THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPRAY A STRANGE BEAR IN THE FACE, MARY!
October 1, 2015 10:29 AM Subscribe
Mary Maley records her recent encounter with a bear in Berg Bay, Alaska. Despite her cajoling and her persistent attempts to reason with it, the bear insists on destroying Mary's kayak, even after she has pointed out that the kayak is made of plastic, does not taste good, and offers no nutritional value. The bear ignores Mary's repeated requests to explain its actions and throughout the incident Mary fails to connect the bear's actions to the stimulus that immediately preceded it. Bears everywhere know exactly why this bear is destroying Mary's kayak.
According to Alaska Dispatch News, Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat to make it back to civilization and get the kayak repaired.
Of course it could have been worse. Bears also do not appreciate annoying pilots interrupting the calm of their wilderness homes.
According to Alaska Dispatch News, Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat to make it back to civilization and get the kayak repaired.
Of course it could have been worse. Bears also do not appreciate annoying pilots interrupting the calm of their wilderness homes.
You must never listen to this...I think you- you should not keep it. You should destroy it.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:33 AM on October 1, 2015 [95 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:33 AM on October 1, 2015 [95 favorites]
"Come here!"
Words you're not likely to hear me say to a bear in the woods.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:35 AM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
Words you're not likely to hear me say to a bear in the woods.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:35 AM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
Every bear knows Kayaks are roughage and roughage is important if you want a good solid bowel movement before you hibernate. If you can't firm up your stools then you have to find a naive rabbit.
posted by srboisvert at 10:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 10:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
I hope someone uses the pepper spraying as inspiration for the FPS game: Bear! Please Stop!
posted by Think_Long at 10:39 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 10:39 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
That there is a very polite Canadian, if I ever saw one.
posted by alex_skazat at 10:39 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by alex_skazat at 10:39 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Are you joking? His table manners are execrable!
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:41 AM on October 1, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:41 AM on October 1, 2015 [22 favorites]
A friend and I were hiking just a few days ago and wound up between a mama and her two cubs, never a good place to be. My friend, who's 6'5", got up on a nearby stump to look bigger and started barking like a dog. The bear, after herding her cubs up a tree, turned around and started immitating him. So there they were, about a hundred feet apart, barking like dogs at one another. I was embarrassed for both of them.
posted by mannequito at 10:42 AM on October 1, 2015 [188 favorites]
posted by mannequito at 10:42 AM on October 1, 2015 [188 favorites]
The bear learned what I did early on: enough capsaicin will make anything palatable.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:42 AM on October 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:42 AM on October 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
I enjoy the recent Tumblr trend to call bears "dog people"
posted by The Whelk at 10:43 AM on October 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:43 AM on October 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
"He's got my floatie!"
posted by valkane at 10:45 AM on October 1, 2015 [29 favorites]
posted by valkane at 10:45 AM on October 1, 2015 [29 favorites]
BEAR WHAT ARE YOU DOING. THAT KAYAK IS NOT FOOD. YOU ARE A BEAR
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel bad for the lady, but I lost it at "Gosh darnit!". I mean, lady, there's a bear eating your kayak, potentially leaving you without a way to get home in Alaska in some very cold weather.
You can use curse words, it's okay!
posted by KirTakat at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
You can use curse words, it's okay!
posted by KirTakat at 10:46 AM on October 1, 2015 [27 favorites]
I feel bad for the lady, but I lost it at "Gosh darnit!". I mean, lady, there's a bear eating your kayak, potentially leaving you without a way to get home in Alaska in some very cold weather.
You can use curse words, it's okay!
I found that fairly amusing, because you can hear her go from yelling to try to frighten the bear away to actually breaking down and getting genuinely upset and then that culminates in...an especially harmless minced oath.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:49 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
You can use curse words, it's okay!
I found that fairly amusing, because you can hear her go from yelling to try to frighten the bear away to actually breaking down and getting genuinely upset and then that culminates in...an especially harmless minced oath.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:49 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
That poor woman.
I'm guessing she had some smelly food in the boat or perhaps the whole thing just smelled like a big salmon.
I kind of admire her. It felt like she knew she wasn't in too much danger and she kept her distance. She just sounded very frustrated and helpless, being able to do absolutely nothing while a bear tears apart her shit.
It bugs me to know that the internet is gonna be all "LOL LETS MAKE FUN OF THIS PERSON!" even though most of the people who will watch this video and laugh would have shit their pants were they in this woman's shoes.
posted by bondcliff at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [26 favorites]
I'm guessing she had some smelly food in the boat or perhaps the whole thing just smelled like a big salmon.
I kind of admire her. It felt like she knew she wasn't in too much danger and she kept her distance. She just sounded very frustrated and helpless, being able to do absolutely nothing while a bear tears apart her shit.
