Ordering from the special menu
September 15, 2015 4:03 PM   Subscribe

A few weeks ago, the restaurant critic for the East Bay Express found himself duped by reviews of a phony Chinese restaurant in the hills of El Cerrito. Was it a hoax or a glimpse of a possible future?
posted by Lexica (76 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
Moderately OK is probably better than the No. 1 Chinese Restaurant.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:11 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


probably the best
posted by griphus at 4:13 PM on September 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


"What’d you expect? We’re just okay."

I live next door to Pizzeria Okay. They're OK.
posted by effbot at 4:15 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Just goes to show enough social networking can create your own reality. Now if they had built up a lively twitter environment...
posted by sammyo at 4:21 PM on September 15, 2015


And here I thought the possible future was a William Gibson-esque maze of infinite fake restaurant reviews with the real ones hidden from everyone except those with the requisite social cachet and 31337 hacker skillz.
posted by GuyZero at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


I remember a Mad magazine cartoon about pizza that had a street of pizzerias all with their advertising slogans:

Tony's: Best pizza in the city
Guido's: Best pizza in the state
Luigi's: Best pizza in the country
Giuseppe's: Best pizza in the world
Luca's: Best pizza in the universe
And finally
Milton's: Best pizza on this block
posted by chavenet at 4:32 PM on September 15, 2015 [23 favorites]


Last time I was in Colorado and on the the hunt for used bookstores, I ran across this. (You have to read the reviews for the full effect.)

I suspect this may be a game/anime/comics reference of some kind, but I really hope it isn't. I hope it's just a tiny, inexplicable, self-contained fiction shard.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 4:37 PM on September 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I must here praise Unsatisfactory Software - slogan, "because it is" - as a memorable adornment to the UK's 8-bit micro days. Perhaps its most famous creation was ALS, the Advanced Lawnmower Simulator.
posted by Devonian at 4:37 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I can't believe Chiu didn't at least offer to make him dinner.
posted by Diablevert at 4:40 PM on September 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


This is hilarious.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 4:44 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Fred Sanford was ahead of his time.
posted by The Gooch at 4:45 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


The name reminds me of the old Standard India Restaurant in Chicago. I feel like a lot of different national cuisines could do this: Adequate Vietnamese Food, Satisfactory Caribbean Kitchen, Cocina Mexicana Razonable, etc.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:45 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hah! This actually happened to me only a few weeks ago, and it was almost exactly as described in the article. I was browsing Yelp for new restaurants, and found some intriguing place called "Ko's" located somewhere in the LES with no phone number or address. There were lot of interesting pictures and glowing reviews that made it sound like some secret dinner club. Even some random person on Chowhound cryptically mentioned it. After posting my own thread on Chowhound, nobody had any clue what it was, so I assumed it was some people joking around on Yelp.

Another phenomenon is restaurants that exist only on Seamless. They come up with all sorts of random names but have the exact same menu and all link back to one kitchen that churns out the food. Apparently it's to capture people who like to randomly order from different places.
posted by pravit at 4:49 PM on September 15, 2015 [12 favorites]


On the same list, Caffe Macs is Apple's employee-only cafeteria at Apple, Blaze is Google's, neither of which are open to the general public.

Nor does Yelp check for legality, with the (San Francisco) "Truffle Man" having his very own Yelp page, despite his product being questionably legal. (The Tamale Lady was "shutdown" for a bit, since she was not operating out of a commercial kitchen.)
posted by fragmede at 4:50 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


And here I thought the possible future was a William Gibson-esque maze of infinite fake restaurant reviews with the real ones hidden from everyone except those with the requisite social cachet and 31337 hacker skillz.

Or just-in-time restaurants that are algorithmically created when someone with a specific advertising profile searches for a cuisine, present an algorithmically-generated menu tailored to appeal to them based on their profile, and then subcontract the cooking to a number of specialised “cloud catering solutions providers” (or whatever), before sending a courier on a motorcycle to deliver the finished product.
posted by acb at 4:53 PM on September 15, 2015 [60 favorites]


Caffe Macs is Apple's employee-only cafeteria

God bless the second visible review citing how much food you can get there.
posted by griphus at 4:53 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


>Or just-in-time restaurants that are algorithmically created

I'm oddly fine with this, so long as the food is moderately OK.
posted by insert.witticism.here at 4:56 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


effbot: "I live next door to Pizzeria Okay. They're OK."

"The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?"
'No man, they suck!'
"So it's not just a clever name."
posted by Chrysostom at 4:58 PM on September 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


Once I realized the whole thing was a joke, I wondered what the punchline was. If it was a prank, who was it a prank on?

what with everything i've read about swatting lately, I was fully expecting the answer to this to be totally awful and I'm relieved that this seems to be the rare case with a totally benign explanation
posted by kagredon at 5:07 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


On the same list, Caffe Macs is Apple's employee-only cafeteria at Apple, Blaze is Google's, neither of which are open to the general public.

