She seems really free of hives and overall like a nice girl—nay, woman.

September 22, 2015 8:00 AM

Let’s just be honest with ourselves: of course people gossip about us [...] This month’s One Big Question is what do you want people to say about you after you’ve left the room, because it’s a way for our deepest insecurities to mingle with our private aspirations and come up with something honest and hopeful, and quite possibly, true.

posted by griphus (125 comments total)

"i enjoyed being surrounded by her clouds of skin and fart bacteria"
posted by poffin boffin at 8:02 AM on September 22, 2015 [60 favorites]

This is the thing I have to not think about in order to be, like, at all socially functional.

There's a reason 80% of mind-reading stories wind up with the protagonist going insane.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:03 AM on September 22, 2015 [31 favorites]

"Wow, she sure likes cats, doesn't she?"
posted by Kitteh at 8:07 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

really tho it's the creepy things that people feel comfortable saying to my friends about me when i'm not even there that are the worst. why does everyone think my friends aren't going to tell me? where did everyone go wrong in their lives.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:09 AM on September 22, 2015 [10 favorites]

"Christ, what an asshole."

Oh, what we WANT people to say...
posted by briank at 8:09 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Whenever The Card Cheat's not around, all the other people should be asking "Where's The Card Cheat"?
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:11 AM on September 22, 2015 [28 favorites]

"he was less annoying than expected"

(this is also in my living will as a sugg. tombstone idea)
posted by boo_radley at 8:14 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"We're still alive! I guess Happyroach wasn't too angry about our failure after all!
posted by happyroach at 8:16 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

"Who was that masked man?"
posted by BeReasonable at 8:17 AM on September 22, 2015 [12 favorites]

"Let's be sure to invite them over again in the future."
posted by oceanjesse at 8:17 AM on September 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

I wish I had some big grand answer to this but really I would just like people to think I'm funny and smart and kind. Honestly, though, I'd settle for "Wow, I never would have guessed she's bipolar!" but that's a pretty big stretch I think.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:19 AM on September 22, 2015 [13 favorites]

Yeah, definitely some variation of "I'd like to hang out with her more." I would also accept "She's clever!" or "I liked her shirt."
posted by maryr at 8:22 AM on September 22, 2015 [6 favorites]

Seriously, though, I've always just kind of assumed that whenever I leave the room people just lapse into a silent state of contemplative awe and contentment.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:23 AM on September 22, 2015 [31 favorites]

"I mean, she was really nice, but a cat in a Baby Bjorn?? What was that all about?"
posted by Kitteh at 8:24 AM on September 22, 2015 [10 favorites]

"Huh. I guess misandry IS real."
posted by divined by radio at 8:24 AM on September 22, 2015 [53 favorites]

I would like to leave just a general sense of warmth, really, but I think it's probably more of the people allergic to cats feeling like they can breathe normally again. Some days I'm just a Pigpen of cat hair and dryer lint.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 8:24 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

"She seemed really human and in no way like a lizard person."
posted by thetortoise at 8:26 AM on September 22, 2015 [23 favorites]

"That guy married awfully well, didn't he?"
posted by notyou at 8:28 AM on September 22, 2015 [14 favorites]

I mean, honestly, not to be morose, but as a single person who lives away from family, I just want to know that someone would notice if I weren't there, you know? So I guess, if I really dig down deep, even "I'd like to see her again" is really "I wish she weren't leaving. I hope she comes back soon."

I'm sorry to spoil the fun lizard-person misandry cat times. :( I swear I am not as sad as this comment makes me sound. Please don't talk about how depressing I am when I close this tab.
posted by maryr at 8:28 AM on September 22, 2015 [74 favorites]

"Is there another pilot on this plane?!"
posted by backseatpilot at 8:29 AM on September 22, 2015 [26 favorites]

I'm not even sure what I'd want people to say about me, but what they most likely are saying is "He probably meant that to be funny."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:30 AM on September 22, 2015 [24 favorites]

"I'd love to hang out with her." is honestly what I hope people say.

This is a huge worry of mine, though. My mother gossiped incessantly about other women and it was more often than not about their bodies (hello, eating disorder!), so I have always tried to fly very very low.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:30 AM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

What others say about me is none of my business.