It bugs me to know that the internet is gonna be all "LOL LETS MAKE FUN OF THIS PERSON!" even though most of the people who will watch this video and laugh would have shit their pants were they in this woman's shoes.
posted by bondcliff at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [26 favorites]
Up close and personal with a HUGE brown bear under a guys back deck! (Apparently, it's actually a black bear, which accounts for this guy's still being alive.)
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Bears go crazy in early fall. They do crazy shit like go crashing through skylights to eat birthday cupcakes and they stop being afraid of pretty much everything. Ugh. Between the constant rain, the skies getting dark so early, and the damned bears, fall in Southeast Alaska can kind of suck.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Foam Pants at 10:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also, I have to assume she had some food in her kayak, and that's what the bear is trying to get at. They've been known to tear into cars to get at food.
posted by KirTakat at 10:51 AM on October 1, 2015
posted by KirTakat at 10:51 AM on October 1, 2015
Gah, it wasn't me! Stop yelling!
posted by maryr at 10:53 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by maryr at 10:53 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm glad at least that she didn't accidentally pepper spray into the wind and douse herself.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:54 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:54 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
well i am only 1.5 minutes in so WHO KNOWS WHAT LIES IN STORE really
posted by poffin boffin at 10:55 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:55 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
That sucks, but be glad it was a black bear. How to tell the difference between black and grizzly bears.
posted by lalochezia at 10:56 AM on October 1, 2015 [41 favorites]
posted by lalochezia at 10:56 AM on October 1, 2015 [41 favorites]
Bears go crazy in early fall. They do crazy shit like go crashing through skylights to eat birthday cupcakes and they stop being afraid of pretty much everything.
Pix or it didn't happen.
posted by maryr at 10:58 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Pix or it didn't happen.
posted by maryr at 10:58 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
How to tell the difference between black and grizzly bears.
That sign is a thing of beauty!
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
That sign is a thing of beauty!
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
Up close and personal with a HUGE brown bear under a guys back deck! (
I just about jumped from my chair even single time it feigned a charge. I can't believe how calm that guy is.
posted by smidgen at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I just about jumped from my chair even single time it feigned a charge. I can't believe how calm that guy is.
posted by smidgen at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
It just goes to show, you can't eat your kayak and have it too.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015 [36 favorites]
Clearly the problem is it doesn't know its name was "Bear."
posted by gottabefunky at 11:02 AM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by gottabefunky at 11:02 AM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
Deer ate our arbor vitae despite our being told deer wouldn't eat arbor vitae. Now bears are eating kayaks.
I didn't look but I'm willing to bet that bears are supposed to eat kayaks.
posted by tommasz at 11:04 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I didn't look but I'm willing to bet that bears are supposed to eat kayaks.
posted by tommasz at 11:04 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
That was about the longest 2'30" I've spent in front of a screen yet -- and I'll be hearing her voice until mid-afternoon at least.
It was damned smart of her to pack the spray though, because that bear clearly decided to fill up on breadsticks when the entree turned out to be too spicy.
posted by jamjam at 11:05 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
It was damned smart of her to pack the spray though, because that bear clearly decided to fill up on breadsticks when the entree turned out to be too spicy.
posted by jamjam at 11:05 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seriously though, taking to a bear - calmly - is good advice in a face-to-face confrontation.
"Hey bear, hello there, just us here, no need to get all worked up. We're going to just stand closer together here and hold out our arms so we look bigger and back up slowly and definitely not turn and run."
That's assuming there aren't any cubs around, and/or the bear isn't one that simply does not give a fuck.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Hey bear, hello there, just us here, no need to get all worked up. We're going to just stand closer together here and hold out our arms so we look bigger and back up slowly and definitely not turn and run."
That's assuming there aren't any cubs around, and/or the bear isn't one that simply does not give a fuck.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
There's a podcast about MR James called A Podcast to the Curious, and, for some reason, in an early episode, they got to talking about American camping stories. "The stories are always about being chased by bears," one of them said. "I don't know why Americans are always being chased by bears."
I don't know why the podcaster was surprised. After all, England gave us Shako.
Also, I like the suggestion that campers should wear little bells on their clothing to ward off bears, because England has also given us the answer to that.
posted by maxsparber at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't know why the podcaster was surprised. After all, England gave us Shako.
Also, I like the suggestion that campers should wear little bells on their clothing to ward off bears, because England has also given us the answer to that.
posted by maxsparber at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
K is for Kayak, assaulted by bears
posted by bondcliff at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [35 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 11:06 AM on October 1, 2015 [35 favorites]
It bugs me to know that the internet is gonna be all "LOL LETS MAKE FUN OF THIS PERSON!" even though most of the people who will watch this video and laugh would have shit their pants were they in this woman's shoes.
yeah, it's disappointing how true this is. a lot of people wouldn't have even made it that far, they would have been attacked before getting the chance. this person does a lot right when faced with a bear encounter.
posted by dogwalker at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
yeah, it's disappointing how true this is. a lot of people wouldn't have even made it that far, they would have been attacked before getting the chance. this person does a lot right when faced with a bear encounter.
posted by dogwalker at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
lalochezia: "That sucks, but be glad it was a black bear. How to tell the difference between black and grizzly bears."
