Same as In Town
November 13, 2015 6:46 AM Subscribe
“I chose the phone call option, no rush, because that seemed like the most respectful way to do it, and also because I wanted to hear how the person from the The Breakup Shop would handle it. Sending an email or text is easy. What do you do when the other person talks back?”—I Paid This Company $30 to Break Up With My Girlfriend (SLVice)
Just to head off any rapid replies, the writer DID NOT ACTUALLY break up with his GF.
Anyway, I kind of disagree that paying for some stranger to get rid of your SO is less shitty than ghosting.
posted by selfnoise at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, I kind of disagree that paying for some stranger to get rid of your SO is less shitty than ghosting.
posted by selfnoise at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Making the calls is obviously kind of awkward, we don't really want to make the calls, but we also really want to up-sell people on the gift shop, so it does kind of help that way," Mackenzie said.
I hate doing the thing my company is designed to do, but it's the only way to upsell the "gift shop". This is 21st century innovation.
posted by Think_Long at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
I hate doing the thing my company is designed to do, but it's the only way to upsell the "gift shop". This is 21st century innovation.
posted by Think_Long at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
(I mean, they are both shitty, don't get me wrong)
posted by selfnoise at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by selfnoise at 6:56 AM on November 13, 2015
Talk about re-defining "spineless".
posted by Thorzdad at 6:57 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 6:57 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Do you have any specials today?"
Things that regulars say when asked about the gift shop.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:57 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Things that regulars say when asked about the gift shop.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:57 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I s2fg, if this had been a thing when I was single or dating someone for a lengthy period of time, I would be equal parts heartbroken (I don't matter enough for an actual person to person break-up?) and furious (I DON'T MATTER ENOUGH FOR A PERSON TO PERSON BREAK-UP!?!).
posted by Kitteh at 7:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 7:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
So it's a literal exit through the gift shop.
posted by jenkinsEar at 7:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [39 favorites]
posted by jenkinsEar at 7:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [39 favorites]
SPOILER ALERT: the writer had no intention of breaking up with his girlfriend, did it for #content, and warned her in advance.
Yay, content and free publicity for some boneheaded startup attempting to disrupt the asshole industry.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:02 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yay, content and free publicity for some boneheaded startup attempting to disrupt the asshole industry.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:02 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is like, a Tinder expansion pack.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 7:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [43 favorites]
How long until there is a version of this for telling your former partners you have an STD and they may also?
How long until that gets weaponized?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
How long until that gets weaponized?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:04 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Finally, The Breakup Shop ended the call by directing Angela to the website's online giftshop
Talk about an uphill sell.
posted by gottabefunky at 7:05 AM on November 13, 2015
Talk about an uphill sell.
posted by gottabefunky at 7:05 AM on November 13, 2015
Save money by paying someone from Taskrabbit 5 bucks to read Miko's excellent script instead. And hope they do a better job of it than griphus envisioned.
posted by bibliowench at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by bibliowench at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
I broke up with an (internet) girlfriend by leaving an ICQ message while she was away and then blocking her, so I try not to judge people too much for these things.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:09 AM on November 13, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:09 AM on November 13, 2015 [15 favorites]
~Finally, The Breakup Shop ended the call by directing Angela to the website's online giftshop
~Talk about an uphill sell.
Unless, y'know, the giftshop is full of gift-wrapped bags of shit or contract hitmen and stuff.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:11 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
~Talk about an uphill sell.
Unless, y'know, the giftshop is full of gift-wrapped bags of shit or contract hitmen and stuff.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:11 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
How long until there is a version of this for telling your former partners you have an STD and they may also?
Public Health Departments will do this for free. Hard to compete with free.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:14 AM on November 13, 2015 [17 favorites]
Public Health Departments will do this for free. Hard to compete with free.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:14 AM on November 13, 2015 [17 favorites]
"How long until there is a version of this for telling your former partners you have an STD and they may also?"
In my jurisdiction you have to give a list of former partners before you get to pee in the cup and they find out automatically. Yay socialized medicine!
posted by mikek at 7:15 AM on November 13, 2015
In my jurisdiction you have to give a list of former partners before you get to pee in the cup and they find out automatically. Yay socialized medicine!
posted by mikek at 7:15 AM on November 13, 2015
"People are already paying services like Tinder to get them in a relationship, why not pay a service to get you out of one"
uh no. Services like Tinder and OKC are used to meet people, they do not actually phone the person on their behalf to say, "hey X thought you were hot and paid us to phone you in their stead."
Sending an email or text is easy. What do you do when the other person talks back?
