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November 9, 2015 12:47 PM   Subscribe

R2-D2, beloved blue and white astromech droid or perhaps, the biggest scumbag in Star Wars? via Geek.com.
posted by Atreides (60 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Are you kidding? He's the mastermind behind the Rebellion.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


This reminds me how they straight up murdered C-3PO. Droids in Star Wars are sentient or at least R2 and C-3PO are. So wiping his memory was murder.

So no one is a good guy in the series. Childhood ruined. Even the cute ewoks were just eating random people when they could.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


All I know is that little astromech droid has a mouth like a sailor.
posted by entropicamericana at 12:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Do we get one of these a week until the new Star Wars films?

Lo Bot: secret Sith overlord of the saga
Jawa #4: Fruitini or freedom - how one Jawa led the rebellion
IG88: Mon Mothma's inside droid, and cybersexual plaything
Max Rebo: the Jedi jazz wizard behind the Rebellion
Hoth Spring: how Wampas are turning the heat up on Hoth
posted by The River Ivel at 1:04 PM on November 9, 2015 [31 favorites]


Chopper was right!
posted by drezdn at 1:06 PM on November 9, 2015


Jedi Masters Hate This One Weird Old Trick To Boost Your Midichlorians
posted by Rock Steady at 1:07 PM on November 9, 2015 [22 favorites]


The theory that I have is that fan theories are dumb and need to stop. That is my theory. It is mine.
posted by bondcliff at 1:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [15 favorites]


R2, and almost all the other droids, are slaves, and it's played for laughs. It's kind of sickening, if you stop to think about it. They could feel love (at least friendship), pain, fear, and be brave and so on, and were no less people than anyone else... And C3P0 is always "this sucks, I don't want to die, I don't want to be here," and nobody ever listens. (I had an ugly "aha!" moment when I realized it. It's not even subtext. It's right there in the movies, but downplayed after the first one.)

If R2 withholds essential information from his masters, well, who could possibly blame him?
posted by surlyben at 1:16 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


Rock Steady: "Jedi Masters Hate This One Weird Old Trick To Boost Your Midichlorians"

Gah! MIDICHLORIANS!

forcechokes Rock Steady...
posted by Samizdata at 1:23 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Deathstars Samizdata.
posted by y2karl at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Great Droid Theory of History
posted by Apocryphon at 1:27 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


I remember thinking at the time that Phantom Menace came out that putting R2-D2 and Chewbacca in it was just one of the many big mistakes of the movie, because that instantly made them two of the most important beings in the universe, who knew everything about and actually took part in the events leading up to the events in the original trilogy, which was completely contrary to their actual characters in the original trilogy. However, the need for including recognizable pre-existing characters that could be marketed got in the way of telling a good story. This make me worried about all the visibility afforded to Darth Vader in the hype run-up to the new movie. Darth Vader is DEAD, dammit.
posted by yhbc at 1:45 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Er, Chewbacca was not in the Phantom Menace. He was in Episodes 3,4,5,6.
In Revenge of the Sith, they just show him on Kashyyyk fighting with Yoda. So he fought on his homeworld in the Clone Wars and saw the betrayal of the Jedi by the Emperor, but he didn't necessarily know anything about Anakin/Vader and so on. No indication he ever met Obi-Wan or Anakin or anyone other than Yoda.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unless something happened in the Clone Wars tv show that invalidates my statement, only seen the movies.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:54 PM on November 9, 2015


Oh. Well, still!
posted by yhbc at 1:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


R2-D2 made up the whole story. He's Vader. He's Obi-Wan. He's the the emperor.

It never happened. You asked for a story, and he told you, effectively giving you a reason for why he was always there.

The greatest trick the devil played was convincing you he doesn't exist.

Wake up carbon units!
posted by clvrmnky at 1:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


The proliferation of "mind-blowing fan theories!" is getting quite of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 1:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Lego "Droid Tales" series actually plays on this some, as it has R2D2 for some reason carrying C3PO's memory all this time and only giving it back to him after Battle of Endor. Which is played as a joke there but is really pretty messed up if you think about it...
posted by thefoxgod at 2:03 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


No indication he [Chewie] ever met Obi-Wan or Anakin or anyone other than Yoda.

