"Women like me are very lucky and exceedingly rare."
September 30, 2015 8:44 AM   Subscribe

"I've collected the suffering that men so recklessly visited on myself and other women and fashioned it into a livelihood. It is not a fortune but it is a tasteful empire of pain. I might be unlovable but I am not unsellable. I know some women who drink from mugs labeled 'Male Tears.' That's what I've labeled my checking account." Alana Massey for Medium: The Monetized Man.
posted by divined by radio (58 comments total) 117 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oh, beautiful: "They mistake the discomfort of being confronted with their own violence for the suffering of being on the receiving end of it. "
posted by Don Pepino at 9:05 AM on September 30, 2015 [72 favorites]


"...too often these stories are not about women living in the abundance of a shared world. They are about surviving in the brutality of a world held hostage by men whose interior fragility is conveniently offset by material might. In these stories, the faces and futures of women are obscured by the uninvited specters of these men, their feelings swelling to overwhelm places that contain room enough for us all."

I actually shivered when I read this part! Thank you so much for posting, divined by radio.

Interior fragility offset by material might. DAMN.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:20 AM on September 30, 2015 [21 favorites]


I'm totally chill...

I really like her voice and what she's saying. Must read more.
posted by Mental Wimp at 9:25 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


she's great. Thanks for posting!
posted by Annika Cicada at 9:29 AM on September 30, 2015


I just finished reading Clothes..., Music..., Boys... by Viv Albertine, which aside from being a pretty good chronicle of the British punk years also goes into painful detail about a series of dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships she's had with men over the years. There's a terrifying recounting of the time she was attacked and choked by a boyfriend when she attempted to leave his house (like, for good), and as I read it I just could not put myself into either mindset; a) of a man who would wrap his hands around the neck of a woman because she dared to defy his will, and b) of women in general, who have to perform this mental calculus during virtually every encounter they have with a man; could he harm me? Will he harm me? What the fuck is wrong with these men?

Then there was the garden-variety misogyny, men telling her she's ugly or fat in an attempt to control her, men she worked with asking for - and expecting - a blowjob, men trying to get her fired because she didn't agree with them, etc., etc., etc.. Sometimes it seems a wonder women will have anything to do with us.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:37 AM on September 30, 2015 [12 favorites]


Wow.
posted by matildaben at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2015


"...a garbage virtue that will destroy the species"? That's totally metal.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 9:40 AM on September 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


the world is awash in the madness and terror of men crying out injustice at not inheriting the world in its entirety
Damn, she's an excellent writer.
posted by straight at 10:18 AM on September 30, 2015 [14 favorites]


Just an amazing article. Thank you for sharing.
posted by xingcat at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2015


He made me feel safe not because he was gentle but because I knew he was capable of violence and cruelty that I was confident he would never direct at me.
posted by SockMarionette at 10:26 AM on September 30, 2015 [11 favorites]


"Many women recognize these depictions not as caricatures concocted by a bitter harpy but as the frightful inevitability of men too often raised to believe that their birthright would be exclusive ownership of truth and virtue. When they are informed by exasperated women that they hold no monopoly on the former nor do they particularly embody the latter, they declare themselves the victims of women’s hatred. They mistake the discomfort of being confronted with their own violence for the suffering of being on the receiving end of it."

So true.
posted by melissasaurus at 10:29 AM on September 30, 2015 [13 favorites]


"the moral bankruptcy more generally of men who seek women for their brokenness but punish them when they break"

I have needed a way to describe this for a very long time. Thank you.
posted by skrozidile at 10:50 AM on September 30, 2015 [28 favorites]


Awesome article...

...and an amazingly typical mansplanation in the comments:

While it is admirable that you are able to endure all that crap and then remain sane enough to make money by writing about it, on the whole it seems you would be happier spending time with men who are not jerks. I am not like that and 90% of the men I know are not like that. (I am not available; my point is about the population, not me as an individual.) The process you use to find them is giving you worse than a random pick, so you are doing it wrong somehow. How do you pick candidate boyfriends?

I haven’t read much of your writing, but in this article you report working as a stripper and occasional prostitute, and if I kept the identities straight I think you posted a good looking bikini pic of yourself around here somewhere. So you want to ignore the men you meet through sex-related work and somehow use the coherent thought present in your writing and the good looks to find a man who shows symptoms of emotional stability. I have repeatedly observed that high competence at some ordinary useful profession somehow correlates with emotional stability. There are surely other things to look for too, but it is premature to solve that problem. Of the causes you control, the root cause of you hanging out with jerks is your existing process that somehow selects them.