You look up the number of a therapist and when you go, you say these exact two sentences. The therapist will "talk back". You should listen to their direction, and then "talk back" in turn. Congratulations, you are now building a "therapeutic relationship" which, with any luck, will teach you how to fill the bottomless egotistical void that is your currently superficial soul.
posted by fraula at 7:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [9 favorites]
uh no. Services like Tinder and OKC are used to meet people, they do not actually phone the person on their behalf to say, "hey X thought you were hot and paid us to phone you in their stead."
Sending an email or text is easy. What do you do when the other person talks back?
You look up the number of a therapist and when you go, you say these exact two sentences. The therapist will "talk back". You should listen to their direction, and then "talk back" in turn. Congratulations, you are now building a "therapeutic relationship" which, with any luck, will teach you how to fill the bottomless egotistical void that is your currently superficial soul.
posted by fraula at 7:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [9 favorites]
Man, whether or not you think the whole concept of this is shitty (it is), that call is shitty quality. If you're going to offer this service, at least do it vaguely well, don't call the person, tell them you're from the Breakup Shop, tell them that their boyfriend bought a breakup and *then* go into the polite, pseudo-sensitive language about how you're sorry to have to tell them this, but you're calling to break up with them.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:16 AM on November 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 7:16 AM on November 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
Ok, so how this is currently implemented is completely terrible and awful. BUT I kind of like the idea of a breakup service for people in abusive relationships. It could be like a full service package, they notify the person that you will no longer be seeing them, that any attempts at contact will be processed through them, and if any direct contact is made they will contact the police etc.
Then on the other side they could also offer counseling services and support as needed!
I'm sure there's already a NFP that does something similar to this, and if there's not, there should be.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:17 AM on November 13, 2015 [33 favorites]
Then on the other side they could also offer counseling services and support as needed!
I'm sure there's already a NFP that does something similar to this, and if there's not, there should be.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:17 AM on November 13, 2015 [33 favorites]
This Mackenzie guy is already the start to the next Will Smith rom com vehicle.
He changed the rules of dating with his new app. She was a venture capitalist, but wasn't ready to invest. This summer, he learns that the only industry he was disrupting . . . was his heart.
Coming July 2016, Will Smith is . . . the Brkuppr.
posted by Think_Long at 7:19 AM on November 13, 2015 [26 favorites]
He changed the rules of dating with his new app. She was a venture capitalist, but wasn't ready to invest. This summer, he learns that the only industry he was disrupting . . . was his heart.
Coming July 2016, Will Smith is . . . the Brkuppr.
posted by Think_Long at 7:19 AM on November 13, 2015 [26 favorites]
The real problem with this is that the gifts are so lame. If you're going to Robo-dial My Heartache(c), you better offer me some cool shit like a bottle of Knob Creek Smoked Maple Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon, a coupon for artisanal porn, and a stealth drone with a decent payload ratio. You want to be the fucking Skymaul for Gutless Douchebags(TM), you better offer up the goods or GTFO.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:21 AM on November 13, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:21 AM on November 13, 2015 [34 favorites]
This seems as bad as the Peeple app.
Hey, people who think this is a good idea - just because a service is available doesn't make it a good idea or an okay thing to do. As a person who got a breakup email after five months of dating, I'll tell you if you're not mature enough to break up with someone face to face then you're not mature enough to date. Sorry to be blunt. Maybe take the time you would normally spend on dating to work on whatever it is within you that prevents you from treating another human being with the respect they deserve. Then you can give it a try. Until then, please spare the rest of us.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:23 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Hey, people who think this is a good idea - just because a service is available doesn't make it a good idea or an okay thing to do. As a person who got a breakup email after five months of dating, I'll tell you if you're not mature enough to break up with someone face to face then you're not mature enough to date. Sorry to be blunt. Maybe take the time you would normally spend on dating to work on whatever it is within you that prevents you from treating another human being with the respect they deserve. Then you can give it a try. Until then, please spare the rest of us.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:23 AM on November 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
The whole concept is just wrong.
What would make it right is doing it like Uber. You could call the service Över. You would pay someone ten bucks a call to go over to the someone's house with some flowers (or a six pack) and say things like "It's not you, it's me". Later on the person being broken up with could rate the break-up experience in order to maintain quality control. There's a lot of money to be made in the as yet unmonetized sadness industry.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 7:24 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
What would make it right is doing it like Uber. You could call the service Över. You would pay someone ten bucks a call to go over to the someone's house with some flowers (or a six pack) and say things like "It's not you, it's me". Later on the person being broken up with could rate the break-up experience in order to maintain quality control. There's a lot of money to be made in the as yet unmonetized sadness industry.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 7:24 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
"I'm just doing it for the #content."
