MeFites gain 1 h.p. per level after the 14th.
April 3, 2015 3:37 PM   Subscribe

Dungeons and Dragons experience tables for MeFites, cats, and anything else you can think of.
posted by Elementary Penguin (118 comments total) 41 users marked this as a favorite
 
Yes, perfect yes
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Boo the links to MeFites and Cats just go to the main page. Mods, can you fix those links?
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:39 PM on April 3, 2015


Mildly disappointed that banana doesn't culminate in "Top Banana."

spider gets a bit weird.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 3:42 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


The links work for me - send me different ones and I'll use 'em, though!
posted by restless_nomad at 3:42 PM on April 3, 2015


If they work for you, then the problem must be my iPad. Whatever!
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:44 PM on April 3, 2015




Rockstar.
posted by mazola at 3:45 PM on April 3, 2015


Wow, XP gain on Mefi is quite a grind. With 17270 XP so far I'm only at level 4. I don't think I'll ever make 21.
posted by Drinky Die at 3:45 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


I am genuinely impressed that the Lemur class starts off with a bunch of lemurs and lemuriforms! Although we kind of run out of ideas after l12 or so.
posted by Lemurrhea at 3:46 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Maybe I need to buy a $5 booster pack account so I can give myself more points. Stupid daily limit.
posted by Drinky Die at 3:47 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Someday I will achieve The Great Asteroid Baby Jesus of Sympathetic Joy.
posted by demonic winged headgear at 3:49 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Mulp is missing a level.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 3:50 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I knew about grimalkin, but I had no idea baudron was a term for cat.
posted by tavella at 3:52 PM on April 3, 2015


3rd level Pixies can't catch a break.
posted by idiopath at 4:02 PM on April 3, 2015


ok no, Max Delbruck of the Luria-Delbruck distribution is not a Level 1 biologist.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:03 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


also lol wtf
posted by en forme de poire at 4:04 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Huh... A 4th level penguin is called a Jackass Penguin which seems pretty rude to me. From experience they seem pretty friendly and chill to me.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:05 PM on April 3, 2015




Which is great, since there's also a mathematician table, with a number of mathematicians as levels. So all of math is Statistician level 1.
posted by kaibutsu at 4:06 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like #8 in this one.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:07 PM on April 3, 2015


(Jackass penguins are the one kind of penguin I've seen in the wild! They're called that because they make a loud braying sound.)
posted by kaibutsu at 4:07 PM on April 3, 2015


(Jackass Penguins are real, fwiw.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:08 PM on April 3, 2015




no mention of loudness or ability to cause harm

"Fart of Hearts" sounds vaguely like a Bob's Burgers episode title
posted by en forme de poire at 4:10 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


kaibutsu, I also like that mid-tier Statisticians briefly flirt with Zoology.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:10 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


It knows a lot more about asses than arses.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:11 PM on April 3, 2015


The Table of Tables gets oddly mythological at the high levels.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:13 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]




This is fun.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:16 PM on April 3, 2015


Only a d3 for hit die? Man, we got hit by the nerf stick.
posted by nubs at 4:17 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]




The common Vulpes Vulpes
posted by hellojed at 4:18 PM on April 3, 2015


Portobello doesn't even make the list.
posted by nubs at 4:20 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Clicking the "powered by" link is illuminating regarding some of the weirder levels, though takes away a lot of the mystery.
posted by Artw at 4:21 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I read the Mefite table and immediately thought to myself "Wait a second, there's no regular solid with fewer sides than a tetrahedron." So I looked it up—it's a cube with two faces each of 1, 2 and 3.

So what I'm saying is, I deserve to have my player use a 6-sided die rather than a 3-sided when my stats are rolled.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:23 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


1d2 is a coin.
posted by Artw at 4:25 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Is there an ISO on whether heads is 1 and tails is 2 or is it vice versa?
posted by porpoise at 4:28 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Poet

level 1: Stéphane Mallarmé
level 2: Versifier

damn
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:29 PM on April 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Professor is on the right track, but slightly confused about the order.
posted by advil at 4:31 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is there something Clark Kent has been hiding from us?
posted by aspo at 4:37 PM on April 3, 2015


Bassist is weird.

Poo is weirder still.

But Wheeze is my favourite.
posted by motty at 4:38 PM on April 3, 2015


I enjoy that a witch spends a couple of lower levels just being a woman. Likewise, dogs spend a while being blokes.
posted by NoraReed at 4:41 PM on April 3, 2015


boner is pulling partly from the Batman side of things.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:42 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Knitter is amusingly weird.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 4:42 PM on April 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Which is great, since there's also a mathematician table, with a number of mathematicians as levels. So all of math is Statistician level 1.

kaibutsu, I also like that mid-tier Statisticians briefly flirt with Zoology.


statistician is a prestige class, obvs.

