How To Be Cool So Girls Notice You
March 7, 2015 3:35 PM Subscribe
How To Be Cool So Girls Notice You. A brief but informative guide for the gents, courtesy of WikiHow.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
(a) Say "Word" instead of Okay.
(b) Say "Yo" instead of Hi.
(c) Say "Peace" instead of Bye.
(d) Use some cool foreign terms once in a while.
Wow.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:40 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
(b) Say "Yo" instead of Hi.
(c) Say "Peace" instead of Bye.
(d) Use some cool foreign terms once in a while.
Wow.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:40 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
God I love WikiHow.
Word. Peace!
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 3:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
Word. Peace!
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 3:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
WARNINGS: Sometimes, when you're trying to act cool, you end up looking stupid, avoid this.
posted by kyrademon at 3:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by kyrademon at 3:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
I don't think I've ever seen such a panoply of peculiar sweater creasing.
posted by sobarel at 3:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by sobarel at 3:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
I am not a regular user of wikihow but is every illustration portrayed with only white people?
posted by Fizz at 3:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Fizz at 3:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Be a little different, but don't end up considered a freak.Don't cut hearts into your arm during Chem. That's weird.
posted by bunderful at 3:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 3:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Fucking mentally omnipresent Power Rangers.
posted by ignignokt at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by ignignokt at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [25 favorites]
#12 Just chill. This ain't an exam.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
To appear cool around women I bathe in ice water and lower my core temperature down to around 10C.
Then I hand out infrared goggles to women so they can see how cool I am.
Chicks dig hypothermia.
posted by FallowKing at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [42 favorites]
Then I hand out infrared goggles to women so they can see how cool I am.
Chicks dig hypothermia.
posted by FallowKing at 3:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [42 favorites]
Oh my god it actually literally suggests the fedora. I. I cannot tell if this is serious or parody.
posted by sciatrix at 3:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by sciatrix at 3:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't cut hearts into your arm during Chem. That's weird.
Right. Do it in study hall. There's lots less going on so you can get more attention. Plus in Chem you risk getting stuff in the wound which can be bad.
posted by octobersurprise at 3:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Right. Do it in study hall. There's lots less going on so you can get more attention. Plus in Chem you risk getting stuff in the wound which can be bad.
posted by octobersurprise at 3:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Wikihow is a treasure.
posted by naju at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by naju at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
So Step 8 in this guide for getting girls is "get a girlfriend". This is obviously legit pro-tip trufax.
posted by cyberscythe at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by cyberscythe at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
At the bottom is: Sign language is uncool.
Well, would it be sufficiently cool to talk to women who mainly communicate via sign language through, say, a hired interpreter who worked at Bonnaroo or something? Or is sign language just that uncool?
posted by raysmj at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015
Well, would it be sufficiently cool to talk to women who mainly communicate via sign language through, say, a hired interpreter who worked at Bonnaroo or something? Or is sign language just that uncool?
posted by raysmj at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
posted by naju at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [35 favorites]
posted by naju at 3:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [35 favorites]
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I'm pretty sure that bottom left one is actually a pig. Yup, definitely a pig.
posted by sciatrix at 3:57 PM on March 7, 2015
I'm pretty sure that bottom left one is actually a pig. Yup, definitely a pig.
posted by sciatrix at 3:57 PM on March 7, 2015
"Don't tell anyone that you are trying to be cool."
My friend was a geek in high school. One of his nerdy buddies started in their sophomore year to introduce himself to everyone thusly: "Hi, I'm John, I'm a cool guy." The circle of nerds to which he belonged were mortified. They thought it was just the lamest, most cringeworthy thing they'd ever seen. He became a laughing-stock in that geeky circle. However, suddenly they started to hear from other classmates comments like: "Oh, you know John? He's such a cool guy." John quickly rose through the high school social rankings and was firmly in the cool crowd by his junior year.
Since I heard that story I've seen that dynamic work out many times in different situations. So I'd modify that sentence I quoted to: "Don't tell anyone that you are trying to be cool, just tell them that you're cool."
posted by Kattullus at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [88 favorites]
My friend was a geek in high school. One of his nerdy buddies started in their sophomore year to introduce himself to everyone thusly: "Hi, I'm John, I'm a cool guy." The circle of nerds to which he belonged were mortified. They thought it was just the lamest, most cringeworthy thing they'd ever seen. He became a laughing-stock in that geeky circle. However, suddenly they started to hear from other classmates comments like: "Oh, you know John? He's such a cool guy." John quickly rose through the high school social rankings and was firmly in the cool crowd by his junior year.