A .357 can stop a black bear. A .357 will annoy a grizzly.
posted by Splunge at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
A .357 can stop a black bear. A .357 will annoy a grizzly.
posted by Splunge at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Bear, I'm going to bear spray you."
posted by lazycomputerkids at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lazycomputerkids at 11:08 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wow. Yeah, that went much better than I would have expected.
posted by pan at 11:14 AM on October 1, 2015
posted by pan at 11:14 AM on October 1, 2015
"A friend and I were hiking just a few days ago and wound up between a mama and her two cubs,.."
Honestly, in an era when EVERYONE has a video camera in his/her pocket, you're going to tell that story without a link to a video, and expect us to believe you're not just making it all up to impress us... sheesh...
posted by HuronBob at 11:15 AM on October 1, 2015
Honestly, in an era when EVERYONE has a video camera in his/her pocket, you're going to tell that story without a link to a video, and expect us to believe you're not just making it all up to impress us... sheesh...
posted by HuronBob at 11:15 AM on October 1, 2015
"Why are you breaking my kayak?"
The bear sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry," he said. "It's in my nature to do so."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:15 AM on October 1, 2015 [46 favorites]
The bear sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry," he said. "It's in my nature to do so."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:15 AM on October 1, 2015 [46 favorites]
That's assuming there aren't any cubs around, and/or the bear isn't one that simply does not give a fuck.
No bear gives a fuck.
posted by bondcliff at 11:17 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
No bear gives a fuck.
posted by bondcliff at 11:17 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
BEAR
BEAR
BEAR
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK?
I'M GOING TO PEPPER SPRAY YOU IN THE FACE NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
PEPPER SPRAY IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE BEAR
posted by Kabanos at 11:18 AM on October 1, 2015 [36 favorites]
BEAR
BEAR
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK?
I'M GOING TO PEPPER SPRAY YOU IN THE FACE NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
PEPPER SPRAY IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE BEAR
posted by Kabanos at 11:18 AM on October 1, 2015 [36 favorites]
My favorite part is how indignant she is about the bear being awake and THERE at the end of September. I share her indignation.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:18 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 11:18 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
god i just realized i forgot to post the BEARCAM this summer and now i am bereft
beareft
posted by poffin boffin at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
beareft
posted by poffin boffin at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
I thought the bells were so that I didn't kill birds.
posted by maryr at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by maryr at 11:20 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
This sounds like most mornings with my two year old.
posted by piyushnz at 11:21 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by piyushnz at 11:21 AM on October 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
If that woman doesn't have a toddler in her life I will eat my hat.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:22 AM on October 1, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by mudpuppie at 11:22 AM on October 1, 2015 [20 favorites]
(That wasn't a response to piyushnz -- just good timing.)
posted by mudpuppie at 11:23 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mudpuppie at 11:23 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
BEAR...BEAR...BEAR...WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK?
"I have a NAME, madam!"
posted by PlusDistance at 11:27 AM on October 1, 2015 [14 favorites]
"I have a NAME, madam!"
posted by PlusDistance at 11:27 AM on October 1, 2015 [14 favorites]
She was on a solo kayak trip from Ketchikan, Alaska to Petersburg, AK. I think we can assume she knew what she was doing. At least, until the bear started chowing down.
posted by quaking fajita at 11:27 AM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by quaking fajita at 11:27 AM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
I really love this lady. I feel so bad for her, she knows her trip is coming to an end and she is stranded (she had to catch a ride with a sailboat)... but I still couldn't keep from laughing for like 5 minutes.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:29 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:29 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Bears go crazy in early fall. They do crazy shit like go crashing through skylights to eat birthday cupcakes and they stop being afraid of pretty much everything.
Pix or it didn't happen.
There was a documentary about this phenomenon from about five years ago.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 11:34 AM on October 1, 2015
Pix or it didn't happen.
There was a documentary about this phenomenon from about five years ago.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 11:34 AM on October 1, 2015
Thread needs Herzog as bear narration.
posted by lazycomputerkids at 11:35 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lazycomputerkids at 11:35 AM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I feel so bad for her, she knows her trip is coming to an end and she is stranded (she had to catch a ride with a sailboat)... but I still couldn't keep from laughing for like 5 minutes.
Oh yes, despite my initial comment, I find this funny. Mostly because it's not happening to me. That said, I felt the lady who took the video is a model of how one should act around bears. I'm not laughing at her at all. She did the right thing.
She was on a solo kayak trip from Ketchikan, Alaska to Petersburg, AK.
Then she no doubt had food in the boat, which is why the bear tore it apart. This is the sort of thing that could have ended up much, much worse if there had not been other people around that she could hitch a ride with.
Jonathan Waterman's book Arctic Crossing: A Journey Through the Northwest Passage and Inuit Culture is a pretty good account of a long solo kayak trip with a couple of bear encounters.
