A Comprehensive List of Everything Karl Lagerfeld Hates
April 24, 2015 8:28 AM   Subscribe

 
...because I don't have a Mac?
posted by I-baLL at 8:30 AM on April 24, 2015 [17 favorites]


Since you are unfashionable you will have to settle for looking for everywhere John McCain wants to bomb.
posted by srboisvert at 8:37 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


Pretty much all right, especially sweatpants.
posted by GuyZero at 8:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


The article could have been titled:
This is why Karl Lagerfeld is an asshole.
posted by Flood at 8:43 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


August 2011, Vogue. Sweatpants: "Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants."
posted by OmieWise at 8:44 AM on April 24, 2015 [23 favorites]


I'm thinking we need a supercut of the character "Le Curé" from Diva saying "Je n'aime pas les ascensceurs" and all the other things he doesn't like .

And intercut it with this diva.
posted by adamrice at 8:44 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Karl Lagerfeld seems like such a miserable turdball, but whenever he comes up I need to remind everyone that he is responsible for the most magnificently-named perfume of all time - Liquid Karl.
posted by Ennis Tennyone at 8:45 AM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


So, though I know who he is, I don't really know much about him. I imagine if you took anyone at all and combined every instance of them saying "I hate..." they wouldn't come off very well. So, it's hard to tell. Is he really the asshole this makes him sound like or is the impression of assholery created entirely by the nature of the project?

It's hard to read this and imagine he's not an asshole, for reals. I mean it's not just that he has said "I hate..." a lot, it's his explanations for things he hates. Also, the fact that he's saying these things in interviews, so presumably this is him putting his best foot forward. What does he say when no one has a recorder?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:49 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Give-up-on-life pants!

I have an entire give-up-on-life wardrobe, because I like being comfortable and washing my clothes in the washing machine and not panicking if I spill ranch dressing (aka give-up-on-life sauce) on my clothes.

If I felt compelled to care so much about my appearance and my clothing, I'd probably be as cranky as Karl.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:50 AM on April 24, 2015 [15 favorites]


He's def an asshole. But also good at fashion.
posted by easter queen at 8:53 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also he's so mean it's just hilarious and parodic. I mean, read the ridiculous quotes in this article.
posted by easter queen at 8:55 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


With all respect to my German friends, my experience is that most Hamburgers are about this opinionated and also think most things are crap. Germans are not renowned for their cheery, easygoing style.
posted by GuyZero at 8:56 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


So, though I know who he is, I don't really know much about him. I imagine if you took anyone at all and combined every instance of them saying "I hate..." they wouldn't come off very well. So, it's hard to tell. Is he really the asshole this makes him sound like or is the impression of assholery created entirely by the nature of the project?

I feel like Karl's weirdness can be summed up via his relationship with his cat, who has her own Wikipedia page.

She has two "beloved" maids, Françoise and Marjorie,[10] who tend to Choupette (a task that includes taking care of her hair and other beauty jobs) and keep a diary of her activities and moods for the reference of Lagerfeld and an on-call vet. Of the two maids, Choupette is said to prefer Françoise.[11]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:02 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is my favorite Karl Lagerfeld article. The format really brings it all together nicely. It may be the finest day in the life story ever written. The look into the dire loneliness of his existence brings his nastiness into the proper perspective. And also it's extremely hilarious. May I never be cursed with the ability to live every day of my life exactly how I want.
posted by pekala at 9:04 AM on April 24, 2015 [17 favorites]


It's only tangentially related but I feel an urge to share that there's a Karl Lagerfeld Barbie. I would love Barbies if all their facial expressions were set to "Fuck you" instead of "vacant smile".
posted by billiebee at 9:13 AM on April 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


I actually get a huge kick out of Karl Lagerfeld. He is the only person in the world who can say that he doesn't like fat people, short people, ugly people or intellectual conversations but still seem like an adorable little troll puppet to me.

I would also like a job as a cat servant. I'm already an amateur cat servant, so at least in that case I'd get paid.

