Nooooooooo kindle style
March 17, 2015 4:41 PM Subscribe
No really, these are real "covers" on Amazon. Each cover for these self published books is fine tuned to attract a specific demographic.
That first one isn't beefcake. It looks a lot like an under-aged kid. The description say it's his "adopted eight year old boy", but still creepy.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:48 PM on March 17, 2015
posted by Ideefixe at 4:48 PM on March 17, 2015
The only regret I have about buying the discount Kindle with ads is that I have no control over what pops up on my lock screen, and sometimes it's something ridiculous and terrible. Like this.
Now I realize just how lucky I've been.
posted by phunniemee at 4:52 PM on March 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
Now I realize just how lucky I've been.
posted by phunniemee at 4:52 PM on March 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
I desperately want to look at the descriptions of some of these on Amazon but I know I'll never get my "Amazon Recommends" list clean again.
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:54 PM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:54 PM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
The problem with teaching people basic literacy is that they think they can write. They can not.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:54 PM on March 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by five fresh fish at 4:54 PM on March 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
Why would a rainbow that "came to life" be a sexually voracious gay biker?
Or am I missing a key bit of shared cultural context?
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
Or am I missing a key bit of shared cultural context?
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on March 17, 2015 [13 favorites]
Some day you'll find it, the rainbow connection.
posted by peeedro at 4:58 PM on March 17, 2015 [66 favorites]
posted by peeedro at 4:58 PM on March 17, 2015 [66 favorites]
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
posted by taff at 5:01 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by taff at 5:01 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Holy crap that first one is creepy as shit.
But... You're A Horse is pretty fucking awesome, neigh?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:03 PM on March 17, 2015 [27 favorites]
But... You're A Horse is pretty fucking awesome, neigh?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:03 PM on March 17, 2015 [27 favorites]
> I know I'll never get my "Amazon Recommends" list clean again.
I had to watch That's My Boy for work* a couple of months ago and ever since then the "Recommended for The Card Cheat" section on Netflix has a very low opinion of me.
* I'm a librarian and a patron made a formal request that it be removed from the collection (it was not)
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:04 PM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
I had to watch That's My Boy for work* a couple of months ago and ever since then the "Recommended for The Card Cheat" section on Netflix has a very low opinion of me.
* I'm a librarian and a patron made a formal request that it be removed from the collection (it was not)
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:04 PM on March 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
Titanimus Makes Jenny a Genie - the cover and title are just flat out Dada-esque genius.
posted by davebush at 5:05 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by davebush at 5:05 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
* I'm a librarian and a patron made a formal request that it be removed from the collection (it was not)
afraid I'm going to have to side with your patron on that one. Have you no decency?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
afraid I'm going to have to side with your patron on that one. Have you no decency?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh this is the best
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:16 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:16 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Titanimus Makes Jenny a Genie - the cover and title are just flat out Dada-esque genius.
posted by davebush at 5:05 PM on March 17 [+] [!]
Crappy e-book or Guided by Voices song?
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:17 PM on March 17, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by davebush at 5:05 PM on March 17 [+] [!]
Crappy e-book or Guided by Voices song?
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:17 PM on March 17, 2015 [17 favorites]
I want to read all of these.
I hope this is an excerpt from one (it isn't):
'Pierre used to be a jockey in college. He loves to have rice pudding with his tea. He loves solving animal murders. Pierre has two horses, Jacques and Paris France, both girls. He rides Paris France on the brick roads in London, looking for mysterious things. He rides Jacques for pleasure.'
posted by ian1977 at 5:17 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
I hope this is an excerpt from one (it isn't):
'Pierre used to be a jockey in college. He loves to have rice pudding with his tea. He loves solving animal murders. Pierre has two horses, Jacques and Paris France, both girls. He rides Paris France on the brick roads in London, looking for mysterious things. He rides Jacques for pleasure.'
posted by ian1977 at 5:17 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
Those Shawn O'Toole "MSPaint" covers are great tho. Totally an intentional aesthetic.
