How our secret snacks are like a great painter's unknown works.
July 4, 2015 2:12 PM Subscribe
nthed. Every so often I sit down to a meal with a friend and see them visibly flinch as they watch me consume an egg.
Living alone has many benefits, but good table manners tend to fall by the wayside.
posted by jrochest at 2:26 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Living alone has many benefits, but good table manners tend to fall by the wayside.
posted by jrochest at 2:26 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
In private, we all add peas to our guacamole.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:32 PM on July 4, 2015 [26 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:32 PM on July 4, 2015 [26 favorites]
In a less dramatic – but still very important way – our secret eating styles are like Turner’s hidden pictures. In so many areas of life, we are still discovering and shyly daring to own up to our true selves.
My marmite cheese toast and natto cheese toast, not very shy at all.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:34 PM on July 4, 2015
My marmite cheese toast and natto cheese toast, not very shy at all.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:34 PM on July 4, 2015
I didn't know any of this was supposed to be a private shame. I was feeling less self-conscious about my food habits before I read the article!
posted by naju at 2:42 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by naju at 2:42 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Tater tot sandwich.
Cook up tater tots. Nice and crispy like. Put on white bread. Add ketchup, slice of velveeta. Add fried egg if desired. Serve with side of tater tots.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:55 PM on July 4, 2015 [20 favorites]
Cook up tater tots. Nice and crispy like. Put on white bread. Add ketchup, slice of velveeta. Add fried egg if desired. Serve with side of tater tots.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:55 PM on July 4, 2015 [20 favorites]
Ugh, that was revolting. I had to turn away. So many closeup shots of facial hair.
Gonna have to try the french fries in condensed cheese soup, though.
posted by darksasami at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Gonna have to try the french fries in condensed cheese soup, though.
posted by darksasami at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think my private food choices are weird, but I do prefer eating fruit salads and boneless chicken nuggets with chopsticks.
Cook up tater tots. Nice and crispy like. Put on white bread. Add ketchup, slice of velveeta. Add fried egg if desired. Serve with side of tater tots.
Isn't that just a typical breakfast wrap in sandwich form?
posted by picklenickle at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Cook up tater tots. Nice and crispy like. Put on white bread. Add ketchup, slice of velveeta. Add fried egg if desired. Serve with side of tater tots.
Isn't that just a typical breakfast wrap in sandwich form?
posted by picklenickle at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Addicted to popcorn here, ideally paired with red wine. I bonded with Olivia on Scandal immediately. Beyond that my personal eating is about as creative as a paint by number set.
posted by bearwife at 3:12 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 3:12 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I got given this bottle of amazing balsamic a little while back.
Almost every day I've been having a teaspoon (as in spoon used for tea, not the measuring device) of it. Glorious.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:22 PM on July 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
Almost every day I've been having a teaspoon (as in spoon used for tea, not the measuring device) of it. Glorious.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:22 PM on July 4, 2015 [10 favorites]
A nice cheddar with tiny sweet gherkins.
posted by sammyo at 3:27 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 3:27 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Private is where I allow myself the most generic of processed foods, pretty much the opposite of art.
posted by rhizome at 3:30 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 3:30 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
In private we are all cereal killers.
aaaaaand I'll just show myself out
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:32 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
aaaaaand I'll just show myself out
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:32 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
"I got given this bottle of amazing balsamic a little while back.
Almost every day I've been having a teaspoon (as in spoon used for tea, not the measuring device) of it. Glorious."
If you haven't tried it yet... Put a teaspoon on some vanilla ice cream...
*eyes glaze over, drools Homer style*
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:40 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Almost every day I've been having a teaspoon (as in spoon used for tea, not the measuring device) of it. Glorious."
If you haven't tried it yet... Put a teaspoon on some vanilla ice cream...
*eyes glaze over, drools Homer style*
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:40 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Rice with melted cheddar cheese and a drizzle of rooster sauce.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 3:44 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 3:44 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
fffm, the balsamic is also very good for dipping strawberries or slivers of good parmesano, or drizzling on a good steak, if you are a carnivore...
posted by supermedusa at 3:48 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by supermedusa at 3:48 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I hate making myself real food so lately for lunch I mix together two tablespoons of almond butter, some psyllium husk, and a drizzle of date syrup. It's disgusting but I eat it pretty often. I think it's sort of like a protein bar.
posted by milk white peacock at 3:49 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by milk white peacock at 3:49 PM on July 4, 2015
The most dangerous place on the planet is standing between me and pimento cheese...
posted by jim in austin at 3:53 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 3:53 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you haven't tried it yet... Put a teaspoon on some vanilla ice cream...
Add fresh cracked black pepper. Ditto with strawberries.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
Add fresh cracked black pepper. Ditto with strawberries.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you have the patience to reduce balsamic vinegar until it's like syrup, it's totally worth the wait. It loses some of the vinegar zing but it gains much more depth of flavor and pow factor.
Just be sure to rinse out the pan before it sets up and turns into goddamn epoxy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just be sure to rinse out the pan before it sets up and turns into goddamn epoxy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ironically the one thing recently that may be leading me towards caring more about preparing food has been Hannibal.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 4:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
food that is NOT PEOPLE despite scandalous accusations to the contrary
posted by poffin boffin at 4:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 4:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
what about really tasty people
babies are tender
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
babies are tender
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't really eat different things, I just eat them differently. E.g. I don't bother making a salad.. instead I just eat some spinach, and some carrots (not peeled, just washed), and maybe some tomatoes or half an avocado.
What forces me to be creative is when impending travel means grocery shopping would be stupid... so, uh, Mary Ellen Carter, I may be using your idea later this week..
posted by nat at 4:07 PM on July 4, 2015
What forces me to be creative is when impending travel means grocery shopping would be stupid... so, uh, Mary Ellen Carter, I may be using your idea later this week..
posted by nat at 4:07 PM on July 4, 2015
Try pouring a teaspoon of balsamic on your PEOPLE, it might change your mind.
posted by eykal at 4:09 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by eykal at 4:09 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I try to put a little effort into presentation and plating even when I'm cooking leftovers for myself, like why wouldn't I treat myself the same way I'd treat a guest? Why not try to make everything around you as pleasing as possible if you can?
Or maybe I'm trying to Impress a fictional cannibal? Who knows.
But, you know, if I am really in a hurry or whatever it's going to be a bag of lindens cookies or a hastily eaten chicken and rice from whatever cart is closest.
This essay has a lot in common with Chicken Tenders Have No History and the allure of the kid's menu
posted by The Whelk at 4:12 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Or maybe I'm trying to Impress a fictional cannibal? Who knows.
But, you know, if I am really in a hurry or whatever it's going to be a bag of lindens cookies or a hastily eaten chicken and rice from whatever cart is closest.
This essay has a lot in common with Chicken Tenders Have No History and the allure of the kid's menu
posted by The Whelk at 4:12 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
ah, thisiswhyyou'refat shows it's true colors.
For me, the biggest difference between me eating alone versus me eating with others is that I'll eat all the parts of my meal separately. I'm not sure why I do this... but when I'm alone, I'll eat the spinach first, then some tomatoes, then some carrots, then some cheese instead of having a salad all in one go.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 4:13 PM on July 4, 2015
For me, the biggest difference between me eating alone versus me eating with others is that I'll eat all the parts of my meal separately. I'm not sure why I do this... but when I'm alone, I'll eat the spinach first, then some tomatoes, then some carrots, then some cheese instead of having a salad all in one go.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 4:13 PM on July 4, 2015
One nice thing about eating alone in resteraunts is you can skip the uncomfortable few minutes were you wordlessly navigate the Are We Eating Bread Or Deacending Into A Carb Shaming Power Play question and just tear into that mini loaf of ciabatta
posted by The Whelk at 4:18 PM on July 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 4:18 PM on July 4, 2015 [19 favorites]
I think maybe the weirdest I get is dill havarti on a pbj.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 4:19 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by johnnydummkopf at 4:19 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been called a heretic for eating my toast with a little bit of butter and salt and pepper. Also, I'm told that adding a slice of lemon to a cup of black coffee makes me "fopish".