Choupette is very pretty. Not as pretty as my cat, but close.
posted by Frowner at 9:13 AM on April 24, 2015 [21 favorites]


Worth it for the chocolate boyfriend link. Not creepy at all. Very sweet.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:15 AM on April 24, 2015


I actually get a huge kick out of Karl Lagerfeld. He is the only person in the world who can say that he doesn't like fat people, short people, ugly people or intellectual conversations but still seem like an adorable little troll puppet to me.

Exactly. He's so bogus that you just... can't take it seriously. Even if there is a dark underside to it. I mean, he says he hates short, ugly men and fat, ugly girls, but he also says he has 300 iPods. ?????
posted by easter queen at 9:17 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Noooooooo, not even a little bit creepy! Yes, far more people should make things like this! Totes....adorbs.
posted by Frowner at 9:17 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Karl Lagerfeld is like a Bond supervillain with only sartorial aspirations.
posted by zippy at 9:34 AM on April 24, 2015 [48 favorites]


With all respect to my German friends, my experience is that most Hamburgers are about this opinionated and also think most things are crap.

Without comment, here are two links: 1, 2
posted by Sys Rq at 9:37 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


I would hate to work for him, but I pretty much have no use for the entire fashion industry so he doesn't seem more hateful than the rest. Maybe more honest, but then fashion is a business built on hating the human body in its natural state. He just hates lots of other things also. Which gives him the virtue of being entertaining.

He's the kind of person that makes you want to dance around him wearing sweatpants and singing "I'm soooo comfortable! I love myself! Yay!"
posted by emjaybee at 9:42 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


I don't know, honestly, if Lagerfeld is an asshole or not. What he is, though, is an absolutely fascinating person who lives life entirely on his own terms. I think he's also a hell of a lot smarter than most give him credit for. Also, kind of intensely tragic and alone.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:43 AM on April 24, 2015 [15 favorites]


Who's Karl Lagerfeld?

I didn't know, either, because I do not give anything resembling a shit about the things he's well-known for. Apparently, he's a bizarre-looking man who judges other people on their appearance, and seems to hate a lot of things, including himself.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 9:46 AM on April 24, 2015


I drink Diet Coke from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed. I can even drink it in the middle of the night, and I can sleep.

Karl and I might be related.
posted by maxwelton at 9:46 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


April 2014, BBC. When men cross their legs and you can see their socks and leg hair: “I like socks, but only up to the knee. I hate nothing more than when men cross their legs, and you see hairy legs, socks and pants – the worst. The worst!”
Stopped clock, etc.
posted by griphus at 9:50 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


...will have the same weird hangup as you, twice a day?
posted by Sys Rq at 10:00 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


What he is, though, is an absolutely fascinating person who lives life entirely on his own terms. I think he's also a hell of a lot smarter than most give him credit for. Also, kind of intensely tragic and alone.

If you have not read The Beautiful Fall, which is full of exceedingly memorable biographical information about both Lagerfeld and Saint Laurent, plus many big fashion names of the seventies and eighties, you totally should. Unless the book is missing a whole dimension of happy loving fun times in his life, Lagerfeld does seem like an intensely tragic and alone person who was rather badly used when young. Also very smart. I mean, not the world's cuddliest bunny, but if one has to have famous villains, I'd infinitely prefer Lagerfeld to, say, Kissinger.
posted by Frowner at 10:15 AM on April 24, 2015 [11 favorites]


If I were going to BS-armchair-psychoanalyze I think there is something kind of interesting about how revolted he seems to be by mundane aspects of the human body, and how even his personal style seems to reflect that by wrapping every inch of his skin in something more "chic" (the high neck, the gloves...).
posted by en forme de poire at 10:20 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


Lagerfeld and Heino must be related somehow.
posted by pracowity at 10:34 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


No way he comes across as an asshole in most of these witty remarks... I came here to snark at this ridiculous guy, but with lines like "the worst is ugly, short men" and "I am physically allergic to flip-flops" the dude is more entertaining than the Zoolander sequel will be.

It's Oscar Wilde and Noel Gallagher gone a shade darker.
posted by colie at 10:49 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


I think I hate Karl Lagerfeld.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:54 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


the dude is more entertaining than the Zoolander sequel will be.

yeah but so is shower mould
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:55 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
That's what Karl Lagerfeld hates!

Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Cut the cloth and tread on the fat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bawl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if any are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Karl Lagerfeld hates!