See, I'm hoping that she was already planning on breaking up with him, but had been worried about hurting him, but this pushed her over the edge, gave her the final pretext, and possibly even the method.
haha
posted by benito.strauss at 7:27 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
See, I'm hoping that she was already planning on breaking up with him, but had been worried about hurting him, but this pushed her over the edge, gave her the final pretext, and possibly even the method.
haha
posted by benito.strauss at 7:27 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe their Canadianness makes the call too polite. Like, if I'm outsourcing my emotional tasks, I want it to be done with passion. I want my breakupper to shout, cry, beg for her back, scream again, and maybe sprinkle in some Polish swearwords or something.
posted by Think_Long at 7:29 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 7:29 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well. Putting a value on emotional labor... perhaps not what I had personally envisioned.
posted by underflow at 7:31 AM on November 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by underflow at 7:31 AM on November 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
Think_Long: Coming July 2016, Will Smith is . . . the Brkuppr.
She was dating a spineless jerk, he was the guy hired by that jerk to dump her. Except he was bad with goodbyes.
"Sally, that guy was never good enough for you. You're smart, sweet, and have a great sense of comedic timing. I was paid to end your relationship with him, but I'm going to have to return the money, because ... I'm in love with you!"
"Uh, who are you, and how did you get my phone number? And how do you know about what I wear?"
"Oh, I always forget that part. I'm Steve, and I'm calling on behalf of your soon-to-be former boyfriend, Gary. He thinks you're a great lady, but he's afraid you don't have as much in common as he had hoped, so he's dumping you. Well, I'm dumping you for him. But back to what I was saying ..."
*Click*
posted by filthy light thief at 7:31 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
She was dating a spineless jerk, he was the guy hired by that jerk to dump her. Except he was bad with goodbyes.
"Sally, that guy was never good enough for you. You're smart, sweet, and have a great sense of comedic timing. I was paid to end your relationship with him, but I'm going to have to return the money, because ... I'm in love with you!"
"Uh, who are you, and how did you get my phone number? And how do you know about what I wear?"
"Oh, I always forget that part. I'm Steve, and I'm calling on behalf of your soon-to-be former boyfriend, Gary. He thinks you're a great lady, but he's afraid you don't have as much in common as he had hoped, so he's dumping you. Well, I'm dumping you for him. But back to what I was saying ..."
*Click*
posted by filthy light thief at 7:31 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
The real flaw in this service is that as soon as they get off the phone (/text/whatever) with the service, your ex is going to be calling you to demand a real explanation. You're still going to have the discussion, they're just going to be angered in advance. This would only be useful if you immediately change your phone number.
posted by possibilityleft at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by possibilityleft at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2015 [23 favorites]
ghosting explained (well, because I had to go look it up)
posted by stevil at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by stevil at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2015
Mackenzie told me that he got the idea for The Breakup Shop when he was "ghosted" by a girl he was seeing casually, meaning she never properly broke up with him. She just stopped communicating until he got the hint.
I'm pretty sure I know why!
posted by biogeo at 7:34 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm pretty sure I know why!
posted by biogeo at 7:34 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think what grosses me out is that, instead of trying to make the call minimally upsetting for the dumpee, they are using the dumper's reasons for dumping as a form of relationship metrics and urging her to improve her performance. "Try doing more dishes and wanting fewer diamonds, and maybe your next relationship will be more successful!" Vomit.
They should use the call as a chance to trash the dumper. "Dude kept whining about video games, so it seems like you are way better off, he's a trash human. You are WAY better off. For $20, we can call him back and tell him what a spineless weasel you think he is. Oh, and we sell that knife rack where you get to stab a little dude in our store, and we can photoshop your ex's face on it if you'd be into that."
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:35 AM on November 13, 2015 [62 favorites]
They should use the call as a chance to trash the dumper. "Dude kept whining about video games, so it seems like you are way better off, he's a trash human. You are WAY better off. For $20, we can call him back and tell him what a spineless weasel you think he is. Oh, and we sell that knife rack where you get to stab a little dude in our store, and we can photoshop your ex's face on it if you'd be into that."
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:35 AM on November 13, 2015 [62 favorites]
8s0U8sME
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:36 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:36 AM on November 13, 2015
"and maybe sprinkle in some Polish swearwords or something."
posted by Think_Long
Kurwa! ty mnie zdradzila! Ona zwykla kurwa nic wiecej!
