A Disgusting Invertebrate or Globular Mass Presented as Weird Food

June 5, 2015 5:09 AM

A Complete Taxonomy of Internet Chum (John Mahoney for The Awl)
posted by box (33 comments total)

How to turn you baby into content? I am more interested in the reverse transformation.
posted by telstar at 5:20 AM on June 5, 2015

Let's only post about the internal chum at the bottom of this article (this Choire evisceration of Entourage is horromazing)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:34 AM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

But--I think of everyone here as my internet chums!
posted by librosegretti at 6:14 AM on June 5, 2015 [4 favorites]

I feel like I was just tricked into looking at a lot of chum.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:34 AM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Some of this stuff is also down to the weird choices of a few individual companies that seem to spend their entire advertising budget on chum and sponsored articles on clickbait sites to link the chum to. Like when Mahoney says that "Wine. The only booze seen in chumboxes is wine for some reason." - that's true, but not only is always wine, it's always ads for that same stupid Lot18 wine of the month club thing.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 6:56 AM on June 5, 2015

Part of the reason I use adblock is because of all the goddamn ads that are clearly attempts to trigger tryptophobia. Shudder.
posted by NoraReed at 7:18 AM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

Part of the reason I use adblock is because of all the goddamn ads that are clearly attempts to trigger tryptophobia. Shudder.

Yep, me too. I get rather disturbed by these ads for hours after seeing them even momentarily.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 7:27 AM on June 5, 2015

One of the many things I like about this article is that it gave me a few new sites to add to my AdBlock blacklist.
posted by box at 7:28 AM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

So, one they missed, is the lab-grown clear circular blob with arteries or something in someone's palm that is always presented as some sort of synthesized testosterone. What the fuck is that? I want to know, but obviously I can't click on it. And I am certainly not stupid enough to Google it.
posted by almostmanda at 7:51 AM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

This one weird trick.
And see what happened.
You won't believe.
This Grandma found out.
What the (x) won't tell you.
Celebrity secrets.
posted by Oyéah at 8:00 AM on June 5, 2015 [5 favorites]

If I click on enough chum do I get this new Lamborghini and a garage full of books?
posted by lagomorphius at 8:20 AM on June 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

I haven't ever heard the word chum used like this, did this article invent it? I like the idea of us internet clickers as sharks.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:30 AM on June 5, 2015

You ain't my chum, buddy.
posted by Splunge at 9:20 AM on June 5, 2015

The article kind of peters out into nothing, but I did take away two things of use:

1.) External confirmation that the upskirt "Don't wear these things in your 30s" box is really as ubiquitous as it seems.

2.) Mahoney uses the word "chummer," bringing us one step closer to our pre-destined Shadowrun future.
posted by greenland at 10:01 AM on June 5, 2015

Wait I wanna know what celebs are secretly gay...
*clicks jpeg*
oh. Duh.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:14 AM on June 5, 2015

A few times a week for probably the past year, I complain to someone about "all those weird gross skin ads at the bottom of online articles." I've been wanting this article for a long time.
posted by msbrauer at 10:20 AM on June 5, 2015

Bill Hicks accurately summarizes my feelings about this.
posted by Ratio at 10:23 AM on June 5, 2015

The horror... the horror...
posted by gern at 10:27 AM on June 5, 2015

Note to self for book idea: "So, You Want To Be A Marketing Slut."

All about building better ad-barfers . . .
posted by RoseyD at 12:00 PM on June 5, 2015

I haven't ever heard the word chum used like this, did this article invent it?

Nope - it's a fishing term. So is the original meaning of "troll" - it's called "trolling" when you dangle a baited hook and line off the back of the boat and pilot it baaaaack and fooooooorth through the same patch of water, trying to entice a fish to bite. "Chum" is indeed what the author says; you dump a bunch of cut-up fish bits into the water to lure other fish into the area ("woo free food!") and then you throw your own hook into the middle.

(sharks aren't the only carnivorous fish - my Grandpa used to use chum sometimes when we were going for bluefish.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:23 PM on June 5, 2015

And like almostmanda, I too want to know what that gelatinous-blob-with-tentacles thing is too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:23 PM on June 5, 2015

I'm confused by the tryptophobia ones. What's the idea? I certainly don't have the same reaction other people do, but I see them and they look kind of gross, so I'm definitely not clicking. I imagine that people with genuine tryptophobia aren't clicking either.

Who are the people this triggers a click-reaction in?

I'm asking genuinely, particularly because many of the other chum formulations, sadly enough, do make me consider clicking for a moment before I remember my internet survival skills.
posted by 256 at 12:36 PM on June 5, 2015

That GNC Testosterone palm thinger is...

A jellyfish. (I got it from this blog post which demystifies some other common weird stock photos used to flog questionable goods.)
posted by porpoise at 12:39 PM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Omigod Porpoise, that site is AWESOME and also finally satisfied my wondering what the hell this thing is.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:25 PM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nope - it's a fishing term.

Yah, I know it's a fishing term...? I'm asking if the author invented this use of the fishing term for those clickbait boxes.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:41 PM on June 5, 2015

BLESS YOU PORPOISE
posted by almostmanda at 2:49 PM on June 5, 2015

If anyone has a link where the woman with the onion armpit tattoo explains herself, we would all like to know, I am sure. I couldn't find one.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:09 PM on June 5, 2015

There is only one sort of chum I want to come across on the internet.
posted by ckape at 3:43 PM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Whenever I hear the word "chum", I think of Chet Morton, who is always described that way in the Hardy Boys books. And that last "globular mass presented as food" is neither mysterious nor photoshopped. It is just a horned melon, which is easy to find in most grocery stores here, generally near the kiwi fruit and mangoes. But yeah, all those pictures with a lotus fruit or whatever photoshopped onto a body part are weirdly disgusting.
posted by TedW at 4:02 PM on June 5, 2015

Armpit tattoos (and back of knee tattoos, elbow ditch tattoos, etc.) hurt a lot. Some people like that aspect of it. I don't know if that's the case with onion lady.
posted by box at 5:08 PM on June 5, 2015

You ain't my chum, buddy.

I'm not your buddy, pal.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:35 PM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:47 AM on June 7, 2015

Editorial Unease Rises As Content Ad Links Proliferate along with the rise in Native Advertising: The Marketing Trend That Dare Not Speak Its Name (Unless Required) with comapanies including Outbrain, Taboola Make Their Mark on Online Advertising Industry, battling a bad reputation... and each other. Time Inc. Locks in Outbrain's Headline Recommendations in $100 Million Deal and billion-dollar unicorn Taboola raises money from Baidu.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:43 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]