Since I heard that story I've seen that dynamic work out many times in different situations. So I'd modify that sentence I quoted to: "Don't tell anyone that you are trying to be cool, just tell them that you're cool."
posted by Kattullus at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [88 favorites]
i'm imagining that wikihow illustrations get done by putting the captions up on Mechanical Turk
posted by indubitable at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
I like 24) - He appears to be distancing himself from that notorious backstabber, Lex Luthor. I don't know if LL is technically a leech, but I think plans to drain dry all the world's oil wells might potentially put one into that category.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:58 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Shrugging is uncool.
Sign language is uncool.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*hangs out w/ Deaf friends, signs about the loser with the "Asian" tattoo*
posted by Mizu at 4:00 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Sign language is uncool.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*hangs out w/ Deaf friends, signs about the loser with the "Asian" tattoo*
posted by Mizu at 4:00 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Try to notice (know) thier hair color
Knowing rather than noticing seems like a strange and sinister distinction to make.
posted by The Whelk at 4:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Knowing rather than noticing seems like a strange and sinister distinction to make.
posted by The Whelk at 4:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
keep detailed hair color dossiers
review them often
posted by indubitable at 4:08 PM on March 7, 2015 [26 favorites]
review them often
posted by indubitable at 4:08 PM on March 7, 2015 [26 favorites]
I don't know what I expected.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:15 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:15 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
28. Sooner or later girl will notice you.
*Kid scowls anxiously at computer screen, sweaty brow creasing underneath his fedora, scratches at the new tribal tattoo on his bicep "Fucking hell, man"*
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:18 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
*Kid scowls anxiously at computer screen, sweaty brow creasing underneath his fedora, scratches at the new tribal tattoo on his bicep "Fucking hell, man"*
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:18 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
This really makes me reconsider my policy of actively seeking out and befriending backstabbers.
posted by burnmp3s at 4:20 PM on March 7, 2015 [46 favorites]
posted by burnmp3s at 4:20 PM on March 7, 2015 [46 favorites]
He appears to be distancing himself from that notorious backstabber, Lex Luthor. I don't know if LL is technically a leech, but I think plans to drain dry all the world's oil wells might potentially put one into that category.
For the record, I am emphatically not a leech, nor do I wish to drain the world's oil wells. I will ignore the slanderous implications of the "backstabber" comment for now.
I am simply trying to point out the potential dangers in permitting super-powered aliens of obscure origin and opaque motives to establish themselves on our planet, and the risk involved in relying on such interlopers for any aspects of our own security.
I have never even met the gentleman pictured in the article.
posted by Alexander J. Luthor at 4:23 PM on March 7, 2015 [70 favorites]
For the record, I am emphatically not a leech, nor do I wish to drain the world's oil wells. I will ignore the slanderous implications of the "backstabber" comment for now.
I am simply trying to point out the potential dangers in permitting super-powered aliens of obscure origin and opaque motives to establish themselves on our planet, and the risk involved in relying on such interlopers for any aspects of our own security.
I have never even met the gentleman pictured in the article.
posted by Alexander J. Luthor at 4:23 PM on March 7, 2015 [70 favorites]
Every time I see one of these I can't help but think of Emmetand his Instructionson how to fit in, have people like you and always be happy.
posted by lysdexic at 4:30 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lysdexic at 4:30 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Poe's law, named after its author Nathan Poe, is a literary adage which stipulates that without a clear indicator of an author's intended sarcasm it becomes impossible to tell the difference between an expression of sincere extremism and a parody of extremism.
posted by Phssthpok at 4:31 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Phssthpok at 4:31 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
keep detailed hair color dossiers
review them often
Yeah, I could see this guide being a good basis for an episode of Criminal Minds, when we meet either the person who wrote it or someone who tried to do all of it, even the items that contradict the other items, then kidnaps "girly" because she didn't respond properly to all the "right" inputs and instantly love him and what is wrong with girly why girly broken why why
posted by limeonaire at 4:32 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
review them often
Yeah, I could see this guide being a good basis for an episode of Criminal Minds, when we meet either the person who wrote it or someone who tried to do all of it, even the items that contradict the other items, then kidnaps "girly" because she didn't respond properly to all the "right" inputs and instantly love him and what is wrong with girly why girly broken why why
posted by limeonaire at 4:32 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
27 Don't change too dramatically.
I love that they saved this one for almost the very end of the list.
posted by mstokes650 at 4:35 PM on March 7, 2015
I love that they saved this one for almost the very end of the list.
posted by mstokes650 at 4:35 PM on March 7, 2015
"Remember all girly have skeleton."