I must be in the target demographic.
posted by subdee at 5:18 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
I must be in the target demographic.
posted by subdee at 5:18 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
A blurb on one of those books led me here. Disappointment ensued.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:20 PM on March 17, 2015
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:20 PM on March 17, 2015
Holy crap, this thing is chock-full of potential Guided by Voices song titles:
Pounded by the Biker Rainbow Come to Life
They Did It with Horses
How To Deal with Hippo Encounter
Animal Future
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:22 PM on March 17, 2015 [17 favorites]
Pounded by the Biker Rainbow Come to Life
They Did It with Horses
How To Deal with Hippo Encounter
Animal Future
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:22 PM on March 17, 2015 [17 favorites]
'But....you're a horse'
50 Shades of Neigh
posted by ian1977 at 5:25 PM on March 17, 2015 [43 favorites]
50 Shades of Neigh
posted by ian1977 at 5:25 PM on March 17, 2015 [43 favorites]
Cat Writers Association is just a bunch of peoples! Any people can write a book!
WHERE ARE THE CATS?!?!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 5:27 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
WHERE ARE THE CATS?!?!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 5:27 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
We have this new free ebook service through our library, and like 90% is cheesy gay erotica. That Camelot one is definitely included. We're supposed to talk it up to patrons, but I don't really understand why. "Are you looking for free books that we would never ever buy in hard copy? Then you're in luck! We have gay knights and all of the Oz books!"
posted by Biblio at 5:28 PM on March 17, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Biblio at 5:28 PM on March 17, 2015 [11 favorites]
"Burly, Sexual, And Full Of Nostalgia."
posted by The Whelk at 5:30 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:30 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Burly, Sexual and full of Nostalgia
The Life and Times of The Whelk
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:33 PM on March 17, 2015 [36 favorites]
The Life and Times of The Whelk
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:33 PM on March 17, 2015 [36 favorites]
Max Wood is my new favorite Kindle nomdeplume.
posted by ian1977 at 5:33 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 5:33 PM on March 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Burly, Sexual, And Full Of Nostalgia"
And it's the 'author's definitive edition.' Im glad he was able to finally wrest control of his output from strong arm big business editors.
posted by ian1977 at 5:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
And it's the 'author's definitive edition.' Im glad he was able to finally wrest control of his output from strong arm big business editors.
posted by ian1977 at 5:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [14 favorites]
Why would a rainbow that "came to life" be a sexually voracious gay biker?
Um, because the entire electromagnetic spectrum is a) highly sexed, b) into male male action, and c) kind of intrigued by leather fantasies. This is super-common knowledge.
Now I guess we all know who slept through high school physics class!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:38 PM on March 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
Um, because the entire electromagnetic spectrum is a) highly sexed, b) into male male action, and c) kind of intrigued by leather fantasies. This is super-common knowledge.
Now I guess we all know who slept through high school physics class!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:38 PM on March 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
I thought it was a spoof.
Sam was going to throw his old DVD porn collection away, but his wife Betty talked him into giving it to her 70 year old friend Patsy. Patsy and her friend Mary got to worrying about having porn in their houses so started trying to get rid of it. This funny short story is about their efforts to get rid of the porn.
1 customer review:
A good piece of fun. A pity it was a little on the short side.
I will never look at old ladies leaveing church in the same way again.
Maybe not my thing.
After the death of his wife, Irma, John Saurensen lives a lonely life although his wife’s best friend does everything she can to match him with one of a series of “good women”; but that is not what John is looking for. John no longer wants a woman who will be dependent upon him to always be strong, be in the lead, and serve as her source of emotional and financial security. This time, John wants a woman who is strong and accomplished in her own right; one who will be happy to take the lead in their relationship and allow him to be the dutiful and loving supporter for a change, subject to her discipline and guidance.
See more...
3 customers review:
Female domination at its finest...
If I could have given this book no stars I would have did not like it I like reading books like this but this book was too much The sharing him with her daughter and the trainer I didn't get it and making him wear panties ...
My second story from this author. As with the first one I read it didn't disappoint.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I don't think so.
Sweet Jeebus.
