Judgemental Reviews Of Common Pasta Shapes
October 9, 2015 1:39 PM Subscribe
MeFi's own The Whelk reviews common pasta shapes for The Rumpus. I can only assume he recused himself from judging conchiglie due to the family resemblance. [via mefi projects]
Risotto?
posted by mzurer at 1:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mzurer at 1:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wait since when is risotto a pasta? Am I missing the joke?
posted by quaking fajita at 1:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by quaking fajita at 1:46 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Dammit.
posted by quaking fajita at 1:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quaking fajita at 1:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lasagna: meat cake. Meeeeeeeaat Caaaaaaake!
posted by happyroach at 1:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by happyroach at 1:47 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
The best Diderot-ian pasta name is Strozzapretti.
posted by lalochezia at 1:51 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lalochezia at 1:51 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had delicious linguine pesto for dinner last night and could not stop thinking about this piece the whole time. I will admit to having chosen it over the farfalle pollo because of it.
posted by sparkletone at 1:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sparkletone at 1:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I also assumed the other pasta shapes left out were omitted because no legitimate criticism can be applied to them. Radiatore, for instance, is basically perfect. It does not slip unctuously about your plate like farfalle, it doesn't mark you as a slob by messily lashing your face like your spaghettis and linguines, it does not hold unpleasant wet hollows within itself like rigatoni. It dutifully holds sauce in its ridges and readily accepts a basic fork-stabbing maneuver. I cannot speak highly enough of radiatore.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
Fagottini is fun because of the moment of hesitation English speakers have before pronouncing it.
posted by The Whelk at 1:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 1:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [28 favorites]
note to self: write bot that invents and describes pasta shapes.
posted by boo_radley at 1:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by boo_radley at 1:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [21 favorites]
No need for cartwheels, everyone already knows that's the worst pasta shape anyways.
posted by Carillon at 1:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 1:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Underwhelming as boiled ravioli are, toasted ravioli with the right sauce are great.
posted by notsnot at 1:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 1:59 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I thought meat cake was a compliment.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 2:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by knuckle tattoos at 2:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Where's the appropriately multicolored seasonal pasta in the shapes of pumpkins, witches, black cats, ghosts, and tombstones?
You know -- for Ghoulash.
posted by jamjam at 2:07 PM on October 9, 2015 [14 favorites]
You know -- for Ghoulash.
posted by jamjam at 2:07 PM on October 9, 2015 [14 favorites]
I also assumed the other pasta shapes left out were omitted because no legitimate criticism can be applied to them.
Also tortellini, which has the delicious potential of a ravioli and the sauce-holding capabilities of a fusilli.
Underwhelming as boiled ravioli are, toasted ravioli with the right sauce are great.
Or fried!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:07 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
yeah a ravioli is just like a proof-of-concept for a tortellini
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
Fagottini is fun because of the moment of hesitation English speakers have before pronouncing it.
Only because American English ruined the faggot for us Brits.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2015
Only because American English ruined the faggot for us Brits.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2015
all ravioli does is remind you you could be eating a dumpling.
posted by The Whelk at 2:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 2:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The Whelk, your website as listed at the bottom of the article currently isn't working (or well, it is, but it's just a domain parking page). Did they include an incorrect URL?
posted by limeonaire at 2:13 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by limeonaire at 2:13 PM on October 9, 2015
What about vermicelli? (Referring to the spaghetti, not the worm.)
posted by Taft at 2:14 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Taft at 2:14 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also missing: Penne.
Which ever since Lost causes me to yell out lout repeatedly with an Australian accent, much to the annoyance of my wife.
posted by Kabanos at 2:16 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Which ever since Lost causes me to yell out lout repeatedly with an Australian accent, much to the annoyance of my wife.
posted by Kabanos at 2:16 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Shit. I'm doing it now.
posted by Kabanos at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kabanos at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
this is why you autopay your bills
posted by poffin boffin at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
The inexcusable omission of farfella is inexcusable. One of my post-retirement projects has been kasha varnishkas. This is buckwheat groats mixed with farfella macaroni. To jews, it is to crack as coffee is to instant coffee.
