conspiracy theory?
April 15, 2015 9:34 AM   Subscribe

Beyoncé's 2011 pregnancy was more than just the buildup to the birth of Blue Ivy—it was also a gestation period for crazed baby-conspiracy theorists. Why did one of the world's foremost experts in self-promotion release only a few arty pictures of her stomach to document the pregnancy? How did she manage to give birth in a Manhattan hospital without any information about the event itself leaking from a third party? And what was with her stomach collapsing during that one TV appearance? All good mysteries, easily solved by the chaise-lounge conspiracy theorist: Duh. Beyoncé was never pregnant.
posted by josher71 (35 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Eh, there's a weird tension between "let's talk about the phenomenon of internet engagement with conspiracy theories" as an okayish subject for a post and "let's actually just straight up argue about somebody's pregnancy" as not really so okay, and intentions aside this feels like it's landing too much on that latter side to be a good idea for the front page. -- cortex



 
I know this is probably some well-intentioned fun, but given that the low-key publicity around her pregnancy may have been partially in response to an earlier miscarriage, it seems kind of poor taste.
posted by kagredon at 9:40 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


What could be more suspicious than someone preferring to keep the birth of their child private? The very notion is preposterous!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


Black Bag is the best thing to come out of Gawker recently.
posted by griphus at 9:43 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I love a good conspiracy theory, but this one was always, simultaneously: (1) Baseless, (2) Tasteless, and (3) No one's business except Beyonce and Jay-Z.
posted by muddgirl at 9:44 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Just remember, ladies: there's no part of your life that society won't be right there for you, ready to police your body and your choices.
posted by tocts at 9:47 AM on April 15, 2015 [16 favorites]


It's up there with Stevie Wonder is not blind.
posted by drezdn at 9:48 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


The new Birthers!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:51 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think it's interesting that people believe that a woman whose sexy body is such an important part of her career would NECESSARILY be interested in extensively photographing her pregnant body and sharing all the images of pregnancy and birth. Beyoncé clearly exerts very tight control over her image generally and her physical appearance specifically that is seems MORE likely to me that she'd limit the photographs of her pregnancy, a time when you have much less control over how you look and feel than usual. It seems more natural to me that a woman whose body is as scrutinized, commodified and judged as hers would want very little documentation of the physical impact of her pregnancy as possible. I don't know if that's healthy or sad or good or bad (I tend to think her ability to keep things she deems private private is amazing and laudable, personally) but it seems to me much more in keeping with how Beyoncé conducts the business of being Beyoncé to keep the pregnancy and photos of it locked down tight.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:57 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


and c'mon, she kept the biggest album of the year a secret, you think she couldn't stop hospital photos leaking? If you're going to tinfoil hat, go full-on: the secret production of Beyoncé was actually to cover a second pregnancy, which she'll reveal in 18 years when the kid is grown, just to fuck with all of us
posted by kagredon at 9:57 AM on April 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


Interesting, as I took it for granted that it was faked after I saw the video of the folding stomach.
posted by josher71 at 9:58 AM on April 15, 2015


kagredon, your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. I bet we can find song references in that album that will reveal the kid's gender and name, if we just listen hard enough. Maybe if we play the songs backwards...
posted by muddgirl at 9:59 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is such bullshit. Even the least intelligent person in the world knows that Beyoncé landed on the Moon.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:03 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


You mean to tell me you actually believe that Beyoncé exists?
posted by thelonius at 10:04 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I don't care if Beyoncé faked her pregnancé, but I am still obsessed with how Sarah Palin faked her pregnancy.
posted by latkes at 10:06 AM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


In other news, a disturbing proportion of Americans don't believe in anthropogenic climate change, evolution or vaccines. Coincidence?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 10:06 AM on April 15, 2015


Maybe she was carrying a Kuato?

/QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIID OOOOOOOOOOPEN YOOOOOOOOOOOOUR MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNND
posted by Renoroc at 10:11 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Interesting, as I took it for granted that it was faked after I saw the video of the folding stomach.

Yeah, I've got a lot of mixed feelings about this. On one hand: pregnancy, no pregnancy, adoption, surrogate, Solange's baby, whatever, I'm completely in agreement that if she wants to keep this private, she can keep it private. If she wants to say she has a new daughter and it's no one's business how that happened, absolutely she has that right and it should be respected. But she hasn't said that--she said she was pregnant. She freely gave the public that information, made public appearances looking pregnant, and if some fans notice that she very much appears not to be pregnant on occasion, I don't think it's realistic to expect them never to talk about that. Nor do I think they have a moral obligation to refuse to speak of the folding stomach, or the inconsistent due dates. I myself don't spend a lot of time with pop culture gossip, and I don't have an opinion or any real interest in forming one, but I can see how some folks would be really interested in the folding stomach video (which, honestly, is pretty compelling) and want to discuss it.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:12 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Inconsistent due dates" and a "conflict" between saying you're 4 months pregnant or 5 months pregnant are proof that people don't know how pregnancy works.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:14 AM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


James Hewitt is still Prince Harry's father, right?
posted by asockpuppet at 10:14 AM on April 15, 2015


With the stomach thing, I almost wonder if:

1. She WAS pregnant

2. But not showing very much because she's a slight woman

3. So she decided to enhance the belly, much like one might do to one's T and/or A, in order (ironically) to stave off rumors that she wasn't pregnant
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:15 AM on April 15, 2015


I don't care if Beyoncé faked her pregnancé, but I am still obsessed with how Sarah Palin faked her pregnancy.