posted by limeonaire at 4:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by limeonaire at 4:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
14. Establish dominance by beating three dude at once in rock-paper-scissors.
17. Get super high before combing your hair. It makes your hair cooler.
18. Undress seductively in class.
24. Tell bald guys to talk to the hand.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [14 favorites]
17. Get super high before combing your hair. It makes your hair cooler.
18. Undress seductively in class.
24. Tell bald guys to talk to the hand.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [14 favorites]
This is clearly satire, because there's no discussion of correct lighting and perspective for dick pics.
posted by uosuaq at 4:38 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by uosuaq at 4:38 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
28. Above all preserve your precious bodily fluids
posted by The Whelk at 4:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 4:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
4 Make sure you have some secrets. All cool people have secrets.
14 Break ties with backstabbers. Believe me, you don't want a friend who can't keep a secret.
Typical, inventing a problem and then selling a solution.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:54 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
14 Break ties with backstabbers. Believe me, you don't want a friend who can't keep a secret.
Typical, inventing a problem and then selling a solution.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:54 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Start calling her "girly" when necessary.
When would this ever be necessary?
posted by bibliowench at 4:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
When would this ever be necessary?
posted by bibliowench at 4:56 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
#19
Woah, ease up there Federline., put the Trilby away.
Lets get you wearing suits comfortably first, and then maybe see about an actual fedora. Something with a 2&1/2 to 3" brim, maybe gray with a black band, nothing flashy. We'll start with Dorfman Pacific or Beaver Brand and them maybe move up to Akubra, so....*cough*
I mean...um...some crack about fedora-wearing neckbeards. Yeah, that's it!
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Woah, ease up there Federline., put the Trilby away.
Lets get you wearing suits comfortably first, and then maybe see about an actual fedora. Something with a 2&1/2 to 3" brim, maybe gray with a black band, nothing flashy. We'll start with Dorfman Pacific or Beaver Brand and them maybe move up to Akubra, so....*cough*
I mean...um...some crack about fedora-wearing neckbeards. Yeah, that's it!
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 4:59 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Either this guy has had some seriously bad friend experiences or this is some brilliant metafiction thing where we are supposed to piece together the narrative which brought him to this point.
The plaid flannel thing is some real truth either way.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:03 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
The plaid flannel thing is some real truth either way.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:03 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
When would this ever be necessary?
C'mon girly, I done dumped all my backstabbers for you! Can't you just be chill? I don't curse. Zut alors!
Peace.
posted by valkane at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [29 favorites]
C'mon girly, I done dumped all my backstabbers for you! Can't you just be chill? I don't curse. Zut alors!
Peace.
posted by valkane at 5:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [29 favorites]
"Yo, your hair is known to me girly!" (Grimace)
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
(I mean I think the obvious answer is it was written by a middle schooler cause that's how it reads but that's no fun)
posted by The Whelk at 5:06 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:06 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Start calling her "girly" when necessary.
When would this ever be necessary?
Perhaps they meant something more along the lines of :
"Inform her that she conforms to one or more aspects of the culture's norm for her gender in a way you find most pleasing"
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 5:06 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
When would this ever be necessary?
Perhaps they meant something more along the lines of :
"Inform her that she conforms to one or more aspects of the culture's norm for her gender in a way you find most pleasing"
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 5:06 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I like "don't be afraid to say no to your friends sometimes." I imagine the retort is: "Hey, guys, I'm trying to be cool to get a girl. So, no, I don't want to have gay sex with you."
posted by anothermug at 5:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by anothermug at 5:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
You can clearly see the girl's "Wikihow" armband tattoo in Step 3, and at that point you really should try to give up on her and try somebody else because you know she's also got a "Yahoo Answers" tramp stamp and after the first date she's already going to be talking about how her first kid is going to be a boy and she's going to name him "Geeplus".
posted by ardgedee at 5:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by ardgedee at 5:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
can we discuss whether it matters if you want to wear a plaid fedora? Does that mark you as a PUA or a drunk old hobo?
posted by ennui.bz at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ennui.bz at 5:09 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't think I've ever seen such a panoply of peculiar sweater creasing.
Incidentally, "A Panoply of Peculiar Sweater Creasing" is the name of my latest album.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Incidentally, "A Panoply of Peculiar Sweater Creasing" is the name of my latest album.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:13 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is a fedora. This is a trilby.
This is Guy Burgess / This is Kim Philby?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:16 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is Guy Burgess / This is Kim Philby?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:16 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
i'm imagining that wikihow illustrations get done by putting the captions up on Mechanical Turk
If this is the case, I should sign in to my account again.
Then I would turn around and use my hard earned money to commission random Turkers to drawpenises more dogs.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:21 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
If this is the case, I should sign in to my account again.
Then I would turn around and use my hard earned money to commission random Turkers to draw
posted by louche mustachio at 5:21 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Number 16 explains so much!
