MY CRUSHES (Secret Group)
December 11, 2015 12:55 PM Subscribe
What happens when you put all the people you have a crush on in the same secret Facebook group? Nobody gets mad, only one person leaves, you get a glimpse of what it's like to live Tina Belcher's best life, and you wind up owing them all Taco Bell.
Here were my crushes, all together, interacting with me, of all people. It was as if the Newsfeed didn't exist. It was just me and my crushes, hurtling through the universe together in a stream of conversations about what everyone was doing each weekend.
I was expecting this to be a little silly, but found it surprisingly interesting and kind of touching. I guess I don't spend a lot of time of Facebook, but I didn't realize until I was in the article that the crushes would see the group and know they were in it (I thought it meant she, like, grouped them together in her feed or something). The way the crushes interacted kind of reminds me of MetaFilter; a small subgroup of people who are able to post about things that interest them and discuss it with a little guidance from an organizer. A more intimate and friendly version of the wider web or Facebook.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 1:27 PM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 1:27 PM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I love this! I wonder how my husband would feel if I did this? Maybe I should start a group and invite him and find out?
posted by Jubey at 1:33 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:33 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Interesting. Maybe this is just me and the shape of my particular hangups, but there's this dramatic difference between how I would respond if somebody suggested I create a Facebook group for all the people I have had a crush on ("Oh My God No") and how I would respond if I was invited to such a group started by somebody else ("Sure! Why not?")
Something to chew on, anyway.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 1:47 PM on December 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
Something to chew on, anyway.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 1:47 PM on December 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
that horrible feeling when you realize creating a group for all your crushes would involve putting together people who explicitly never want to see each other again.
posted by egypturnash at 1:52 PM on December 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by egypturnash at 1:52 PM on December 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, this is another tally on the, "why facebook can have disastrous consequences for your REAL social life." column.
Move along, these are not the crushes you.are looking for.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 2:09 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Move along, these are not the crushes you.are looking for.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 2:09 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
While I can see this working for a 24-year-old writer, I can't see it working for those with the mindset of a 30-year-old or older.
posted by infinitewindow at 2:20 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 2:20 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
As a person who is over 30 years old, I basically have what could have earlier in my life been termed "a crush" on basically anybody I can stand to spend time with socially, so it probably wouldn't change my feed too much to be honest.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:25 PM on December 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:25 PM on December 11, 2015 [29 favorites]
Something about this just feels wrong to me, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. I think that the kernel of it is that, for me, part of the whole having-a-crush experience is the fact that the crush doesn't know about it and you'd be mortified if they found out. (Unless it turned out to be reciprocal, the fantasy of which is what makes crushes exciting in the first place.)
Going "You're my crush, and you're my crush, and *you're* my crush!" just seems like an exercise in compliment-fishing, and it seems like forcibly putting other people in the position of either having to give you an ego boost or having to insult you, when they may not want to do either.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:47 PM on December 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
Going "You're my crush, and you're my crush, and *you're* my crush!" just seems like an exercise in compliment-fishing, and it seems like forcibly putting other people in the position of either having to give you an ego boost or having to insult you, when they may not want to do either.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:47 PM on December 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
I was enjoying it in an "Aww, early twenties" sort of way, until it folded back in on itself like a black hole:
They even had the gall to promote their improv shows.
posted by supercres at 2:58 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
They even had the gall to promote their improv shows.
posted by supercres at 2:58 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
an exercise in compliment-fishing
So... social media.
posted by supercres at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2015
So... social media.
posted by supercres at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2015
"Crush" doesn't even slightly look like a word anymore.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I thought I was up to date on all the "cultures" that have been declared to exist out there but this is the first I've heard of "thirst culture" (or a "thirst selfie").
posted by edheil at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by edheil at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
This gives me a bad feeling. In my opinion, the definition of a crush is that it is an infatuation not with an actual person, but with one's personal idealised image of that person; an imaginary person bearing their name and likeness. As such, publicly attaching this innocent third party's name to the crush seems like the height of bad manners. Leave them out of it; they didn't do anything to incur your attention.
posted by acb at 3:22 PM on December 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by acb at 3:22 PM on December 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Hey, remember that period in Metafilter history after open sign-ups but before the $5 membership fee, when you basically had to be invited in or something? What if... what if that was mathowie's secret crush group?
posted by mhum at 3:23 PM on December 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by mhum at 3:23 PM on December 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
Here's the problem with it -- the problem is this is the low-stakes, easymode version of the experiment:
and 2) no work-related crushes because, you know, boundaries.
MEDIOCRE!
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:36 PM on December 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
and 2) no work-related crushes because, you know, boundaries.