(I have probably made a mistake, but something like that should do it. Bastardised from here.)
posted by marienbad at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Think_Long
Kurwa! ty mnie zdradzila! Ona zwykla kurwa nic wiecej!
(I have probably made a mistake, but something like that should do it. Bastardised from here.)
posted by marienbad at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Makes me think of a Ben Lerner poem (untitled, from his book The Lichtenberg Figures) that always gets my students all pissed off and up in arms:
You say "ablution," I say "ablation."
You say "gloaming," I say "crepuscule."
You say "organ of excretion," I say "organ of copulation."
You say "forget-me-not," I say "scorpion grass."
While you were at tennis camp, I was finger-banged
by a six-fingered man. I replaced your dead goldfish
with another dead goldfish. I put your dad in a headlock
and your mom in a home. I ate your juicy motherfucking plums.
Irreconcilable differences:you disliked the Richter show.
Your gait is characterized by an exaggerated flexion of the knee.
I really don't want to do this over the phone.
But I also never want to see you again.
So I paid Ben Lerner to write you this poem
in a language that was easy to understand.
posted by dersins at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [50 favorites]
You say "ablution," I say "ablation."
You say "gloaming," I say "crepuscule."
You say "organ of excretion," I say "organ of copulation."
You say "forget-me-not," I say "scorpion grass."
While you were at tennis camp, I was finger-banged
by a six-fingered man. I replaced your dead goldfish
with another dead goldfish. I put your dad in a headlock
and your mom in a home. I ate your juicy motherfucking plums.
Irreconcilable differences:you disliked the Richter show.
Your gait is characterized by an exaggerated flexion of the knee.
I really don't want to do this over the phone.
But I also never want to see you again.
So I paid Ben Lerner to write you this poem
in a language that was easy to understand.
posted by dersins at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [50 favorites]
Do they have a bulk discount if you want to break up with all of humanity?
posted by srboisvert at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
Hi, this is a startup offering to write your pithy insightful commentary in your community weblog while you're writhing painfully on the floor with anger and disgust at the arrogant entitlement of trendy "startups". Kindly leave a favourite to help calm down.
posted by infini at 7:42 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by infini at 7:42 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's a scam. I don't feel any better.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:44 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:44 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
A company should offer a service composing and producing full-length break-up operas.
I feel like if you received a performance of one you couldn't even be mad.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:47 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel like if you received a performance of one you couldn't even be mad.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:47 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why would he have them call his girlfriend? Even fake, it sounds like a crappy experience for her, just for his #content. And looking at those texts it sounds like he didn't even discuss it with her, just said he would do it. Couldn't he have arranged it so that they would call him?
posted by blub at 7:50 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by blub at 7:50 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
From the phone call recording, it seems like this company is their brilliant attempt to monetize negging. "If we make the hu-man fe-male feel bad about her failures in her failed relationship, she will trust us and spend all of her gold-pressed latinum in our shop!"
(Ever since I read this, in my head all PUAs are Ferengi. N.B., link contains descriptions of street harassment.)
posted by biogeo at 7:52 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
(Ever since I read this, in my head all PUAs are Ferengi. N.B., link contains descriptions of street harassment.)
posted by biogeo at 7:52 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
> Couldn't he have arranged it so that they would call him?
That would have been better #content. Call one in on yourself, and when you get the call, act distraught verging on suicidal. Tell us how Mackenzie and Evan Lastnamewithheld deal with that.
posted by benito.strauss at 7:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
That would have been better #content. Call one in on yourself, and when you get the call, act distraught verging on suicidal. Tell us how Mackenzie and Evan Lastnamewithheld deal with that.
posted by benito.strauss at 7:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I Paid This Company $30 to Break Up with My Girlfriend... First of all, to be clear, I'm not really breaking up with my girlfriend, Angela.
Ah, so the headline was a clickbait lie. This is where I stopped reading.
posted by splitpeasoup at 7:57 AM on November 13, 2015
Ah, so the headline was a clickbait lie. This is where I stopped reading.
posted by splitpeasoup at 7:57 AM on November 13, 2015
That writer is a total dumbass. If you are going to fake break up with your girlfriend (PRO TIP: don't!), give them fake reasons.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:59 AM on November 13, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:59 AM on November 13, 2015 [16 favorites]
How long until that gets weaponized?