/takes off sentai suit
posted by habeebtc at 5:25 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
/takes off sentai suit
posted by habeebtc at 5:25 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
BEING COOL: A How-to Guide
The concept of coolness is founded on the following axioms:
The concept of coolness is founded on the following axioms:
- Only cool people can determine if people are cool.
- Uncool people do not understand the concept of being cool.
- It is uncool to discuss what makes people cool.
- This guide is not cool (see point 3).
- This guide does not understand the concept of being cool (see point 2).
- This guide is utterly without merit.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
posted by sobarel at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart & Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
posted by sobarel at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
This is all well and good, but basic science tells us there are only five fundamental ways to make Girls notice you:
- Strong smell. Try not bathing for a while, she will notice.
- Loud noises. Use an air horn. She'll turn her head.
- Flashing lights. Carry a laser pointer, flash it in her direction.
- Touch. There are a lot of great options here. Try giving her a wet willie.
- Taste. Offer her cookies.
Than speak about your favorite thing about her. Speak about her eyes, or the way she dressed, than ask her isn't that right?
"Your shirt is cool. Isn't that right?"
"Uh...yes? Thanks."
"You have nice eyes. Isn't that right?"
"I have to go now."
posted by billiebee at 5:38 PM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
"Your shirt is cool. Isn't that right?"
"Uh...yes? Thanks."
"You have nice eyes. Isn't that right?"
"I have to go now."
posted by billiebee at 5:38 PM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
Number 12 is the only genuinely good advice, even if it's accidental: Just chill. This ain't an exam.
The rest of this is like a space alien--who has inhabited a human body for just enough time to pass for human but is still not quite there yet--is forced to write a column for Wikihow.
posted by zardoz at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
The rest of this is like a space alien--who has inhabited a human body for just enough time to pass for human but is still not quite there yet--is forced to write a column for Wikihow.
posted by zardoz at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
get a tribal tattoo
Hebrew tats. Chicks dig'em now. Use Google Translate.
posted by ocschwar at 5:40 PM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
> Knowing rather than noticing seems like a strange and sinister distinction to make.
Hair color is hard not to notice (and thereafter to know, unless you're world-class forgetful or she's given to bright green stripes that weren't there yesterday.) Eye color, otoh... Three times in my life I have been told by a girl, while I was facing away from her, "Don't turn around! Now, what color are my eyes?"
posted by jfuller at 5:43 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hair color is hard not to notice (and thereafter to know, unless you're world-class forgetful or she's given to bright green stripes that weren't there yesterday.) Eye color, otoh... Three times in my life I have been told by a girl, while I was facing away from her, "Don't turn around! Now, what color are my eyes?"
posted by jfuller at 5:43 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is a parody of two of the related WikiHows at the bottom of the page:
- How to get a girl's attention
- How to get a girl to notice you
...although it would seem the best way to get anyone's attention is to create a parody without providing context.
posted by not_on_display at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
- How to get a girl's attention
- How to get a girl to notice you
...although it would seem the best way to get anyone's attention is to create a parody without providing context.
posted by not_on_display at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
My university cites wikihow in several courses. Just gonna let that hang out there for y'all.
posted by boo_radley at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by boo_radley at 5:44 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your university sounds cool.
posted by maxwelton at 5:48 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by maxwelton at 5:48 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I want to live in the Wikihow universe.
posted by codacorolla at 5:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 5:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
The rest of this is like a space alien--who has inhabited a human body for just enough time to pass for human but is still not quite there yet--is forced to write a column for Wikihow.
i.e. your average middle school student.
posted by ennui.bz at 5:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [21 favorites]
i.e. your average middle school student.
posted by ennui.bz at 5:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [21 favorites]
Oh God. The real "How to get a girl's attention" has this gem:
Respect all girls equally. You stand a much better chance of making a good overall impression if you treat girls that don't interest you just as nicely as those that do. This doesn't mean that you need to talk to or flirt with every girl, but don't ignore them or treat them dismissively.
Which pleasantly surprised me. And then the next sentence is:
You never know when a girl is going to suddenly get attractive, or who she'll become friends with.
*facedesk*
posted by billiebee at 5:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
Respect all girls equally. You stand a much better chance of making a good overall impression if you treat girls that don't interest you just as nicely as those that do. This doesn't mean that you need to talk to or flirt with every girl, but don't ignore them or treat them dismissively.
Which pleasantly surprised me. And then the next sentence is:
You never know when a girl is going to suddenly get attractive, or who she'll become friends with.
