How many stars?

February 11, 2015 10:23 AM

We Got Some of Our Ex-Boyfriends and Girlfriends to Review Us as Lovers(SLVice)
posted by josher71 (33 comments total)

Okay, frequently on the green there are questions from people considering staying friends with exes, and I mention that I've stayed friends with two. Someone always seems skeptical why you'd want to, though.

This is one reason why - I'm guaranteed a good review from at least two of my exes.

Even though it would feel UNBELIEVABLY WEIRD for me to be talking about past sex with either of them at this stage though
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:31 AM on February 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

huh, all heterosexual pairings
posted by The Whelk at 10:40 AM on February 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

I shudder to imagine what my reviews might look like after some of the unhappier partings.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:44 AM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

huh, all heterosexual pairings

#notallheterosexualpairings
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 10:49 AM on February 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

This had me really depressed about the state of humanity until I realized it was just selection bias: these are the exes of people who write for VICE. So, I mean, of course:

you're also demanding, attention-seeking and manipulative

You really went out of your way to make things overdramatic

You're ostensibly intelligent, but you also do the dumbest things imaginable

you were sometimes mean and paranoid

It's a portrait of a publication.
posted by RogerB at 11:11 AM on February 11, 2015 [35 favorites]

huh, all heterosexual pairings

Yes, but more variety than that statement suggests. Paris Lee is trangender.
posted by maxsparber at 11:12 AM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

You're ostensibly intelligent, but you also do the dumbest things imaginable

Everyone who has ever known me thinks this.
posted by josher71 at 11:15 AM on February 11, 2015 [13 favorites]

This is incredibly funny and relieving to read. (Illustrations were awful - I know they're supposed to be comical but did they have to make them repulsive?)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:21 AM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I once received something of an evaluation note as a final farewell in a breakup. It was quite positive. Funny enough, that's the one ex I severed all ties with and didn't try to keep as a friend. And not because I already have her on record with her review.
posted by Hactar at 11:27 AM on February 11, 2015

In the future, all relationships will end with an exit interview.

Ex: What are some positive things you can take from the relationship?

Me: I still have that Nick Drake CD you lent me.

Ex: What are some things you feel you should work on as a result of this relationship?

Me: Not to steal so much from ex-girlfriends.
posted by maxsparber at 11:31 AM on February 11, 2015 [11 favorites]

I don't actually think you're all there. The fact you asked me to write this confirms my impression that you don't fully grasp the idea of other people.

Good summary of the project, as well.
posted by skewed at 11:45 AM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

The reviews were pretty dull actually - kind of shows why bonkers "date 'em-and-rate 'em" app Lulu only took off when it offered selectable hashtags to facilitate reviews of this nature.
posted by colie at 11:56 AM on February 11, 2015

Some of my favorites:

"You don't make sense on paper."

"All this said, you're a very kind person deep down. I'd see you do anything for a mate or your family. Too bad you wouldn't do the same for a boyfriend."

"It's sort of impossible to describe what you were like because you were never consistently anything other than a mess."

"As a human you're fun, but in terms of getting into a relationship, you were sometimes mean and paranoid. "

The exes sound more compelling in their reviews than the people they're reviewing, if that makes sense.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:56 AM on February 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

"It's sort of impossible to describe what you were like because you were never consistently anything other than a mess."

It reads like astrology. One could literally say that about every single person on Earth regarding their most intimate personal relationships.
posted by colie at 12:01 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

There's a certain...inner peace...with knowing you're a lousy lay. You never have to ask anyone about it.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:19 PM on February 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

The guy reviewers sound so whiny and depressing to me. Just to me. I feel embarrassed for them.like it says ore about them than the person they're reviewing. Childish.
posted by discopolo at 12:56 PM on February 11, 2015

Having given similar feedback for an ex paramour lately (for an article I *strongly* suspect Vice nicked this idea off), I'm fairly amused to see that those polled have felt the need to be diplomatic than I did, and felt far reader to say "yup, you were pretty much a knob, tbh."