So carefully, carefully with the plates!
posted by Naberius at 10:57 AM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


yeah but so is shower mould

Pistols at a really, really, ridiculously early hour, sir.
posted by zippy at 11:00 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


The duel must be fought not with pistols but with Blue Steel.
posted by colie at 11:01 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


I wish that the fashion-haters of Metafilter could come up with a better hot take than "I don't know anything about this nor do I care but here I am to say it's stupid".
posted by padraigin at 11:02 AM on April 24, 2015 [30 favorites]


well it was either that or 'damning with faint praise'

I just can't stand Ben Stiller in anything

I wish that the fashion-haters of Metafilter could come up with a better hot take than "I don't know anything about this nor do I care but here I am to say it's stupid".

your favourite couture house sucks
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:03 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Lagerfeld isn't bad at the arrogant catty weirdo asshole thing, exactly, but I feel like he's trying a bit too hard to reach the level which Udo Kier is at innately. There's just no contest.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:07 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


choupette is wonderful!
posted by nadawi at 11:23 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


I find the world less painful to experience when I imagine that disagreeable people are actually conducting extremely long form performance art.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 11:30 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


I read the comments first, and then read the article. I expected to hate Karl Lagerfeld.

Then I realized I agree with a LOT of what he hates.... not all of it, but definitely a lot.

*Selfies
*People who touch me without permission
*Telephones
*Unprofessional people
*New Years Eve
*Manicures
*Rich people trying to be Communists

Then I found out he loves his Cat, and now I really quite love him. (I wouldn't let him see me in my sweatpants though.... he might think I've given up on life or something!)
posted by JenThePro at 11:33 AM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


Meetings: "I don’t do meetings. At Chanel, there are no meetings. At Chanel, we do what we want, whenever we want and it works. And Fendi is the same."

Oh hey everybody Karl Lagerfeld invented holacracy
posted by penduluum at 11:34 AM on April 24, 2015 [8 favorites]


On former friend and Chanel muse, Inès de la Fressange: 'I wish her all the luck in the world, just so long as I don't have to see her anymore or hear her spoken about.'

Hahahaha
posted by easter queen at 11:35 AM on April 24, 2015 [10 favorites]


I wish that the fashion-haters of Metafilter could come up with a better hot take than "I don't know anything about this nor do I care but here I am to say it's stupid".

Challenge accepted! This would be more satisfying on all levels if this guy were like a Pete Best figure who got kicked out of Kraftwerk, not a fashion designer,.
posted by thelonius at 11:37 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


Nicely done, thelonius.
posted by padraigin at 11:38 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Pete Best would have been great in Kraftwerk. Listen to his petrified repetitive Beatles recordings and he's like the opposite of Ringo's random left-handed-on-a-right-handed-kit type of humanity.
posted by colie at 11:41 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh Karl, you're everything I long to be
posted by bitteroldman at 11:50 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


I find it incredibly fascinating when people have attained a level of wealth and success and fame that allow them to basically do and say whatever the hell they want.
Karl is obviously there. And this is him being his full self with no consideration for others. And I love to look at that.
It is fun wondering what other people would be like if they didn't have to worry about backlash or other people's feelings or anything. I'd probably be terrible!

There just aren't that many people in the world who have this kind of untouchable life and it is so interesting to me to get glimpses of what it is like. I think that is the basis for a lot of the "crazy rich people" reality shows, but this man is such a more fascinating character than most of those.

Anyway, I liked this link and I wouldn't even dream of being offended by his weirdo thoughts about the crap he hates because they are coming from another world, one in which he is an untouchable king and one that has pretty much nothing to do with the world in which we all live.
posted by rmless at 11:51 AM on April 24, 2015 [11 favorites]


Why not just read every single Karl Lagerfeld interview ever and wear out both the "command" and "F" keys searching for every single instance in which he's literally uttered the word "hate"?

Because Python.
posted by unmake at 11:51 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


What he is, though, is an absolutely fascinating person who lives life entirely on his own terms

I don't find him fascinating at all, but I do feel horribly sorry for him. The old "hurt people hurt people" thing. I don't know anything about his youth, but something shaped him into this frightened, rule-bound, hating and self-hating person.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:52 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


lagerfield's whole schitck is this untouchable prickly ossified Litch King persona, no one else can touch for memorable mean quips.
posted by The Whelk at 12:00 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


This piece about Lagerfeld was also fascinating (and terrifying) (and amusing) to read.

