Just in time for Dryanuary
December 30, 2015 11:09 AM Subscribe
i especially liked this part of the essay - as a still active likely problem drinker, it really hit home.
That’s a problem for me. Because I still want to drink. I still plan to drink. Every day I think, “This is the day I get to have a martini.” Not just any martini, mind you, but a Hendrick’s martini, two ounces—no, four—shaken till nearly frozen, lovingly poured into an angular, tall-stemmed, arms-wide-open glass. I swoon, even now, at the thought of it.posted by nadawi at 11:29 AM on December 30, 2015 [37 favorites]
And then I think, “Get real. You don’t want one martini. You want a date with the bottle.” And so I sigh and go about my business, hoping that tomorrow will be the day I get to have a martini without having a problem.
I took 7 weeks off from drinking, after I noticed it was becoming an increasingly large part of my life. Since then I've found it to be really unenjoyable in any more excess than a single drink, and even those are iffy. Sobriety broke me and I'm fine with it. The occasional beer will be nice but now I just don't care to do it. Bonus side effect is that I've lost weight.
posted by msbutah at 11:31 AM on December 30, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by msbutah at 11:31 AM on December 30, 2015 [17 favorites]
I like this. I don't really drink and I am always looking for ways to deal with this socially, particularly at work events. A lot of people try to push me to drink, and "I'm not drinking right now" really does not always work, at least for me. I can repeat it like a broken record but it really does not sway some people (always men) from making it a topic and pushing on it every time I am at a place that also has alcohol. And I don't drink just because I don't: it's expensive, I don't find it super enjoyable, and I do have some health issues that alcohol exacerbates, and blahblahblah, personal decision stuff that's actually pretty boring. But saying "I'm not drinking tonight/now/anytime in the near future probably" seems to open a door for people to get personal and pushy, and that can be at best annoying, and at worst very difficult to manage. (Oh, and when I say "no thanks" for the second time in a row, this still opens the door: "You never drink! Why not?!")
However, it sort of sounds like this person is spending time with people who perhaps felt that she had a drinking problem but didn't acknowledge it to her. They may be pretty happy that she's no longer drinking, so saying "I'm not drinking right now" might garner her a lot less push-back than I get.
posted by sockermom at 11:36 AM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
However, it sort of sounds like this person is spending time with people who perhaps felt that she had a drinking problem but didn't acknowledge it to her. They may be pretty happy that she's no longer drinking, so saying "I'm not drinking right now" might garner her a lot less push-back than I get.
posted by sockermom at 11:36 AM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
"Dryanuary"? Pfft. Sobertober is where it's at.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:37 AM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:37 AM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments removed. If you're primary reaction to something in a post is essentially "I don't think this should have been written", probably better to just skip the post.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:40 AM on December 30, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:40 AM on December 30, 2015 [22 favorites]
Something I've learned and applied in many places: "No." is a complete sentence.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:41 AM on December 30, 2015 [57 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:41 AM on December 30, 2015 [57 favorites]
I did over a 150 days of not-drinking earlier this year and though the first few weeks were weirdly hard--you don't notice how much social life revolves around going for drinks, having drinks with dinner, etc until then--I eventually was able to not think of it. I mean, there were always moments of "shit, what a terrible day, I'd love to have a beer or go out for a beer." People were surprisingly cool about my choosing not to drink during that time--the rare pushback came from my old drinking buddies back home who just didn't get why I would do this for such a long period of time--and very supportive.
Aside from really wanting to do my Ladies in Booze podcast in 2016, I'm trying to figure out how to do that balance, knowing I might have to have a few drinks for some bits and not wanting to have drinks for any other part of my life.
posted by Kitteh at 11:42 AM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Aside from really wanting to do my Ladies in Booze podcast in 2016, I'm trying to figure out how to do that balance, knowing I might have to have a few drinks for some bits and not wanting to have drinks for any other part of my life.
posted by Kitteh at 11:42 AM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
it's been long enough that people don't ask me about it anymore, mostly. but woe betide the fool who might become pushy and aggro about it sometime in the future, because i see absolutely no reason to make someone else feel comfortable about my personal decision that matters to and affects only me. if me saying "no thanks, i don't drink anymore" makes someone not want to hang out with me then it's obvious that we've both dodged a bullet.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:48 AM on December 30, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:48 AM on December 30, 2015 [34 favorites]
And, yeah, it is really weird to be the one person in the room not drinking. If you've been drinking with them before, they assume you've got a Problem; if you haven't, they assume you've got some sort of moral objection to alcohol. I usually say something along the lines of "oh, I drink, just not very often," and I'm not sure people believe me. People assume that if you drink, you'll drink whenever the opportunity presents itself.
I became a not-much-drinker when my social life incidentally shifted from drinky to non-drinky activities. It just sort of happened on its own. My experience has been similar to msbutah's: my body's no longer accustomed to alcohol, so it's an unpredictable and sometimes unpleasant experience. Most of the time, I can have one drink and be just fine, but every now and then I'll get disproportionately tipsy after half a beer, or get a hangovery headache before I'm even done, and it'll mess with my sleep and I'll feel out of sorts the next day. It doesn't always happen, but it happens often enough that I generally choose not to drink.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
I became a not-much-drinker when my social life incidentally shifted from drinky to non-drinky activities. It just sort of happened on its own. My experience has been similar to msbutah's: my body's no longer accustomed to alcohol, so it's an unpredictable and sometimes unpleasant experience. Most of the time, I can have one drink and be just fine, but every now and then I'll get disproportionately tipsy after half a beer, or get a hangovery headache before I'm even done, and it'll mess with my sleep and I'll feel out of sorts the next day. It doesn't always happen, but it happens often enough that I generally choose not to drink.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
It's a great idea for anyone who is concerned they may be drinking too much. How hard is it, really, for you to stop for a month? Does it lead to any change, after the month is over, or do you quickly ramp up back to where you were before, drinking-wise? (This was absolutely essential in me becoming convinced that I had to stop for real, because stopping for a defined time changed nothing and my drinking was even worse 6 months later). What does a month of your booze budget actually do for you when it's money in hand?
And I can understand people who feel confident that they are fine with their drinking doing the sober January thing, too, as well, as part of an effort to start the year off healthy or whatever.
posted by thelonius at 12:08 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
And I can understand people who feel confident that they are fine with their drinking doing the sober January thing, too, as well, as part of an effort to start the year off healthy or whatever.
posted by thelonius at 12:08 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I kinda think the author should just go ahead and have that martini. I'd oppose the "problem drinker" label but for the buzzed driving part. Having not had a drink in that long, though, I'd think she could muster the will to use uber more.
Haven't had a drink in three weeks, for reasons. Certainly identify with "For better and worse, online dating is out now, too. I don’t like the kind of people who meet for coffee. I like the kind of people who meet for drinks." Not drinking hasn't been terribly relevatory for me. Life is more fun after a few drinks.
LSD works too, but it's not the same...
posted by booooooze at 12:13 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Haven't had a drink in three weeks, for reasons. Certainly identify with "For better and worse, online dating is out now, too. I don’t like the kind of people who meet for coffee. I like the kind of people who meet for drinks." Not drinking hasn't been terribly relevatory for me. Life is more fun after a few drinks.
LSD works too, but it's not the same...
posted by booooooze at 12:13 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I did "Septdrymber" this year as a bit of a reality check and because I was working through some anxiety issues. Fortunately I didn't find it particularly challenging. I do think it was useful to take the break and become more mindful of my drinking habits though and I think I may try to do it annually. I'm also thinking about going dry for February as well as a post-holiday reset for my liver and my wallet. However I can't think of a clever name for that one.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 12:18 PM on December 30, 2015
posted by sevenyearlurk at 12:18 PM on December 30, 2015
As someone whose birthday falls in January, "Dryanuary" strikes me as another cruel joke, a sort of adult counterpart to having had Christmas and your birthday fall in the same parental paycheque.
posted by acb at 12:20 PM on December 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by acb at 12:20 PM on December 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
A lot of people try to push me to drink, and "I'm not drinking right now" really does not always work, at least for me. I can repeat it like a broken record but it really does not sway some people (always men) from making it a topic and pushing on it every time I am at a place that also has alcohol.
For some reason, this makes my blood boil when people describe this experience. Because who. cares. that much about others participating in a voluntary beverage. It always seems to me that these kinds of people have hangups about alcohol more than they are actually enjoying it for good reasons and want others to participate, and are probably carrying residual insecurities that stem back to early experiences with alcohol, so the discussion feels juvenile. Not to mention that not taking "no" for an answer is pretty rude, and reflects a serious lack of imagination regarding legitimate reasons that alcohol might not be good for a particular individual (or they don't care, so again: rude).
I have no experiences with this, nosiree, none at all.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:21 PM on December 30, 2015 [25 favorites]
For some reason, this makes my blood boil when people describe this experience. Because who. cares. that much about others participating in a voluntary beverage. It always seems to me that these kinds of people have hangups about alcohol more than they are actually enjoying it for good reasons and want others to participate, and are probably carrying residual insecurities that stem back to early experiences with alcohol, so the discussion feels juvenile. Not to mention that not taking "no" for an answer is pretty rude, and reflects a serious lack of imagination regarding legitimate reasons that alcohol might not be good for a particular individual (or they don't care, so again: rude).
I have no experiences with this, nosiree, none at all.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:21 PM on December 30, 2015 [25 favorites]
Saying "no thanks" when your social life involves a central place for drinking (which is true for lots of people who probably aren't alcoholics) is hard and provokes questions
I've observed is that this is sometimes true but not consistently true.
There are some circles/groups of people in which saying "No thanks" or even "Naw, I don't drink" doesn't even raise an eyebrow.
Then there are some groups of people in which it iinvokes discomfort. Your choice either says something they don't like about you, or worse, they think it says something about them.
It's tempting to say "well, the second group of people are just immature or assholes or jerks" but my experience is that it isn't that simple. It's certainly more comfortable to navigate an evening with people who are in the first category, but otherwise nice and interesting people sometimes have a weird relationship with alcohol and that bleeds over into their other relationships. This isn't unique to alcohol: otherwise nice and interesting people sometimes have a weird relationship with other substances or politics or religion or whatever. But alcohol might be a place that gets more weird-relationship traffic because of the way in which it's not just a pleasure or a possible experience but simultaneously a social tool and a psychoactive.
To the extent she really means anything like:
"I don't like the kind of people who meet for coffee, I like the kind of people who meet for drinks"
the author is certainly carrying some of that weird relationship, but she seems pretty conscious about trying to deal with that.
posted by namespan at 12:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've observed is that this is sometimes true but not consistently true.
There are some circles/groups of people in which saying "No thanks" or even "Naw, I don't drink" doesn't even raise an eyebrow.
Then there are some groups of people in which it iinvokes discomfort. Your choice either says something they don't like about you, or worse, they think it says something about them.
It's tempting to say "well, the second group of people are just immature or assholes or jerks" but my experience is that it isn't that simple. It's certainly more comfortable to navigate an evening with people who are in the first category, but otherwise nice and interesting people sometimes have a weird relationship with alcohol and that bleeds over into their other relationships. This isn't unique to alcohol: otherwise nice and interesting people sometimes have a weird relationship with other substances or politics or religion or whatever. But alcohol might be a place that gets more weird-relationship traffic because of the way in which it's not just a pleasure or a possible experience but simultaneously a social tool and a psychoactive.
To the extent she really means anything like:
"I don't like the kind of people who meet for coffee, I like the kind of people who meet for drinks"
the author is certainly carrying some of that weird relationship, but she seems pretty conscious about trying to deal with that.
posted by namespan at 12:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whenever I take a month off drinking, it's February. Yes, it's the shortest month.
posted by lumpenprole at 12:24 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by lumpenprole at 12:24 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
My father was an alcoholic. Is, I guess. He's still alive, somewhere, California I think. Sober, although the booze had already wrecked his health before he gave it up (a long, long time ago); I'm convinced that I'm going to live forever just having half his genes. My mother, who raised me, is a teetotaler. Was always terrified that if I had a single sip of alcohol I'd become the terrible drunk that he was. One of the few memories I have of him from my childhood is coming home with my mom to find him passed out in the living room.
Anyway, this is just to say that I drink. I drank sort of a lot in my twenties, as lots of us do. I wouldn't call it problem-drinking, although I suppose some might; I didn't get into fights or have blackouts (well, maybe one or two), but I did sometimes drive when I oughtn't have, and I did have "too many" on a pretty regular basis. My social life was just about entirely based on going to the bar and drinking. Friday happy hour was the highlight of the week: a shitty free buffet and ten bucks worth of twofers to get started. Maybe a few more after that.