Ok, I'm not there yet. "Nice take on that Francoise Hardy tune."
posted by Sheydem-tants at 8:33 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

What I hope is for no one to say anything about me, good or ill, except to remember to ask me to come with, or to remember to ask for my help at something I'm good at. I get prickles whenever I apply for something and have to think about them discussing me. Not my work, but me. Urgh.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:33 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

If I wanted to know what people think about me when I'm not around I'd read my RateMyProfessor page, and fuck that.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 8:34 AM on September 22, 2015 [29 favorites]

Smart and funny, interesting - always fun to hang out with. A good friend, smells good, super stylish and not at all exhausting.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:35 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just throw a smokebomb as I leave so everyone is too busy coughing and/or asphyxiating to discuss anything.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:36 AM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

People continue to exist after I can no longer interact with them ?
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:37 AM on September 22, 2015 [31 favorites]

maryr: you don't seem sad to me. :-)
posted by Sheydem-tants at 8:38 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Where can I send my cheque?"
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:38 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Honestly I find this thought super reassuring. It occurred to me a few years ago that even if I have objectively worse social skills than everyone else in the room, that is still perfectly consistent with a few people thinking oh hey, I'd like to see more of her when I leave. And so now that's what I imagine when I'm around other people who are bigger and shinier and more gregarious than me. I don't need to win, I just need to make a few people glad I showed up.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:39 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"smells good" is pretty high on my list, always, but especially now that i am having some hilariously rank steroid sweats which is kind of like someone took 5 gallons of my regular sweat and simmered it down into maybe 10oz of terrible sweat demiglace

advair why
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 AM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

"She has fun no matter where she goes."

This is embarrassing in the same way that Bender wanting to be a folk singer was embarrassing. It's so wildly out of character. Except it's technically true because I don't really go many places.
posted by giraffe at 8:41 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

This is why I set my phone to record and then accidentally leave it laying around. "Whoops, forgot my phone! Sorry!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:42 AM on September 22, 2015 [6 favorites]

♪ Co-stan-za ♫
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on September 22, 2015

This is why object permanence is an overrated cognitive ability.
posted by sixswitch at 8:43 AM on September 22, 2015 [22 favorites]

I hope, when asked about me when I'm not in the room, people say that The Whelk is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

Cause then I know the conditioning framework is working.
posted by The Whelk at 8:44 AM on September 22, 2015 [12 favorites]

"Aaaaaaand, scene. Good work, people!"
posted by The Bellman at 8:44 AM on September 22, 2015 [11 favorites]

"Well, that went about as well as could be expected."
posted by Shepherd at 8:44 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

"She'd be fantastic as James Bond -- in the best sense."
posted by datawrangler at 8:45 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I mean, honestly, not to be morose, but as a single person who lives away from family, I just want to know that someone would notice if I weren't there, you know?

_{For what it's worth, I always notice you when you post because you're consistently funny and clever when you do. So you know, I would miss you if you were gone.}
posted by sciatrix at 8:45 AM on September 22, 2015 [20 favorites]

Seconding that - I would notice, maryr.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:46 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

Less seriously, I always assume that people completely forget about me when I've left the room. That way I can be pleasantly surprised if they tell me something nice later.
posted by sciatrix at 8:46 AM on September 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

"She's a good mom. She's doing a good job and her kids are going to turn out fine."
posted by arcticwoman at 8:47 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"That thing he said was really funny and totally made up for his utter humorlessness about that other thing"
posted by clockzero at 8:49 AM on September 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

This is why object permanence is an overrated cognitive ability.

It is remarkable how much fun you can have under the influence of substances that pretty well limit your awareness to whatever happens to be occupying your current field of vision.

I mean, so I've heard.
posted by brennen at 8:50 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

One of the finest moments of my life was finding out what my then-boyfriend's friends said about me once when I wasn't there, as reported to me by my friend. I still have it in my email, and I will post it for posterity:

Last night, when Ball Licker, Moose and I went to get beer, the first
thing BL said when we left the apartment was, "Jesus, that girl that
Newman has with him is SO WEIRD!" And I was like, "Laura? I know, she's
great." And BL said, "Yeah, like, I mean in a good way of course, but
she's so weird I don't know what to say to her sometimes. She's too funny
to keep up with." And Moose said, "Yeah, it's like her brain is working
at a higher level than anyone else in the room and no one's capable of
matching it."

I said, "Wow, she's gonna be really thrilled when I tell her you said
that." Then they laughed because they thought I was kidding about telling
you.

But here we are.