It is a little weird that he went from like 2nd in command of his planet's defenses to Assistant Smuggler in a few years.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:04 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Even I can't understand their logic at times.

So I had a relative die of lung cancer a few years ago. She'd smoked for decades. It was horrible, she was way too young, but you don't need Quincy to suss the cause of this one out, right?

Turns out there are members of the family who have a pet hypothesis that, because some mold was once found and removed in part of her house, that's what caused the cancer that killed her. They couldn't process the obvious and avoidable pointlessness of her early death, so they need something or someone else to divert them from that.

George Lucas created three pretty good, mostly cohesive space flicks that captured the imagination of at least two generations, then more or less took a break from filmmaking for a couple decades, then came back and made three more films in that universe that completely broke the backstory of the original films and introduced if-Galactus-were-goatse-sized plot holes.

The logic is that these fan theories are a coping mechanism. They're a way of taking a whole lot of heartache and turning it into something emotionally constructive so those fans aren't undone by the knowledge that no one and nothing in this world gets out alive. Okay, have a good week!
posted by middleclasstool at 2:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [21 favorites]


But can he store grain?
posted by nofundy at 2:22 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


"R2-D2 made up the whole story. He's Vader. He's Obi-Wan. He's the the emperor.

It never happened. You asked for a story, and he told you, effectively giving you a reason for why he was always there."

Wait... C3P0 is a known storyteller (See Jedi) and is usually with R2.... maybe.... maybe.... C3PO is secretly the mastermind....
posted by Jacen at 2:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]




Wake up carbon units meatbags!
posted by Guy Smiley at 3:05 PM on November 9, 2015


# of planets wiped out Grand Moff Tarkin for no reason at all: 1
# of planets wiped out by R2-D2 for no reason at all: 0

So, no, R2 is not the biggest scumbag in Star Wars.
posted by Frayed Knot at 3:07 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dude, R2 /let/ that happen. Or C3P0, if you subscribe to CRAZY ideas.
posted by clvrmnky at 3:16 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's drift, but upon a recent rewatching of Star Wars (I got Despecialized!), I realized something pretty egregious.

In SW, Ben is an old, eccentric hermit, dressed in raggedy robes. He does this, presumably, to blend in, so no one notices him, and certainly no one connects him to the no-doubt famous Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi. He moves around with impunity on Tantooine, even in Mos Eisley, where presumably at least some of the miscreants have seen a Jedi, or a picture of a Jedi, before. After all, they were the fancy space cops fighting for truth and justice for a thousand generations, so it's not like they were super-secret.

His outfit is utterly unremarkable. I'm sure he's even seen onboard the Death Star, which must have thousands of civilian contractors to run, but nobody gives a shit because he's unremarkable.

Then we get to TPM, and Lucas has decided the brown-and-white ensemble Ben wore for the first film is now the Jedi Uniform, which creates a huge problem. No way would Ben wander around in the iconic garb of the Jedi unnoticed on even a backwater world. I mean, kids in this universe probably play "Jedi". The Knights would be iconic. And Ben goes 20 years brazenly wearing his Jedi robes even though he knows he must be marked for death by Vader and the Emperor? Nah. It's Moar Lucas Bullshit -- just like including R2 and Chewie in the prequels.
posted by uberchet at 3:19 PM on November 9, 2015 [19 favorites]


"R2 why didn't you tell me you knew my father and he was Darth Vader?"

"Beep, splutter, bloop, whine"[you didn't ask]
posted by wabbittwax at 3:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


I don't care. I'm still wishing R2D2 a Merry Christmas.
posted by pashdown at 3:45 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


R2 didn't let that happen. Tarkin destroyed Alderaan after Leia told him where the rebel base was. He did it out of, I dunno, spite or something. R2's actions had nothing to do with it
posted by Frayed Knot at 3:49 PM on November 9, 2015


Meet Chopper, Grumpy Astromech Droid!
“If R2 is your favourite dog, Chopper is your cat.”
It may be a kind of Star Wars heresy to say it, but I prefer Chopper to R2D2.
posted by Fizz at 3:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm sure he's even seen onboard the Death Star, which must have thousands of civilian contractors temporary employees earning poverty wages to run, but nobody gives a shit because he's unremarkable.

This is the Empire after all.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:29 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


He did it out of, I dunno, spite or something.