Circumstances have dictated a whole lot less drinking in the last three years or so. Even when I do meet our friends for a drink or drop in at a party, I know what I'm going to feel like the next day if I work up more than little buzz. I still really like beer, but I don't always want the effects, primary or secondary. So I drink less. One beer in a night. Two maybe. Three on a Sunday afternoon when I've got time to sober up before bed. Four on special occasions, even though I know I'll pay for it.
If I still drank like I did five years ago? I might try a dry month, sure. Resetting my relationship with alcohol has been interesting, and maybe a little bit enlightening. Life is different.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:27 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Anyway, this is just to say that I drink. I drank sort of a lot in my twenties, as lots of us do. I wouldn't call it problem-drinking, although I suppose some might; I didn't get into fights or have blackouts (well, maybe one or two), but I did sometimes drive when I oughtn't have, and I did have "too many" on a pretty regular basis. My social life was just about entirely based on going to the bar and drinking. Friday happy hour was the highlight of the week: a shitty free buffet and ten bucks worth of twofers to get started. Maybe a few more after that.
Circumstances have dictated a whole lot less drinking in the last three years or so. Even when I do meet our friends for a drink or drop in at a party, I know what I'm going to feel like the next day if I work up more than little buzz. I still really like beer, but I don't always want the effects, primary or secondary. So I drink less. One beer in a night. Two maybe. Three on a Sunday afternoon when I've got time to sober up before bed. Four on special occasions, even though I know I'll pay for it.
If I still drank like I did five years ago? I might try a dry month, sure. Resetting my relationship with alcohol has been interesting, and maybe a little bit enlightening. Life is different.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:27 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've been doing this for a few years, had no idea it was a thing. I confess I usually make an exception if I end up traveling in the middle of it, there's no way I'm dealing with international air travel sober.
For me it's a great reset to the constant "come have a beer and hang out" type social events. For the month itself I have an iron-clad excuse and, having had some time to fucking relax, I find it much easier to say no to them in the months following. Eventually my willpower fails me and it's time to take a month off again. The "yes, I really can just stop drinking" reality check is nice too.
Nobody has ever given me a hard time about it thankfully.
posted by Skorgu at 12:29 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me it's a great reset to the constant "come have a beer and hang out" type social events. For the month itself I have an iron-clad excuse and, having had some time to fucking relax, I find it much easier to say no to them in the months following. Eventually my willpower fails me and it's time to take a month off again. The "yes, I really can just stop drinking" reality check is nice too.
Nobody has ever given me a hard time about it thankfully.
posted by Skorgu at 12:29 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have been an alcoholic for 20 years or so, but the closest I've been to getting off it for any decent length of time was Allen Carr's book. His thing is a reframing of alcohol in your mind as something that doesn't actually give you any genuine pleasure or support - you just keep believing that it does. Some of which was touched on in the article.
posted by colie at 12:36 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by colie at 12:36 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah, the last paragraph. I quit drinking after an epic binge on my birthday in 1997. Woke up the next day with a pretty clear idea that I needed to stop, like, now. So I stopped. Things got better pretty quickly over the next 2 months, to the point where I was having mystic experiences just being alive and awake inside my own head -- it was a fantastic 2 months. I didn't even think about never drinking again, because that was too much to shoulder at age 35, so I just didn't drink right now. It worked great for over 2 months.
A friend had given he a pint of Sam Smith's Taddy Porter for my birthday that I hadn't gotten to before puking, so I just left that bottle in my fridge. I decided I'd leave it there until I was ready to drink again, & that would be my reward. Once I opened that beer some time in mid-January though, it was pretty clear that I couldn't have one beer. I can tell you I never wanted anything more in my life than another beer when I'd finished that one. After 2 & 1/2 months, I simply craved another beer with every fiber of my being, & THAT was when I realized I was done. It'll be 18 years in a couple weeks & I regret not one moment spent not-drinking.
Some people can set it aside, some people can just decide to drink less, & they drink less. Some people just don't feel like having a drink except every few days or weeks, & it doesn't control their minds & bodies. Some people who drank alcoholically can walk away because of a kid or a new job or something, and man, I salute those folks. It took that one last beer though to realize I wasn't one of those people.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:38 PM on December 30, 2015 [59 favorites]
A friend had given he a pint of Sam Smith's Taddy Porter for my birthday that I hadn't gotten to before puking, so I just left that bottle in my fridge. I decided I'd leave it there until I was ready to drink again, & that would be my reward. Once I opened that beer some time in mid-January though, it was pretty clear that I couldn't have one beer. I can tell you I never wanted anything more in my life than another beer when I'd finished that one. After 2 & 1/2 months, I simply craved another beer with every fiber of my being, & THAT was when I realized I was done. It'll be 18 years in a couple weeks & I regret not one moment spent not-drinking.
Some people can set it aside, some people can just decide to drink less, & they drink less. Some people just don't feel like having a drink except every few days or weeks, & it doesn't control their minds & bodies. Some people who drank alcoholically can walk away because of a kid or a new job or something, and man, I salute those folks. It took that one last beer though to realize I wasn't one of those people.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:38 PM on December 30, 2015 [59 favorites]
I don't think anyone has ever asked me why I don't drink while they were drinking. Every time I go out to a drinking event, I rehearse my little speech, but once I'm there, it never comes up. It turns out that people who are drinking are usually more interested in, drinking than in, you know, other people.
Incidentally, that's why I don't drink.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:40 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Incidentally, that's why I don't drink.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:40 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Something about the tone and over-wroughtness of this bugs me. Not in a "it shouldn't have been written" way, but in a drunkalogue way. Being someone whose struggled with problem drinking(and honestly alcoholism) in a really drunk city full of alcoholics... It just kind of rings really hollow to me? The article just feels a lot less sincere than its tagline.
I think what bugs me is the othering from the groups throughout the piece. She's not sober, she didn't stop, she's just taking a break right now. This isn't some indictment of calling it what you think makes the most sense to you, it's just something i've seen friends who had real, and big, drinking problems say many times. And i mean from many people, not the same people repeatedly(although in some cases that too). She was never in the group, so the change she's making is from a different place, duh.
I'm not saying this is self aggrandizing or hollow or anything, just that it kind of stings because it reads like the words of many people i've known who are more destructive of drunks than they realize and basically try and rationalize and cute-justification their way out of it. Especially the whole "i'm not an alcoholic because of these lines i picked" which is always followed, among friends, by "i mean it's not like i'm so-and-so right?".
So, i'm not even sure how to tie this one up, but pretty much even if she's not drinking right now, she still sounds like an active drunk and is still using the same language and justifications. There's lots of intelligent quick jabs and some self deprecation in here, but also quite a bit of chest puffing and "see i'm not one of THOSE guys. A few bad things happened and i turned it around!".
I guess my point is, i haven't seen anyone who talked like this about it turn it around or stick to it. The people i know who ever did, were the ones she realized were quietly sitting in the room. The ones who ended up talking to me and saying a bunch of stuff like this just... usually didn't. It actually kind of makes me sad because it feels like an insincere apology. Like, i'm changing because i feel like i have to, not because i want to. See, even the CDC says i wasn't an alcoholic. It just strikes me as thou doth protest too much layered beneath some quasi-deepness.
posted by emptythought at 12:41 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
I think what bugs me is the othering from the groups throughout the piece. She's not sober, she didn't stop, she's just taking a break right now. This isn't some indictment of calling it what you think makes the most sense to you, it's just something i've seen friends who had real, and big, drinking problems say many times. And i mean from many people, not the same people repeatedly(although in some cases that too). She was never in the group, so the change she's making is from a different place, duh.
I'm not saying this is self aggrandizing or hollow or anything, just that it kind of stings because it reads like the words of many people i've known who are more destructive of drunks than they realize and basically try and rationalize and cute-justification their way out of it. Especially the whole "i'm not an alcoholic because of these lines i picked" which is always followed, among friends, by "i mean it's not like i'm so-and-so right?".
So, i'm not even sure how to tie this one up, but pretty much even if she's not drinking right now, she still sounds like an active drunk and is still using the same language and justifications. There's lots of intelligent quick jabs and some self deprecation in here, but also quite a bit of chest puffing and "see i'm not one of THOSE guys. A few bad things happened and i turned it around!".
I guess my point is, i haven't seen anyone who talked like this about it turn it around or stick to it. The people i know who ever did, were the ones she realized were quietly sitting in the room. The ones who ended up talking to me and saying a bunch of stuff like this just... usually didn't. It actually kind of makes me sad because it feels like an insincere apology. Like, i'm changing because i feel like i have to, not because i want to. See, even the CDC says i wasn't an alcoholic. It just strikes me as thou doth protest too much layered beneath some quasi-deepness.
posted by emptythought at 12:41 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yeah, and good lord do I gobble down the sweets now, but seriously. A pint of Ben & Jerry's has never caused me to crash a car, pick a fight with a friend or spouse, or gotten me fired from a job, so I just look down at my little but slowly growing gut & heave a quiet sigh.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:43 PM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:43 PM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
A lot of people try to push me to drink, and "I'm not drinking right now" really does not always work, at least for me. I can repeat it like a broken record but it really does not sway some people (always men) from making it a topic and pushing on it every time I am at a place that also has alcohol.
The older I get, the less and less I see this, which is good. It was weirdly prominent when I was in my twenties and partway into my thirties, and it always rubbed me (as the person who often wasn't drinking that evening) the wrong way. At this point I don't have any patience for people like this and outside of work things where you are stuck with those people, I feel very free to cut them out of my life entirely.
I haven't had a desire to have an alcohol free month, but I have been working on being a lot more conscious about drinking, so as to reserve it for when a drink is what I really want rather than just an accustomed placeholder that could just as easily be filled with herbal tea or whatever. I know so many people who appear to have Problems that it makes me kind of paranoid and overly self-conscious about drinking, regardless of my actual intake. Like a lot of people with insomnia issues, sometimes alcohol seems to help and other times hurt, which makes getting the right balance tricky as well.
Anyway, I liked the article a lot and found it thought-provoking in good ways.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
The older I get, the less and less I see this, which is good. It was weirdly prominent when I was in my twenties and partway into my thirties, and it always rubbed me (as the person who often wasn't drinking that evening) the wrong way. At this point I don't have any patience for people like this and outside of work things where you are stuck with those people, I feel very free to cut them out of my life entirely.
I haven't had a desire to have an alcohol free month, but I have been working on being a lot more conscious about drinking, so as to reserve it for when a drink is what I really want rather than just an accustomed placeholder that could just as easily be filled with herbal tea or whatever. I know so many people who appear to have Problems that it makes me kind of paranoid and overly self-conscious about drinking, regardless of my actual intake. Like a lot of people with insomnia issues, sometimes alcohol seems to help and other times hurt, which makes getting the right balance tricky as well.
Anyway, I liked the article a lot and found it thought-provoking in good ways.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Every time I go out to a drinking event, I rehearse my little speech, but once I'm there, it never comes up.
Not drinking is good for your health, but this sentence reminds me a bit of what it's like to be over 40 (which I am). Younger people out partying don't seem at all bothered about your age, and then they just get on with their fun times without you.
posted by colie at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not drinking is good for your health, but this sentence reminds me a bit of what it's like to be over 40 (which I am). Younger people out partying don't seem at all bothered about your age, and then they just get on with their fun times without you.
posted by colie at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
My group of friends occasionally makes noise about how "social event" shouldn't have to equal "get drinks" but nobody can ever think of any other actual thing to do. (And sober-ish events don't really get enthusiastically attended.) That said, individuals in the group have definitely gone temporarily sober/permanently sober/knocked-up-so-sober-for-now/just-not-feelin-it-tonight-sober without raising any eyebrows. And as more of them do so, we basically just hang out less and less. I don't tend to go drinking by myself, so I've spent many a grudging and involuntary sober month lately.
The level at which I miss it would certainly look like a problem to an outside observer, but then again there are two full bottles of whiskey and an unopened red wine on my bookshelf right now, just collecting dust. It ain't the booze I miss when I'm sober, apparently. It's the going out drinking.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
The level at which I miss it would certainly look like a problem to an outside observer, but then again there are two full bottles of whiskey and an unopened red wine on my bookshelf right now, just collecting dust. It ain't the booze I miss when I'm sober, apparently. It's the going out drinking.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
My group of friends occasionally makes noise about how "social event" shouldn't have to equal "get drinks" but nobody can ever think of any other actual thing to do.
You can order a rum and Coke without the rum, you realize.
posted by Etrigan at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
You can order a rum and Coke without the rum, you realize.
posted by Etrigan at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I found this article via a friend on Twitter in which we discussed about how not-drinking never made us stay in bed all day with nausea and a massive headache, compelled us to make late night phone calls we shouldn't have, ate an entire pizza at 2 am, decided to go home with that one guy because why not but I can't remember anything after we got back to my place, or black out or brown out.
I do like drinking. But at 39, I'm definitely starting to feel like it should be less and less a part of my entire adulthood.
posted by Kitteh at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I do like drinking. But at 39, I'm definitely starting to feel like it should be less and less a part of my entire adulthood.
posted by Kitteh at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's the going out drinking.
Ah, yes, I like this, too. Sitting at a bar with my husband is one of my favorite things, be it at a dive in our neighborhood or at a fancy museum. It's extremely enjoyable, and we are both lucky that we don't have an issue taking a break from alcohol if and when we need to.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:50 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Ah, yes, I like this, too. Sitting at a bar with my husband is one of my favorite things, be it at a dive in our neighborhood or at a fancy museum. It's extremely enjoyable, and we are both lucky that we don't have an issue taking a break from alcohol if and when we need to.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:50 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do love a good bar. It's very hard for me to hang out at a bar sober. I can, but it sort of sucks. Restaurants are fine because I am there to eat, but when you go to establishments expressly designed for drinking, it's difficult.
posted by Kitteh at 12:55 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 12:55 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
My Bear is a recovering alcoholic, with more than 30 years of sobriety now. Being with him has made me much more aware about how seductive and dangerous alcohol consumption can be. . . it is all too easy to pour a glass of wine every night, and of course consistent drinking leads to alcohol tolerance. I've gotten into stopping drinking at all periodically -- I'm planning on doing it again for febfast this year to begin with -- because otherwise I think it is much too easy to keep upping the drinking. Ann Dowsett Johnston chronicles how this happened to her in her excellent book, Drink, the Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol.
I think people fall into alcoholism without realizing they've arrived, and this author is a good example of an alcoholic who can't admit their addiction as yet. Some of the giveaways for me in this article are the consistent drinking, the anger at someone who asks that it stop, the interest in being with other drinkers (which is also why people resist abstention -- it takes away their own permission to drink if others don't join them.) And I notice that the author is reflecting something that goes with drinking, which is a sort of shallow emotionalism without actually experiencing it. I am referring to the easy tears that people can't recall shedding, the explosive anger that seems alien when they sober up, the drunk dialing to say things people aren't truly feeling.
Also interesting is the author's recounting of the joys of sobriety, which underlies how heavy the drinking really was before:
Despite my resistance to sobriety as more than a brief experiment, I cannot deny the improvements as well as the discomforts not-drinking has brought me. I sleep better when I don’t attempt to douse my lifelong insomnia with a very tall nightcap. I’ve been more productive, since now I can work after dinner, so I’m making more money. I’m saving money, too: Even at five bucks a pint, Ben & Jerry’s is cheaper than Hendrick’s.
I’ve grown closer to some of the other non-drinkers in the room and in “the rooms.” Sober people, I’ve discovered, tend to make really, really good friends — whatever makes them sober also makes them honest, direct and self-aware. I’m a better friend to myself, now, too. I keep hold of the things I think and feel after cocktail hour, the ideas I have, instead of losing them in a haze of table-dancing. At my age, improved memory is a benefit beyond AARP’s wildest promises.
posted by bearwife at 12:57 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
I think people fall into alcoholism without realizing they've arrived, and this author is a good example of an alcoholic who can't admit their addiction as yet. Some of the giveaways for me in this article are the consistent drinking, the anger at someone who asks that it stop, the interest in being with other drinkers (which is also why people resist abstention -- it takes away their own permission to drink if others don't join them.) And I notice that the author is reflecting something that goes with drinking, which is a sort of shallow emotionalism without actually experiencing it. I am referring to the easy tears that people can't recall shedding, the explosive anger that seems alien when they sober up, the drunk dialing to say things people aren't truly feeling.
Also interesting is the author's recounting of the joys of sobriety, which underlies how heavy the drinking really was before:
Despite my resistance to sobriety as more than a brief experiment, I cannot deny the improvements as well as the discomforts not-drinking has brought me. I sleep better when I don’t attempt to douse my lifelong insomnia with a very tall nightcap. I’ve been more productive, since now I can work after dinner, so I’m making more money. I’m saving money, too: Even at five bucks a pint, Ben & Jerry’s is cheaper than Hendrick’s.
I’ve grown closer to some of the other non-drinkers in the room and in “the rooms.” Sober people, I’ve discovered, tend to make really, really good friends — whatever makes them sober also makes them honest, direct and self-aware. I’m a better friend to myself, now, too. I keep hold of the things I think and feel after cocktail hour, the ideas I have, instead of losing them in a haze of table-dancing. At my age, improved memory is a benefit beyond AARP’s wildest promises.
posted by bearwife at 12:57 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
My group of friends occasionally makes noise about how "social event" shouldn't have to equal "get drinks" but nobody can ever think of any other actual thing to do.
You can order a rum and Coke without the rum, you realize.
Well sure, although the only thing more revolting than a rum and coke is just a regular coke. Gross.
But yes, you can nurse a club soda with lime all night (and many of the temporarily sober/preggers/break-taking folks in our group do). Nonetheless, in practice we've found that if you don't drink at all and don't plan to ever, there's not that much appeal to sitting in bars with folks who're drinking. (Here is where sour folks say, "well that's because they're terrible, and only the booze makes them bearable," but I disagree; I think it's just because drinking's what they were built for. If you don't like movies, movie theaters are a boring place to hang out too.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [23 favorites]
You can order a rum and Coke without the rum, you realize.
Well sure, although the only thing more revolting than a rum and coke is just a regular coke. Gross.
But yes, you can nurse a club soda with lime all night (and many of the temporarily sober/preggers/break-taking folks in our group do). Nonetheless, in practice we've found that if you don't drink at all and don't plan to ever, there's not that much appeal to sitting in bars with folks who're drinking. (Here is where sour folks say, "well that's because they're terrible, and only the booze makes them bearable," but I disagree; I think it's just because drinking's what they were built for. If you don't like movies, movie theaters are a boring place to hang out too.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [23 favorites]
"I don't like the kind of people who meet for coffee, I like the kind of people who meet for drinks"
And yet, I've become one. It was terrifying facing the prospect of online dating without drinking, but really not impossible. I spent plenty of nights sipping Diet Coke at a bar with a new date, because yeah, I LIKE bars, but I realized a first date where we're on the same level is better.
I realized my parter was a keeper when I said that my dream was a bar where he could get a fancy cocktail and I could have an herbal tea, and he figured that one out.
It's only a certain type of boundary-pushing asshole who won't stop when you just say "no thanks" to a drink, and I'm happy to have that made clear right away, anyway. In my experience the only thing that ends the conversation is "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
Which really isn't how I define myself, although I suppose it's true from a certain angle. Alcohol was hurting me so I cut it out and I have a much better and happier life. It's a small thing that's just no longer a THING, why would I give myself a title all about that thing? I feel like it's kind of a sad way to refer to yourself, defining your life as one controlled by or lacking this thing. No, I'M in control, and it is literally nothing to me.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
And yet, I've become one. It was terrifying facing the prospect of online dating without drinking, but really not impossible. I spent plenty of nights sipping Diet Coke at a bar with a new date, because yeah, I LIKE bars, but I realized a first date where we're on the same level is better.
I realized my parter was a keeper when I said that my dream was a bar where he could get a fancy cocktail and I could have an herbal tea, and he figured that one out.
It's only a certain type of boundary-pushing asshole who won't stop when you just say "no thanks" to a drink, and I'm happy to have that made clear right away, anyway. In my experience the only thing that ends the conversation is "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
Which really isn't how I define myself, although I suppose it's true from a certain angle. Alcohol was hurting me so I cut it out and I have a much better and happier life. It's a small thing that's just no longer a THING, why would I give myself a title all about that thing? I feel like it's kind of a sad way to refer to yourself, defining your life as one controlled by or lacking this thing. No, I'M in control, and it is literally nothing to me.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
Naypril?
posted by ian1977 at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
I worked in a bar in my 20's. A bunch of people I knew from my high school came in, and ran up a 300$ tab. I was not waiting on them, one of my friends was. Renee came over to me with the printout that was as long as my arm, and expressed concern. I walked over to the MOD and asked him to cut these guys off and call them a cab. He looked at the money and said "keep serving them".
One of them died.
Two of them spent some time in a coma.
The other one miraculously wasn't hurt.
Now if I want to get silly, I stay home in the studio and paint. Whenever I hear someone else advocating for someone to start drinking more- I remember that night. And order a glass of soda at the end of the night.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 1:10 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
One of them died.
Two of them spent some time in a coma.
The other one miraculously wasn't hurt.
Now if I want to get silly, I stay home in the studio and paint. Whenever I hear someone else advocating for someone to start drinking more- I remember that night. And order a glass of soda at the end of the night.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 1:10 PM on December 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
This is one scene where I've always been on the outside looking in. I can't get past the taste of alcohol - its bitterness. I can only drink an alcoholic beverage if it's one of those super fruity fruit fruit drinks where you can't taste the alcohol. And while many of my friends drink wine with dinner or out on the porch watching the sunset on a summer evening, I've never had friends whose social calendar included going to the bar on a semi-regular basis to have drinks and hang out. It's always in the context of a meal. And my friends cross all socio-economic, cultural, and education backgrounds. Maybe the drinking culture doesn't overlap much with the dinner party, the hiking, the running, the board game, the Frequent Flyer mileage gaming cultures. Because those are all mine and I don't see a lot of drinkers in any of them.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 1:15 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by TestamentToGrace at 1:15 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't like the kind of people who meet for coffee, I like the kind of people who meet for drinks
i haven't drank for years. but i really like hanging out at bars - i had regular shifts at a bar for eleven years. soda with a twist or diet w/lime wedge is my go-to.
as an observer of drinkers over those eleven years (imho): if you think you might need a break, you do.
posted by j_curiouser at 1:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
i haven't drank for years. but i really like hanging out at bars - i had regular shifts at a bar for eleven years. soda with a twist or diet w/lime wedge is my go-to.
as an observer of drinkers over those eleven years (imho): if you think you might need a break, you do.
posted by j_curiouser at 1:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Nonetheless, in practice we've found that if you don't drink at all and don't plan to ever, there's not that much appeal to sitting in bars with folks who're drinking
I agree. I hardly ever go to bars any more because the Bear hates them, for just that reason. But there are a lot of other social things to do. Dinner or a barbecue at each other's homes, get together at coffee shops or to game or to attend events like movies, concerts, sports, going out walking or hiking, having a tea or cheese tasting, taking a cooking or craft or art class . . . really, there's a huge world for socializing outside of bars.
posted by bearwife at 1:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree. I hardly ever go to bars any more because the Bear hates them, for just that reason. But there are a lot of other social things to do. Dinner or a barbecue at each other's homes, get together at coffee shops or to game or to attend events like movies, concerts, sports, going out walking or hiking, having a tea or cheese tasting, taking a cooking or craft or art class . . . really, there's a huge world for socializing outside of bars.
posted by bearwife at 1:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Because those are all mine and I don't see a lot of drinkers in any of them.
I think it's possible that all of your friends enjoy alcoholic beverages but just don't go out and drink. That's really what most adults do.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think it's possible that all of your friends enjoy alcoholic beverages but just don't go out and drink. That's really what most adults do.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with you, bearwife, but those activities rarely shoot to the top of the socialising list unless your social group are already not very drinky.
posted by Kitteh at 1:21 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 1:21 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe the drinking culture doesn't overlap much with the dinner party, the hiking, the running, the board game, the Frequent Flyer mileage gaming cultures. Because those are all mine and I don't see a lot of drinkers in any of them.
I mean I'll give you runners and hikers, but if you think board gamers don't drink then I can't figure out why every bar in my neighborhood has a "library" fully stocked with board games.
But there are a lot of other social things to do. Dinner or a barbecue at each other's homes, get together at coffee shops or to game or to attend events like movies, concerts, sports, going out walking or hiking, having a tea or cheese tasting, taking a cooking or craft or art class . . . really, there's a huge world for socializing outside of bars.
And when my friends and I plan these things, they fall apart almost immediately. We don't have large enough homes to host; nobody likes the same movies or music. None of us enjoy sports. We live in a city with consistently horrific weather. We all gotta eat, but everyone's on some insane diet. We'd all LIKE to be the sort of people who do these sorts of things, but fundamentally, we aren't those people. The only thing we've been able to consistently manage, across the years, is to head over to a bar and shoot the shit.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I mean I'll give you runners and hikers, but if you think board gamers don't drink then I can't figure out why every bar in my neighborhood has a "library" fully stocked with board games.
But there are a lot of other social things to do. Dinner or a barbecue at each other's homes, get together at coffee shops or to game or to attend events like movies, concerts, sports, going out walking or hiking, having a tea or cheese tasting, taking a cooking or craft or art class . . . really, there's a huge world for socializing outside of bars.
And when my friends and I plan these things, they fall apart almost immediately. We don't have large enough homes to host; nobody likes the same movies or music. None of us enjoy sports. We live in a city with consistently horrific weather. We all gotta eat, but everyone's on some insane diet. We'd all LIKE to be the sort of people who do these sorts of things, but fundamentally, we aren't those people. The only thing we've been able to consistently manage, across the years, is to head over to a bar and shoot the shit.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have spent a lot of time in bars since I quit drinking, because I play in a cover band. When I first sobered up, we were playing virtually every weekend, and it was a bit tough for a few months, but once I moved beyond the craving stage into the thankful I'd stopped stage, being in a bar was never a problem. I love a dance floor full of lubricated people having a grand ol' time to Brick House, or You Shook Me, or RESPECT, or whatever. It's a blast. I don't have any other reason to go in a bar, but when I gig, I am the "club soda with a squeeze of lime" guy, and I like it. I don't like sweet caffeinated sodas much, so it's really just right for me.
Fans try to buy me a drink between sets on occasion, but I just say "Thanks a bunch, but I don't drink," and that's the end of the conversation 99.9% of the time.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Fans try to buy me a drink between sets on occasion, but I just say "Thanks a bunch, but I don't drink," and that's the end of the conversation 99.9% of the time.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I feel that I dodged a bullet with regard to alcohol. My dad was and his family are alcoholics. My mom (perhaps more severely than she should have but I don't object), made sure I understood this. I read up on the risk factors and decided not to drink until I was 21. I had a winter when I realized I was downing half a bottle of white wine a night. Not worrying for most people, but it was my dad's drink of choice and the regularity scared me. Alcoholism isn't a bete noire for me these days, but the caution is still there.
I find myself actually keeping a half decent liquor cabinet. I buy interesting alcohol, drink some, but never get around to killing the bottle. I've got a lot of good whisky, some of it 7 years old.
I don't mean to sound boastful, although it is something that I am proud of myself for avoiding, given the familial history. But, when drinking, before having another, I try to remember to ask myself "will this actually make me happier/make my night more enjoyable?" It doesn't always work, I don't always remember, I do occasionally drink too much. But it stops the automatic "get another drink" routine at bars and with friends.
posted by Hactar at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I find myself actually keeping a half decent liquor cabinet. I buy interesting alcohol, drink some, but never get around to killing the bottle. I've got a lot of good whisky, some of it 7 years old.
I don't mean to sound boastful, although it is something that I am proud of myself for avoiding, given the familial history. But, when drinking, before having another, I try to remember to ask myself "will this actually make me happier/make my night more enjoyable?" It doesn't always work, I don't always remember, I do occasionally drink too much. But it stops the automatic "get another drink" routine at bars and with friends.
posted by Hactar at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Runners are definitely drinkers.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:24 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:24 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I had once read about a guy who, worried about his heavy drinking, spent one full year drinking as usual and the next year, at Jan. 1, a full year of not drinking at all. and then the next year, back to drinking as he had done. Seems rather odd to me. But he claimed it worked for him.
posted by Postroad at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Postroad at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My relationship with alcohol changed dramatically when I couldn't kiss my partner without subconsciously checking their breath for alcohol. (and while I knew I couldn't really control his drinking, that just meant that I transferred that worry and obsession to my own drinking)
And there's definitely the uncomfortableness of reorienting your social life when you're planning on abstaining or even just nursing one drink for five hours. But most of that is our general cultural difficulty saying "Let's hang out and catch up" without having some other justification for being there. If I'm prattling on like a weirdo, at least you're getting a nice meal, or booze, or have some back up entertainment.
I do wish dive bars had a wider selection of non-alcoholic beverages. They're a perfect socializing environment. Seating is perfect for small groups. Noise level great for conversation. Perfect hours to meet after work. If it was too packed, it would be too successful to really be a dive bar. And unlike most places that meet that threshold, there's no perceived time limit. Coffee shops probably come closest. But the hours are all wrong, which leads to a more work-like environment. Hanging out with friends always feels more like a meeting, with your other obligations on the periphery begging you to cut things short.
posted by politikitty at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
And there's definitely the uncomfortableness of reorienting your social life when you're planning on abstaining or even just nursing one drink for five hours. But most of that is our general cultural difficulty saying "Let's hang out and catch up" without having some other justification for being there. If I'm prattling on like a weirdo, at least you're getting a nice meal, or booze, or have some back up entertainment.
I do wish dive bars had a wider selection of non-alcoholic beverages. They're a perfect socializing environment. Seating is perfect for small groups. Noise level great for conversation. Perfect hours to meet after work. If it was too packed, it would be too successful to really be a dive bar. And unlike most places that meet that threshold, there's no perceived time limit. Coffee shops probably come closest. But the hours are all wrong, which leads to a more work-like environment. Hanging out with friends always feels more like a meeting, with your other obligations on the periphery begging you to cut things short.
posted by politikitty at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
In my experience the only thing that ends the conversation is "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
You'd be surprised (or perhaps not) how many people think it's 100% okay to respond to that with "surely you can have just one though right?!"
posted by poffin boffin at 1:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
You'd be surprised (or perhaps not) how many people think it's 100% okay to respond to that with "surely you can have just one though right?!"
posted by poffin boffin at 1:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
I buy interesting alcohol, drink some, but never get around to killing the bottle.
Someone on Twitter the orther day had a question about how best to store half a bottle of wine. I was, like, "Wha? Pour it in your belly!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Someone on Twitter the orther day had a question about how best to store half a bottle of wine. I was, like, "Wha? Pour it in your belly!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I do wish dive bars had a wider selection of non-alcoholic beverages.
Agreed! The closest thing we ever found was a fancy high-end cocktail joint that was exuberantly happy to make virgin editions of all of its signature drinks for our group with its five (yes 5 at once, don't even ask...) pregnant folks.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:28 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Agreed! The closest thing we ever found was a fancy high-end cocktail joint that was exuberantly happy to make virgin editions of all of its signature drinks for our group with its five (yes 5 at once, don't even ask...) pregnant folks.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:28 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
soda water and bitters
nobody ever bothers me if i have a glass in my hand that looks like discolored fizzy water
posted by kokaku at 1:32 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
nobody ever bothers me if i have a glass in my hand that looks like discolored fizzy water
posted by kokaku at 1:32 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
A lot of people try to push me to drink, and "I'm not drinking right now" really does not always work, at least for me. I can repeat it like a broken record but it really does not sway some people (always men) from making it a topic and pushing on it every time I am at a place that also has alcohol.
I also remember this, "hey you're not drinking fast enough!" being something that decreases as you leave your 20s, most likely because the people who say that are nascent alcoholics who go off and find their people who don't have to be egged on.
posted by rhizome at 1:32 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also remember this, "hey you're not drinking fast enough!" being something that decreases as you leave your 20s, most likely because the people who say that are nascent alcoholics who go off and find their people who don't have to be egged on.
posted by rhizome at 1:32 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I'm on the wagon the only drink I like is sparkling mineral water with Angostura bitters.
posted by colie at 1:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by colie at 1:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I probably have a different perspective than most here. I spent 15 years behind a bar and another 10 running them. I have seen and sometimes had to deal with every sort of inebriate on the planet. I recognize two kinds of problem drinker: First, if you become a substantially different person when you drink you run a high risk of doing stupid, regrettable or damaging things to yourself or others. This means not only personality changes but physical ones as well. You shouldn't drink. Second, if the words "stop" and "enough" have no meaning after a few toddies then alcohol is a poison that will kill you. Don't drink. Ever. Just about everything else is manageable. That doesn't mean healthy. Just manageable...
posted by jim in austin at 1:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 1:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
When I'm on the wagon the only drink I like is sparkling mineral water with Angostura bitters.
I just drink more of my staple, lime flavored seltzer water. The Bear's go to drink, always, is tonic water.
posted by bearwife at 1:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just drink more of my staple, lime flavored seltzer water. The Bear's go to drink, always, is tonic water.
posted by bearwife at 1:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
You folks who are suggesting bitters need to know that many contain alcohol, in the case of Agnostura, it's 45%. One of my Grandfather's was a bitters drinker. No one in my family was non alcoholic.
I have been sober for 29 years now. While sober I've been a bartender (great job for keeping you sober) and as an old punk rocker I still like to go to bars to see bands. When I first got sober I couldn't . I wasn't ready for dealing with people in bars, trying to explain that I don't drink and assorted etceteras. Needn't have worried, people in bars mostly don't give a shit whether YOU are drinking. They only care if you want to get in the way of their drinking.
posted by evilDoug at 1:52 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have been sober for 29 years now. While sober I've been a bartender (great job for keeping you sober) and as an old punk rocker I still like to go to bars to see bands. When I first got sober I couldn't . I wasn't ready for dealing with people in bars, trying to explain that I don't drink and assorted etceteras. Needn't have worried, people in bars mostly don't give a shit whether YOU are drinking. They only care if you want to get in the way of their drinking.
posted by evilDoug at 1:52 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
namespan: "There are some circles/groups of people in which saying "No thanks" or even "Naw, I don't drink" doesn't even raise an eyebrow."
I hit 30 and suddenly everyone I socialize with STOPPED socially drinking. Everyone was pregnant, breastfeeding, or fighting middle-aged spread. (Or, to be fair, a surgeon on call OKAY THAT'S A GOOD REASON you went to school a long time for that.) You'd go out to dinner with 10 people and ONE would order a drink. I got real self-conscious about being the only person who was going to order a drink! Of course then I went to pregnant, breastfeeding, and then when I finished all that my body was like, "One glass of red wine? SUCKER, YOU'RE OVER THIRTY-FIVE, HAVE A VICIOUS HANGOVER FOR DARING TO SMELL ALCOHOL!"
I go to barbecues where there is no beer. I do not really understand what happened because this would have never happened to my parents, but OMG just nobody I know drinks anymore.
I don't mean that in a "HEY DRINK MOAR" kind of way, just that it was (and is) sort-of mystifying to me how rapidly alcohol just almost completely disappeared from my social circles, which I think is a generational difference? It just seemed like a strange and very sudden shift. I wonder how much of it is related to new norms of parenting that demand a lot more perfection, how much is related to attitudes towards responsible driving, how much is related to modern obesity problems (alcohol is easy calories to cut), etc.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:54 PM on December 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
I hit 30 and suddenly everyone I socialize with STOPPED socially drinking. Everyone was pregnant, breastfeeding, or fighting middle-aged spread. (Or, to be fair, a surgeon on call OKAY THAT'S A GOOD REASON you went to school a long time for that.) You'd go out to dinner with 10 people and ONE would order a drink. I got real self-conscious about being the only person who was going to order a drink! Of course then I went to pregnant, breastfeeding, and then when I finished all that my body was like, "One glass of red wine? SUCKER, YOU'RE OVER THIRTY-FIVE, HAVE A VICIOUS HANGOVER FOR DARING TO SMELL ALCOHOL!"
I go to barbecues where there is no beer. I do not really understand what happened because this would have never happened to my parents, but OMG just nobody I know drinks anymore.
I don't mean that in a "HEY DRINK MOAR" kind of way, just that it was (and is) sort-of mystifying to me how rapidly alcohol just almost completely disappeared from my social circles, which I think is a generational difference? It just seemed like a strange and very sudden shift. I wonder how much of it is related to new norms of parenting that demand a lot more perfection, how much is related to attitudes towards responsible driving, how much is related to modern obesity problems (alcohol is easy calories to cut), etc.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:54 PM on December 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
Angostura bitters is like 3 droplets in a full glass. It's homeopathic boozing.
posted by colie at 1:55 PM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by colie at 1:55 PM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Having been quite a loner in my formative years, I didn't drink socially until I was 17. Had my fair share of boozy college years, but I never thought that I'd have to examine my relationship with drinking until one day, I did. A couple of months ago, with absolutely no precedent whatsoever, I got black-out drunk and I washed down a handful of sedatives while I was at it. Luckily, I woke up to a friend knocking at my door at one in the afternoon the next day. Since then, I've had a swig of leftover Guinness from baking cupcakes and two bottles of beer for my 24th birthday. Despite most of my friends being heavy drinkers. no one has been that bothered about it. They know not to offer me drinks and I've been fortunate enough that some new friends I've made have also been cool with me drinking ginger ales while they drink wine. I can't go out to clubs anymore because I've always hated clubs and I could only tolerate them while heavily intoxicated, but I wouldn't even count that as a loss.
My partner's friends have been a bit more touchy about the subject. I've pretended to ignore the grimaces of disdain when they realise I'm not drunk or drinking. I don't explain why I don't drink, I just say that I don't drink. Fortunately, the judge-y eyes and sighs of displeasure have started to ebb. If one more person had pestered me about why I wasn't drunk, I probaby would've snapped and gave them the truth: One night, I got pissed for no reason except boredom, I blacked out and apparently, I tried to overdose.