*shrugs*
I eat what I eat, drink what I drink, and I'm happy.
posted by Fizz at 4:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
*shrugs*
I eat what I eat, drink what I drink, and I'm happy.
posted by Fizz at 4:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
the biggest difference between me eating alone versus me eating with others...
it's HOW I eat in private* that must be concealed from the rest of humanity
While we're on the performativity of dining status, I'd like to bring to your attention the unbearable daintiness of women who eat with men:
it's HOW I eat in private* that must be concealed from the rest of humanity
While we're on the performativity of dining status, I'd like to bring to your attention the unbearable daintiness of women who eat with men:
I found that women did change the way they ate depending on the gender of their dining companion. Overall, when dining with a male companion, women typically constructed their bites carefully, took small bites, ate slowly, used their napkins precisely and frequently, and maintained good posture and limited body movement throughout their meals. In contrast, women dining with a female companion generally constructed their bites more haphazardly, took larger bites, used their napkins more loosely and sparingly, and moved their bodies more throughout their meals. ... First, women eat in a manner more consistent with normative femininity when in the presence of a male versus a female companion. And, second, gender is something that people perform when cued to do so, not necessarily something people internalize and express all the time.posted by MonkeyToes at 4:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [23 favorites]
Handfulls of cereal, straight from the box and into my mouth, followed by a glass of milk
posted by Mogur at 4:22 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Mogur at 4:22 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe I'm the true weirdo, but I found that video really alienating. Like, if it was just the text, maybe I wouldn't have felt that way, because I really do think no one should feel ashamed about what they eat, and so I endorse that message fully.
But also, I really and truly mostly care about the nutritional profile of a meal, and tend to eat tilapia, broccoli, and rice for my suppers (very easy to prepare), snack on almonds and clementines, etc. And again, that's not said or done to shame other people, but that's really actually how I am on my own, how I feel best in my skin - it's social situations that make me feel peer pressured to eat cookies and pies and doritos, lest I be the weirdo who brought a bag of carrots to the party.
posted by erlking at 4:24 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
But also, I really and truly mostly care about the nutritional profile of a meal, and tend to eat tilapia, broccoli, and rice for my suppers (very easy to prepare), snack on almonds and clementines, etc. And again, that's not said or done to shame other people, but that's really actually how I am on my own, how I feel best in my skin - it's social situations that make me feel peer pressured to eat cookies and pies and doritos, lest I be the weirdo who brought a bag of carrots to the party.
posted by erlking at 4:24 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I agree with the principle of this video but some of those concoctions made me shudder.
posted by tunewell at 4:24 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by tunewell at 4:24 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are We Eating Bread Or Deacending Into A Carb Shaming Power Play
I avoid that problem by surrounding myself with like-minded, carb-loving people.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:29 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
I avoid that problem by surrounding myself with like-minded, carb-loving people.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:29 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Peanut butter toast with a slice of smoked Gouda. Wurst salad (strips of baloney, onion and cheese in light vinaigrette). Perogies and pickled beets with too much sour cream. Caesar croutons eaten like potato chips.
posted by furtive at 4:31 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by furtive at 4:31 PM on July 4, 2015
Caesar croutons eaten like potato chips.
So when do we send out the wedding invitations?
posted by Fizz at 4:35 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
So when do we send out the wedding invitations?
posted by Fizz at 4:35 PM on July 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
Wait...J.M.W. Turner painted the equivalent of sausages covered with sugar to make a living whilst secretly painting impressionistic masterpieces? This was quite a jarring bit of "art history" inserted into a guilty pleasure food rant video. Perhaps art history is this foodie's guilty pleasure?
posted by kozad at 4:39 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by kozad at 4:39 PM on July 4, 2015
Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant is a good cookbook with stories from food writers and authors who eat alone.
My big alone food guilty pleasure is white rice with goat cheese. It's delicious.
posted by sockermom at 5:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
My big alone food guilty pleasure is white rice with goat cheese. It's delicious.
posted by sockermom at 5:01 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
That can of nuclear snot chunks slopped onto the baguette.
posted by batfish at 5:13 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by batfish at 5:13 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Flour tortilla filled with sour cream and onions sauteed with cumin. Rice cooked with tomato soup with a shitload of parmesan cheese added. (It comes out like the most pseudo of pseudo-risotto, not like soup with rice.)
Oh, used to do this one as a kid: pour glass of cold milk. Take a spoonful of powdered hot chocolate. Dip it slowly and carefully into the milk so that it gets absorbed. Eat.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, used to do this one as a kid: pour glass of cold milk. Take a spoonful of powdered hot chocolate. Dip it slowly and carefully into the milk so that it gets absorbed. Eat.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can tell a lot about a the status of your relationship with someone by the tone of their voice and their posture and hers had no room to suggest that she was kidding around: things were over. We had run out of things to talk about. There was nothing left to gloss over our habits, some of which we had accepted lovingly as the other's quirks, some of which we knew could not be excused and were forgotten, and one in particular that should have been dismissed as harmless but could not be understood spelled disaster: things were over. She didn't get it. She was disgusted. She would never love me. She stood there, hand on hip, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, and asked:
"Why is there a bag of Sausalitos in the garbage can?"
Because I ate the Sausalitos and I threw the bag away.
"Ok, but why is the bag in the bathroom?"
Because I ate the Sausalitos in the bathroom.
"WHY did you eat the Sausalitos in the bathroom?"
Because... Wait. I didn't eat them while I was taking a shit, if that's what you're thinking. That's gross. Although, hum. It's rather economical: calories out, calories in, with minimal expenditure of energy. But, no, I didn't eat the Sausalitos while I was taking a shit, if that's what you're thinking. I ate them last night. Or this morning, rather. Early this morning. I don't know! I was hungry. The cookies were there. They were there because I put them there. Because I was going to eat them. Yes, in the bathroom. No, not while I was taking a shit. No, I don't exactly PLAN on it, but yeah, ok, maybe I planned on it.
Because it's stupid to eat cookies in bed. Crumbs, etc.
Well, because I hate waking up hungry and tired, and why waste time and effort to go to the kitchen to get food when you can have it right there on the nightstand, and besides, if I walked to the kitchen I'd probably wake up enough to have trouble getting back to sleep.
No. I take them to the bathroom. NO. I AM NOT TAKING A SHIT WHILE I EAT THEM. JESUS.
Sorry. I'm sorry. Look: here's how it goes. I wake up sometimes, and I'm hungry. I take the Sausalitos in the bathroom, because the tile is cool, and feels nice under my feet. And I open the bag and, because I'm tired, I lean against the wall with one hand-- my right hand-- outstretched. With my left hand I feed myself a cookie. I am naked and it is cool beneath the vent and the tile is cold and the room is dark and what I see is the same whether my eyes are open or not, and how I breathe is the same awake or asleep, and for a moment my body is floating in space. My head hangs high over the toilet, and the crumbs fall quietly as the cookie is consumed. There's no mess, see? And I can go back to sleep. Yeah, all eight cookies. You should try it sometime. I'll pick up a bag of Sausalitos for you tomorrow, ok?
"..."
"Then why is there a bag of Haribo Gummi Bears in the trash, too?"
I wake up sometimes? And I'm hungry? Honey? Hello?
posted by herrdoktor at 5:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [62 favorites]
"Why is there a bag of Sausalitos in the garbage can?"
Because I ate the Sausalitos and I threw the bag away.
"Ok, but why is the bag in the bathroom?"
Because I ate the Sausalitos in the bathroom.
"WHY did you eat the Sausalitos in the bathroom?"
Because... Wait. I didn't eat them while I was taking a shit, if that's what you're thinking. That's gross. Although, hum. It's rather economical: calories out, calories in, with minimal expenditure of energy. But, no, I didn't eat the Sausalitos while I was taking a shit, if that's what you're thinking. I ate them last night. Or this morning, rather. Early this morning. I don't know! I was hungry. The cookies were there. They were there because I put them there. Because I was going to eat them. Yes, in the bathroom. No, not while I was taking a shit. No, I don't exactly PLAN on it, but yeah, ok, maybe I planned on it.