You do realize this puts you on the same level with Obama birthers, right?
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:15 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


thelonius, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, thelonius, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, thelonius, there is a Beyoncé. She exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Beyoncé! It would be as dreary as if there were no theloniusesuses. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence.

We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Beyoncé! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the channels during prime time to catch Beyoncé, but even if you did not see Beyoncé getting down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Beyoncé, but that is no sign that there is no Beyoncé. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, thelonius, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Beyoncé Thank God! She lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, thelonius, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, she will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
posted by tilde at 10:16 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


That's not a "folding stomach," that's a dress draping over a pregnant belly and the draping is collapsing as she's sitting down. This whole thing is weird.
posted by KathrynT at 10:20 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


Except the folding stomach video isn't compelling at all until someone extracts the tiniest bit and makes stills from it. She's in a maternity dress with a low, tight skirt. She holds the skirt so it doesn't ride up as she sits down. The extra material in the stomach area folds over as she sits.

If it was a fake belly, it wouldn't fold like that anyway! What, Beyonce is going to fake her pregnancy and not get high-quality prosthetics?
posted by muddgirl at 10:21 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I love a good conspiracy theory, but this one was always, simultaneously: (1) Baseless, (2) Tasteless, and (3) No one's business except Beyonce and Jay-Z.

Crazy talk, I know, but listen: maybe we could spend more time on the fact that the powerful are actually colluding for real to secure and perpetuate their control of the global economy at the common expense, and less time on celebrities quote-conspiring-unquote to keep some intimate part of their personal lives intimate and personal.
posted by mhoye at 10:23 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


You do realize this puts you on the same level with Obama birthers, right?
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:15 AM on April 15 [1 favorite +][!]


Why? Anything related to birth is equal?
posted by latkes at 10:25 AM on April 15, 2015


This is all fun and games until someone calls the cops on a woman in Arkansas because they believe her pregnancy isn't panning out as someone thinks it should.
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 10:27 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


All I want to know is who will get divorced first: Beyonce or George Clooney... and I can't find a reputable news source on this vital topic.
posted by ennui.bz at 10:28 AM on April 15, 2015


"Inconsistent due dates" and a "conflict" between saying you're 4 months pregnant or 5 months pregnant are proof that people don't know how pregnancy works.

The more I read about the evidence touted by Trig Truthers, the more I'm convinced that they don't understand how pregnancy and labor work, either. Believers seem to think that every woman's water breaks and after maybe an hour of increasing contractions, she pops out a baby.
posted by muddgirl at 10:32 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Why did I keep my daughter Angel a secret? Because I could. It was surprisingly easy! The closest we came to a leak was when it looked like her secret nanny would get too excited and spill the beans at the Grammys, but fortunately her Uncle Kanye was looking out for her as always.

Also because of all of those op-eds about Blue's hair. She was a damn baby, what the fuck is wrong with you?" --Beyoncé in 2031 probably
posted by kagredon at 10:33 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


The real conspiracy is why certain people are focusing with high-res on her possible progeny. I would think of her more as a real artist if it was actually performance art instead of a real birth. In more advanced cultures, children of celebrities or politicians are completely off-limits.
posted by JJ86 at 10:34 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ugh this whole thing is gross and weird and invasive. Leave Beyoncé's uterus alone.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 10:36 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


This just makes me ill. It's once again the world demanding that a woman have no say in her own body, because we must be somehow convinced that something as personal as a pregnancy is a fit subject to be analyzed and "debunked" somehow. It's another step along the "women are mystical creatures who will try at every turn to trick us with their ways" that takes what happens with and to women's bodies away from the women who inhabit those bodies.
posted by xingcat at 10:38 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


conspiracy theory?

The title of the post makes me feel like there's also uncertainty about whether or not the conspiracy theory itself is real. If there's to be a difference between specific conspiracy theories and the process of conspiracy theorizing, the theorists have to quit this epistemic fractal nonsense. Sort yourselves out, Jesus Christ.
posted by clockzero at 10:39 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


The title of the post makes me feel like there's also uncertainty about whether or not the conspiracy theory itself is real. If there's to be a difference between specific conspiracy theories and the process of conspiracy theorizing, the theorists have to quit this epistemic fractal nonsense. Sort yourselves out, Jesus Christ.

As the title maker, I'm afraid I have no idea what this means.
posted by josher71 at 10:40 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


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