Coffee's for closers.
December 28, 2015 8:46 PM   Subscribe

 
I'm guessing this was only run once, for the camera.
posted by rhizome at 8:50 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


Cookies and cocoa are for closers.
posted by Samizdata at 8:50 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


Amazing. I would love to know what the neighbors think. I don't care what they think. I just want to know what they think.
posted by jonathanhughes at 9:01 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


I would love to know what the neighbors think. I

If one of my neighbors did something like this I would buy an air rifle and solve the problem one component at a time.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:05 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


Amazing. I would love to know what the neighbors think. I don't care what they think. I just want to know what they think.

"Remember when Mamet would celebrate the joy of Hanukkah? Those were good times."
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:09 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


Dip Flash: " I would love to know what the neighbors think.

If one of my neighbors did something like this I would buy an air rifle and solve the problem one component at a time.
"

Obviously not a closer, or you would have gotten in there and gotten them to sign on the dotted line.
posted by Samizdata at 9:10 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


Totally wrong for the season. Missed opportunity: Lloyd's rant.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:14 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


If one of my neighbors did something like this I would buy... them a drink, and thank them for lighting and lightening up the neighborhood.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 9:20 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


"...and that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."
posted by otherchaz at 9:20 PM on December 28, 2015 [8 favorites]


If one of my neighbors did something like this... I would listen, watch, go over and tell them how fucking clever that was, and let him know that if he didn't unplug it, I would buy an air rifle and take those lights out one by one, right after I hosed his speakers.... 'cuz once was funny, after that it's just annoying....
posted by HuronBob at 9:24 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


Cocoa is for cobblers! Cocoa is for cobblers!

You think I am screwing around? I am not screwing around!
posted by mahorn at 9:33 PM on December 28, 2015 [15 favorites]


If one of my neighbors did something like this... I would listen, watch, go over and tell them how fucking clever that was, and let him know that if he didn't unplug it, I would buy an air rifle and take those lights out one by one, right after I hosed his speakers.... 'cuz once was funny, after that it's just annoying...

good news! it's not real
posted by p3on at 9:46 PM on December 28, 2015 [17 favorites]


That's kind of depressing.
posted by eggkeeper at 10:09 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


As the phrase gained national attention in the early 1980s, merchants objecting to the use of a derisive term to refer to one of the most important shopping days of the year suggested an alternative derivation: that retailers traditionally operated at a financial loss for most of the year (January through November) and made their profit during the holiday season, beginning on the day after Thanksgiving.[8] When this would be recorded in the financial records, once-common accounting practices would use red ink to show negative amounts and black ink to show positive amounts. Black Friday, under this theory, is the beginning of the period when retailers would no longer be "in the red", instead taking in the year's profits.[8][59][60] The earliest known published reference to this explanation occurs in the Philadelphia Inquirer for November 28, 1981.[61]

wikpedia black friday origin of the term

Christmas sales figures are the best in at least five years

Into the black
posted by bukvich at 10:35 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


4th prize is you have to take down all the holiday lights and haul them back to the attic.
posted by Auden at 10:39 PM on December 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


All I could say was 'Why is this' until someone fortunately brought along the Clickhole link.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:50 PM on December 28, 2015


If one of my neighbors did something like this

...then you would be in the Clickhole universe and celebrating Christmas with ISIS or helping pack the FDA commissioner with nutrients or helping Jon Hamm make crepes for a beached whale.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:05 PM on December 28, 2015 [13 favorites]


Mod note: Substituted the original Clickhole link for the uncredited YouTube link; thanks for pointing it out, naju!
posted by taz (staff) at 11:38 PM on December 28, 2015


I'm pretty sure that santa says something similar to his reindeer: A few choice swearwords delivered in guttural Sami. "Carrots are for closers"; I guess.
posted by rongorongo at 12:09 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Clickhole: Home of those stories that don't quite seem funny or unlikely enough to be parodies, so you click on one and quickly figure out it's just kind of a limp gag and you wonder why anybody would bother... until you look up at the logo and see that it's goddamn Clickhole again.

That sounds mean, but this has been that sort of day. They probably worked very hard on this thing, and I'm glad it's just a fake and it's not some obnoxious display that's actually playing every night and driving an entire suburb insane. But really, in a Christmas season that saw the zombie nativity story, something like this would hardly surprise me. There are a lot of asshole wiseguy dudes who would think it was hilarious to annoy their neighbors with something like this.

I really like the AV Club though!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:21 AM on December 29, 2015


Loved this. I realize it's video editing and audio dubbing, but it had me laughing anyway.

Maybe this is empty praise that doesn't contribute anything, but this has been that kind of morning.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 3:35 AM on December 29, 2015


meanwhile, in Jersey, somebody has been stealing baby Jesuses (Jesui) out of mangers.

just felt like throwing that out there
posted by angrycat at 4:08 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Such a phoney baloney rant too. That's not how real estate works,at least not around here. That sales manager would be in trouble for losing agents, and would be pushed to recruit more of them. Nobody really cares if one agent sells more than another except the agents themselves, the key is for them all to sell something.

/rant over
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:17 AM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


I dunno, the guy comes from Mitch and Murray, downtown.
posted by thelonius at 6:02 AM on December 29, 2015 [14 favorites]


Clickhole: Home of those stories that don't quite seem funny or unlikely enough to be parodies, so you click on one and quickly figure out it's just kind of a limp gag and you wonder why anybody would bother... until you look up at the logo and see that it's goddamn Clickhole again.

