Forever and Ever: Losing My Husband at 24
August 27, 2015 3:50 PM Subscribe
Did Andy have two weeks left or was his rapid decline of this morning merely a temporary problem that was easily fixed? Unsure, Andy turned to me and said, “Two weeks? I’m not ready for this ‘A Walk To Remember’ shit.” He had been fighting to live, but now it seemed he was merely fighting for a year.Sarah McBride writes beautifully about losing her husband. She was 24. He was 28.
O goddamn that hurt to read.
Thank you for posting it.
posted by Mooski at 4:07 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Thank you for posting it.
posted by Mooski at 4:07 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
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posted by sarcasticah at 4:24 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by sarcasticah at 4:24 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by SillyShepherd at 4:25 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by SillyShepherd at 4:25 PM on August 27, 2015
Kinda reminds me of this recent fpp.
posted by emptythought at 4:32 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by emptythought at 4:32 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
(that said thought wow what a punch to the gut)
posted by emptythought at 4:35 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by emptythought at 4:35 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:49 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:49 PM on August 27, 2015
I'm grieving the loss of my cat right now. The past 6 months were a steady decline, we thought it was over in July (a day before my friend's bday, and a week before mine & my cat's mom's) With some medication we got a month reprieve, she wasn't perfect but content enough that we knew it wasn't time. Then last week we had to get her fluids, and after Saturday's appointment she rapidly declined. Eventually seeming to be blind (bumping into wall, walking off the bed, etc...) Then Monday, I asked my roommate/kitty co-parent how she was doing and said that she thought it might be it. We had one last appointment for fluids, and we asked for a consult because it seemed it might be it.
I got home (I'm the one who drives), and she was so out of it, and we got her in the car and on the way to the vet she just laid there (usually she'd look around or cower under the blanket we'd bring her in, but this time, she just laid flat with no energy, nothing). We were pretty certain it was it, and it was. So we sat with her and cried as she was injected with the drugs.
My friend shared this article with me today - I haven't read it yet, but it seems like the universe is determined to throw some important reading my way at the time I clearly need it.
Yesterday was also the 8 year anniversary of my sister's death, so that wasn't helping matters, either.
posted by symbioid at 4:55 PM on August 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
I got home (I'm the one who drives), and she was so out of it, and we got her in the car and on the way to the vet she just laid there (usually she'd look around or cower under the blanket we'd bring her in, but this time, she just laid flat with no energy, nothing). We were pretty certain it was it, and it was. So we sat with her and cried as she was injected with the drugs.
My friend shared this article with me today - I haven't read it yet, but it seems like the universe is determined to throw some important reading my way at the time I clearly need it.
Yesterday was also the 8 year anniversary of my sister's death, so that wasn't helping matters, either.
posted by symbioid at 4:55 PM on August 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
I was not expecting this article to be about a trans couple. That was a very difficult read. Yes I cried. Hard.
It is harrowing and difficult for trans people to find good, solid, partners who *get it*. Who are friends and lovers and everything and so much more to each other. When that type of love is found, nurtured and developed, the relationship is shared in a way that is so deeply committed and profound, because it's not like there's a bar on every corner where people are looking to seriously date a trans person. You can't just walk away. You have to make it work. You make that commitment and it means you aren't gonna "jump another train" when you get bored or the challenges mount. You stick with it and work through it and do it for the love, because love for trans people *is* rare. It's not something we want to just talk about either, especially when enjoying ice cream and the conversation goes silent and we try to figure out where the conversation goes next. The feeling is known but the conversation doesn't need to go there. Well, this couple had to go there and have that love that is so rare taken by death so soon...
and it cuts to the saddest places inside me.
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:01 PM on August 27, 2015 [31 favorites]
It is harrowing and difficult for trans people to find good, solid, partners who *get it*. Who are friends and lovers and everything and so much more to each other. When that type of love is found, nurtured and developed, the relationship is shared in a way that is so deeply committed and profound, because it's not like there's a bar on every corner where people are looking to seriously date a trans person. You can't just walk away. You have to make it work. You make that commitment and it means you aren't gonna "jump another train" when you get bored or the challenges mount. You stick with it and work through it and do it for the love, because love for trans people *is* rare. It's not something we want to just talk about either, especially when enjoying ice cream and the conversation goes silent and we try to figure out where the conversation goes next. The feeling is known but the conversation doesn't need to go there. Well, this couple had to go there and have that love that is so rare taken by death so soon...
and it cuts to the saddest places inside me.
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:01 PM on August 27, 2015 [31 favorites]
Damn. What a beautiful couple in every sense of the world.
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posted by kimberussell at 5:10 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by kimberussell at 5:10 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:13 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:13 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by harrietthespy at 5:51 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by harrietthespy at 5:51 PM on August 27, 2015
Wow, that was a tough read. I was definitely getting misty-eyed towards the end, which almost never happens. What a moving, beautiful, devastating story. Thank you for posting this.
