"Gary would have owed us his promised apology"
September 11, 2015 10:37 AM Subscribe
Oh god a non-D&D playing friend of mine has gotten super into those books recently so every now and then I get these text messages that just read something like "What's a wyrm?"
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:56 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:56 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is ... uh ... I mean, it's ... a thing? Weird and wtf.
I have to say, I've always been kinda surprised that the owners of D&D (whether TSR or WotC) have never managed to come up with a decent movie. Even though the various setting-specific novels are pretty poorly written, practically all of the earlier campaign settings have the core of an interesting story to them that would stand out pretty well compared to a lot of very generic swords and sorcery movies. I could imagine there being a good movie in Dark Sun, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Planescape, Mystara, etc. Hell, even Forgotten realms could work, if you could avoid Drizzt.
Obviously, don't take the books and just transplant them to film (that way lies madness), but at least use the damned setting.
But, instead, when we finally got a D&D movie, it was basically the most generic euro-fantasy possible aside from some fanservice that felt like they were more interested in referencing the rulebook than using any of the lore. I can't even for the life of me remember what setting it was supposed to be in, and it was as much a D&D story as the Will Smith movie "I, Robot" was an Isaac Asimov story.
posted by tocts at 10:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have to say, I've always been kinda surprised that the owners of D&D (whether TSR or WotC) have never managed to come up with a decent movie. Even though the various setting-specific novels are pretty poorly written, practically all of the earlier campaign settings have the core of an interesting story to them that would stand out pretty well compared to a lot of very generic swords and sorcery movies. I could imagine there being a good movie in Dark Sun, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Planescape, Mystara, etc. Hell, even Forgotten realms could work, if you could avoid Drizzt.
Obviously, don't take the books and just transplant them to film (that way lies madness), but at least use the damned setting.
But, instead, when we finally got a D&D movie, it was basically the most generic euro-fantasy possible aside from some fanservice that felt like they were more interested in referencing the rulebook than using any of the lore. I can't even for the life of me remember what setting it was supposed to be in, and it was as much a D&D story as the Will Smith movie "I, Robot" was an Isaac Asimov story.
posted by tocts at 10:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I know I'm dating myself here but does no one remember Mazes and Monsters, Tom Hanks' "breakout" role?
posted by blucevalo at 11:02 AM on September 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by blucevalo at 11:02 AM on September 11, 2015 [16 favorites]
Really is be after a Rat Queens movie for the authentic feel.
posted by Artw at 11:04 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Artw at 11:04 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
>it was basically the most generic euro-fantasy possible
I think the conventional "wisdom" says that the hardcore fans of the source material will show up no matter how the movie turns out, and the audience you have to woo is the general mass of people who don't really know or care about the source material. In other words, the reason so many movies turn out so godawful is that they're meant to appeal to people.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:15 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think the conventional "wisdom" says that the hardcore fans of the source material will show up no matter how the movie turns out, and the audience you have to woo is the general mass of people who don't really know or care about the source material. In other words, the reason so many movies turn out so godawful is that they're meant to appeal to people.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:15 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
It has to be said that neither sequel to 2000's D&D is nearly as bad as it is. Both feel much more like D&D and both contain performances ranging from serviceable to kinda impressive, whereas the theatrically-released one contains performances ranging from cringe-inducing to I-wanna-punch-something-inducing.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 11:17 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 11:17 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
So I back the Designers & Dragons kickstarter and reading the history of TSR... it was a terribly run business. I assumed, as a kid, that since D&D books were everywhere and seemed very professions to my kids-in-the-eighties sensibilities that it was some big, professional company.
No. Shit like this was part of the reason TSR ran into the ground. EGG did some amazing stuff, but in the end he was more Woz than Jobs.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
No. Shit like this was part of the reason TSR ran into the ground. EGG did some amazing stuff, but in the end he was more Woz than Jobs.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
"... a large humanoid race called the Dreddet. Once an aggressive species who caused mischief, the Dreddet were rendered harmless by the Master when he took away all of their thumbs. "They are simple folk now," Odo explains."
Redditors, then.
I kid, I kid.
posted by PandaMomentum at 11:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Redditors, then.
I kid, I kid.
posted by PandaMomentum at 11:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's about ethics in owlbear husbandry.
posted by Artw at 11:30 AM on September 11, 2015 [39 favorites]
posted by Artw at 11:30 AM on September 11, 2015 [39 favorites]
It's about ethics in owlbear husbandry.