Because it's stupid to eat cookies in bed. Crumbs, etc.
Well, because I hate waking up hungry and tired, and why waste time and effort to go to the kitchen to get food when you can have it right there on the nightstand, and besides, if I walked to the kitchen I'd probably wake up enough to have trouble getting back to sleep.
No. I take them to the bathroom. NO. I AM NOT TAKING A SHIT WHILE I EAT THEM. JESUS.
Sorry. I'm sorry. Look: here's how it goes. I wake up sometimes, and I'm hungry. I take the Sausalitos in the bathroom, because the tile is cool, and feels nice under my feet. And I open the bag and, because I'm tired, I lean against the wall with one hand-- my right hand-- outstretched. With my left hand I feed myself a cookie. I am naked and it is cool beneath the vent and the tile is cold and the room is dark and what I see is the same whether my eyes are open or not, and how I breathe is the same awake or asleep, and for a moment my body is floating in space. My head hangs high over the toilet, and the crumbs fall quietly as the cookie is consumed. There's no mess, see? And I can go back to sleep. Yeah, all eight cookies. You should try it sometime. I'll pick up a bag of Sausalitos for you tomorrow, ok?
"..."
"Then why is there a bag of Haribo Gummi Bears in the trash, too?"
I wake up sometimes? And I'm hungry? Honey? Hello?
posted by herrdoktor at 5:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [62 favorites]
Cheese and crackers. An infinite tower of cheese and crackers and ham, sometimes, too, or if I'm feeling fancy, port wine.
And yeah, croutons.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:30 PM on July 4, 2015
And yeah, croutons.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:30 PM on July 4, 2015
Nothing that weird, but I dip my potato chips in ketchup.
posted by zardoz at 5:47 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by zardoz at 5:47 PM on July 4, 2015
Rice or nori sheets with big globs of fake mayo. Dessert instead of meals. Ketchup on chips. Hot sauce on ice cream. Peanut butter and Chinese mustard sandwiches.
posted by juniper at 5:54 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by juniper at 5:54 PM on July 4, 2015
It is fig season in the Unisted States and figs can become a quick no trouble meal with almost no effort. Figs and dried meat or figs and balsamic or figs and cheese or fig compote on crackers or just figs and nuts or figs and melon or just figs.
In short, figs.
posted by The Whelk at 5:56 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
In short, figs.
posted by The Whelk at 5:56 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
A big bowl of pasta, inundated with shaved parmesan. And yes, I eat it like it's about to be confiscated.
posted by datawrangler at 6:02 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by datawrangler at 6:02 PM on July 4, 2015
You ketchup-on-chips fans should try A-1 sauce. It's excellent on homefries too.
posted by carmicha at 6:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by carmicha at 6:02 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The Whelk, fresh figs are the most joyously guilty pleasure. Paired with almost anything, they improve almost everything. It's a picnic with a stem.
posted by datawrangler at 6:05 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by datawrangler at 6:05 PM on July 4, 2015
figs bruleed with gorgonzola, then bruleed again with turbinado sugar
you're welcome
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:05 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
you're welcome
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:05 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Nothing that weird, but I dip my potato chips in ketchup.
I don't know what part of the world you're from but here in Canada we are gifted with this particular flavour which you might enjoy.
posted by Fizz at 6:06 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't know what part of the world you're from but here in Canada we are gifted with this particular flavour which you might enjoy.
posted by Fizz at 6:06 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Doritos+plain sour cream.
shhh...don't tell anybody.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
shhh...don't tell anybody.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm a big fan of what I call "Indochinois-Informed Trans-Latinate Mediterranean Rarebit (served pre-integral)". All you need is to stuff a soup bowl with tortilla chips, shredded mozzarella from a bag, and a nice stack of pepperoni, and have some sriracha on the side.
posted by clorox at 6:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by clorox at 6:21 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Is this confession time?
After everyone went to bed last night, I ate Lays regular chips with sardines.
I've been known to melt shredded cheese over Fritos and eat them with sour cream.
I love cooked frozen pizza with a big glass of cold milk. This weirds out most people I know.
My mom introduced me to peanut butter toast with thin slices of pickles on the top. So good.
Most of these things aren't that hard to confess, but they are way easier to eat when not in the company of other people.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:46 PM on July 4, 2015
After everyone went to bed last night, I ate Lays regular chips with sardines.
I've been known to melt shredded cheese over Fritos and eat them with sour cream.
I love cooked frozen pizza with a big glass of cold milk. This weirds out most people I know.
My mom introduced me to peanut butter toast with thin slices of pickles on the top. So good.
Most of these things aren't that hard to confess, but they are way easier to eat when not in the company of other people.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:46 PM on July 4, 2015
My mom made something , a kind of open faced grilled cheese, that I physically NEED every so often or in times from great struggle.
It requires,
Kraft American sliced Dairy Product. the cheaper the better. this is important, actual cheese melts the wrong way while Homogenoized CheeseFood slice melts like no other cheese known to man and thus ideal for this.
Some kind of seeded rye loaf in slices.
a shitty toaster oven. Not a nice convention / toaster mix, not a grill, not a broiler. you want something that's basically an easy bake oven except the heating element gets hot enough to regularity set food on fire.
Butter.
butter the rye bread slices slightly and sprinkle on pepper. cut up some American dairy product slices and layer them on the slices. Put on some salt. Put them in the toaster oven on like, a 5 setting until the cheese bubbles like plastic and stiffens, blackening at the very top into a dome of hard dairy oil and the edges of the bread are black.
Remove. Transfer to plate, Eat with lemonade while you play The lLegend Of Zelda.
posted by The Whelk at 6:54 PM on July 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
It requires,
Kraft American sliced Dairy Product. the cheaper the better. this is important, actual cheese melts the wrong way while Homogenoized CheeseFood slice melts like no other cheese known to man and thus ideal for this.
Some kind of seeded rye loaf in slices.
a shitty toaster oven. Not a nice convention / toaster mix, not a grill, not a broiler. you want something that's basically an easy bake oven except the heating element gets hot enough to regularity set food on fire.
Butter.
butter the rye bread slices slightly and sprinkle on pepper. cut up some American dairy product slices and layer them on the slices. Put on some salt. Put them in the toaster oven on like, a 5 setting until the cheese bubbles like plastic and stiffens, blackening at the very top into a dome of hard dairy oil and the edges of the bread are black.
Remove. Transfer to plate, Eat with lemonade while you play The lLegend Of Zelda.
posted by The Whelk at 6:54 PM on July 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
Continuously is how I eat when I am alone.
posted by srboisvert at 6:54 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 6:54 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Call it American Rarebit, Whelk.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:58 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:58 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
And! The rye needs to be thick and sturdy enough to hold together and the cheese layer shouldn't be too thick cause then it won't bubble up like a strange cheese growth and stiffen cause it's made from mysterious mid century chemicals designed to fight communism.
posted by The Whelk at 7:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 7:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
fuck i am going out to get doritos and sour cream right the fuck now
posted by poffin boffin at 7:07 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:07 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
im gonna die the butt death and i don't even care
posted by poffin boffin at 7:07 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:07 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Sour Cream and Onion Pringles contain all the traditional dressings for caviar.
posted by The Whelk at 7:08 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 7:08 PM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
In my cafe kitchen, I would have to literally fight off the staff when I made croutons (made with stale, made in house bread), because we would all stand around the tray, straight out of the oven, cramming fistfuls into our mouths.
That thing with the plastic cheese is good done on a buttered english muffin, too.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 7:16 PM on July 4, 2015
That thing with the plastic cheese is good done on a buttered english muffin, too.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 7:16 PM on July 4, 2015
Recipe for the 'undergrad desperado'
1. Two slices of bread.
2. Processed cheese slice(s).
3. Mustard.
4. Small bag of Cheetos. (Jalapeno-flavoured where available).
5. Stack in any preferred order.
6. Enjoy.
**A favourite of mine during my undergrad days, but something I still make from time to time because its easy and familiar.**
posted by Fizz at 7:16 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Two slices of bread.