Seriously, any time I feel terrible at life, I remember this incident and feel like I am winning at something at least.
posted by millipede at 8:51 AM on September 22, 2015 [32 favorites]

I don't need to win, I just need to make a few people glad I showed up.

Works as both a social hope and a life philosophy.
posted by weston at 8:52 AM on September 22, 2015 [9 favorites]

"I've never been so glad to write a man a check in my life."
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:52 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh god something else to be anxious about. Great.

Oh wait, I have no friends and don't go out. It's all good.

(maryr, you'd be missed, I always enjoy your comments.)
posted by davros42 at 8:53 AM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

It's probably too much to ask for "That was fun, and he made a lot of sense." I'll settle for "Well, at least he didn't stay long..."
posted by evilDoug at 8:54 AM on September 22, 2015

"Huh. That was a great idea! Now I'm having an idea too, and it will help a lot of people!"
posted by amtho at 8:54 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

"I hope that huge piece of shit gets run over by a Mack truck on his way across the street" lol
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:54 AM on September 22, 2015

Never mind now I am sad again because I don't have wacky friends named Ball Licker and Moose.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:56 AM on September 22, 2015 [12 favorites]

"I'm totally not fixating on the weird phrasing he used on that odd comment he made, and am interpreting it in a completely sympathetic way."
posted by klarck at 8:57 AM on September 22, 2015 [12 favorites]

"I mean, sure -- good-looking, super-smart, and funny as hell. But that false modesty thing gets on your nerves, you know?"
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:58 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Hey, where's my wallet?
posted by jonmc at 8:59 AM on September 22, 2015 [11 favorites]

I would like to know how Ball Licker and Moose got their names.
posted by griphus at 9:00 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

What in the Hell was that?
posted by kinnakeet at 9:00 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Hey, where's my kidney?
posted by gwint at 9:00 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

HOPE: "Hey, he wasn't an annoying, know-it-all loudmouthed dipshit at all! I'm glad he was here."

FEAR: "Oh thank gawd that pompous ambulatory turd finally lumbered away."

REALITY: "Did you see that guy's hair? Jeezus."
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 9:04 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have no specific preference as to whether the comments are good or bad, as long as it gives me enough information to judge their intentions correctly, and I can then tell my henchmen "Our guests have overstayed their welcome. See that they do not leave the grounds and activate the weaponized Roomba squadron" with a clear conscience. It's not so much that mistaking well-mannered, interesting visitors for secret agents out to thwart my plans makes me look bad in the eyes of my lieutenants and henchmen, but the waste of all the effort that went into finding interesting and fun people to hang out with.
posted by chambers at 9:07 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

True story - when I was at a slumber party in high school, a friend got up to get a drink and said, "you can all say the nice things you say about me behind my back now" as she left the room. And we did. Then we took turns saying the nice things about each other we would say if the person was t in the room. It was very sweet but strange to think that we had to pretend that someone had left the room before we could say something nice about them.
posted by kat518 at 9:07 AM on September 22, 2015 [19 favorites]

"He seems to be able to match belts and shoes and his socks match as well. I would like to subscribe to his newsletter."
posted by MikeMc at 9:11 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

The most positive comment I can imagine being said when I leave the room is 'she's not quite as weird as you all said she was.'
posted by winna at 9:12 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

"She is the one person I know who is actually more level-headed on Facebook than in person."
posted by thebrokedown at 9:13 AM on September 22, 2015

"Welp, party's over."
posted by whuppy at 9:14 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just a note to say, hey, thanks for the nice things, guys! I feel like Ernie. I really wasn't fishing for compliments, but man, look at all these fish that just jumped in my boat! These are some nice fish! And a lobster, how 'bout that!

I'm already in a reasonably good mood today so now I'm a little giddy and not 100% sure I'm making sense, here fishy fishy fishy.
posted by maryr at 9:15 AM on September 22, 2015 [23 favorites]

We have a running joke in which we deliberately slag each other off just before we are out of earshot, i.e. "Ok, see you later! Thank Christ, I though he'd never leave... Oh, sorry, what's that? Yeah, see you then! Wanker..."

This has the added bonus of plausible deniability if you get caught genuinely slagging someone off.