I always wanted rules for the sort of thing wizards are trying to do when they accidentally do owlbears.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:31 AM on September 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
I always wanted rules for the sort of thing wizards are trying to do when they accidentally do owlbears.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:31 AM on September 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
"Hawk the Slayer" is the D&D movie. It feels like a play session.
posted by SPrintF at 11:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 11:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
with a cudgel enough to beat a horse to death
I believe that would require a +3 Cudgel of Striking, unless your character is a fighter with a strength over 16 in which case a standard cudgel would due so long as he/she rolls high enough on the hit dice.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I believe that would require a +3 Cudgel of Striking, unless your character is a fighter with a strength over 16 in which case a standard cudgel would due so long as he/she rolls high enough on the hit dice.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:32 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am currently reading not-quite-Hugo-nominee Cityof Stairs, which takes place in a setting where all the gods have been assassinated but left behind a number of miraculous items, and the items are all very pleasingly D&D artifact like.
posted by Artw at 11:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Artw at 11:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
The biggest reason not to make a big-screen movie about Drizzt is that there are already a bunch of films about him, except his name is "Riddick" instead
posted by trunk muffins at 11:41 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by trunk muffins at 11:41 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I know I'm dating myself here but does no one remember Mazes and Monsters , Tom Hanks' "breakout" role?
posted by blucevalo
We certainly do.
posted by blurker at 11:43 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by blucevalo
We certainly do.
posted by blurker at 11:43 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
with a cudgel enough to beat a horse to death
I'm trying to imagine a way that a singlecow horse could become a threat, or somehow dishonor you.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:48 AM on September 11, 2015
I'm trying to imagine a way that a single
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:48 AM on September 11, 2015
Doesn't anyone else remember the cartoon series?
posted by octothorpe at 11:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 11:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Disclaimer: I've never played D&D, but I have good friends who are very fond of it. I have nothing against it, just have never experienced it.
What would a D&D movie even look like? Would it be better if it were exclusively in the fantasy realm, or had some indication that people in real life were playing? One thing that I think could be cool would almost be a Neverending Story-type approach, with a fuzzy barrier between the game and real life.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 11:59 AM on September 11, 2015
What would a D&D movie even look like? Would it be better if it were exclusively in the fantasy realm, or had some indication that people in real life were playing? One thing that I think could be cool would almost be a Neverending Story-type approach, with a fuzzy barrier between the game and real life.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 11:59 AM on September 11, 2015
What would a D&D movie even look like?
If I had my druthers, it'd look like a heist movie where the MacGuffin is in a D&D dungeon. Sadly I don't.
posted by graymouser at 12:01 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
If I had my druthers, it'd look like a heist movie where the MacGuffin is in a D&D dungeon. Sadly I don't.
posted by graymouser at 12:01 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
Like The Goonies, only in Middle Earth.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:06 PM on September 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
Like The Goonies, only in Middle Earth.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:06 PM on September 11, 2015 [11 favorites]
"Hawk the Slayer" is the D&D movie. It feels like a play session.
"Hawk the Slayer" is rubbish!
posted by howfar at 12:08 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Hawk the Slayer" is rubbish!
posted by howfar at 12:08 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
From my reading, the most B-movie level scene that Peterson describes in this script is:
posted by graymouser at 12:11 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
They stop by the stables to procure horses, but while they are there, a monster painting on the side of a wagon comes to life. A servant of the Nightking, this bird-like creature with a scorpion tail and a cobra head is called a dagathorpe. Its gaze alone causes one of the stableboys to spontaneously combust, and spurs Odo to hasten the party to an underground Dwarf kingdom for subterranean passage to the Nightking's realm.It's a totally outlandish scene, and you have to picture this looking like an awful rubber-and-feathers movie monster from the '80s and not modern slick CGI. Likewise you have to picture the '80s extra "stableboy," probably with a mullet, suddenly "on fire" and running about yelling. This would've been a serious bad movie: not just a flop like the 2000 failure, but the kind that has a cult following because it was so astonishingly bad..
posted by graymouser at 12:11 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
And because nobody's mentioned it yet, if you're at all interested in where D&D came from, you should read Peterson's Playing at the World, a monumental book looking at D&D's influences from wargames and fantasy literature.
posted by graymouser at 12:13 PM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by graymouser at 12:13 PM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
Maybe like Willow, which I adored at the time (hold god that was eons ago) but haven't watched recently to see if it holds up.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:17 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe like Willow, which I adored at the time (hold god that was eons ago) but haven't watched recently to see if it holds up.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:17 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
Never watch that larp film Knights of Badassdom... never. You might think, perhaps while drunk or something, 'Hey, it's got Dinklage in it! And Summer Glau! How bad can it be!' Don't listen to that voice. Just don't. Resist it. Watch Aliens again or something. Because... jesus wept.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:19 PM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Never watch that larp film Knights of Badassdom... never. You might think, perhaps while drunk or something, 'Hey, it's got Dinklage in it! And Summer Glau! How bad can it be!' Don't listen to that voice. Just don't. Resist it. Watch Aliens again or something. Because... jesus wept.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:19 PM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
This would've been a serious bad movie: not just a flop like the 2000 failure, but the kind that has a cult following because it was so astonishingly bad.
