"WHOA!"
May 23, 2015 6:34 PM   Subscribe

 
Maybe, but I can only hope his career isn't.

Still pissed about the Constantine movie
posted by Samizdata at 6:44 PM on May 23, 2015


This cracks me up.
I am one of those people who never ages--I don't know where the hell the pics of me from my teen years are, but you pretty much wouldn't be able to tell the difference, and I do get mistaken for being a teenager. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference myself except for my legal ID and the occasional chin hairs now. But I pretty much attribute it to being short and having a fat head, and Keanu has none of those factors. So that makes it even more impressive.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:45 PM on May 23, 2015


Still pissed about the Constantine movie

Funny, I liked the Constantine movie, but I had never heard of Constantine or Hellblazer before the movie, so...
posted by Huck500 at 6:49 PM on May 23, 2015 [10 favorites]


Still pissed about the Constantine movie

You need to watch John Wick because that was a god damn entertaining film and it has already been confirmed for a part 2. I want more of that style of action film. And that role was perfectly cast with Keanu.
posted by Fizz at 6:49 PM on May 23, 2015 [15 favorites]


Samizdata: "Still pissed about the Constantine movie"

On preview: What Fizz said.

Plus, what about Speed? Or Speed 2 (AKA The Lake House).
posted by bigendian at 6:52 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Actually, I recommend the Constantine movie but only the parts with Tilda Swinton.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:53 PM on May 23, 2015 [14 favorites]


And if you want to see Keanu ACTING REAL GOOD, watch The Gift, although he's a totally unsympathetic character.
posted by Huck500 at 6:55 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I will defend the Constantine movie. Although I will caveat that by saying I can't read most of the Hellblazer comics because those images get stuck behind my eyeballs when I try to sleep at night. Anyway. It's a really fun movie and I love just about everybody in it and it's really pretty to look at and it more or less launched me into modern fandom because I learned to make Livejournal icons because of it.

Also, Point Break. And I need to see John Wick.
posted by PussKillian at 6:56 PM on May 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


There's only one way to know for sure...
posted by blue_beetle at 6:56 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


bigendian: "Samizdata: "Still pissed about the Constantine movie"

On preview: What Fizz said.

Plus, what about Speed? Or Speed 2 (AKA The Lake House).
"

What movie called Speed? No one could be idiotic enough to have Keanu be a bad ass cop talking about shooting through the victim.

My distaste for the Constantine movie is taking a character the creator has demonstrably said was physically based on Sting and making it Keanu, because greed.

Seriously? Raggedy Ann as a brunette? David Prowse as a leprechaun? Lisabeth Salander played by a popular male actor?
posted by Samizdata at 7:00 PM on May 23, 2015


Constantine on a rewatch is surprisingly good if you don't expect it to be about the comic book character. The Flophouse podcast is also in favor of it under that condition so it's basically a law of the universe now.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:06 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Speed rules

"Don't get dead."

That's the only advice you need in life
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:10 PM on May 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


OnTheLastCastle: "Constantine on a rewatch is surprisingly good if you don't expect it to be about the comic book character. The Flophouse podcast is also in favor of it under that condition so it's basically a law of the universe now."

I grok that in fullness, and I really do dig Tilda and Peter in it, but I just can't make that break.
posted by Samizdata at 7:10 PM on May 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


He is not immortal. He has a phone booth time machine. DUH.

*air guitar*
posted by Kabanos at 7:16 PM on May 23, 2015 [22 favorites]


But what if Keanu IS Constantine!?!!

*mind blown*
posted by Fizz at 7:17 PM on May 23, 2015


He's...taller.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:21 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Actually, I recommend the Constantine movie but only the parts with Tilda Swinton.