Jesus, $8 for lunch at Apple? What am I, a farmer?
posted by GuyZero at 5:07 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I live around the corner from a place called Super Burrito which, wait for it, serves Chinese food and chinese inspired soul food but not burritos.
posted by shmegegge at 5:10 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


This guy lives in the Bay Area? He should just go get VC funding. Ha ha ha only serious. Faked up websites with A/B tested menus is a lot more market research than goes into most restaurant launches.

"Sign Up Now To Be Notified When Chiu's Opens Near You Soon!"
[like] [tweet] [yelp] [pin] [tumbl] [reddit] [digg] [linkedin] [github]
ACCREDITED INVESTOR? CLICK HERE TO BUILD WITH US.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:29 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Chinese inspired soul food?
posted by ChuraChura at 5:31 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


chinese inspired soul food

okay you can't say that and leave us hanging, that's just cruel
posted by kagredon at 5:31 PM on September 15, 2015


Echoing above, I have no idea what it means, but goddamn I want some Chinese influenced soul food now.
posted by Keith Talent at 5:37 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


There's an auto service near me called "Beyond Repair." I wonder what they actually do to the cars that people bring in there.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 5:45 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


It's things like French Fries with shrimp smothered in melted cheddar, but the whole thing is seasoned with spices you'd expect from a chinese restaurant. We're not talking about about some new kind of fusion food, we're talking about the kind of food you find in a poor neighborhood with large black and asian communities.
posted by shmegegge at 5:46 PM on September 15, 2015 [11 favorites]


TheWhiteSkull, I once went to a place called the Sanitary Fish Market and Restaurant.
posted by infinitewindow at 6:04 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


On the same list, Caffe Macs is Apple's employee-only cafeteria at Apple, Blaze is Google's, neither of which are open to the general public.

They've got nothing on the Starbucks inside CIA headquarters.
posted by indubitable at 6:09 PM on September 15, 2015


The Sanitary in Morehead City??

whoa, people here have been everywhere
posted by indubitable at 6:16 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


SaniTaco!™
posted by griphus at 6:16 PM on September 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


The name reminds me of the old Standard India Restaurant in Chicago. I feel like a lot of different national cuisines could do this: Adequate Vietnamese Food, Satisfactory Caribbean Kitchen, Cocina Mexicana Razonable, etc.

There used to a deli/cafe near me called 3 Star Coffee Shop and I remember thinking "good on them for being proud of what they are."
posted by The Whelk at 6:22 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


On the subject of Chinese soul food, if you're in Toronto you should try hitting up Patois. Come for the delicious food, stay for the amazing drinks (omg the trade winds)...leave for the overly-loud douchey atmosphere. Still worth it, and hopefully now a year later its vibe has toned down.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:30 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


a glimpse of a possible future?

this really is genius marketing.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:38 PM on September 15, 2015


aaaaaaaaaah I want to go to Patois so much now
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:42 PM on September 15, 2015


feckless fecal fear mongering: " a glimpse of a possible future?

this really is genius marketing.
"

Yup. A writeup by a decent journalist, complete with a healthy dose of quirkiness, a happy ending, and no one even had to cook anything.
posted by Samizdata at 6:50 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I used to live downwind of a place called "No. 8 China Restaurant" in Chicago. It was a hole-in-the-wall place on Touhy, if I remember right. I think the building's gone now, and haven't bothered to check to see if it reopened elsewhere, since I have China King right here in Indianapolis.
posted by pjern at 7:09 PM on September 15, 2015


There's an auto service near me called "Beyond Repair." I wonder what they actually do to the cars that people bring in there.

On San Pablo in Berkeley? That place cracks me up.
posted by brundlefly at 7:15 PM on September 15, 2015


I've never been to Good even though I've driven past it about 8 million times and I like microbreweries/grills. Actually, it's probably because I like those types of restaurants that I've avoided the one that only owns up to 'good'. Change the name to 'Damn Good' or 'Awesome' and I'd consider it, but don't sell yourself short.
posted by carsonb at 7:19 PM on September 15, 2015


In Boston, No. 1 Chinese Food is in Mattapan. A few miles away, in West Roxbury, you'll find No. 7 Chinese Food. 2 through 6, however, are nowhere to be found.
posted by adamg at 7:20 PM on September 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Sounds like "Spinal Tap". It was a spoof, but they ended up touring and releasing albums.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:49 PM on September 15, 2015


My new goto indie VW shop in Berkeley is KarmaKanix.
posted by notyou at 7:50 PM on September 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Down at Jalan Besar in Singapore, you have (had?) GUARANTEE: No Lousy Fish that apparently served nasi lemak not too shabbily.
posted by the cydonian at 7:51 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


In Chicago, you also have the various non-sequentially numbered Harold's Chicken Shacks.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:25 PM on September 15, 2015


…about our food-obsessed culture, which places such a premium on discovering the latest and greatest obscure restaurant

I really hate when navel-gazing, self-absorbed people like the author project their own neuroses on the 'culture'.
posted by signal at 8:28 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Change the name to 'Damn Good' or 'Awesome' and I'd consider it, but don't sell yourself short."