And the shout goes up, Yoooorrrr!
One thing that I think could be cool would almost be a Neverending Story-type approach, with a fuzzy barrier between the game and real life.
That's the tack Andre Norton took in Quag Keep. If Gygax really was that eager to make a D&D movie, I wonder if he tried to get the rights to that book?
posted by octobersurprise at 12:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
And the shout goes up, Yoooorrrr!
One thing that I think could be cool would almost be a Neverending Story-type approach, with a fuzzy barrier between the game and real life.
That's the tack Andre Norton took in Quag Keep. If Gygax really was that eager to make a D&D movie, I wonder if he tried to get the rights to that book?
posted by octobersurprise at 12:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe like Willow, which I adored at the time (hold god that was eons ago) but haven't watched recently to see if it holds up.
I can assure you that it absolutely does.
posted by kafziel at 12:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can assure you that it absolutely does.
posted by kafziel at 12:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
A lot like Narnia but without the Jesus stuff.
posted by scalefree at 12:28 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
A lot like Narnia but without the Jesus stuff.
posted by scalefree at 12:28 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: A lot like Narnia but without the Jesus stuff.
Apologies. I was compelled.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:31 PM on September 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
Apologies. I was compelled.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:31 PM on September 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
D&D shouldn't be a movie. It should look like "Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser" on HBO in a competing timeslot with "Dying Earth" on AMC.
posted by fings at 12:38 PM on September 11, 2015 [20 favorites]
D&D shouldn't be a movie. It should look like "Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser" on HBO in a competing timeslot with "Dying Earth" on AMC.
posted by fings at 12:38 PM on September 11, 2015 [20 favorites]
Surely it would look like The Gamers, but with more THAC0.
posted by delegeferenda at 1:13 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by delegeferenda at 1:13 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't help but think an old-school D&D movie would have to look like a magical version of The Cell. A bunch of selfish backstabbing specialists who have to work together to escape a serious of rooms designed to kill them.
posted by happyroach at 1:19 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by happyroach at 1:19 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Honestly the second Gamers movie is as close to a real D&D movie as I need; a movie set in an interesting D&D universe would cool, but mostly I want to watch people make fun of bards.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I know I'm dating myself here
Well, we're in a D&D thread, so dating others is right out.
posted by zippy at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
Well, we're in a D&D thread, so dating others is right out.
posted by zippy at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
A D&D movie should be like Conan the Barbarian, but with outtakes of people sitting around the game table laughing, drinking, and insulting each other.
posted by Roger Dodger at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Roger Dodger at 1:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
blucevalo: "I know I'm dating myself here but does no one remember Mazes and Monsters , Tom Hanks' "breakout" role?"
The one mentioned on the first page of the article, you mean?
posted by Chrysostom at 1:23 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
The one mentioned on the first page of the article, you mean?
posted by Chrysostom at 1:23 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
when we finally got a D&D movie, it was basically the most generic euro-fantasy possible
I would guess that it was more about "let's capitalize on this brand that people like," rather than an attempt to actually tell a story out of the TSR-verse. It's like how superhero movies used to be made:
- Do not give a shit
- Identify marketable brand
- Obtain as much funding as possible using that brand
- Write script the night before
- Cover Michael Chiklis in rubber/Ryan Reynolds in CGI
- Continue to have the only shit you give be the one all over something people love; who cares, its just stupid nerd stuff
The D&D film (and similar sword & sorcery dreck) has basically been that same formula, except with even less notable actors. It's all about pumping out Extruded Fantasy Product rather than telling a story which just so happens to be set in that world.
It's a problem that "nerd" movies have had for a long time. Taking generic scripts and have someone shout, "MAGIC MISSLE!" or some other pandering nonsense in a scene to rub people's familiarity nodes, but otherwise completely miss the point of why people like a thing to begin with. There's lots of examples of good D&D-style movies in this post, but most of them set out to make a good movie first, not cash in on a brand.
posted by Panjandrum at 1:39 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would guess that it was more about "let's capitalize on this brand that people like," rather than an attempt to actually tell a story out of the TSR-verse. It's like how superhero movies used to be made:
- Do not give a shit
- Identify marketable brand
- Obtain as much funding as possible using that brand
- Write script the night before
- Cover Michael Chiklis in rubber/Ryan Reynolds in CGI
- Continue to have the only shit you give be the one all over something people love; who cares, its just stupid nerd stuff
The D&D film (and similar sword & sorcery dreck) has basically been that same formula, except with even less notable actors. It's all about pumping out Extruded Fantasy Product rather than telling a story which just so happens to be set in that world.