2. Processed cheese slice(s).
3. Mustard.
4. Small bag of Cheetos. (Jalapeno-flavoured where available).
5. Stack in any preferred order.
6. Enjoy.
**A favourite of mine during my undergrad days, but something I still make from time to time because its easy and familiar.**
posted by Fizz at 7:16 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bread (or English muffins or Portuguese sweet muffins or bagels) + pickles + hummus + leftover taco meat + sriracha = late night sandwich.
I can say with absolute certainty that relish and butterscotch chips do not belong in an omelette.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can say with absolute certainty that relish and butterscotch chips do not belong in an omelette.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Crush a big bunch of tortilla chips. Mix in pimiento cheese and about a half a jar of salsa. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmOMGmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnom
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:23 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:23 PM on July 4, 2015
Wait...J.M.W. Turner painted the equivalent of sausages covered with sugar to make a living whilst secretly painting impressionistic masterpieces?
He did both a lot of amazingly abstract/experimental sketches using almost punk techniques like scratching and scuffing the paper, and also a lot of pornographic art. Stuff that wouldn't show up in any gallery to be put before people. So I think the analogy stands pretty well, though admittedly, it's poetic and a stretch.
posted by Miko at 7:25 PM on July 4, 2015
He did both a lot of amazingly abstract/experimental sketches using almost punk techniques like scratching and scuffing the paper, and also a lot of pornographic art. Stuff that wouldn't show up in any gallery to be put before people. So I think the analogy stands pretty well, though admittedly, it's poetic and a stretch.
posted by Miko at 7:25 PM on July 4, 2015
Sour cream and sweet chili sauce. Great for corn chips, even better for wedges.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 7:26 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 7:26 PM on July 4, 2015
Because I'm a food systems activist my secret shame is processed junk foods. Box mac, frozen pizza (Palermo and Dr. Oetker), and chicken tenders. I'm reading The Whelk's essay about chicken tenders and I think I suffer from a very similar thing; access to a lot of really wonderful good-quality food, but when I am stressed or tired, nothing hits the spot more than a minimal-labor, guaranteed-satisfying thing like chicken tenders heated for 20 minutes in the oven and served with some bottled barbecue sauce.
posted by Miko at 7:33 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 7:33 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
sticky white rice, gobs of butter swimming in cheap salty soy sauce.
posted by werkzeuger at 7:38 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by werkzeuger at 7:38 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
The Whelk, this household makes a similar open-face grilled cheese-like sandwich except, just before serving, heap on a couple forkfuls of new sauerkraut.
posted by datawrangler at 7:42 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by datawrangler at 7:42 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
herrdoktor's comment led me to google image what 'sausalitos' are and i have instead discovered what germans think mexican food looks like
posted by p3on at 8:05 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by p3on at 8:05 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
bowls are good for containing crumbs.
I would probably eat all my food in bowls if it were acceptable, for just this reason. And I would eat while holding the bowl under my chin, because I hate getting food on my shirt. Having boobs really gets in the way of relaxed eating unless you wear a bib.
posted by emjaybee at 9:18 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would probably eat all my food in bowls if it were acceptable, for just this reason. And I would eat while holding the bowl under my chin, because I hate getting food on my shirt. Having boobs really gets in the way of relaxed eating unless you wear a bib.
posted by emjaybee at 9:18 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
My entire life, I've always had a can of solid tuna in water in the cupboard of every place I've ever lived. No chunk, nothing in oil, just Chicken Of The Sea, Bumblebee or Starkist, standard size cans, single serving. Don't tell me about the modern convenience of those vile foil packs, keep that shit out of my visual plane, I got no time for that noise.
I open the can (with my old, heavy manual can opener, never owned an electric can opener, that's a gratuitous use of electricity if I've ever seen one), drain every goddamned drop of water out of there, pull off the top, grab a fork, and eat the tuna right from the can. No putting it on a plate, no crackers, no celery, fuck all to condiments, nope, just the tuna. From the can.
This has never happened in front of another person, not once, not ever.
posted by dbiedny at 9:43 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
I open the can (with my old, heavy manual can opener, never owned an electric can opener, that's a gratuitous use of electricity if I've ever seen one), drain every goddamned drop of water out of there, pull off the top, grab a fork, and eat the tuna right from the can. No putting it on a plate, no crackers, no celery, fuck all to condiments, nope, just the tuna. From the can.
This has never happened in front of another person, not once, not ever.
posted by dbiedny at 9:43 PM on July 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by en forme de poire at 10:40 PM on July 4, 2015
Munchie grazing on a budget. Every stoner does this. Sun Chips in a ham-and-raspberry sammich, washed down with Milk enriched with Horchata-and-Nestle's-Quik.
posted by not_on_display at 11:13 PM on July 4, 2015
posted by not_on_display at 11:13 PM on July 4, 2015
Gonna have to try the french fries in condensed cheese soup, though.
that was the part where it became To Gross For Me To Watch and i read the text instead
posted by NoraReed at 12:19 AM on July 5, 2015
that was the part where it became To Gross For Me To Watch and i read the text instead
posted by NoraReed at 12:19 AM on July 5, 2015
Weirdest thing is probably raw garlic. Because there is no such thing as too much garlic. Also lemon, straight up. Like basically some raw garlic and a lemon and we're good to go. You can't eat a meal of that though because your lips go numb after a bit.
When I'm actually hungry and alone, I get two cans of tuna (one white and one light), mix them up with too much mayonnaise (squeeze tuna with hands to get water out, scoop mayo with hands, mix in bowl with hands: saves cleaning a spoon!), and eat directly from the mixing bowl with a sleeve of saltines as though it were salsa on chips. Left to my own devices, I would basically subsist on crackers+tuna, crackers+cheese, and the occasional apple. Maybe some Kraft macaroni or a ramen packet if I'm feeling ambitious.
(Okay, also the occasional over-buttered pan-fried grilled cheese. Or putting the tuna fish onto actual *toast* and adding cheese and avocado. But those are both for special occasions.)
posted by Scattercat at 3:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
When I'm actually hungry and alone, I get two cans of tuna (one white and one light), mix them up with too much mayonnaise (squeeze tuna with hands to get water out, scoop mayo with hands, mix in bowl with hands: saves cleaning a spoon!), and eat directly from the mixing bowl with a sleeve of saltines as though it were salsa on chips. Left to my own devices, I would basically subsist on crackers+tuna, crackers+cheese, and the occasional apple. Maybe some Kraft macaroni or a ramen packet if I'm feeling ambitious.
(Okay, also the occasional over-buttered pan-fried grilled cheese. Or putting the tuna fish onto actual *toast* and adding cheese and avocado. But those are both for special occasions.)
posted by Scattercat at 3:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't ever want to act like I'm going to eat an entire bag of tortilla chips when I get home from work, so i will grab a handful, carry it in the bedroom, prop myself up with my iPad & eat them off my chest, like an otter. I will return to the kitchen for another handful every 5 to 10 minutes for however long it takes for me to recoup from the workday.
My amazing bride used to issue feeble protests, but now she just reaches idly over for a chip now & then, and our understanding is complete.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:58 AM on July 5, 2015 [19 favorites]
My amazing bride used to issue feeble protests, but now she just reaches idly over for a chip now & then, and our understanding is complete.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:58 AM on July 5, 2015 [19 favorites]
Call it American Rarebit, Whelk.
We do not use such vulgar, made-up parlance in polite society.
Or to quote the 1926 edition of the Dictionary of Modern English Usage, in which the grammarian H. W. Fowler states a forthright view, "Welsh Rabbit is amusing and right. Welsh Rarebit is stupid and wrong."
posted by sonascope at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
We do not use such vulgar, made-up parlance in polite society.
