And the Winner is... Heart of Gold!
July 19, 2015 9:34 AM   Subscribe

The fastest ships in the universe. All universes, sci-fi and otherwise, that is.
posted by Melismata (66 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
 
A multiverse without books is no multiverse I wanna exist in.

I had no idea Tie-fighters were so quick.
posted by notyou at 9:54 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


They have to be, they have no shields.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:56 AM on July 19, 2015 [15 favorites]


*smashes fist on table* WHERE IS THE NORMANDY?
posted by The Whelk at 9:56 AM on July 19, 2015 [8 favorites]


this post is scientifically inaccurate and i'm gonna cry
posted by Avenger at 9:57 AM on July 19, 2015 [8 favorites]


Speeds seem arbitrary. I would consider the Tardis and HoG teleport machines.
posted by Bringer Tom at 10:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


Everyone knows that the Starship Bistromath is faster than the Heart of Gold.
posted by zabuni at 10:01 AM on July 19, 2015 [35 favorites]


Also if it's "fastest" sub-c class needs to factor impulse, not acceleration.
posted by Bringer Tom at 10:02 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


No Bloater Drive? I do not like this list.
posted by erdferkel at 10:02 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don't see the Silver Surfer on here anywhere.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:09 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


Beaten to the punch by zabuni. It might be safer, as you skip the “mucking about with Improbability Factors”, but is the Bistromath ever said to be faster?
posted by Martijn at 10:10 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


Guys

Maybe the fastest ship

Is friendship
posted by The Whelk at 10:11 AM on July 19, 2015 [142 favorites]


As the Tardis can travel through time then it's potential 'speed' is effectively infinite
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:12 AM on July 19, 2015


Someone once asked a Battlestar Galactica writer just how fast the Viper could travel. He gave the most honest answer any sci-fi writer can give: "It travels at the speed of the narrative."

I don't know if the writer then dropped the mic and did the Jay-Z shoulder brush thing and cracked open a beer or whatever, but he should've.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 10:12 AM on July 19, 2015 [39 favorites]


Why did Fat Wallet make this infographic? Oh wait, we're doing it now.
posted by Stoatfarm at 10:15 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


Bistromath made the Heart of Gold "look like an electric pram".
And what about the Culture ships taking energy from the grids? Too handwavy (er in relation to bistromaths I mean... er.. ok)
posted by runincircles at 10:18 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


But what if the Tardis was travelling on board the Bistromath?
posted by Foosnark at 10:22 AM on July 19, 2015


Never, ever open up a Mary Poppins Bag inside a Tardis.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:24 AM on July 19, 2015 [12 favorites]


so what if you have a train going at the speed of light

and then you have a racecar on that train
posted by solarion at 10:32 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


At the very end of "Have Spacesuit, Will Travel", Mother Thing delivers the two humans back to earth before the time when they left.

How do you calculate a speed from that? Small Magellenic Cloud to Milky Way in minus 8 months?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 10:49 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]


As the Tardis can travel through time then it's potential 'speed' is effectively infinite

Only to an outside observer. To someone on board it still takes subjective time to get anywhere or anywhen, so it depends on your need for speed. If you need to get there because you ate poison and the only hospital is on the other side of the universe, time travel won't help you. (In this case Doctor should have left you where you were and gone and fetched you a actual doctor, time-traveling back to the exact moment he left, because then from your perspective it would be instantaneous.)
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:55 AM on July 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


Voyager? Jet engine?

Guys, if you're going to play, bring some game.

Anyway, the Cheddite Projector on the Pleasantville Eagle could do instantaneous translation, so all else is moot.
posted by Devonian at 11:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. Plus, I've made a lot of special modifications myself.
posted by valkane at 11:14 AM on July 19, 2015 [9 favorites]


Yeah, seriously, no Bistromath? I reject this list. It is a false list filled with falsehoods.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 11:26 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm just quietly nerdraging that the engines listed for most of the Star Wars ships are their sublight drives, even though the graphic is giving their FTL speeds.
posted by ckape at 11:29 AM on July 19, 2015 [13 favorites]


Missing Superlifter Kiss My Ass and GSV Sleeper Service.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:52 AM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]


Came in to make sure people had noted that the way the Bistromath had just moved made the Heart of Gold look like an electric pram; was not disappointed.
posted by Ickster at 11:58 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


They have Cuthbert Calculus' Moon Rocket. My nerdery is sufficiently satisfied.
posted by Kattullus at 12:14 PM on July 19, 2015 [5 favorites]


You can always tell when a book was written before the Tesla electric pram changed everything.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:59 PM on July 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


I've always held that for the math to work, the effective speed of the TARDIS has to be zero.

That being said, the Bistromath making the Heart of Gold look like an electric pram makes me wonder if someone mislabeled the Sleeper Service.
posted by Sphinx at 1:28 PM on July 19, 2015


The panels from Heart of Gold were later used on the bridge of Scorpio, but I suppose even with the photonic drive it did not go as fast.
posted by biffa at 1:52 PM on July 19, 2015


The Hwang Ho is also missing. It would have placed between the prawn mothership and the one from Spaceballs. Not too bad, if you can stand the screams of dying 5th-dimensional stars.
posted by TedW at 2:13 PM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm just quietly nerdraging that the engines listed for most of the Star Wars ships are their sublight drives, even though the graphic is giving their FTL speeds.