I spent my entire life believing kasha required mysterious metheds for preparation. It is far more complex than rice, but well within the abilities of normal persons. I prepare it with bullion instead of just salt, and it is perfect(ly acceptible). Farfella responds well to the package directions. A box of kasha and a half box of farfella makes up into a few quarts of varnishkas, which will typically be gone in a day or two.
Farfella means butterfiles. They are also called bows. I have no idea how they came to be associated with kasha. I also have no idea why kasha is so much more expensive than other grainy stuff. Still, much cheaper than quinoa or chia or other yuppy crud.
Yeah, drunk posting again. Apologies.
posted by hexatron at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I spent my entire life believing kasha required mysterious metheds for preparation. It is far more complex than rice, but well within the abilities of normal persons. I prepare it with bullion instead of just salt, and it is perfect(ly acceptible). Farfella responds well to the package directions. A box of kasha and a half box of farfella makes up into a few quarts of varnishkas, which will typically be gone in a day or two.
Farfella means butterfiles. They are also called bows. I have no idea how they came to be associated with kasha. I also have no idea why kasha is so much more expensive than other grainy stuff. Still, much cheaper than quinoa or chia or other yuppy crud.
Yeah, drunk posting again. Apologies.
posted by hexatron at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Kabanos: "Also missing: Penne."Number 7.
hexatron: "The inexcusable omission of farfella is inexcusable."Number 5.
posted by brokkr at 2:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
(I got a work ticket, fingers crossed)
If you like the look of these I did some auto-bio comics for The Liberty Project this summer, including the duck recipe that was my most Favorited comment for an alarmingly long time
posted by The Whelk at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you like the look of these I did some auto-bio comics for The Liberty Project this summer, including the duck recipe that was my most Favorited comment for an alarmingly long time
posted by The Whelk at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
(It is on autopay! I think my card expired oh god why am I an adult)
posted by The Whelk at 2:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 2:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [20 favorites]
i like spagety
posted by codacorolla at 2:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 2:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now do uncommon ones! I'm just dying to read more about the unholy abomination that is Long Ziti.
posted by metaphorever at 2:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by metaphorever at 2:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
For the record brokkr, I did RTFA. But when I went back to double check with the old command-F, my browser obviously wasn't reading the beautiful illustrations!
I DO know that lumaconi is missing, which would have seemed like an obvious choice for The Whelk.
posted by Kabanos at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2015
I DO know that lumaconi is missing, which would have seemed like an obvious choice for The Whelk.
posted by Kabanos at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2015
Farfelle shaped like human genetalia? Have I been post-sex so long that new organs have appeared? My own look more-or-less like that gross Washington clam, and wife's like most any other clam. Who are these farfella-bearing persons?
posted by hexatron at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by hexatron at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
the unholy abomination that is Long Ziti.
NEEDS NSFL TAG
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
NEEDS NSFL TAG
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Phillipe Starck designer pasta is the most uncommon, as it no longer exists.
I imagine some impossibly refined chef has the last remaining box of it hidden somewhere in a very well furnished home.
posted by The Whelk at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I imagine some impossibly refined chef has the last remaining box of it hidden somewhere in a very well furnished home.
posted by The Whelk at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ziti--disappointment in an aluminum tray, over sterno.
posted by hexatron at 2:34 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by hexatron at 2:34 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
other stupid shapes:
Sigarette
Cappelletti
Sacchettoni (were you even trying?)
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sigarette
Cappelletti
Sacchettoni (were you even trying?)