Thread needs Herzog as bear narration.
I'm thinking a mash-up with the Boston Sunfish Bros.
posted by bondcliff at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh yes, despite my initial comment, I find this funny. Mostly because it's not happening to me. That said, I felt the lady who took the video is a model of how one should act around bears. I'm not laughing at her at all. She did the right thing.
She was on a solo kayak trip from Ketchikan, Alaska to Petersburg, AK.
Then she no doubt had food in the boat, which is why the bear tore it apart. This is the sort of thing that could have ended up much, much worse if there had not been other people around that she could hitch a ride with.
Jonathan Waterman's book Arctic Crossing: A Journey Through the Northwest Passage and Inuit Culture is a pretty good account of a long solo kayak trip with a couple of bear encounters.
Thread needs Herzog as bear narration.
I'm thinking a mash-up with the Boston Sunfish Bros.
posted by bondcliff at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
It doesn’t even taste good! It’s just plastic!
The bear paused and sat back on his haunches.
"You know something? You're right. The last time I had one of these, it had a tasty - if loud - filling."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
The bear paused and sat back on his haunches.
"You know something? You're right. The last time I had one of these, it had a tasty - if loud - filling."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:37 AM on October 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
"You know something? You're right. The last time I had one of these, it had a tasty - if loud - filling."
"... or anyway that's what I heard from my friend the humpback whale."
posted by The Bellman at 11:40 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
"... or anyway that's what I heard from my friend the humpback whale."
posted by The Bellman at 11:40 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
As she stood pondering the wreckage of her kayak and wondering how she was going to get home, the unhelpful words of her father echoed through her mind:
"That's the risk of owning a kayak in this area."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:44 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
"That's the risk of owning a kayak in this area."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:44 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
gottabefunky: Seriously though, talking to a bear - calmly - is good advice in a face-to-face confrontation.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:47 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:47 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Then of course there's the Gary Larson cartoon version of this event, which is captioned 'What people say/what bears hear', and features a word balloon that says, "BEAR! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BEAR! BLAH BLAH BLAH, BEAR?"
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
I came across a black bear last week while I was out running. It's pretty common in my neighborhood. He was ambling away from me down the street about 100 yards ahead. I started to clap very loudly and he looked back, paused, and started scratching his belly with a back foot. As I got closer I kept clapping and added a counterpoint yelled "GO" in between the claps. With about 50 yards separation he ran off the street and stood behind a tree preparing to climb up. I guess you just get used to looking for cubs or bear body language for cues about pressing on or turning around.
posted by achrise at 11:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
I came across a black bear last week while I was out running. It's pretty common in my neighborhood. He was ambling away from me down the street about 100 yards ahead. I started to clap very loudly and he looked back, paused, and started scratching his belly with a back foot. As I got closer I kept clapping and added a counterpoint yelled "GO" in between the claps. With about 50 yards separation he ran off the street and stood behind a tree preparing to climb up. I guess you just get used to looking for cubs or bear body language for cues about pressing on or turning around.
posted by achrise at 11:50 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
She must not have known that when you're in bear country, you should always carry a cat.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 11:54 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 11:54 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Well at least the bear wasn't all, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
posted by xedrik at 12:00 PM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 12:00 PM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
"It's the end of September. Why are you here? You're supposed to be sleeping."
Um.... No. Black bears don't start the big snooze until October at the earliest. Until then, in the run-up to hibernation, they eat absolutely everything they can get their hands on.
For that reason, early fall is pretty much the absolute worst possible time to have a run-in with a bear. Anyone who's seen Grizzly Man knows that.
Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
What's more, they certainly have a dinghy on board.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:01 PM on October 1, 2015
Um.... No. Black bears don't start the big snooze until October at the earliest. Until then, in the run-up to hibernation, they eat absolutely everything they can get their hands on.
For that reason, early fall is pretty much the absolute worst possible time to have a run-in with a bear. Anyone who's seen Grizzly Man knows that.
Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
What's more, they certainly have a dinghy on board.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:01 PM on October 1, 2015
Oh God, why did you have to post this before the MeFi meet up in bear country? This really makes me think of the bear= God's dog beliefs. God's asshole, asshole, dog.
posted by corb at 12:03 PM on October 1, 2015
posted by corb at 12:03 PM on October 1, 2015
Seriously though, talking to a bear - calmly - is good advice in a face-to-face confrontation.
I agree. Being flirty doesn't hurt either.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 12:07 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree. Being flirty doesn't hurt either.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 12:07 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
If that woman doesn't have a toddler in her life I will eat my hat.
Heh, I also wondered if she had a toddler, and if so, if she also wails at it helplessly to stop doing whatever.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 12:08 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Heh, I also wondered if she had a toddler, and if so, if she also wails at it helplessly to stop doing whatever.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 12:08 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The trashcans along our road have faced nightly assaults from a family of bears, usually around 1 or 2 in the morning...which is right around when the bars close.