In truth, most people are too busy worrying about what others think of them to actually think about other people.
posted by Acey at 9:16 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

"QUICKLY, QUICKLY! SALT THE GROUND WHERE HE STOOD! DOES ANYONE HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT NICKEL CROSSES? GET THEM! NOW!"
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:17 AM on September 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

"I think Symbioid is a pretty cool symbiote. Eh likes cats and doesn't afraid of toxoplasmosis."
posted by symbioid at 9:17 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

"Marry, fuck AND kill."
posted by romakimmy at 9:20 AM on September 22, 2015 [41 favorites]

My friend was just talking about the app Lulu which allowed female Facebook users to comment on male Facebook users. Which led to someone sharing a screenshot of what Lulu said about him.

Purely on the basis of this, I think I'm better off not knowing. I'm just going to sit here in my blissful bubble of ignorance.

(I think most likely people have very little to say about me at all. Which suits me just fine.)
posted by naju at 9:24 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

That really really depends on the speaker and the circumstances. I want people I like to think I'm trustworthy and reliable and think of me as generally competent.

As a default, though, "She disclosed precisely the right amount and type of information that I feel no need to come up with weird speculative fiction about her life."

For a select few, "I really wouldn't want to piss her off."
posted by ernielundquist at 9:27 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"you can all say the nice things you say about me behind my back now"

We actually did an exercise like this in a class in high school. It was a small class (one of those "gifted and talented" things, maybe a dozen people) and the teacher had us each write down one nice thing about every other person in the class. About a week later, he handed each of us a handwritten piece of paper that contained all the nice things everyone else had said about us.

I still have that paper. I used to carry it in my wallet until I accidentally went into the ocean with it, so now it lives in my desk.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:31 AM on September 22, 2015 [11 favorites]

"Who would have thought chubby and hirsute were part of my sexuality?"
posted by maxwelton at 9:35 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"How I hate him!"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:35 AM on September 22, 2015

"I think Symbioid is a pretty cool symbiote. Eh likes cats and doesn't afraid of toxoplasmosis."

"When Symbioid leaves, I feel like a part of me is missing."
posted by maryr at 9:38 AM on September 22, 2015 [8 favorites]

(I think most likely people have very little to say about me at all. Which suits me just fine.)

I sure hope this applies to me. I get very uncomfortable when people talk about me when I'm in the room, and honestly hope nobody bothers talking about me after I left. They should have much more important things to talk about. So I guess what I really hope they're all saying is, "Who?" and "I don't know either."
posted by dogwalker at 9:39 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Hey she's a cool person"

Nothing really bad and nothing really good. Just chill.

And in the near future, in some circumstances '...and we should hire her. She'd be fantabulous to work with!'
posted by Jalliah at 9:43 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

"The way he checked to see if his pants were zipped was so smooth that it was actually cooler than if he'd just zipped them ahead of time"
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:47 AM on September 22, 2015 [21 favorites]

"I loved him. He was much better than Cats. I'm going to see him again and again."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:49 AM on September 22, 2015 [11 favorites]

This is what solopsism is for.
posted by srboisvert at 9:50 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I was thinking about this more while I was having lunch and I realized that, while I super hope people think I'm smart and funny, what I REALLY hope people think is "I had a nice time being around her. I feel good about myself when she is around." I try so hard to be kind and I'm not sure it always works and I worry very much that things I say or do make people feel badly about themselves when they shouldn't. I just want to be a good person and instead I say dumb things without meaning to all the time and I just hope that being around me makes people happy.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:50 AM on September 22, 2015 [13 favorites]

Aspiration: "That guy's pretty cool. Things always seem to go a little better when he's around. He cares a lot about other people and his friends and family, but doesn't smother them or take advantage of them. He's competent and capable, but he's also modest and grounded. He holds himself to high ethical standards, but doesn't judge others for falling short of the ideals he holds for himself, and isn't close-minded or a prude. I would never dream of destroying him, taking advantage of his kindness, or abruptly cutting him out of my life."

Suspicion: "That self-righteous jerk thinks he's so great, let's destroy him and cut him out of our lives."

More Likely Reality: "Was somebody else here just now?"
posted by saulgoodman at 9:55 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

I don't want to know.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:01 AM on September 22, 2015

naju: "My friend was just talking about the app Lulu which allowed female Facebook users to comment on male Facebook users. Which led to someone sharing a screenshot of what Lulu said about him."