Or to quote the 1926 edition of the Dictionary of Modern English Usage, in which the grammarian H. W. Fowler states a forthright view, "Welsh Rabbit is amusing and right. Welsh Rarebit is stupid and wrong."
posted by sonascope at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ugh. During my period I want warm, carb-y comfort food and my go-to food is a toasted English muffin with cream cheese. Then I put a slice of cheese over it and put it in the microwave for 17 seconds, just long enough to goopify everything.
posted by FunkyHelix at 5:47 AM on July 5, 2015
posted by FunkyHelix at 5:47 AM on July 5, 2015
In the realm of private eating vs public eating, I follow an inverted pattern to this that's probably a result of my last two years of semi-dire poverty, in that I do not leave the house without a proper cooked breakfast and I am the emperor of breakfast cuisine, with a knack honed by a year of financial collapse in which I found that mastering the mother sauces is the key to cooking properly for the domestic imperial in exile. Out in the world, working as a construction worker, handyman, jack-of-all-trades, and part-time manager of a tiny theater in the basement of a socialist grocery store, I'm content to buy two Rodeo burgers at Burger King for two dollars and twelve cents, throw one bun to the birds, and merge the remaining factory-made ingredients into one relatively satisfying meal, or just eat roasted unsalted in-shell peanuts all day, or dip rubbery stale tortilla chips into whatever plastic tubs of sauces or pastes I can find, but at home, on my own, I am in the one place where I can be assured of no dissent in my shaky faith that I am a good and decent person worthy of the gift of heat and edible substance.
I step in the door, heavy toolboxes hanging low in each hand and the bag that amounts to my field office digging into my shoulder, a dingo leaps down from her perch by the window and reminds me that I am, at least for the that moment, the best person in the whole entire world, and I drop my toolboxes and bag, pull off heavy, scuffed-up boots that have made seemingly permanent lines along my toes where the cup of the steel toes end, extract myself from dirty blue bib overalls so frequently repaired from on-site snags that they are like a map of my late-afternoon exhaustion rendered in blanket stitching in black thread, peel off a black t-shirt turned grey from construction grime, and stagger into my kitchen in my drawers.
I warm up my toaster oven to 360 degrees fahrenheit, get out a little two-and-a-half cup straight-sided white ceramic cup, beat two eggs in a bowl, grate an ounce or two of the best cheddar I can afford into the bowl, add some caramelized onions from the week's batch in my refrigerator, take a little grating off an ancient wedge of parmesan and a bit of gruyere I bought last year when I'd been paid for installing artwork in Richmond, dump the whole thing into the cup, put it on a tray on the lowest slot in the toaster oven, and lumber off for a shower to get the drywall grime out of my hair and eyelashes and flush the silverfish out of my beard.
I have timed this ritual out, like most of my rituals, until it is nearly impossible to fail.
I emerge pink, clean, silverfish-free, and vaguely scented of roses from the cheap soap I get at the Indian grocery store next to the laundromat, put on my tartan loungewear, and return to the kitchen, where a towering crown of gorgeously perfect soufflé is waiting for me, so close to touching the glowing quartz bar in the top of the toaster oven that it gets a little hint of sweet burn at the top. I pour myself a glass of seltzer, add a few ounces of the batch of mulberry shrub I make each year after laboriously beating a crop out of the tree in my yard with a broom from a teetering foothold at the top of a ladder. I fill a stainless steel bowl with the usual clatter of kibble, bringing the dingo into my closet-sized kitchen in a state of great anticipation, amending the dish with a little hot water and a few drops of Worcestershire, then look down to her to ask the usual question.
"Shall we demolish Coventry Cathedral, pup?" I ask, and Daisy does a happy little war dance. I lower the bowl with a whistle that descends in pitch like the sound of a bomb falling in a cartoon, and make the sound of an explosion. Daisy dives in, I extract my soufflé and put the cup on a cork disc that I think of as a charger plate for my humble luxuries, and carry everything to the old walnut table in my living room that once belonged to a seamstress and is covered with iron burns and dark traces from a pattern wheel to enjoy.
The loft is seemingly impossible, I think, given the way the cooking traditionalists expect you to separate and isolate and reprocess ingredients for what would be a more orthodox soufflé, and yet it is as they are when I have them in fancier settings, and I savor every single bit, right down to the magical crust one has to scrape from the walls of the cup.
The dingo returns from the kitchen to watch me eat with the kind of intensity dogs have when they truly believe that if they just stare long and hard enough, they will be able to bend your mind around to the conclusion that, as dogs are not obligate carnivores and co-evolved with humans, a tiny bit of people food would not be so bad. I find one little shred of crust, which I first inspect to insure that it is free of onion, and offer it to her on a fork. She accepts this, then jumps onto her redoubt in the green armchair by the window to survey the sidewalk for threats to this pocket kingdom before looking back to me.
With her eyes, I'm fairly certain that she's saying "What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god!" and for the moment, as I lay down my fork and enjoy the last sip of shrub, I am willing to accept this assessment. If home is not the one place in the world where we can escape the cacophony of reinforcement that we are fallen beings, worthy only of endless labor and constant subjugation to the will of assholes with MBAs, just counting out our lives in obligations while our hearts hold back in abeyance, what else is there?
Here at least
we shall be free; the Almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence:
Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
to reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven.
posted by sonascope at 6:51 AM on July 5, 2015 [47 favorites]
I step in the door, heavy toolboxes hanging low in each hand and the bag that amounts to my field office digging into my shoulder, a dingo leaps down from her perch by the window and reminds me that I am, at least for the that moment, the best person in the whole entire world, and I drop my toolboxes and bag, pull off heavy, scuffed-up boots that have made seemingly permanent lines along my toes where the cup of the steel toes end, extract myself from dirty blue bib overalls so frequently repaired from on-site snags that they are like a map of my late-afternoon exhaustion rendered in blanket stitching in black thread, peel off a black t-shirt turned grey from construction grime, and stagger into my kitchen in my drawers.
I warm up my toaster oven to 360 degrees fahrenheit, get out a little two-and-a-half cup straight-sided white ceramic cup, beat two eggs in a bowl, grate an ounce or two of the best cheddar I can afford into the bowl, add some caramelized onions from the week's batch in my refrigerator, take a little grating off an ancient wedge of parmesan and a bit of gruyere I bought last year when I'd been paid for installing artwork in Richmond, dump the whole thing into the cup, put it on a tray on the lowest slot in the toaster oven, and lumber off for a shower to get the drywall grime out of my hair and eyelashes and flush the silverfish out of my beard.
I have timed this ritual out, like most of my rituals, until it is nearly impossible to fail.
I emerge pink, clean, silverfish-free, and vaguely scented of roses from the cheap soap I get at the Indian grocery store next to the laundromat, put on my tartan loungewear, and return to the kitchen, where a towering crown of gorgeously perfect soufflé is waiting for me, so close to touching the glowing quartz bar in the top of the toaster oven that it gets a little hint of sweet burn at the top. I pour myself a glass of seltzer, add a few ounces of the batch of mulberry shrub I make each year after laboriously beating a crop out of the tree in my yard with a broom from a teetering foothold at the top of a ladder. I fill a stainless steel bowl with the usual clatter of kibble, bringing the dingo into my closet-sized kitchen in a state of great anticipation, amending the dish with a little hot water and a few drops of Worcestershire, then look down to her to ask the usual question.
"Shall we demolish Coventry Cathedral, pup?" I ask, and Daisy does a happy little war dance. I lower the bowl with a whistle that descends in pitch like the sound of a bomb falling in a cartoon, and make the sound of an explosion. Daisy dives in, I extract my soufflé and put the cup on a cork disc that I think of as a charger plate for my humble luxuries, and carry everything to the old walnut table in my living room that once belonged to a seamstress and is covered with iron burns and dark traces from a pattern wheel to enjoy.
The loft is seemingly impossible, I think, given the way the cooking traditionalists expect you to separate and isolate and reprocess ingredients for what would be a more orthodox soufflé, and yet it is as they are when I have them in fancier settings, and I savor every single bit, right down to the magical crust one has to scrape from the walls of the cup.
The dingo returns from the kitchen to watch me eat with the kind of intensity dogs have when they truly believe that if they just stare long and hard enough, they will be able to bend your mind around to the conclusion that, as dogs are not obligate carnivores and co-evolved with humans, a tiny bit of people food would not be so bad. I find one little shred of crust, which I first inspect to insure that it is free of onion, and offer it to her on a fork. She accepts this, then jumps onto her redoubt in the green armchair by the window to survey the sidewalk for threats to this pocket kingdom before looking back to me.
