Yard signs too pedestrian for you?

September 10, 2015 6:31 PM

His superPAC is selling a poster of a ripped, tattooed Ted Cruz; the candidate says that the only thing was wrong with the picture is that he doesn't smoke. If Trump smells like victory to you, you may be interested in "Empire" (not an actual campaign site offering). Maybe you'd prefer Rand Paul's head on a stick. Dems may opt for a Hillary pantsuit tee shirt. Or, if you like Bernie Sanders and puns, you can go for this mug.
posted by Morrigan (35 comments total)

Freedom. Paddles.

That's it. Everyone who's trying to do political satire in America today, you can pack it in. Reality is lapping you.
posted by Etrigan at 6:36 PM on September 10, 2015 [6 favorites]

I still Like Ike.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:38 PM on September 10, 2015 [3 favorites]

Blacklisted? Can someone explain how Ted Cruz has been blacklisted?
posted by NoMich at 6:40 PM on September 10, 2015

I saw some guy in the Burbank airport a couple of months ago wearing one of these shirts. 60-something biker-hippie-looking dude. Everyone I was with independently noticed this guy as we went through security, and we wound up sitting around for like 30 minutes, grown-ass adults trying hopelessly to figure out what "blacklisted" could possibly mean, and being completely bemused by every available alternative.

"How the fuck does Ted Cruz qualify as 'blacklisted'?" must have been uttered a dozen times.

I still have no idea.
posted by brennen at 6:45 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Well, I'm not inviting him to any of my parties.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:46 PM on September 10, 2015 [16 favorites]

How is it possible that there are no product reviews for the Freedom Paddles? What do they have on the back? My new favorite Rand Paul quotes??
posted by irisclara at 6:49 PM on September 10, 2015

oh my god i'm pretty tentative about all the candidates but i really really REALLY love that Hillary pantsuit tee
posted by duffell at 6:49 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Dems may opt for a Hillary pantsuit tee shirt.
Or, indeed, they may not.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:56 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

I just noticed that the Hillary campaign logo turns a normal t-shirt into "I'm With Stupid".
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:56 PM on September 10, 2015

The world of the future is a world of choices.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:57 PM on September 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

I like to keep my Freedom Paddles next to my Liberty Shackles and my Pursuit of Happiness Nipple Clips. Every day is Patriot's Day!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:01 PM on September 10, 2015 [14 favorites]

So much to choose from. I can't decide.
posted by vverse23 at 7:04 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Sanders: When the media worries about what Hillary’s hair looks like or what my hair looks like, that’s a real problem. We have millions of people who are struggling to keep their heads above water, who want to know what candidates can do to improve their lives, and the media will very often spend more time worrying about hair than the fact that we’re the only major country on earth that doesn't guarantee health care to all people.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 7:33 PM on September 10, 2015 [9 favorites]

Blacklisted? Can someone explain how Ted Cruz has been blacklisted?

NBC's 'The Blacklist' Kind of Insulted Ted Cruz and Allen West
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:38 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have a pedestrian Bernie yard sign already, thank you very much. It's next to the sidewalk.

I love the mug, though.
posted by wallabear at 7:50 PM on September 10, 2015

Christ on fucking sale, it's not even October.
posted by boo_radley at 7:55 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

Let's just say I was quite disappointed by "Rand Paul's head on a stick". No dripping blood.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:55 PM on September 10, 2015 [3 favorites]

Do we all know about the Guaca Bowle?
posted by clavicle at 8:02 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

The pantsuit tee is a goddammed "unisex" t-shirt not even a women's cut t-shirt! Women may want to get a smaller size? fuckin' patriarchy!



(seriously Hillary, I'm not saying you had to go with a super snug American Apparel shirt, but dammit, I refuse to buy a man's shirt masquerading as a "unisex" shirt EVER!)
posted by vespabelle at 8:21 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

(seriously Hillary, I'm not saying you had to go with a super snug American Apparel shirt, but dammit, I refuse to buy a man's shirt masquerading as a "unisex" shirt EVER!)