On rare occasion I visit Yummy Yummy and I'm curious if that name would merit your consideration.
posted by komara at 8:32 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Wow, this much of the thread has gone by and nobody has mentioned Carlsberg's slogan, "Probably the best beer in town"? I think seeing that slogan emblazoned across the side of their building was when I well and truly fell in love with Denmark.
posted by town of cats at 8:51 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Don't go to Yummy House, SF. It's more accurately known as Adequate House.
posted by blnkfrnk at 8:56 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Along these lines, I kind of want to open a diner just called "Food." Or maybe "Eat."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:56 PM on September 15, 2015


If I have to be perfectly honest:
that sounds like it fucking rules


It completely does, but is so so bad for you and I'm trying to watch my figure.
posted by shmegegge at 8:59 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


On rare occasion I visit Yummy Yummy and I'm curious if that name would merit your consideration.

I'll give anything so good they named it twice a shot, sure!
posted by carsonb at 9:04 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Tallahassee, like DC is a Giant Slice of Pizza town. Of the several joints there, Decent Pizza definitely lives up to its name. Giant slices to order, undergrad servers totally uninterested in giving you food, and amazing music. Way more fun than Momo's.
posted by 3urypteris at 9:33 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I miss standard india. The food was good and the family that owned it was the nicest. Chicago is also dotted with non sequentially numbered See Through Chinese Kitchens. I haven't been to one yet.
posted by Uncle at 10:07 PM on September 15, 2015


There's an auto service near me called "Beyond Repair." I wonder what they actually do to the cars that people bring in there.

Take them out to the desert?
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:10 PM on September 15, 2015


>Along these lines, I kind of want to open a diner just called "Foold." Or maybe "Eat."

I heartily support you; when I lived in Delaware, across the street from my job was a restaurant called the Border Cafe, which bore a large sign that simply said "EAT." (scroll about halfway down the page) I would ask my coworkers if they wanted to grab lunch at EAT, but they either didn't get it or didn't think it was funny. But you, you're different. You're like me.
posted by mreleganza at 10:16 PM on September 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I must here praise Unsatisfactory Software...

Reminds me of the Chinese guy who came into our shop, with his business card, "President and CEO -- Technology, LTD."
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:25 PM on September 15, 2015


Chinese inspired soul food?

Spitballing here. You can probably draw inspiration from Chinese breakfast (fried dough, fried onion pancake, pork belly half buns), some dim sum stuff (chicken feet, tripe stew, fried lollipop shrimp), and just any chinese dish with pork belly (like kou rou). Heck, crispy Peking Duck eaten with steamed bun + sweet-ish tianmianjian is kind of even like chicken and waffles.
posted by FJT at 12:18 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


no the chicken component has to be the szechuan dry-fried stuff
posted by kagredon at 12:45 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Chinese inspired soul food?

Not exactly soul food, but up in Scotland in a tiny town called Alloa there is a teeny Chinese takeaway shop called Oriental Cottage.

I can forgive them of their tacky name because they make a delectable side dish called Salt and Pepper Chips.

These are chips (the British kind, ie fat french fries) that are battered in salt and pepper batter (which is commonly used for battering salt and pepper squid) and then deep fried. Serve it with some curry sauce and you basically get the equivalent of Scottish/Chinese soul food. We have yet to convince our local London Chinese takeaway that this is A Thing That Must Happen Down South.

*goes to check when the next trip to visit the in-laws is*
posted by like_neon at 1:30 AM on September 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


I would ask my coworkers if they wanted to grab lunch at EAT, but they either didn't get it or didn't think it was funny.

EAT. is a real chain in England.
posted by like_neon at 1:32 AM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's things like French Fries with shrimp smothered in melted cheddar, but the whole thing is seasoned with spices you'd expect from a chinese restaurant. We're not talking about about some new kind of fusion food, we're talking about the kind of food you find in a poor neighborhood with large black and asian communities.

But isn't this where actual fusion cuisines come from? The Compton Taco (and probably most new foods ever) came about because of demographic changes in the area, not because a chef with 3 Michelin stars invented putting deep-fried turkey into a tortilla.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:36 AM on September 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


FFFM and like_neon, Singapore also has a chain of eateries call Eat. (with the full stop). Pretty decent affordably priced food, mostly Chinese style noodles.
posted by Alnedra at 2:29 AM on September 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


There's a Chinese carry out storefront named "Rice."
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 4:01 AM on September 16, 2015


fffm, I've been to a bar in Chattanooga called Drink. Well, technically due to licensing laws, it was Eat and Drink, but Eat was tiny on the sign compared to Drink.

