What poet should I fight?
December 13, 2015 11:16 AM Subscribe
the short answer is: every poet. but here’s a brief (ok, that’s a lie. this is really long) list i typed up during accounting instead of learning about accounting for inter-corporate investments
Ha ha. They think they could beat Emily Dickinson.
posted by chavenet at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'd take the poets.
But, if victorious, I would be allowed to eat the duck.
That question is more complex than I realized.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
But, if victorious, I would be allowed to eat the duck.
That question is more complex than I realized.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Rainer Maria Rilke
Who wins: you, probably
Rilke was a sad dude. he suffered, and he thought a LOT of time thinking about death. i mean, i think about death a lot, and rilke almost certainly thought about death even more than i did. so you’ll probably win this fight, but at what cost?"
Rilke would give you thoughtful advice on how to approach kicking his ass.
posted by jferngler at 11:39 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Who wins: you, probably
Rilke was a sad dude. he suffered, and he thought a LOT of time thinking about death. i mean, i think about death a lot, and rilke almost certainly thought about death even more than i did. so you’ll probably win this fight, but at what cost?"
Rilke would give you thoughtful advice on how to approach kicking his ass.
posted by jferngler at 11:39 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't fight Baudelaire, challenge him to an absinthe contest, either way you win.
posted by vrakatar at 12:04 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by vrakatar at 12:04 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
How is Bukowski not on this list? If you truly want to test your mettle, you fight Bukowski and you should be prepared for broken bottles and cinder blocks!?! Bukowski will win and should you somehow survive, you'll at least have the scars to prove your story, and what a story it shall be!
posted by Fizz at 12:24 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Fizz at 12:24 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
so much depends
upon
a wild hay
maker
thrown from my blind
spot
with unexpected
vigor
posted by anotherpanacea at 12:39 PM on December 13, 2015 [9 favorites]
upon
a wild hay
maker
thrown from my blind
spot
with unexpected
vigor
posted by anotherpanacea at 12:39 PM on December 13, 2015 [9 favorites]
so it turns out yeats wasn't as tough as i had always imagined, while byron, despite the gammy foot, was something of a bruiser.
posted by andrewcooke at 12:49 PM on December 13, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 12:49 PM on December 13, 2015
The Shel Silverstein one should be:
Look, just google "Shel Silverstein Photo".
Don't fight Shel Silverstein.
posted by selfnoise at 12:50 PM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Look, just google "Shel Silverstein Photo".
Don't fight Shel Silverstein.
posted by selfnoise at 12:50 PM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
They didn't try to take on Christopher Marlowe -- there was a guy who knew not to bring a sonnet to a knife fight. Well, until he forgot to bring a knife to a knife fight.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:51 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:51 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don’t fight junkets. he was a gentle soul, and he died young. be kind.
Maybe this is common knowledge for the English majors in the room, but I had to look it up. "Junkets" appears to have been a self-deprecating joke about his accent; "John Keats" -> "junkets".
posted by Mrs. Davros at 1:07 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe this is common knowledge for the English majors in the room, but I had to look it up. "Junkets" appears to have been a self-deprecating joke about his accent; "John Keats" -> "junkets".
posted by Mrs. Davros at 1:07 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
I kind of feel like any attempt to fight Byron would get weirdly sexual.
"Come on Byron, put up your dukes! ....that is not a duke, Byron."
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 1:12 PM on December 13, 2015 [13 favorites]
"Come on Byron, put up your dukes! ....that is not a duke, Byron."
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 1:12 PM on December 13, 2015 [13 favorites]
My money's on Donne, just for the syntax alone. He'd bob and weave and land a punch right in the psyche.
posted by Peach at 2:21 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Peach at 2:21 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I kind of feel like any attempt to fight Byron would get weirdly sexual.
I mean, obviously. Fighting Donne might also get weirdly sexual.
posted by yasaman at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2015
I mean, obviously. Fighting Donne might also get weirdly sexual.
posted by yasaman at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2015
Give me a break, nobody could beat John Donne -- because the bell would toll for you!
He'd whip out his portable podium,
Well, he'd whip something out.
posted by emjaybee at 2:33 PM on December 13, 2015
He'd whip out his portable podium,
Well, he'd whip something out.
posted by emjaybee at 2:33 PM on December 13, 2015
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
What are you
gonna do
about it?
