The Internet can't decide how dogs should wear pants.

December 29, 2015 4:10 PM

You can pin the blame on Maxim. Additional “coverage” from Thrillist, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, The Daily Mail, TIME, Mashable, and CBS.
posted by Going To Maine (83 comments total)

(Also, some kind moderator: please use the img tag to post the requisite graphic in this thread. Thanks!)
posted by Going To Maine at 4:12 PM on December 29, 2015

We might need to update the 'Predictions for Journalism 2016' post, because this is not how I expected journalism to end 2015.
posted by Mezentian at 4:14 PM on December 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

Why can't the internet decide this? The first option is insane nonsense. The dog's butt isn't even inside the pants, for crying out loud.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:15 PM on December 29, 2015 [35 favorites]

The first option is obviously correct. Pants go on legs. The dog has four legs. Ergo, option 1.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:18 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

It looks white and gold to me.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 4:18 PM on December 29, 2015 [30 favorites]

THERE! ARE! FOUR! LEGS!
posted by Cosine at 4:19 PM on December 29, 2015 [21 favorites]

Yes, Going to Maine, but pants only have two legs. Therefore, the dog needs a second pair of pants.
posted by Roentgen at 4:19 PM on December 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

In the 1900's or so there was a concerted effort by the good ladies that brought us prohibition to also require dogs to be diapered. Along with business cycles that was something of a peak and the silliness went away during the depression and world wars. Perhaps in a cycle the dog silliness will also regress, sorry that it'll take global warming and untold millions of suffering folks to reverse the pants on dogs trend.

Let dogs be dogs.
posted by sammyo at 4:19 PM on December 29, 2015

The only winning move is not to play.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:20 PM on December 29, 2015 [14 favorites]

on the internet nobody knows you are hello this is pants can I have my treat now?
posted by idiopath at 4:20 PM on December 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

It's weird how semi-obscure internet things reappear out of nowhere and are suddenly everywhere, a year or two or three later.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:22 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, Going to Maine, but pants only have two legs. Therefore, the dog needs a second pair of pants.

A good compromise leaves everyone mad.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:23 PM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

Pants are fundamentally garments for bipeds, though, so you've got to pretend like dogs are bipedal. Plus, this is 2015, it's not like we've just invented dog clothes; they all work on the analogy to people basis.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:24 PM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

Dogs should wear pants with Sunglasses and Wellies, obviously.
posted by marienbad at 4:24 PM on December 29, 2015

Pants are fundamentally garments for bipeds,

Objection! Pants are fundamentally garments for animals that make pants. If a dog could use its mouth to sew, it could stitch pants.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:25 PM on December 29, 2015

Oh boy, an ironic internet debate! That's where I'm a Viking!
posted by Ian A.T. at 4:26 PM on December 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

Ironic?
posted by Going To Maine at 4:26 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Honestly, as long as your dog is really wearing assless chaps either fit is good. Otherwise, you'll be regularly cleaning poop and urine from their pants legs.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:27 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's hard to be a writer, you know. There's only so much content out there.
posted by bleep at 4:28 PM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

Anyone who says it's the left option is a troll and a rabble-rouser and not somebody I would enter into any sort of contract with.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:31 PM on December 29, 2015 [13 favorites]

It's an amusing drawing, but I'm on the two-legged pants team. Human arms evolved from quadripeds' front legs; a dog with front-leg pants would be like us wearing pants on our arms.

Also, one of the main goals of pants is to cover the butt and genitals, and I have never seen a dog with a forebutt.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:32 PM on December 29, 2015 [12 favorites]

Four legs good, two legs bad better.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:34 PM on December 29, 2015

At the Toronto Pride day in '93, I saw a well endowed, unfixed basset hound wearing assless chaps.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:36 PM on December 29, 2015 [7 favorites]

All chaps are assless, btw.
posted by peeedro at 4:39 PM on December 29, 2015 [22 favorites]

The solution is that dogs should wear pants on their hind legs, but waders on all four legs. This debate arises because the target zones for pants and waders happen to be congruent in bipeds.
posted by The Tensor at 4:39 PM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

Well is the purpose of pants to cover your legs or cover your ass? Because if it's just to cover your ass then you could just wear shorts all year. If it's to keep your legs warm then of course it has to be option 1.
posted by Hazelsmrf at 4:40 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I like option two from an aesthetic viewpoint but realistically the dog is just going to poop in there.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 4:47 PM on December 29, 2015 [10 favorites]

One needs to combine both options for dog pants to work.
posted by pseudodionysus at 4:50 PM on December 29, 2015

theoretically i think the left one makes more sense, in terms of leg coverage and butthole accessibility, but the right one is far superior aesthetically

is this the place where we share our favorite pics of dogs in pants?
posted by burgerrr at 4:52 PM on December 29, 2015

If a man wore pants would he wear them like this or like this?
posted by hindmost at 4:52 PM on December 29, 2015 [24 favorites]

It's the one on the right. Two points:

1. If you asked how a dog should wear a shirt, it would go on the top half only. Some people do this for their dogs. like sweaters and things. Ergo, the part remaining for the pants is the bottom half, as in the second picture.