That's the point of Clickhole, though. Like how The Daily Show was the news parody and The Colbert Report was the talking-head opinion-show parody, you've got The Onion as a newspaper/newspaper-site parody and Clickhole as a parody of the Buzzfeed-style sites that try to bolster the thinnest of stories with "You Gotta See This Epic Thing!" and "This Other Thing Will Blow Your Mind!" The limpness (and the occasional really good one) is part of the joke. The Onion relies on each story to provide its own humor, but Clickhole relies on the entirety of itself to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
posted by Etrigan at 6:18 AM on December 29, 2015 [16 favorites]


They aren't Real Estate agents, St. Alia, they're con men. They're selling worthless swampland in Florida.

If you think of them all as crooks, the rant makes a lot more sense.
posted by Frayed Knot at 6:44 AM on December 29, 2015 [10 favorites]


I first saw "Glengarry Glen Ross" in Italy, in English but with Italian subtitles. It was striking to watch the Italian captioner's inability to keep pace with the creative and relentless barrage of cursing. The subtitles basically devolved into "Vaffanculo!... vaffanculo!... VAFFANCULO!..." and I could picture the captioner huddled into a ball, slowly rocking, ruing the day they took the gig and just craving a big gelato or something. Or an espresso, I suppose (when they were finito).
posted by argonauta at 6:47 AM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]


Metafilter's for closers only.
posted by panboi at 7:13 AM on December 29, 2015




This kind of reminded me of the beginning of Its A Wonderful Life, with angels speaking to each other, visualized as blinking stars. That might have made a better parody, senior angel telling Clarence, "Fuck you, go home and play with your kids…"
posted by 2N2222 at 8:20 AM on December 29, 2015


It was striking to watch the Italian captioner's inability to keep pace with the creative and relentless barrage of cursing.

Bullshit. Fuck that guy if he can't do his fucking job. He's fucking Italian, for Chrissakes. He has a nearly unrivaled treasure trove of glorious and varied native profanity at his disposal, and if that's the best he can do, fuck him. Let him go home to his kids. Coffee is for closed captioners.
posted by The Bellman at 8:48 AM on December 29, 2015 [14 favorites]


I can't help but feel this should be Donald Trump's house.
posted by bearwife at 9:58 AM on December 29, 2015


His neighbor's just put up a set of lights that sync to Ben Affleck's speech from 'Boiler Room'


They've stopped talking to each other.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:20 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


…I'm glad it's just a fake and it's not some obnoxious display that's actually playing every night and driving an entire suburb insane.

Eh, some of my family went to see a non-fake synced christmas light display like this in the LA area this year, but with a more traditional christmas medley. The music wasn't just blaring on repeat from speakers in the yard, it was being broadcast on a little radio station low powered enough not to need licensing, and people listened on their car speakers while watching.
posted by JiBB at 10:27 AM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Honestly, the idea is fun. But it's poorly executed, even if it's fake.
posted by OwlBoy at 10:36 AM on December 29, 2015


meanwhile, in Jersey, somebody has been stealing baby Jesuses (Jesui) out of mangers.


Are they sure the livestock aren't just eating them by mistake?
posted by TedW at 10:47 AM on December 29, 2015


Needs more "You see this watch? It cost more than your car."

Can't find the interview right now, but FWIW, when Alan Alda was playing Levene in a revival of Glengarry Glen Ross for the stage, he said that during one performance someone in the crowd yelled out "Stop swearing so much!"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:15 AM on December 29, 2015


Cocoa is for cobblers! Cocoa is for cobblers!

You think I am screwing around? I am not screwing around!


I have never seen that! That's awesome! I love it when Baldwin forgets the modified lines even though he's staring at the chalkboard and says "closing" instead of "cobblers"!
posted by numaner at 2:43 PM on December 29, 2015


Here's the Baldwin SNL parody on Hulu, where it won't eventually get caught by the Youtube copyright bot and deleted.
posted by phearlez at 8:29 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


- It was striking to watch the Italian captioner's inability to keep pace with the creative and relentless barrage of cursing.

- Bullshit. Fuck that guy if he can't do his fucking job. He's fucking Italian, for Chrissakes. He has a nearly unrivaled treasure trove of glorious and varied native profanity at his disposal, and if that's the best he can do, fuck him. Let him go home to his kids.


"Sei una brava persona? Non me ne frega un cazzo. Un buon padre? Vaffanculo a casa tua a giocare con i ragazzini".

Can't find the subtitles, cazzo! but there's a few videos of the dubbed over Italian version and I can't say the dubbers did a bad job there with the cursing - and I hate dubbing. Of course you miss the potency of the original, it's never the same, but it doesn't sound like they flattened it or toned it down. There's also this other bit with Al Pacino with a sequence of stronzone, pezzo di merda, coglione, testa di cazzo, imbecille in the space of a few seconds. So at least the dubbers did use a fuller arsenal there. (Not sure profanity in Italian is inherently more glorious or varied than in English though, English can be a lot more inventive especially in movie dialogues. And a lot of the variety in Italian profanity is regional or dialectal and you can't use that in dubbing over an American film!).

Subtitles need to be shorter and if the dialogue is too quick they will cut out a few bits. So I can well imagine the subtitlers may have "abridged" the cursing in the most relentless bits. And it will never ever sound the same as in the original. Don't blame that on the subtitlers. Sono brave persone...
posted by bitteschoen at 2:51 PM on December 30, 2015


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