My drunk neighbors at 2:00AM were as loud, repetitive, and ineffective as Mary, but they called the bear "asshole" instead of "bear."
posted by Grandysaur at 12:08 PM on October 1, 2015
My drunk neighbors at 2:00AM were as loud, repetitive, and ineffective as Mary, but they called the bear "asshole" instead of "bear."
posted by Grandysaur at 12:08 PM on October 1, 2015
So there they were, about a hundred feet apart, barking like dogs at one another. I was embarrassed for both of them.
A rare example of one of those emotions that only a German word can accurately describe: Bärundfreundschämen.
posted by lord_wolf at 12:15 PM on October 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
A rare example of one of those emotions that only a German word can accurately describe: Bärundfreundschämen.
posted by lord_wolf at 12:15 PM on October 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
Everyone is making jokes about the bear bells, but I've had 3 different conversations this summer with rangers in 3 different National Parks that the Park Service is no longer recommending people wear bear bells as there may be some evidence that bear encounters and bear bells may be related.
However, these conversations have been met with complete frustration on my end because I haven't been able to find anything official about it or any kind of research article except for some isolated, contradicting studies that bear bells do work or that bears just ignore them. On my to do list for weeks now has been to call the grizzly and wolf center to see what's up. Maybe it was just some kind of memo or something, but I did notice none of the Ham Stores - or whatever concessionaire operates these days - didn't have bear bells - at least, not in the parks I was in.
It could make sense, though, because bear experts talk about how curious bears are - for example, I've heard to not have a bright tent in the woods, because it will stick out and a bear will investigate it -and of course there are now 2 bears on different sides of the country who have learned how to open bear canisters, which must involve both a desire for food and curiosity.
I've no desire to laugh at this woman, because I kept thinking she had food in her kayak or didn't have a clean camp. If she broke one of the rules for being in bear country, particularly if she left food outside, then the bear encounter is her fault, and it's highly suspect that she did if she thinks bears would be hibernating during their busiest feeding time of the year. If the bear had positive results from this encounter increases the potential for another human encounter where the person or bear gets hurt, as well as the end of the bear. That's not a joke to me.
But I'm also cranky because of the more stupid shit people have done this summer with wild animals, including taking selfies with a sow and her cubs right here in Denver as well as getting a popular trail near Maroon Bells closed 2 years in a row for not taking care in bear country and leaving trash in their campsites. Or the bison goring in YNP and that guy who got gored in Rocky NP just a few days ago by an elk. Grrrr.
posted by barchan at 12:26 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
However, these conversations have been met with complete frustration on my end because I haven't been able to find anything official about it or any kind of research article except for some isolated, contradicting studies that bear bells do work or that bears just ignore them. On my to do list for weeks now has been to call the grizzly and wolf center to see what's up. Maybe it was just some kind of memo or something, but I did notice none of the Ham Stores - or whatever concessionaire operates these days - didn't have bear bells - at least, not in the parks I was in.
It could make sense, though, because bear experts talk about how curious bears are - for example, I've heard to not have a bright tent in the woods, because it will stick out and a bear will investigate it -and of course there are now 2 bears on different sides of the country who have learned how to open bear canisters, which must involve both a desire for food and curiosity.
I've no desire to laugh at this woman, because I kept thinking she had food in her kayak or didn't have a clean camp. If she broke one of the rules for being in bear country, particularly if she left food outside, then the bear encounter is her fault, and it's highly suspect that she did if she thinks bears would be hibernating during their busiest feeding time of the year. If the bear had positive results from this encounter increases the potential for another human encounter where the person or bear gets hurt, as well as the end of the bear. That's not a joke to me.
But I'm also cranky because of the more stupid shit people have done this summer with wild animals, including taking selfies with a sow and her cubs right here in Denver as well as getting a popular trail near Maroon Bells closed 2 years in a row for not taking care in bear country and leaving trash in their campsites. Or the bison goring in YNP and that guy who got gored in Rocky NP just a few days ago by an elk. Grrrr.
posted by barchan at 12:26 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
I feel uncommonly calm and sane in comparison.
posted by theora55 at 12:40 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 12:40 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
MetaTalk: [pepper spray sounds]
posted by wenestvedt at 12:47 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wenestvedt at 12:47 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
How to tell the difference between black and grizzly bears.
As it was once explained to me, the easiest way to tell the difference:
1) Find large stick.
2) Hit bear on nose with large stick.
3) Run away and climb a tree.
If the bear climbs the tree and then kills you, then it's a black bear. However, if the bear knocks over the tree and then kills you, then it's a grizzly.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 12:54 PM on October 1, 2015 [18 favorites]
As it was once explained to me, the easiest way to tell the difference:
1) Find large stick.
2) Hit bear on nose with large stick.
3) Run away and climb a tree.
