"In the mirror, I am just Tyler"
August 12, 2015 5:02 AM Subscribe
"I have always felt like a walking brain, living in my head while everyone around me seemed to have some innate understanding of their bodies: how they moved, what they desired. " -- Tyler Ford talks about living their life as an agender person.
Interesting essay. I like being challenged on things, and find gender issues of particular interest. I regularly buy clothing with consideration for fit over gender and am surprised when others express concern, and ask them why most things need to be gender-specific at all, with interesting results. The whole M/F model is so ingrained that questioning it is a revolutionary act.
Tyler is lovely, and has wonderful fashion sense, and it is heartening to know they have learned to embrace and express something which does indeed make people squirm. Also a good reminder to remain open and sensitive to pronoun issues!
posted by kinnakeet at 7:21 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Tyler is lovely, and has wonderful fashion sense, and it is heartening to know they have learned to embrace and express something which does indeed make people squirm. Also a good reminder to remain open and sensitive to pronoun issues!
posted by kinnakeet at 7:21 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
What an inspirational article!!! I have two sons, ages 2 and 4, and this is my dream to have them throw off the oppressive nature of our gender stereotyping and I'm coming to think that the only way of doing so is not to discuss male/female but to just forget about discussing gender. I hope that their generation is freeer with choices, especially for boys, than it was for mine. Good for Tyler! I will have to read stories about them to my kids.
posted by biggreenplant at 8:07 AM on August 12, 2015
posted by biggreenplant at 8:07 AM on August 12, 2015
biggreenplant, I respect your choices and goals for raising your own kids, but I think it's a little more complex than that. Gender may be a social construct, and a spectrum, but for a lot of people it's really important for their self-definition. There's clearly a difference between the complications of gender stereotyping (affecting everyone) and the difficulties faced by people who identify as trans, agender or other non-mainstream identities.
I don't think you can avoid talking about gender; it's a framework for how we experience our lives. Discussing it MORE, however -- precisely because of all of the ridiculous stereotypes, as you've said -- is probably a good thing.
It would be great if we could give kids the freedom to make these discoveries surrounded by support, and you sound like you're aiming for the right stuff :)
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:29 AM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't think you can avoid talking about gender; it's a framework for how we experience our lives. Discussing it MORE, however -- precisely because of all of the ridiculous stereotypes, as you've said -- is probably a good thing.
It would be great if we could give kids the freedom to make these discoveries surrounded by support, and you sound like you're aiming for the right stuff :)
posted by St. Hubbins at 8:29 AM on August 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
My sister is Transgender. I fully respect her choice and of course my son's can identify however they choose. I really do believe though that the sooner we stop referring to bots/girls for children the better it will be. There is so much social construct to gender with kids. I do agree with you though in general about gender and definitely to finally identify publicly as female was a balm for my sister. But for me agender stories are desperately needed in our society. (I mean, I think we are on the same page but I have trouble putting all my thoughts into this little text box. Thanks for reminding everyone that for some a specific gender identity is key)
posted by biggreenplant at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2015
posted by biggreenplant at 9:17 AM on August 12, 2015
the idea of having sex with anyone felt so distant from my everyday desires that I was not sure how to, or if I even wanted to.I noted that Tyler never uses the term "asexual" and am curious what sort of overlap or relationship there may be between being agender and asexual. I wish them all the best.
posted by psoas at 12:33 PM on August 12, 2015
Psoas; just like you can't necessarily conflate gender identity and sexuality for people with binary gender identities (ie, there are gay and straight trans men and women), asexuality and agender identity don't always correlate either.
Further reading: here is a thing a friend of mine wrote about agender visibility in relation to their own identity.
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:03 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Further reading: here is a thing a friend of mine wrote about agender visibility in relation to their own identity.
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:03 PM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
My sister is Transgender. I fully respect her choice
It's not a choice!
posted by desjardins at 1:30 PM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's not a choice!
posted by desjardins at 1:30 PM on August 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
you can't necessarily conflate gender identity and sexuality
I'm not. I'm wondering about overlap in terms of how often the two may co-occur.
posted by psoas at 2:42 PM on August 12, 2015
I'm not. I'm wondering about overlap in terms of how often the two may co-occur.
posted by psoas at 2:42 PM on August 12, 2015
I envy kids growing up now and in the future. they can maybe avoid getting things as wrong as in the past, the subtle unconscious or subconscious beliefs and misunderstandings that our culture teaches us about others, or ourselves.
posted by gryftir at 3:12 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by gryftir at 3:12 PM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's not a choice!
Sorry, I was posting from my phone and on my way to the subway. Of course my sister has always been transgender. Her being transgender was never a choice. My mistake in use of the word, or rather in my lack of description following. I was more referring to her realizing at one point to live her truth and choose (in a very nuanced sense of 'choose', and realizing that it was not an easy or frivolous choice) to present as male.. Trust enough to know that I know my sister and what went into her decision (because we discussed it numerous times throughout her transition process). My sister and I have a good relationship and I am speaking about us and what she told me. I am in no way speaking a universal truth for all trans* people. Likewise my sentence about my kids seemed to imply they could choose a gender identity. Naw, again, I just meant that I hope that they will feel free enough to choose how to dress/present/be regardless of gender identity. Okay my note to self is that I need to be more careful about my language. Certainly language counts.
Back to the article, being a mother of sons I am just so excited to see someone visibly challenging our ideas of what gender means. I think for girls there are more clothing choices but in many ways it seems that boys' clothing is more gendered than ever and with that a whole bunch of assumptions about what it means to be 'male' (again, speaking about shopping for children's clothes in Canada), so I like to see someone like Tyler who makes their own rules.
posted by biggreenplant at 5:41 PM on August 12, 2015
Sorry, I was posting from my phone and on my way to the subway. Of course my sister has always been transgender. Her being transgender was never a choice. My mistake in use of the word, or rather in my lack of description following. I was more referring to her realizing at one point to live her truth and choose (in a very nuanced sense of 'choose', and realizing that it was not an easy or frivolous choice) to present as male.. Trust enough to know that I know my sister and what went into her decision (because we discussed it numerous times throughout her transition process). My sister and I have a good relationship and I am speaking about us and what she told me. I am in no way speaking a universal truth for all trans* people. Likewise my sentence about my kids seemed to imply they could choose a gender identity. Naw, again, I just meant that I hope that they will feel free enough to choose how to dress/present/be regardless of gender identity. Okay my note to self is that I need to be more careful about my language. Certainly language counts.
Back to the article, being a mother of sons I am just so excited to see someone visibly challenging our ideas of what gender means. I think for girls there are more clothing choices but in many ways it seems that boys' clothing is more gendered than ever and with that a whole bunch of assumptions about what it means to be 'male' (again, speaking about shopping for children's clothes in Canada), so I like to see someone like Tyler who makes their own rules.
posted by biggreenplant at 5:41 PM on August 12, 2015
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posted by MartinWisse at 5:03 AM on August 12, 2015 [2 favorites]