Lotho Sackville-Baggins does not make the list

June 23, 2015 1:14 PM

The Most Metal Deaths in Middle-earth, Ranked
posted by Chrysostom (43 comments total)

Ugh I really want a Redwall version of this.
posted by chaiminda at 1:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

OK, who's going to match each death with the appropriate metal song? I challenge thee!
posted by gwint at 1:18 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

btw, new High on Fire album is out.
posted by gwint at 1:20 PM on June 23, 2015

In Tolkien’s legendarium, the Sun is a fire-spirit who did not fall. Which means two things: (1) Our Sun is a Balrog...

Dude. The sun is a fruit.
posted by darksasami at 1:21 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Excuse me?

Denethor, Steward of Gondor stared into the Eye of Sauron until he was driven mad, then declared his autonomy and rulership to Gandalf, set a funeral pyre alight, cast himself and his rod of office onto it and burned alive, while attempting to do the same to his son.

THAT is fucking METAL.
posted by delfin at 1:23 PM on June 23, 2015 [31 favorites]

>Dude. The sun is a fruit.


....that is so not metal.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 1:23 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I checked with the Doof Warrior, he said he's not singing about any fucking elves and that is FINAL.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 1:25 PM on June 23, 2015 [12 favorites]

Then he chased me away with his flamethrower guitar.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 1:26 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

Boromir death simulator
posted by schmod at 1:35 PM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

Now I'm looking up Rush lyrics for some inexplicable reason.
posted by swift at 1:36 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

In my capacity as author and publisher of Twee magazine, I will now offer a list of the tweest characters in Middle Earth:

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
posted by maxsparber at 1:40 PM on June 23, 2015 [22 favorites]

Wouldn't the most metal death be dying in the crash of whatever is the Middle Earth equivalent of a tour bus?
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:42 PM on June 23, 2015

This list is excellent and I approve, particularly in the description of Fëanor. Magnificent craftsman, also a total asshole.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:45 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

(Incidentally, even though the rights would be impossible, the story of the Simlarils would have made a fantastic miniseries. Weta would wee themselves with delight over the chance to animate the Host of the Valar going to war.)
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:48 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I was expecting to see Stephen Colbert as the author.
posted by plinth at 1:51 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

In my capacity as author and publisher of Twee magazine, I will now offer a list of the tweest characters in Middle Earth:

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!

I checked with the Doof Warrior, and he will be working with his drummers to update their repertoire.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 1:54 PM on June 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Tolkien wrote that the Elves made no songs of that battle because their grief was too great, though had they known about electric guitars and power chords, they might have given it a shot. Still, the Song of Fingolfin remains the greatest metal song yet unsung.

To Metafilter Music, where I'm sure someone will accept this challenge.
posted by jeffamaphone at 2:01 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit: "This list is excellent and I approve, particularly in the description of Fëanor. Magnificent craftsman, also a total asshole."

I briefly considered, "Fëanor is just the biggest asshole" as this post's title.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:01 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

The most metal slaying must be that of the Witch-King of Angmar by Eowyn.

I nod curtly in approval of this list, but feel that Finrod Felagund, Cave-hewer and Friend of Men, should rank higher. With his bare hands, man!
posted by The Nutmeg of Consolation at 2:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Appropriate that most of them come from the Silmarillion, which happens to be my favorite of Tolkien's works. It's pretty metal for being book essentially about the chain of ownership of some fancy jewelry.
posted by absalom at 2:15 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

>Dude. The sun is a fruit.

....that is so not metal.

The Norwegian band Motorpsycho would beg to differ.
posted by yoink at 2:16 PM on June 23, 2015

I always thought the Silmarillion would be a really weird thing to adapt, but after reading this I can see they just need to make it into a wuxia film directed by Rob Zombie.
posted by selfnoise at 2:23 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nah, the Silamrillion needs at least six seasons on HBO, then a movie.
posted by bonehead at 2:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

There is A LOT to cover in the Silmarillion.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:43 PM on June 23, 2015

Season 1 is the story of the forging of the Silmarils, the destruction of the two trees and ends with Feanor's vow
Season 2 is the breaking of the kindred, the pursuit across the ice, the death of Feanor and the (first) seige of Angband
Season 3 begins with the coming of men, and is mostly the story of Beren and Luthien.
Season 4 is it's tragic end: Huor and Hurin in the first episode, followed by Túrin Turambar, Neinor and Glaurung.
Season 5 is the tragedy of Tuor and Maeglin, the Fall of Gondolin
Season 6 is the final story of the first age: Eärendil and Elwing, with much reference to Season 3.

The movie is the fall of Númenor: Akallabêth.
posted by bonehead at 2:51 PM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

When I was in college, my friends and I were obsessed with the Middle-Earth play-by-mail game. Two teams of 10 each (and 5 neutral players) re-enact the War of the Ring in a couple of different settings by issuing arcane commands like Guard Character, Move Army to Hex, Influence Population, etc. (I'll never forget how excited my friend was when his newly-created character managed to kill one of the Ringwraiths through incredible luck.)

I probably still have the laminated map somewhere, I can't be the only person who pictured it in their head while watching the Lord of the Rings movies.