If the bear climbs the tree and then kills you, then it's a black bear. However, if the bear knocks over the tree and then kills you, then it's a grizzly.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 12:54 PM on October 1, 2015 [18 favorites]
It could make sense, though, because bear experts talk about how curious bears are - for example, I've heard to not have a bright tent in the woods, because it will stick out and a bear will investigate it -and of course there are now 2 bears on different sides of the country who have learned how to open bear canisters, which must involve both a desire for food and curiosity.
In the NC mountains, there are (big) black bears who have learned that they can pick up and shake the "bear proof" trashcans until tasty things come out. Everybody is having to go back to just taking their trash out to the trash truck themselves, or keeping it inside and driving it to a dumpster, like they did before "bear proof" trashcans became a thing.
posted by hydropsyche at 12:55 PM on October 1, 2015
In the NC mountains, there are (big) black bears who have learned that they can pick up and shake the "bear proof" trashcans until tasty things come out. Everybody is having to go back to just taking their trash out to the trash truck themselves, or keeping it inside and driving it to a dumpster, like they did before "bear proof" trashcans became a thing.
posted by hydropsyche at 12:55 PM on October 1, 2015
Foam Pants: "Bears go crazy in early fall. They do crazy shit like go crashing through skylights to eat birthday cupcakes and they stop being afraid of pretty much everything. Ugh. Between the constant rain, the skies getting dark so early, and the damned bears, fall in Southeast Alaska can kind of suck."
So, just get the bear's cell phone number and give them a bad rating on Peeple so everyone else can be prepared.
posted by Samizdata at 12:57 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
So, just get the bear's cell phone number and give them a bad rating on Peeple so everyone else can be prepared.
posted by Samizdata at 12:57 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
really though the best part is how similar this bear's actions are to mine when i can't get the pocky packet open
posted by poffin boffin at 1:01 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 1:01 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Previously, a much more stressful encounter: Pawzing workout, resuming workout.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
AFAICT, this is the original YouTube video
posted by clorox at 1:12 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by clorox at 1:12 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Mary was forced to swim out to a passing sailboat
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
Doesn't mean she might not have to swim to it to get on; it may have too large a draft to get any closer.
posted by phearlez at 1:15 PM on October 1, 2015
That's maybe a little overly dramatic. You can see in the video a sailboat anchored about 100 yards away; I'm imagining them laughing and sipping champagne while watching this transpire.
Doesn't mean she might not have to swim to it to get on; it may have too large a draft to get any closer.
posted by phearlez at 1:15 PM on October 1, 2015
RE: tags. Tories? Bestiality?
A promise is a promise.
posted by Naberius at 1:17 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
A promise is a promise.
posted by Naberius at 1:17 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, thank God. I was afraid to watch to the end lest one or the other show up.
posted by yhbc at 1:41 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by yhbc at 1:41 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the bears that Mary ever pepper sprayed, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of the bears. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in maritime joinery. But for Mary Maley, this bear was an adversary, a delinquent. The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me. The bears were all on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION! But now, I've contacted the local Ringling Brothers and told them that the bears are now all, all eligible for costumed unicycle service.
posted by Dean Wormer Herzog at 1:42 PM on October 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by Dean Wormer Herzog at 1:42 PM on October 1, 2015 [21 favorites]
How to tell grizzly bear poop from black bear poop: grizzly poop has bells.
posted by nofundy at 1:48 PM on October 1, 2015
posted by nofundy at 1:48 PM on October 1, 2015
So this was her kingdom: an plastic boat, an internet full of onlookers, and a bear.
posted by Kabanos at 2:00 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Kabanos at 2:00 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
... crazy shit like go crashing through skylights to eat birthday cupcakes
it me
posted by oneirodynia at 2:37 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
it me
posted by oneirodynia at 2:37 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
In the NC mountains, there are (big) black bears who have learned that they can pick up and shake the "bear proof" trashcans
Yup, I keep the trash indoors now and take it myself instead of leaving that can out, but that was something to see. Cubs looked like they were made of black silk.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:55 PM on October 1, 2015
Yup, I keep the trash indoors now and take it myself instead of leaving that can out, but that was something to see. Cubs looked like they were made of black silk.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:55 PM on October 1, 2015
> A friend and I were hiking just a few days ago and wound up between a mama and her two cubs, never a good place to be.
Gary Larson had something to say about this sort of bear encounter, too...
posted by mosk at 3:13 PM on October 1, 2015
Gary Larson had something to say about this sort of bear encounter, too...
posted by mosk at 3:13 PM on October 1, 2015
OK - heaven knows I'm now woodswoman but I do not understand the actions of the woman in this video at all. Once you sprayed the bear and successfully got it to go away from you, wouldn't the sensible course of action be to slowly back away and find a place of safety away from the bear rather than approach it more closely, take out your phone and videotape you harassing it further? I mean the latter course of action, to me at least ,smacks of some "found video" by some bones a few years later.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 3:53 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by AGameOfMoans at 3:53 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
(oh also - maybe I'm just having a bad week but by the two minute mark I was seriously rooting for the bear )
posted by AGameOfMoans at 3:58 PM on October 1, 2015
posted by AGameOfMoans at 3:58 PM on October 1, 2015
really though the best part is how similar this bear's actions are to mine when i can't get the pocky packet open
POFFIN BOFFIN
POFFIN BOFFIN
YOU'RE BREAKING IT! WHY ARE YOU BREAKING THE POCKY PACKET?