I enjoy that a witch spends a couple of lower levels just being a woman.

12 9+6 Witch of Sympathetic Joy 237,001 — 279,000


man this could have some really fun implications for the "social justice warrior/mage/clerics" joke--I'm a level 12 SJW! (Sympathetic Joy Witch)
posted by kagredon at 4:45 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Furries gain 2 h.p. per level after the 13th. I'm impressed by its handling of plurals.
posted by NMcCoy at 4:45 PM on April 3, 2015


Things that amuse me about Web Designer: 1d2 HP per level, and that it tops out at "of Neither Perception nor Non-Perception". That feels about what it's like, some days.

(The web developer, OTOH, is 1d6 and tops out at "Overlord". So that's a thing.)
posted by epersonae at 4:47 PM on April 3, 2015




Misogynist level 3: Poseur. (And WTF level 8?)

Misandrist level 14: of Justice and level 15: of Prudence.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 4:47 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm just glad I'm not the only person who looked up "fart".
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:51 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I really, really want to get to Level 14 in the Lord Class.
posted by Jonathan Livengood at 4:53 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Number One Adjunct Overlady
posted by oceanjesse at 4:54 PM on April 3, 2015


10th Level Bundt!
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on April 3, 2015


I think I'm a little insulted as an ecologist by that biologist one. Wait, if I do both ecology and neurobiology, am I two levels at once? I'm having fun clicking the level designations and looking for cyclical levels--there are ranks within ranks within ranks, like matryoshka dolls of nerdiness.
posted by sciatrix at 4:56 PM on April 3, 2015


> "Wow, XP gain on Mefi is quite a grind. With 17270 XP so far I'm only at level 4. I don't think I'll ever make 21."

We're the same level! Let's go adventuring!
posted by kyrademon at 4:58 PM on April 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Today I learned a new word: lammergeier!
posted by hat_eater at 4:58 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


damn actors
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:01 PM on April 3, 2015


Cytologists are five levels higher than systematists? I knew I picked the wrong specialty.
posted by Mitrovarr at 5:02 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


SCONE OF EAGLES
posted by NoraReed at 5:05 PM on April 3, 2015


baby captain

captain of babies

posted by kagredon at 5:07 PM on April 3, 2015


Ctrl+F "ignignokt": not found

This is by MeFi's own ignignokt y'all
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:09 PM on April 3, 2015 [9 favorites]




To become a great rockstar, you must start as a ... Cambodian?
posted by slater at 5:17 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]




We're the same level! Let's go adventuring!

>You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a Soundstage.
posted by Drinky Die at 5:26 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Okay, dammit...so how do I know how many XP I have as a MeFite?

Is this something you have to be higher level to know?

I want to go adventuring, too, but I don't want to go delving too deep for my level. It'd be B-5, "Horror on the Hill" all over again. Damn fire-breathing dragon against a party of second level chars. >:-P
posted by darkstar at 5:35 PM on April 3, 2015


Bit offended by level 3 and bemused by level 6, but from level 11 it gets awesome.
posted by Pink Frost at 6:19 PM on April 3, 2015


Those upper witch levels are surprisingly awesome though!
posted by en forme de poire at 6:28 PM on April 3, 2015


As a very old school D&D guy (active 1984-1995, DM from 1986-1995), I think I may have a way to compute a more realistic matrix for calculating XP that takes into consideration a bit more factors that actually equate to experience on this site, rather than just a bulk count of comments. So if you'll indulge me for a moment, let me see if I can reactivate some of that old-school, 1st Edition nerdom and propose a XP calculation formula for Mefite XP:
Total up the following values:
Comments + Favorites + Favorites by Others + 15,000xp for each year (rounded up) since account was created = Base XP value

Modifiers to Base XP:
1,000 XP for each post (however, 10,000 XP for each post in Music, Projects, Jobs, IRL events)
10,000 XP for each AskMetafilter comment marked by the OP as "Best Answer"
20,000 XP for single "I fund metafilter" donation
10,000 for each month of donation subscription (yeah, yeah, "Pay to win," whatever)
25,000 XP if married to another Mefite (IRL marriages/unions only - joke spouses don't count - this represents the aggregated amount of small levels of stress from the occasional feelings of risk/wariness/slight hesitation/caution when commenting, due to knowing what you say/share online is not isolated just to Metafilter, but also in the next room)
One time bonus - (1,000 XP * ratio of "favorited by others/total comments")
That puts me at about 173774, I think - Apprentice Mefite (8th level). I'm curious to see if this formula actually works for other users - I still think the number still seems a bit low to me, but I think this system at least begins to account for the accumulated experience, knowledge, and perhaps even some wisdom, from all the time we have spent here. This of course will lead to some very long-time users having astronomically high XP levels, but that makes sense - they put in the time to get there.