It's a problem that "nerd" movies have had for a long time. Taking generic scripts and have someone shout, "MAGIC MISSLE!" or some other pandering nonsense in a scene to rub people's familiarity nodes, but otherwise completely miss the point of why people like a thing to begin with. There's lots of examples of good D&D-style movies in this post, but most of them set out to make a good movie first, not cash in on a brand.
posted by Panjandrum at 1:39 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I thought Richard O'Brien was awesome, probably the best thing in that old 2000 D&D flick.
posted by Catblack at 1:39 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by Catblack at 1:39 PM on September 11, 2015
blucevalo: "I know I'm dating myself here but does no one remember Mazes and Monsters , Tom Hanks' "breakout" role?"
Gah! And I was having a good day.
(BTW, correctly that is Rona Jaffe's Mazes and Monsters.)
posted by Samizdata at 1:45 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Gah! And I was having a good day.
(BTW, correctly that is Rona Jaffe's Mazes and Monsters.)
posted by Samizdata at 1:45 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
What would a D&D movie even look like?
Astropia?
posted by The otter lady at 1:47 PM on September 11, 2015
Astropia?
posted by The otter lady at 1:47 PM on September 11, 2015
fearfulsymmetry: "What would a D&D movie even look like?
Never watch that larp film Knights of Badassdom... never. You might think, perhaps while drunk or something, 'Hey, it's got Dinklage in it! And Summer Glau! How bad can it be!' Don't listen to that voice. Just don't. Resist it. Watch Aliens again or something. Because... jesus wept."
Damn your eyes! Now you tell me, a week too late!
(On the plus side... SPOILER!
Abed/Danny Pudi gets his head torn off.)
posted by Samizdata at 1:49 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Never watch that larp film Knights of Badassdom... never. You might think, perhaps while drunk or something, 'Hey, it's got Dinklage in it! And Summer Glau! How bad can it be!' Don't listen to that voice. Just don't. Resist it. Watch Aliens again or something. Because... jesus wept."
Damn your eyes! Now you tell me, a week too late!
(On the plus side... SPOILER!
Abed/Danny Pudi gets his head torn off.)
posted by Samizdata at 1:49 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Celsius1414: "Apologies. I was compelled."
Metafilter: Apologies. I was compelled.
posted by Samizdata at 1:49 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Metafilter: Apologies. I was compelled.
posted by Samizdata at 1:49 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I thought Richard O'Brien was awesome, probably the best thing in that old 2000 D&D flick.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME! THEY NEVER LIKED ME!
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:52 PM on September 11, 2015
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME! THEY NEVER LIKED ME!
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:52 PM on September 11, 2015
I could imagine there being a good movie in Dark Sun, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Planescape, Mystara, etc.
I'd watch the hell out of a live-action film or even an HBO twelve-parter about Raistlin and Cameron from the Twins trilogy. Lots of good storytelling to be done there, against some pretty epic backdrops.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:34 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd watch the hell out of a live-action film or even an HBO twelve-parter about Raistlin and Cameron from the Twins trilogy. Lots of good storytelling to be done there, against some pretty epic backdrops.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:34 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Y'all are going to have to settle for Tomb of Horrors in the upcoming Ready Player One movie.
posted by GuyZero at 2:41 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by GuyZero at 2:41 PM on September 11, 2015
Damn your eyes! Now you tell me, a week too late!
Yes, it's already too late for brother Samizdata, make sure it's not too late for you, brothers and sisters!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:00 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, it's already too late for brother Samizdata, make sure it's not too late for you, brothers and sisters!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:00 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
D&D is a game. The worlds players construct are interesting to the players because they collaborate in their creation not because the narratives are compelling. You could make an interesting movie about people playing the game but not the game world. Trying to make a D&D movie is about as dumb, as say, making Battleship into a movie.
posted by rdr at 3:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by rdr at 3:20 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I always thought the fundamental problem with a D&D movie boils down to the fact that you are taking a participatory storytelling engine and making it a passive one.
When you play D&D, everyone at the table is a participant - you either have a character for whom you make decisions on how to interact with the world, or you are the DM: setting the stage, managing the host of non-primary characters, and interpreting/presenting the results of the actions going on. The story can be frivolous or serious or just adolescent goofballery, but everyone present plays a part in the creation, direction, and outcome of the story. You are both audience and participant.
With a movie, you are just the audience. So people who play the game might love the fan service and the references (though if those are just tacked onto a plain lousy script, who cares?) but its not going to be the experience of playing. For people who don't play the game, it's likely just a confused mess of strange references tacked onto a plain lousy script.