#GreatHair #FartMachine

that's fair
posted by mhum at 10:04 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

A dark gloom falls over them, as the beacon of light departs. What was once a joyful discussion full of hope and intellect has turned into a morose and depressed exchange of awkward glances; each pair of eyes desperately searching for an escape to chase after that which had brought them such happiness. Slowly they finish their drinks to provide excuses for refills or visits to the washroom, and at once each scurry to find the light. Only upon the stark realization that he has truly left that they sank to their knees in silent sobs, clutching at their empty cups, as empty as their souls.

In reality, it's probably something like "does he seem kind of depressed now that he doesn't drink so much?"
posted by numaner at 10:08 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

In truth, most people are too busy worrying about what others think of them to actually think about other people.

That does bring up the corollary to this discussion -- what we say about other people when they leave.

And how often it's something we wouldn't say to their face.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:10 AM on September 22, 2015

"Well, he's not a stand-out example of the Dunning-Kruger effect after all."
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:14 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

"QUICKLY, QUICKLY! SALT THE GROUND WHERE HE STOOD! DOES ANYONE HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT NICKEL CROSSES? GET THEM! NOW!"

Best I can do is a bag of rock salt in my trunk that I never bothered to take out after last winter, about $8 or so in nickels, and a couple early 80s Tangerine Dream albums. Will that work?
posted by chambers at 10:19 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

Ugh, I'm so sure 98% of the time if people are saying anything it's "What the hell do you think she meant by that? What a weird thing to say."

I'M REALLY BAD AT SOCIALIZING IN PERSON OK
posted by town of cats at 10:21 AM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

That does bring up the corollary to this discussion -- what we say about other people when they leave.

I usually say "Man, I hope that guy/gal thought I was cool!"
posted by numaner at 10:22 AM on September 22, 2015

"she sure does have a lot of weird crushes on cartoon characters"

then again this is pretty obvious given the most cursory glance at my tumblr and the fact that I very well may talk about my weird crushes on cartoon characters before I leave the room and most of them are horrible and/or entirely unappealing so I'm not leaving conversation partners with many colorful alternatives
posted by nogoodverybad at 10:30 AM on September 22, 2015

"Well, I can safely say that I don't care to belong to any club that has him as a member"

(with apologies to Groucho Marx)
posted by blucevalo at 10:32 AM on September 22, 2015

"He understood what I was trying to do and reframed it for me. He didn't specifically tell me to do anything but I now have a lot of related ideas about how to proceed. Now I want to tell him everything...and kiss him"
posted by Kwine at 10:33 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

Fantasy: "What a stylish and witty gent!"
Reality: "Was there someone sitting here? Where'd that glass come from?"
posted by desjardins at 10:35 AM on September 22, 2015

the social anxiety in this thread is strong. gather around my people, we are safe here
posted by nogoodverybad at 10:35 AM on September 22, 2015 [16 favorites]

This is...a really good question.

I just realized that I don't have the faintest idea what people say when I leave, except one time I was close enough to hear "Huh, I've known [Mogur] for years. I've never heard him raise his voice before." It was in an approving tone, though, so I think they were happy that I'd raised my voice, but only the once.

I think.
posted by Mogur at 10:50 AM on September 22, 2015

I honestly can't even think of anything too profound that I want people to think about me. Obviously I do hope people don't hate me, and it would be nice if they found me interesting or decided to call me so we could go for drinks (or contribute to a cause I'm promoting) but I can't really come up with a specific impression I want to leave. Unless it's a job interview, in which case I want to blow their socks off so they'll throw money at me.

I also assume everyone else's internal monologue is as incredibly self-fixated as mine, and so they're either worried about what I think or about whether everyone thinks those pants make them look like a weirdo whose mother dresses them funny.

Gossip is kind of a different thing. My life is not very scandalous so it's pretty boring gossip-fodder. And people inclined to hate on me or the husband for being insufficiently cool or attractive to them, well who gives a fuck really.
posted by emjaybee at 10:50 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

the social anxiety in this thread is strong. gather around my people, we are safe here
posted by nogoodverybad at 12:35 PM

Yeah - Like I'm gonna trust that invitation!
posted by symbioid at 10:51 AM on September 22, 2015 [6 favorites]

I secretly hope folks revert to old-timey slang after I leave:
"Gee whiz, what a swell dame! That gal's jake by me!"
posted by Diagonalize at 10:58 AM on September 22, 2015 [10 favorites]

in the Age of Snark, who knows what will be said. Here's a thought: Say something kind. There's the slimmest, but real, chance that it will be catching.
posted by theora55 at 11:01 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

The best thing ever said about me after I'd left a room was by my best friend, trying to explain me to a group of men: [culfinglin]? She's more woman than you can handle, and more man than you'll ever be.
posted by culfinglin at 11:10 AM on September 22, 2015 [14 favorites]

what do you want people to say about you after you’ve left the room?