She's great, but come on. Peter Stormare shows up and steals the entire goddamn movie. He should be prosecuted for grand theft awesome.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2015 [36 favorites]


Constantine is a pretty good movie that's pretty great in bits and its only major flaw is not being a great Hellblazer movie but it totally works despite not living up to the source material (and none of that's Keanu's fault). And Peter Stormare in Constantine is the best movie devil ever.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:25 PM on May 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


Plus, what about Speed? Or Speed 2 (AKA The Lake House).

Keanu was smart enough to not do Speed 2: The Slow One.
posted by skynxnex at 7:31 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Shakespearean Actor Keyanu Reeves
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:36 PM on May 23, 2015


Actually, I recommend the Constantine movie but only the parts with Tilda Swinton.

Keanu gets an unjust amount of shit, but: It would have been far better to cast Swinton as Constantine. I would pay cash money to see her in a good Hellblazer movie.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:37 PM on May 23, 2015 [10 favorites]


Pretty nostalgic, I remember when like 90% of the Internet was stuff like this.
posted by davros42 at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


Constantine was an extremely good-looking movie; the director and cinematographer deserve some praise. But the script was mostly incomprehensible, especially by the end. The same could be said about John Wick, but the latter's director is far less talented. He wanted a drama and "over the top" action and neither worked.

Speed is pure awesome, full stop.
posted by zardoz at 7:45 PM on May 23, 2015


Constantine is a movie about the theological chess game being played by Tilda Swinton, Djimon Hounsou, and Peter Stomare; in which Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, the guy from Bush, and Shia LaBeouf just happen to feature.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:46 PM on May 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Honestly I don't even care about his acting ability, Keanu gets my love for reportedly just being an exceptionally down-to-earth, generous dude who treats people well.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:49 PM on May 23, 2015 [29 favorites]


WHAT IF KEANU PLANTED THOSE PICTURES


TO MAKE US ALL THINK HE'S IMMORTAL
posted by kagredon at 7:55 PM on May 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


Constantine is a movie about the theological chess game being played by Tilda Swinton, Djimon Hounsou, and Peter Stomare; in which Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, the guy from Bush, and Shia LaBeouf just happen to feature.

So, like The Seventh Seal? I'm genuinely curious oknotreally
posted by alex_skazat at 8:12 PM on May 23, 2015


No one could be idiotic enough to have Keanu be a bad ass cop talking about shooting through the victim.

Well, he was rumored to have been considered for the lead in the Robocop remake.
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:22 PM on May 23, 2015


At 50 he's finally starting to get a little grey in his beard.

Or that's coloring in preparation for faking his death for the 133rd time and resurfacing 6 months later as a soulful cowboy in Argentina.
posted by T.D. Strange at 8:42 PM on May 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


There's only one way to know for sure...

Nnnnn... nuke the Keanu... from... ooorbit?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:45 PM on May 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Speed 3: The Quickening.
posted by cazoo at 8:52 PM on May 23, 2015


I LIKED CONSTANTINE.

Capslock because the internet has told me that this is a bad opinion and I should feel bad. It's an adaptation, Keanu isn't going to break into your house and steal your old copies of Hellblazer. But if he did, I would start buying comics.
posted by betweenthebars at 9:04 PM on May 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


What about that movie he was in about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode? I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
posted by uosuaq at 9:14 PM on May 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


As immortals go, Keanu Reeves is one of the better ones. The Comte de Saint Germain certainly hasn't made any classic movies, and Merlin is stuck in a cave so he can't inspire Internet memes. Keannu's got them all beat.
posted by Kevin Street at 9:17 PM on May 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


I did stumble across a photo that made me wonder about David Boreanaz.
posted by PussKillian at 9:22 PM on May 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Shakespearean Actor Keanu Reeves


Hahaha yeah. My Mom does an amazing impression of Keanu in various Shakespeare plays. Mostly Hamlet. Mostly when at least one person in the room has a mouthful of wine.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:04 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


WHAT IF KEANU PLANTED THOSE PICTURES


TO MAKE US ALL THINK HE'S IMMORTAL


Nah, Keanu's a much deeper cove. He planted those pictures on that cruddy 90s-style website to ridicularize the very thought he might be immortal so it becomes a silly internet joke, allowing him to carry on being immortal UNDER OUR VERY NOSES.