It isn't a spoof. And they pay money to read this.
I'm not sure if it's appalling or it's AWESOME!
posted by BlueHorse at 5:38 PM on March 17, 2015
Sam was going to throw his old DVD porn collection away, but his wife Betty talked him into giving it to her 70 year old friend Patsy. Patsy and her friend Mary got to worrying about having porn in their houses so started trying to get rid of it. This funny short story is about their efforts to get rid of the porn.
1 customer review:
A good piece of fun. A pity it was a little on the short side.
I will never look at old ladies leaveing church in the same way again.
Maybe not my thing.
After the death of his wife, Irma, John Saurensen lives a lonely life although his wife’s best friend does everything she can to match him with one of a series of “good women”; but that is not what John is looking for. John no longer wants a woman who will be dependent upon him to always be strong, be in the lead, and serve as her source of emotional and financial security. This time, John wants a woman who is strong and accomplished in her own right; one who will be happy to take the lead in their relationship and allow him to be the dutiful and loving supporter for a change, subject to her discipline and guidance.
See more...
3 customers review:
Female domination at its finest...
If I could have given this book no stars I would have did not like it I like reading books like this but this book was too much The sharing him with her daughter and the trainer I didn't get it and making him wear panties ...
My second story from this author. As with the first one I read it didn't disappoint.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I don't think so.
Sweet Jeebus.
It isn't a spoof. And they pay money to read this.
I'm not sure if it's appalling or it's AWESOME!
posted by BlueHorse at 5:38 PM on March 17, 2015
I'm not sure if it's appalling or it's AWESOME!In this brave new world, why can't it be both? :)
posted by lumensimus at 5:41 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yes, I flag back left pocket, rainbow hankie, covered in glitter, with oil stains. I'm into something very specific.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:45 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:45 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
I like that the rainbow is wearing sunglasses. Future so bright!
posted by ian1977 at 5:50 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 5:50 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't know if it was listed upthread, but there are also lousybookcovers.com and lousybookcovers.tumblr.com
posted by newdaddy at 5:57 PM on March 17, 2015
posted by newdaddy at 5:57 PM on March 17, 2015
> afraid I'm going to have to side with your patron on that one. Have you no decency?
Hey, if "It's crappy" was a valid reason to remove something from a library collection...
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:04 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hey, if "It's crappy" was a valid reason to remove something from a library collection...
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:04 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hey graphic designers, want to know how musicians felt when it became possible for any weirdo with a copy of GarageBand to put his stuff online? Welp. Here ya go.
It's not that people haven't always been doing this, but that I never had to get my eyeballs near it before. And now I am filled with regrets that I looked.
Much like the regret I felt when, sometime in the late 90s, my husband obtained a tape of a musical effort called "That Dirty Clown" and made me listen to some of it with him.
Oh wait, here it is. You can listen too. It's like these book covers, in musical form.
posted by emjaybee at 6:20 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's not that people haven't always been doing this, but that I never had to get my eyeballs near it before. And now I am filled with regrets that I looked.
Much like the regret I felt when, sometime in the late 90s, my husband obtained a tape of a musical effort called "That Dirty Clown" and made me listen to some of it with him.
Oh wait, here it is. You can listen too. It's like these book covers, in musical form.
posted by emjaybee at 6:20 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is so bad it's good. And then bad again. And finally good. (I hope it stops there.)
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:25 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:25 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh good lord planet derp. I can't look at it without imagining gurgling voices for the 3 planets. There's no way that novel can live up to my expectations of it.
posted by fermezporte at 6:28 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by fermezporte at 6:28 PM on March 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I want to read this just to find out where the otter fits in.
posted by Fig at 6:34 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Fig at 6:34 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, without this I wouldn't have found Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass, about a literal cheese puff that is a literal pimp.
posted by xingcat at 6:36 PM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:36 PM on March 17, 2015 [19 favorites]
So… do these books make money for their authors? Asking for an unemployed friend who's kinda curious about what kinda per-hour rate writing/designing/publishing these comes out to.
posted by klangklangston at 6:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 6:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
Shit. I'm going to have to buy "But... You're A Horse," aren't I.