With her eyes, I'm fairly certain that she's saying "What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god!" and for the moment, as I lay down my fork and enjoy the last sip of shrub, I am willing to accept this assessment. If home is not the one place in the world where we can escape the cacophony of reinforcement that we are fallen beings, worthy only of endless labor and constant subjugation to the will of assholes with MBAs, just counting out our lives in obligations while our hearts hold back in abeyance, what else is there?
Here at least
we shall be free; the Almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence:
Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
to reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven.
posted by sonascope at 6:51 AM on July 5, 2015 [47 favorites]
Haven't done this for years, but my latchkey kid snack of choice was a large spoonfull of peanut butter in a mug with Ovaltine (powder, the orange one not the yellow abomination) poured over it, dipped and licked sort of like Fun Dip. Chocolate chips added when possible.
Other unobserved-kid things: Butter on saltines. I also went through a period where I licked the salt off saltines and then re-salted them, repeating a few times before starting over with a new saltine. Non-saltine/pretzel salt is so disappointing, though. Chocolate chips in grilled cheese sandwiches and on pb toast and pb&j.
Continuing into adulthood: chocolate chips on toasted bagels with cream cheese. Ditto Ovaltine. Onion or garlic bagels for preference. Ovaltine on vanilla ice cream.
Eating the salt from the bottom of the pretzel bag. Like, digging for it like a cereal prize.
Salad is a finger food.
Bowls for everything remotely possible.
posted by you must supply a verb at 6:54 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Other unobserved-kid things: Butter on saltines. I also went through a period where I licked the salt off saltines and then re-salted them, repeating a few times before starting over with a new saltine. Non-saltine/pretzel salt is so disappointing, though. Chocolate chips in grilled cheese sandwiches and on pb toast and pb&j.
Continuing into adulthood: chocolate chips on toasted bagels with cream cheese. Ditto Ovaltine. Onion or garlic bagels for preference. Ovaltine on vanilla ice cream.
Eating the salt from the bottom of the pretzel bag. Like, digging for it like a cereal prize.
Salad is a finger food.
Bowls for everything remotely possible.
posted by you must supply a verb at 6:54 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
My thing is melting cheese on top of everything. Curry. Leftover Chinese food. Cous cous mixed with olives and vegetarian hot dogs. A whole can of chickpeas, with hot sauce to taste, sometimes mayo. Mayo also goes with everything.
One time I made some ramen with tofu, corn and peas, and I dumped it on a garlic flathead, covered the whole thing with shredded cheese and microwaved it. I called it noodle pizza.
posted by terretu at 7:03 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
One time I made some ramen with tofu, corn and peas, and I dumped it on a garlic flathead, covered the whole thing with shredded cheese and microwaved it. I called it noodle pizza.
posted by terretu at 7:03 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
A handful of croutons taken from a bag, thrown into a jar of Marzetti's blue cheese dressing, poked with a fork a bit until covered, eaten while standing mostly hidden by the refrigerator door, followed by more.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Other unobserved-kid things: Butter on saltines
Oh yes. This was a legit snack for adults back in the day, too. I also specialized in peanut-butter-jelly-and-butter sandwiches on saltines.
I had forgotten about dipping chocolate milk powder into milk and licking it in a crunchy, powdery choco-blast. I suppose kids discover this when some of the powder adheres to the spoon while mixing, and lick it off, and then discover it is a taste sensation all its own.
Sonascope: flagged as fantastic.
posted by Miko at 8:59 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh yes. This was a legit snack for adults back in the day, too. I also specialized in peanut-butter-jelly-and-butter sandwiches on saltines.
I had forgotten about dipping chocolate milk powder into milk and licking it in a crunchy, powdery choco-blast. I suppose kids discover this when some of the powder adheres to the spoon while mixing, and lick it off, and then discover it is a taste sensation all its own.
Sonascope: flagged as fantastic.
posted by Miko at 8:59 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Cambozola on everything.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:15 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
SPAM fried rice. Don't judge me.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 9:38 AM on July 5, 2015
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 9:38 AM on July 5, 2015
Bowls for everything remotely possible.
THIS. EXACTLY. my LIFE is a failure pile in a sadness bowl. Deal with it.
"When you got to the table you couldn't go right to eating, but you had to wait for the widow to tuck down her head and grumble a little over the victuals, though there warn't really anything the matter with them—that is, nothing only everything was cooked by itself. In a barrel of odds and ends it is different; things get mixed up, and the juice kind of swaps around, and the things go better."
-Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 9:48 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
THIS. EXACTLY. my LIFE is a failure pile in a sadness bowl. Deal with it.
"When you got to the table you couldn't go right to eating, but you had to wait for the widow to tuck down her head and grumble a little over the victuals, though there warn't really anything the matter with them—that is, nothing only everything was cooked by itself. In a barrel of odds and ends it is different; things get mixed up, and the juice kind of swaps around, and the things go better."
-Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 9:48 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
We got a slow juicer/food mill contraption a while ago and my partner started using it to grind our own peanut butter. Then I hit upon mixing in sesame oil instead of peanut oil, and now my breakfast peanut butter toast has sriracha and hoisin sauce on it as well. It's like a really bad Thai peanut sauce which is my favorite food ever.
American cheese slices, when I have the excuse to buy them for making cheeseburgers (because no other cheese melts right), never last more than three days with me in the house. I eat them on their own or put three on one burger because that gooey deliciousness is so good.
posted by spitefulcrow at 9:53 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
American cheese slices, when I have the excuse to buy them for making cheeseburgers (because no other cheese melts right), never last more than three days with me in the house. I eat them on their own or put three on one burger because that gooey deliciousness is so good.
posted by spitefulcrow at 9:53 AM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Of things with a short shelf life (h/t to spitefulcrow in this regard) I would say dark brown sugar, which I eat with a spoon. Or if I have a half cup of chunky hot oatmeal, I add about 1/4 cup brown sugar to this. Because no one is looking, it didn't really happen.
posted by datawrangler at 10:16 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by datawrangler at 10:16 AM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
The vegan version of the "melt cheese on everything" comfort foods I'm seeing here is "cover any kind of plain carb in olive oil, nutritional yeast, and a little salt." A little garlic powder or smoked paprika is good too, but not strictly necessary. Rice, toast, mashed potatoes, popcorn, and oatmeal are all acceptable carbs, quinoa is less good but works in a pinch. None of that Daiya cheese substitute crap; the yeast by itself does not taste like dairy cheese at all, but it's lovely and comforting for what it is.
I've never actually been a vegan, but I learned most of my formative cooking schools living in a vegan co-op during my last year of college where we spent many hours procrastinating on exams by making nutritional-yeast covered popcorn. Anything with nutritional yeast tastes like the joy of taking a break after too long staring at textbooks.
posted by ActionPopulated at 11:58 AM on July 5, 2015
I've never actually been a vegan, but I learned most of my formative cooking schools living in a vegan co-op during my last year of college where we spent many hours procrastinating on exams by making nutritional-yeast covered popcorn. Anything with nutritional yeast tastes like the joy of taking a break after too long staring at textbooks.
posted by ActionPopulated at 11:58 AM on July 5, 2015
BTW if you want to make normal cheese melt like shitty processed cheese the answer is to use sodium citrate.
My snack of choice is a handful of triscuits topped with extra sharp Tillamook cheddar. If you cut the slices right you can just snap them in fourths and have the perfect sized square of cheese to top each triscuit. For whatever reason* I am most soothed when I consume them in quantities expressable as a power of two.
It has been hotter than hell and half of Georgia here in Seattle for most of this month, and I have given up cooking in disgust. Dinner is getting increasingly snacklike as a result. On Friday I served my family chunks of salami, fresh mozzarella ciliegine in herbed olive oil with balsamic vinegar on top, sliced up bell peppers, blueberries, and goldfish crackers. If this heat wave doesn't break soon I am not going to be responsible for my actions.
*probably some kind of crippling cognitive dysfunction, lbr
posted by KathrynT at 12:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
My snack of choice is a handful of triscuits topped with extra sharp Tillamook cheddar. If you cut the slices right you can just snap them in fourths and have the perfect sized square of cheese to top each triscuit. For whatever reason* I am most soothed when I consume them in quantities expressable as a power of two.