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ziti seems just as institutional and dreary as spaghetti, in that "baked ziti" was just as common in school cafeteria lunches for me as spaghetti or that awful sheet pizza stuff.
posted by indubitable at 2:37 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 2:37 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
for some reason spaghetti is always my late-night munchies craving but is the least convenient sleepy stoner eat-in-bed food ever.
also, i had incredible tonnarelli cacio e pepe the other night and now i'm not sure i can ever go back to regular spaghetti after having handmade tonnarelli
posted by burgerrr at 2:47 PM on October 9, 2015
also, i had incredible tonnarelli cacio e pepe the other night and now i'm not sure i can ever go back to regular spaghetti after having handmade tonnarelli
posted by burgerrr at 2:47 PM on October 9, 2015
ravioli is amazing an i'm just going to assume the haters are bad at preparing it and that goes triple for gnocchi. you bastards who can still eat giant piles of carbs are doing it WRONG WRONG WRONG.
posted by nadawi at 3:02 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 3:02 PM on October 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Spaghetti means you can't voluntarily leave"
That is priceless!
posted by dabug at 3:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
That is priceless!
posted by dabug at 3:05 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
gnocchi is one of those things that seems great when you haven't had any in a long time
then three bites in you're like yeah that was tasty but I'm good on gnocchi for the next 4-6 months now
meanwhile a ginormous mound of unfinished gnocchi stares back at you, and knowing that you have at least two days of gluey potatoey gnocchi leftovers ahead of you, you remember that the characteristic aftertaste of gnocchi...is betrayal
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:07 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
then three bites in you're like yeah that was tasty but I'm good on gnocchi for the next 4-6 months now
meanwhile a ginormous mound of unfinished gnocchi stares back at you, and knowing that you have at least two days of gluey potatoey gnocchi leftovers ahead of you, you remember that the characteristic aftertaste of gnocchi...is betrayal
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:07 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
i really need to make you all gnocchi. you are pan frying it after the boiling, yes?
posted by nadawi at 3:11 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 3:11 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
gnocchi is french fries in sauce.
posted by The Whelk at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
AND DOESN'T THAT SOUND DELICIOUS (also, my gnocchi is almost always without sauce - treating it like standard pasta is bizarre and probably should not be done).
posted by nadawi at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 3:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. bow tie pasta is bullshit.
2. You have never experienced frustration like trying to feed a child who won't eat some pasta because it's not the shape they wanted.
posted by Artw at 3:16 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
2. You have never experienced frustration like trying to feed a child who won't eat some pasta because it's not the shape they wanted.
posted by Artw at 3:16 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
"Spaghetti means you can't voluntarily leave"
I thought that was elbow macaroni?
posted by GuyZero at 3:17 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I thought that was elbow macaroni?
posted by GuyZero at 3:17 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
> fiori
looks like the closest thing to the "Rotelle No. 54" in the boxes on my shelf.
Which I buy because I can stack them up on the fork and when I lift them off the plate, they don't squirm off so easily as the other kinds.
posted by hank at 3:17 PM on October 9, 2015
looks like the closest thing to the "Rotelle No. 54" in the boxes on my shelf.
Which I buy because I can stack them up on the fork and when I lift them off the plate, they don't squirm off so easily as the other kinds.
posted by hank at 3:17 PM on October 9, 2015
You have never experienced frustration like trying to feed a child who won't eat some pasta because it's not the shape they wanted.
Hell, that's not nearly extreme enough. When I was little I didn't believe I'd had lunch unless there was pasta in it.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 3:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hell, that's not nearly extreme enough. When I was little I didn't believe I'd had lunch unless there was pasta in it.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 3:22 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Radiatore mouthfeel is best mouthfeel!
posted by sourwookie at 3:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by sourwookie at 3:24 PM on October 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
i really need to make you all gnocchi. you are pan frying it after the boiling, yes?
no but now I really want to try that
dammit
Lasagne as pasta cake works.
yeah I'm pretty deep in the dessert lasagna rabbit hole right now
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
no but now I really want to try that
dammit
Lasagne as pasta cake works.
yeah I'm pretty deep in the dessert lasagna rabbit hole right now
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
so yeah pan fried (or sauteed if you wanna be fancy i guess) in butter and seasonings, then tossed with fresh herbs and parm. i also find it good in things that normally call for pierogi or spaetzle.
posted by nadawi at 3:33 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 3:33 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Fusilli without a Seinfeld reference? Such self-control!