Huh?
posted by moonmilk at 3:26 PM on December 13, 2015 [12 favorites]
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
What are you
gonna do
about it?
Huh?
posted by moonmilk at 3:26 PM on December 13, 2015 [12 favorites]
There's only 3 women on the whole list. Let's expand that, shall we?
Anne Sexton
Who wins: Anne Sexton
Are you kidding? She would totally cut you. She would shank you. She would do it very elegantly and then calmly light a cigarette, look upon your bleeding body, and say something about how everybody needs death.
Maxine Kumin
Who wins: Maxine Kumin
She used the word pterodactyl in a poem. You can't even spell pterodactyl. She noted while gassing woodchucks that she has a murderer inside of her. Don't mess with Maxine Kumin.
Elizabeth Bishop
Who wins: Nobody
Elizabeth Bishop lets fish go. Your anger is beautiful and she will tell you that as you circle her warily. Let's lose each other, she'll say, and you'll agree because suddenly the world has been turned upside down. And let's be frank, this is not a woman who will put up with your shit. Robert Lowell - who is another poet you wouldn't want to fight -kissed her ass.
Mary Oliver
Who wins: You do, but at the cost of your soul
This is a woman who writes poems about dogs and birds. Your mom reads Mary Oliver. Your grandma wants Mary Oliver read at her funeral. You would cry the whole time you were fighting her and then you would take her battered body to the ocean and bathe her with the saltwater and the cries of gulls. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Rita Dove
Who wins: Rita Dove, in about 5 seconds
Look, she's a great poet and is awesome and you just want to be friends and you realize now you've made a mistake because you forgot she's also a ballroom dancer. Too bad for you, though -she'll slice you to death with her heels and just keep on dancing.
Sharon Olds
Who wins: Sharon Olds
So you think you want to fight Sharon Olds. Sharon Olds, who when first submitting poetry was told that poetry subjects are male subjects, not children, go submit to the Ladies Home Journal. Sharon Olds, who wrote this poem. And this poem. You can't even imagine all the ways she could imagine hurting you. Leave Sharon Olds alone.
Sappho
Who wins: Sappho
Her reputation has endured for 2500 years. Plato called Sappho wise. She was one of the 9 Greek lyrical poets. She was called the 10th muse. Then there's her openly writing about her sexuality. C'mon - Sappho wouldn't even notice you.
posted by barchan at 3:26 PM on December 13, 2015 [23 favorites]
Anne Sexton
Who wins: Anne Sexton
Are you kidding? She would totally cut you. She would shank you. She would do it very elegantly and then calmly light a cigarette, look upon your bleeding body, and say something about how everybody needs death.
Maxine Kumin
Who wins: Maxine Kumin
She used the word pterodactyl in a poem. You can't even spell pterodactyl. She noted while gassing woodchucks that she has a murderer inside of her. Don't mess with Maxine Kumin.
Elizabeth Bishop
Who wins: Nobody
Elizabeth Bishop lets fish go. Your anger is beautiful and she will tell you that as you circle her warily. Let's lose each other, she'll say, and you'll agree because suddenly the world has been turned upside down. And let's be frank, this is not a woman who will put up with your shit. Robert Lowell - who is another poet you wouldn't want to fight -kissed her ass.
Mary Oliver
Who wins: You do, but at the cost of your soul
This is a woman who writes poems about dogs and birds. Your mom reads Mary Oliver. Your grandma wants Mary Oliver read at her funeral. You would cry the whole time you were fighting her and then you would take her battered body to the ocean and bathe her with the saltwater and the cries of gulls. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Rita Dove
Who wins: Rita Dove, in about 5 seconds
Look, she's a great poet and is awesome and you just want to be friends and you realize now you've made a mistake because you forgot she's also a ballroom dancer. Too bad for you, though -she'll slice you to death with her heels and just keep on dancing.
Sharon Olds
Who wins: Sharon Olds
So you think you want to fight Sharon Olds. Sharon Olds, who when first submitting poetry was told that poetry subjects are male subjects, not children, go submit to the Ladies Home Journal. Sharon Olds, who wrote this poem. And this poem. You can't even imagine all the ways she could imagine hurting you. Leave Sharon Olds alone.