The title is just so good, I can't believe the book could be bad.
posted by 256 at 6:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
The title is just so good, I can't believe the book could be bad.
posted by 256 at 6:37 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
256: We expect a book report included here before this thread is closed.
posted by sammyo at 6:40 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 6:40 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
> Hey graphic designers, want to know how musicians felt when it became possible for any weirdo with a copy of GarageBand to put his stuff online?
We've been putting up with this since before guitars had power sockets.
At least your favorite band doesn't have your uncle hectoring them backstage about the ticket price and saying that your high school pep band could have done it just as well and for less money.
posted by ardgedee at 6:42 PM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
We've been putting up with this since before guitars had power sockets.
At least your favorite band doesn't have your uncle hectoring them backstage about the ticket price and saying that your high school pep band could have done it just as well and for less money.
posted by ardgedee at 6:42 PM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
So… do these books make money for their authors? Asking for an unemployed friend who's kinda curious about what kinda per-hour rate writing/designing/publishing these comes out to.
Me too!
Uh... I mean... my friend would be really interested.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 6:43 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Me too!
Uh... I mean... my friend would be really interested.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 6:43 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ok, so But... You're a Horse was written by some British comedian, and doesn't appear to be the story of the star-crossed love of a lady and her mutant man-handed horse.
Harrumph.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 7:12 PM on March 17, 2015
Harrumph.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 7:12 PM on March 17, 2015
Going through my recent activity I noticed that the first two favoriters for my first comment in this thread would themselves make a compelling romance novel title and subsequently epic book cover:
posted by phunniemee at 7:19 PM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Blue Horse, Arctic WomanSomebody please make this happen.
posted by phunniemee at 7:19 PM on March 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I can slap some words together almost sort of and have a smutty mind; is writing shabby e-strokebooks a realistic get-less-poor-quick scheme?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:21 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:21 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, Moira...you and the Zorzen War, why can't you just relax and let it go already?
posted by mubba at 7:21 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mubba at 7:21 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know I'll never get my "Amazon Recommends" list clean again.
I need to make an Amazon account just for buying $holiday presents... my mom's Chicken Soup for the Soul habit kills me until like, March every year.
So… do these books make money for their authors? Asking for an unemployed friend who's kinda curious about what kinda per-hour rate writing/designing/publishing these comes out to.
No idea about per hour or actual number breakdowns, but I have a friend (no, seriously, an actual facts friend; she asked me if I wanted to ghostwrite for her and I haven't had time, I'm teaching an overload this semester) who is making a good living writing self-published erotica on Amazon. Such a good living that her husband quit teaching and is ghost writing for her while also doing the stay at home dad thing. It's pretty impressive. Her writing is above average, however.
posted by joycehealy at 7:50 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I need to make an Amazon account just for buying $holiday presents... my mom's Chicken Soup for the Soul habit kills me until like, March every year.
So… do these books make money for their authors? Asking for an unemployed friend who's kinda curious about what kinda per-hour rate writing/designing/publishing these comes out to.
No idea about per hour or actual number breakdowns, but I have a friend (no, seriously, an actual facts friend; she asked me if I wanted to ghostwrite for her and I haven't had time, I'm teaching an overload this semester) who is making a good living writing self-published erotica on Amazon. Such a good living that her husband quit teaching and is ghost writing for her while also doing the stay at home dad thing. It's pretty impressive. Her writing is above average, however.
posted by joycehealy at 7:50 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
>the entire electromagnetic spectrum is a) highly sexed, b) into male male action, and c) kind of intrigued by leather fantasies...
I was hanging at the bar at the Hi-NRG disco, and Gamma was comin' on strong. Too strong.
"Ya know what they say about me?", he said, suggestively rubbing the bulge in his spectrum.
"Sure, Ray," I said. "You're into penetration and you're as hard as they come, but your lambda's nothing to write home about. And besides, lead condoms ain't my thing."
"Hey... don't be so negative, man"
"I'm no beta, girlfriend. Have this one on me. No charge."