WAKE UP KEAPULE!
posted by chavenet at 2:51 AM on May 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Seems legit.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:54 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


At 50 he's finally starting to get a little grey in his beard.

He's just about a month younger than I am and my beard has quite a bit more than "a little gray" in it.
posted by octothorpe at 3:11 AM on May 24, 2015


He doesn't age because he never changes expression. Not in any role. Ever.

(And I loved Constantine - Tilda Swanson and Peter Stormare as the best Satan ever)
posted by greenhornet at 3:50 AM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


My Own Private Idaho is Keanu's best Shakespeare performance thus far.
posted by humanfont at 4:53 AM on May 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


Don't you mean "PEANU KEYES"??
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:55 AM on May 24, 2015


When I watched John Wick my understanding of the plot was simply that he was a retired assassin, some guys broke in and killed his dog in the process prompting him to go on a killing spree in revenge. Knowing just this much about the movie I thought to myself, "Yes, that is a rational and reasonable response to some bad guys killing your dog. Anyone would do the same."

SPOILER ALERT

Then we watched the movie and found out that it was just a puppy and, not only that, but it was a puppy that the guy's wife had gotten for him and had set it up to be delivered after she had died from cancer. Those extra details....didn't help the bad guy's case. But it did make it very satisfying to watch Keanu chew through them.

I hope the plot of the next one is just that he discovered that there is another branch of the same criminal organization from the first one in another city and goes to finish the job.

Head bad guy in sequel: Who are you? Why are you doing all of this?

John Wick: Your LA Counter-part's son killed the puppy my wife gave me from beyond the grave after she died of cancer.

Head bad guy: I see, carry on.
posted by VTX at 6:48 AM on May 24, 2015 [8 favorites]


John Wick was much better than I thought it would be, and Keanu is the greatest. If you're reading this, dude, we should totally hang out. You can teach me to surf.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:29 AM on May 24, 2015


This interview with Keanu Reeves is one of my favorite things. You just can't get any more chill than this.
posted by maskd at 8:24 AM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Keanu plays a legitimately interesting side character in Thumbsucker. Plus there's a Tilda Swinton in it.
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:43 AM on May 24, 2015


zardoz: "Constantine was an extremely good-looking movie; the director and cinematographer deserve some praise. But the script was mostly incomprehensible, especially by the end. The same could be said about John Wick, but the latter's director is far less talented. He wanted a drama and "over the top" action and neither worked.

Speed is pure awesome, full stop.
"

FTFY.
posted by Samizdata at 11:05 AM on May 24, 2015


(P.S. I DID like Man of Tai Chi, BTW.)
posted by Samizdata at 11:09 AM on May 24, 2015


Saw the Keanu FPP, came for the Constantine discussion, not disappointed.
posted by M Edward at 11:50 AM on May 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


I read recently that Keanu broke his back in a movie and that's why he turns stiffly. That justifies - to me - so much of his stiffness.
posted by bendy at 12:32 PM on May 24, 2015


M Edward: "Saw the Keanu FPP, came for the Constantine discussion, not disappointed."

Glad I could oblige, or rather it depends on where you stand...
posted by Samizdata at 1:50 PM on May 24, 2015


That cool new sci-fi novel that you've recently read, the one you think would make such a cool movie? Keanu has just read it too, and he's already talking up a script. He loved that story, just like you, and he's going to star in that movie and fuck it up.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:20 PM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


And Peter Stormare in Constantine is the best movie devil ever.

Well you just ruined the rest of my weekend, now I'm going to have to re-watch Constantine and The Prophecy to see if Peter Stormare really beats Viggo Mortenson's ultra-creepy performance as Lucifer.
posted by TungstenChef at 2:30 PM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


No one could be idiotic enough to have Keanu be a bad ass cop talking about shooting through the victim.