If I have to be a passive audience, I'd rather watch an actual real play session (which you can do these days, thanks to the artifact known as the Internet*) as it would far better capture the fun and the factors that draw people into these types of games than some half-baked piece of fiction set in that world.
*Minor Benign Powers: Clairaudience, Clairvoyance
Major Benign Powers: Hold Person 1X day, Confusion 1X day; Wizard eye 2x day;
Minor Malevolent Effects: Weight gain; Yearning for item forces possessor to never be away from it for more than 1 day if possible;
Major Malevolent Effects: Lose 1 pt of STR and CON permanently; Item is a prison for a powerful being and their is a 1%-4% cumulative chance per use that it will break free, take over the possessor's body, and cause them to spew forth ignorant commentary, racist/sexist/hateful remarks, and otherwise generally be an asshat for 1d6 turns;
Prime Power: The item enables the possessor to legend lore, commune, or contact
higher plane 3x/day; Vision 3x day
posted by nubs at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
When you play D&D, everyone at the table is a participant - you either have a character for whom you make decisions on how to interact with the world, or you are the DM: setting the stage, managing the host of non-primary characters, and interpreting/presenting the results of the actions going on. The story can be frivolous or serious or just adolescent goofballery, but everyone present plays a part in the creation, direction, and outcome of the story. You are both audience and participant.
With a movie, you are just the audience. So people who play the game might love the fan service and the references (though if those are just tacked onto a plain lousy script, who cares?) but its not going to be the experience of playing. For people who don't play the game, it's likely just a confused mess of strange references tacked onto a plain lousy script.
If I have to be a passive audience, I'd rather watch an actual real play session (which you can do these days, thanks to the artifact known as the Internet*) as it would far better capture the fun and the factors that draw people into these types of games than some half-baked piece of fiction set in that world.
*Minor Benign Powers: Clairaudience, Clairvoyance
Major Benign Powers: Hold Person 1X day, Confusion 1X day; Wizard eye 2x day;
Minor Malevolent Effects: Weight gain; Yearning for item forces possessor to never be away from it for more than 1 day if possible;
Major Malevolent Effects: Lose 1 pt of STR and CON permanently; Item is a prison for a powerful being and their is a 1%-4% cumulative chance per use that it will break free, take over the possessor's body, and cause them to spew forth ignorant commentary, racist/sexist/hateful remarks, and otherwise generally be an asshat for 1d6 turns;
Prime Power: The item enables the possessor to legend lore, commune, or contact
higher plane 3x/day; Vision 3x day
posted by nubs at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
[and rdr beats me too it, and is pithier too! Saving throw versus loquacity failed!]
posted by nubs at 3:25 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by nubs at 3:25 PM on September 11, 2015
Metafilter: A series of rooms designed to kill us.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:17 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 4:17 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe if they had a kid with a bucket on his head like in Knightmare...
posted by Artw at 4:27 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 4:27 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oooh...nasty...
posted by howfar at 5:10 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by howfar at 5:10 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have said this before, and I will say it again:
The D&D movie has already been made. In fact, there were a total of three movies in the series, and they were all wildly successful at the box office. They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game.
posted by magstheaxe at 6:02 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The D&D movie has already been made. In fact, there were a total of three movies in the series, and they were all wildly successful at the box office. They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game.
posted by magstheaxe at 6:02 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game.
I don't think this is really true. While LotR is a vital influence on D&D, it doesn't have that much to do with the fundamental feel of the game. For a start, D&D narratives are typically picaresque, and frequently prosaic, rather than epic and romantic, being derived from a war-gaming notion of a series of engagements forming a campaign, not an ongoing story. And of course the influences are diverse, drawing on Howard, Leiber and Vance just as much as on Tolkien.
But more than this, the feeling of the game was built up over decades of publications, inThe Dragon Magazine, in supplements as diverse as Dark Sun, Spelljammer and Tall Tales of the Wee Folk , as well as the setting novels we consumed when we were 10, but which are fundamentally unreadable as adults. It lies in the rules, too, in the abstractions of class and combat which keep characters boldly drawn and fundamentally iconic, rather than conflicted and dramatic.
I could go on, most of the people in this thread could, and that, fundamentally, is the point. The spirit of D&D, the feeling it gives us, is not drawn from of one person's artistic vision, or even that of a large team. It is something that we made together, and while we may each only know a little bit of the exquisite elephant, we all recognise the feeling of its leathery hide beneath our fingers, and we all know how it smells. I don't know if any film will ever capture that, but I am glad that feeling exists, with all of its baroque abundance of the fantastical, idiotic, joyful and mundane.
posted by howfar at 6:47 PM on September 11, 2015
I don't think this is really true. While LotR is a vital influence on D&D, it doesn't have that much to do with the fundamental feel of the game. For a start, D&D narratives are typically picaresque, and frequently prosaic, rather than epic and romantic, being derived from a war-gaming notion of a series of engagements forming a campaign, not an ongoing story. And of course the influences are diverse, drawing on Howard, Leiber and Vance just as much as on Tolkien.