Yeah, uh, except some of us not-men do in fact prefer the normal-old-fashioned-t-shirt cut. I mean, you don't have to! But I do by miles. I just got a unisex t-shirt from a fundraising campaign that I'm very happy with, but unfortunately he's too Canadian to appear on my primary ballot.
posted by Sequence at 8:27 PM on September 10, 2015

That's some bad photoshopping.
posted by ryanrs at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Colbert's bit on last night's show about this subject was good, but at the end he pitched "my own line" of "UNDECIDED 2016" merch, but it's NOT available through the CBS.com store yet. COME ON, I want a "BITE ME, IT'S STILL 2015" bumper sticker while it's still 2015!!!

I could always make up merch for my improved version of one candidate's logo. (Come on, YOU'D buy a shirt or a hat, right?)
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:57 PM on September 10, 2015

I want one of Trump's "Make America Great Again" hats. They are seriously awesome and I don't even like the guy.
posted by gyc at 9:00 PM on September 10, 2015

Up in Canada the NDP is handing out paddles with Mulcair's beard. I kind of love them.
posted by quaking fajita at 9:14 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

well I guess I have my halloween costume for next year.

* buys pantsuit tee *
posted by numaner at 9:39 PM on September 10, 2015

Cruz dolled up as a prison tattoo special is pretty rich, given how much he'd probably double down on the carceral state if elected.
posted by blucevalo at 10:38 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

TRUMP MAKE AMERICA HATE AGAIN hat
posted by andoatnp at 11:18 PM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Let's just say I was quite disappointed by "Rand Paul's head on a stick". No dripping blood.

Is that stick a scale model of Paul's penis?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:15 AM on September 11, 2015

This seems like as good a thread as any to link to my favorite Etsy shop. Come for Reagan riding a velociraptor, stay for Nixon fighting a saber-toothed tiger!
posted by Mayor West at 4:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just googled Tanned, Rested and Ready, to check my memory that it was Hunter S Thompson's comeback slogan for Nixon in 88 - only to find that Bobby Jindal is actually using it.

I have so many levels of I Can't Even that I can't even I Can't Even.
posted by Devonian at 5:15 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

I just googled Tanned, Rested and Ready ... only to find that Bobby Jindal is actually using it.

I mean he may be but ... how can you tell?
posted by octobersurprise at 5:49 AM on September 11, 2015

OMG you guys, if you haven't read the whole "poster" link, this guy is a unicorn sandwich of crazy.

The artist, who calls himself Sabo, made the image after learning that Cruz was going to be attending an event in the city.

[...] He said a CPAC official chided him for wearing a T-shirt reading "Muhammed is a homo" after a photo of him wearing that shirt made the rounds on Twitter. And Sabo said others haven't wanted to work with him, because they've found his other art offensive.

[...After Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a fundraiser for Obama,] he said he was questioned by the Secret Service after tweeting that he hoped Lee Harvey Oswald would come back as a zombie and mentioning a rifle near Paltrow's house.

[...] "I’m not a conservative. I trip when people call me a conservative. I worked in the porn industry for four years," he said, adding, "I mean the tasteful porn industry."

[...] Sabo made a YouTube video showing him shaving off some of his pubic hair as part of a "No Bush 2016" campaign, which he wants to go viral.

posted by psoas at 9:35 AM on September 11, 2015

"I’m not a conservative. I trip when people call me a conservative."

Well obviously not. Anyone can tell he's nothing but a run-of-the-mill angry weirdo.

Funny thing about the Cruz headshot—I get a bit of a Bill Murray-in-Where The Buffalo Roam vibe about it.

(One hopes that this will spur on a veritable industry of Ted Cruz heads on outrageous bodies.)
posted by octobersurprise at 11:01 AM on September 11, 2015

Voilà.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:40 AM on September 11, 2015

Available at Wonkette
posted by caryatid at 12:15 PM on September 12, 2015