*facedesk*
posted by billiebee at 5:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
4. Write only in Morse code to give yourself an air of mystery.
10. Stand tall and rigid. You are a tree. The wind cannot break you.
23. Size up your opponent with an uncomfortably long handshake.
26. Wear a gi at all times to show your commitment to the code of Bushidō.
posted by dephlogisticated at 5:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
10. Stand tall and rigid. You are a tree. The wind cannot break you.
23. Size up your opponent with an uncomfortably long handshake.
26. Wear a gi at all times to show your commitment to the code of Bushidō.
posted by dephlogisticated at 5:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'm glad I never cared about being cool, because there was never any danger that would happen.
posted by jamjam at 5:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 5:55 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
uosuaq: the ultimate dick pick guide, for those new to the art, or those who want to take their peen-photography game to the next level
posted by idiopath at 6:08 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by idiopath at 6:08 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
You have to call them "Girly" while you tie them to the railroad tracks. How could you not know this?
posted by Oyéah at 6:09 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 6:09 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Man, I did this all wrong. I hid in my bedroom learning songs off of records for years and years, then had a band and tried to get gigs for years and years, and then when, like, after 6 years, my plan was coming to fruition, I realized that all the girls were leaving with the cool guys while i was loading out.
Then, I had to go get a job and go to work, because you can't be a musician only and have money, and finally, I met some girls at work.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:17 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Then, I had to go get a job and go to work, because you can't be a musician only and have money, and finally, I met some girls at work.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:17 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
If you can get a girl to laugh you are half way up her legs--advice from my grandmother
posted by Postroad at 6:27 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 6:27 PM on March 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
If you are not popular, then at least have real friends.
Hey, it worked for me.
posted by Miko at 6:32 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hey, it worked for me.
posted by Miko at 6:32 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think I can fully appreciate these unless I read them in the original Klingon.
posted by lysdexic at 6:40 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by lysdexic at 6:40 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
So Step 8 in this guide for getting girls is "get a girlfriend". This is obviously legit pro-tip trufax.
This is the dating equivalent of Sagan's "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
The tip about backstabbers is important, though. Those guys, all the time they want to take your place. You don't need those low down dirty bastards.
Also, is anyone else creeped out by those people's eyes in the illustrations? It's like they all came from an all-you-can-eat Quaalude Buffet.
This can't be actual advice - this has to be fake, right? The "don't be a jerk" parts seem OK, but the "Don't speak of "uncool" things, wear a hat, start calling her "girly" when necessary?"
This seems a surefire way to find someone you could maybe get a date with, until they find out who you actually are.
I still remember the first thing I said to my future wife when I first spoke to her about 20 years ago. "Was that you who picked the Dead Milkmen song for the closing credits?" (We we both in college working at the TV station doing a 3 night a week news program). Turned out it was her. I didn't need a hat, or an act, or refrain from 'uncool' things. We were both goofy weirdos that found each other and there was a significant overlap of odd interests. I suggest doing that - find the weirdo for you, and don't bother with the fake acting and dress up.
posted by chambers at 6:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is the dating equivalent of Sagan's "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
The tip about backstabbers is important, though. Those guys, all the time they want to take your place. You don't need those low down dirty bastards.
Also, is anyone else creeped out by those people's eyes in the illustrations? It's like they all came from an all-you-can-eat Quaalude Buffet.
This can't be actual advice - this has to be fake, right? The "don't be a jerk" parts seem OK, but the "Don't speak of "uncool" things, wear a hat, start calling her "girly" when necessary?"
This seems a surefire way to find someone you could maybe get a date with, until they find out who you actually are.
I still remember the first thing I said to my future wife when I first spoke to her about 20 years ago. "Was that you who picked the Dead Milkmen song for the closing credits?" (We we both in college working at the TV station doing a 3 night a week news program). Turned out it was her. I didn't need a hat, or an act, or refrain from 'uncool' things. We were both goofy weirdos that found each other and there was a significant overlap of odd interests. I suggest doing that - find the weirdo for you, and don't bother with the fake acting and dress up.
posted by chambers at 6:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
> this has to be fake, right?
The long troll is the sweetest. Welcome to WikiHow.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 6:48 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
The long troll is the sweetest. Welcome to WikiHow.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 6:48 PM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't think it's satire or parody, I think it was written by someone for whom English was not their first language. No? There's a cultural disconnect there along with grammar and usage problems that seem more like ESL errors than the mistakes of a middle-schooler.
posted by torticat at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by torticat at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
15: Say "Word" instead of Okay.
20: Plus, the girls are going to fall for the man with a secure well paying job, not the uneducated "gangsta" bum.speak clear enough without so much slang where no one can hear you.