Still, I saw Fiori and thought... Not appetizing.
And it needs more Rotini, Manicotti, as well as those most un-Italian named varieties, Angel Hair, Elbows, and of course, Egg Noodles. Because my mother wasn't a good cook, but she could boil water.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Still, I saw Fiori and thought... Not appetizing.
And it needs more Rotini, Manicotti, as well as those most un-Italian named varieties, Angel Hair, Elbows, and of course, Egg Noodles. Because my mother wasn't a good cook, but she could boil water.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
My dad always called rigatoni "sewer pipes."
posted by dirigibleman at 3:40 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by dirigibleman at 3:40 PM on October 9, 2015
Bucatini was my parents attempt to stop us kids from slurping up our spaghetti. The little hole inside makes it impossible.
posted by Marky at 3:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Marky at 3:41 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ah, pasta. One of the worst parts of becoming an adult was the realization that I couldn't just eat as much pasta as I liked, forever. It seemed like overnight my body decided that if I ate, say, four helpings of ravioli, 3.5 of those were going straight to my middle, where they would remain indefinitely. Now I only get to spend time with pasta occasionally, like some sort of weird twilight relationship where we acknowledge that although we still love each other, it doesn't really work and we should see other people. Goddammit, it's like I don't even know you any more, pasta.
posted by mosk at 3:49 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by mosk at 3:49 PM on October 9, 2015 [15 favorites]
On the other hand, for reverential reviews of obscure pasta shapes, see Oretta Zanini De Vita's Encyclopedia of Pasta.
posted by gyusan at 3:49 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by gyusan at 3:49 PM on October 9, 2015
Kabanos, wasn't Desmond Hume Scottish like his namesake?
posted by a halcyon day at 3:57 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by a halcyon day at 3:57 PM on October 9, 2015
Not a super fan of spaghetti yet love fusilli lunghi...which is essentially corkscrew shaped spaghetti. Also not a fan of elbow macaroni but quite like cavatappi - which is essentially long corkscrew shaped elbow macaroni. Look, what I'm saying is that you can apparently feed me corkscrew shaped pastas and it'll be fine.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:57 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:57 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I like shells, all sizes. They just look like they're going to taste nice, even if they're really not all that good at the whole pasta/sauce relationship.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 4:04 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 4:04 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
He went too easy on fusilli. As the go-to pasta for mediocre pasta salads, it's basically the sweatpants of pasta.
posted by univac at 4:08 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by univac at 4:08 PM on October 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
One of my post-retirement projects has been kasha varnishkas
Hey, this looks cool. I have a box of kasha that I bought the other day, and I'm going to the store later this evening, so I'll get some farfalle. The internets have provided a recipe, so I will give it a try.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 4:11 PM on October 9, 2015
Hey, this looks cool. I have a box of kasha that I bought the other day, and I'm going to the store later this evening, so I'll get some farfalle. The internets have provided a recipe, so I will give it a try.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 4:11 PM on October 9, 2015
A little butter, a little sage . . . I agree nadawi that pan sauteed is what makes gnocci. Do you do potato, ricotta, something else?
posted by Carillon at 4:14 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by Carillon at 4:14 PM on October 9, 2015
Fiori's big. Yeah yeah yeah. It's not small. No no no.
posted by darksasami at 4:24 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by darksasami at 4:24 PM on October 9, 2015
I really like orzo! I agree it is rice-like in shape but the texture is different. I like to cook it in chicken broth with mushrooms and some rosemary. Toast it first in butter, then add about 16 oz of broth per cup of orzo. Cook medium-ish til all the liquid has gone and the pasta is tender.
posted by curious nu at 4:54 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by curious nu at 4:54 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
POUTINE WITH PAN-FRIED CRISPED GNOCCHI INSTEAD OF FRIES?