I pushed my drink over to him, and turned to leave. I didn't need to be another of Ray's exes. Time to go downtown.
As I mounted my Morley-Michelson - that beast could move at the speed of light - I heard a rich, purple voice whisper in my year "Hey, kid... want me to get ultra-violet on yo' ass?" My skin burned with passion, but I wanted to play it cooler than that.
"Chill, man. You made my electrons jump right out of their shell."
"Too much?"
"I want stimulated emissions, babe. You get lasey, but you ain't too bright"
I gunned the engine, and shifted down hard. No sense in being too visible in this burg. I wanted Rainbow's End. I passed the Infra-Red Bar And Grill - too hot for me - and pulled up outside Maxwell's.
This was more like it. I wanted eyes that could look right through me. I needed to feel stuff deep within. I had to be taken completely, bare and helpless. I had to feel the pain, the ultimate humiliation, be in that place where the terror hurts.
I looked around. The leather queen standing in the corner locked his gaze on mine, and nodded a curt nod towards his equipment that made my breath catch and my heart pound. He was good, and filled out his TSA uniform in all the right places.
"Sir? Sir? I'm going to have to ask you to step through this scanner. Or it's the full pat-down."
I swallowed, as much through nerves as the need to practice.
"No, officer, That won't be necessary. I'll take... I'll take the scanner."
posted by Devonian at 7:53 PM on March 17, 2015 [43 favorites]
I was hanging at the bar at the Hi-NRG disco, and Gamma was comin' on strong. Too strong.
"Ya know what they say about me?", he said, suggestively rubbing the bulge in his spectrum.
"Sure, Ray," I said. "You're into penetration and you're as hard as they come, but your lambda's nothing to write home about. And besides, lead condoms ain't my thing."
"Hey... don't be so negative, man"
"I'm no beta, girlfriend. Have this one on me. No charge."
I pushed my drink over to him, and turned to leave. I didn't need to be another of Ray's exes. Time to go downtown.
As I mounted my Morley-Michelson - that beast could move at the speed of light - I heard a rich, purple voice whisper in my year "Hey, kid... want me to get ultra-violet on yo' ass?" My skin burned with passion, but I wanted to play it cooler than that.
"Chill, man. You made my electrons jump right out of their shell."
"Too much?"
"I want stimulated emissions, babe. You get lasey, but you ain't too bright"
I gunned the engine, and shifted down hard. No sense in being too visible in this burg. I wanted Rainbow's End. I passed the Infra-Red Bar And Grill - too hot for me - and pulled up outside Maxwell's.
This was more like it. I wanted eyes that could look right through me. I needed to feel stuff deep within. I had to be taken completely, bare and helpless. I had to feel the pain, the ultimate humiliation, be in that place where the terror hurts.
I looked around. The leather queen standing in the corner locked his gaze on mine, and nodded a curt nod towards his equipment that made my breath catch and my heart pound. He was good, and filled out his TSA uniform in all the right places.
"Sir? Sir? I'm going to have to ask you to step through this scanner. Or it's the full pat-down."
I swallowed, as much through nerves as the need to practice.
"No, officer, That won't be necessary. I'll take... I'll take the scanner."
posted by Devonian at 7:53 PM on March 17, 2015 [43 favorites]
Stay tuned for the further adventures of Roy G. Biv, Private Eye!
posted by Floydd at 8:07 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Floydd at 8:07 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Why would a rainbow that "came to life" be a sexually voracious gay biker?
I haven't said this about an FPP in some time, but this - this really is the Best of the Web.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:49 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
I haven't said this about an FPP in some time, but this - this really is the Best of the Web.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:49 PM on March 17, 2015 [7 favorites]
Holy crap, this thing is chock-full of potential Guided by Voices song titles
I have never laughed this hard at a MetaFilter comment, thank you. And of course it would be you that makes this parallel.
posted by byanyothername at 8:57 PM on March 17, 2015
I have never laughed this hard at a MetaFilter comment, thank you. And of course it would be you that makes this parallel.
posted by byanyothername at 8:57 PM on March 17, 2015
>So… do these books make money for their authors?