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posted by litera scripta manet at 6:08 PM on August 27, 2015
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posted by litera scripta manet at 6:08 PM on August 27, 2015
That was so powerfully written. And broke my heart.
posted by biggreenplant at 7:00 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by biggreenplant at 7:00 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
This summer we lost my mother in law and my husband's cousin (about the same age as Andy) to cancer. Fuck cancer indeed.
What a beautifully written piece.
posted by kellygrape at 8:05 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
What a beautifully written piece.
posted by kellygrape at 8:05 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thank you for this post.
What stuck out to me, was her perspective on the "intubation talk."
"He said that intubation, or the process of putting Andy on a respirator, was possibly imminent. He asked if he had any wishes on that front. He didn’t have to say what that meant as the fly-killing doctor from two weeks ago had already painted the grim picture: if intubated, Andy would never be able to be weaned off, nor would he likely ever wake up."
I've had this talk with so many patients, and each time, in my mind I am screaming "No, please say no. If this were a just world, I wouldn't even ask you. I wouldn't even burden you with this choice, but for god's sake, please keep us as far away from your loved one as possible. These last moments, as terrible as they are, will be with you forever. Please chose a dignified death. Please chose a quiet, peaceful death, surrounded by your family and loved ones. Don't let us take that away from you just because we can"
posted by cacofonie at 8:05 PM on August 27, 2015 [32 favorites]
What stuck out to me, was her perspective on the "intubation talk."
"He said that intubation, or the process of putting Andy on a respirator, was possibly imminent. He asked if he had any wishes on that front. He didn’t have to say what that meant as the fly-killing doctor from two weeks ago had already painted the grim picture: if intubated, Andy would never be able to be weaned off, nor would he likely ever wake up."
I've had this talk with so many patients, and each time, in my mind I am screaming "No, please say no. If this were a just world, I wouldn't even ask you. I wouldn't even burden you with this choice, but for god's sake, please keep us as far away from your loved one as possible. These last moments, as terrible as they are, will be with you forever. Please chose a dignified death. Please chose a quiet, peaceful death, surrounded by your family and loved ones. Don't let us take that away from you just because we can"
posted by cacofonie at 8:05 PM on August 27, 2015 [32 favorites]
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So sad. He died 2 days after my dear, beloved, so very much missed partner of 20 years, also of lung cancer. 3 months to the day from diagnosis to her death.
Cancer does indeed suck, but I'm so grateful that changes have happened over the years that as a same sex couple we were treated with the greatest of respect by all the health care workers we dealt with. No one ever tried to exclude me or keep us apart even though we hadn't gotten married.
I don't know what my point is, I guess I'm just sad for them, and grateful we had a little time to say goodbye
posted by antiquated at 8:15 PM on August 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
So sad. He died 2 days after my dear, beloved, so very much missed partner of 20 years, also of lung cancer. 3 months to the day from diagnosis to her death.
Cancer does indeed suck, but I'm so grateful that changes have happened over the years that as a same sex couple we were treated with the greatest of respect by all the health care workers we dealt with. No one ever tried to exclude me or keep us apart even though we hadn't gotten married.
I don't know what my point is, I guess I'm just sad for them, and grateful we had a little time to say goodbye
posted by antiquated at 8:15 PM on August 27, 2015 [12 favorites]
That is both very inspiring and very sad. I'm so happy and sad for them, and grateful you shared this.
posted by salvia at 10:49 PM on August 27, 2015
posted by salvia at 10:49 PM on August 27, 2015
I was not expecting this article to be about a trans couple.
Yeah, I like that the post here didn't mention this, because in this context it doesn't matter. Having to say farewell to a loved one is a nigh-on universal experience after all, one we all have gone through or will have to cope with, unless we're the lucky ones dying first.
This hit me hard, reading it in the same week as I "celebrated" my five years wedding anniversary almost four years after my wife died. We had our wedding in the hospital, wanted to do it as much for practical, legal reasons as as an affirmation of love because we'd been together for a decade anyway and the latter was a given. Like them, we had the wedding arranged on very short notice, as she had a major operation coming up and was frightened of what would happen if she didn't wake up, at least wanted all the legal stuff tied down, a last gift to her family and me.
So much of the details of their wedding sound familiar: the struggle to get it organised on short notice, made far easier by the love and help of kind strangers, worrying about whether she would be well enough to actually marry, that contrast between wedding gear and medical paraphernalia during the wedding itself.
And though as rational human beings it shouldn't matter to have been married rather than "just" have been life partners, but it matters. So glad for them that they got to have that at least.
And yeah, intubation is horrible. If I have to die, let it be a sudden and painless heart attack and leave my body on the floor to be nibbled on by my cats rather than that.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:28 PM on August 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
Yeah, I like that the post here didn't mention this, because in this context it doesn't matter. Having to say farewell to a loved one is a nigh-on universal experience after all, one we all have gone through or will have to cope with, unless we're the lucky ones dying first.