But more than this, the feeling of the game was built up over decades of publications, in
I could go on, most of the people in this thread could, and that, fundamentally, is the point. The spirit of D&D, the feeling it gives us, is not drawn from of one person's artistic vision, or even that of a large team. It is something that we made together, and while we may each only know a little bit of the exquisite elephant, we all recognise the feeling of its leathery hide beneath our fingers, and we all know how it smells. I don't know if any film will ever capture that, but I am glad that feeling exists, with all of its baroque abundance of the fantastical, idiotic, joyful and mundane.
posted by howfar at 6:47 PM on September 11, 2015
The D&D movie has already been made. In fact, there were a total of three movies in the series, and they were all wildly successful at the box office. They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game.
I'm not sure if I agree exactly, but I think that LotR establishes a problem for D&D films: you've got to top LotR in some way, or be seen as a bad second-rate rip-off, or distance your production from it in some way, which is difficult when the source material is, in fact, mainly ripped-off from LotR (dwarves, halflings, a very specific aesthetic for elves, etc.). Frankly, most people who root for a D&D film seem to mainly want a swords-and-sorcery film, so - why not make film based on the actual source material that sword-and-sorcery gaming drew from?
I guess the case is stronger for some of the less generic settings, but even then, why not just make a postapocalyptic fantasy film rather than a "Dark Sun" film (Conan the Barbarian was, in setting and tone, something like this, and with far greater name recognition). Or fantasy steampunk/magitech film rather than an "Eberron" film? Basically, the D&D material which is sufficiently creative and innovative to escape from the looming shadow of LotR has sufficiently small name recognition that there's basically no reason to actually officially tie the material to the film.
posted by AdamCSnider at 6:51 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure if I agree exactly, but I think that LotR establishes a problem for D&D films: you've got to top LotR in some way, or be seen as a bad second-rate rip-off, or distance your production from it in some way, which is difficult when the source material is, in fact, mainly ripped-off from LotR (dwarves, halflings, a very specific aesthetic for elves, etc.). Frankly, most people who root for a D&D film seem to mainly want a swords-and-sorcery film, so - why not make film based on the actual source material that sword-and-sorcery gaming drew from?
I guess the case is stronger for some of the less generic settings, but even then, why not just make a postapocalyptic fantasy film rather than a "Dark Sun" film (Conan the Barbarian was, in setting and tone, something like this, and with far greater name recognition). Or fantasy steampunk/magitech film rather than an "Eberron" film? Basically, the D&D material which is sufficiently creative and innovative to escape from the looming shadow of LotR has sufficiently small name recognition that there's basically no reason to actually officially tie the material to the film.
posted by AdamCSnider at 6:51 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
TBH they way we did it was always way more Guardians of the Galaxy than LotR.
posted by Artw at 6:54 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by Artw at 6:54 PM on September 11, 2015
Apologies. I was compelled.
As the cleric said to the half-elven thief, "you are forgiven, my son. No wait, do I know that spell yet?"
posted by scalefree at 7:09 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
As the cleric said to the half-elven thief, "you are forgiven, my son. No wait, do I know that spell yet?"
posted by scalefree at 7:09 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I bet an interesting movie could be made that blended the game set into various fantasy sets, using the players' voiceovers to carry us from one world into the other (& back, either for humor or just reaction shots). Wouldn't be easy but a skilled filmmaker could do it. If done right it'd have the feel of an actual game, drawing you into a fantasy world then snapping back out of it.
posted by scalefree at 7:51 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by scalefree at 7:51 PM on September 11, 2015
D&D is a game. The worlds players construct are interesting to the players because they collaborate in their creation not because the narratives are compelling.
I can't really agree with this sentiment, as it completely ignores that D&D is in fact more than just a game.
Sure, a lot of what has been fun about D&D is what you make of it, but there are absolutely pieces that aren't just one group's imagination at play -- there are novels, campaign settings, and whole epic storylines (via a number of famous published modules) that we have all shared over the years. Saying there shouldn't be a D&D movie because people make up their own stories in that multiverse outside of the canon is like saying Star Wars shouldn't be represented in an RPG setting because it's already got a movie canon and therefore nobody should play outside of that. Both sides can exist simultaneously.
To reiterate my frustration: I'm honestly not sure I would ever want to see a D&D movie in the sense of "people are playing D&D". But, I think there's quite a lot of interesting settings and stories (via the novels and big box published module sets) that could make great movies, the majority of which were available intellectual property to the people who have made D&D movies. Despite that, precisely none of that great material was mined when they made the first movie (I haven't seen the rest), and instead we got generic fantasy with shitty pandering.