STOP IT!
POFFIN BOFFIN, STOP. STOP, POFFIN BOFFIN.
IT'S THE OUTER WRAPPER. IT'S NOT - IT'S NOT EVEN FOOD. IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE GOOD! IT'S JUST PLASTIC!
WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!
I'M GONNA PEPPER SPRAY YOU, PLEASE STOP.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
POFFIN BOFFIN
POFFIN BOFFIN
YOU'RE BREAKING IT! WHY ARE YOU BREAKING THE POCKY PACKET?
STOP IT!
POFFIN BOFFIN, STOP. STOP, POFFIN BOFFIN.
IT'S THE OUTER WRAPPER. IT'S NOT - IT'S NOT EVEN FOOD. IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE GOOD! IT'S JUST PLASTIC!
WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!
I'M GONNA PEPPER SPRAY YOU, PLEASE STOP.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
I get that she was upset but she went from speaking to the bear like it was a recalcitrant kindergartener to full on wailing like she was the toddler very quickly. Someone needs a nap. Bear was all, sheesh lady, quit wailing. From the transcript i thought she'd sound more stern and less like it was big meanie bear snapping all her crayons in half.
She needs a cat. Get used to them pushing ornaments off the shelf and scratching up the furniture, you don't take any destruction personally.
posted by kitten magic at 8:32 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
She needs a cat. Get used to them pushing ornaments off the shelf and scratching up the furniture, you don't take any destruction personally.
posted by kitten magic at 8:32 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am on Team Bear..
I am not sure how I was able to get through the video. I am happily surprised the bear didn't come back to finish her off. At least give the bear some earned respect. It is Mr. Bear.
posted by AugustWest at 8:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not sure how I was able to get through the video. I am happily surprised the bear didn't come back to finish her off. At least give the bear some earned respect. It is Mr. Bear.
posted by AugustWest at 8:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Juneau bear in a mudroom
Juneau bear invites himself to a party
Juneau bear has crap night at the pub
Neighbor Dee has fun with Juneau bear downtown
posted by Foam Pants at 10:33 PM on October 1, 2015
Juneau bear invites himself to a party
Juneau bear has crap night at the pub
Neighbor Dee has fun with Juneau bear downtown
posted by Foam Pants at 10:33 PM on October 1, 2015
I have no citation for this, but many years ago I read an interview with a park ranger about bear-proof bins / food storage lockers at campgrounds who said (approx) "the problem is, we have to make them openable by campers but not by bears, and there's an overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest human".
posted by nickzoic at 2:34 AM on October 2, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by nickzoic at 2:34 AM on October 2, 2015 [21 favorites]
Juneau Bear needs his own Twitter account. I bet he'd be bros with Florida Man.
posted by pxe2000 at 3:26 AM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pxe2000 at 3:26 AM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
If this novel were adapted into a film, this clip could be the start of something beautiful.
posted by intelligentless at 10:18 AM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intelligentless at 10:18 AM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't watch the new trailer for The Revenant, especially the scene when Leonardo Di Caprio is being attacked by a bear, without thinking of this young woman.
BEAR
BEAR
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING THAT
PLEASE DON'T EAT THAT
IT'S NOT EVEN FOOD
posted by maxsparber at 10:43 AM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
BEAR
BEAR
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING THAT
PLEASE DON'T EAT THAT
IT'S NOT EVEN FOOD
posted by maxsparber at 10:43 AM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
So I did my masters' research on grizzly bear tourism on the coast of BC. My advisor had been attacked and nearly killed by a bear over two decades before, and ended up becoming one of the leading bear researchers in the country.
In the summer of 1998 we were based out of the best research location of all time. The work involved lots of field time and many hair-raising but harmless close encounters, including spending the night up in bear-viewing towers to track who's coming and going, and rounding a corner while dragging boat up a shallow stream to find one standing there in the water, wonderfully unconcerned.
We carried bear spray and shotguns (load with non-deadly ammo), but everyone pretty much knew that if a grizzly wants to kill you - and if you don't have an Abrams tank to crawl inside - it will. They can outrun horses and are ridiculously strong. Luckily they were fat and happy, stuffing themselves on salmon all day long and used to humans gawking at them from two-story viewing platforms.
(Interestingly, the females and cubs tend to stay closer to people than males, who will kill cubs to bring females into estrus but understandably, as hunting targets, are less comfortable around humans.)
One afternoon a group of us were walking through the woods. Without warning we heard a vigorous splashing in a stream on the other side of a line of trees. It was a grizzly charging, as they will, almost always just to show you they're badasses and want you to go somewhere else.