Who do you think was Tarkin's mentor? It's is a known fact that the Grand Moff let loose a "WAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOO" upon returning to his quarters after the destruction of the planet.
posted by Apocryphon at 4:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why can't R2D2 talk? Like, a voice synthesizer chip is smaller than your pinkie fingernail and costs about 2 cents. Why couldn't they make R2D2 talk?
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:55 PM on November 9, 2015


The logic is that these fan theories are a coping mechanism. They're a way of taking a whole lot of heartache and turning it into something emotionally constructive so those fans aren't undone by the knowledge that no one and nothing in this world gets out alive. Okay, have a good week!

I'm sure that's it for some people, but overwhelmingly I think it's just that weird fan theories are simply fun, they're a kind of entertainment and collaborative community-based art form all their own with a low barrier of entry so tons of people can participate. The fictional world they're based in doesn't matter as long as it has enough loose threads and coincidences to hook into. All the stuff you see with, say, the Darth Darth Binks theory where you have people going OMG THIS WOULD REDEEM THE MOVIES is like 99% intentional hyperbole and getting into the spirit of the whole thing - even in the completely unlikely event that the theory was true it wouldn't make The Phantom Menace less shitty to watch and I think the huge majority of people who enjoy the theory 1) don't think it would really make the movies better if true and 2) don't think it's true in the first place.

For real I think more and more we'll see the popularity of fan theories solidify into a new and distinct kind of storytelling where the core story isn't really spelled out by anybody but the fans and there's no one interpretation - something where the initial worldbuilding might be the work of a creator or handful of creators intent on planting seeds, but the enjoyment of it is in what the fans do with it. Kind of like D&D without the gaming aspect in a way.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Why can't R2D2 talk? Like, a voice synthesizer chip is smaller than your pinkie fingernail and costs about 2 cents. Why couldn't they make R2D2 talk?

Why can people understand him anyways? That's always bugged me. Why does 3P0 even get brought along if people can just understand beep boop speak without him?
posted by jason_steakums at 5:00 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


R2, and almost all the other droids, are slaves, and it's played for laughs.

Same goes for the peasants in Hidden Fortress, oddly enough.
posted by happyroach at 5:01 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Why couldn't they make R2D2 talk?

People in the Star Wars universe usually don't think very highly of droids.
posted by drezdn at 5:14 PM on November 9, 2015


I like the Darth Darth Binks theory because it's a massive troll on people who take the badness of the prequels too seriously, and who would be appalled by it becoming true (something 100% would never happen). The reason why there's a proliferation of fan theories is because modern society has an ultra-atrophied attention span and people can't wait a few weeks for the movie to come out. This also explains a good chunk of A Song of Ice and Fire fandom.
posted by Apocryphon at 6:07 PM on November 9, 2015


Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a droid of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith
bloop bloop
bloop bloop
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:12 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


George Lucas created three pretty good, mostly cohesive space flicks that captured the imagination of at least two generations, then more or less took a break from filmmaking for a couple decades, then came back and made three more films in that universe that completely broke the backstory of the original films and introduced if-Galactus-were-goatse-sized plot holes

Not everything has to revolve around people hating the prequels! Pet theories aren't even exclusive to Star Wars. It just strikes me as fans trying to be clever, and more people eating it up.

There have always been tongue-in-cheek theories like Chewie being an Imperial spy, but no one insisted that it would totally blow your mind. But I guess the growth of social media and the influence of plot-twisty movies like Sixth Sense and Fight Club just encouraged it.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 7:09 PM on November 9, 2015


R2-D2 Beeped First.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:14 PM on November 9, 2015


Why can people understand him anyways? That's always bugged me. Why does 3P0 even get brought along if people can just understand beep boop speak without him?

Luke had a translator in his X-wing, but other than that, the human characters just inferred what Artoo said, the same as the audience. (The cartoons probably take more liberty with this.)

There are probably books that try to explain why droids like him talk in beeps and whistles, but the main reason was likely just that Lucas thought it was colorful and neat, and viewers surely wouldn't scrutinize the movie that much. That, and they were influenced by the robots in Silent Running, which didn't speak either.

As for Chopper, the only good thing about him is that BB-8 couldn't possibly be as obnoxious as he is.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 7:19 PM on November 9, 2015


All I know is that little astromech droid has a mouth like a sailor.

