July in Osaka
August 17, 2015 5:26 PM   Subscribe

You’ve decided on a life of letters. You’ve got that manuscript you workshopped getting your MFA, an agent, and a publisher. Congratulations! You’re well on your way to being a critical darling. Now all you need is a catchy title. Lucky for you, this handy guide will help you title your book, and every book you write in your illustrious career. Janet Potter (previously) at The Millions (previously)
posted by davidjmcgee (82 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
Look for my disappointing sophomore effort, Become a Shape-Shifter.

Not a totally unpromising title for the hot werewolf sex market. The disappointing part will be that there isn't any. HOHO.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:38 PM on August 17, 2015


My disappointing sophomore effort is And Grow Evermore Lighter and Lighter which is TOTALLY a book I'd want to read.
posted by davidjmcgee at 5:44 PM on August 17, 2015 [5 favorites]


The Optometrist's Son

"Eye-opening" —Booklist

by the author of Pounded in the Ass by Almonds on High Street
posted by infinitewindow at 5:46 PM on August 17, 2015 [9 favorites]


Dammit, I wanna follow the guys' rules for the second novel, because Venture In The Slipstream sounds way better than The Designer's Daughter.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:51 PM on August 17, 2015 [5 favorites]


It follows my debut, Clean Horses on Pea Vine.

on the assumption that that is what Mane 'n' Tail smells like. It's extremely literary because of the noun/verb ambiguity.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:54 PM on August 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


You'd all read Mornings Galaxy about a husky boy in rural Ohio trying to figure out the world and how to get his hands on illicit Star Wars novels banned by his fundamentalist father.
posted by Tevin at 6:14 PM on August 17, 2015


The title of my new book is Security Questions, Social Engineering, and You!
posted by Room 641-A at 6:17 PM on August 17, 2015 [12 favorites]


The male's instructions for titling your second novel sound like so much work, but then I think of all I've heard (read, observed, considered, &c) about what it's like being a woman in the world today (or, basically, at any other point in history), and I think "Yeah, okay, it's not a big deal that I can't just go with The Programmer's Daughter."
posted by cardioid at 6:32 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Second novel formula yields "Chalk Line Dollar Sign" for me
posted by thelonius at 6:34 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unscented on County Road 14
The Jack of all Trades To Make Ends Meet Daughter or the guy's version, I Fit Nearly
Triceratops Battle of the Little Bighorn or maybe just Triceratops Battlefield
The Ball Bucket Carrier
April in Leeds
goddamn that'd be a depressing book
The Wisdom of Lens Wipes
Autumnwhatthefuck

. . . these are just terrible, terrible. Obviously my life hasn't prepared me for any kind of literary fame whatsoever.
posted by barchan at 6:38 PM on August 17, 2015 [10 favorites]


Kitten Art Museum
The Cashier
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:41 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


LOL, this is great. It sounds like it should work, but in some cases it so, so doesn't -

Debut Novel: Unscented Pana Road
Sophomore effort: The Engineer's Daughter
Reputation rescuing collection of stories: Cat water slide
Legacy Building novel: The Strawberry Pickers
Another Literary Novel: December in Chicago
the not-new novel: The wisdom of clip-on sunglasses
Final novel: Autumwhy
posted by LN at 6:42 PM on August 17, 2015


We're going to have to work something out so that not all mefites try to publish The Cat Museum. (I call dibs if no more equitable method gets worked out.)
posted by Frowner at 6:45 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Room 641-A nailed it.
posted by univac at 6:51 PM on August 17, 2015


I have two different kinds of deoderant on my bathroom shelf right now and they yield two wildly different debut novels:

Clean Comfort on Carter Road

Extreme Blast on Carter Road

posted by cmaxmagee at 6:52 PM on August 17, 2015 [9 favorites]