In other words: choose your level of appropriation precisely.
posted by acb at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
20: Plus, the girls are going to fall for the man with a secure well paying job, not the uneducated "gangsta" bum.speak clear enough without so much slang where no one can hear you.
In other words: choose your level of appropriation precisely.
posted by acb at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Phssthpok, I had no idea there was a term for the reason new acquaintances were confused by my sense of humor. I knew it couldn't be that I was actually not funny.
posted by a halcyon day at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by a halcyon day at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh no, I've been trying to be cool all wrong!
posted by JackarypQQ at 6:59 PM on March 7, 2015
posted by JackarypQQ at 6:59 PM on March 7, 2015
If you can get a girl to laugh you are half way up her legs--advice from my grandmother
OK sweet what about the other half
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:12 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
OK sweet what about the other half
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:12 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's satire or parody, I think it was written by someone for whom English was not their first language. No?
It's part of the satire. This is unequivocally satire.
posted by Miko at 7:14 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's part of the satire. This is unequivocally satire.
posted by Miko at 7:14 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
> OK sweet what about the other half
Figure out whether she's laughing at you or with you.
posted by ardgedee at 7:20 PM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
Figure out whether she's laughing at you or with you.
posted by ardgedee at 7:20 PM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
Can't believe no one has linked to "WikiHow Theater" from the Wits podcast yet - how to buy donkeys and how to attract people to buy your birds. That theme song is stuck in my head forever.
posted by entropyiswinning at 7:34 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by entropyiswinning at 7:34 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I love WikiHow. Understand the plight of the proletariat.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:35 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:35 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
This is so funny but I bet someone will seize on "cool." They'll try to make it a real thing in these guys heads, the ones who whine about women only liking rich or tall guys.
I can just hear the whining and yelling:"Girls don't like cool guys" and "Girls only like rich, tall, cool guys but I taught myself how to be truly cool, so it can't be anything other than my financial situation and height."
posted by discopolo at 7:38 PM on March 7, 2015
I can just hear the whining and yelling:"Girls don't like cool guys" and "Girls only like rich, tall, cool guys but I taught myself how to be truly cool, so it can't be anything other than my financial situation and height."
posted by discopolo at 7:38 PM on March 7, 2015
So step 2 & 3 seems to be about staring at the women you're interested in.
Cause there's nothing women like more than some random creepy dude staring at them intently.
Think I'll stick with my strategy of terrible puns and shy awkwardness. Probably no more effective but much less likely to gain me a restraining order...
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 7:40 PM on March 7, 2015
Cause there's nothing women like more than some random creepy dude staring at them intently.
Think I'll stick with my strategy of terrible puns and shy awkwardness. Probably no more effective but much less likely to gain me a restraining order...
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 7:40 PM on March 7, 2015
Wikihow illustrations are clearly traced from actual photographs by a stable of artists of varying proficiency.
posted by anemone of the state at 7:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by anemone of the state at 7:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why are the backstabbers posed like the Ronettes?
The illustration for 16 is amazing.
"Sometimes, when you're trying to act cool, you end up looking stupid, avoid this."
Also, this is amazing.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
The illustration for 16 is amazing.
"Sometimes, when you're trying to act cool, you end up looking stupid, avoid this."
Also, this is amazing.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You never know when a girl is going to suddenly get attractive...
A most profound observation. A truely enabling concept.
posted by carping demon at 7:57 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
A most profound observation. A truely enabling concept.
posted by carping demon at 7:57 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
In eighth grade there was a school newspaper. I still remember the very earnest article someone wrote in the final issue of the year, titled something like "what things are cool." It was a list of things like "cars with T-tops," even though we were all about three years away from being able to drive legally, and other consumer items that maybe someone had seen on MTV but none of us owned.
This list seems similarly disconnected from reality, though the level of earnestness isn't so clear.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
This list seems similarly disconnected from reality, though the level of earnestness isn't so clear.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:07 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wikihow is amazing.
How to treat chapped lips in a manly way
How to control your bladder on a bus
How to break up a couple
How to catch your wife cheating on her cell phone
How to be a side chick
How to stop loving an anime character
posted by dilaudid at 8:28 PM on March 7, 2015 [13 favorites]
How to treat chapped lips in a manly way
How to control your bladder on a bus
How to break up a couple
How to catch your wife cheating on her cell phone
How to be a side chick
How to stop loving an anime character
posted by dilaudid at 8:28 PM on March 7, 2015 [13 favorites]
I didn't write that particular "what things are cool" list, but I definitely did write other "what things are cool" lists in middle-school newspapers. Then, as now, I processed and attempted to understand things by writing about them...
posted by limeonaire at 8:28 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 8:28 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you can get a girl to laugh you are half way up her legs--advice from my grandmother
OK sweet what about the other half
NOT the time to bring up hair color!
posted by Chitownfats at 8:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
OK sweet what about the other half
NOT the time to bring up hair color!
posted by Chitownfats at 8:42 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
> Your shirt is cool. Isn't that right?
