March 5, 2002

11:02 AM

"Cadillac's brand manager says, "Cadillac research showed that there was a real need for the EXT."A real need for a Cadillac pickup? Really? If so, then here are a few things that I really need: An air-conditioned front yard. Iguana-skin patio furniture. Stigmata. Mint-flavored Drano. Gold-plated roof gutters. A 190-hp MerCruiser SaladShooter. A dog with a collapsible tail. An office desk that converts into a Hovercraft. Chrome slacks. A lifetime subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. A third arm. A fourth wife. A smokeless Cuban Robusto. Reusable Kleenex." Is this Car and Driver review SUV-bashing? Sure. Is it funny? Definitely.
posted by darukaru (43 comments total)

My favorite comment: Each running board exceeds a Porsche 911's wheelbase.

As if we needed another behemoth on the roads....
posted by dwivian at 11:09 AM on March 5, 2002

That was great. I liked the last sentence:

"There are lots of things on which you could spend $49,990. This is one of them."
posted by Optamystic at 11:18 AM on March 5, 2002

Cadillac will have the last laugh, the Escalade, here in LA, has easilly surpassed any of the other SUVs in terms of style, obesity, and pimp-daddy bling-bling head-turning attention getting.

I don't expect the Caddy pick-up to do nothing more than build on the momentum.

Plus, it's hard to lower a two ton Escalade.
posted by tsarfan at 11:20 AM on March 5, 2002

heh lots of amusing stuff on mefi today. keep it up :)
posted by Qambient at 11:22 AM on March 5, 2002

Oy. I used to work on Cadillac advertising (at the regional, dealer marketing association level), and while it's been 3 years since I had that job, I'm glad to see that things at Cadillac haven't changed. </sarcasm> Their problem is that they're courting the younger demographic, which isn't the group that tends to buy their cars--most of the people who buy their cars are tend to be wealthy and old. They've been trying for 20 years now. The Cimarron, the Allante, the Catera, the original Escalade and now this, this, this thing.

They should put the Evoq into production. Now that is a cool car, and it definitely plays into Cadillac's historic strengths--great (and distinctive) design and oodles of power. This Escalade truck thingy-doo looks like a souped up Chevy or GMC, for a hell of a lot more money. Why do they expect people to spend their money on that, when they could do something really fabulous and distinctive that would be instantly recognizable as Cadillac?
posted by eilatan at 11:22 AM on March 5, 2002

This article is a great example of why I read a lot of car magazines, but only subscribe to Car and Driver.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:28 AM on March 5, 2002

I second what crash_davis said. Car & Driver has a long history of SUV and truck bashing, and late last year effectively endorsed a major government investment in Amtrak. By no means is it a typical auto publication.
posted by mrbula at 11:50 AM on March 5, 2002

Porsche must have penis envy.
posted by ColdChef at 11:51 AM on March 5, 2002

here are a few things that I really need: An air-conditioned front yard. Iguana-skin patio furniture. Stigmata. Mint-flavored Drano. Gold-plated roof gutters. A 190-hp MerCruiser SaladShooter. A dog with a collapsible tail. An office desk that converts into a Hovercraft. Chrome slacks. A lifetime subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. A third arm. A fourth wife. A smokeless Cuban Robusto. Reusable Kleenex.

Darukaru, that must be the funniest list I've ever read on MeFi. Please tell me it took you three hours to compile.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:53 AM on March 5, 2002

I so need Chrome Slacks!
posted by revbrian at 11:55 AM on March 5, 2002

Actually, since that's a quote from the article, I'd say it took him about three seconds to copy-and-paste .... But yeah, it's damn funny. :)
posted by webmutant at 11:57 AM on March 5, 2002

it's good to know that "Cadillac research" basically boils down to hiring Ludacris as a product development consutant.. ;)
posted by jo5_h at 12:00 PM on March 5, 2002

Right on Eilatan. But even when you try to fail, once in a while you screw up and fail to fail...

Lets just call it marketing ala idiote savante, which by coincedence would also make a great name for one of their future models
posted by BentPenguin at 12:01 PM on March 5, 2002

BTW, is anyone else thinking of the "Canyonero?"
posted by ColdChef at 12:02 PM on March 5, 2002

Mileage: one city, zero highway.
posted by D at 12:04 PM on March 5, 2002

Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak and seats thirty-five..
Canyonero! Canyonero!
voiceover: "The Federal Highway Comission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving."
Canyonero!
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero! (HeeYah!)
She blinds everybody with her super high beams,
She's a squirrel-crushing, deer-smacking, driving machine!
Canyonero!-oh-whoa!, Canyonero! (HeeYah!)
Drive Canyonero! Whoa Canyonero! <Whooooooa!>
Yeah, I got my quote marks mixed up in the main post. I only wish I was that good at making up funny lists.
posted by darukaru at 12:08 PM on March 5, 2002

> something really fabulous and distinctive that would be
> instantly recognizable as Cadillac?

Naaa, it doesn't really say "Cadillac" unless it has great big fins.
posted by jfuller at 12:08 PM on March 5, 2002

Y'know, a third arm isn't a bad idea.
posted by jpoulos at 12:13 PM on March 5, 2002

"There's even an in-dash computer program called "Vehicle History Last 15 Days." Ours recalled the Battle of Hastings, the movie Nurse Nancy, and quite a bit of time spent idling in a Krispy Kreme parking lot."

Mmmm...Krispy Kreme.
posted by adamv at 12:29 PM on March 5, 2002

Do not get the mint-flavored Drano anywhere near the stigmata.