Are you fucking kidding me? I am ordering some cheese curds next-day air RIGHT NOW, because if you're going to do it, do it right
I'm probably going to be disappointed but from where I stand right now this seems like maybe the best fusion-cuisine idea ever
posted by jake at 4:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Are you fucking kidding me? I am ordering some cheese curds next-day air RIGHT NOW, because if you're going to do it, do it right
I'm probably going to be disappointed but from where I stand right now this seems like maybe the best fusion-cuisine idea ever
posted by jake at 4:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Also Whelk I think you of all people would appreciate this shopping list that I quietly left on my Mom's fridge last time I visited, whenever she has company over and they're nice and pickled, she makes them read these out loud
posted by jake at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2015 [50 favorites]
posted by jake at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2015 [50 favorites]
I've made gnocchi a couple times using parsnips instead of potato. I haven't gotten the method down well enough that they're as soft as if I use Yukon Gold potatoes, but they taste pretty awesome. I've also used butternut squash, but that's so watery that it takes a ton of flour before it's anything but goo so the finished product ends up really rubbery.
posted by LionIndex at 4:59 PM on October 9, 2015
posted by LionIndex at 4:59 PM on October 9, 2015
(wow I am getitng the worst customer service from my hosting provider! Wow!)
posted by The Whelk at 5:04 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:04 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Orzo is great actually if you want to make a pasta salad that isn't Totally Awful (this is hard, all pasta salad is awful, some are merely less awful) or if you want to make something like risotto but you don't want to do all the things and the stuff.
Like garlic black truffle mushroom orzo tastes just as good as garlic black truffle mushroom risotto it just don't sit in a neat little cube of butter glued starch.
posted by The Whelk at 5:08 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like garlic black truffle mushroom orzo tastes just as good as garlic black truffle mushroom risotto it just don't sit in a neat little cube of butter glued starch.
posted by The Whelk at 5:08 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Needed more Spaghetti-Os.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 5:36 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I actually really dig this Orzo salad, from PCC since I am clearly a Seattle stereotype.
posted by Artw at 5:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 5:53 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
couscous (all sizes) makes the best pasta salad. my pasta salad, like my gnocchi, is amazing.
posted by nadawi at 5:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 5:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Risotto is rice. Orzo is for escarole soup.
The little narrow part part in farfalle is awesome for bolognese or any other sauce that requires you to get stuff on your fork, because you can get some meat and then spear the noodle through the middle.
Spaghetti requires love. It's best served under an Italian grandmother's Sunday gravy. Your sad spaghetti doesn't take that away. This is also true of pierogi; my friend's Polish grandmother made the best pierogi I've ever had.
If your penne, or any other pasta, is rubbery, you're doing it wrong. Pasta is cooked al dente.
Gnocchi should be prepared where you eat it. Most of the really good gnocchi I've eaten didn't even have the silly fork marks on it.
posted by graymouser at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The little narrow part part in farfalle is awesome for bolognese or any other sauce that requires you to get stuff on your fork, because you can get some meat and then spear the noodle through the middle.
Spaghetti requires love. It's best served under an Italian grandmother's Sunday gravy. Your sad spaghetti doesn't take that away. This is also true of pierogi; my friend's Polish grandmother made the best pierogi I've ever had.
If your penne, or any other pasta, is rubbery, you're doing it wrong. Pasta is cooked al dente.
Gnocchi should be prepared where you eat it. Most of the really good gnocchi I've eaten didn't even have the silly fork marks on it.
posted by graymouser at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Lacks campanelle.
So do all stores near here that used to carry it. I wonder why.. Some kind of campanelle shortage?
posted by joeyh at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
So do all stores near here that used to carry it. I wonder why.. Some kind of campanelle shortage?
posted by joeyh at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh I like campanelle!
To the gnocchi and ravioli skeptics - have you ever tried gnudi? It's basically the same principle as gnocchi, only instead of a mashed potato base, you're using ricotta cheese.
I have a feeling some may find it more appealing because HELLO IT'S CHEESE.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
To the gnocchi and ravioli skeptics - have you ever tried gnudi? It's basically the same principle as gnocchi, only instead of a mashed potato base, you're using ricotta cheese.