I know someone who talks like this. He's a teenager, has autism, and has done a lot of ABA therapy; I think he's working from scripts and social stories.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know someone who talks like this. He's a teenager, has autism, and has done a lot of ABA therapy; I think he's working from scripts and social stories.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:50 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
How to Control Your Bladder on a Bus
I love that it includes "don't think about running water" and suggests not peeing your pants.
Long troll indeed.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:51 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I love that it includes "don't think about running water" and suggests not peeing your pants.
Long troll indeed.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:51 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anybody Can Be Cool-- But Awesome Takes Practice
This was on a list of weird books.
posted by locidot at 9:21 PM on March 7, 2015
This was on a list of weird books.
posted by locidot at 9:21 PM on March 7, 2015
It apparently takes Jesus to be awesome. Huh, that's why I've been stuck at cool for so long.
posted by Sangermaine at 9:32 PM on March 7, 2015
posted by Sangermaine at 9:32 PM on March 7, 2015
If you are not popular, then at least have real friends.
-the only advice you really need in middle school:
posted by eye of newt at 9:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
-the only advice you really need in middle school:
posted by eye of newt at 9:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
What if you don't have any friends? Problem solved, isn't that right?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:47 PM on March 7, 2015
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:47 PM on March 7, 2015
This makes much more sense once you realize they forgot to credit the author, Dr. Steve Brule.
"try to just grimace"
You don't "just" Grimace.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:14 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
"try to just grimace"
You don't "just" Grimace.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:14 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you can get a girl to laugh you are half way up her legs--advice from my grandmother
MMMmzzzzzZZZZ lizzzzen my larvae I have advice for you about the human females zzzzmmmzzzz important for egg laying muzzzt remember will try to squash you broom must distract them mmzzzzz
posted by benzenedream at 10:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
MMMmzzzzzZZZZ lizzzzen my larvae I have advice for you about the human females zzzzmmmzzzz important for egg laying muzzzt remember will try to squash you broom must distract them mmzzzzz
posted by benzenedream at 10:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
OK sweet what about the other half
Learn to be content with knees.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 11:12 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Learn to be content with knees.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 11:12 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
How to treat chapped lips in a manly way
??????
I just extrude more testosterone from the glands around my mouth-hole until it provides a protective covering. Isn't this what you guys do?
posted by soundguy99 at 11:37 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
??????
I just extrude more testosterone from the glands around my mouth-hole until it provides a protective covering. Isn't this what you guys do?
posted by soundguy99 at 11:37 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
As an incredibly awkward person this reads EXACTLY like everything I've ever read or been told on how to not be an incredibly awkward person :/
posted by mcrandello at 11:59 PM on March 7, 2015
posted by mcrandello at 11:59 PM on March 7, 2015
Since I heard that story I've seen that dynamic work out many times in different situations. So I'd modify that sentence I quoted to: "Don't tell anyone that you are trying to be cool, just tell them that you're cool."
Well okay but I would observe that this emphasis of "being" in a state of cool operatively reflects more an ideology (e.g. of the postmodernistic, patriarchal, cynical, etc. kind) of society at large, instead of any sociologically/anthropologically accurate concept of what cool "really" means or as something that's not a social label that people could morally aspire to. That, and I'm one of those people who will never be cool.
posted by polymodus at 12:26 AM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well okay but I would observe that this emphasis of "being" in a state of cool operatively reflects more an ideology (e.g. of the postmodernistic, patriarchal, cynical, etc. kind) of society at large, instead of any sociologically/anthropologically accurate concept of what cool "really" means or as something that's not a social label that people could morally aspire to. That, and I'm one of those people who will never be cool.
posted by polymodus at 12:26 AM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here is a list of things to NOT DO
*Don't over do it with the meowing. After a while people might a little annoyed
*Remember you are only acting like a catgirl, so try to be human too
*NEVER EVER claw someone if you get angry at them.
posted by mcrandello at 12:39 AM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
*Don't over do it with the meowing. After a while people might a little annoyed
*Remember you are only acting like a catgirl, so try to be human too
*NEVER EVER claw someone if you get angry at them.
posted by mcrandello at 12:39 AM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
*Remember you are only acting like a catgirl
[batman growl]YOU DON'T KNOW ME[/batman growl]
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:37 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
[batman growl]YOU DON'T KNOW ME[/batman growl]
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:37 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sounds like somebody had a bad experience or two with BACKSTABBERS
posted by yhbc at 4:38 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by yhbc at 4:38 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Con or not, this thing is inspirational.