I think that occurred when the FPP was posted, actually.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:06 AM on November 13, 2015
I think that occurred when the FPP was posted, actually.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:06 AM on November 13, 2015
My first girlfriend handed me a letter and told me to not read it until I was on the train when she dropped me off at the station...and that was still a much kinder way to get dumped than this would be. C'mon, people.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:08 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:08 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think the real service they should provide is: after taking your money and promising to call your SO, they give you a call and explain why what you just tried to do is wrong wrong wrong.
posted by cubby at 8:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by cubby at 8:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
ob: "Interesting, but I still think semaphore is the way to go with these things."
Ah, a Jane Austen fan.
posted by boo_radley at 8:16 AM on November 13, 2015
Ah, a Jane Austen fan.
posted by boo_radley at 8:16 AM on November 13, 2015
How long until that gets weaponized?
*heaving shudder*
Now I'm thinking of all the Gamergators over on Reddit and 8chan, and how much fun they'd have punishing each other's ex-girlfriends for their new relationships & newfound happiness by pranking them with a breakup call.
posted by duffell at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2015
*heaving shudder*
Now I'm thinking of all the Gamergators over on Reddit and 8chan, and how much fun they'd have punishing each other's ex-girlfriends for their new relationships & newfound happiness by pranking them with a breakup call.
posted by duffell at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2015
Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just pay 30 bucks, Chuck
And hit the gift store, schmuck
posted by nubs at 8:25 AM on November 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just pay 30 bucks, Chuck
And hit the gift store, schmuck
posted by nubs at 8:25 AM on November 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm going to pre-emptively break up with people I haven't started dating yet.
posted by ian1977 at 8:27 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 8:27 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
NO this is too funny
"Looks like you've been pressuring him into some marriage"
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:29 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Looks like you've been pressuring him into some marriage"
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:29 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
The real flaw in this service is that as soon as they get off the phone (/text/whatever) with the service, your ex is going to be calling you to demand a real explanation.
That was my first thought too. I took the coward's way out once and broke up with someone over email. Trust me, the conversation we had after she showed up at my apartment the next day demanding a real explanation was far more awkward and uncomfortable than if I had simply acted like a decent, mature human being and broken up with her properly in the first place.
If I received a call (or email or text) like this the first thought I would have is that it was a prank. I can't imagine anyone receiving contact from this service service and just saying, "Well, I guess that's over. Ok then, moving on...".
posted by The Gooch at 8:33 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
That was my first thought too. I took the coward's way out once and broke up with someone over email. Trust me, the conversation we had after she showed up at my apartment the next day demanding a real explanation was far more awkward and uncomfortable than if I had simply acted like a decent, mature human being and broken up with her properly in the first place.
If I received a call (or email or text) like this the first thought I would have is that it was a prank. I can't imagine anyone receiving contact from this service service and just saying, "Well, I guess that's over. Ok then, moving on...".
posted by The Gooch at 8:33 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Hello Cortex, this is the breakup shop. User AugustWest is wanting to close his account. As a parting gift for the meta flameout, here is a $20 (SAIT) gift cert to our breakup shop."
posted by AugustWest at 8:36 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 8:36 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wait until this outfit goes under and auctions the customer list (mostly people with enough money but no spine)…and the target list (consisting of people with hurt feelings and a longing for a face to punch).
Yikes, it'll make List #1 people sigh longingly for an envelope full of glitter.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:37 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yikes, it'll make List #1 people sigh longingly for an envelope full of glitter.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:37 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ah, so the headline was a clickbait lie. This is where I stopped reading.
You say "I stopped reading" I say "I prefer to check the actual content before disregarding"
I was fingerbanged by a seven fingered woman.
posted by josher71 at 8:48 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
You say "I stopped reading" I say "I prefer to check the actual content before disregarding"
I was fingerbanged by a seven fingered woman.
posted by josher71 at 8:48 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I kind of like the idea of a breakup service for people in abusive relationships.
Wow, there's a thought... a shelter that offers, as part of its help services, to hire someone to send a breakup email or phone call to your ex (probably email, so there's a record that they've been informed "It's over, dude."). I suspect this service would crash & burn quickly if it started getting orders for phone calls sent to abusive violent men.
"My soon-to-be ex is currently out on bail, so he'll be available by phone until the end of the week at least; I'm breaking up with him because I'm tired of getting beaten after he goes out drinking with his buddies, and I'm not waiting around while he serves time for street racing and crashing into a 7-11 and trying to steal beer on his way out. I'm hiring you to do this because he's 6'2, 250 lbs, former linebacker, and every time I've brought up that I don't like him playing grab-ass with random women on the street, I get a black eye for my trouble. So I'm outa here--no forwarding address; this phone number will be shut off in a few days, and you can tell him he's not man enough to keep a girlfriend."