Sappho
Who wins: Sappho
Her reputation has endured for 2500 years. Plato called Sappho wise. She was one of the 9 Greek lyrical poets. She was called the 10th muse. Then there's her openly writing about her sexuality. C'mon - Sappho wouldn't even notice you.
posted by barchan at 3:26 PM on December 13, 2015 [23 favorites]
Patricia Lockwood
Who wins: it's not clear.
She crosses out the ht, leaving you with a fig.
posted by moonmilk at 3:37 PM on December 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Who wins: it's not clear.
She crosses out the ht, leaving you with a fig.
posted by moonmilk at 3:37 PM on December 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Don't fight Allen Ginsberg until you learn to spell his name correctly.
How about Gary Snyder? He'd take you out so fast. Small, wiry, ex-logger, focused like a Buddhist warrior. Even at 85. BAM! You're out, buddy.
posted by crazylegs at 4:24 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
How about Gary Snyder? He'd take you out so fast. Small, wiry, ex-logger, focused like a Buddhist warrior. Even at 85. BAM! You're out, buddy.
posted by crazylegs at 4:24 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Fight Andre Breton.
Probably win, but so what, because your French accent will never approach his. And besides, if you fight him his friend Rene Char will find you and kick your ass.
Fight John Berryman.
You'd be an asshole because you can't fight a kid with glasses.
Fight Anne Waldman.
Lose.
posted by crazylegs at 4:42 PM on December 13, 2015
Probably win, but so what, because your French accent will never approach his. And besides, if you fight him his friend Rene Char will find you and kick your ass.
Fight John Berryman.
You'd be an asshole because you can't fight a kid with glasses.
Fight Anne Waldman.
Lose.
posted by crazylegs at 4:42 PM on December 13, 2015
Dylan Thomas
Who wins: both of you.
See my comments on Baudelaire, sub whiskey for absinthe.
posted by vrakatar at 4:51 PM on December 13, 2015
Who wins: both of you.
See my comments on Baudelaire, sub whiskey for absinthe.
posted by vrakatar at 4:51 PM on December 13, 2015
E.E. Cummings
Who wins: E.E. Cummings
...nobody,not even the rain,has such small fists
posted by steef at 4:51 PM on December 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Who wins: E.E. Cummings
...nobody,not even the rain,has such small fists
posted by steef at 4:51 PM on December 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ethridge Knight
Who wins: Knight.
He served as a medic in the Korean war, had shrapnel wounds and a junk problem. Just forget it it do not fight him.
posted by vrakatar at 4:57 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Who wins: Knight.
He served as a medic in the Korean war, had shrapnel wounds and a junk problem. Just forget it it do not fight him.
posted by vrakatar at 4:57 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maya Angelou
Who wins: Angelou.
Maya Angelou would fuck you up.
posted by box at 5:09 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Who wins: Angelou.
Maya Angelou would fuck you up.
posted by box at 5:09 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't really need to know who would win in a fight, but if someone would punch Ezra Pound in the face for me, I would be really cool with that.
posted by Mchelly at 5:21 PM on December 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 5:21 PM on December 13, 2015 [7 favorites]
Steven Jesse Bernstein 1950-1991 - spoken word poet
Wiki, example YT video "No No Man (part 1)"
If we're talking "poet vs poet" or "poet vs you" combat, SJB is the one to put your money on. Unless you've had experience with back alley, prison, or life-or-death survival fighting, the odds are stacked against you. He's skinny and weak looking, but he's wiry too, and you can see in his eyes a cold acceptance of the fact that you may win, but he's gonna make damn sure you'll at least lose an eye and permanently disfigure or disable you before he goes down. He will fight like there is nothing left to lose, and in his eyes you will be seen as the representative of everything and everyone that has done him wrong in his life, and this is his chance to get even with it all. You may have come here to beat up a poet, but he's there to make the universe think twice before fucking with him again. Take into consideration that this is a guy who decided to end his own life by stabbing himself in the throat. I think that speaks for itself.