I was also considering penalties, such as if your account was deactivated in anger and later on reactivated, sockpuppet accounts (treated in a manner like "dual classes" are in old D&D), getting called out by mods for specifically bad/trolling/disingenuous behavior in heated arguments in MeTa, etc, but there are no easy ways to index or calculate such things.
posted by chambers at 6:41 PM on April 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


Finally we can rank comments.
posted by arcticseal at 6:57 PM on April 3, 2015


Woot! With 372,735 x.p., I'm an 11th level Associate MeFite!!!

*casts Flame War at the trolls*
posted by darkstar at 7:02 PM on April 3, 2015


For fuck's sake don't gamify MeFi! I already spend way too much time h(calculates) OMG SO CLOSE TO LEVELING UP TO ASSOCIATE
posted by en forme de poire at 7:16 PM on April 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


I like the levels for Bozo.
posted by fings at 7:40 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


*squints* I think this formula gives me like, 223,125 XP... and that looks like it really cannot be right, it looks way too high. Maybe I miscalculated something. *goes back to squinting at user numbers*
posted by sciatrix at 7:44 PM on April 3, 2015


Phlegmatic Vrakatar
15 15 Choleric Vrakatar
16 16 Melancholic Vrakatar

hurm.
posted by vrakatar at 8:15 PM on April 3, 2015


I like Canadians, who start out as Australians, briefly become rivers, and go through Soviets and the Swiss before finally becoming Senior Canadians.
posted by jeather at 9:41 PM on April 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh, or brownies, which become browny in the singular. The highest level of Jew is Jew of the Non-Arising.
posted by jeather at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2015


Politician.
posted by mazola at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Hobbits!

Firefly
Imaginary Being
Imaginary Creature
Offside
Hobbit
Choleric Hobbit
Choleric Hobbit Knight
Choleric Hobbit General
Choleric Hobbit Director-General

Precious.
posted by jeather at 9:52 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


It takes a lot of experience to become a Great Fucker.
posted by fnerg at 9:56 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


I believe Neil Armstrong might have something to say about this.
posted by mazola at 10:00 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Drinker should probably lose HP as you level.
posted by Drinky Die at 10:00 PM on April 3, 2015


Take that oceanographers!
posted by mazola at 10:10 PM on April 3, 2015


Vaginas get a d10 per level, while the penis only gets D3. Considering what each does, I think this makes perfect sense.
posted by fnerg at 10:26 PM on April 3, 2015


Trucker.

Melancholic Trucker (14th level).

Perfect.
posted by mazola at 10:32 PM on April 3, 2015


Also, here's an article about the original named levels from D&D. Compare what the page spits out to the originals!
posted by fnerg at 10:36 PM on April 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


I like Bodhisattva.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 10:45 PM on April 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Buddha Is more boring.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 10:58 PM on April 3, 2015


WOOHOO I HAVE 580,389 XP making me a 13th Level Associate MeFite.

That.... actually kind of sounds right.
posted by Mars Saxman at 10:59 PM on April 3, 2015


I have a way to go before I reach Master, but some of those higher ranks give me hope.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:33 PM on April 3, 2015


spider gets a bit weird.

Oh, I'm a little late, but I can explain at least part of what's going on with spider!

-A "spider" used to be what you'd call a kind of frying pan that had three longish legs attached to the bottom so it could be used over a fire.

-A "spider" is also another name for a web crawler, a program that systematically goes through the web cataloging sites.

-I had to google "comet spider," and I guess it's some kind of tool, or something. I don't know.

Anyway, they're all alternate uses of the word "spider." This may be obvious to everyone else, but at least now I can show off my knowledge of 18th century cookware.
posted by teponaztli at 12:48 AM on April 4, 2015 [6 favorites]


Latvians traditionally send fifth level abroad, it seems.

Terminators get very specific in their targets late in their careers, which I hope the upcoming movie will address.

Earlier this week I picked up a prescription from someone I believe to be Grand Astro Pharmacist of the South Wind. At least, that is what was on her name tag.

Looks like a nemesis goes through a rough mid-career patch in levels 4-7. Drifting a bit, maybe.