Pick any of the TSR era settings, and I swear, you can find a neat story to tell that is highly specific to that world. It'd be nice if the people who own those worlds were interested in telling those stories.
posted by tocts at 8:00 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't really agree with this sentiment, as it completely ignores that D&D is in fact more than just a game.
Sure, a lot of what has been fun about D&D is what you make of it, but there are absolutely pieces that aren't just one group's imagination at play -- there are novels, campaign settings, and whole epic storylines (via a number of famous published modules) that we have all shared over the years. Saying there shouldn't be a D&D movie because people make up their own stories in that multiverse outside of the canon is like saying Star Wars shouldn't be represented in an RPG setting because it's already got a movie canon and therefore nobody should play outside of that. Both sides can exist simultaneously.
To reiterate my frustration: I'm honestly not sure I would ever want to see a D&D movie in the sense of "people are playing D&D". But, I think there's quite a lot of interesting settings and stories (via the novels and big box published module sets) that could make great movies, the majority of which were available intellectual property to the people who have made D&D movies. Despite that, precisely none of that great material was mined when they made the first movie (I haven't seen the rest), and instead we got generic fantasy with shitty pandering.
Pick any of the TSR era settings, and I swear, you can find a neat story to tell that is highly specific to that world. It'd be nice if the people who own those worlds were interested in telling those stories.
posted by tocts at 8:00 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
magstheaxe: "I have said this before, and I will say it again:
The D&D movie has already been made. In fact, there were a total of three movies in the series, and they were all wildly successful at the box office. They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game."
Not so much. None of said movies had a berserker with an IQ a stump could feel superior to or a hyperactive ratman thief that once made puppets out of animated dwarf skulls.*
* Actual things that have happened when you have Samizdata in your game.
posted by Samizdata at 8:25 PM on September 11, 2015
The D&D movie has already been made. In fact, there were a total of three movies in the series, and they were all wildly successful at the box office. They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game."
Not so much. None of said movies had a berserker with an IQ a stump could feel superior to or a hyperactive ratman thief that once made puppets out of animated dwarf skulls.*
* Actual things that have happened when you have Samizdata in your game.
posted by Samizdata at 8:25 PM on September 11, 2015
scalefree: "Apologies. I was compelled.
As the cleric said to the half-elven thief, "you are forgiven, my son. No wait, do I know that spell yet?""
"Wait, I do, but I forgot to pray for it this morning. Off to the Nine Hells for you, bucko! Sorry!"
posted by Samizdata at 8:27 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
As the cleric said to the half-elven thief, "you are forgiven, my son. No wait, do I know that spell yet?""
"Wait, I do, but I forgot to pray for it this morning. Off to the Nine Hells for you, bucko! Sorry!"
posted by Samizdata at 8:27 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nobody's mentioned Pathfinder yet? Because there should absolutely be a Pathfinder movie, if not a TV series. Absalom, Riddleport, the Land of the Linnorn Kings... halflings fighting to liberate their own from the demon-worshipping slavers of Cheliax... demons pouring out of the Worldwound... special appearances by Cayden Cailean, the Shane McGowan of the gods. Fuck yes.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:43 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:43 PM on September 11, 2015
Fuckit. Castle Greyhawk complete with slapstick. At least it would be a better remake of The Fantastic 4 with Da Ting.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:15 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:15 PM on September 11, 2015
TBH they way we did it was always way more Guardians of the Galaxy than LotR.
I have seen it argued that Guardians of the Galaxy really reads like a sci-fi RPG gone wildly off the rails. It's ... a compelling interpretation.
posted by kafziel at 11:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have seen it argued that Guardians of the Galaxy really reads like a sci-fi RPG gone wildly off the rails. It's ... a compelling interpretation.
posted by kafziel at 11:22 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have seen it argued that Guardians of the Galaxy really reads like a sci-fi RPG gone wildly off the rails. It's ... a compelling interpretation.
Groot is a classic min max character... 'So I'm adding Height, Added Strength and Regeneration' 'Sigh... you don't have the points' 'I'm taking the disadvantage of Minimal Communication'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:37 AM on September 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Groot is a classic min max character... 'So I'm adding Height, Added Strength and Regeneration' 'Sigh... you don't have the points' 'I'm taking the disadvantage of Minimal Communication'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:37 AM on September 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
I could imagine there being a good movie in Dark Sun, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Planescape, Mystara, etc.