It has been hotter than hell and half of Georgia here in Seattle for most of this month, and I have given up cooking in disgust. Dinner is getting increasingly snacklike as a result. On Friday I served my family chunks of salami, fresh mozzarella ciliegine in herbed olive oil with balsamic vinegar on top, sliced up bell peppers, blueberries, and goldfish crackers. If this heat wave doesn't break soon I am not going to be responsible for my actions.
*probably some kind of crippling cognitive dysfunction, lbr
posted by KathrynT at 12:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
SPAM fried rice. Don't judge me.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 12:38 PM on July 5 [+] [!]
ಠ_ಠ
j/k
posted by Fizz at 1:14 PM on July 5, 2015
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 12:38 PM on July 5 [+] [!]
ಠ_ಠ
j/k
posted by Fizz at 1:14 PM on July 5, 2015
Margarine over hot rice in the winter; cold milk in cold rice, in the summer.
Hot soba water poured over left over tempura, a pinch of hondashi, a handful of katsuobushi, with soba on top.
Dried squid soaked in oyster sauce, on hot rice, with sunnyside up egg.
cooked sliced Spam dipped in soysauce and sugar, shredded yakinori, all rolled up in a rice wrapper.
Peanut butter banana dog. (hodog bun, peanut butter, banana instead of a hotdog.)
UGH I'M SO HUNGRY.
posted by Sallysings at 2:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hot soba water poured over left over tempura, a pinch of hondashi, a handful of katsuobushi, with soba on top.
Dried squid soaked in oyster sauce, on hot rice, with sunnyside up egg.
cooked sliced Spam dipped in soysauce and sugar, shredded yakinori, all rolled up in a rice wrapper.
Peanut butter banana dog. (hodog bun, peanut butter, banana instead of a hotdog.)
UGH I'M SO HUNGRY.
posted by Sallysings at 2:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I ate a third of a bag of baked tortilla strips with butter on them yesterday. They were really good. I then stood over the sink and emptied the crumbs from the bag into my mouth and licked more butter from the butter knife before I commenced chewing. When desperate I still indulge in a mayo-and-Tabasco sandwich, but this only works on really cheap, overprocessed white bread. The sort of bread that tastes like a dessert.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:44 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:44 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just walked down a busy street while stuffing my face with 7-11 nachos. I may be at peak DGAF.
Nowhere close to peak DGAF. There are many levels above this, one in particular being when you decide that outside of a formal or social setting, there is no legitimate reason against a jar of applesauce being consumed as a beverage.
The only reasonable parameters being that the jar is for your use alone and some form of label identifying it as such, and that you remember that by being in this universe, you are bound by the laws of cause and effect and meter your usage accordingly, as excessive amounts may very well cause your digestive system to issue a prepared statement after a while that's rather critical of your recent decisions.
SPAM fried rice. Don't judge me.
Add some curry powder to the spam when frying it, and I'm all for it. Also, that curry spiced fried spam can also work surprisingly well when chopped into small cubes and added to macaroni and cheese.
While not near DGAF levels, I highly recommend this:
Nowhere close to peak DGAF. There are many levels above this, one in particular being when you decide that outside of a formal or social setting, there is no legitimate reason against a jar of applesauce being consumed as a beverage.
The only reasonable parameters being that the jar is for your use alone and some form of label identifying it as such, and that you remember that by being in this universe, you are bound by the laws of cause and effect and meter your usage accordingly, as excessive amounts may very well cause your digestive system to issue a prepared statement after a while that's rather critical of your recent decisions.
SPAM fried rice. Don't judge me.
Add some curry powder to the spam when frying it, and I'm all for it. Also, that curry spiced fried spam can also work surprisingly well when chopped into small cubes and added to macaroni and cheese.
While not near DGAF levels, I highly recommend this:
1. Make some biscuits and some chicken nuggets in a "real" (not microwave) oven.posted by chambers at 2:49 PM on July 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
2. Heat up 1 can of cream of chicken soup in a pot, and then add a some mixed vegetables (fresh, frozen, or canned - whatever you got lying around), then add various curry spices and a bit of this and that to taste. the idea is to make a very thick gravy/sauce.
3. Place nuggets and biscuits on plate. Cover in the creamy curry veggie sauce. Depending on how many are being served, you will often have extra sauce/gravy afterwards, but will keep for a couple days in the refrigerator, and works well with toast, fried potatoes, cornbread, or even as filling for some sort of bread-bowl like appetizer.
there is no legitimate reason against a jar of applesauce being consumed as a beverage
I'm still waiting to read that someone finds this unreasonable. But if you do, then there's fast apple pie:
Crumble up graham crackers and mix with cinnamon to taste. Put in the bottom of a parfait glass (or a bowl, for you bowl fans, as seen upthread). Top with apple sauce. Then top with Cool Whip (do not sully with real whipped cream).
Consume alone.
posted by datawrangler at 4:43 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm still waiting to read that someone finds this unreasonable. But if you do, then there's fast apple pie:
Crumble up graham crackers and mix with cinnamon to taste. Put in the bottom of a parfait glass (or a bowl, for you bowl fans, as seen upthread). Top with apple sauce. Then top with Cool Whip (do not sully with real whipped cream).
Consume alone.
posted by datawrangler at 4:43 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a child, I used to keep a shaker of Lowry's Seasoned Salt in my bedroom drawer so I could idly dab bits of salt onto my tongue while I read whatever the latest batch of sci-fi / fantasy books. Try explaining to your parents that keeping condiments with your socks is not something they need to worry about.
I think what I eat when alone is not nearly as different than how I eat when alone. My old roommates used to have to rummage through my room for frying pans (hey, why bother to put things on plates!) and would ask me, wide-eyed, "is that half a baguette on your bed? like on your bed, not on a plate?"
posted by spamandkimchi at 5:05 PM on July 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think what I eat when alone is not nearly as different than how I eat when alone. My old roommates used to have to rummage through my room for frying pans (hey, why bother to put things on plates!) and would ask me, wide-eyed, "is that half a baguette on your bed? like on your bed, not on a plate?"
posted by spamandkimchi at 5:05 PM on July 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have bought Velveeta once in my life and can never do so again. The reason I bought it was that, having grown up in a household that never seemed even to acknowledge its existence, and having encountered a two pound slab of it at Costco, I thought it would be a fun thing to try out. The reason I can never buy it again is that when I got it home, I ate it like a giant tin-skinned banana.
posted by darksasami at 6:03 PM on July 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by darksasami at 6:03 PM on July 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
Oh, Velveeta. It's probably not exactly the same but when my eldest brothers were still in the ADF they would sometimes bring me back unused rations back from their little camping trips. One of the regular items in the ADF ration kit of the 80s was a fist-sized steel can that, to me, felt like it weighed about three kilos. And once you sawed it open using the FRED, it was just this...glommy bolus of fallout-orange "cheese", which was apparently cheddar, but regardless of what it was, it was incredible, and I ate every can I was given in one sitting. So, I feel you, darksasami.
Also the tubes of jam were really great too.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also the tubes of jam were really great too.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:20 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, VELVEETA. Well, can't talk about that without talking about mixing a can of Ro-Tel tomatoes into it and eating it on tortilla chips. or, with a spoon. Or, your finger.
posted by Miko at 8:23 PM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 8:23 PM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've just gone through nearly 2 kg of besan (chickpea?) flour in, like, a couple of weeks...
How?
A magical transformation in which I put it in mug, stir with water to slightly thicker than pancake mix, 90 seconds in the microwave, and it rises and comes out as bready-cakey stuff.
I call it mug cake.
I'm still confused though... HOW?
No really - doesn't this kind of thing usually require eggs? And yeast? Or baking-powder-soda-something and effort? Skill? Talent? (I don't bake, can you tell?)
I basically play around with variations on sweet or savoury, and for sweet, adding cinnamon and a spoon of sugar is good, but adding a spoon of golden syrup is better.
Then add butter, maybe eat it with lemoncurd or a bit of yoghurt.
