.

Also, pass the Blue Plate, please.
posted by the matching mole at 11:00 AM on February 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


Somebody not behind a Firewall Of Death please link that scene in Undercover Brother where they explain that mayonnaise is a flavorless, colorless sauce white people eat, and equip him with a hot-sauce-filled ballpoint pen so he can pass as One Of Them.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:33 AM on February 5, 2015


That only works on grits.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:55 PM on February 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


That's why you put shitloads of hot sauce of your choice in the goddamn mayonnaise.

It's the fatty vehicle for the hotness. Hot it up.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:31 PM on February 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Or just make your own in 2 minutes or less with a hand blender.

Tried this twice. Once with the recipe as listed and again with some adjustments. It emulsified perfectly both times but it didn't taste any better than out of a jar. If you have the right superior to jarred recipe, this is a good method to get it nice and emulsified, but I still don't know what that recipe is.
posted by Drinky Die at 7:47 AM on February 6, 2015


The Duke's regionals are spiced differently.
posted by brujita at 8:43 PM on February 6, 2015


Confession: When I'm too lazy to cook (which is way too often), one of my favorite no-effort meals is to throw a little rice (short-grain brown rice is my fave) and water into the rice cooker. When it's ready (just about a long enough time for me to settle into 'home' mode after a day's outing), I dress it with mayo and Swad's Mint Chutney (which I get from the Indian grocer on Central Ave in NE Mpls), and chow down. This is the kind of super-easy home cooking that I do a lot of and honestly enjoy, even though I have no idea if anyone else would find it the least bit palatable. It's probably for the best that I live alone.
posted by marsha56 at 11:56 AM on February 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Unilever also owns Ben and Jerry's.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:19 PM on February 7, 2015


I bought some "just MAYO" (which...no, it's "just EMULSIFIED OIL" but anyway) today so I could make vegan/allergy-friendly onion dip and...it tastes about like Hellmann's.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:32 PM on February 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


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