I'd like to see an experiment running in a different gender direction--if she had been a he, half of a gay couple, mentioning exactly the same things, would they have told "him" to stop pressuring for marriage?
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:52 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wow, there's a thought... a shelter that offers, as part of its help services, to hire someone to send a breakup email or phone call to your ex (probably email, so there's a record that they've been informed "It's over, dude."). I suspect this service would crash & burn quickly if it started getting orders for phone calls sent to abusive violent men.
"My soon-to-be ex is currently out on bail, so he'll be available by phone until the end of the week at least; I'm breaking up with him because I'm tired of getting beaten after he goes out drinking with his buddies, and I'm not waiting around while he serves time for street racing and crashing into a 7-11 and trying to steal beer on his way out. I'm hiring you to do this because he's 6'2, 250 lbs, former linebacker, and every time I've brought up that I don't like him playing grab-ass with random women on the street, I get a black eye for my trouble. So I'm outa here--no forwarding address; this phone number will be shut off in a few days, and you can tell him he's not man enough to keep a girlfriend."
I'd like to see an experiment running in a different gender direction--if she had been a he, half of a gay couple, mentioning exactly the same things, would they have told "him" to stop pressuring for marriage?
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:52 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
He paid me $30 to tell you he's breaking up with you. If you give me $30 I'll tell him you said to go fuck himself.
posted by mule98J at 9:05 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by mule98J at 9:05 AM on November 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
Has anyone tried "Siri, break up with my girlfriend" to see how Siri fields the request?
I think an email or text exchange breaking up could be an interesting variation on the Turing test. How many messages can ping back and forth before the person being dumped figures out that they are talking to some algorithms and not their former beloved? Computers are better at repeating "No, I mean it; it's over" without losing their minds.
posted by puddledork at 9:15 AM on November 13, 2015
I think an email or text exchange breaking up could be an interesting variation on the Turing test. How many messages can ping back and forth before the person being dumped figures out that they are talking to some algorithms and not their former beloved? Computers are better at repeating "No, I mean it; it's over" without losing their minds.
posted by puddledork at 9:15 AM on November 13, 2015
I'm not worried about this succeeding because it won't. There aren't enough people stupid enough to use the service to keep something like this afloat, and the idea that someone would go to that shop is just too absurd to even fathom. I just checked, and Amazon appears to have The Notebook Blu Ray for $7.99, and Call of Duty Ghosts for $17.78 for the X-Bone and $14.99 for the PS4. They're charging like $10 above even the list prices for everything, including the gift cards. Nobody is going to pay a $10+ surcharge for the privilege of buying easily obtainable stuff from assholes.
It is kind of funny that not one but TWO adult humans thought it was a good idea, though, so that's a plus.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
It is kind of funny that not one but TWO adult humans thought it was a good idea, though, so that's a plus.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:15 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer sending a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet from FTD with a card reading "You're dead weight. I'm cutting you loose."
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:16 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:16 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not worried about this succeeding because it won't
I'm not either, but I'm trying to place it on the Bad Idea Scale for Startups and I'm just curious where others would rank it between 1 and Peeple.
posted by nubs at 9:21 AM on November 13, 2015
I'm not either, but I'm trying to place it on the Bad Idea Scale for Startups and I'm just curious where others would rank it between 1 and Peeple.
posted by nubs at 9:21 AM on November 13, 2015
I wonder how long it'll take for the first slander lawsuit to hit them--if they're making extrapolations from what they've been told, they're making statements about the ex.
"He said you spend too much time and energy on makeup": true. "He's tired of being pressured into marriage": false--in a way that, if she believed it and told other people, could seriously damage his reputation.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 9:21 AM on November 13, 2015
"He said you spend too much time and energy on makeup": true. "He's tired of being pressured into marriage": false--in a way that, if she believed it and told other people, could seriously damage his reputation.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 9:21 AM on November 13, 2015
I'm breaking up with you..oh, could you lend me $30?
posted by judson at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by judson at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2015
siri said: "I don't know how to respond to that."
Which is code for "What an asshole!"
posted by valkane at 9:28 AM on November 13, 2015
Which is code for "What an asshole!"
posted by valkane at 9:28 AM on November 13, 2015
It's Raining Florence Henderson: "It's a scam. I don't feel any better."