"Gloriously Nuts" indeed.
posted by schmod at 12:09 PM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


My relationship with my cat is a lot like my relationship with fashion. Mostly I like her but I also have to put up with her shit.
posted by srboisvert at 12:10 PM on April 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


Lager man can't be like a reality TV rich people thing. Where are Kim Kardashian's or Ozzy Osborne's really memorable 'mean quips'? I think the appeal with those shows is to see just how much rich people are exactly like us - not witty or devilish or crazy at all, but deadly dull and ultimately at the mercy of the market's whims.
posted by colie at 12:11 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sweatpants are for after eating approximately your own weight in chocolate, cast in the form of your lover.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:21 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, but Lagerfeld doesn't seem to be deliberately seeking [that kind of] attention.

The Kardashians and Osbornes crafted their personas to attract attention, produce an entertaining piece of television, and struggle to stay relevant.

Lagerfeld has clearly crafted his public persona (I contest that anybody involved in high fashion can be "living on their own terms"), but his goals and motives are fascinatingly opaque.
posted by schmod at 12:23 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sometimes we all need sweatpants.
posted by schmod at 12:23 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I wonder if he hates not having a more expansive/expressive vocabulary.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:43 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


the man whose bathroom i am tiling has a black lagerfeld jacket. it looks pretty much like any black cotton jacket although the sewing is a little better than what you would get at Walmart, some fancy construction around the pockets, etc. it's not a particularly elegant fashion statement, it cost $600 dollars mainly because of the "karl" zipper pulls.

that's what karl lagerfeld does. he's a brand, like the kardashians. it's about post-ironic pure status objects that are completely banal. so, on the one hand it appeals to bourgeois aspirational buyers because the clothes are completely conventional yet signal "fashion", but then you can turn around and sell the post-ironic pose, laughing at the bourgeois status seekers while wearing the same clothes.

so the bitchiness is all part of the brand. i wish i could organize a troop of nasty short hairy men wearing shorts and knee socks with the hair sticking through to follow him around Paris.
posted by ennui.bz at 12:50 PM on April 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


It's true, JenThePro - all signs point to Karl being an incurable and very serious romantic idealist at heart.

The body and food stuff is interesting. I remembering hearing David Lynch saying similar things about food in an interview - something about hating spaces with open kitchens, because he didn't want his ideas polluted with chicken grease. I think it's interesting that they both lean to a highly stylized, formal aesthetic. (ok done making spurious associations)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:52 PM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


I wish there was a Karl Lagerfeld action figure. And a lunchbox.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:59 PM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


all signs point to Karl being an incurable and very serious romantic idealist at heart.

which is to say that he is banal as the clothes he sells.
posted by ennui.bz at 1:23 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Stepping back from the armchair psychology for a hot minute, I think there's a lot be said about the cultural forces that produce such views and expressions. I find myself wondering, is this what happens when you combine German work-culture, cult-of-personality designer mythos, and the world of high fashion? Sprinkle in a dash of unresolved trauma with the insulating power of wealth and you get Karl Lagerfeld.

It reminds me of this moment in the Helvetica documentary. Pretty much every designer that gets interviewed in the documentary is basically OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE HELVETICA KISS KISS and then the camera lands on this German designer (coincidence?) named Erik Spiekermann who drops this delicious little quote:
Most people who use Helvetica, use it because it’s ubiquitous. It’s like going to McDonald’s instead of thinking about food. Because it’s there, it’s on every street corner, so let’s eat crap because it’s on the corner.
When I first heard that I thought, man, this Spiekermann guy is kind of a dick, everyone's going on about how great this font is and he's like well, actually it's a bad font and people should feel bad for using it. It's basically the sweat pants of type design. But then I go check him out and realize that he has valid and well-informed reasons for saying something like that...and I kind of agree with him! If you ever see an interview with him he comes off as very abrupt, a bit impatient and snotty but ultimately CORRECT in the majority of his expressions.