OK, wow, that got really dark really fast, but I'm sticking with it.
posted by chambers at 5:25 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wiki, example YT video "No No Man (part 1)"
If we're talking "poet vs poet" or "poet vs you" combat, SJB is the one to put your money on. Unless you've had experience with back alley, prison, or life-or-death survival fighting, the odds are stacked against you. He's skinny and weak looking, but he's wiry too, and you can see in his eyes a cold acceptance of the fact that you may win, but he's gonna make damn sure you'll at least lose an eye and permanently disfigure or disable you before he goes down. He will fight like there is nothing left to lose, and in his eyes you will be seen as the representative of everything and everyone that has done him wrong in his life, and this is his chance to get even with it all. You may have come here to beat up a poet, but he's there to make the universe think twice before fucking with him again. Take into consideration that this is a guy who decided to end his own life by stabbing himself in the throat. I think that speaks for itself.
OK, wow, that got really dark really fast, but I'm sticking with it.
posted by chambers at 5:25 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
The ones in this thread > >>>
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:29 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:29 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Prett low on wit.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:32 PM on December 13, 2015
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:32 PM on December 13, 2015
But that's basically this for white people. Right?
posted by heyitsgogi at 5:48 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by heyitsgogi at 5:48 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Villon.
I love this post as it encourages, beating or not, societies dead poets.
posted by clavdivs at 5:50 PM on December 13, 2015
I love this post as it encourages, beating or not, societies dead poets.
posted by clavdivs at 5:50 PM on December 13, 2015
Marianne Moore
Who Wins: Moore.
She wrote the liner notes for Muhammad Ali's spoken word album back when he was Cassius Clay, who did you think would win?
posted by mittens at 6:01 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Who Wins: Moore.
She wrote the liner notes for Muhammad Ali's spoken word album back when he was Cassius Clay, who did you think would win?
posted by mittens at 6:01 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
But that's basically this for white people. Right?
You would think that Li Bai would be an easy knockout, what with the tranquil boozing, but it says that he was proficient in martial arts in his youth so he most definitely will unleash drunken fist and Wudang sword style upon you.
posted by Apocryphon at 7:12 PM on December 13, 2015
You would think that Li Bai would be an easy knockout, what with the tranquil boozing, but it says that he was proficient in martial arts in his youth so he most definitely will unleash drunken fist and Wudang sword style upon you.
posted by Apocryphon at 7:12 PM on December 13, 2015
Pretty sure "Dont fight poets" is the grand finale of Plato's Symposium for a good reason. We will whup you. Bring it on normies we got 0 to lose.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:22 PM on December 13, 2015
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:22 PM on December 13, 2015
"How is Bukowski not on this list? If you truly want to test your mettle, you fight Bukowski and you should be prepared for broken bottles and cinder blocks!?! Bukowski will win and should you somehow survive, you'll at least have the scars to prove your story, and what a story it shall be!"
Psh, no. Bukowski would lose. You'd keep beating him and he'd keep losing and losing and losing until you got bored and he got drunk. I mean, yeah, broken bottles, but, like, wear shoes. As long as you don't step on anything, you're golden. (He's a horrible person addendum: Unless you're a woman, in which case he would fight you. Because he was a misogynist asshole.)
Ezra Pound needs an asskicking, and wouldn't it be great to bring the whooshing smash of futurism right to his fucking face by beating him with a railroad tie? That puffed up Nazi talks a good game but was wimp who fetishized power.
Ogden Nash would sic his doggerel on you.
They're wrong about Dante — fighting Dante is a great way to get the fucking plague. Congrats on beating Dante, you and the Pope can count your buboes together.
"Who wins: Angelou.
Maya Angelou would fuck you up."
Maya Angelou would fuck you up. She learned some shit working at a brothel about how to handle violent assholes, no doubt.
"Sappho
Who wins: Sappho
Her reputation has endured for 2500 years. Plato called Sappho wise. She was one of the 9 Greek lyrical poets. She was called the 10th muse. Then there's her openly writing about her sexuality. C'mon - Sappho wouldn't even notice you."
Nah, honestly, she'd get her ass beat pretty bad. Writing poems about fucking women is orthogonal to being able to fight, and she (as far as we know from the tiny fragments of her work) rejected Homer's militarism in retelling the Troy myth in favor of a message of love.
You could probably beat up Homer, being blind and bent and all, but how would you know you found the right one?
I'm pretty sure David Berman would be an even match before or after the k hole, but pretty easy to beat up while he was in it.
