Three Months Without Breathing
September 30, 2015 5:35 PM   Subscribe

I had trouble saying more than a few words at a time, my voice croaking and words slurred or over-pronounced. I stuttered and gasped. I started leaving out words that weren’t essential, breaking my sentences down into telegrams, paid by the word or even the letter. Big words were a thing of the past. Or, as I would have said it then: Big. Words. Gone.
posted by orchidfox (11 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
Man, I was sure this was going to be the same rare auto-immune disorder suffered by Sarah Manguso, chronicles in her book The Two Kinds of Decay.
posted by janey47 at 6:02 PM on September 30, 2015


I was going for "turns out all it was was a pea stuck in your air pipe..."

That was scary and insightful. And despite the fact I do most of the cleaning and shopping, makes me realise I should do more and not assume that my partner's discussions are "chatter".
posted by greenhornet at 6:55 PM on September 30, 2015


When I keep the peace for too long, and speak only the softest and kindest of things, my throat aches. It's like when I'm clamping back on tears, and there's this burn and ache. Last year, for months, I had a sore throat - sure my thyroid was all out of whack, and I got sick, but it was only when I stopped keeping the peace that the ache let up.

I can feel it starting up again sometimes. When the whole peace of my world rests on me being quiet, rather than me being treated well, it's like I start to cannibalise myself.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:07 PM on September 30, 2015 [14 favorites]


Being forgotten, voiceless and immobile in a hospital - that's a version of hell I'll not soon forget.

I have a lot of feelings about this piece. Most I will not parse in public, am still processing anyway, but thanks for posting this here.
posted by Vigilant at 9:44 PM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


As someone who's been experiencing nothing like she has, but rather some kind of bizarre, possibly autoimmune rash all over her body for almost two months, plus some kind of tingling orthopedic issue in my left arm and hand for almost as long, after more than a year of major stress while taking care of everything and everyone but myself...I feel her on this. I want better for all of us women who end up in situations like this.
posted by limeonaire at 10:26 PM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Women are socialized to swallow pain with a smile.

Yet they generally go to the doctor more readily than men. Isn't it big boys who by tradition aren't supposed to cry?
posted by Segundus at 6:26 AM on October 1, 2015


I'm feeling smug because as soon as she said her voice came out "strangled" when she was able to speak, I thought, "Sounds like it's her vocal chords." I recently finished a post-baccalaureate program in speech language pathology. Guess I learned a thing or two.

Other than that, I didn't care for it much. I thought the effort to make her disorder a metaphor for being a woman was a bit tiresome.
posted by not that girl at 6:39 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


That was an excellent essay; thanks for posting it.
posted by languagehat at 7:11 AM on October 1, 2015


This bit hit home:

Like many women, many mothers in particular, I’d had the fantasy of a mysterious ailment that would send me on a hospital vacation. I’d get sick, but not sick enough to die, just sick enough to have to rest and have someone else do it all for me. I’d get a few weeks in a bed somewhere where other people brought me my meals and no one needed me.

After my illness, it struck me: why did my fantasy of relaxation still require me to suffer? If I was daydreaming, why not make it a solo vacation I’d take after winning the lottery or something? Why did I need an excuse, even in my own imagination, for wanting some time alone, some time not serving others?


Why indeed? Perhaps because the only way for women to get other people to take care of them, and to feel that they are allowed to let go of caring for others, is to be so sick that anything else is impossible.
posted by emjaybee at 9:19 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]


Very interesting topic. Decent writing. Bad metaphor.
posted by -1 at 9:19 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


Wow, my vocal cords do this when I am very upset. Sometimes my throat aches for hours after. Interesting to know there's a name for it.
posted by elizilla at 4:35 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


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