I have a friend at work who has written one what-appears-to-me-to-be-extremely-niche self-published mystery. He can't quit his day job or anything, but it does earn him some supplemental cash every month. And it's not even erotic.
posted by shiawase at 9:00 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have a friend at work who has written one what-appears-to-me-to-be-extremely-niche self-published mystery. He can't quit his day job or anything, but it does earn him some supplemental cash every month. And it's not even erotic.
posted by shiawase at 9:00 PM on March 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
For those curious about the works of Shawn O'Toole (like me, based on that cover art), there's a sample here.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/337806
posted by temancl at 9:28 PM on March 17, 2015
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/337806
posted by temancl at 9:28 PM on March 17, 2015
Okay, without this I wouldn't have found Cheesy Puff Came to Life and Pimped My Gay Ass, about a literal cheese puff that is a literal pimp.
posted by xingcat at 6:36 PM on March 17 [5 favorites +] [!]
If you're wondering whether to click on the "Look Inside!" on the Amazon link and read the first page...YOU SHOULD YOU TOTALLY SHOULD
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:34 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:36 PM on March 17 [5 favorites +] [!]
If you're wondering whether to click on the "Look Inside!" on the Amazon link and read the first page...YOU SHOULD YOU TOTALLY SHOULD
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:34 PM on March 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
There was a guest post on self-publishing on Charlie's Diary a while ago. Some people who wondered about this in the previous comments could always show it to their friends.
http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2015/02/brontosaurus-bdsm-werewolf-mar.html
posted by tykky at 10:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2015/02/brontosaurus-bdsm-werewolf-mar.html
posted by tykky at 10:13 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I suspect that these are mostly shown as small icons, either on the Amazon search results page, or as an identifier in your Kindle library. I've got a mixture of in- and out-of-copyright books in my library, and the generic icon for book with no custom cover makes it a pain to find the one I want when I'm scrolling through.
These look ridiculous at this scale, but they may work better than you think when used as intended. Good on the creators for thinking about usability!
posted by TheophileEscargot at 10:48 PM on March 17, 2015
These look ridiculous at this scale, but they may work better than you think when used as intended. Good on the creators for thinking about usability!
posted by TheophileEscargot at 10:48 PM on March 17, 2015
It's hard to get a cover to look pro without professional graphics tools, but you can at least get a non-terrible one with a little effort. I.e., here's my 20 minute job for a friend.
It's still distinctly amateur, especially the text in the lower half, but it at least looks half-decent. But it does show the limits without real tools -- I was very restricted to where I could put text and have it still be readable, because I was doing it on a microsoft computer with MS Paint and couldn't manipulate the base image to allow more flexible positions. And I couldn't dress up the text much to make it look more pro. I still could have done better with the author and series name, though, but well, 20 minutes.
posted by tavella at 11:06 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's still distinctly amateur, especially the text in the lower half, but it at least looks half-decent. But it does show the limits without real tools -- I was very restricted to where I could put text and have it still be readable, because I was doing it on a microsoft computer with MS Paint and couldn't manipulate the base image to allow more flexible positions. And I couldn't dress up the text much to make it look more pro. I still could have done better with the author and series name, though, but well, 20 minutes.
posted by tavella at 11:06 PM on March 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Laugh all you want, but Hippos are no joke. Just say'n.
posted by boilermonster at 12:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by boilermonster at 12:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not a font snob at all, but I refuse to patronize any restaurant that uses papyrus on any signs or menus. It's inexorably linked with "bad taste" for me.
I would read "I am Annoyed" though ... that's right up my alley.
I also probably wouldn't mind getting pounded by a rainbow.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:30 AM on March 18, 2015
I would read "I am Annoyed" though ... that's right up my alley.
I also probably wouldn't mind getting pounded by a rainbow.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:30 AM on March 18, 2015
Someone recently was saying they didn't know why people wasted their energy on fanfic instead of exercising their own unfettered creativity. We may have an answer.
posted by Segundus at 2:00 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 2:00 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
"You want to check out the Rainbow Connection?"