Like is that even real? Good god: "I have repeatedly observed that high competence at some ordinary useful profession somehow correlates with emotional stability."
posted by Huck500 at 11:00 AM on September 30, 2015 [29 favorites]


punish them to make sure they stay broken, more like.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 11:02 AM on September 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


This woman is a superb writer. There is a quality to this that I find hard to describe. Alacrity, maybe? It's dense without feeling laborious, pedantic or showy. It's expressive and funny but still seems to retain both gravity and economy when making a point. I was amazed by how fast those 3000 words whipped by.

I will be looking forward to reading more of her.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:19 AM on September 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


I have repeatedly observed that high competence at some ordinary useful profession somehow correlates with emotional stability.

How does this guy think that he would even be aware of the behaviors Massey is talking about? A lot of this stuff is not things that a man will do to some random male acquaintance of his. What a bizarre comment.

On-topic: I've never read any of Alana Massey's writing before, but here she displays an incredible ability to craft perfectly clear and concise sentences that contain paragraphs and paragraphs of meaning. What a fantastic essay.
posted by IAmUnaware at 11:22 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


so you are doing it wrong somehow

Wow, that comment really is a canonically perfect example of mansplaining! Really sums the whole thing up: since they have no idea what they're talking about, they don't know enough to know exactly what she's doing wrong - only enough to know that whatever it is, it must somehow be her fault.

Anyway, I positively adored this piece! She had me at the first paragraph: "I write about how the unrestrained, unaccountable emotional lives of men wreak havoc on women" is some of the most perfect and accurate framing I've ever seen. Thank you for posting!
posted by dialetheia at 11:28 AM on September 30, 2015 [11 favorites]


I love the comments. Please, do rock up and tell me about how this isn't you, or not you and not your friends, or could have been you but you are special in your snowflakiness, or was you but now isn't you, or how your personal lived experiences are more valid and instructive than the author's lived experiences which are naturally her fault anyway.

They're like Pokemon -- did I catch them all?
posted by DarlingBri at 11:31 AM on September 30, 2015 [7 favorites]


I am not like that and 90% of the men I know are not like that.

What men perceive as an impassable canyon between "nice guy" and "violent abuser" is in actuality a hairline divide more narrow than a playing card, and just as easy to move back and forth between.
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:39 AM on September 30, 2015 [45 favorites]


I have a hard time knowing what to comment, because she said so much so perfectly that it's just unnecessary.

I think of myself as a competent writer, and I should feel jealous to read someone so much more skilled, but instead I just feel admiration and joy and a desire to read a lot more of her writing. Thank you for posting this, divined by radio.
posted by emjaybee at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


Lots of excellent trolling going on all over that page.
posted by tecg at 11:50 AM on September 30, 2015


I'm just generally tickled by the host of reminders that for as often as they love to accuse women qua women of being irrationally angry, unreasonable, hyperreactive, and even hysterical, aggrieved men have clearly and repeatedly shown themselves to be a class of people singularly unable to maintain control over their emotions.

I also dearly love the comments, much in the same way that I love any other written equivalent of a trilby soaked in tears of impotent dudely rage, and can only hope that Alana Massey has performed at least one full-throated dramatic reading of them from atop a Scrooge McDuck-like pile of gold coins.
posted by divined by radio at 11:57 AM on September 30, 2015 [34 favorites]


This is the kind of post that you want to share on social media, but your finger never hits "post" because you know in your heart of hearts that someone you know is going to get mad and make very sure that you know it.
posted by Ashen at 11:59 AM on September 30, 2015 [11 favorites]


Like I'm sitting here thinking "nearly every woman, every trans* person in my social media network would enjoy this."

And my finger still won't hit post

Because if you're not a straight white cis man (or close enough) the asking price for existing in this culture (relatively) unscathed is your silence
posted by Ashen at 12:04 PM on September 30, 2015 [27 favorites]


This article hit me like a brick. Good stuff.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:10 PM on September 30, 2015


And my finger still won't hit post

Same. I keep weighing the cost/benefit analysis and coming up with the same answer: it's not worth sharing this piece with my social media circle, because there will be at least one man* who needs to tear it apart while pretending that really he's just "helping" me "understand" that the author shares the same problem that all women share. See, we just don't know our own minds, don't understand the world around us, and can't be relied upon to correctly interpret the events we live through because of our emotions or whatever.