Body Envy on Heathfield Court
Our Mistress' Health We'll Now Begin
Wallaby Farm
The Retail Clerks of Alameda County
January in Quebec
The Wisdom of an Instrument Tuner
Autumnwhat

posted by teponaztli at 7:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


seaweed on central park west sounds really irredeemably terrible but the Big Pharma exec's daughter could be a surprise hit
posted by poffin boffin at 7:10 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


None of mine are particularly interesting, except for my "let's make money" book, The Wisdom of Adderall, which I would totally read
posted by Lucinda at 7:30 PM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


Clean on Braxtonshire Court
We Nearly Signed It With Our Blood
The Fennec Museum
The Line Cooks
October in Vancouver
The Wisdom of Antacid
Springwhy?

posted by Navelgazer at 7:32 PM on August 17, 2015


Some Old Spice Shit on Katrina Lane
Shivering Furry Holes
Rhinoceros Beetle Airfield
The Lab Assistant
March in Vancouver
The Wisdom of AA Batteries
Springwhat

posted by prize bull octorok at 7:38 PM on August 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


Look forward to "April in Guadalajara" followed immediately by "The Wisdom of Toddler Food Pouch." I knew I missed my true calling.
posted by town of cats at 7:51 PM on August 17, 2015


Debut: Fruity, I guess, on Polar Street
Sophomore Effort: The Heavy Equipment Operator's Daughter or Leaning on the Edge of E.
Short Stories: The Alpaca Mine
Legacy Novel: The Waitress or The Waitresses of Toronto, perhaps.
Not a Fluke: March in Munich
Revenue Generator: The Wisdom of Pennies
Final Novel: Fallwhy

I feel like I might read The Wisdom of Pennies or Leaning on the Edge of E, but March in Munich sounds like one of those horrible 'I found myself by losing myself in another country' memoirs that are usually set in Tuscany.

The Waitress, I'm reasonably certain, already exists. I know it was a movie. I can't imagine there isn't a book called that.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:51 PM on August 17, 2015


Dibs on The Wisdom of Lint.
posted by bibliowench at 8:21 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Wolfthorn on Hillview"
"The Floor into the Fireplace"
"Badger Cruise"
"The Strawberry Pickers"
"October in Guadalajara"
"The Wisdom of Long-Forgotten Empty Cigarette Cartons"
"Autumnwha?"
posted by 256 at 8:27 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ah, an REM fan.
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:32 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


brb, must start working on The Wisdom of the Tampon.
posted by blixapuff at 8:33 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Well, I mean, someone has to like them.
posted by 256 at 8:33 PM on August 17, 2015


Baking Soda on Harp Road

These Orphaned Blues

The Capybara Planetarium

The Dishwashers of Frederick County

December in Naples

The Wisdom of Microfiber Cloths

Autumnwho?
posted by Cash4Lead at 8:37 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Systems Analyst's Daughter. Sophomore slump indeed.
posted by mochapickle at 8:37 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Loving these. Tiny weeny slices of life, mashed.

Patchouli on Pound St
Again next Thursday Afternoon / The Retiree's Daughter
Horse Morgue
The Deli Assistant of Doncaster
September in Bangalore
The Wisdom of Paperclips
posted by Thella at 8:45 PM on August 17, 2015


Oatmeal on Murphy Rd.
When the Clothes are Strewn
Tarsier Fire Hall
Dishwashers of Lambton County
May in Singapore
The Wisdom of Lanacane
Summerwhy.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:51 PM on August 17, 2015


Mornings on How Am I Supposed To Remember That Street
Another Moment Will Break My Heart
Fennec Fox Museum
The Engineers
August in Munich
The Wisdom of a Philips Head Screw
Springwhat

posted by thefoxgod at 8:51 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Toms on Broadway
The Interrogator's Daughter
The Raven Morraine
The Lifeguards of Box Elder County
August in Berlin
Autumnal Whatever
The Wisdom of Beaded Clutches

A bonus: The Horndog Amusement Park
posted by Oyéah at 8:58 PM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