This hit me hard, reading it in the same week as I "celebrated" my five years wedding anniversary almost four years after my wife died. We had our wedding in the hospital, wanted to do it as much for practical, legal reasons as as an affirmation of love because we'd been together for a decade anyway and the latter was a given. Like them, we had the wedding arranged on very short notice, as she had a major operation coming up and was frightened of what would happen if she didn't wake up, at least wanted all the legal stuff tied down, a last gift to her family and me.
So much of the details of their wedding sound familiar: the struggle to get it organised on short notice, made far easier by the love and help of kind strangers, worrying about whether she would be well enough to actually marry, that contrast between wedding gear and medical paraphernalia during the wedding itself.
And though as rational human beings it shouldn't matter to have been married rather than "just" have been life partners, but it matters. So glad for them that they got to have that at least.
And yeah, intubation is horrible. If I have to die, let it be a sudden and painless heart attack and leave my body on the floor to be nibbled on by my cats rather than that.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:28 PM on August 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
. for this beautiful couple
also . for everyone in this thread who lost loved ones too soon
posted by greenish at 4:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
also . for everyone in this thread who lost loved ones too soon
posted by greenish at 4:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Openly sobbing.
Beautifully written piece. The author shares excruciating details in a way that really make this personal.
I lost a close friend to cancer when he was 30 and I 27. It was a harsh lesson in life's brevity and it drastically changed the course of my own. Wisdom can have a terrible price.
Love on the level this couple shared is exquisitely rare and life isn't fair and now I just want to go throw a big bag of flaming excrement at cancer. God damn.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:49 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Beautifully written piece. The author shares excruciating details in a way that really make this personal.
I lost a close friend to cancer when he was 30 and I 27. It was a harsh lesson in life's brevity and it drastically changed the course of my own. Wisdom can have a terrible price.
Love on the level this couple shared is exquisitely rare and life isn't fair and now I just want to go throw a big bag of flaming excrement at cancer. God damn.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:49 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
This was beautifully, delicately written, too. They sound like one of those couples who just fit together, so rare to find.
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antiquated, I am so sorry for your loss. Three months, wow.
posted by LooseFilter at 8:52 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
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antiquated, I am so sorry for your loss. Three months, wow.
posted by LooseFilter at 8:52 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am so sorry you had to go through that, martin wisse. It sounds so brutal and tough and to have to live with that. You have my hugs, as many as you want.
That said:
"Yeah, I like that the post here didn't mention this, because in this context it doesn't matter. "
It does matter to me as someone who is trans and was while dating: physically threatened, verbally abused, treated like my feelings were meaningless, treated like a fetish, stalked by creepy men and had most dates look at me like I was absolutely stupid for expecting them to date me when I said "I am looking for a serious relationship".
I was either threatened, blown off, or made to feel ridiculous save for one person who saw me as an actual human worth trying to love, and that person is now my mate. To find her I literally put my life on the line and suffered terrible, shitty circumstances and situations "in the dating scene" to get there. I provided a window into why love for trans people is rare, and provided insight into why the word "rare" is discussed in the article, and why yes, that matters, because a lot of people (in my experience all, save for one) don't believe they could ever find a trans person worthy of being in a relationship with.
I guess what I am trying to say is while everyone can relate to her story, she is also showing how trans people are worthy of experiencing the same universal love anyone else does. I am adding my experience around the word "rare" that she brings up a couple of times in her article and trying to add color around what exactly that means in this context to me, and perhaps other trans people. It may not matter to you, but it matters a hell of a lot to me.
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:55 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
That said:
"Yeah, I like that the post here didn't mention this, because in this context it doesn't matter. "
It does matter to me as someone who is trans and was while dating: physically threatened, verbally abused, treated like my feelings were meaningless, treated like a fetish, stalked by creepy men and had most dates look at me like I was absolutely stupid for expecting them to date me when I said "I am looking for a serious relationship".
I was either threatened, blown off, or made to feel ridiculous save for one person who saw me as an actual human worth trying to love, and that person is now my mate. To find her I literally put my life on the line and suffered terrible, shitty circumstances and situations "in the dating scene" to get there. I provided a window into why love for trans people is rare, and provided insight into why the word "rare" is discussed in the article, and why yes, that matters, because a lot of people (in my experience all, save for one) don't believe they could ever find a trans person worthy of being in a relationship with.
I guess what I am trying to say is while everyone can relate to her story, she is also showing how trans people are worthy of experiencing the same universal love anyone else does. I am adding my experience around the word "rare" that she brings up a couple of times in her article and trying to add color around what exactly that means in this context to me, and perhaps other trans people. It may not matter to you, but it matters a hell of a lot to me.
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:55 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
Thank you LooseFilter.
posted by antiquated at 11:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by antiquated at 11:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:58 PM on August 27, 2015 [2 favorites]