When's Thorzdad going to get here?
posted by Thorzdad at 11:23 AM on September 22, 2015

Some dink in high school asked my best friend about me, "Is it true that she's really a man inside?". Which I found hilarious, for many reasons, not the least of which being that my internalized misogyny made being a man sound pretty good. Now that I'm a better feminist... I still think it's pretty hilarious, as insults go.

But I'm also glad to know that there are others who are hoping to come off as kind, nice, and fun.
posted by ldthomps at 11:28 AM on September 22, 2015

This is why I always instruct the band to play my exit theme real loud.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:39 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

"Have you ever seen someone blink so much? Jesus."
posted by psoas at 11:43 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I rarely comment when other people leave the room, unless its with relief because they're awful. So, I hope no-one says anything when I leave.

If I really had to pick I guess I would go with "she's funny". Christ, how shallow.
posted by Joh at 11:49 AM on September 22, 2015

"For a man of his size he was exceptionally nimble."
posted by GrapeApiary at 12:53 PM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Guys! Griphus brought a really entertaining FPP today, right? So generous. We should definitely invite Griphus next time.
posted by TangoCharlie at 12:58 PM on September 22, 2015 [12 favorites]

The one I often hear [about] is "He's much less of an asshole than I thought" or "He's actually really nice."

I'm not sure if that's good.

I also have an embarrassing Lulu story but not sure if it's apropos
posted by a halcyon day at 1:38 PM on September 22, 2015

"Wow, she really CAN recommend a restaurant or bar in Washington, DC or the Northern Virginia suburbs for any situation, no matter how oddly specific! Also her hair/makeup/clothing make her look like a normal adult human. And she's good at active listening."

One time, 10 years ago, thanks to a friend who was willing to be brutally honest, I actually found out what people were saying. I always got this sense that the other theater techs in high school didn't like me, but after months of assuming they all thought I was weird/immature/annoying/generally the worst, it turned out they were actually just saying "she isn't very good at lifting large props and probably shouldn't be on stage crew again".
posted by capricorn at 2:01 PM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

"She seems dangerous, but in a good way."

(Switching out the third word as each new anxiety pops up.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:09 PM on September 22, 2015

Apparently: "Well we definitely can't hire THAT guy, jeeze. Do we still have the number for that sex criminal who wanted to sell us some meth during the interview? He seemed like a go-getter."
posted by sandswipe at 6:37 PM on September 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

I usually say "Oh my gosh, I love [person]" whenever anyone leaves! Occasionally I'll say "it's always nice to see [person]" or "man, I hope things get a bit better for [person], I really like [him/her/them]"
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9

That's lovely though, honestly. Next time I see you in a thread, after I close the tab, I'm probably gonna think 'hey, that was a nice contribution by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9.' Or probably just 'detective squad'. Either way, lovely.
posted by nogoodverybad at 10:23 PM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nothing at all!

Because that means they're okay with the random humming and swaying I do when I'm excited and people that aren't my close friends or coworkers.
posted by halifix at 9:53 AM on September 23, 2015

"She seems like the kind of woman who would get an abortion."

True story.
posted by waving at 10:24 AM on September 23, 2015

"She seems like the kind of woman who would get an abortion.

Wow. I have never heard somebody say that about a woman, who says that out loud?
posted by MikeMc at 10:42 AM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh, and things I hope people don't say after I leave a room?

"Did you notice his fly was down the whole time?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm going to be kind and say he's probably a grower."
posted by MikeMc at 10:44 AM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

who says that out loud?

Someone who admires women determined to control their own bodies?
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:12 PM on September 23, 2015

(Possibly not the same someone who was talking about waving. Sigh.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:16 PM on September 23, 2015

"I'd hit that."
posted by LizBoBiz at 2:03 PM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Should we put the mic back on the stand or just leave it buzzing there or what?"
posted by Chitownfats at 6:22 PM on September 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'd prefer to think that I just didn't come up again in conversation after leaving.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:14 PM on September 23, 2015