As the scenarios progressed through the Third Age, characters are weaker as artifacts are lost, empires decline, the strength of Elves fades, but we always wanted to see them tackle the Second Age. Power levels would clearly be over 9000.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:56 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

The Silmarillion could totally work the same way the Marvel Cinematic Universe works: several TV shows with event movies inbetween.

Let's see. I'd say the first chapter is probably best left unfilmed. It's a genesis story that really doesn't lend much in and of itself but could certainly be alluded to in other series and movies. It perhaps serves best as a prologue to the Quenta Silmarillion, which would be an event series (i.e. mini-series though no one wants to call it that these days) mostly about Feanor and his assholeness. The series ends with Feanor's death.

Beren and Luthien is a TV show that could literally run several seasons in six-ten episode story arcs, especially if you center it on Doriath, and start with Thingol and Melian's romance. Inbetween is an event movie concerning the Silmaril, Huan and Charcharoth.

The spinoff of this show is the Children of Hurin which could also be a several season run.

In parallel with some crossover episodes would be Gondolin, centered on Tuor, would be an event series that leads to Earendil, a two part TV movie event. or a theatrical release, which works better since the big movie would be the War of Wrath which destroys Beleriand.

Then you have the two to three season story arc series for the Akallabeth, because we'd like to have this stretched out watching a younger Sauron.

And I'm sure I missed many other possibilities.
posted by linux at 2:57 PM on June 23, 2015

\m/ (-_-) \m/
posted by Guy Smiley at 3:06 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

The Silmarillion can only be portrayed properly as a 12 hour opera performed by torchlight in the original Quenya.
posted by 3urypteris at 3:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

is metal the only word in English that is both noun and adjective at the same time
posted by Sebmojo at 3:45 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Here's my Silmarillion movie franchise and/or TV series seasons, modified from an earlier comment of mine:

Part I: We open on the Noldor, abandoned by Fëanor, crossing the Grinding Ice towards Middle-Earth. They tell each other stories to keep spirits up, so we get Valinor, the Trees, Fëanor, the Silmarils, the Darkening, the Oath, the Kinslaying told in flashback. Climax is the first battle with Morgoth (the Elves win but Fëanor dies); finale is the rescue of Maedhros by Fingon and reconciliation among the Noldor.

Part II: Thingol and Melian; Beren and Lùthien. Also featuring Galadriel and Celeborn.

Part III: Tùrin Turambar. Starts with the Battle of Unnumbered Tears seen from Hùrin's perspective. The cast for this had better all be incredibly attractive and good actors, because it is the biggest downer ever.

Part IV: Tuor and his quest; Gondolin and its fall. Ends on a positive note with Tuor, Idril and Voronwë leading the refugees to safety.

Part V: Civil war among the Elves as the sons of Fëanor seek to fulfil the terrible Oath. Out of despair, hope: the journey of Eärendil. Final battle: Valar, Elves, Men and Dwarves unite to defeat Morgoth; the Silmarils are lost but the world is saved; THE END.
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:03 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nah, the Silamrillion needs at least six seasons on HBO, then a movie.


I'd be curious to watch, just to see how HBO works sexposition into the Silmarillion.
posted by nubs at 4:05 PM on June 23, 2015

They can start with What Tolkien Officially Said About Elf Sex.
posted by delfin at 4:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Fountains are delightful, not metal.

What if it was a fountain made of skulls spewing flaming demon blood? Huh, smart guy?!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:22 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

They can start with What Tolkien Officially Said About Elf Sex.

Why did I read this. Why, why, why.
posted by selfnoise at 4:24 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

Why did I read this. Why, why, why.

You wanted to be metal.

Or, possibly, Original Sin.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:32 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

ah, the Silamrillion needs at least six seasons on HBO, then a movie.

If Christopher Tolkien ever had a change of heart and let Peter Jackson adapt it, it would still be unfolding for our children's children.
posted by bibliowench at 4:36 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Just from the headline alone, I know this piece would be on The Toast. And I was right!
posted by jscalzi at 5:03 PM on June 23, 2015

The earliest The Silmarillion could enter the public domain is 2043. However, given that the work was only published at all due to Christopher Tolkein's editorial efforts the chances of it entering the public domain during the lifetime of anyone commenting here is remote. There's always a chance Christopher will change his mind if a sufficiently large dump-truck full of money is backed up to his front door, but I wouldn't count on it.
posted by um at 5:14 PM on June 23, 2015

Wouldn't the most metal death be dying in the crash of whatever is the Middle Earth equivalent of a tour bus?

That would be falling off a giant eagle, which is not very metal. The Eagles are not metal.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:22 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

Accidental incest is not metal?

... Oops.
posted by kyrademon at 5:25 PM on June 23, 2015

This was great:
Gandalf died after he, “Threw down my enemy… and broke the mountain-side where he smote it in his ruin,” which is the most metal line in the entire trilogy, and possibly all of English literature.
posted by jammy at 5:12 AM on June 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Tolkien wrote that the Elves made no songs of that battle because their grief was too great, though had they known about electric guitars and power chords, they might have given it a shot. Still, the Song of Fingolfin remains the greatest metal song yet unsung.

It would probably go a little something like this.

And my Simirillion adaptation would just be expanding on Nightfall in Middle Earth to cover the whole thing and making a metal opera out of it. With giant puppet balrogs and flamethrowers.
posted by charred husk at 7:14 AM on June 24, 2015 [2 favorites]