It happened so fast that none of us had a chance to even reach for the cans of bear spray (a.k.a. "victim seasoning") on our belts. All we could do was freeze. We couldn't even see the animal clearly, just a big cloud of bright water and dark fur.
Someone eventually had the presence of mind to start talking calmly - "Hey bear, we're here, everything is cool," etc. We slowly backed up and the bear huffed and wandered off. The whole thing took half a minute, tops.
I never asked my advisor what was going through his head at that moment. I just didn't know him that well at the time and wasn't comfortable enough. I always wish I had.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:47 AM on October 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
In the summer of 1998 we were based out of the best research location of all time. The work involved lots of field time and many hair-raising but harmless close encounters, including spending the night up in bear-viewing towers to track who's coming and going, and rounding a corner while dragging boat up a shallow stream to find one standing there in the water, wonderfully unconcerned.
We carried bear spray and shotguns (load with non-deadly ammo), but everyone pretty much knew that if a grizzly wants to kill you - and if you don't have an Abrams tank to crawl inside - it will. They can outrun horses and are ridiculously strong. Luckily they were fat and happy, stuffing themselves on salmon all day long and used to humans gawking at them from two-story viewing platforms.
(Interestingly, the females and cubs tend to stay closer to people than males, who will kill cubs to bring females into estrus but understandably, as hunting targets, are less comfortable around humans.)
One afternoon a group of us were walking through the woods. Without warning we heard a vigorous splashing in a stream on the other side of a line of trees. It was a grizzly charging, as they will, almost always just to show you they're badasses and want you to go somewhere else.
It happened so fast that none of us had a chance to even reach for the cans of bear spray (a.k.a. "victim seasoning") on our belts. All we could do was freeze. We couldn't even see the animal clearly, just a big cloud of bright water and dark fur.
Someone eventually had the presence of mind to start talking calmly - "Hey bear, we're here, everything is cool," etc. We slowly backed up and the bear huffed and wandered off. The whole thing took half a minute, tops.
I never asked my advisor what was going through his head at that moment. I just didn't know him that well at the time and wasn't comfortable enough. I always wish I had.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:47 AM on October 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
Why the hell did every television show in the 70s have a grizzly bear as a character? They always seemed like big friendly dogs.
Dan Haggerty, how many have died because of you?
posted by maxsparber at 10:51 AM on October 2, 2015
Dan Haggerty, how many have died because of you?
posted by maxsparber at 10:51 AM on October 2, 2015
True story: I used to to ultralight camping before a neck injury. Had my entire pack (less only food, water, & fuel) down to 9 lb.
I discovered what a wonderful wound disinfectant honey was, and - you gotta keep in mind, when your tent + rain gear + sleeping bag + cookstove + everything you aren't wearing has to be kept under 9 freaking pounds (4.08 kg), you have to be single-minded about the weight of things - I realized that honey could double as overnight snack food AND first-aid salve.
Until I realized a wound would turn me into a sweetened, salty bear burrito in my mummy bag.
tommasz : Is it me, or do animals seem to be getting smarter while humans seem to be getting dumber?
When interviewed about the problems of making garbage bins bears can't get into in Yellowstone Park, a ranger noted, "There is a large overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest campers."
True dat.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:38 PM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I discovered what a wonderful wound disinfectant honey was, and - you gotta keep in mind, when your tent + rain gear + sleeping bag + cookstove + everything you aren't wearing has to be kept under 9 freaking pounds (4.08 kg), you have to be single-minded about the weight of things - I realized that honey could double as overnight snack food AND first-aid salve.
Until I realized a wound would turn me into a sweetened, salty bear burrito in my mummy bag.
tommasz : Is it me, or do animals seem to be getting smarter while humans seem to be getting dumber?
When interviewed about the problems of making garbage bins bears can't get into in Yellowstone Park, a ranger noted, "There is a large overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest campers."
True dat.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:38 PM on October 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
After I stopped snickering my cynical thought was that this is a viral ad for the Kayak company. However the exact model is not sold online.
posted by Sophont at 4:00 PM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Sophont at 4:00 PM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I could have sworn this was a Jon Wurster call on The Best Show.
posted by fozzie_bear at 5:18 PM on October 2, 2015
posted by fozzie_bear at 5:18 PM on October 2, 2015
She must not have known that when you're in bear country, you should always carry a cat yt .
Or a French bulldog.
posted by homunculus at 9:04 PM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Or a French bulldog.
posted by homunculus at 9:04 PM on October 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm totally addicted to this dubstep remix.
posted by w0mbat at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by w0mbat at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older Authenticating American-ness | There will also be a Track Managing Droid Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
Hmm, didn't she previously pepper spray the bear?
"I’m going to pepper spray you in the face, that’s what I’m gonna do to you.
[pepper spray sounds]"
Sounds like the kayak must be tasting mighty spicy to the bear or maybe the plastic is helping kill the burn?
posted by I-baLL at 10:31 AM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]