Why Sex with Cars?

February 26, 2002 4:34 AM

Why Sex with Cars? I keep asking myself: Is this a well-done fake or is it as serious as it looks like? B.
posted by Baud (23 comments total)

From a link in the link explaining how to:

"How can you have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.

"The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out. So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.

"In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe."

Ouch.
posted by jennyb at 4:41 AM on February 26, 2002

I would have thought to use the gas, um, hole.

I mean, how could use the tailpipe? You'd need to be laying on the ground and then the then would be in the wrong direction.
posted by delmoi at 4:49 AM on February 26, 2002

Well, if you must know:

"You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in."

I'm patiently awaiting for the Darwin award that results from some one doing this: Man with Dick in Tailpipe Crushed by Inadequately Chocked Car
posted by jennyb at 4:57 AM on February 26, 2002

Man with Dick in Tailpipe Crushed by Inadequately chocked Car

Auto-erotic asphyxiation?
posted by vbfg at 5:01 AM on February 26, 2002

*DISCLAIMER, THE FOLLOWING MAY SICKEN SOME PEOPLE AND IS OFF TOPIC*
Speaking of which, what does Michael Hutchence have that Bob Geldof doesn't?

A widow...*rimshot*
posted by Settle at 5:05 AM on February 26, 2002

Not since 2000, Settle. Paula Yates died of a drug overdose in 2000. Her daughter with Hutchence is being raised by Geldof along with the three daughters he had with Yates.
posted by rcade at 5:19 AM on February 26, 2002

The web site you are trying to access has exceeded its allocated data transfer. Visit our help area for more information.
Access to this site will be restored within an hour. Please try again later.
http://www.geocities.com/gnxlover/why.html
posted by a3matrix at 5:31 AM on February 26, 2002

Google's Cache of the page.
posted by j.edwards at 5:57 AM on February 26, 2002

The first time I took my car to the DEQ, the technician I got was flamingly gay. I realized why he took the job when he inserted the probe up the tailpipe of my car to sample its exhaust...
posted by SpecialK at 6:18 AM on February 26, 2002

What do we call it when a MetaFilter post "slashdots" a page?

As for the link itself... yechh....
posted by insomnyuk at 6:24 AM on February 26, 2002

Well, if you're into sex with inanimate objects, I suppose you could do a lot worse than a car. I've certainly lusted after a few, although only for a platonic relationship. Barely.

It's probably not that unusual for individuals to cross the line. From Thomas Pynchon's "Weed":

"Rex had once owned a Porsche 911, as red as a cherry in a cocktail, his favourite toy creature, his best disguise, his personal confidant, and more, in fact all that a car could be for a man, and its fair to say Rex had made a tidy emotional as well as cash investment - indeed, he would not have flinched from the word "relationship". He called it Bruno. He knew the location of every all-night car-wash in the four counties, he'd fallen asleep on his back beneath its ventral coolness, with a plastic tool case for a pillow, and slept right through the night, and he had even, more than once, in scented petroleum dimness, had his throbbing manhood down inside one flared chrome carburetor barrel as the engine idled and with sensitive care he adjusted the pulsing vacuum to meet his own quickening rhythm, as man and machine together rose to peaks of hitherto unimaginable ecstasy..."
posted by groundhog at 7:00 AM on February 26, 2002

Eeeeew. And again: Eeeewww.
posted by mecran01 at 8:02 AM on February 26, 2002

What do we call it when a MetaFilter post "slashdots" a page?

MetaFried ?

Conversely, sex with a car can involve the gear shifter - if you're a female, or into that sort of thing.

ok, that's it. I'm never coming back to this thread.
posted by mkn at 9:19 AM on February 26, 2002

SpecialK:

That's just stupid. Haven't you gained any knowledge about homosexuality since the 6th grade?
posted by argybarg at 10:32 AM on February 26, 2002

the page wasn't 'slashdotted'. it's geocities. one browser and a spastic finger on the reload button is all thats needed to shut a geocities site down. they have a limit of like about 10 pageviews an hour (deliberate exaggeration).
so don't go beating your chest thinking 'phear the mighty power of mefi!' hell, i've had matt delete geocities links i posted for exactly that reason in the past, and its why i always mirror them before posting them on my blog. which process, btw, allows one plenty of time and hassle to decide if the site is truly worth linking or not. (it's usually not.)
posted by quonsar at 11:34 AM on February 26, 2002

"And then I saw her; she was a bright red '64 GTO with fins and gills like some giant piranha fish, some obscene phallic symbol on wheels. Little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam as I kicked those five hundred Italian horses into life and left reality behind me: fifty, sixty, seventy miles an hour. My hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers as we passed eighty, ninety miles an hour... and as we hit the magic 100 my love exploded all over her bright pink leather interior! And at that moment, I thought of my mother."

Thomas Dolby. "The Keys to Her Ferrari," from Aliens Ate My Buick.
posted by kindall at 1:08 PM on February 26, 2002

That's disgusting - only a truly perverse individual would put pink leather in a '64 GTO.
posted by groundhog at 1:37 PM on February 26, 2002

Judging by his taste in cars, I'd call him a trashy slut.
posted by HTuttle at 1:39 PM on February 26, 2002

From the sexy cars list. . .

Buick Grand National
Olds Cutlass Supreme
Chevy Monte Carlo SS

eeeewwww. . .

The Tonya Hardings of the car world!
posted by gjjohnson at 10:06 PM on February 26, 2002

If only J G Ballard could read this thread. Crash, anyone?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:40 PM on February 26, 2002

Pynchon's V also has a sex with cars scene but thats a chick with the gearstick of an MG. So I guess it doesn't count.
posted by davidgentle at 10:44 PM on February 26, 2002

The machine of a dream, such a clean machine,
With the pistons a pumpin', and the hubcaps all gleam.
When I'm holding your wheel,
All I hear is your gear,
When my hand's on your grease gun,
Oh it's like a disease son,
I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,
Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar,
Such a thrill when your radials squeal.
Told my girl I just had to forget her,
Rather buy me a new cartburettor,
So she made tracks sayin' ths is the end now,
Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now,
When I'm holding your wheel,
All I hear is your gear,
When I'm cruisin' in overdrive,
Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive,
I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,
I'm in love with my car, string back gloves in my automolove!
posted by allaboutgeorge at 4:08 AM on February 27, 2002

"Prince supposidly wrote this song while dozing in Lisa Coleman's pink Edsel following an exhausting all night recording session. The lyrics came to him in bits and pieces during this and other catnaps. Finally, delivering enough detail that he could finish it without sleeping."

In "Terraplane Blues" Johnson speaks of all the things he plans to do to this woman, even though it appears that she is not interested in doing anything with him. Even though Johnson acknowledges that "your horn won't even blow," that doesn't deter him in his plans: "I'm bound to check your oil"; "I'm 'on' get deep down in this connection, keep on tanglin' with these wires."
posted by allaboutgeorge at 4:34 AM on February 27, 2002