"What?"
"It's that new bar. It carters to your sort of guy."
"Didn't I tell you...?"
"What?"
"Ray and I broke up. It wasn't working. He wasn't the most coherent beam in the lab, if you know what I mean."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, you can call me a Friend of Dorothy."
"Huh?"
"I am so over that rainbow."
"..."
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
"What?"
"It's that new bar. It carters to your sort of guy."
"Didn't I tell you...?"
"What?"
"Ray and I broke up. It wasn't working. He wasn't the most coherent beam in the lab, if you know what I mean."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, you can call me a Friend of Dorothy."
"Huh?"
"I am so over that rainbow."
"..."
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
A former coworker of mine writes self-published books: she calls them 'erotica', but they're actually just straight-out poorly-written porn --- even worse, they're poorly-written porn retellings of Bible stories and/or Greek myths: Judith & Holofernes, Samson & Delilah, the destruction of Troy, Zeus and whoever, all that sort of thing. They are, quite simply, awful: the plots are stolen, of course, but she still messes them up; the sex is so bad you'd imagine the author was a virgin; and the writing is, at best, overwrought.
Yes, she does somehow make money (not a lot, but some) with this trash: badly written porn is still porn, and porn sells.
posted by easily confused at 5:37 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, she does somehow make money (not a lot, but some) with this trash: badly written porn is still porn, and porn sells.
posted by easily confused at 5:37 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why would a rainbow that "came to life" be a sexually voracious gay biker?
Why would an anthropomorphic sponge wear suspenders and work in an undersea burger shop?
Because imagination!
posted by echocollate at 5:58 AM on March 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Why would an anthropomorphic sponge wear suspenders and work in an undersea burger shop?
Because imagination!
posted by echocollate at 5:58 AM on March 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Crappy e-book or Guided by Voices song?
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:17 PM on March 17 [12 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
eponysterical! yay
posted by echocollate at 6:00 AM on March 18, 2015
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:17 PM on March 17 [12 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
eponysterical! yay
posted by echocollate at 6:00 AM on March 18, 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Chuck Tingle.
posted by zombieflanders at 7:30 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 7:30 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am saving up "I sure Camelot" to use at an appropriate moment.
posted by chavenet at 7:40 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 7:40 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
> I am not a font snob at all, but I refuse to patronize any restaurant that uses papyrus on any signs
I'm curious what your standard for font snobbery is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:59 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm curious what your standard for font snobbery is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:59 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
I love that these books exist. I love when people are into their hobbies -- they're usually more interesting than people's jobs. Rock on, you alligator fuckers and psychic bears.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:03 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:03 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
As I mounted my Morley-Michelson
slow clap
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
slow clap
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
But what, oh what, is Firsy Time?
Yeah -- are those supposed to be keywords? But they're on the cover as an image so... that wouldn't work?
I'm really tempted to write 27 pages of utter schlock, slap some shitty cover on it, and submit it to Mefi projects. But then I'd have to admit I wrote it.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:07 AM on March 18, 2015
Yeah -- are those supposed to be keywords? But they're on the cover as an image so... that wouldn't work?
I'm really tempted to write 27 pages of utter schlock, slap some shitty cover on it, and submit it to Mefi projects. But then I'd have to admit I wrote it.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:07 AM on March 18, 2015
sockpuppet
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:12 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:12 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
BANNED BY THE MODS: a taboo Metafilter Romance
posted by The Whelk at 10:51 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:51 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]
BANNED BY THE MODS: a taboo Metafilter Romance
SILENCED ALL MY LIFE: A Metafilter Thriller
[document has no actual content. because author was silenced. THAT'S THE JOKE.]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:01 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
SILENCED ALL MY LIFE: A Metafilter Thriller
[document has no actual content. because author was silenced. THAT'S THE JOKE.]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:01 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
BANNED BY THE MODS: a taboo Metafilter Romance
SILENCED ALL MY LIFE: A Metafilter Thriller
ALL OUT OF FAVORITES: A MeFite's harrowing journey
posted by amorphatist at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
SILENCED ALL MY LIFE: A Metafilter Thriller
ALL OUT OF FAVORITES: A MeFite's harrowing journey
posted by amorphatist at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]
BRAND NEW DAY
Can a reformed evil poster find love, or will their shameful past be revealed?