Having worked with a fair number of Germans (at Lufthansa, Germanwings, also my father-in-law) this kind of speaking strikes me as largely cultural. The asessment of ideas and practices is so matter-of-fact, and using words like "I hate this" or "unacceptable" or "this is crap" is so common they almost start to lose meaning.

Now take these basic, ostensibly cultural attitudes, so commonplace in the German working culture, and add the highly critical and capricious world of high fashion. Let a lonely and tragic figure marinate in this stew for more than thirty years, while continuing to pile upon him the alienating forces of money, adulation, abuse, and public gawking. Is it any wonder Karl Lagerfeld talks like this?
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:35 PM on April 24, 2015 [19 favorites]


I wonder if he hates not having a more expansive/expressive vocabulary.


Probably not. He is fluent in four languages.
posted by peripathetic at 1:36 PM on April 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


Karl Lagerfield's Berlitz language tape:

"New vocabulary word: sweatpants. Please follow along as we conjugate.

I hate sweatpants.

You wear sweatpants.

He/she/it is short and ugly and wears sweatpants."
posted by zippy at 1:40 PM on April 24, 2015 [8 favorites]


the people I was going out with are dead or don't exist anymore

I do not understand the conjunction in that sentence.
posted by congen at 2:03 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


some of Karl's exes are cursed to eternally roam the trackless wastes of the Null Plane
posted by theodolite at 2:20 PM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


I wish there was a Karl Lagerfeld action figure.

Ahem
posted by like_neon at 2:26 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I read it as people can change, sometimes drastically. In a sense, the person you loved no longer exists.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:27 PM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Also the my little pony character Hoity Toity is clearly based on Lagerfeld, without the Euro accent. I gleefully bought one for my kids.
posted by pekala at 2:40 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yeah, totally, starting with that 2008 Prestige interview, I liked him better and better... Selfies! Flip Flops! Traveling! The term "muse"!

And then.

He ruined it, our wonderful symbiotic relationship.

Dead in the water.

He hates rice.

Oh Karl, it would have been so beautiful. All cats, no touching. But I can't live without rice.
posted by janey47 at 3:13 PM on April 24, 2015 [8 favorites]


Did they include his radio show on GTA?
posted by Ideefixe at 4:48 PM on April 24, 2015


Coupla Lagerfeld factoids:
He was extremely heavy, over 130 kilos, until a few years ago, while working in an industry that idealizes anorexic men and women.
Since his weight loss, he keeps broken up dark chocolate around his homes and work areas, just for the smell.
The last enchants me.
posted by Dreidl at 4:59 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


The smell of what? Ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Buy a freakin' Plug-In, Karl.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:35 PM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: All cats, no touching.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:37 PM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


Has anyone considered the possibility that Karl Lagerfeld is a cat?
posted by atoxyl at 6:48 PM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


If Karl Lagerfeld didn't exist, Werner Herzog would have to invent him.

I don't judge your sad obsessions, okay?
posted by pxe2000 at 7:07 PM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


Reading that, my brain couldn't help but automatically go to this Kids in the Hall skit: The Darcy Pennell Show: Fashions For Ugly Women.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:19 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Has anyone considered the possibility that Karl Lagerfeld is a cat?

If I think of him as a cat, I like him a lot better.

What was that quote out of Out of Africa that compared someone to a cat, saying, in part, So-&-so "had no principles, but a surprising stock of prejudices..."


EDIT: The whole phrase because I was compelled to look it up:

"If Berkeley had come and sat with you upon the smoking ruin of your house, he would, like a cat, have made you feel that you were in a picked snug corner. When he was at his ease you expected to hear him purr, like a big cat, and when he was sick, it was more than sad and distressing, it was formidable as is the sickness of a cat. He had no principles, but a surprising stock of prejudices, as you would expect it in a cat."

posted by small_ruminant at 10:35 PM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


This reminds me of Sophia Lamar (WARNING! Screaming auto-play audio and NSFW on the inner pages) - I'm not sure if she is still doing the segments online where she riffs for ten minutes on things she hates (they are legion), but it is a thing of beauty to listen to it. Her Twitter feed has flashes of amazing like this.
posted by Tchad at 7:23 AM on April 25, 2015


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