I know Paris Less only recently broke up with her ex, which might explain this somewhat.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:56 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can't think of anything to say to and about an ex other than,"I'm sure you'll find someone better suited to you. We just didn't belong together." Though in my experience, my being calm just usually brings the bitter, angry drama king out of them. And so does letting go and finding someone new.

I'm just glad iPhone lets you block numbers 😁
posted by discopolo at 1:12 PM on February 11, 2015

I can't imagine soliciting my exes' opinions on me, especially given the resentment on display there. I'd cringe and feel awful. What's the point of this?
posted by Omnomnom at 1:48 PM on February 11, 2015

> What's the point of this?

Generating page views.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 2:00 PM on February 11, 2015

If I were asked to provide similar feedback for an ex, whether or not it would be published, I would be much more diplomatic.

If it was someone I couldn't be diplomatic about, I wouldn't respond to the request in the first place.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:05 PM on February 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

"But my stance is, "if you like someone enough to want to get naked with them, what would prevent you from staying friends with them?""

Usually the fucked up emotional pain we inflicted on each other? (Well, actually for me it's more that they moved away and we lost touch as a long distance relationship turned into slow fades. But the emotional pain thing scans better than "The same reason I'm not friends with a lot of people I used to hang out with, for utterly prosaic and banal reasons.")
posted by klangklangston at 2:25 PM on February 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

OKCupid used to let you include reviews from exes, and I have to say some of them were kind of awesome and useful. It might have been because they sought me rather than vice versa though.
posted by corb at 3:51 PM on February 11, 2015

I think the point of the piece was 1) humor, 2) scab-peeling, and 3) a sort of voluntary pulling back of the curtain to reveal that the writers are evolving - like everyone - during their lifetimes, so that the person you behaved like ten years ago in a previous relationship is very different to the person you behave like now.

I don't know these writers but presumably they have public personnas that is less revealing than the reviews by their exes, and I find this refreshing in a way. YMMV.

I seem to be in the majority here but I really enjoyed this piece.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 4:08 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'd be happy to be friends with my ex's, but for some reason they don't feel the same way.
posted by freakazoid at 4:24 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Kids, don't date anyone who works for Vice. I guess we already knew that, but it's good to be reminded.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:19 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

You were a right fucking bitch at the end. You really went out of your way to make things overdramatic and go out with a bang. Everything has to be cinematic. I did cheat on you multiple times, so I suppose I deserved it.

Uh, way to bury the lede there, guy.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:29 PM on February 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

Uh, way to bury the lede there, guy.

Evidently, repeatedly.
posted by 445supermag at 6:39 PM on February 11, 2015 [5 favorites]

I just wanted to be the first to spell Paris Lees' name correctly.
posted by jjwiseman at 10:21 PM on February 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

That was amusing. After reading some of the comments here I was expecting this to be somehow harrowing, but they were all pretty nice, I thought. Not sure why people read this as a sign that people at Vice are bad to date - most of their exes seem still to think of them positively post breakup.

FWIW, I'm still friends with a number of my exes, and I've always liked to make it happen, for the reasons people have stated in the thread. Though I remember reading this list of life tips by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and one of his points is that you can't be friends with all your exes and forcing it might be just to make yourself feel better and not the other person. 'Twas wise, I thought.
posted by Alex404 at 12:03 AM on February 12, 2015

Kids, don't date anyone who works for Vice.

I know a person who works for Vice and she is a perfectly normal nice person.
posted by josher71 at 4:54 AM on February 12, 2015

Paris Less! How embarrassing. I'm blaming the *excellent* cocktail I was getting through when I posted (see also: internet indiscretion about personal life)
posted by ominous_paws at 6:39 AM on February 12, 2015

Hahaha Paris Lees's name seems to have a unique ability to confound brains/autocorrects
posted by en forme de poire at 3:11 PM on February 12, 2015