MEDIOCRE!
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:36 PM on December 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
individual level: a little weird but if you've got personality and internet presence, you could pull it off. writer seems like she's got it in spades
group level: like a cool way to engage with people on Facebook that isn't just catapulting data into a sea of faces and hoping it lands somewhere. reminds me of the old days of Facebook when people actually created groups for their friends and it wasn't just these huge communities where there's a ton of voices. I like my community groups just fine but something as personal and convivial as a crush group seems like a great way to send positive vibes, be snarky, and also generally be good to one another
society level: millenials, amirite, pshaw
posted by runt at 4:37 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
group level: like a cool way to engage with people on Facebook that isn't just catapulting data into a sea of faces and hoping it lands somewhere. reminds me of the old days of Facebook when people actually created groups for their friends and it wasn't just these huge communities where there's a ton of voices. I like my community groups just fine but something as personal and convivial as a crush group seems like a great way to send positive vibes, be snarky, and also generally be good to one another
society level: millenials, amirite, pshaw
posted by runt at 4:37 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Super creepy.
posted by motty at 5:15 PM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by motty at 5:15 PM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
This was hilarious. Kudos to this girl for her ballsy comedy premise.
It seems like most of her friends are improv people, so probably more likely to think this was funny and be game to do goofy things with other people.
posted by easter queen at 7:41 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
It seems like most of her friends are improv people, so probably more likely to think this was funny and be game to do goofy things with other people.
posted by easter queen at 7:41 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I love how many Mefites are categorically against the concept of making someone aware you're attracted to them, though. Very consistent, guys.
posted by easter queen at 7:41 PM on December 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by easter queen at 7:41 PM on December 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
The other word I remember being associated with "crush" was "like." You'd get your friends to find out through the grapevine if your crush "liked" you. An affirmative answer was followed by much giddiness and squealing.
You can see how the word "like" has evolved through the years in the article itself. The author expects people to Facebook "like" her content (and by extension her), to the extent that she ascribes lack of likes to technical issues.
I wonder what it would feel like as a kid to get a Facebook "like" from a crush. It's probably not a cause for jumping around and squealing, but more of an everyday occurrence. Maybe it's even expected?
Maybe crushes have also become a bit less serious over the years due to the lower social barriers to (and weight of) interacting online. There's a sense of the word that's closer to "person I admire." See: "man crush" and "girl crush."
posted by mantecol at 7:46 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can see how the word "like" has evolved through the years in the article itself. The author expects people to Facebook "like" her content (and by extension her), to the extent that she ascribes lack of likes to technical issues.
I wonder what it would feel like as a kid to get a Facebook "like" from a crush. It's probably not a cause for jumping around and squealing, but more of an everyday occurrence. Maybe it's even expected?
Maybe crushes have also become a bit less serious over the years due to the lower social barriers to (and weight of) interacting online. There's a sense of the word that's closer to "person I admire." See: "man crush" and "girl crush."
posted by mantecol at 7:46 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a youth, I think the dynamic is pretty much what you expect. You meet a person you "like," you friend them on Facebook. They friend you back. You "like" each other's shit to signal mutual interest. Much like making eye contact in a group scenario. Nothing too Philip K Dick about it.
It totally is a cause for squealing and jumping around, much like if your crush made a point to tell you he liked your dress or thought you were funny or did a good class presentation.
posted by easter queen at 8:46 PM on December 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
It totally is a cause for squealing and jumping around, much like if your crush made a point to tell you he liked your dress or thought you were funny or did a good class presentation.
posted by easter queen at 8:46 PM on December 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Man, remember when poking was still a thing?
posted by Itaxpica at 10:39 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Itaxpica at 10:39 PM on December 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or talking?
posted by dersins at 12:07 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by dersins at 12:07 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I was in college one of the sororities on campus would have a Cute Boy party every year. Basically, they invited all of their crushes so that they could have a party surrounded by the people they were crushing on. It was considered an honor to be invited to the Cute Boy party and it was always a ton of fun.
Man, back in the days when we all just talked to each other. Wow!
PS I know I am old
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:01 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Man, back in the days when we all just talked to each other. Wow!
PS I know I am old
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:01 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
A crush is what you feel toward a person before you have smelled one of their farts. If you stick around after a fart it is a relationship.
So this is a group of people whose farts she has not smelt.
posted by srboisvert at 7:10 AM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
So this is a group of people whose farts she has not smelt.
posted by srboisvert at 7:10 AM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Arrowed!
There is nothing I love more than having a crush. As a teen, having a crush was a very serious thing. You had only one crush and you wanted to date them more than anything, end of story. Every conversation had impossibly high stakes. This was your crush, after all, and you had to get it right.