I have a feeling some may find it more appealing because HELLO IT'S CHEESE.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:26 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
But it's called gnudi. My protestant upbringing would never allow me to enjoy it!
posted by Carillon at 6:38 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Carillon at 6:38 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
oh WOW I am in some kind of rabbit hole of server problems now
posted by The Whelk at 6:39 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 6:39 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I really like fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa farfalle, but mainly because I like getting Psycho Killer stuck in my head while eating.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:42 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
My protestant upbringing would never allow me to enjoy it!
The cheese is nude, not you (unless you really wanna be, I suppose).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:43 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
The cheese is nude, not you (unless you really wanna be, I suppose).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:43 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bucatini was my parents attempt to stop us kids from slurping up our spaghetti. The little hole inside makes it impossible.
Dramatic recreation.
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dramatic recreation.
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:56 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
jake, I think you and my husband might get along. (he says your shopping list is better)
posted by castlebravo at 7:02 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by castlebravo at 7:02 PM on October 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
This thread descending into a pasta recipe discussion punctuated by The Whelk's escalating battle with his hosting provider is the most Metafilter thing since things.
posted by Kreiger at 7:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [33 favorites]
posted by Kreiger at 7:03 PM on October 9, 2015 [33 favorites]
Metafilter: means you can't voluntarily leave
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
I hope The Whelk doesn't mind me saying this gives me a Roz Chast vibe, in a good way, from the breezy lettering and illustrations down to the Last Panel of WTF.
posted by mubba at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mubba at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I actually really dig this Orzo salad, from PCC since I am clearly a Seattle stereotype.
I used to too, but I have become a Seattle stereotype of the second kind, because since Celiac, Celiac, Celiac it gives me the shits!
posted by jamjam at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015
I used to too, but I have become a Seattle stereotype of the second kind, because since Celiac, Celiac, Celiac it gives me the shits!
posted by jamjam at 7:10 PM on October 9, 2015
My entire knowledge of risotto comes form watching cooking competition TV shows:
Competitor: I'm going to show the judges I can make something a little fancier, I'm going to make risotto.
Judges: WTF are they doing? They don't have time to make risotto.
(Later)
Judges: Your risotto was undercooked.
Competitor: Yeah, I ran out of time.
posted by RobotHero at 7:14 PM on October 9, 2015 [23 favorites]
Competitor: I'm going to show the judges I can make something a little fancier, I'm going to make risotto.
Judges: WTF are they doing? They don't have time to make risotto.
(Later)
Judges: Your risotto was undercooked.
Competitor: Yeah, I ran out of time.
posted by RobotHero at 7:14 PM on October 9, 2015 [23 favorites]
Have fun with your fancy gnocchi and pestos. I have decided that dinner tomorrow will be homemade macaroni and cheese, made with sharp cheddar and spirals, baked to starchy cheesy perfection.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by double block and bleed at 7:31 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Judges: Your risotto was undercooked.
Competitor: Yeah, I ran out of time.
What, 15 minutes?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:52 PM on October 9, 2015
Competitor: Yeah, I ran out of time.
What, 15 minutes?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:52 PM on October 9, 2015
Also left out: cavatappi, for when you're making "macaroni" and cheese from scratch, and you want people to know it's from scratch and not all out of a single blue box.
And I was going to complain that the article was limited to Italian-style pastas, but then I realized it's impossible to snark about spätzle.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:09 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
And I was going to complain that the article was limited to Italian-style pastas, but then I realized it's impossible to snark about spätzle.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:09 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was making a fancy pasta dish for my gentleman last night and it recommended either rotini or campanelle. I thought since I was doing FANCY PASTA, I'd get the campanelle. Except it was no where to be found. So rotini it was.
The first store didn't have all I needed (and these weren't obscure ingredients at all!) so I had to go to a second store. And then I realized I forgot an essential ingredient, so it was back to the first store. And then I got turned around a bit lost.
It basically took me two hours to buy groceries (and I wasn't even shopping that far from his place!). I blame the lack of campanelle on this. (This was all fine -- he was still at work most of this time so it's not like he was sitting around wondering where I was, fortunately.)