*there seems to be a team of them, actually. any number of roughly 4-6 men in my acquaintance seem to take it in turns.
posted by palomar at 12:22 PM on September 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


This woman is a superb writer. There is a quality to this that I find hard to describe. Alacrity, maybe? It's dense without feeling laborious, pedantic or showy. It's expressive and funny but still seems to retain both gravity and economy when making a point. I was amazed by how fast those 3000 words whipped by.

I will be looking forward to reading more of her.


Yes, all of this. So great.
posted by Kwine at 12:30 PM on September 30, 2015


Oh yeah, this is great. I love her voice. I shared it, but I'm a white dude, so I'm sure no one will notice or argue. My eyes continue to be opened and I am happy for it. I should thank all the people who have patiently explained this shit to me.
posted by Richat at 12:34 PM on September 30, 2015 [7 favorites]


I'm just generally tickled by the host of reminders that for as often as they love to accuse women qua women of being irrationally angry, unreasonable, hyperreactive, and even hysterical, aggrieved men have clearly and repeatedly shown themselves to be a class of people singularly unable to maintain control over their emotions.

It's like all the supposedly-macho characters (going back at least to Achilles) who sulk or throw tantrums when they don't get their way, or their honor is offended, or they have to adhere to the law or the rules, or someone expects them to do their share of what they see as women's work, and we're supposed to admire them as strong and independent rather than scorn them for being childish and selfish.
posted by straight at 1:06 PM on September 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


I shared it on my social media; I know it's an example of my privilege that I can do so without expected the sort of blowback women get, but I reckon I might as well make use of that.

I don't have a response to it, but am trying to do my part to amplify messages like this, from women and for women, but the sorts of things that men should hear.
posted by maxsparber at 1:06 PM on September 30, 2015 [13 favorites]


I wrote about men I knew in these spaces as nameless, almost featureless, composite characters yet they were identifiable to scores of women who had encountered the same reckless, blinding emotions in other men. Their behaviors managed to be both truly harmful and profoundly dull.
"Both truly harmful and profoundly dull" is such a fantastic description of toxic masculinity.
posted by ndfine at 1:21 PM on September 30, 2015 [10 favorites]


I shared it, but it will never get as many likes as that one cute picture of my kid. Oh well.
posted by emjaybee at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2015


This has me bawling at my desk. Yesterday I suggested that the (male) organizer of a non-sexually oriented get-together that I am very interested in seeing succeed might thank about rewording the event posting to leave out the phrase "lots of flirtatious talk" so "people" (because I was too chicken-shit to say "women") might feel more welcome.

I've spent the last two days deflecting messages and comments from men in the group telling me I'm "trolling," should "stay home because that kind of attitude isn't wanted here," that others who agreed with me were friends-as-plants, that I'm just plain wrong, and so on.

I RTFA and I just... I can't. Words won't even come to me.

Thanks for posting this, divined by radio. It helped in some weird way I'm still to upset (about the last two days) to put my finger on.
posted by _Mona_ at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2015 [14 favorites]


"I am not like that and 90% of the men I know are not like that."

Because 10 abusers out of this guy's 100 male friends is … acceptable?
posted by iamkimiam at 2:07 PM on September 30, 2015 [21 favorites]


Read this earlier today and I'm still reeling from it. Powerful. Thanks for posting it.
posted by immlass at 2:11 PM on September 30, 2015


...and an amazingly typical mansplanation in the comments:

Actually, I think it's even worse than that. I don't think he did more than skim the article.
posted by habeebtc at 2:25 PM on September 30, 2015


Her conciseness is beautiful, and reminds me of my own writing style, which for some reason, I have tucked away along with my voice. Seeing writers like her helps latent writers like me go forward. Her violent ex is my violent ex. Thanks for sharing <3
posted by yueliang at 2:43 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Amazing. Thanks for sharing.
posted by Ragini at 2:56 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


We'll know things are REALLY getting better if/when there is an overwhelming rush of writers like her... and that things have REALLY GOTTEN BETTER if/when it subsides.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:17 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


This article is amazing and I gasped aloud at least once while reading it, but that illustration, oh my GOD.
posted by a hat out of hell at 3:19 PM on September 30, 2015


Massey: 10 Sentences I Wrote That Remind Me I Can Write Sentences

She also wrote something you might recall: The Dickonomics of Tinder
posted by the man of twists and turns at 3:49 PM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


I've liked her and have been following her since this post about her diet/exercise and the pressure to pretend she doesn't do anything to stay slim.