Anyway, part of the point of having a crush, as I think I've written about before, is that it gives you a label and license to think and talk about someone, where otherwise you'd have no right, in some sense. Talking about a crush lets you stay safely on the supposed nonstalker side of the line, when just thinking about someone you actually have no or little connection to could otherwise be disparagingly termed stalking. Having a crush is safe in ways mentioned above—it largely occurs in your thoughts and conversations with close friends, and doesn't require action.
Anyway, I'll read on now, heh. My crushes past and present all live in my dreams, which is super safe except when I tell someone about it, heh.
posted by limeonaire at 8:46 AM on December 12, 2015
There is nothing I love more than having a crush. As a teen, having a crush was a very serious thing. You had only one crush and you wanted to date them more than anything, end of story. Every conversation had impossibly high stakes. This was your crush, after all, and you had to get it right.
Anyway, part of the point of having a crush, as I think I've written about before, is that it gives you a label and license to think and talk about someone, where otherwise you'd have no right, in some sense. Talking about a crush lets you stay safely on the supposed nonstalker side of the line, when just thinking about someone you actually have no or little connection to could otherwise be disparagingly termed stalking. Having a crush is safe in ways mentioned above—it largely occurs in your thoughts and conversations with close friends, and doesn't require action.
Anyway, I'll read on now, heh. My crushes past and present all live in my dreams, which is super safe except when I tell someone about it, heh.
posted by limeonaire at 8:46 AM on December 12, 2015
As always, the problem lies in the telling.
posted by limeonaire at 8:52 AM on December 12, 2015
posted by limeonaire at 8:52 AM on December 12, 2015
Yeah, this would only really work at her age or younger, with nonwork people who she's never kissed, because the stakes are lower. The crushes aren't threatening to derail anyone's self-concept or life narrative or marriage or job. They can just have fun in this liminal space together.
That said, some of this reminds me uncomfortably much of bachelorette TV shows. There's a perhaps willing suspension of self-reflection required to pull this off, however much winking one does in the wording of poll questions. This is sort of like an updated take on sending around a massive survey to all your friends and crushes, actually, which I used to do up until around her age.
But around that age was also about when it started to be less fun to say whatever came into my head about people and it all started to come out in my dreams instead. This unfortunately reads like her self-concept is manic pixie dream girl (see also: thirst selfies), and inasmuch as many women aspire to be that person and many would-be paramours want them to be that person, that person doesn't exist. People falter. People change. People aren't always magical and fun and inspiring and exactly what you need in the moment every time.
But this was a fun read, nonetheless. I enjoyed the phrasing of her survey questions, although they were ridiculous. She fulfills the role she was hired to fulfill just fine. Editors are always looking for that snarky ingénue who can capture that voice.
posted by limeonaire at 9:14 AM on December 12, 2015
That said, some of this reminds me uncomfortably much of bachelorette TV shows. There's a perhaps willing suspension of self-reflection required to pull this off, however much winking one does in the wording of poll questions. This is sort of like an updated take on sending around a massive survey to all your friends and crushes, actually, which I used to do up until around her age.
But around that age was also about when it started to be less fun to say whatever came into my head about people and it all started to come out in my dreams instead. This unfortunately reads like her self-concept is manic pixie dream girl (see also: thirst selfies), and inasmuch as many women aspire to be that person and many would-be paramours want them to be that person, that person doesn't exist. People falter. People change. People aren't always magical and fun and inspiring and exactly what you need in the moment every time.
But this was a fun read, nonetheless. I enjoyed the phrasing of her survey questions, although they were ridiculous. She fulfills the role she was hired to fulfill just fine. Editors are always looking for that snarky ingénue who can capture that voice.
posted by limeonaire at 9:14 AM on December 12, 2015
Oh right, and this is also promoting geek social fallacy No. 4: Friendship is transitive.
While sometimes that is the case, if you get enough like-minded people together, this is dangerous territory for most mortals. Worst-case scenario, you get a hellscape like Charlie's parties in High Fidelity.
posted by limeonaire at 9:28 AM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
While sometimes that is the case, if you get enough like-minded people together, this is dangerous territory for most mortals. Worst-case scenario, you get a hellscape like Charlie's parties in High Fidelity.
posted by limeonaire at 9:28 AM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Crush" doesn't even slightly look like a word anymore.
you're telling me!
my greatest mefi regret is that i used the onastick part when signing up for my account. i've been "crush" socially for over 20 years, but the onastick part lasted only briefly, coinciding with the day I signed up
posted by crush-onastick at 10:02 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
you're telling me!
my greatest mefi regret is that i used the onastick part when signing up for my account. i've been "crush" socially for over 20 years, but the onastick part lasted only briefly, coinciding with the day I signed up
posted by crush-onastick at 10:02 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
Every time she wrote "me" in that article, my brain automatically pronounced it "meeeeeeee".