For savoury, I add salt, chilli powder, or rosemary, or a splash of soyasauce. Balsamic vinegar really didn't work (yes, yes we actually tried this).
Break it up and I have dumplings to go with my soup or dinner. Or eaten with butter, maybe cheese.
It's best eaten as soon as it cools sufficiently from the microwave.
Anyway. 2kg gone. But it's ok, I've bought another bag already, I won't run out...
Srsly, I have a wheat allergy, and it is my bready saviour - both cheap, and 20% protein. Other aspects of life are stressing me out, but mug cake is filling the void.
posted by Elysum at 8:29 PM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
How?
A magical transformation in which I put it in mug, stir with water to slightly thicker than pancake mix, 90 seconds in the microwave, and it rises and comes out as bready-cakey stuff.
I call it mug cake.
I'm still confused though... HOW?
No really - doesn't this kind of thing usually require eggs? And yeast? Or baking-powder-soda-something and effort? Skill? Talent? (I don't bake, can you tell?)
I basically play around with variations on sweet or savoury, and for sweet, adding cinnamon and a spoon of sugar is good, but adding a spoon of golden syrup is better.
Then add butter, maybe eat it with lemoncurd or a bit of yoghurt.
For savoury, I add salt, chilli powder, or rosemary, or a splash of soyasauce. Balsamic vinegar really didn't work (yes, yes we actually tried this).
Break it up and I have dumplings to go with my soup or dinner. Or eaten with butter, maybe cheese.
It's best eaten as soon as it cools sufficiently from the microwave.
Anyway. 2kg gone. But it's ok, I've bought another bag already, I won't run out...
Srsly, I have a wheat allergy, and it is my bready saviour - both cheap, and 20% protein. Other aspects of life are stressing me out, but mug cake is filling the void.
posted by Elysum at 8:29 PM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Bonus snacks:
Anything in a microwave.
Did you know if you heat fizzy drink in a microwave, it'll come out hot and still fizzy?
posted by Elysum at 8:30 PM on July 5, 2015
Anything in a microwave.
Did you know if you heat fizzy drink in a microwave, it'll come out hot and still fizzy?
posted by Elysum at 8:30 PM on July 5, 2015
I'm still confused though... HOW?
Steam works as a leavening agent. I don't know the exact type of starch(es) in chickpea flour; I do know that they create enough structure to hold a shape. So, I think what's happening is that the water is turning to steam, creating bubbles surrounded by flour. At the same time, the water is activating the starches and making them bind together. Most of the water gets cooked off, leaving the starch matrix behind.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:43 PM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Steam works as a leavening agent. I don't know the exact type of starch(es) in chickpea flour; I do know that they create enough structure to hold a shape. So, I think what's happening is that the water is turning to steam, creating bubbles surrounded by flour. At the same time, the water is activating the starches and making them bind together. Most of the water gets cooked off, leaving the starch matrix behind.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:43 PM on July 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
As a child, I used to keep a shaker of Lowry's Seasoned Salt in my bedroom drawer so I could idly dab bits of salt onto my tongue while I read whatever the latest batch of sci-fi / fantasy books. Try explaining to your parents that keeping condiments with your socks is not something they need to worry about.
That reminded me... I've always loved really sour things. When I was a kid, I used to sneak into our pantry and lick my finger and dip it into the powder of the instant Country Time Lemonade (that came in the bigger containers). Man, that would make my face pucker. Sort of like the sugar in the Fun Dip candy on steroids.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:48 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
That reminded me... I've always loved really sour things. When I was a kid, I used to sneak into our pantry and lick my finger and dip it into the powder of the instant Country Time Lemonade (that came in the bigger containers). Man, that would make my face pucker. Sort of like the sugar in the Fun Dip candy on steroids.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:48 PM on July 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Srsly, I have a wheat allergy, and it is my bready saviour - both cheap, and 20% protein. Other aspects of life are stressing me out, but mug cake is filling the void.
That stuff sounds amazing. I must investigate!
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:25 AM on July 6, 2015
That stuff sounds amazing. I must investigate!
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:25 AM on July 6, 2015
That reminded me... I've always loved really sour things. When I was a kid, I used to sneak into our pantry and lick my finger and dip it into the powder of the instant Country Time Lemonade (that came in the bigger containers). Man, that would make my face pucker. Sort of like the sugar in the Fun Dip candy on steroids.
My older cousin and I would often watch movies in the basement, each with a small bowl of Country Time lemonade mix, and a shared bowl of mini ice cubes. Dip ice cube in lemonade mix, lick, repeat, occasionally chew a cube. Delicious.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:05 AM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
My older cousin and I would often watch movies in the basement, each with a small bowl of Country Time lemonade mix, and a shared bowl of mini ice cubes. Dip ice cube in lemonade mix, lick, repeat, occasionally chew a cube. Delicious.
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:05 AM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
You people have the best snack ideas. Best post evar.
I was raised on Velveeta and really can't face it anymore as a result. Cheese slices in plastic, as God intended, were not allowed because unhealthy. I just remember it as so... sticky.
Ostriches, on the other hand, like Velveeta and crackers enough to walk alongside a moving car at a theme park drive-through safari thingy, having wedged their heads through the cracked window, pecking the shit out of an 8-year-old's sad warm tupperware lunch.
posted by you must supply a verb at 7:06 AM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was raised on Velveeta and really can't face it anymore as a result. Cheese slices in plastic, as God intended, were not allowed because unhealthy. I just remember it as so... sticky.
Ostriches, on the other hand, like Velveeta and crackers enough to walk alongside a moving car at a theme park drive-through safari thingy, having wedged their heads through the cracked window, pecking the shit out of an 8-year-old's sad warm tupperware lunch.
posted by you must supply a verb at 7:06 AM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Peanut butter, strawberry jam, and mayo sandwiches
Rice with lemon butter. Or butter and lemon pepper.
Leftover rice topped with half-and-half, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a drizzle of maple syrup, then microwaved for 45 seconds
Golden grahams cereal with condensed milk instead of regular milk
posted by belladonna at 8:42 AM on July 6, 2015
Rice with lemon butter. Or butter and lemon pepper.
Leftover rice topped with half-and-half, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a drizzle of maple syrup, then microwaved for 45 seconds
Golden grahams cereal with condensed milk instead of regular milk
posted by belladonna at 8:42 AM on July 6, 2015
8 or so mini frozen veg. spring rolls and 8 or so frozen veg. potstickers, fried up in the same pan until approx 4/5 of the surface area of most of the items seems cooked. Garlic ponzu, duck sauce, and hoisin sauce for random dipping. And a towel to cover my head and hide my shame from God.
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I stress-eat raw pasta because I find the crunch very satisfying and therapeutic and also because I can pretend they are the bones of my enemies.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:26 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:26 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had a naked, not even butter on it fried egg sandwich this morning cause I had a bun left over from making burgers and I didn't feel like making a proper sandwich and now I feel guilty cause WHITE FLOUR?!?!?! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR LEGS CHOPPED OFF BY THE END OF THE DAY
posted by The Whelk at 10:55 AM on July 7, 2015
posted by The Whelk at 10:55 AM on July 7, 2015
raw instant ramen noodles have a superior crunch imho.
Whelk stop this nonsense and go bake the bread I gave you the recipe for. Eat it hot out of the oven with a pound of butter and maybe some jam.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:34 AM on July 7, 2015
Whelk stop this nonsense and go bake the bread I gave you the recipe for. Eat it hot out of the oven with a pound of butter and maybe some jam.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:34 AM on July 7, 2015
I stress-eat raw pasta
Oh. I'm not alone. (Well, I don't do it much anymore since I grind my teeth too much and my dentist whines if I chew on unnecessarily hard things). But still, past me isn't alone.
What a relief.
posted by nat at 1:04 PM on July 7, 2015
Oh. I'm not alone. (Well, I don't do it much anymore since I grind my teeth too much and my dentist whines if I chew on unnecessarily hard things). But still, past me isn't alone.
What a relief.
posted by nat at 1:04 PM on July 7, 2015
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*like the angriest gorilla in the world
posted by poffin boffin at 2:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [21 favorites]