Jean Genet would fuck you up then fuck you, and you'd catch something from him.
posted by klangklangston at 7:37 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Psh, no. Bukowski would lose. You'd keep beating him and he'd keep losing and losing and losing until you got bored and he got drunk. I mean, yeah, broken bottles, but, like, wear shoes. As long as you don't step on anything, you're golden. (He's a horrible person addendum: Unless you're a woman, in which case he would fight you. Because he was a misogynist asshole.)
Ezra Pound needs an asskicking, and wouldn't it be great to bring the whooshing smash of futurism right to his fucking face by beating him with a railroad tie? That puffed up Nazi talks a good game but was wimp who fetishized power.
Ogden Nash would sic his doggerel on you.
They're wrong about Dante — fighting Dante is a great way to get the fucking plague. Congrats on beating Dante, you and the Pope can count your buboes together.
"Who wins: Angelou.
Maya Angelou would fuck you up."
Maya Angelou would fuck you up. She learned some shit working at a brothel about how to handle violent assholes, no doubt.
"Sappho
Who wins: Sappho
Her reputation has endured for 2500 years. Plato called Sappho wise. She was one of the 9 Greek lyrical poets. She was called the 10th muse. Then there's her openly writing about her sexuality. C'mon - Sappho wouldn't even notice you."
Nah, honestly, she'd get her ass beat pretty bad. Writing poems about fucking women is orthogonal to being able to fight, and she (as far as we know from the tiny fragments of her work) rejected Homer's militarism in retelling the Troy myth in favor of a message of love.
You could probably beat up Homer, being blind and bent and all, but how would you know you found the right one?
I'm pretty sure David Berman would be an even match before or after the k hole, but pretty easy to beat up while he was in it.
Jean Genet would fuck you up then fuck you, and you'd catch something from him.
posted by klangklangston at 7:37 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nah, honestly, she'd get her ass beat pretty bad. Writing poems about fucking women is orthogonal to being able to fight, and she (as far as we know from the tiny fragments of her work) rejected Homer's militarism in retelling the Troy myth in favor of a message of love.
See, I read that poem as implying that if you get between Sappho and her beloved, she'll kick your ass so hard you'll wish you'd merely gone up against an army.
Homer doesn't seem that tough, but he'd be all "check out those purple sheep!" and you'd be like "where?" and then he'd clock you.
posted by thetortoise at 11:17 PM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
See, I read that poem as implying that if you get between Sappho and her beloved, she'll kick your ass so hard you'll wish you'd merely gone up against an army.
Homer doesn't seem that tough, but he'd be all "check out those purple sheep!" and you'd be like "where?" and then he'd clock you.
posted by thetortoise at 11:17 PM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Wallace Stevens would lose the fight, but then he'd see you in court. And in a court of law, he would show you a new knowledge of reality- a reality of punitive damages.
I imagine Phillip Larken would be an absolutely 'orrible cunt, all cheap shots, eye gougings. He'd fuck you up, he'd do.
Auden wouldn't pose to much of a fight. Mostly he'd look at you with withering contempt as the very avatar of barbarism.
The trick to beating Dylan Thomas is speed and timing. He lunges too hard, telegraphs his blows. Get him to exhaust himself, and he's quickly spent.
I'm pretty confident that I myself am a poet that could be taken by anyone in a fight, whether pugilistically or in the poetically metaphorical.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 1:11 AM on December 14, 2015
I imagine Phillip Larken would be an absolutely 'orrible cunt, all cheap shots, eye gougings. He'd fuck you up, he'd do.
Auden wouldn't pose to much of a fight. Mostly he'd look at you with withering contempt as the very avatar of barbarism.
The trick to beating Dylan Thomas is speed and timing. He lunges too hard, telegraphs his blows. Get him to exhaust himself, and he's quickly spent.
I'm pretty confident that I myself am a poet that could be taken by anyone in a fight, whether pugilistically or in the poetically metaphorical.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 1:11 AM on December 14, 2015
Rita Dove is from Akron. Have you ever been to Akron? You gotta be hard to grow up in Akron. Rita Dove would cut you.
posted by slogger at 11:00 AM on December 14, 2015
posted by slogger at 11:00 AM on December 14, 2015
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He'd whip out his portable podium, preach a sermon against you, and then the congregation would tear you to pieces.
posted by jamjam at 11:32 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]