Because, YOU provided the favorite. You needed to buy the favorite at the FeelBetterBecauseYouAreAFailure gift shop.
posted by Samizdata at 9:53 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Because, YOU provided the favorite. You needed to buy the favorite at the FeelBetterBecauseYouAreAFailure gift shop.
posted by Samizdata at 9:53 AM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Hey, I've enjoyed getting to know you over these past few Days/Weeks/Months but I don't see our relationship headed toward something that suits my needs in the long term. I wish you the best in the future, and hope we can keep things cordial if we run into each other in the future."
Save your $30 bucks, I designed and refined this myself over a year of dating on Tinder. It works perfectly every time. You are not obligated to heal the breakupee's feelings, you are only obligated to break up with them in a clear, kind way.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 9:55 AM on November 13, 2015
Save your $30 bucks, I designed and refined this myself over a year of dating on Tinder. It works perfectly every time. You are not obligated to heal the breakupee's feelings, you are only obligated to break up with them in a clear, kind way.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 9:55 AM on November 13, 2015
Hey, Cortana! Break up with my girlfriend.
I only did it for SCIENCE! I don't have an SO.
posted by Samizdata at 9:57 AM on November 13, 2015
I only did it for SCIENCE! I don't have an SO.
posted by Samizdata at 9:57 AM on November 13, 2015
Or you could do like my ex and become such an emotionally distant liar that you force your girlfriend to break up with you. Free!
posted by the_blizz at 9:59 AM on November 13, 2015
posted by the_blizz at 9:59 AM on November 13, 2015
ghosting explained (well, because I had to go look it up)
posted by stevil at 10:32 AM on November 13 [+] [!]
I followed the link to make sure that I fully grasped the context. From that link:
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by stevil at 10:32 AM on November 13 [+] [!]
I followed the link to make sure that I fully grasped the context. From that link:
Elena Scotti, 27, a senior photo editor and illustrator at Fusion, the media company, has also been a victim of ghosting. She once flew to Chicago to attend Lollapalooza and spend time with a man she had fallen for while studying abroad. “We were inseparable,” Ms. Scotti said. “I was talking to him every day and sleeping in the same bed with him for six months.”Emphasis and dazed expression mine. It would make a memorable AskMe, from any of the three parties involved.
After the one date in Chicago: crickets. “He fell off the face of the planet,” said Ms. Scotti, who didn’t see him again until he moved into her building in Brooklyn with his girlfriend three years later. The silent treatment continued, Ms. Scotti’s former flame ignoring her even as they passed each other in the hallway.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:00 AM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Robo-dial My Heartache(c)
My favorite entry in the burgeoning new field of techno-country, though She hates my truck's bluetooth is pretty good too.
Has anyone tried "Siri, break up with my girlfriend" to see how Siri fields the request?
I just did and she told me "I'm going to tell your wife, you scum."
this did not actually happen
posted by phearlez at 10:45 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
My favorite entry in the burgeoning new field of techno-country, though She hates my truck's bluetooth is pretty good too.
Has anyone tried "Siri, break up with my girlfriend" to see how Siri fields the request?
I just did and she told me "I'm going to tell your wife, you scum."
this did not actually happen
posted by phearlez at 10:45 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hmm. I just told Cortana to break up with Siri for me, and my phone began to vibrate suggestively. What have I started?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not worried about this succeeding because it won't. There aren't enough people stupid enough to use the service to keep something like this afloat
Two words: Singin' Fish.
Don't forget: The dumbest 1% of the USA is still over Three Million People.
posted by Wild_Eep at 10:55 AM on November 13, 2015
Two words: Singin' Fish.
Don't forget: The dumbest 1% of the USA is still over Three Million People.
posted by Wild_Eep at 10:55 AM on November 13, 2015
This Mackenzie guy is already the start to the next Will Smith rom com vehicle.
He changed the rules of dating with his new app. She was a venture capitalist, but wasn't ready to invest. This summer, he learns that the only industry he was disrupting . . . was his heart.
Coming July 2016, Will Smith is . . . the Brkuppr.
You just HAD to pull that cork out of the bottle, didn't you? Yeah, no, good luck getting that thing back in there now....
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 11:18 AM on November 13, 2015
He changed the rules of dating with his new app. She was a venture capitalist, but wasn't ready to invest. This summer, he learns that the only industry he was disrupting . . . was his heart.
Coming July 2016, Will Smith is . . . the Brkuppr.
You just HAD to pull that cork out of the bottle, didn't you? Yeah, no, good luck getting that thing back in there now....
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 11:18 AM on November 13, 2015
This is the techbroest thing I can imagine, really. "If only I didn't have to handle this breakup so I could focus on bro-ing down and crushing code."