"Good morning, Mrs Cleaver, and may we say your hair look exceptionally lovely today? Is young Theodore around?"
"Beaver, the backstabbers are here! Would you boys like some lime-aid?"
posted by Chitownfats at 4:41 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Good morning, Mrs Cleaver, and may we say your hair look exceptionally lovely today? Is young Theodore around?"
"Beaver, the backstabbers are here! Would you boys like some lime-aid?"
posted by Chitownfats at 4:41 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
The rest of this is like a space alien--who has inhabited a human body for just enough time to pass for human but is still not quite there yet--is forced to write a column for Wikihow.
You know, the person for whom I most often hear this description is Tommy Wiseau, and it leads me to imagining an entirely different list:
8: Always say hai to doggies.
...
14: Throw footballs around casually with your friends.
...
19: Hotly deny false accusation of domestic abuse. You did NAAAAHHT heet hare. You did naht.
...
22: If you think your future wife may be having an affair, attach a vintage 1982 tape recorder to your phone to investigate.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:59 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
You know, the person for whom I most often hear this description is Tommy Wiseau, and it leads me to imagining an entirely different list:
8: Always say hai to doggies.
...
14: Throw footballs around casually with your friends.
...
19: Hotly deny false accusation of domestic abuse. You did NAAAAHHT heet hare. You did naht.
...
22: If you think your future wife may be having an affair, attach a vintage 1982 tape recorder to your phone to investigate.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:59 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
The article worked immediately for me! I got noticed as soon as I finished reading it!
posted by maryr at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2015
posted by maryr at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2015
56. Mention that you placed in last month's Prancercise semi-sectional regionals, and that her hair color is the exact same shade as one of the judges.
57. Make fun of the backstabbers when they're not around, suck up to them when they are.
58. "Pimp" your retainer.
posted by Chitownfats at 12:32 PM on March 8, 2015
57. Make fun of the backstabbers when they're not around, suck up to them when they are.
58. "Pimp" your retainer.
posted by Chitownfats at 12:32 PM on March 8, 2015
OK sweet what about the other half
276: Act clueless until she gets exasperated & makes the first move.
It was the only thing that ever worked for me.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:43 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
276: Act clueless until she gets exasperated & makes the first move.
It was the only thing that ever worked for me.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:43 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
NOTICE ME SENPAI
posted by ostranenie at 4:46 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ostranenie at 4:46 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
58. "Pimp" your retainer.
But... but.. you're not going to put it back in your mouth after that, are you? Even with the internet and rule 34 to help you, where would you even go to find, market to, contact, and make a deal with people with a fetish for corrective orthodontic equipment? That has got to be one very niche market.
Ohhhhh. You mean add lights, spinners, and a sound system and stuff. (I hope)
That's a way better business plan. Hmmm. Excuse me, I have to make a patent for a retainer with a conductive speaker and Bluetooth that you can play music from your phone through your mouth and control with your tongue, as well as pick up traditional AM/FM signals, and maybe even shortwave radio if you get the full headgear attachment.
posted by chambers at 5:41 PM on March 8, 2015
But... but.. you're not going to put it back in your mouth after that, are you? Even with the internet and rule 34 to help you, where would you even go to find, market to, contact, and make a deal with people with a fetish for corrective orthodontic equipment? That has got to be one very niche market.
Ohhhhh. You mean add lights, spinners, and a sound system and stuff. (I hope)
That's a way better business plan. Hmmm. Excuse me, I have to make a patent for a retainer with a conductive speaker and Bluetooth that you can play music from your phone through your mouth and control with your tongue, as well as pick up traditional AM/FM signals, and maybe even shortwave radio if you get the full headgear attachment.
posted by chambers at 5:41 PM on March 8, 2015
Ctrl-F "stay in school"
posted by klangklangston at 8:47 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by klangklangston at 8:47 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Updated 19 hours ago"
Bummer. None of this fun stuff you guys are quoting is there anymore :(
posted by starscream at 3:53 PM on March 10, 2015
Bummer. None of this fun stuff you guys are quoting is there anymore :(
posted by starscream at 3:53 PM on March 10, 2015
Someone find that cracked article that lists secrets to finding women that skewers that sad The Game/pick up artist thing.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:16 AM on March 11, 2015
posted by clvrmnky at 5:16 AM on March 11, 2015
Bummer. None of this fun stuff you guys are quoting is there anymore :(
wayback machine
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:39 AM on March 11, 2015
wayback machine
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:39 AM on March 11, 2015
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posted by Renoroc at 3:38 PM on March 7, 2015 [25 favorites]