Not to mention that the Event Horizon's non-conventional drive (since I can't think of another way to refer to it) folds space, which should put it up there with Heart of Gold and the Tardis, in the same way that a Spacing Guild Heighliner from Dune would be if it were included in this list.

This list is invalid.
posted by warbucks at 2:14 PM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm disappointed to note the omission of one of Kris Straub's greatest creations: The Starslip Drive (from the webcomic of the same name, although ironically they were both originally called "Starshift" which had to be changed due to a copyright claim of prior somethingorother, and which was accomplished during a StarShiftSlip maneuver).

Anyway, for instantaneous relocation in the universe, "swapping the ship with a version in a parallel universe where it's already where you want to go" is as good as Infinite Improbability Drive AND much more fuel efficient. (AND just as conceptually hilarious, IMO)
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:21 PM on July 19, 2015


is it possible to watch blake's 7 now? i only saw some episodes at the time, and ended up confused. guess i should go torrent hunting...
posted by andrewcooke at 2:34 PM on July 19, 2015


I can't remember which anime said the ship was going past the speed of light to the "speed of thought." And I'm like, that's really very slow -- it takes me a few seconds at least to decide what to have for lunch.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:47 PM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


Smatterings of speeds/accelerations from universes that don't, really, make sense and then listing them with numbers that don't make sense even within the universes they're drawn from, and now I feel I have to ask them to show their work.

"I dunno, pick four billion seven hundred and fifty million C for this one."
posted by chimaera at 3:02 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


is it possible to watch blake's 7 now

In the UK you have to buy or rent the DVD, no Netflix or Prime, I can't imagine there is much demand elsewhere so torrent may be the way forward for you. They aren't complicated, a bit cheap and shoddy really, with extra ham.
posted by biffa at 3:12 PM on July 19, 2015


cheap and shoddy? orac had disco lights!
posted by andrewcooke at 3:58 PM on July 19, 2015


The thing about instantaneous space-folding ships is that they're generally not instantaneous. For example, the Heart of Gold involved a lot of counting down through improbabilities. On the other hand, the Bistromath required getting through a mildly irritating Italian dinner, which I'm going to guess actually took longer, due to the fact that the calculations were done by hand, and the extra time required just to get a table. So while the Bistromath was a more amazing ride, I doubt it was actually faster.
posted by darksasami at 4:05 PM on July 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


but what if the Bistromath is on a conveyor belt going the other way
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:13 PM on July 19, 2015 [8 favorites]


cheap and shoddy? orac had disco lights!

Notably, one of the spaceships basically consists of two hairdryers stuck together and given a respray. Not sure how fast it is.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:19 PM on July 19, 2015


Somebody needs to take a closer look at the methodology. Only one of the ships on this list ever made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. That's basic science.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 4:19 PM on July 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


I just came in to ruin this 42 comment thread.
posted by sourwookie at 5:02 PM on July 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


If I ever publish a space opera novel, the main ship in it will be said to be so fast that it will always be at the top of lists like these.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


Just the other day I saw a Voyager episode where Tom Paris got a modified shuttlecraft up to warp 10 which was like infinite speed or something and then he was everywhere in the universe at the same time and then for some stupid reason he turned into a lizard.
posted by rocket88 at 8:31 PM on July 19, 2015 [8 favorites]


That was the episode that proved that at "Warp 10", you Jumped the shark.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:59 PM on July 19, 2015


Metafilter: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts.

(Would you say that the Millennium Falcon is "professional [smuggler] white"?)
posted by wenestvedt at 9:06 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


If I ever publish a space opera novel, the main ship in it will be said to be so fast that it will always be at the top of lists like these.

Heart of Gold, huh? Well, my spaceship can go a LARGER infinity times c!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:32 PM on July 19, 2015


Gay Deceiver from Robert A Heinlein's Number of the Beast also deserves a mention in the FTL category. At the heart of its drive is a gizmo that uses translations & transforms of our 4D observable universe into a 6D one & allows instantaneous travel through time, space & parallel worlds including fictional ones like Oz & Barsoom. It also contains TARDIS-like extra-dimensional rooms accessible from behind the bulkhead (helpfully installed while in Oz) & a sentient control system capable of executing complex sequences via voice commands (really a must-have for any ship with advanced capabilities).
posted by scalefree at 10:56 PM on July 19, 2015 [4 favorites]


I think Gay Deciever would also beat out any of these ships in the amount of sex performed on it that an author was willing to acknowledge in the narrative.
posted by egypturnash at 11:45 PM on July 19, 2015 [3 favorites]


I think Gay Deciever would also beat out any of these ships in the amount of sex performed on it that an author was willing to acknowledge in the narrative.

How fast can you travel using the Sex Drive?
posted by chavenet at 12:08 AM on July 20, 2015


True. It was written at the height of his "brain tumor" period which affected the content of his writing to increase the prevalence of sex in it.
posted by scalefree at 12:10 AM on July 20, 2015


And to think the writers of that Voyagers episode have no such excuse.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:42 AM on July 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Santa Claus not even mentioned? He probably aces all the rest on cornering.
posted by rongorongo at 12:45 AM on July 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


Heinlein created so many ship drives, didn't he?

The one I thought would be interesting to see would be the inertialess drive (was it named "Libby Drive" or just invented by Libby?) in "Methuselah's Children." Which instantaneous motion ship can go faster is one argument, but figuring out just how fast they could go with the inertialess drive would be interesting physics, since Heinlein himself ended up hand-waving it.
posted by galadriel at 1:05 AM on July 20, 2015


Yeah if you're including stuff like the HoG why are e.g. Minbari heavy cruisers (the most beautiful spaceships ever created for film and if you disagree you are wrong and also I will cut you) not?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:32 AM on July 20, 2015


Just the other day I saw a Voyager episode where Tom Paris got a modified shuttlecraft up to warp 10 which was like infinite speed or something and then he was everywhere in the universe at the same time and then for some stupid reason he turned into a lizard.

The next Proceedings of the Starfleet Astrogation Society will pubish a comment from T. Paris entitled "The Ickenomics of High Warp Factors in Small Craft."
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:34 AM on July 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think Gay Deciever would also beat out any of these ships in the amount of sex performed on it that an author was willing to acknowledge in the narrative.

Yes, but only because of the unforgivable omission of The Milano. If you took a black light in there it would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
posted by The Bellman at 8:00 AM on July 20, 2015


The one I thought would be interesting to see would be the inertialess drive (was it named "Libby Drive" or just invented by Libby?) in "Methuselah's Children."

Credit for the inertialess drive goes to Doc Smith in Lensmen.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:22 AM on July 20, 2015


My plea for a missing cool ship: Rama. Wikipedia says 0.02g if the cylindrical sea is liquid, >10g when the cylindrical sea is frozen. Nowhere near the top of the list for raw speed, but surely there are bonus points available for ships big enough that the state of the internal sea is a consideration.

(Also, where the hell is my high production value Rama miniseries and/or film trilogy? Great story, awesome female lead characters*, and scope for an effects house to have some serious fun depicting the environment and critters.)

*...I might be mis-remembering this, it's well over a decade since I last read it.

Someone once asked a Battlestar Galactica writer just how fast the Viper could travel. He gave the most honest answer any sci-fi writer can give: "It travels at the speed of the narrative."

I'm sure I remember reading an interview in which an early Star Trek writer, pressed for details about the Warp Drive, said something along the lines "the Enterprise has two speeds: fast enough and not fast enough".

Minbari heavy cruisers (the most beautiful spaceships ever created for film
QFMFT. Maybe the White Star ships edge them out slightly, but it's a similar design.

The Babylon 5 CGI definitely shows its age (although it's frankly astonishing for the time and hardware they were working on), but the sheer artistry and attention to detail in that universe's ships is unsurpassed IMO. From scorches and dings on the station's hull to reaction thruster plumes when the starfuries are manoeuvring, and the dark, predatory poise of the Shadow cruisers. There was a diversity of ship design and aesthetic that Star Trek never managed, in my opinion.
posted by metaBugs at 10:27 AM on July 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Credit for the inertialess drive goes to Doc Smith in Lensmen."

Oooh, thanks, I'll move that further up the "get to it eventually" list.
posted by galadriel at 11:58 AM on July 20, 2015


In Wall-E, is it ever indicated that the Axiom has FTL capabilities? I don't remember that (though it might be part of the return home and I just forgot it) but I can't imagine why it would need them.

Where are they possibly getting those numbers for the Planet Express Ship? The ship specifically travels at only 99% 31st-century light speed (though that is faster than our primitive, 21st century light speed, it is still distinctly not FTL.)

And what's with death? Am I missing something?
posted by Navelgazer at 1:57 PM on July 20, 2015


Pratchett's personification of Death, presumably.
posted by snuffleupagus at 4:55 PM on July 20, 2015


Maybe the White Star ships edge them out slightly,

I don't know what drugs you're doing but I'd like some because their ability to deny reality is pretty damn awesome
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:51 PM on July 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


metaBugs: "(Also, where the hell is my high production value Rama miniseries and/or film trilogy? Great story, awesome female lead characters*, and scope for an effects house to have some serious fun depicting the environment and critters.)

*...I might be mis-remembering this, it's well over a decade since I last read it.
"

I think you are. As best I can tell, Rendezvous with Rama had no characters whatsoever.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:04 AM on July 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hah, looking back at plot synopses online, that seems fair. Apparently I was thinking of the later books, at least a couple of which are mostly (entirely?) told from the point of view of Francesca Sabetini and, later, one of her daughters. Teenage me thought they were cool characters, but admittedly I was reading a lot of Asimov, Clarke, EE Doc Smith, etc, around that time, so the bar for "engaging female character" was set pretty damn low.
posted by metaBugs at 5:24 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


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