But in the end, we had some whiskey and then some wine and the pasta dish was delicious. It was just much later than intended.
posted by darksong at 8:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first store didn't have all I needed (and these weren't obscure ingredients at all!) so I had to go to a second store. And then I realized I forgot an essential ingredient, so it was back to the first store. And then I got turned around a bit lost.
It basically took me two hours to buy groceries (and I wasn't even shopping that far from his place!). I blame the lack of campanelle on this. (This was all fine -- he was still at work most of this time so it's not like he was sitting around wondering where I was, fortunately.)
But in the end, we had some whiskey and then some wine and the pasta dish was delicious. It was just much later than intended.
posted by darksong at 8:13 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am sadded that the most important pasta was omitted, that staple of fine dining everywhere known as penis pasta.
The what I found more amusing than the penis pasta was the instruction on the page, "Click to enlarge".
posted by angiep at 8:15 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The what I found more amusing than the penis pasta was the instruction on the page, "Click to enlarge".
posted by angiep at 8:15 PM on October 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ok I have to be the pasta pedant. Those aren't penne, because they aren't cut on a diagonal to give a form like a quill. Those would be something from the blunt ended rigatoni family, depending on size.
Also if you don't pronounce the somewhat elided double "nn" in penne in Italian, you just asked the waiter for penis with vodka sauce.
posted by romakimmy at 11:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also if you don't pronounce the somewhat elided double "nn" in penne in Italian, you just asked the waiter for penis with vodka sauce.
posted by romakimmy at 11:12 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
(I bought like a ten year domain lease and the company changed hands like three times and I don't even know anymore. I'm gonna be on the phone ALL DAY tomorrow to resotre a site that's a year out of date.)
posted by The Whelk at 11:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 11:55 PM on October 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Paccheri - supersized by aliens to mock your inadequate orifice. Da eliminare #1.
Penne lisce - chasing these gripless abominations around the plate is almost as demeaning as their inevitably sauce-less, glabrous mouthfeel. Odio le penne lisce!
Conversely, glory be to ditali (pancetta e piselli), mafalde (e ceci), strozzapreti/caserecce/pasta mista (e patate, or lenticchie) and spaghetti alla chitarra (with the tomato or seafood sauce of your choosing).
posted by progosk at 5:48 AM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Penne lisce - chasing these gripless abominations around the plate is almost as demeaning as their inevitably sauce-less, glabrous mouthfeel. Odio le penne lisce!
Conversely, glory be to ditali (pancetta e piselli), mafalde (e ceci), strozzapreti/caserecce/pasta mista (e patate, or lenticchie) and spaghetti alla chitarra (with the tomato or seafood sauce of your choosing).
posted by progosk at 5:48 AM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
There is a "ribbed for your pleasure" joke hovering 'twixt the penne lisce/rigate dichotomy.
Maltagliati - literally "badly cut" pasta, made from the leftover bits after you've made your more aesthetically pleasing pasta. It's like pasta from the wrong side of the tracks, the pasta version of Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.
posted by romakimmy at 7:06 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maltagliati - literally "badly cut" pasta, made from the leftover bits after you've made your more aesthetically pleasing pasta. It's like pasta from the wrong side of the tracks, the pasta version of Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.
posted by romakimmy at 7:06 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I will leave this here: http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1012995-roman-style-baked-semolina-gnocchi
posted by acrasis at 7:41 AM on October 10, 2015
posted by acrasis at 7:41 AM on October 10, 2015
All you gnocchi haters must have never tried my nonna's.
posted by jonmc at 8:49 AM on October 10, 2015
posted by jonmc at 8:49 AM on October 10, 2015
(A robot in Japan is holding my website ransom)
posted by The Whelk at 10:31 AM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:31 AM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
For me the 80's was all angel hair all the time. Special of the Day: Lobster in cream sauce with Angel Hair pasta.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:35 AM on October 10, 2015
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:35 AM on October 10, 2015
When I was little I adored spaghetti O's. When my husband was little he was fed the off-brand spaghetti O's because spaghetti O's were too pricey. When my daughter was little all she wanted to eat was Trader Joe's butternut squash ravioli.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:39 AM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Aw, The Whelk, so sorry to hear you've had to go through so much nonsense as a result of this situation! Did you at least have a backup of the content on the site?
