I’ve been a self-starter since I started myself, by myself.
July 23, 2015 6:26 AM Subscribe
TOP QUALITY PROFESSIONAL SEEKS ALL POSITIONS. By Kate Nacy at McSweeny's Internet Tendency. Previously.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:51 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:51 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am devoid of all characteristics except the exact ones you are seeking, and yes, that includes knowing how to work that one coffeemaker in the west break room.
Hiring me will increase the productivity of all people sitting within a 20 foot radius of my cube by 10%.
My voice on the phone will put your clients into a trancelike, susceptible state wherein they will agree to any and all changes to the project or schedule.
posted by emjaybee at 7:16 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hiring me will increase the productivity of all people sitting within a 20 foot radius of my cube by 10%.
My voice on the phone will put your clients into a trancelike, susceptible state wherein they will agree to any and all changes to the project or schedule.
posted by emjaybee at 7:16 AM on July 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's an update of the 'best college essay of all time' that was floating around a few years back
posted by Archibald Edmund Binns at 7:22 AM on July 23, 2015
posted by Archibald Edmund Binns at 7:22 AM on July 23, 2015
It reads like what someone might write if told "write something that you would have found in McSweeney's circa 2000."
I had no idea that the McSweeney's website was still around, and amused to see that it's publishing exactly the same stuff that it published fifteen or twenty years ago.
posted by jayder at 7:52 AM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I had no idea that the McSweeney's website was still around, and amused to see that it's publishing exactly the same stuff that it published fifteen or twenty years ago.
posted by jayder at 7:52 AM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you hire me I promise to try my absolute hardest to step outside the office when I fart.
If you would be willing to crop-dust the marketing office, you're hired.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:52 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well even without clicking I can tell that it's better than my pathetic resume, gotta update, refresh, rewrite, revise; but before I get to that my sock drawer desperately needs a reorg.
posted by sammyo at 8:05 AM on July 23, 2015
posted by sammyo at 8:05 AM on July 23, 2015
I own the copyright to the following phrase: “Would you like a little-tay or a latte?”
posted by and for no one at 9:37 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by and for no one at 9:37 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
TOP QUALITY PROFESSIONAL SEEKS ALL POSITIONS by Kay Masutra
posted by chavenet at 10:56 AM on July 23, 2015
posted by chavenet at 10:56 AM on July 23, 2015
Also know when to quit.
posted by nofundy at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nofundy at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
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She forgot to include "Proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint."
posted by Cash4Lead at 6:43 AM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]