What about casting him as a modern-day Don Draper in Sweet November?

"It's a hot dog!"
posted by HillbillyInBC at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2015


Well you just ruined the rest of my weekend, now I'm going to have to re-watch Constantine and The Prophecy to see if Peter Stormare really beats Viggo Mortenson's ultra-creepy performance as Lucifer.

Oh jeez. Now I need to know this too.
posted by rifflesby at 2:47 PM on May 24, 2015


I read recently that Keanu broke his back in a movie and that's why he turns stiffly. That justifies - to me - so much of his stiffness.

The version of this I read was that he told someone that when he was young he had to have a couple vertebrae in his neck fused, so that he can't really turn his neck to look at someone -- instead he swivels his torso. And he said (as I recall) "it makes me look 'dynamic', which I guess is why they cast me in action movies." If that story is true, it sounds charmingly modest.
posted by uosuaq at 3:21 PM on May 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


That cool new sci-fi novel that you've recently read, the one you think would make such a cool movie? Keanu has just read it too, and he's already talking up a script. He loved that story, just like you, and he's going to star in that movie and fuck it up.

No room service for you!
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 3:21 PM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I didn't know that he had passed along millions of his salary to others. That's cool.
posted by Atreides at 3:23 PM on May 24, 2015


that cool new sci-fi novel that you've recently read, the one you think would make such a cool movie? Keanu has just read it too, and he's already talking up a script. He loved that story, just like you, and he's going to star in that movie and fuck it up.

I read this on #chillsitchouttakes
posted by uosuaq at 3:26 PM on May 24, 2015


Coincidentally, they did a feature about him on CBS SUNDAY MORNING today; among the other things they discussed, his giving away money came up in conversation, and he started waving his hands all "please let's not talk about that". He seemed to sincerely not want people to focus on that, because he considers it a private thing and not a big deal.

Strangely, the thing he seemed most excited to talk about was a new custom-design motorcycle company he's started.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:28 PM on May 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Coincidentally, they did a feature about him on CBS SUNDAY MORNING today; among the other things they discussed, his giving away money came up in conversation, and he started waving his hands all "please let's not talk about that". He seemed to sincerely not want people to focus on that, because he considers it a private thing and not a big deal.

Seriously, if one random person on Earth right now were to become immortal, we could do a lot worse than Keanu Reeves.

Also, I really liked A Scanner Darkly.
posted by IAmUnaware at 3:37 PM on May 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


The documentary he did, Side by Side is a pretty fascinating look at the current state of cinema as it transitions to all digital.
posted by octothorpe at 4:38 PM on May 24, 2015


I've watched the extra features on the DVD of The Matrix and he is wearing a neck brace when he is rehearsing the fight scene with Lawrence Fishburn. They mention that it was tough because he was still recovering from the surgery to fuse vertebrae in his neck.

I suppose it's possible that he'd had different vertebrae fused some time before that but I'm certain that he'd had it done before doing The Matrix.

I wonder if I watched some his movies from before then if he turned his neck more or torso less?
posted by VTX at 5:33 PM on May 24, 2015


Aw dang! I am just about to head to Tokyo, with one of my to-do list items being to visit Keanu's grave from 47 Ronin.
posted by Metro Gnome at 3:11 AM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sengakuji is actually my go to recommendation for people looking for something to do in Tokyo. There's a good museum with a surprising amount of English information. They had to move Keanu's grave after the movie came out to a more private location because of all of the crowds.

I, too, liked Constantine. It's not perfect, but it's got a lot more to it than any major Hollywood studio making a movie about a damned man fighting heaven and hell to rescue innocents had any right to be. Swinton is amazing, though the devil will always look and sound like Peter Stomare to me now.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:49 AM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


« Older This is Richard. His parents are doing OK.   |   "10 points go to ... Sweden!" Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments