Playing up the Santa angle is effortless
December 24, 2015 10:57 AM   Subscribe

 
There are four ways you can defeat it

1. Origami
2. Garlic
3. Nanomachines
4. The cleansing flame of the Ordo Malleus
posted by selfnoise at 11:09 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


Oh fuck yeah. Too bad it reached me too late to go GIFNUDE and thus increase my CHOWGUT. There's always next year I guess...
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 11:12 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Bah, humbug. Packaging somehow helps take a little of the crassness out of a crassly materialist holiday. Otherwise, we may as well just text message each other 24-digit gift card nuclear codes in between looking up from Candy Crush games and just call it a day.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:14 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]


Solution number one is not just for guys.

I have a daughter that not only is PhD level good at giftwrapping, she enjoys it. I just hand stuff to her, and she hands it back looking like Christmas horked up a hairball.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


There are four ways you can defeat it.

1. Cut a hole in a box.
2. Put your junk in that box.
3. Make them open the box.
4. And that's the way you do it.
posted by Fizz at 11:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [24 favorites]


Gift wrapping is fine for some—suckers, mostly. It’s further cost and effort added to a gift, and for what? Avoidance of ingratitude, I say. What other message can we draw from others’ dislike of a bare gift?

Here's where he goes wrong, right at the outset. The message is that something delightful and personalized is waiting under the tree for you, but what could it be? All you can tell is that it is seasonal, due to the reindeer/santa/ornament/green&red/gold&green/candycane/christmastree/angel/star/cookie/snowflake/elf/glitter/red/red&silver/bell/sleigh/chestnutsroasting/wrappedgift/bows/magi/gildedacorn/etcetcetc decor on the package.

And I misdoubt the magi showed up and handed over their gifts without packaging, too! Really, doesn't this guy understand that no one carries myrrh and frankincense around unprotected?

I admit to a deep bias in favor of wrapping and bows.
posted by bearwife at 11:20 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


And... what am I supposed to do with the roll of wrapping paper I already have? Trash it? That's just as wasteful, isn't it?

I'll wrap my fucking gifts, damn it.
posted by SansPoint at 11:23 AM on December 24, 2015


Construction Tracing Toilet Wrapping paper is very bad.

This one simple trick There are four ways you can defeat it.
posted by Smart Dalek at 11:24 AM on December 24, 2015


Furoshiki, motherfuckers.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:33 AM on December 24, 2015 [28 favorites]


It could be worse. I get so frustrated just trying to wrap boxes with the standard technique. I know I'd never manage if I needed to fold the paper one way for seasonal flowers from trees and a different way for cut flowers.
posted by ob1quixote at 11:40 AM on December 24, 2015


Furoshiki, motherfuckers.

Yes! My family has a large box full of various pieces of fabric that regularly gets replenished with fat quarters from the sale section, along with a print out of that guide. People just pull fabric out of the box to quickly wrap up presents, and the cloth usually just goes back into the box after unwrapping, to get re-used the next year. Unlike paper, fabric wrapping still looks good when it's a bit irregular or wrinkled, and it's infinitely reusable.
posted by JiBB at 11:41 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]


If you're not wrapping your gifts in newspaper comics saved from the 1990s, you're doing hoarding Christmas wrong.
posted by enjoymoreradio at 11:42 AM on December 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


Back before I finally managed to convince everyone I know that, yeah, I really don't celebrate Christmas and I was still feeling socially obligated to give gifts, I took particular pride in wrapping them as poorly as possible.

Like, not rushed, but just badly. I would plan out how to badly wrap a gift. I would find the worst ad in a newspaper and use that to wrap half and then like an old t-shirt to wrap the other side which I would staple to the actual gift. I would wrap something entirely in tape. I'd used improperly sized containers. (both too small and too large!)

The only time I ever remember actually wrapping something "nice and perfect" was when I gave someone a brick I found on the side of the road.


I took pride in badly wrapping things, and I think it added that little personal touch.
posted by mayonnaises at 11:54 AM on December 24, 2015 [10 favorites]


His first suggestion is to wrap things so badly that someone else with a higher apparent aptitude will take the job off your hands. But this misses the whole point. Wrapping things badly isn't a means, but an end in itself.

Wrapping gifts is only aggravating and time-consuming if you try to do it well. And no one cares if you do it well; they're only going to rip the paper up and throw it away anyway. There's no point in even trying to do it other than badly. So you get some wrapping paper, ball it up around the gift, apply Scotch tape until the paper stays on, and you're done. It really needn't be A Thing.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:54 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


My wife and I have been wrapping our gifts in newspaper since like 1990. It doesn't have to be high drama.
posted by Bringer Tom at 11:58 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Snarky misanthropist resents being expected to make token effort, explains how to substitute minimal effort to make others happy with self-important condescension.
posted by belarius at 11:59 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]


commentor misses point, makes comment as if Tarzan, no one knows why.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:00 PM on December 24, 2015 [13 favorites]


I wrap my presents in the left over scraps of souls my Dark Lord leaves after a sacrifice. The pieces stretch to cover almost any size package, and, although recipients often find the colors and soft moaning somewhat unsettling, no one dares to complain. And the Dark Lord is very into reuse and cutting down on waste, so it's a double bonus. Triple, if you include the stiff reduction in the number of wailing specters wandering around after every solstice ceremony.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:03 PM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


1. Feign Incompetence

Feign. Yes of course. That's what I was doing. Feigning.
posted by Splunge at 12:25 PM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


The only life skill I acquired working at Sears was how to wrap gifts quickly and effectively.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:31 PM on December 24, 2015


I always get irritated at articles like this, because I feel like they're a distraction - let's focus on the wastefulness of a holiday that comes around once a year...instead of paying attention to the wastefulness in the way we live every other day of the year, which does far more social and environmental damage.

If you want to make the effort to live in the most ethically and environmentally responsible way you can, and getting rid of wrapping paper is part of that larger plan of action, then okay, I respect that - but if you're yelling at wrapping paper without also taking a seriously look at the bigger problems, you're just making yourself feel good.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:37 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


I tried to switch to reusable fabric wrap a few years ago but all my relatives kept stealing it. I gave up.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:44 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


My mom made those fabric bags for wrapping paper. Many of them are seasonal, but some of them are awesome and have horned toads on them! I make sure to use up all the horned toad bags so everyone knows that they're receiving a present from me!
posted by ChuraChura at 12:50 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Eyebrows, you just need to leave one hanging thread so you can snatch the fabric back from them. If you do it just after shouting "Look! Haley's Comet," while pointing over their shoulder, they may never notice.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:20 PM on December 24, 2015


I came for the jokes, but now I want to know more about Furoshiki.
posted by anotherpanacea at 2:05 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's been a good long while since I've participated in the giving of wrapped gifts, but my favorite was always plain brown paper labelled with ransom-note-style collage. I remember getting gifts wrapped like this from my big sister when I was little, and it made them seem extra special.
posted by sanedragon at 2:13 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Today I wrapped one present in a lamination of three inch-thick oak scraps, the center one hollowed out for the gift. Muuuuhahaha!
posted by five fresh fish at 2:43 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


My fiancée and I just play 20 Questions with our gifts. Makes it more fun and there's no waste!
posted by friendlyjuan at 2:48 PM on December 24, 2015


The actual real trick is to mix wrapping and bags and also cut down on the number of gifts you give. Make adults draw names or do a gift swap and just get gifts for your parents/grandparents and the kids in the family.

Then you only end up wrapping 6 or 7 gifts, plus whatever you get your kids, and it's not really that big a deal.

Gifts bags are best for kids because kids care only about the contents and also won't care if their gift came in the exact same bag last year. Wrapping is nice for grown ups because we have so little joy and anticipation in our lives that the brief moment of destructive suspense we get from tearing off that paper is something we need. It's usually followed by disappointment, of course. Another pair of socks, an ugly scarf, a horrifying ceramic doodad painted by Aunt Ella who is nearly blind. But at least for a few seconds, you got to wonder if it was something good.
posted by emjaybee at 2:56 PM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


And then of course there are people like my mother-in-law that carefully, carefully unwraps the gift and then carefully, carefully folds up the wrapping paper. For next year.

OPEN THE DAMN PRESENT ALREADY!
posted by Splunge at 3:23 PM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


i bought my xmas present today with my moms money, gave it to her, and she will wrap it for tomorrow.
posted by PinkMoose at 3:41 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's usually followed by disappointment, of course. Another pair of socks

I really like socks. A lot. I don't know why people always use them as an example of a bad gift. Everyone has feet. A pair of socks is a gift that says, "I heard you have feet, yo, and I don't want you to be cold or to get a toe stuck through a hole and cut off all your circulation just because you haven't got around to replacing the threadbare remnants from last year, and I know sock shopping isn't the most fun thing to do in your limited spare time.."

I got two pairs this year and I consider Christmas to have been a success. (It certainly beats the year I got a single sock from a knitter who wasn't quite as speedy as she had expected to be. I never did get the matching one.)
posted by lollusc at 3:51 PM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]


Even though I try to always bring reusable bags, I have a GIGANTIC pile of Trader Joe's paper bags amassed. I usually cut them up so my son can have a big canvas for drawing, but the other day when I was cutting up my 1000th bag I thought holy shit, this would make excellent wrapping paper! As a bonus I can re-use the paper my son has already drawn on for people who find his random crayon lines adorable. Hooray for recycling!
posted by gatorae at 6:17 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


There are years I have "The Holiday Spirit" and want to give gifts n shit. Not many of them admittedly, and this is not one. I also have no interest in sending the message "I dislike you enough to go to extra trouble to make your life miserable." Really if I dislike you, I just don't want you in my life. If I like you, you may get a card. Sorry. If you're looking for more you must be thinking of someone else. Yes, it's true, I'm a lazy thoughtless fuck.
posted by evilDoug at 6:26 PM on December 24, 2015


Half my family makes cloth bags and furoshiki and reuses them, and the other half says Oh what a good idea and folds them up and they're never seen again. I hope they have a drawerfull somewhere.

Pretty teatowels are a nice middle path, for presents of the right size, eg socks, which are the best anyway.
posted by clew at 6:28 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


My family, in the last several years, has become so dedicated to the reusable gift bag that they've become part of the tradition as items themselves. For example, this year I chose the festive tropical fish bag for my mother's gift - and then tomorrow it'll go back in the cupboard and saved for the next gift giving occasion. My mother, on her part, has admitted to choosing gifts in the extended family's Yankee Swap solely to acquire the bag.
posted by anne_severson at 9:58 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


The solid wood block was a hit because, you know, power tools to "unwrap" the gift.

Next year it's a welded steel box...
posted by five fresh fish at 10:16 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


I always get irritated at articles like this, because I feel like they're a distraction

The fitting reply to this article fluff-piece would be to print it out and use it as wrapping paper.

I spent the good part of four hours yesterday devising different ways to combine four paper styles and two ribbon types into individually crafted wrapping solutions for twenty odd gifts. Though I was pretty sure no one would notice specifically, it's a small battle against carelessness that I find myself waging every year. And then last night the teen son currently at his most misanthropic stopped for a beat, and muttered under his breath "wow, nice packaging..." - am I doing it right?
posted by progosk at 12:57 AM on December 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


This year we decided to let Amazon do our wrapping for us. Those Amazon boxes look so nice and festive under the tree. Actually, there's one exception, a lovely Nordstrom box. And sharp, new box cutters in everyone's stockings...
posted by lhauser at 7:35 AM on December 25, 2015


And sharp, new box cutters in everyone's stockings...

And the script for the new holiday horror movie emerges...
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 9:47 AM on December 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


I can see fabric wrapping being a worse PITA than paper. At least with paper, you can get cut it smaller or larger to fix whatever junk you're wrapping. I'd either have to have bolts of the stuff, or major lycra stretch.

I'm a big fabric of gift bags, and now ChuraChura has given me a Wonderful Idea. I'm too lazy to sew, but I could buy colorful fabric grocery bags--they're sold everywhere in tons of styles and different price ranges. Wrap with a bow, and presto, two gifts in one, and I can help rid the world of plastic grocery bags!
posted by BlueHorse at 5:21 PM on December 27, 2015 [2 favorites]


If a square of cloth is too big, there are lits of ways to make the excess a bow or other decoration, BlueHorse; if too small, sometimes you can use two.

But the pretty grocery bag idea is easier and just as pretty and useful.
posted by clew at 6:01 PM on December 29, 2015


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