Not a totally unpromising title for the hot werewolf sex market. The disappointing part will be that there isn't any. HOHO.
That is where you are so very wrong Wolfdog "Wolf with benefits"
posted by boilermonster at 9:00 PM on August 17, 2015


Cool Breeze on Princess Crescent
The Realtor's Son / No Favourite
The Raccoon Police
The Auto Detailers of Lower Fraser
September in Chicago
The Wisdom of Chocolate Espresso Beans
Autumn, It's Your House Now
posted by Tad Naff at 9:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


I dunno, I've decided that for my debut novel, I'm going to reboot a well-known franchise, say "Tom Swift", and christen the first book "The Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius".

It'll be gritty, qcubed said grittily.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Capybara Planetarium

I WANT TO GO TO THERE!
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:06 PM on August 17, 2015 [7 favorites]


I'd totally read When You Hit the Ground and am not ashamed to admit it.
posted by brecc at 9:25 PM on August 17, 2015


This combined with the news that Jonathan Franzen is releasing a novel that ruminates on feminism and the internet, makes me laugh while simultaneously filling me with rage and despair. Like most of my encounters with modern literary fiction.
posted by emjaybee at 9:27 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nice post!
posted by Oyéah at 9:30 PM on August 17, 2015


Jonathan Franzen is releasing a novel that ruminates on feminism and the internet

Can I just reread I Am Charlotte Simmons while chewing a piece of tinfoil instead
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:43 PM on August 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


I hope you're all looking forward to my sophomore effort, entitled

{The Dark Side of the Moon, The Great Gig in the Sky}

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
posted by Palindromedary at 9:43 PM on August 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Jonathan Franzen is releasing a novel that ruminates on feminism and the internet.

Jesus wept.
posted by bibliowench at 10:02 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


BRB, renaming "Decrypting Rita" to "The Audio Engineer's Daughter". I mean I guess I could go with the male instructions what with being a transwoman and all but fuck it, just picking a favorite album sounds like work never mind ranking the songs.

And when I finish that I will be picking up "Raspberries on Press Drive", my unfinished pornographic collaboration, and finally beginning "The Law School Library Attendant", which I've been brooding over since 1995.
posted by egypturnash at 10:10 PM on August 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Floral Estrella

The Rat Killer’s Daughter/ They all know that it won't be long

Warthog Symphony

The B-52 flightline attendent

Guadalajara in November

The Wisdom of Shoe Goo.

Fallwhy?
posted by boilermonster at 10:19 PM on August 17, 2015


I think I relied too much on self effacing humor in my books, though Warthog Symphony had a sort of Kurt Vonnegut appeal to it. It was a retrospective about my time in Tanzania.
posted by boilermonster at 10:32 PM on August 17, 2015


All you guys are going to get from me is a collection of short stories: All the Cats Sea Week.
posted by D.C. at 10:33 PM on August 17, 2015


Completely Clean on Dawn Street

The Wisdom of Books

Cat Zoo

The Woman Who Like All Women Was Defined By Her Male Relation Until She Was Defined By Her Husband

These are terrible.
posted by bleep at 11:22 PM on August 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


Ceiling Cat's Daughter? That doesn't even make any sense.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:24 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Tad Naff, plz write "The Raccoon Police" so I can read it? kthx.
posted by taz at 12:31 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]



Rhassoul on Queen's Street
The Electrician's Daughter
The Lizard Museum
The Silver Services
April in Valencia
The wisdom of an empty case
Winterwhy.

posted by AFII at 1:35 AM on August 18, 2015


Mornings on Moriah St.
You Move Much Better Than You Know
Wombat Beach
The Night Managers
November in Heraklion
The Wisdom of Envelopes
Springwhence
posted by misteraitch at 2:57 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Strawberries on Ravenswood

Picturing a coming of age romance from another era, the cover incongruously done in 1960s shades of brown and goldenrod and a splash of mulberry, the young heroine silhouetted in a doorway with her hair done up like Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago, long sleeves with chiffon puffs at the shoulders and a trailing sash...
posted by mochapickle at 3:25 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Alrighty then:

Lavendar on Oakwood
Venture In The Slipstream
(i am using the mens' version because that name is cooler dammit)
Puppy Play
The Library Cleaners of King County
February in Cork
The Wisdom of Headphones
Summer'....kay?