Unless you're a bored vanilla UTC student, I don't recommend you visit.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:06 AM on September 16, 2015


Durham, NC has the following within walking distance of each other:
Toast, specializing in panini, crostini and the like.
Loaf, a bakery doing mostly French country style breads.
Scratch, started as a pie shop and since expanded to New Southern breakfast and lunches.

(There's a new retail front for Rise setting up not far away but tbh their biscuits and donuts are dissatisfying and overpriced what with Scratch nearby and Monuts not far away. But boy howdy do the out of towners from Chapel Hill and Cary glom onto it like they're the Starbucks of donuts.)
posted by ardgedee at 5:00 AM on September 16, 2015


All this talk about EAT is making me nostalgic for "Eat at Dan's", a hole in the wall in Socorro, New Mexico. Green chile cheeseburgers and enchiladas, and the whole indulgence of "Hey, should we go eat at Eat at Dan's?" AFAIK, Dan upped and retired to Arizona, so Eat at Dan's is no more - maybe he started cooking for friends in Arizona and got Yelp reviews, though.
posted by RedOrGreen at 5:16 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Sanitary in Morehead City??

whoa, people here have been everywhere
posted by indubitable at 9:16 PM on September 15


What is with that? I still see those shirts at least once a year. The last time I went it wasn't even that good!
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:13 AM on September 16, 2015


No mention of Legal Seafood yet?

In DC, we have Good Danny's, with offerings like steak and cheese eggrolls and breaded, fried crab stick. There's also Danny's (and Dannies), but, apparently, they aren't as good.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:52 AM on September 16, 2015


When I was working at Chowhound, we had some hoax reviews published about a fake Italian restaurant that were part of someone else's effort to demonstrate that the Wine Spectator awards were bullshit. And when that was brought to our attention, we shrugged, deleted the fake posts and moved on.

A lot of people seemed to think we should be really embarrassed by that, but really, what are we going to do? There's no way to verify data for every business people choose to talk about without spending huge gobs of money throwing manpower at the project. Very few sites have those kinds of resources to throw at unearthing what is a very, very minor blip in their data.

We paid data providers for awhile to give us lists of North American restaurants, and even data from a company whose main job was managing this kind of data was a clusterfuck of duplicates, missing items, places opening and closing and not getting replaced properly in the data, etc.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:39 AM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Right now I am staying in the middle of an industrial area between Gussago and Brescia, in Lombardy. Apart from espresso, brioche and processed food there is very little to eat around here.

Yesterday I spotted a restaurant called El Chilango, and last night I took a 3 mile walk expecting tamales, barbacoa, chiles rellenos, even some refried beans.

On arriving, I notice the small print under El Chilango: tex-mex. Re-adjust expectations to nachos with sour cream and cheddar. Walk in and see the owners, Chinese couple. Which is perfectly fine, I've had delicious Mexican food at Cafes de Chinos from La Paz to Acapulco. Look at the menu, falafel and gyros.

I am living in the future, and it is not all it was supposed to be.
posted by Doroteo Arango II at 8:41 AM on September 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


How about the Economical Hibachi Grill & Buffet north of Chicago?
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 9:48 AM on September 16, 2015


The epilogue was kind of sweet, the dreamer in me hopes that somehow this guy will get his chance to run his restaurant and that it will be hugely successful and then they make a rom com about him and his restaurant and how he wooed his spouse with delicious fish.
posted by SassHat at 1:11 PM on September 16, 2015


carsonb, Good in Los Angeles is NOT GOOD. Despite the name they do not brew anything and don't really sell actual microbrews. I go there once a year on average thinking it can't actually be as awful as I remember, and then I end up paying $14 for a Sam Adams and side of underdone fries and feel totally ripped off.
posted by holyrood at 7:25 PM on September 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


> What is with that? I still see those shirts at least once a year. The last time I went it wasn't even that good!

Marines, maybe? They used to dock their amphibious assault ships at the port.

Man, that's a blast from the past — a name and a place vaguely recalled from childhood family vacations. Haven't had reason to be down that way in a long time.
posted by indubitable at 8:32 PM on September 16, 2015


feckless fecal fear mongering, my favorite lunch place "Lunch" just closed down :(
posted by sidewinder at 9:55 PM on September 16, 2015


There's a Food, Inc. in San Francisco where I ate pretty often until I found a rubber band in the Salade Nicoise.
posted by goofyfoot at 1:08 AM on September 17, 2015


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