The Secret Diary of Gollum

February 12, 2002 10:38 AM

The Secret Diary of Gollum : Day Thirty-One - "[Very] Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum."

Ignore the fact that it's a LiveJournal link. It's Middle Earth slash-fiction. And it's funny. Really, really funny. [via Modern Life is Rubbish]
posted by grabbingsand (21 comments total)

This is great stuff, despite Gollum's obvious jealousy at Legolas's beauty. To get the full effect, you really need to read it in the Gollum voice from the old animated movies.
posted by jpoulos at 10:57 AM on February 12, 2002

"Sam will kill him if he tries anything." Ha! Great stuff. grabbingsand, thanx for the diversion. 'Pervvy hobbit-fancier,' indeed...
posted by krewson at 11:11 AM on February 12, 2002

I like this quote from some Ian McKellen interview. . .wonder where she read it.

"If you're still stuck on the Frodo and Samwise thing, one final spoiler from the third movie, The Return of the King, due out in 2003: Samwise finds a wife; his companion does not. Frodo, as far as we know, dies a virgin, McKellen notes."
posted by Danf at 12:01 PM on February 12, 2002

oh great. now comes the deluge of harry potter fan homoerotica!
posted by jcterminal at 12:07 PM on February 12, 2002

Jcterminal. . .your prayers are answered:

Draco forbore to mention that there was no one there to see them except the horse. "Turn your wand-light off, and no one will be able to see anything." Severus didn't act fast enough to suit him, so he reached over and took Severus's wand himself: "Nox!" The moonless night with no lights except the very small and infinitely distant stars glittering overhead was so dark that, at first, they couldn?t even see other. With eyes closed, kissing by touch and taste and smell and sound in the warm, perfumed night seemed perfectly normal.

Draco's hands stayed busy even when his mouth reluctantly pulled away. "I was so fucking worried about you. Well, you?d collapsed in your lab and been taken unconscious to hospital wing and Dr. Simon Branford said you were suffering from a conflict between an old Dark Memory Charm and a spell he couldn?t recognize that was rooted in both Dream and Memory, so I jumped to the conclusion that it was the Sourdamours Porte d'Ivoire potion, so I gave him information about it."

from one Catlady. . .and there looks like there is a lot of it already. . .ewwwww
posted by Danf at 12:14 PM on February 12, 2002

Ew.
posted by jennyjenny at 12:23 PM on February 12, 2002

Ah yes the Very Secret Diary's, I was wondering when someone would mention them here. (Is far to insecure to post a thread.) I've been a follower of them from Day 1 and they are really the funniest LOTR fan fiction out there.

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either. ~Aragon~

Funniest line (I think) in the whole diarys. Well except the 'Sam will kill him if he tries anything' references in every one....genius. *smiles*

And yes her Harry Potter fan fiction is equally (if not more so) dodgy.
posted by hugsnkisses at 12:39 PM on February 12, 2002

pervy hobbit-fanciers = funny and subversive.
filandering hogwarts wards = creepy and unsettling.

reason: middle-earthians are of an indeterminate age, but as the youngest inhabitant is way past any reasonable age of consent, the slash fiction (at least this incarnation) comes off as good parody.

but potter-ites are established as of an elementary school age, regardless of the slash caveat that these stories typically take place later on in their adult lives, and those established little kid images are the filters through which any potter slash is seen, and its just ... well ... ew.

but maybe it's just me.
posted by grabbingsand at 12:46 PM on February 12, 2002

There's also the pants game, making the rounds along with links to the diaries, wherein you replace random bits of dialogue with the word "pants." As in:

"He is Arathorn, son of Aragorn... you owe him your pants."
and
"Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants!"
and
"Nine companions! You shall be... the Fellowship of the Pants!"

Childish, yes, and also lame, but also oddly hysterical. There's lots more in the way of slightly subversive slashy antics at The Whore of the Rings".
posted by kittyb at 1:03 PM on February 12, 2002

kittyb, that reminds me of the "Vagina Game". You find the movie titles that best benefit from the replacing of one of the words in the title with "vagina". To wit:

"Neverending Vagina"
"Three Men and a Vagina"
"The Last Vagina in Paris"

Childish, yes, but extremely funny when you're backstage during a long tech rehearsal and trying desperately hard to stay quiet.
posted by starvingartist at 1:37 PM on February 12, 2002

*can't help posting some LOTR pants game sentences*

"Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the pants...I was barely involved..."
"Gandalf: When in doubt, always follow your pants."
Galadriel: I know what it is you saw, for it is also in *my*
pants...
Sam: I-I ain't been droppin' no pants sir, honest!
posted by hugsnkisses at 1:51 PM on February 12, 2002

We just call him Frodo of the Nine Fingers, and the Pants of Doom.

Ha! It is fun! It's almost as fun as replacing a word from a song title with the word "fart"! As in "Saturday Night's Alright for Farting".

If the "alternate universes" thread is matter, this here thread would have to be anti-matter.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:25 PM on February 12, 2002

Kafkaesque, was that a (really obscure) reference to the Young Ones book Bachelor Boys?
posted by jackiemcghee at 3:15 PM on February 12, 2002

Oh my dear god, yes it was.

I didn't know anyone but me had that!! I am also ashamed to say I have at times owned "How To Be A Complete Bastard" and "Neil's Book Of The Dead".
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:23 PM on February 12, 2002

My fave, from the v. secret diary of a ring wraith:

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
posted by arielmeadow at 3:33 PM on February 12, 2002

Gee, Danf, thanks for putting me off my lunch. It's bad enough Snape keeps getting pinned as the bad guy in the books, but that's just entirely too bad for words. And you're right, there is more of that out there. Lots more.

I've played the pants game with Star Wars dialogue in the past. "These are not the pants you're looking for."

Cassie also writes Potter fan fiction, which as far as I can tell consists mostly of lines lifted from Buffy and various British comedies. I know fanfic isn't really original to begin with, but what's the point? A favorite quote site may be a better way of saying "here, this is funny."
posted by Electric Elf at 3:54 PM on February 12, 2002

For what it's worth, most Harry Potter slash authors age the characters up to at least 15 or 16 (they're 11 in the first book, but by the fourth they're 14, after all), and some of it's actually quite well-written.

Um, not that I would know about that, or anything.
posted by Jeanne at 4:50 PM on February 12, 2002

I'd seen this LJ site before but I hoped never to see any more of it. I like LOTR (the books, anyway), but not this sophomoric stuff.
posted by StOne at 7:52 PM on February 12, 2002

While I actually think the secret diaries are funnier, they did remind me of the Harvard Lampoon's Bored of the Rings.

The "pants" game reminds me of a great Heather McAdams comic about playing a silent version involving the word "dick" -- so you try to make the other person laugh by pointing out titles, which you then imagine as appropriately altered -- A Farewell to Dick, A Dick Grows in Brooklyn, etc. The game ends in disaster when they come across Herman Melville's greatest work.
posted by BT at 8:52 PM on February 12, 2002

I missed Bored of the Rings, but National Lampoon's DOON parody was funny, at least for one reading.
posted by StOne at 7:53 AM on February 13, 2002

all of cassies secret lotr diaries are mirrored at
http://diaries.diagon.org/
posted by dreamling at 8:59 AM on February 13, 2002