The most difficult thing is the feeling of missing out. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't know if I want to drink heavily again. Does that cut me off permanently from wild nights and shenanigans? Should that matter? Do I really miss crying in the toilets of clubs I didn't even want to be in? Do I want to vomit on the floor of a Wetherspoons and humiliate myself in front of all my friends again? Do I want to wake up to see that I've left my parter 50 drunk voicemails?
It's only been four months so I've not worked out the answers yet.
posted by quadrant seasons at 1:57 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
My partner's friends have been a bit more touchy about the subject. I've pretended to ignore the grimaces of disdain when they realise I'm not drunk or drinking. I don't explain why I don't drink, I just say that I don't drink. Fortunately, the judge-y eyes and sighs of displeasure have started to ebb. If one more person had pestered me about why I wasn't drunk, I probaby would've snapped and gave them the truth: One night, I got pissed for no reason except boredom, I blacked out and apparently, I tried to overdose.
The most difficult thing is the feeling of missing out. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't know if I want to drink heavily again. Does that cut me off permanently from wild nights and shenanigans? Should that matter? Do I really miss crying in the toilets of clubs I didn't even want to be in? Do I want to vomit on the floor of a Wetherspoons and humiliate myself in front of all my friends again? Do I want to wake up to see that I've left my parter 50 drunk voicemails?
It's only been four months so I've not worked out the answers yet.
posted by quadrant seasons at 1:57 PM on December 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
> You'd be surprised (or perhaps not) how many people think it's 100% okay to respond to that with "surely you can have just one though right?!"
Yeah... I don't know why you'd want to hang out with people like that. When people talk like that, that's when the knives come out.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 2:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah... I don't know why you'd want to hang out with people like that. When people talk like that, that's when the knives come out.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 2:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
but if you think board gamers don't drink then I can't figure out why every bar in my neighborhood has a "library" fully stocked with board games.
yeah but are they the good board games
posted by the_blizz at 2:04 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
yeah but are they the good board games
posted by the_blizz at 2:04 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I quit drinking three months ago in preparation for a pregnancy. Now I'm pregnant, but it's too early to announce to friends or to show. I'm not drinking alcohol, caffeine, or consuming artificial sweeteners (my doctor is superstitious about stuff like that), so all I drink is water and La Croix. But all of my social activities revolve around drinking, even now that we're all well into our 30s and 40s. I was a heavy binge drinker at these events. Not drinking is not my style, and I'm always expecting people to notice and ask.
I've been to several parties in the meantime and nobody's said anything. At the last, I drank (approved, caffeine-free, naturally-sweetened) root beer in dark bottles, and I half expect the people who were there to say "but weren't you drinking at that party in December?!" once we announce.
I'm going to a New Years party tomorrow night and it will be another fun and exciting evening of being the only person in the room not drinking, and hoping nobody notices. I might try the root beer thing again.
My therapist pointed out that asking somebody who used to drink why they're not drinking is sort of a rude and personal question. There are a lot of reasons to quit drinking, and most of them aren't things you want to talk about.
posted by sock puppet du jour at 2:08 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've been to several parties in the meantime and nobody's said anything. At the last, I drank (approved, caffeine-free, naturally-sweetened) root beer in dark bottles, and I half expect the people who were there to say "but weren't you drinking at that party in December?!" once we announce.
I'm going to a New Years party tomorrow night and it will be another fun and exciting evening of being the only person in the room not drinking, and hoping nobody notices. I might try the root beer thing again.
My therapist pointed out that asking somebody who used to drink why they're not drinking is sort of a rude and personal question. There are a lot of reasons to quit drinking, and most of them aren't things you want to talk about.
posted by sock puppet du jour at 2:08 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I hit 30 and suddenly everyone I socialize with STOPPED socially drinking.
Heh, I'm nearing 30 and just now trying alcohol for the first time. My high school friends didn't drink, my college friends didn't drink, it never really came up.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 2:09 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Heh, I'm nearing 30 and just now trying alcohol for the first time. My high school friends didn't drink, my college friends didn't drink, it never really came up.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 2:09 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Does that cut me off permanently from wild nights and shenanigans?"
No, not at all. In fact, your nights may actually get wilder, since you're able to do things like driving and having conversations. They're as wild as you choose to make them.
posted by kevinbelt at 2:10 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
No, not at all. In fact, your nights may actually get wilder, since you're able to do things like driving and having conversations. They're as wild as you choose to make them.
posted by kevinbelt at 2:10 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't mean that in a "HEY DRINK MOAR" kind of way, just that it was (and is) sort-of mystifying to me how rapidly alcohol just almost completely disappeared from my social circles, which I think is a generational difference?
I haven't seen this at all, except for that funny thing that seems to happen during everyone's first pregnancy where the guy will make a big show of giving up alcohol in solidarity at least for a month or two. If anything, I see the reverse, where people old enough to have kids who can take care of themselves or even leaving the nest all of a sudden get their second nightlife wind and start partying super hard all over again.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:14 PM on December 30, 2015
I haven't seen this at all, except for that funny thing that seems to happen during everyone's first pregnancy where the guy will make a big show of giving up alcohol in solidarity at least for a month or two. If anything, I see the reverse, where people old enough to have kids who can take care of themselves or even leaving the nest all of a sudden get their second nightlife wind and start partying super hard all over again.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:14 PM on December 30, 2015
For better and worse, online dating is out now, too.
For me a big part of happy sobriety has been coming to appreciate and sometimes even enjoy the discomfort of like, sober dating, or whatever other weird shit life offers. Kim Deal says it best:
...But now I find it so much more interesting not to do drugs. I find it way more fraught with danger — in a good way. Every time I go up and talk to somebody, it’s like, “Hello, this is going to be awkward and weird in a few seconds because I’m fucking part of it.” Which is way more interesting than it was before. It’s strange and I really like it. And it’s ugly — it’s so awful and ugly every day...
posted by generalist at 2:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
For me a big part of happy sobriety has been coming to appreciate and sometimes even enjoy the discomfort of like, sober dating, or whatever other weird shit life offers. Kim Deal says it best:
...But now I find it so much more interesting not to do drugs. I find it way more fraught with danger — in a good way. Every time I go up and talk to somebody, it’s like, “Hello, this is going to be awkward and weird in a few seconds because I’m fucking part of it.” Which is way more interesting than it was before. It’s strange and I really like it. And it’s ugly — it’s so awful and ugly every day...
posted by generalist at 2:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [21 favorites]
Sober people, I’ve discovered, tend to make really, really good friends — whatever makes them sober also makes them honest, direct and self-aware
I have many sober friends who I share little in common with. We don't hang out all the time but they're the kind of people who I'd help move or run to help them at 3AM because they asked. We are so different is so many ways but we share something in common. It's not the sobriety - it's being honest, direct, and self-aware that brings us together. Being sober is just how we met in the first place.
Also, being honest, direct, and self-aware got me sober - not the reverse.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 2:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have many sober friends who I share little in common with. We don't hang out all the time but they're the kind of people who I'd help move or run to help them at 3AM because they asked. We are so different is so many ways but we share something in common. It's not the sobriety - it's being honest, direct, and self-aware that brings us together. Being sober is just how we met in the first place.
Also, being honest, direct, and self-aware got me sober - not the reverse.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 2:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
being honest, direct, and self-aware got me sober - not the reverse
On my first (blind) date with the Bear, I arrived first and already was sipping a beer. When he appeared and introduced himself, I asked if he wanted to order a drink. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic. That's therefore one of the first things he ever said to me. I was awed that he'd had the courage to stop drinking -- it was as if he told me he had immigrated and made good. And that honesty, and that he was also direct and self-aware, also impressed me from the get-go.
So, that he was honest, direct and self-aware got him married, ultimately.
posted by bearwife at 2:31 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
On my first (blind) date with the Bear, I arrived first and already was sipping a beer. When he appeared and introduced himself, I asked if he wanted to order a drink. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic. That's therefore one of the first things he ever said to me. I was awed that he'd had the courage to stop drinking -- it was as if he told me he had immigrated and made good. And that honesty, and that he was also direct and self-aware, also impressed me from the get-go.
So, that he was honest, direct and self-aware got him married, ultimately.
posted by bearwife at 2:31 PM on December 30, 2015 [8 favorites]
November?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 2:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 2:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
No(mindyourownbusiness)vember
posted by ian1977 at 2:34 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 2:34 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I guess I'm lucky, because I have a hearing problem where if there's a lot of conversation or background music, anything anyone says to me is completely unintelligible. So bars for me involve going to a place where I sit on uncomfortable stools, listen to a band with lousy acoustics, buy overpriced drinks, and I can't understand a damn thing anyone says.
My social stuff is mainly games and the occasional birthday or light cocktail party- so I have no problem driving home. For me drinking is that awful thing I do by myself while I'm writing and pretending to be [INSERT FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC WRITER HERE]. And I limit myself by making fussy, overcomplicated cocktails. Socializing just gets in the way. Of the writing, that is.
posted by happyroach at 2:42 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
My social stuff is mainly games and the occasional birthday or light cocktail party- so I have no problem driving home. For me drinking is that awful thing I do by myself while I'm writing and pretending to be [INSERT FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC WRITER HERE]. And I limit myself by making fussy, overcomplicated cocktails. Socializing just gets in the way. Of the writing, that is.
posted by happyroach at 2:42 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I often go days without drinking and it's fine for me. I enjoy drinking and being drunk with my friends and there aren't many situations where it's gone so far that my life is in danger. We typically inhabit the same bars where the bartenders and other patrons know us, we're lucky enough to have public transport to take us home and if not we end up walking or taking a taxi. We recently decided we're sick of drinking beer so we've all been making our own cocktails instead and watching basketball at a friend's. My drinking has diminished even more because I've been smoking weed more often (it's legal, hooray!) and the effects of that are really heavy on me.
There's something really nice about getting a few drinks with friends and hanging out, watching basketball, playing pool, and not getting trashed. Every once in a while something clicks where we all just want to get heavily intoxicated, but I blame that on some weird psychic connection where everyone suddenly is in this shared zone.
posted by gucci mane at 2:42 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's something really nice about getting a few drinks with friends and hanging out, watching basketball, playing pool, and not getting trashed. Every once in a while something clicks where we all just want to get heavily intoxicated, but I blame that on some weird psychic connection where everyone suddenly is in this shared zone.
posted by gucci mane at 2:42 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Kokaku:soda water and bitters
nobody ever bothers me if i have a glass in my hand that looks like discolored fizzy water.
I find that a lot of bars use different glasses for alcoholic drinks vs soft drinks. When I took a drinking sabbatical, one bar refused to put my coke in a narrow glass instead of the wider-mouth glasses, citing the need for security to know what a patron is drinking from across the room.
posted by dr_dank at 2:46 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
nobody ever bothers me if i have a glass in my hand that looks like discolored fizzy water.
I find that a lot of bars use different glasses for alcoholic drinks vs soft drinks. When I took a drinking sabbatical, one bar refused to put my coke in a narrow glass instead of the wider-mouth glasses, citing the need for security to know what a patron is drinking from across the room.
posted by dr_dank at 2:46 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some drink too much, some drink too little. I think the real problem is whether, either way, it's too important to you.
posted by Segundus at 2:50 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Segundus at 2:50 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think that the thing that Eyebrows McGee mentions above is similar to the thing WRT smoking, although there isn't the level of social disapproval as with tobacco use; it's just a matter of it not necessarily being expected, or of someone looked at as being an oddball for not doing so. Which is fine by me, really. I'll have been sober for four years at the end of this January, and I've come to believe something that I've heard in AA meetings: that it really did take every last drink for me to stop drinking, including the binge that led to my second DUI and the three times I fell off the wagon after that. But I don't think that it will take any more drinks to stay sober.
My disease does pop its head up once in a while (I call it The Gopher in this mode) to remind me that, hey, I could take one or two or a whole bunch, if I wanted to; nobody would physically stop me (unless/until I got another DUI; it would be jail this time, baby.) I kind of appreciate these little reminders that I still need to work on the program and make my meetings, as every now and then in the program we hear about people with years or even decades of sobriety who go back out. My disease is also like the Terminator: It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until I am dead.
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
My disease does pop its head up once in a while (I call it The Gopher in this mode) to remind me that, hey, I could take one or two or a whole bunch, if I wanted to; nobody would physically stop me (unless/until I got another DUI; it would be jail this time, baby.) I kind of appreciate these little reminders that I still need to work on the program and make my meetings, as every now and then in the program we hear about people with years or even decades of sobriety who go back out. My disease is also like the Terminator: It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until I am dead.
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
So. Huh. Whether or not I’m an alcoholic, what I take from the science is that if I can’t drink “moderately” (the word that would be voted “least likely to succeed as Meredith’s lifestyle” by my friends, sober and not), I’m a problem drinker. And if I’m a problem drinker, I shouldn’t drink at all.