Stings like hell.
posted by ebarker at 12:29 PM on March 5, 2002

I want the iguana-skin patio furniture.
posted by adampsyche at 12:29 PM on March 5, 2002

Damn, that is one fun review. "Surplus horsepower, of course, is a useful commodity, especially when it comes to motivating a vehicle that weighs the same as a Nissan Sentra and a Subaru Impreza and a medium-size Carrier air conditioner."

It's time for a vehicle weight tax, like they have in bits of Europe. The heavier your vehicle, the more it costs to license. Current truck trends are just too fucking stupid to not punish.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:45 PM on March 5, 2002

BTW, is anyone else thinking of the "Canyonero?"


Actually, I was thinking of the Powell Homer

All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

posted by Avogadro at 12:47 PM on March 5, 2002

Actually, since that's a quote from the article, I'd say it took him about three seconds to copy-and-paste .... But yeah, it's damn funny. :)

Well thanks, webmutant, for so cruelly destroying my darukaru myth! There's still no way I'm going to read links to car magazines, though. Anyway, cut_and_paste_guy's comments have always been damn witty in the past! ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:52 PM on March 5, 2002

It's time for a vehicle weight tax, like they have in bits of Europe.

It's also time for special licensing for these things. Most state governments would register this monstrosity as a "car." 16 year olds and little old ladies could drive this vehicle anywhere, anytime, perfectly legally. That's totally nuts.
posted by PrinceValium at 12:56 PM on March 5, 2002

Right, PrinceValium, that'd be the "He-Man Woman-Haters, Only Men Get To Drive Ugly-Ass Tanks" license, I guess.
posted by stefanie at 1:05 PM on March 5, 2002

Unbelievably, most states and provinces also register behemoth motorhomes as cars. Freakin' things are as long as a tractor-trailer rig, weigh up to 15 tons(!!), and some even have air brakes.

And then senile old farts with glacial reaction times are allowed to pilot these things through rush-hour traffic. Gahd.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:09 PM on March 5, 2002

Little old men shouldn't drive it either -- I was just using the colloquialism. Everything related to driving a large SUV - the steering, braking, parking, highway cruising - is more similar to a school bus than it is a Civic.
posted by PrinceValium at 1:13 PM on March 5, 2002

My favorite sentence (besides the "stuff I need") one:

"It's a serene freeway cruiser, in the manner of modern Greyhounds that are simple to nurse downstream as long as you're not impinging on vast portions of the adjacent lane."
posted by alumshubby at 1:19 PM on March 5, 2002

Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.

Sounds like he's talking about a date.
posted by adampsyche at 1:19 PM on March 5, 2002

Geez, I thought my Chevy Tahoe was too-too.

FWIW, I bought it when I was assistant chief in my volunteer fire department and needed the room. Now I don't and the vast emptiness is annoying, not to mention the (not) great gas mileage. I'd glady trade it even for An office desk that converts into a Hovercraft.
posted by tommasz at 1:26 PM on March 5, 2002

Screw you naysayers and "tax it to death"-ers. If I had $49K to spend, I'd probably get one. Just because I could. And just out of curiousity -- did it ever occur to any of the critics that someone might purchase one (or any monster-sized SUV) for use outside of a major metropolitan area?

Don't mean to sound so cranky - I missed my nap today.
posted by davidmsc at 4:23 PM on March 5, 2002

I'd rather have this
posted by plaino at 4:51 PM on March 5, 2002

And then senile old farts with glacial reaction times are allowed to pilot these (behemoth motorhomes) through rush-hour traffic.

My dad (82) finally put his 32 foot Pace Arrow out to pasture...parked it out by a lake and uses it as a mini vacation home slash fishing shack. It was fun while it lasted....

...like the time him & Mom and my sister and her ex were cruising through GA, and he pulled out in front of some redneck in a pickup. The redneck stopped his truck in the middle of the road, forcing my old man to stop. He jumped out of his pickup and started swearing a blue streak at my old man.

Dad calmly pulled his 32 out from under his seat and aimed it at the guy through the windshield. Needless to say, he cut short his speech and was gone in a heartbeat.
posted by groundhog at 5:59 PM on March 5, 2002

I thought this was the Cadillac pickup.
posted by jonmc at 6:13 PM on March 5, 2002

It's time for a vehicle weight tax, like they have in bits of Europe

There is an interesting column by Csaba Csere in the same issue of C&D about average vehical weight and that, despite common understanding, cars have been getting heavier NOT lighter for quite a while.
posted by internal at 6:50 PM on March 5, 2002

I heart C&D. I'm not even really a car nut, but those guys make me feel like one. Consistently lively writing.
posted by kindall at 7:52 PM on March 5, 2002

I heart C&D. I'm not even really a car nut, but those guys make me feel like one. Consistently lively writing.
posted by kindall at 7:53 PM on March 5, 2002

My favorite line "the EXT is similar to purchasing an invigorating sexual experience with the entire Ford modeling agency."
hmm, feel compelled to refer to this
posted by RunsWithBandageScissors at 12:31 AM on March 6, 2002

groundhog: I don't get it.

"he pulled out in front of some redneck in a pickup. The redneck stopped his truck in the middle of the road, forcing my old man to stop."

Why was he forced to stop if the redneck who stopped was behind him?
posted by ODiV at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2002

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I forgot the part about the redneck overtaking and passing the motorhome. That's when he put on his brakes.

True story. I wasn't there, but have heard the accounts of two of the three eyewitnesses.

Think twice before you flip off an old codger in a motorhome.
posted by groundhog at 9:51 AM on March 6, 2002

an suv thread that doesn't mention palegirl? what has mefi come to?
posted by mlang at 11:30 AM on March 6, 2002

Careful, mlang...if you call the Palegirl out, you'll suffer her wrath as I did.
posted by davidmsc at 2:02 PM on March 6, 2002