There is a Dragonlance movie. I know: I worked on the DVD and did the encoding and menu designs for it. So watching it many times was in fact my job. It was an exquisitely painful part of the project.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 9:07 AM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
There is a Dragonlance movie. I know: I worked on the DVD and did the encoding and menu designs for it. So watching it many times was in fact my job. It was an exquisitely painful part of the project.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 9:07 AM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I forgot how to Krull.
posted by ostranenie at 3:35 PM on September 12, 2015
posted by ostranenie at 3:35 PM on September 12, 2015
I think we're being unfair to the Dungeons and Dragons movie- it does actually emulate a certain type of D&D game.
"So you're playing a rogue? But rogues are totally weak."
"I like rogues. The DM likes rogues."
"Seriously? What are you bringing to the table?"
"I'm banging the DM."
"Oh. ...fuck."
"So like, you're in the Maze of uhh, Testing and the crowd is cheering. What do you do?"
"I umm...I go left?"
"You succeed! The crowd cheers!"
"So UH, you're all at he final dungeon full of gold and glory. To uhh, save the kingdom."
"Alright! Finally we get some gold and experience!"
"Only the rogue can go past the force field."
"..."
"So you all salute as the rogue bravely goes alone to defeat the villain..."
"Fuck. You."
posted by happyroach at 3:54 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"So you're playing a rogue? But rogues are totally weak."
"I like rogues. The DM likes rogues."
"Seriously? What are you bringing to the table?"
"I'm banging the DM."
"Oh. ...fuck."
"So like, you're in the Maze of uhh, Testing and the crowd is cheering. What do you do?"
"I umm...I go left?"
"You succeed! The crowd cheers!"
"So UH, you're all at he final dungeon full of gold and glory. To uhh, save the kingdom."
"Alright! Finally we get some gold and experience!"
"Only the rogue can go past the force field."
"..."
"So you all salute as the rogue bravely goes alone to defeat the villain..."
"Fuck. You."
posted by happyroach at 3:54 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Hawk the Slayer" is rubbish!
GET OUT!
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 5:15 PM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
GET OUT!
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 5:15 PM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
At least it wasn't a Forgotten Realms story with that damn Drow that RA Salvatore has over written with a cudgel enough to beat a horse to death.
I've only gotten into D&D in my thirties, and whenever I'm at my local library I'm somehow intrigued by the sheer volume of glossy Salvatore/Drizzt titles. Are there any that are worth reading?
posted by HeroZero at 7:32 PM on September 12, 2015
I've only gotten into D&D in my thirties, and whenever I'm at my local library I'm somehow intrigued by the sheer volume of glossy Salvatore/Drizzt titles. Are there any that are worth reading?
posted by HeroZero at 7:32 PM on September 12, 2015
I worked on the DVD and did the encoding and menu designs for it. So watching it many times was in fact my job.
I am sorry.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Drgalonlance: The Movie. Not even once.
posted by Mezentian at 11:32 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am sorry.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Drgalonlance: The Movie. Not even once.
posted by Mezentian at 11:32 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have seen it argued that Guardians of the Galaxy really reads like a sci-fi RPG gone wildly off the rails. It's ... a compelling interpretation.
Now I am sad we'll never get a Star Frontiers film.
Or Metamorphosis Alpha.
And, most of all, Gamma World.
(Which, really, does explain Groot).
posted by Mezentian at 11:33 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now I am sad we'll never get a Star Frontiers film.
Or Metamorphosis Alpha.
And, most of all, Gamma World.
(Which, really, does explain Groot).
posted by Mezentian at 11:33 PM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Paranoia?
posted by nickzoic at 2:02 AM on September 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nickzoic at 2:02 AM on September 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are two very different D&D movies that could be made. One would be a strict fantasy peice with zero mention of the meta game or the characters as characters. The other would follow a game showing both OOC and in character elements.
The fantasy bits of The Princess Bride is how I see the games I play.
magstheaxe: "They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game."
Kind of light on magic though, at least from the PCs point of view. Sure Gandalf swoops in from time to time but I don't see him as being part of the party because so so completely outclasses the others.
Which is a problem with a D&D movie. You want to see character growth but rarely do you see growth in half a dozen roles in a single movie.
posted by Mitheral at 9:53 AM on September 13, 2015
The fantasy bits of The Princess Bride is how I see the games I play.
magstheaxe: "They're more commonly known as The Lord of the Rings films, and AFAIC, they capture the spirit of how players envision their characters in a game."
Kind of light on magic though, at least from the PCs point of view. Sure Gandalf swoops in from time to time but I don't see him as being part of the party because so so completely outclasses the others.
Which is a problem with a D&D movie. You want to see character growth but rarely do you see growth in half a dozen roles in a single movie.
posted by Mitheral at 9:53 AM on September 13, 2015
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posted by Nanukthedog at 10:43 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]