This is me! I haven't had a drink in over sixteen years! During that time, I have still managed to live a very normal life doing all the things that lots of other people do. I go out to concerts, clubs, bars, restaurants, happy hours etc. and my not drinking has literally never been a problem. Even the seven years I lived in the UK, which has a much bigger drinking (and binge-drinking) culture than the US, I still never had a problem. I've gotten a huge range of reactions from people, most falling in the following categories:
I order a diet coke or water:
1. No one notices or cares
2. Someone might say "Are you just having that? Nothing to drink?" Me: "No, I don't drink." Other person: "Okay"
3. Same as 2, but an additional question or two, something like: "Why don't you drink?" Me: "It's just not for me." Them: "Okay"
4. Even more additional questions, to the point where it can start to feel a little probing and make me think that it's a much bigger deal to them than it ever has been for me.
Mostly people fall into #1 or #2 and to a lesser degree #3. Maybe farther down to road, once I've gotten to know them better or been out with them several times they might happen to notice again and ask a few more questions, mostly out of curiosity, which is fine. The vast majority of people don't care or make a big deal about it. The ones who question me intently the first time I'm out with them are the ones that usually throw up red flags.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:16 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is me! I haven't had a drink in over sixteen years! During that time, I have still managed to live a very normal life doing all the things that lots of other people do. I go out to concerts, clubs, bars, restaurants, happy hours etc. and my not drinking has literally never been a problem. Even the seven years I lived in the UK, which has a much bigger drinking (and binge-drinking) culture than the US, I still never had a problem. I've gotten a huge range of reactions from people, most falling in the following categories:
I order a diet coke or water:
1. No one notices or cares
2. Someone might say "Are you just having that? Nothing to drink?" Me: "No, I don't drink." Other person: "Okay"
3. Same as 2, but an additional question or two, something like: "Why don't you drink?" Me: "It's just not for me." Them: "Okay"
4. Even more additional questions, to the point where it can start to feel a little probing and make me think that it's a much bigger deal to them than it ever has been for me.
Mostly people fall into #1 or #2 and to a lesser degree #3. Maybe farther down to road, once I've gotten to know them better or been out with them several times they might happen to notice again and ask a few more questions, mostly out of curiosity, which is fine. The vast majority of people don't care or make a big deal about it. The ones who question me intently the first time I'm out with them are the ones that usually throw up red flags.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:16 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
A lot of people try to push me to drink, and "I'm not drinking right now" really does not always work, at least for me.
...
In my experience the only thing that ends the conversation is "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
Seriously? I knew that guy in college, but I haven't run into him in the 25 years since. I don't drink much in social situations, because I'm pretty much always the DD. If someone asks if I want a drink, "I'm driving" always seems to work.
The guy in college, though, thought it'd be hilarious to get me stoned for the first time, and after a couple of no's I just stared at him until he stopped trying. If someone's being that much of an asshole, it's always ok to be rude.
posted by Huck500 at 3:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
...
In my experience the only thing that ends the conversation is "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC."
Seriously? I knew that guy in college, but I haven't run into him in the 25 years since. I don't drink much in social situations, because I'm pretty much always the DD. If someone asks if I want a drink, "I'm driving" always seems to work.
The guy in college, though, thought it'd be hilarious to get me stoned for the first time, and after a couple of no's I just stared at him until he stopped trying. If someone's being that much of an asshole, it's always ok to be rude.
posted by Huck500 at 3:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Back in the day, I did cigarettes, two packs a day for almost twenty years. Been quit with them for, well, it'll be thirteen years in a couple of weeks. Seems like a really long time. Seems like yesterday. My relationship with cigarettes has never been particularly complicated -- I can have All Of Them or I can have None. *sigh* At least for me, if it's an All Or None question, "None" is typically the better answer.
posted by which_chick at 3:40 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by which_chick at 3:40 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I like to drink. I hate to get in car-crashes. Mrs. Bastard feels the same way pretty much, so we take turns being the designated driver. And we're not super-strict about it: I'll drink maybe two beers over the course of three hours and be OK with driving. I'm a big guy and plenty sober after two beers over three hours.
We went to a Holiday Party at Mrs. Bastard's old work-friend's house, and whenever those two get together I know right away it's my turn to be designated driver. Even if I was DD last time. They like to spur each other on with shooters and whatnot, and get pretty hammered together. Fine with me, I enjoy drinking as a spectator sport too. I nursed my beer and drank lots of water and was generally pretty much having fun because they had a karaoke setup.
Until one of THOSE PEOPLE noticed that I wasn't drinking enough. I've tended bar and know how important it can be to monitor people's booze intake for safety/liability reasons. But this was one of those people who make it their business to try to make sure everyone's fucked up.
He came over to me while I was getting my second beer and ACTUALLY SAID "You're not drinking enough, you need to do a shot!" and proceeded to pour shots of (blech) Jack Daniels for himself and a few other people, which I guess he thought included me. "I'm good," I said, waggling my mostly-full beer bottle.
Anyways, I ended up having a five minute argument with this dude about how I should loosen-up and do a shot and quit "ruining the party" because I didn't have "Christmas spirit" (his point of view) vs. "I'd rather not, thank you." (my point of view.) It was exceptionally uncomfortable being a 48 year old man being peer-pressured into drinking more by another ostensible adult, and thankfully some other person settled the argument by grabbing "my" shot and downing it and dragging the dude away.
So I salute everyone who intentionally powers through a dry spell, whether for a day or a month or a year or longer, for health reasons or religious reasons or any reason at all. It ain't easy, and there's a lot of pressure. I'm not sure I'd want to try Drynuary coming up next month, but it could happen.
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:49 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
We went to a Holiday Party at Mrs. Bastard's old work-friend's house, and whenever those two get together I know right away it's my turn to be designated driver. Even if I was DD last time. They like to spur each other on with shooters and whatnot, and get pretty hammered together. Fine with me, I enjoy drinking as a spectator sport too. I nursed my beer and drank lots of water and was generally pretty much having fun because they had a karaoke setup.
Until one of THOSE PEOPLE noticed that I wasn't drinking enough. I've tended bar and know how important it can be to monitor people's booze intake for safety/liability reasons. But this was one of those people who make it their business to try to make sure everyone's fucked up.
He came over to me while I was getting my second beer and ACTUALLY SAID "You're not drinking enough, you need to do a shot!" and proceeded to pour shots of (blech) Jack Daniels for himself and a few other people, which I guess he thought included me. "I'm good," I said, waggling my mostly-full beer bottle.
Anyways, I ended up having a five minute argument with this dude about how I should loosen-up and do a shot and quit "ruining the party" because I didn't have "Christmas spirit" (his point of view) vs. "I'd rather not, thank you." (my point of view.) It was exceptionally uncomfortable being a 48 year old man being peer-pressured into drinking more by another ostensible adult, and thankfully some other person settled the argument by grabbing "my" shot and downing it and dragging the dude away.
So I salute everyone who intentionally powers through a dry spell, whether for a day or a month or a year or longer, for health reasons or religious reasons or any reason at all. It ain't easy, and there's a lot of pressure. I'm not sure I'd want to try Drynuary coming up next month, but it could happen.
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:49 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
I've been a lifelong drinking enthusiast, though for the past 15 years or so I've limited myself to some beers on Friday nights, usually talking and maybe gaming a bit with my oldest friend back in Canada before the timezone difference takes him off to bed.
A couple of years back I did six months without any alcohol, and it was... well, just fine, it turned out. I've been very lucky, somehow, in that some combination of physical and psychological stuff allows me to just not drink if I decide not to, despite my great enjoyment of the booze. I know that's a thing that many, many other people struggle with, and my heart goes out to them. It takes more than one hand to count the number of friends I've had over the years whose lives have been ruined by alcohol, and even more so, by other drugs.
I don't know if things will change as I march through my 50s and hopefully onward, but so far so good.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:39 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
A couple of years back I did six months without any alcohol, and it was... well, just fine, it turned out. I've been very lucky, somehow, in that some combination of physical and psychological stuff allows me to just not drink if I decide not to, despite my great enjoyment of the booze. I know that's a thing that many, many other people struggle with, and my heart goes out to them. It takes more than one hand to count the number of friends I've had over the years whose lives have been ruined by alcohol, and even more so, by other drugs.
I don't know if things will change as I march through my 50s and hopefully onward, but so far so good.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:39 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I remember a time nearly 10 years ago when we were having after-work drinks. I was working on a project with people I didn't usually work with and also going through some major shit in my personal life, so alcohol was a great way to cope with being social. And life in general. One woman arrived a bit late and I tried to pour her some wine. "No thanks," she said. "Oh, come on, celebrate!" I pushed. "No thanks, I don't drink," she said. It flabbergasted me. This is Australia, after all, where drinking is like the national sport - even over cricket, footy and surfing.
Now I look back at this incident and wince. Turns out I am actually one of the lucky people who can mostly not drink and be fine with that. It's really a social thing for me - if I am hanging out with people who drink, I drink. And I can drink a lot. Well, I could. Now, because I mostly don't hang out with people who drink, I rarely drink. I always hated clubs and pubs anyway, they seemed utterly pointless to me - dark, loud, full of people smoking, nothing to eat. Conversations held by shouting, if at all. Now that gastropubs are a thing, it is perfectly possible for drinkers and non-drinkers alike to have a nice time at a pub. Those who want to drink, drink. Those who want to eat, eat. Those who want both can do both. Much more entertaining than bellowing at the top of your lungs while a drunk 20something in high heels staggers into you and splashes their drink all over you.
And for those looking for a catchy name, here we have Dry July.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:59 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now I look back at this incident and wince. Turns out I am actually one of the lucky people who can mostly not drink and be fine with that. It's really a social thing for me - if I am hanging out with people who drink, I drink. And I can drink a lot. Well, I could. Now, because I mostly don't hang out with people who drink, I rarely drink. I always hated clubs and pubs anyway, they seemed utterly pointless to me - dark, loud, full of people smoking, nothing to eat. Conversations held by shouting, if at all. Now that gastropubs are a thing, it is perfectly possible for drinkers and non-drinkers alike to have a nice time at a pub. Those who want to drink, drink. Those who want to eat, eat. Those who want both can do both. Much more entertaining than bellowing at the top of your lungs while a drunk 20something in high heels staggers into you and splashes their drink all over you.
And for those looking for a catchy name, here we have Dry July.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:59 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Coffee shops probably come closest. But the hours are all wrong, which leads to a more work-like environment.
Absolutely everyone being face down in their laptops creates an atmosphere where you feel like you are disturbing people if you have a conversation, too. It's really odd, like it's a social place where you go to be alone around people.
posted by thelonius at 5:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Absolutely everyone being face down in their laptops creates an atmosphere where you feel like you are disturbing people if you have a conversation, too. It's really odd, like it's a social place where you go to be alone around people.
posted by thelonius at 5:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Does that cut me off permanently from wild nights and shenanigans?"
Wild nights- my favorite one was walking through bangkok at 3 am stone cold sober, looking into the little shops that were still open , families drinking tea around a fire pit.
Or when I would get up at 5 AM to take the dog to the beach and watch the all night poker players stumble from upstairs. The beach would be covered with snow.
Even now, on nights that I don't have a glass of wine with dinner, I wake up at 3 am. If I'm too awake to go back to sleep I'll put the dog in the car and we'll drive around the silent streets.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 5:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Wild nights- my favorite one was walking through bangkok at 3 am stone cold sober, looking into the little shops that were still open , families drinking tea around a fire pit.
Or when I would get up at 5 AM to take the dog to the beach and watch the all night poker players stumble from upstairs. The beach would be covered with snow.
Even now, on nights that I don't have a glass of wine with dinner, I wake up at 3 am. If I'm too awake to go back to sleep I'll put the dog in the car and we'll drive around the silent streets.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 5:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
For the entire year of 2014, I didn't drink anything but water. No juice, no soda, no coffee, no tea, no milk, and definitely no alcohol. I don't know why I decided to do it, I just like giving myself these weird challenges and seeing if I can do it.
Two months into my challenge, I realized that I had previously been drinking alcohol primarily to convince the bartenders that I wasn't a date rapist. My girlfriend likes to have one or two (or five or six) drinks, and ordering her drink after drink while telling the bartender that, "I won't have anything, but not to worry, I'll get her home safe," was a quick way to earn myself a side-eye.
So giving up the alcohol made that a little bit awkward for a minute, until I remembered that the dude giving me the disapproving look is a bartender, and I don't have to give a shit what some service industry dude thinks of me.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 5:07 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Two months into my challenge, I realized that I had previously been drinking alcohol primarily to convince the bartenders that I wasn't a date rapist. My girlfriend likes to have one or two (or five or six) drinks, and ordering her drink after drink while telling the bartender that, "I won't have anything, but not to worry, I'll get her home safe," was a quick way to earn myself a side-eye.
So giving up the alcohol made that a little bit awkward for a minute, until I remembered that the dude giving me the disapproving look is a bartender, and I don't have to give a shit what some service industry dude thinks of me.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 5:07 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
The bartender probably wanted you to give him money for alcohol. The bartender probably wasn't thinking about date rape.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 5:26 PM on December 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
Where I am, pot is nearly as much a social necessity as alcohol. Toward the end of last year it became clear to me that the paranoia and anxiety I was starting to get from pot would make it something I simply CAN NOT. EVER. use. I really do not have any problem with anyone smoking as much as they want, but I definitely get the sense that no amount of explaining that will convince a lot of people that I'm not some kind of prude. At this point, the smell of pot and lighers and ash all disgust me, which surprises me honestly. I've made exceptions/fallen off the wagon several times over the past year, the last couple times have actually not been the horrible anxiety-ridden nights that made me change my behavior. Another surprise for me is that while I think I might be ab-le to enjoy pot again, I just don't feel much drive to. The joint gets passed around, I feel like I could take a hit or two and be fine, but I still don't get that compulsion to jump in and get high I'd feel in earlier years.
After at least a decade of drinking, drinking heavily, getting blacked out drunk multiple days per week, drinking specifically to make time go by faster becuase I was bored and hated my life... I think Dryanuary sounds like a good idea.
see you from where I'm taking a little nap on the govt building lawn downtown 3 AM January 10th. Christ.
posted by 3urypteris at 5:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
After at least a decade of drinking, drinking heavily, getting blacked out drunk multiple days per week, drinking specifically to make time go by faster becuase I was bored and hated my life... I think Dryanuary sounds like a good idea.
see you from where I'm taking a little nap on the govt building lawn downtown 3 AM January 10th. Christ.
posted by 3urypteris at 5:33 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Coffee shops probably come closest. But the hours are all wrong, which leads to a more work-like environment.
They're dying out for some asinine reason, since the places i went to were always packed even at 1am... but there used to be a few cafes in my town that were open until 2am. One or two of them were open until like 4am.
They were amazing. There were always people nose into laptops and people fervently discussing things, and chainsmoking outside doing so, and all kinds of weird meetings/board games/etc.
Fuck i miss bauhaus...
posted by emptythought at 5:34 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
They're dying out for some asinine reason, since the places i went to were always packed even at 1am... but there used to be a few cafes in my town that were open until 2am. One or two of them were open until like 4am.
They were amazing. There were always people nose into laptops and people fervently discussing things, and chainsmoking outside doing so, and all kinds of weird meetings/board games/etc.
Fuck i miss bauhaus...
posted by emptythought at 5:34 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I order a diet coke or water:
1. No one notices or cares
This was the thing for me. Awhile back I took a year off from drinking. Going in, I had my little speech prepared about the reasons I'd decided to abstain, because I still wanted to go out to shows and whatnot and I assumed I'd have to deal with questions a lot about why I was ordering a Coke. I tended to think that people were constantly judging me, so of course they'd have some comment about my drink and whether or not it contained alcohol.
But for the most part, when I would go out and not drink, people wouldn't say anything unless I brought it up. Very rarely anyone asked me why, or insisted I just have one. Because over that year I found that people tend to be too wrapped up in their own shit to care about what you are or are not drinking. For me, it was a big relief. Not because I feared their questions, but because I finally realized that most everyone else is just worrying about their own problems too and I didn't have to be so damned neurotic in social situations.
I'm sure people's experiences will vary, but for me it was very relaxing, knowing that people tend not to care one way or the other about what you're drinking. And on the very off chance they insist you drink or make a thing of it, they probably suck anyways.
posted by joechip at 5:43 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. No one notices or cares
This was the thing for me. Awhile back I took a year off from drinking. Going in, I had my little speech prepared about the reasons I'd decided to abstain, because I still wanted to go out to shows and whatnot and I assumed I'd have to deal with questions a lot about why I was ordering a Coke. I tended to think that people were constantly judging me, so of course they'd have some comment about my drink and whether or not it contained alcohol.
But for the most part, when I would go out and not drink, people wouldn't say anything unless I brought it up. Very rarely anyone asked me why, or insisted I just have one. Because over that year I found that people tend to be too wrapped up in their own shit to care about what you are or are not drinking. For me, it was a big relief. Not because I feared their questions, but because I finally realized that most everyone else is just worrying about their own problems too and I didn't have to be so damned neurotic in social situations.
I'm sure people's experiences will vary, but for me it was very relaxing, knowing that people tend not to care one way or the other about what you're drinking. And on the very off chance they insist you drink or make a thing of it, they probably suck anyways.
posted by joechip at 5:43 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
What we said at Christmas in our house: "I should quit drinking as my New Year's resolution." "And I should quit smoking."
But then there was the duty free shop on the way home. So.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:56 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
But then there was the duty free shop on the way home. So.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:56 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
They're dying out for some asinine reason, since the places i went to were always packed even at 1am
I don't know how old you are, but when I was in college, at night coffeehouses were mostly packed with kids who were too young for bars. The internet wasn't really a thing yet, certainly not social media, so kids had to like, go talk to people if they wanted to talk to people.
posted by desjardins at 5:59 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't know how old you are, but when I was in college, at night coffeehouses were mostly packed with kids who were too young for bars. The internet wasn't really a thing yet, certainly not social media, so kids had to like, go talk to people if they wanted to talk to people.
posted by desjardins at 5:59 PM on December 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I've written comments a half-dozen times that talk about my own relationship with alcohol, and deleted them unposted, so let me just say that I appreciate both this article and, much more so, the ensuing discussion.
posted by box at 6:22 PM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by box at 6:22 PM on December 30, 2015 [12 favorites]
Coffee shops probably come closest. But the hours are all wrong, which leads to a more work-like environment.
We need more coffeehouses, not quite the same thing as coffeeshops. (Though the third place ones are blurring the distinction.)
I still miss the Last Exit, but the Allegro is as wonderful as ever despite being alleyfied.
posted by clew at 6:36 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
We need more coffeehouses, not quite the same thing as coffeeshops. (Though the third place ones are blurring the distinction.)
I still miss the Last Exit, but the Allegro is as wonderful as ever despite being alleyfied.
posted by clew at 6:36 PM on December 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
(I went to coffeehouses even when I could have gone to bars because there wasn't actually conversation in bars in my experience - way too loud. Apparently there's another kind. Is there a tell?)
posted by clew at 6:37 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by clew at 6:37 PM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't know how old you are, but when I was in college, at night coffeehouses were mostly packed with kids who were too young for bars. The internet wasn't really a thing yet, certainly not social media, so kids had to like, go talk to people if they wanted to talk to people.
I'm 25, but this is exactly what we did. It was the cool version of dennys. We'd all text eachother, maybe someone would bring their laptop, and we'd just sit around and chat until really late. That definitely lasted well in to the social media era, and as far as i can tell from my few-years-younger friends still happens.
posted by emptythought at 6:41 PM on December 30, 2015
I'm 25, but this is exactly what we did. It was the cool version of dennys. We'd all text eachother, maybe someone would bring their laptop, and we'd just sit around and chat until really late. That definitely lasted well in to the social media era, and as far as i can tell from my few-years-younger friends still happens.
posted by emptythought at 6:41 PM on December 30, 2015
Eyebrows McGee, Re: The Disappearance of Booze At Social Events: I think you and I are close in generational age, and I've noticed the same thing. I don't really drink any more, but I have a fully stocked liquor cabinet and wine selection in case I decided I want something, or if I have company that wants something, but this Thanksgiving, when one of the guests brought wine we didn't open she asked where to put it, and then from the wine room called out "So...should I just put it on top of the bottle I brought last year?" We all laughed. It's really good wine, which is why I haven't opened them. I know one or two glasses will get poured, and the rest will go manky before it gets finished, so I keep "saving it" for when there's enough people to drink it...and that just never seems to happen. And those times when I've thought "Oh, I'd really like a Manhattan or a martini, or whatever", I buy a bottle, and then it sits on a shelf for a decade. I think I've aged one bottle of scotch on the top shelf longer than it stayed in the barrel, bless its single malt heart.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Emptythought, I totally agree with you here. I had the same reaction to this piece - I feel like a lot of the functional alcoholics in my life do the not drinking for x month/months thing. My therapist told me this is quite common for alcoholics to do - and then they get back on the train.
It's hard to date non drinkers in the early phase because there's nothing to do once dinner's over, whereas I'd usually suggest lingering a bit at a bar. I don't like sweets that much, which is usually the replacement thing for the recovering alcoholics i've dated. Most of the recovering alcoholics I've dated don't like going to bars even to stay and not drink with me. It gets a bit frustrating - I've dated three or so over the last year, and about three heavy drinkers. Moderate drinkers seem tougher to find.
posted by sweetkid at 7:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's hard to date non drinkers in the early phase because there's nothing to do once dinner's over, whereas I'd usually suggest lingering a bit at a bar. I don't like sweets that much, which is usually the replacement thing for the recovering alcoholics i've dated. Most of the recovering alcoholics I've dated don't like going to bars even to stay and not drink with me. It gets a bit frustrating - I've dated three or so over the last year, and about three heavy drinkers. Moderate drinkers seem tougher to find.
posted by sweetkid at 7:18 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
namespan: "Then there are some groups of people in which it iinvokes discomfort. Your choice either says something they don't like about you, or worse, they think it says something about them."
I don't drink, never have for reasons. I had one guy tell me, while we were sitting around his kitchen after a days work having a beer/water that he didn't trust anyone who didn't drink. *jaw drop* Well alrighty then.
I had the weirdest experience though a couple weeks ago. One of the guys I've been role playing with a couple decades unexpectedly died at the end of November. And one of our friends who doesn't game with us arranged a little get together remembrance evening for him at a local brew pub. That's fine if a little loud I thought. However the place only served alcoholic drinks (Mostly in house beer but also some hard stuff). No OJ, Soft drinks, or anything else. It was booze or water. So they had a big 16 seat table taken up and half the people are drinking water. I felt bad for the server. And we talked about it over drinks and food and the organizer admitted it never occurred to him that anyone wouldn't be having beer.
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese: "My group of friends occasionally makes noise about how "social event" shouldn't have to equal "get drinks" but nobody can ever think of any other actual thing to do."
My teetotaler group games. Role playing games can be good for this once you have experience if you aren't too serious because one can shift back and forth between the game and OOC talk and there isn't any need for the game to wrap up before the end of the evening. I'm sure this was the function of whist/hearts/crib/etc. for my parents.
posted by Mitheral at 8:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't drink, never have for reasons. I had one guy tell me, while we were sitting around his kitchen after a days work having a beer/water that he didn't trust anyone who didn't drink. *jaw drop* Well alrighty then.
I had the weirdest experience though a couple weeks ago. One of the guys I've been role playing with a couple decades unexpectedly died at the end of November. And one of our friends who doesn't game with us arranged a little get together remembrance evening for him at a local brew pub. That's fine if a little loud I thought. However the place only served alcoholic drinks (Mostly in house beer but also some hard stuff). No OJ, Soft drinks, or anything else. It was booze or water. So they had a big 16 seat table taken up and half the people are drinking water. I felt bad for the server. And we talked about it over drinks and food and the organizer admitted it never occurred to him that anyone wouldn't be having beer.
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese: "My group of friends occasionally makes noise about how "social event" shouldn't have to equal "get drinks" but nobody can ever think of any other actual thing to do."
My teetotaler group games. Role playing games can be good for this once you have experience if you aren't too serious because one can shift back and forth between the game and OOC talk and there isn't any need for the game to wrap up before the end of the evening. I'm sure this was the function of whist/hearts/crib/etc. for my parents.
posted by Mitheral at 8:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
So giving up the alcohol made that a little bit awkward for a minute, until I remembered that the dude giving me the disapproving look is a bartender, and I don't have to give a shit what some service industry dude thinks of me.
Fucking proles amiright?
I know for a fact that there are people who do work or who have worked in the service industry in this very thread. I guess it's a good thing that you don't have to give a shit what any of them think of you.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 8:46 PM on December 30, 2015 [29 favorites]
Fucking proles amiright?
I know for a fact that there are people who do work or who have worked in the service industry in this very thread. I guess it's a good thing that you don't have to give a shit what any of them think of you.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 8:46 PM on December 30, 2015 [29 favorites]
I had a super shitty date about a year ago where the guy and I went to a fancy cocktail bar and the guy got really incoherent really fast and then left without paying the bill - I offered to split it, he insisted on paying, and then he just ran away after the bartender was like "uh, are you paying or not?" Like literally ran out of the bar.