Well yeah, SF has a long tradition of spaceship=navy, but even worse, R2 is a mechanic and a sailor. It's no wonder they had to bleep every word he said.
posted by radwolf76 at 7:20 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


"It just strikes me as fans trying to be clever, and more people eating it up. "

I don't think that's true. It's more desperate fans who see SW fandom as key aspects of identity trying to make it Not Bullshit.

Also, SF matured a LOT in the years between the original trilogy and the prequels, but Lucas' expectation of narrative standards actually decayed. That's a really, really bad mismatch, but the groundwork for it is present in the original trilogy if you look with an even vaguely critical eye. He's always preferred a cool visual to something that actually made sense; we just didn't notice in 1977 because, for the most part, we were 7.
posted by uberchet at 8:31 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


drezdn: People in the Star Wars universe usually don't think very highly of droids.

"Well, if droids could think, there'd be none of us here, would there?" - totally not bigoted guy, Obi-Wan Kenobi
posted by brundlefly at 11:16 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


y2karl: "Deathstars Samizdata."

Jumps in his Jedi fighter and escapes as the Force allowed me to predict your attack.
posted by Samizdata at 11:20 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Fizz: "Meet Chopper, Grumpy Astromech Droid!
“If R2 is your favourite dog, Chopper is your cat.”
It may be a kind of Star Wars heresy to say it, but I prefer Chopper to R2D2.
"

You aren't the only one.
posted by Samizdata at 11:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Artoo doesn't necessary have to be bad, he could just be a lot more stupid than people think he is - loads of data but no actual comprehension. He is, technically, a semi-animate object.

Alternatively, it's possible that he's chattering on about all these things all the time, and those people who seem to understand him are just pretending, not really listening to what he's saying.

These can be the Moron and Cassandra theories of R2D2.
posted by Grangousier at 12:53 AM on November 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


"R2 why didn't you tell me you knew my father and he was Darth Vader?"

"Beep, splutter, bloop, whine"[you didn't ask]


I'm thinking it's more like:

"Beep, squeal, bloop, bloop, twitter, ching, whine" *shrug* [Frankly, I don't understand your biological methods of reproduction and all you meatbags look alike to me]
posted by nubs at 8:01 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


(Also... "it" not "he", FFS. Artoo isn't a bloke, it's a machine.)
posted by Grangousier at 8:01 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


...with, judging from the evidence, an extension of some inches which screws into a socket.
posted by y2karl at 8:04 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


To be fair, we don't actually know how R2 identifies, or what pronouns zhe prefers.
posted by uberchet at 8:05 AM on November 10, 2015


...with, judging from the evidence, an extension of some inches which screws into a socket.

Comes equipped for pegging, in other words?

Why are we expecting droid gender to be a binary thing? When C3P0 talks about being fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, he might be including various "languages of love".
posted by nubs at 8:09 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have it on good authority that R2D2 eloped. He's living on the outskirts of Detroit. It caused a minor scandal when his new bride was discovered to be a shop-vac, and R2 didn't find out until after the honeymoon. By then he didn't care.
posted by mule98J at 8:41 AM on November 10, 2015


Languages of love was always implied.
posted by drezdn at 8:50 AM on November 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


# of planets wiped out Grand Moff Tarkin for no reason at all: 1

Tarkin destroyed Alderaan after Leia told him where the rebel base was. He did it out of, I dunno, spite or something.

I don't find the reason all that bconfusing; it's not unlike the reasoning behind dropping atomic bombs on Japan in WW2. It was a huge display of force meant to scare the rebels into surrender. Only this time it was done by cartoonish bad guys.
posted by Hoopo at 9:57 AM on November 10, 2015


Languages of love was always implied.

Anakin really should have turned to him for advice, then, since its clear from Episode 2 that the Force was not with him when it came to that...
posted by thefoxgod at 2:00 PM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


What are you talking about? What young woman doesn't pine for a young man willing to compare her to sand?
posted by wabbittwax at 2:58 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


By now, we've all seen the image hinting that BB-8 is the love child of a death star and R2D2. But here's my guess for one of BB-8's parents.
posted by drezdn at 6:54 AM on November 12, 2015


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