2. Some dogs have been known to stand up or walk on their hind legs. Therefore, it seems that the method should be able to function comfortably as pants regardless of the dog's preferred method of locomotion. The second option allows for both of these without it becoming at times some sort of weird looking four-armed apron or bib.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:55 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Dogs have hips and dogs have shoulders. Pants cover hips. Shirts cover shoulders. Therefore pants go on the bum of a dog, not on all four "legs". If they went on all four legs then how is he supposed to wear a shirt?!
posted by Crystalinne at 4:55 PM on December 29, 2015 [16 favorites]

A key question that should make things more clear would be "How many knees does a dog have?"

Do you wear pants over your elbows?
posted by sonascope at 5:02 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

How many knees does a dog have? Two. They also have two elbows, and it’s not just a semantic thing. A dog’s front legs are built more like a human arm than a leg, complete with a shoulder (not hip), humerus, radius and ulna. The rears leg are attached to the pelvis and include a femur, fibula and tibia, as well as a patella which I’m pretty sure is a kneecap. Source: some random blog.
posted by Mezentian at 5:05 PM on December 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

If a man wore pants would he wear them like this or like this?

It depends, is this man Prince?
posted by idiopath at 5:06 PM on December 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

Anyone who has seen a dog chew a bone knows they use their front paws LIKE HANDS DAMMIT!
posted by ian1977 at 5:08 PM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

If a man wore pants would he wear them like this or like this?

I came here to post this. In 2015, truly, we've entered some kind of reality where post-internet weird hijinx art is the New Normal.
posted by naju at 5:09 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Does Brian Griffin wear pants? No, ergo, dog's would not wear pants, even if they could talk.
posted by T.D. Strange at 5:09 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Does Brian Griffin wear pants? No, ergo, dog's would not wear pants, even if they could talk.

This is perhaps the only time on MetaFilter I’ve seen someone use Seth MacFarlane in an appeal to authority.
posted by Going To Maine at 5:13 PM on December 29, 2015 [11 favorites]

I am not a dog, and I am not wearing pants right now. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right thread.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:18 PM on December 29, 2015 [14 favorites]

All chaps are assless, btw.

Thank you. If my wife were here she would also like to remind everyone that it's pronounced "shaps".
posted by ftm at 5:19 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I also have a hard time believing that any species not inherently prone to promoting and passively accepting a shame-based existence would wear miserable binding heavy draggy awful stupid trousers in the first place. I can't get mine off fast enough as soon as I'm outside of the reach of the forces of dullsville.
posted by sonascope at 5:22 PM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

this is disgusting and i expected better from metafilter

how dare you all pantshame these innocent creatures
posted by poffin boffin at 5:31 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

it's pronounced "shaps".

Noooooo my whole life has been a LIE.
posted by Hazelsmrf at 5:34 PM on December 29, 2015

Why are we torturing sweet puppies with leg prisons?
posted by Lemmy Caution at 5:59 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

I don't even want to look at the first option. Where would you even get a belt that big?


This terrifying four-legged dog pants ideology will be the downfall of our entire civilization!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:14 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Think about the rostral caudal orientation.
Pants cover the back half, adorable dog sweater covers the front half.
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 6:24 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

The only thing four-legged pants can do is fall down.

Our oldest dog wears pants (for her spay incontinence), and they cover her back half only. She enjoys wearing them.* Consider this debate put to rest.

* Because she gets the handful of treats that makes putting them on without puncture wounds possible.
posted by maxwelton at 6:26 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

TheWhiteSkull: worse yet, how would you differentiate a belt on four legged dog pants, from suspenders?
posted by idiopath at 6:29 PM on December 29, 2015

TheWhiteSkull: worse yet, how would you differentiate a belt on four legged dog pants, from suspenders?