That was a great article but her writing has come a really, really long way here since just a little over a year ago. I'm not surprised since from her Twitter it seems like she writes all. the. time and works super hard but still, I'm a fan and really psyched she's got a book deal.
posted by zutalors! at 4:56 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


I love this! Will be looking for mor of her. Thanks Divined by Radio!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 5:16 PM on September 30, 2015


"Enraptured by the very fact of their own beating hearts, these men’s sprawling existences overwhelm what might have been home to women’s unencumbered declarations of what being in the world is to them."

She has a way with naming things that have been too long unnamed.
posted by Deoridhe at 5:18 PM on September 30, 2015


This is just breathtakingly excellent.
posted by AdamCSnider at 5:48 PM on September 30, 2015


The book sold for a generous sum that ushered me directly through more than one tax bracket, most notably his.

This is fantastic.
posted by bendy at 7:01 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


She also wrote something you might recall: The Dickonomics of Tinder

Oh, that was her? This was a great piece also. I'm glad that her writing is getting attention and that she has a book contract -- I am looking forward to seeing more from her.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:27 PM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is a fantastic article. Thanks for posting.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:56 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Speaking of her other works, I just read Against Chill and yes yes yes. All the men with "drama free" and "easy-going" in their profiles pretending they are laid-back when, really, they are just advertising that they will not take any accountability for their actions and their emotions. That's supposed to be your job! You're only drama free if you don't call them on their bullshit.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 7:57 PM on September 30, 2015 [21 favorites]


Great pull-quotes above and agreed on how well she puts words to so many of the patterns I've observed.

This also made me gasp with recognition:
I marveled at how long my secrets had sat idly in his arsenal of intimate details before emerging as the weapons of war. I retraced my steps in search of some sign that his purpose in listening to me so intently had been to collect valuable intel to manipulate later but found no trace of his present malice.

I lived this. Toxic ex casually weaponized one of my biggest vulnerabilities and put every prior deep and intimate conversation into perspective. I'd thought those were about understanding, he made it clear they were about control. I chose Ctrl-D.
posted by pibkac at 8:46 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm the writer of the originally posted article and happened upon this thread because it was leading a lot of traffic to my website. I braced myself to be shredded apart because that is usually what happens when I find a forum about my work but instead I found really kind and encouraging words about this and other stories. I can't even begin to express what a rare and wonderful thing it is to find this kind of positivity and I am really grateful to find it here since the comments on the pieces are generally overrun by people who want me to feel less than adequate. Thank you for sharing it and for your warm words.
posted by AlanaMassey at 7:16 AM on October 12, 2015 [49 favorites]


AlanaMassey, so glad to have you here! This piece was incredible, and when someone pointed out that you were also the author of "You're Right, I Didn't Eat That", I thought, 'this person is voicing things that urgently need to be said. I hope she writes more and more and more.'

There is a concept that came out of Metafilter’s epic Emotional Labor thread— the concept that a not insignificant number of men want women to be bonsai humans. Carefully trimmed and tended and made small and manageable, decorative, a conversation piece. Not messy. Not real people.

Your writing gets at that concept so incisively. Almost every line you right has me thinking “yes, yes, EXACTLY.” Thank you so much for being so brave to speak the truth to such frequently hostile audiences. And I hope your male tears money keeps rolling on in.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:10 AM on October 12, 2015 [10 favorites]


I really enjoyed the piece and ended up reading a bunch of your other linked articles - thank you so much for a job so well-done!
posted by bookdragoness at 8:19 AM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


AlanaMassey, count me in as a big fan of both your writing style as well as its content. Just really excellent in all ways. You're one of a handful of women writers who is so eloquently putting words to things that I often think but am unable to express, thank you.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:35 AM on October 12, 2015


I can't even begin to express what a rare and wonderful thing it is to find this kind of positivity and I am really grateful to find it here since the comments on the pieces are generally overrun by people who want me to feel less than adequate.

It was a superb piece, and that should be celebrated on the web, instead of creating another target for the increasingly psychopathic narcissism of men. I'm glad that, at least, MetaFilter has a lot less of that, and more room for celebration.
posted by maxsparber at 10:30 AM on October 12, 2015 [4 favorites]


Glad to see you here, AlanaMassey. Yours is a truly needed voice, and I really admire your way with words! Impressive. Enlightening.
posted by Deoridhe at 4:50 PM on October 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


"You're right; I didn't eat that" FPP
posted by halifix at 7:31 AM on October 15, 2015


"you're right, I didn't eat that" is a great amazing thing and the FPP comments are much more mixed than the huge praise here, which blew my mind because I think the piece is just so honest, but people bristle on food/diet topics.
posted by zutalors! at 7:43 AM on October 15, 2015


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