This wouldn't be a paranormal romance, but it might be a MeTaphysical one....
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can a reformed evil poster find love, or will their shameful past be revealed?
This wouldn't be a paranormal romance, but it might be a MeTaphysical one....
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
EPONYSTERICAL: An autobiography
By acclaimed author, E. PONYS TERICAL
posted by amorphatist at 11:15 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
By acclaimed author, E. PONYS TERICAL
posted by amorphatist at 11:15 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I will say that when I worked for a medium-big erotic romance house, we accepted MSS from people who could not write a coherent sentence.
And then it was (part of) my job to make their sentences for them.
No joke.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:31 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
And then it was (part of) my job to make their sentences for them.
No joke.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:31 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Chuck Tingle.
*boards the Nope Rocket*
posted by chainsofreedom at 12:59 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
*boards the Nope Rocket*
posted by chainsofreedom at 12:59 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
boards the Nope Rocket
This could almost be a Chuck Tingle title. Get some dinosaurs in there and resubmit!
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:01 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
This could almost be a Chuck Tingle title. Get some dinosaurs in there and resubmit!
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:01 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not sure this man is real. He has a Twitter, which he seems to confuse with Google Search. He also appears to be a stock photo.
*is gay for the love child of a velociraptor and a Nope Rocket*
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:05 PM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
*is gay for the love child of a velociraptor and a Nope Rocket*
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:05 PM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
holy shit that twitter is amazing
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:13 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:13 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
publishing a #new tingler about endless love between a man and a unicorn with kisses and #a suprise ending. makes you# think 'whoa man.'
I see what you did there, Chuck.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:46 PM on March 18, 2015
I see what you did there, Chuck.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:46 PM on March 18, 2015
I double checked and the horrible gay porn portal my library is using I called Biblioboard. If you live in Massachusetts you should have access to it.
posted by Biblio at 2:59 PM on March 18, 2015
posted by Biblio at 2:59 PM on March 18, 2015
I will say that when I worked for a medium-big erotic romance house, we accepted MSS from people who could not write a coherent sentence.
And then it was (part of) my job to make their sentences for them.
No joke.
OMG, this is basically my dream job.
posted by naoko at 8:57 AM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
And then it was (part of) my job to make their sentences for them.
No joke.
OMG, this is basically my dream job.
posted by naoko at 8:57 AM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I will say that when I worked for a medium-big erotic romance house, we accepted MSS from people who could not write a coherent sentence."
Once upon a time, I was the first draft copy editor for Hustler Fantasies letters. I know from incoherent erotica.
posted by klangklangston at 6:04 PM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Once upon a time, I was the first draft copy editor for Hustler Fantasies letters. I know from incoherent erotica.
posted by klangklangston at 6:04 PM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dear Playboy: You won't believe what happened to me! I work down at Hustler, editing the erotic fantasy letters when suddenly…
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 PM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 PM on March 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Heh. It's "Dear Penthouse," and the main thing that surprised me while working at Hustler Fantasies was how many of our stories were originally written on prison stationary.
posted by klangklangston at 11:34 PM on March 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 11:34 PM on March 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
The Chuck Tingle titles are a special kind of SEO amazing.
One is titled "Pounded in the Butt by My Butt" and another "Pounded in the Butt by My Book 'Pounded in the Butt by My Butt.'"
I supposed my favorite would be "Bigfoot Sommelier: Butt Tasting."
posted by mrgrimm at 10:21 PM on April 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
One is titled "Pounded in the Butt by My Butt" and another "Pounded in the Butt by My Book 'Pounded in the Butt by My Butt.'"
I supposed my favorite would be "Bigfoot Sommelier: Butt Tasting."
posted by mrgrimm at 10:21 PM on April 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
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posted by tavella at 4:45 PM on March 17, 2015 [12 favorites]