...."Lavendar on Oakwood" sounds like a Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab perfume, actually.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:53 AM on August 18, 2015


The Wisdom of Bacon-Style Bits, or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love TVP.
posted by tilde at 5:33 AM on August 18, 2015


Silver Birch on Sierra Glen
Tear It Down
The Meerkat Concert
The Shipper
April in Vancouver
The Wisdom of Shot Glasses
Springwhy

posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:37 AM on August 18, 2015


The Wisdom of a Cigarette Lighter That Doesn't Work but You're Afraid to Throw Away because the Leftover Gas Might Make the House Explode.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:43 AM on August 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subtitle: And Somehow Is the Only Fucking Lighter You Can Ever Find even though You Have Three Working Ones in Your Bag
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:17 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Berries on Beechwood Boulevard
The Dentist's Daughter
The Otter Symphony
The File Clerks of Allegheny County
April in Valencia
The Wisdom of Gardeners hand cream from Crabtree and Evelyn (I guess that last part could come off)
Fallwhat

Heh heh heh.
posted by leesh at 6:30 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


You know, The Summerfuckers really does have a nice ring!
posted by kate blank at 6:32 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


English Leather on Cynthia
The Moderator's Son
Panther Cruise
The Roofers
December in Aberdeen
The Wisdom of a plastic lei
Summerwhy
posted by Stig at 6:33 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


  • Natural Musk on a Nameless Road
  • live a thousand lives by wire
  • Shark Waterfall
  • The Deli Clerks
  • April in Chicago
  • The wisdom of the USB cable
  • Winterew
posted by ChrisR at 6:34 AM on August 18, 2015


Cool Rush on Fullbrook Avenue
Obviously about a thrillseeking "Bad Boy"

The Rocket Engineer's Daughter or See their Picture in a Magazine
Talking about the fall of the exploratory spirit through a daughter's eyes? Gold.

Fishing Cat Theatre
Absurdist, obviously.

The Babysitters of Santa Clara County
Oh God. I'm so sorry.

Autumn in Amsterdam
And being an adult male literary novel, the female characters can all be prostitutes.

The Wisdom of Condoms
Obviously earthy wit.

Octoberwhat
Like Ray Bradbury, but without the fantasy or imagination.
posted by happyroach at 7:17 AM on August 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


November in Heraklion

I am skeptical that Heraklion is more populous than Athens.
posted by kenko at 7:52 AM on August 18, 2015


Literature is dead.
posted by tspae at 8:04 AM on August 18, 2015


From the lists above, I'd absolutely read Wombat Beach and Capybara Planetarium. Actually, throw in Shark Waterfall and you've got yourself a fine looking trilogy.
posted by Tevin at 8:09 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Powder Fresh on Robinwood
The Electrician's Daughter / We Never Mean to Bother
Turtle Museum
The Copy Shop Employees of Washtenaw County
December in Calgary
The Wisdom of Phone Chargers
Summereew

Considering that I have been tossing around story ideas about lives of quiet desperation lived in the cold, grim reaches of the upper midwest, these all fit just a little too well.

Also -- The article about "The _________'s Daughter" is fantastic.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:09 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


November in Heraklion

I am skeptical that Heraklion is more populous than Athens.