Like so.
posted by Going To Maine at 6:48 PM on December 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

Going To Maine: what I mean is, on the dog on the left, is that suspenders, or belts?
posted by idiopath at 6:51 PM on December 29, 2015

It's pronounced Chaaaaps.
posted by Foosnark at 7:08 PM on December 29, 2015

Going To Maine: what I mean is, on the dog on the left, is that suspenders, or belts?

That is a belt and two suspenders.
posted by Going To Maine at 7:10 PM on December 29, 2015

For what it's worth, the author's father is a noted Boston-area pundit/personality/bloviator.
posted by adamg at 7:39 PM on December 29, 2015

Brought to you by SINA, The Society for Indecency to Naked Animals. Remember: A nude horse is a rude horse.

High on the wings of SINA / we fight for the future now;
Let's clothe every pet and animal / whether dog, cat, horse or cow!

posted by BungaDunga at 7:43 PM on December 29, 2015

If you want to know how a dog wears pants ask the furries. They've been working on this for decades now.
posted by solarion at 8:30 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

More to the point, the pants are clearly blue and black.
posted by ilana at 9:10 PM on December 29, 2015

The pants seem closer to purple than pink to me
posted by numaner at 9:51 PM on December 29, 2015

The dog on the right is wearing pants. The dog on the left is hollow, and is slowly being filled with water.
posted by purpleclover at 10:35 PM on December 29, 2015 [17 favorites]

Purpleclover, that was exactly what I thought when I first saw these images.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:15 AM on December 30, 2015

It is clearly the back leg only option because pants shouldn't cover nipples.
posted by Apoch at 1:35 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ed Grimley disagrees about that nipple coverage thing.
posted by ardgedee at 3:45 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Pants are fundamentally garments for bipeds,
Only in English. In French and Spanish, for example trousers/pants are singular items.
posted by rongorongo at 4:27 AM on December 30, 2015

Pants are fundamentally garments for bipeds,
Only in English.

*ahem* Only in American English *cough* should be trousers
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:51 AM on December 30, 2015

I have watched thousands of cartoons about dogs. I have never once seen the arrangement on the left. Case closed.
posted by Splunge at 5:58 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

That wasn't a linguistic argument though. It's not "pants are plural," it's "pants have two parts, not four, have you even seen pants?"
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:59 AM on December 30, 2015

Patricia Lockwood has an important citation on this topic.
posted by idiopath at 8:18 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

The top reddit comment is compelling:

Well pants are a human invention so if they were to wear them like humans it would be like the ones on the right. However, if dogs invented dog pants it would be like the ones on the left, leaving the asshole freely available for greetings and ice breakers.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:31 AM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

If someone came to the my house and my partner yelled at me, "PUT SOME PANTS ON!" it wouldn't be because you could see my legs. It would be because you could see my ass and genitals. Hence, two legs for dogs, too. They don't have a front ass or front genitals.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:43 AM on December 30, 2015

Speak for yourself.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:47 AM on December 30, 2015

I'd be interested in what maneuvers the dog would take to get out of the pants. High-step, try and race out of them, or something else.
posted by SillyShepherd at 10:02 AM on December 30, 2015

lay on back and stare plaintively while wiggling legs until human fixes it
posted by idiopath at 10:23 AM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]

This is the final nail in the coffin.
posted by Splunge at 11:48 AM on December 30, 2015

I have looked on the Intarnets. Why are there no dogs in overalls?
posted by BlueHorse at 2:11 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't even want to look at the first option. Where would you even get a belt that big?

Walmart.
posted by butterstick at 3:21 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

The venn diagram of people who think the left picture is correct and people who believe cereal is soup is one big circle.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:31 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

I mean, just look at this and then tell me that you think the left picture is still correct.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:34 PM on December 30, 2015

I found the dog pants in the left picture.
posted by idiopath at 3:07 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]

i need more context pls and thank u.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:24 PM on January 1, 2016

are they dog paratroopers? PLEASE I NEED TO KNOW WHICH ARMY WILL SEND IN DOGS BY PLANE i must start a war with them immediately.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:24 PM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

best of the spin-off questions I have seen so far
posted by idiopath at 8:53 PM on January 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

If tardigrades wore pants.
(corollary: if dogs or humans could go for 10 years without food and survive the vacuum of space, they would probably be confident to go pantless).
posted by rongorongo at 11:15 PM on January 2, 2016 [3 favorites]

I found the dog pants in the left picture.

MUDDY MUTTS is an adorable name for such a wrong thing of pants.
posted by numaner at 2:58 PM on January 5, 2016