OTOH, I wonder how much my interpretation was influenced by the fact that this was published in Cosmopolitan. If it had been somewhere... better, would I have read it as less cringeworthy and narcissistic, and more ironic and cooky?
But the part where someone left, and she posted a poll for the group to vote whether the group was bad or the person who left was bad - and later on refers to that person as "the villain" - nah. Not cool.
posted by sively at 10:17 AM on December 12, 2015
OTOH, I wonder how much my interpretation was influenced by the fact that this was published in Cosmopolitan. If it had been somewhere... better, would I have read it as less cringeworthy and narcissistic, and more ironic and cooky?
But the part where someone left, and she posted a poll for the group to vote whether the group was bad or the person who left was bad - and later on refers to that person as "the villain" - nah. Not cool.
posted by sively at 10:17 AM on December 12, 2015
I still get a little frisson whenever exes and old crushes comment on my posts. It's really weird when more than one do and weirder still if they start a conversation with each other without knowing what they have in common. But I'm not surprised her crushes get along. Mr. Carmicha has an uncanny knack for finding my exes at gatherings and engaging in long conversations with them... despite often not knowing their names/faces, e.g., at school reunions.
Favorite story about Mr. Carmicha and an ex... Mr. Carmicha has unusual concerns. One day we were driving around a famous resort island known for its character. "There's the vacation house my college boyfriend's family built," I remarked, pointing. "I can't believe you dated someone who perforated the tree line!" he replied. Fast forward 10 years to a college reunion and Mr. Carmicha is deep in a long conversation with this ex about their shared hobby. "What a nice guy!" Mr. Carmicha commented later. I told him who it was and he immediately said "Oh my god! That's the guy who perforated the treeline?!?"
posted by carmicha at 11:05 AM on December 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
Favorite story about Mr. Carmicha and an ex... Mr. Carmicha has unusual concerns. One day we were driving around a famous resort island known for its character. "There's the vacation house my college boyfriend's family built," I remarked, pointing. "I can't believe you dated someone who perforated the tree line!" he replied. Fast forward 10 years to a college reunion and Mr. Carmicha is deep in a long conversation with this ex about their shared hobby. "What a nice guy!" Mr. Carmicha commented later. I told him who it was and he immediately said "Oh my god! That's the guy who perforated the treeline?!?"
posted by carmicha at 11:05 AM on December 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
So this is a group of people whose farts she has not smelt.
No, that would be a much larger group.
posted by babelfish at 8:32 AM on December 14, 2015
No, that would be a much larger group.
posted by babelfish at 8:32 AM on December 14, 2015
I think it's really a stretch to say this is anything more than a silly pitch for a story that ended up being pretty funny and charming. It is not actually a crime to be young enough to be silly with your friends, or to be a gregarious woman who is writing for Cosmopolitan. (Which, by the way, I don't read it often but Cosmo has had a "makeover," if you will. It's a lot more modern and funny and less ancient-sounding and sexist than it used to be. In the vein of xo jane.)
As a youth, I will also say that this sounds nothing at all like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (the point of which is that you charm the pants off of one specific loner guy and exist only for his attentions), and that asking the group if the person who left is bad is... a joke. I mean, everyone knows the group is ridiculous. It's faux-outrage meant to be funny. Like much of Mallory Ortberg. AND it is not a geek fallacy-- she was actually surprised that all the people she knew ended up being friendly with each other. Like, if she was actually a megalomaniacal creep who wanted to kidnap all her crushes and keep them in a jar in her closet, it would be a geek fallacy, I guess.
posted by easter queen at 12:01 PM on December 14, 2015
As a youth, I will also say that this sounds nothing at all like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (the point of which is that you charm the pants off of one specific loner guy and exist only for his attentions), and that asking the group if the person who left is bad is... a joke. I mean, everyone knows the group is ridiculous. It's faux-outrage meant to be funny. Like much of Mallory Ortberg. AND it is not a geek fallacy-- she was actually surprised that all the people she knew ended up being friendly with each other. Like, if she was actually a megalomaniacal creep who wanted to kidnap all her crushes and keep them in a jar in her closet, it would be a geek fallacy, I guess.
posted by easter queen at 12:01 PM on December 14, 2015
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posted by wpgr at 1:13 PM on December 11, 2015 [22 favorites]