posted by limeonaire at 11:22 AM on October 10, 2015
posted by limeonaire at 11:22 AM on October 10, 2015
Yeah I have all the data offsite
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Disappointing dumpling? I have never been disappointed in ravioli.
posted by agregoli at 6:24 PM on October 10, 2015
posted by agregoli at 6:24 PM on October 10, 2015
^^ Then you haven't tried Chef Boyardee!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 6:57 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 6:57 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Chef Boyardee doesn't count as pasta. It's actually red colored, lumpy phlegm.
posted by happyroach at 7:10 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by happyroach at 7:10 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wait since when is risotto a pasta?
In one of those little things that is mildly amusing to everyone outside the family, and drives a person's children ABSOLUTELY CRAZY, my mother (a) only ever eats risotto from those "instant risotto" box packets, where the "risotto" is actually made of pasta in the shape of rice, and (b) always refers to risotto as "rice risotto". I think she actually believes the latter is the proper name of the food, and that everyone else who calls it "risotto" is just using barbaric abbreviation slang.
posted by lollusc at 7:44 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
In one of those little things that is mildly amusing to everyone outside the family, and drives a person's children ABSOLUTELY CRAZY, my mother (a) only ever eats risotto from those "instant risotto" box packets, where the "risotto" is actually made of pasta in the shape of rice, and (b) always refers to risotto as "rice risotto". I think she actually believes the latter is the proper name of the food, and that everyone else who calls it "risotto" is just using barbaric abbreviation slang.
posted by lollusc at 7:44 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
a humble nudibranch: "Then you haven't tried Chef Boyardee!"
I'm a lot less picky than the average MeFite. Chef Boyardee mini ravioli isn't great, but it's quick and edible. It will end your hunger until you can find something better. SpaghettiOs is thin gruel comprised of ketchup, water, pasta, "cheese", flame retardant chemicals and failure. It tastes like garbage. I can't imagine how it's a viable product on the market.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:43 PM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm a lot less picky than the average MeFite. Chef Boyardee mini ravioli isn't great, but it's quick and edible. It will end your hunger until you can find something better. SpaghettiOs is thin gruel comprised of ketchup, water, pasta, "cheese", flame retardant chemicals and failure. It tastes like garbage. I can't imagine how it's a viable product on the market.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:43 PM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can't imagine how it's a viable product on the market.
Because it will shut the damn kids up and give mom some much-needed peace and quiet?
posted by Thorzdad at 6:29 AM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because it will shut the damn kids up and give mom some much-needed peace and quiet?
posted by Thorzdad at 6:29 AM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
lollusc, I was just checking this thread to make sure my earlier posts didn't offend anyone or get me banned, and I wanted to add that I TOTALLY have one of those memories too: between the ages of 4 and maybe 10 I would trek many miles out to Miami Beach (from the suburbs) with my Dad to visit his Orthodox Jewish parents, and that's where Nana lovingly served us "SHAR-MAIN" and fried rice EVERY SINGLE YEAR, always out of one of those 1980s Kosher boxes of Ethnic Flavors such as "Spaghetti Marinara" and "Fiesta Bake!!" which, I JUST FUCKING REALIZED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, they packed as travel rations and the fact that I never even considered that or had to do it before ... is, like, giving me all kinds of chills and making me think about privilege and raising kids and I need to call my Dad later and see if he remembers this!!!!!!
Okay back to work / weed, peace, hope you get your shit fixed, Whelkeroni
posted by jake at 8:19 PM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay back to work / weed, peace, hope you get your shit fixed, Whelkeroni
posted by jake at 8:19 PM on October 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older Grievances | The tragic tale of Mt Everest’s most famous dead... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by griphus at 1:44 PM on October 9, 2015 [12 favorites]