I understood the rule to be third most populous city in the first foreign country you ever visited, which, admittedly, isn’t Heraklion either (fourth most populous), but Patras. ‘November in Heraklion’ sounded a lot better, though.
posted by misteraitch at 8:17 AM on August 18, 2015


Powder Fresh On Main Street
Moving Warm Liquid
Sloth Symphony
The Janitors of Suffolk County
June In Calgary
The Wisdom Of 1/8" to Midi Cables
Summerwhy


Aaaand I am surprised someone else used powder fresh.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:37 AM on August 18, 2015


My contemplative final work Winterwhere is a series of musings on life and also a trenchant examination of the outdoor gear industrial complex.
posted by Tevin at 8:50 AM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Rosemary Mint on Logan Avenue
The Retired Person's Daughter / Follows on a Crutch
Giraffe Science Museum
The Newspaper Deliverers
October in Toronto
The Wisdom of Pillboxes
Springwhat[thef]


I have to say that I would probably not read any of these books.
posted by koucha at 9:15 AM on August 18, 2015


Also -- The article about "The _________'s Daughter" is fantastic.

That's really interesting, especially since the explosion has really come since 2000 and the "book" that I most associate with that convention is the star-making "Arsonist's Daughter" referenced in Michael Chabon's Wonder Boys, published 1995.
posted by psoas at 9:18 AM on August 18, 2015


pure sport on pleasant street
the city planner's daughter
horse museum
the soccer referees of alameda county
march in christchurch
the wisdom of keycards
autumnwhat

i would definitely read horse museum but only if it were actually about horses. or museums. or both
posted by burgerrr at 9:19 AM on August 18, 2015


Blackberries on Halsted
The Policeman's Daughter / Unsettle the Ground Beneath You
Elephant Museum
The Census-Takers
September in Guadalajara
The Wisdom of Quarters
Summerwho

What a pile of crap. The only one I might look at is The Census-Takers only to be disappointed when it is not a history of census-taking.
posted by bgal81 at 11:33 AM on August 18, 2015


third most populous city

Oh whoops, misremembered. Sorry!
posted by kenko at 11:40 AM on August 18, 2015


> The only one I might look at is The Census-Takers only to be disappointed when it is not a history of census-taking.

What about a group of troubled youths who steal census records as a way to stick it to the man (who is a metaphor for their father/s[or the disciplinarian segment of their same-sex parental unit])?
posted by Tevin at 11:42 AM on August 18, 2015


My career pooped out after my disappointing sophomore effort, The Gastroenterologist's Daughter.
posted by ferret branca at 12:20 PM on August 18, 2015


Pure on Alresford Road
The Librarian's Daughter; or Trapped Under Glass
Triceratops Zoo
The Waitresses of Hampshire County
November in Lyon
The Wisdom of a Penny
Summerwhere

I might read Triceratops Zoo to my nieces as it's clearly a cool children's book. The rest sound utterly dreary especially The Wisdom of a Penny, which is insufferable nonsense about thankfulness and how money isn't everything, etc.
posted by NoiselessPenguin at 12:56 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I might read Triceratops Zoo to my nieces as it's clearly a cool children's book.

It is!
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:05 PM on August 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unscented on Marigold

The Telephone Company Mid-Level Manager's (?) Daughter (or more poetically: The Widow's Daughter*) [if male protag: I'd Still Rather]

Hedgehog Museum

The Library Pages (of Thurston County?!)

September in Munich

The Wisdom of a Kit of Knitting Notions

SummerWTAF

* I'm totally gonna use that if I ever write about my relationship with my mom.
posted by epersonae at 5:22 PM on August 18, 2015


Huh. Well my fourth novel, The Porn Store Cashiers of Winnebago County, will be fun.
posted by switcheroo at 8:13 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is too fun to care about being late to the party.

Purely Coconut on Camelback
The Fleet Mechanic's Daughter, or dazed and in a dream
Hypoallergenic Fat Cat Schooner
The Telephone Survey Takers of Contra Costa County*
January in Tacoma is as close as I've come
The Wisdom of Random Rocks
Winterhow

*This is my opus on existential despair and First-World problems.
posted by monopas at 12:26 PM on August 19, 2015


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