And frankly, a 15th-level King (Senior King God) sounds pretty impressive.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:11 AM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am hung over and laughing my fat ass off at these. This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:11 AM on April 4, 2015


Naturally there is now an associated Twitter bot.

Also, Arch Motherfucker Potentate.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 6:28 AM on April 4, 2015




This one was more sad than I was expecting.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:55 AM on April 4, 2015


You'll note that the table for grad student is realistic in that no matter how much you level up, you never actually get to leave grad school.

if it were perfectly realistic the actual highest level, after The Number One Grad Student, would be named "Adjunct."
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:13 AM on April 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


And using chambers' rules, at 909,016 xp (counting this comment) I am apparently a MeFite Commander. I guess all those songs I've written finally paid off!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:11 AM on April 4, 2015


You guys have made some great finds! Also, I am super relieved that the reaction isn't just "Why the fuck would you build this?"

So, I finally fixed that Mobile Safari problem Elementary Penguin had trouble with at the top of the thread. Also, I noticed some classes had XP brackets that were crazy and required like 20,000,000 XP for 17th level, so I turned down the ramping up a bit.
posted by ignignokt at 10:38 AM on April 4, 2015 [6 favorites]


Arch Professional Goblin
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 AM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think I'm a little insulted as an ecologist by that biologist one. Wait, if I do both ecology and neurobiology, am I two levels at once?

Dude, you're going to have to be a multiclased ecologist/neurologist, which means you divide the experience by two and apply it to each class separately. You also have to be an elf, half-elf or halfling.

Geez, I thought EVERYBODY knew this.
posted by happyroach at 12:04 PM on April 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Someone, it seems, has an opinion about Traci.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:47 PM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


herp derp
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:56 PM on April 4, 2015


Technician.

These results were unexpected.
posted by mazola at 1:07 PM on April 4, 2015


Apparently it's not working for me? I get messages saying they're having server issues.
posted by JHarris at 2:11 PM on April 4, 2015


The link in fnerg's comment is great for understanding some of this, in explaining what "name level" is in versions of D&D up to and including 1E. I think it's a great concept myself.

One thing that link doesn't mention though is that name level isn't just the place where your character is expected to play a larger world in the world and (often) gains, or can gain, a stronghold and followers, but its also where he stops earning hit dice.
posted by JHarris at 2:30 PM on April 4, 2015


Canadian.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:45 PM on April 4, 2015


Whiskey
Hipster
Dork
Egomaniac
posted by fings at 4:16 PM on April 4, 2015


Yep. We already have one Cat of the Abandonment who levelled up to a Cat of Maintenance, and another one has just turned up.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:06 PM on April 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


if it were perfectly realistic the actual highest level, after The Number One Grad Student, would be named "Adjunct."

Post-Baccalaureate Student
Pre-Quals Graduate Student
Post-Quals Graduate Student
Research Assistant
Teaching Assistant
Senior Graduate Student
ABD Graduate Student
Newly-Minted Doctorate
Postdoctoral Fellow
Adjunct
VAP
VAP of the Abandonment
VAP of the Arising
VAP of Maintenance
Grand-High VAP of Maintenance
"Consultant"
posted by en forme de poire at 7:11 PM on April 4, 2015 [8 favorites]


there need to be at least 3 more levels of ABD grad student in that structure
posted by kagredon at 7:37 PM on April 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Somehow, it feels better thinking of myself as a 7th Level Grad Student, rather than a failed doctorate. :-/
posted by darkstar at 8:50 PM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


wow, there's really a table for everything here.
posted by Maladroid at 12:44 AM on April 5, 2015


JHarris, sorry about that. It was down for a bit, but is back now.

There are a few classes that gain hit dice beyond name level: druid, assassin, and monk. I think these classes also have a finite progression instead of a "beyond this point it's a level and 2 hp every 225,000" progression. Once you become The Great Druid, it's the end of the line!
posted by ignignokt at 4:47 AM on April 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


there need to be at least 3 more levels of ABD grad student in that structure

Oh god, I forgot my absolute favorite, "Post-Enrolled Graduate Student" (between ABD and Doctorate).
posted by en forme de poire at 11:30 AM on April 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


I stole Rory's cool 5 million in gems and jewelry. So, living in a non material world because of the material world.
posted by clavdivs at 12:18 PM on April 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


OH EM GONZO!
posted by comealongpole at 2:10 PM on April 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'm just saying, a Gonzo Jessamyn sockpuppet with long, discursive comments about her dreamlike, debauched adventures in moderation with Dr. Cortex is ripe for the taking.
posted by kagredon at 8:15 PM on April 7, 2015


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