As a freelance writer I've been approached by companies that want me to basically play Cyrano De Bergerac for their dating clients, basically logging into their OKCupid and pretending to be them to pick and woo women (it's always women) and then arrange the first date, so don't think that isn't happening, either.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:38 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
As a freelance writer I've been approached by companies that want me to basically play Cyrano De Bergerac for their dating clients, basically logging into their OKCupid and pretending to be them to pick and woo women (it's always women) and then arrange the first date, so don't think that isn't happening, either.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:38 AM on November 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ghostride, if you ignored the sickening ethical implications, taking that job would make for a seriously interesting article.
posted by Think_Long at 11:54 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Think_Long at 11:54 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wait, what? Companies are straight -up outsourcing their employees' online dating? What brave new world is this that has such horrors in it?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
a 30$ pissant little phone call is clearly the bargain-basement option. I would assume that for a premium price, this company will dispatch a certified hypnotist to fully scrub your relationship from the memory of your former lover.
posted by mrjohnmuller at 12:04 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mrjohnmuller at 12:04 PM on November 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Naw, full price is where you give them a list of your inadequacies and they send someone who is better than you in every way to seduce your SO so that you can dump them in any manner you see fit and they don't care.
posted by XMLicious at 12:21 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 12:21 PM on November 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't forget: The dumbest 1% of the USA is still over Three Million People.
Okay, NOW I'm going to go huddle in the corner and cry softly, rocking back and forth.
posted by duffell at 1:01 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, NOW I'm going to go huddle in the corner and cry softly, rocking back and forth.
posted by duffell at 1:01 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
How long until there is a version of this for telling your former partners you have an STD and they may also?
I say singing telegram is the way to go for this.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:54 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I say singing telegram is the way to go for this.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:54 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Here's a Vice article on using assistants to handle your online love life.
The ones I've been recruited for are basically going in with their criteria, finding matches for them, hitting up and wooing the women until they agree to an in-person, then making the handoff.
I was tempted but also that seems like bad juju and is one of my few ethical lines.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:10 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
The ones I've been recruited for are basically going in with their criteria, finding matches for them, hitting up and wooing the women until they agree to an in-person, then making the handoff.
I was tempted but also that seems like bad juju and is one of my few ethical lines.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:10 PM on November 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
.Wait, what? Companies are straight -up outsourcing their employees' online dating?
No. These are matchmaking companies where someone is paying to find a date/partner - the matchmaking service is outsourcing the online dating steps for their *client*, not employee.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:21 PM on November 13, 2015
No. These are matchmaking companies where someone is paying to find a date/partner - the matchmaking service is outsourcing the online dating steps for their *client*, not employee.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:21 PM on November 13, 2015
First of all, to be clear, I'm not really breaking up with my girlfriend, Angela.
Oh, you did.
posted by ojemine at 4:01 AM on November 14, 2015
Oh, you did.
posted by ojemine at 4:01 AM on November 14, 2015
I'm already thinking about ways to use this service. For example, if I have a friend whose boyfriend is a complete tool, and I want them to break up so that I don't have to ever deal with him again, what's to stop me from calling the service posing as her and asking the service to break up with him, citing specific details about their relationship that, even if they end up figuring out that the breakup was essentially the relationship version of swatting, would still lead to a fight that might cause an actual breakup?
Or posing as the girlfriend of the boy I have a secret crush on and having the service break up with him so that I can swoop in and be his shoulder to cry on and then he falls into my arms and we end up together as the music swells in the background and it becomes clear that he should have always been with me and not her in the first place.
(In other news, I'm writing a rom-com screenplay called The Breakup Shop. I'm going to ask John Cusack and Jennifer Aniston to read for the leads.)
posted by decathecting at 5:14 PM on November 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or posing as the girlfriend of the boy I have a secret crush on and having the service break up with him so that I can swoop in and be his shoulder to cry on and then he falls into my arms and we end up together as the music swells in the background and it becomes clear that he should have always been with me and not her in the first place.
(In other news, I'm writing a rom-com screenplay called The Breakup Shop. I'm going to ask John Cusack and Jennifer Aniston to read for the leads.)
posted by decathecting at 5:14 PM on November 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was tempted but also that seems like bad juju and is one of my few ethical lines.
Where is the line here? Would you be OK with trolling the dating sites looking for compatible matches for a client? What if you were asked to send only the first message?
posted by wierdo at 5:25 PM on November 14, 2015
Where is the line here? Would you be OK with trolling the dating sites looking for compatible matches for a client? What if you were asked to send only the first message?
posted by wierdo at 5:25 PM on November 14, 2015
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posted by ob at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2015 [5 favorites]