The bartender was like WTF was that? And i was like "i don't know, I literally just met that person" and the bartender comped half the bill and gave me a LARGE pour of wine and I left him a giant tip and I love bartenders, they notice everything and are genuinely good eggs most of the time.
posted by sweetkid at 9:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [31 favorites]
The bartender was like WTF was that? And i was like "i don't know, I literally just met that person" and the bartender comped half the bill and gave me a LARGE pour of wine and I left him a giant tip and I love bartenders, they notice everything and are genuinely good eggs most of the time.
posted by sweetkid at 9:17 PM on December 30, 2015 [31 favorites]
A few years ago I started telling people I stopped drinking because something in my gut or liver could no longer tolerate alcohol and I would end up dangerously sick if I drank even a toast.
Truth is, I had a serious problem with binge drinking, drugs, and self-destructive behavior that kept threatening my life, but explaining my newfound abstinence as a medical issue was more socially palatable.
I work for a Japanese corporation now, where there is fairly heavy pressure to drink at certain unavoidable functions, so I will continue to lie about my health. I feel just fine about this.
In fact I feel great.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 10:16 PM on December 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
Truth is, I had a serious problem with binge drinking, drugs, and self-destructive behavior that kept threatening my life, but explaining my newfound abstinence as a medical issue was more socially palatable.
I work for a Japanese corporation now, where there is fairly heavy pressure to drink at certain unavoidable functions, so I will continue to lie about my health. I feel just fine about this.
In fact I feel great.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 10:16 PM on December 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
I had a super shitty date about a year ago where the guy and I went to a fancy cocktail bar and the guy got really incoherent really fast and then left without paying the bill - I offered to split it, he insisted on paying, and then he just ran away after the bartender was like "uh, are you paying or not?" Like literally ran out of the bar.
I have been stood up before, but running away during a date, without paying no less, is another level entirely of bad date.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:38 PM on December 30, 2015
I have been stood up before, but running away during a date, without paying no less, is another level entirely of bad date.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:38 PM on December 30, 2015
Like a U-Haul lesbian couple, alcohol and I got serious fast.
What does that even mean?
posted by Doohickie at 10:41 PM on December 30, 2015
What does that even mean?
posted by Doohickie at 10:41 PM on December 30, 2015
The joke is:
What do lesbians do on the 2nd date?
Hire a U-Haul (so that they can move in together).
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
What do lesbians do on the 2nd date?
Hire a U-Haul (so that they can move in together).
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
FWIW, I do drink but the company of simpatico people is far more important to me than the contents of their glasses.
posted by brujita at 10:48 PM on December 30, 2015
posted by brujita at 10:48 PM on December 30, 2015
Dip Flash, he tried to apologize like 15 times saying he got too drunk, but he'd only had two drinks and was not over his divorce or something. I eventually blocked his number, no way was he getting a fraction of a second chance.
posted by sweetkid at 10:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 10:48 PM on December 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
It just kind of rings really hollow to me? The article just feels a lot less sincere than its tagline.
I hope the author figures out what works for them someday.
Because who. cares. that much about others participating in a voluntary beverage.
Alcoholics. Active alcoholics care.
posted by bongo_x at 11:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I hope the author figures out what works for them someday.
Because who. cares. that much about others participating in a voluntary beverage.
Alcoholics. Active alcoholics care.
posted by bongo_x at 11:00 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Not my fault, the NIMH says. Deprived of alcohol’s feel-good dopamine surge, the body craves another source.
Yeah, your fault. You can overcome cravings. In fact, I plan to do exactly that with the new year. (Of course, I'm on the other side of that now, weighing altogether too much. Wish me luck.)
Why, then, you might ask, are you putting yourself through this? I ask that of myself multiple times each day.
I don’t know. No, really. I don’t. And I’m good with that. Maybe I’ve been in La-La too long, but I believe in not knowing. Some of the best things in my life have happened following oh-so-rare episodes of waiting-and-seeing, instead of my usual rushing-to-resolve-it-already.
This is brilliant. I've had this thought myself, except that I haven't. I mean, I've never seen it put so perfectly. A lot of the worlds' ills might be solved, I suspect, if more people just waited-and-saw.
I realized tonight that I've become a bit estranged from a group of friends. We ride bicycles, and we drink. There have been times when I've simply ridden with them and not drank, and everyone is cool with that, but I think the fact that drinking is so much a part of the group that I've been shying away. As I begin my diet with the new year, perhaps I should just give up alcohol altogether as well.
I enjoyed that article a lot more than I thought I was going to when I started reading. Thanks, Kitteh.
posted by Doohickie at 11:02 PM on December 30, 2015
Yeah, your fault. You can overcome cravings. In fact, I plan to do exactly that with the new year. (Of course, I'm on the other side of that now, weighing altogether too much. Wish me luck.)
Why, then, you might ask, are you putting yourself through this? I ask that of myself multiple times each day.
I don’t know. No, really. I don’t. And I’m good with that. Maybe I’ve been in La-La too long, but I believe in not knowing. Some of the best things in my life have happened following oh-so-rare episodes of waiting-and-seeing, instead of my usual rushing-to-resolve-it-already.
This is brilliant. I've had this thought myself, except that I haven't. I mean, I've never seen it put so perfectly. A lot of the worlds' ills might be solved, I suspect, if more people just waited-and-saw.
I realized tonight that I've become a bit estranged from a group of friends. We ride bicycles, and we drink. There have been times when I've simply ridden with them and not drank, and everyone is cool with that, but I think the fact that drinking is so much a part of the group that I've been shying away. As I begin my diet with the new year, perhaps I should just give up alcohol altogether as well.
I enjoyed that article a lot more than I thought I was going to when I started reading. Thanks, Kitteh.
posted by Doohickie at 11:02 PM on December 30, 2015
I kinda think the author should just go ahead and have that martini. I'd oppose the "problem drinker" label but for the buzzed driving part. Having not had a drink in that long, though, I'd think she could muster the will to use uber more.
booooooze, I thought the author made it pretty clear that the reason she didn't have the one martini is that what she really wanted was the whole bottle and didn't really want to go there.
posted by Doohickie at 11:11 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
booooooze, I thought the author made it pretty clear that the reason she didn't have the one martini is that what she really wanted was the whole bottle and didn't really want to go there.
posted by Doohickie at 11:11 PM on December 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I really struggled explaining why I wasn't drinking for several years after I stopped; there wasn't really social pressure, it was more like social confusion. You begin to realise how central alcohol is to the social contract in western culture. Could you imagine passing a bong around at a business lunch? But insisting on everyone drinking goes without saying.
What made it incredibly easy for me, however, was also giving up smoking. Suddenly my excuse was "I'm not drinking, it makes me want to smoke" (which is true) and because smoking is now universally a Very Bad Thing in my social group, no-one questions me and is overwhelmingly supportive.
posted by Jimbob at 2:03 AM on December 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
What made it incredibly easy for me, however, was also giving up smoking. Suddenly my excuse was "I'm not drinking, it makes me want to smoke" (which is true) and because smoking is now universally a Very Bad Thing in my social group, no-one questions me and is overwhelmingly supportive.
posted by Jimbob at 2:03 AM on December 31, 2015 [12 favorites]
In the posted article, I find the girl/woman friend just a bit... No! I find her very controlling. "You can't drink while you're around me." So, no long term relationship that isn't teetotal, right? I wonder if this had been a male/female relationship, if people would be discussing the control aspect.
The parts of the article that people seem to relate to personally have to do with recognizing incipient alcoholism and/or feeling odd because of not drinking in a social situation. Fine. But I'm not certain that was the author's premise.
posted by CCBC at 2:59 AM on December 31, 2015
The parts of the article that people seem to relate to personally have to do with recognizing incipient alcoholism and/or feeling odd because of not drinking in a social situation. Fine. But I'm not certain that was the author's premise.
posted by CCBC at 2:59 AM on December 31, 2015
a partner asserting their own boundaries for a relationship isn't automatically controlling. i know lots of people who won't date those who drink, or smoke weed, or eat meat, or do/don't believe in god. i mean, i don't think it matters one bit if a it's a man or a woman who says this, “I don’t want to be around you when you’re drinking. I don’t care what you do when you’re alone or with your friends, but from now on you can either drink, or you can spend time with me.” it seems like a totally fair boundary to assert. maran had the choice to just say no, that's not acceptable, but she heard that and realized it hit at something that was true and important.
posted by nadawi at 7:10 AM on December 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 7:10 AM on December 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
In the posted article, I find the girl/woman friend just a bit... No! I find her very controlling. "You can't drink while you're around me." So, no long term relationship that isn't teetotal, right?
I don't think she ever indicated she wanted only a teetotaling relationship. It was her partner's drinking that concerned her, because it walled Maran off emotionally.
It is generally worthwhile to pay attention when a close connection points out that a substance is having a significant and negative impact on the relationship.
posted by bearwife at 8:00 AM on December 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
I stopped drinking for 7 weeks and gained 4 pounds! phooey.
But I will still be doing Dryanuary, since I have enjoyed quite a bit of booze over the holidays.
posted by Theta States at 10:00 AM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
But I will still be doing Dryanuary, since I have enjoyed quite a bit of booze over the holidays.
posted by Theta States at 10:00 AM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I quit drinking for five weeks last year, conveniently timed to fall after the Super Bowl and before St. Patrick's Day. (Sorry, no single whole calendar month and no saccharine-cutesy name.) If people asked, I told them I had put on a few pounds and was trying to take them off, which was true (but maybe not the whole truth). And I did lose weight — for me, I think it's not just the empty calories from alcohol itself, but also that I eat more when I'm drinking. Also I found I slept better during those five weeks.
So did I extend it beyond those five weeks? Of course not. But I might do it again this year.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
So did I extend it beyond those five weeks? Of course not. But I might do it again this year.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
No it's not controlling at all to set a boundary like that in a relationship. It's very educational to see if the person will choose you or the addiction.
posted by sweetkid at 11:44 AM on January 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 11:44 AM on January 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
No it's not controlling at all to set a boundary like that in a relationship. It's very educational to see if the person will choose you or the addiction.
Except for gaining a lot of weight, for some reason. That seems to be the third rail.
posted by sfkiddo at 12:14 PM on January 1, 2016
Except for gaining a lot of weight, for some reason. That seems to be the third rail.
posted by sfkiddo at 12:14 PM on January 1, 2016
sfkiddo, if I understand you, there are at-least-several AskMes about talking to a partner about weight gain and diplomatic ways of broaching the topic. Beyond that, I don't think I've ever heard of anybody trying to set a boundary that their partner not eat while spending time together, and if it has, it certainly hasn't come up enough to be a "third rail."
posted by rhizome at 12:32 PM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 12:32 PM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've been thinking a lot recently about how ingrained drinking is in city life. No one has to drive. Everyone lives in small apartments with thin walls or roommates. Bars are the defacto meeting place. Where else can you meet up and just hang out at 9pm in the middle of the week? You can't monopolize a table at a restaurant all night. No one drinks coffee that late. What do you do - if everyone you hang out with isn't all involved in the same Specialized Activity/Subcultural Regular Standing Meeting Thing? I have perfectly sober relationships with people I only see at my cycling group rides or the book club or whatever, but everyone else, all my more intimate friendships - we meet up for drinks because our apartments are not really for great for hosting people.
The bar is one of the only sort of semi-public urban spaces left. You don't have to drink, you can just hang out and talk and be there. Someone above said it's central to the social contract, and it is true, more so in the city I think.
When I go back home and visit friends they hang out with each other at their houses. They don't have more than a few beers because they have to drive home. When they do go out they all split an Uber (seems to me Uber has done more to stop drunk driving in the suburbs than anything else, a big recent change). The purpose of going to a bar to them is to party or have a 'night out', not to just meet up. Totally different drinking culture.
And in those situations, it's amazing how much mental energy has to be devoted to 'I have to drive later, can I drink this?' while socializing, which is something that is just not a factor at all back at home when the bar is a few blocks or subway stops away.
I wonder what the difference in alcohol consumption would be compared against something like population density.
posted by bradbane at 12:34 PM on January 1, 2016
The bar is one of the only sort of semi-public urban spaces left. You don't have to drink, you can just hang out and talk and be there. Someone above said it's central to the social contract, and it is true, more so in the city I think.
When I go back home and visit friends they hang out with each other at their houses. They don't have more than a few beers because they have to drive home. When they do go out they all split an Uber (seems to me Uber has done more to stop drunk driving in the suburbs than anything else, a big recent change). The purpose of going to a bar to them is to party or have a 'night out', not to just meet up. Totally different drinking culture.
And in those situations, it's amazing how much mental energy has to be devoted to 'I have to drive later, can I drink this?' while socializing, which is something that is just not a factor at all back at home when the bar is a few blocks or subway stops away.
I wonder what the difference in alcohol consumption would be compared against something like population density.
posted by bradbane at 12:34 PM on January 1, 2016
No one's ever threatened to beat me up after eating a few too many onion rings, so I don't see the weight equivalent. Sorry.
posted by sweetkid at 12:45 PM on January 1, 2016
posted by sweetkid at 12:45 PM on January 1, 2016
I wonder what the difference in alcohol consumption would be compared against something like population density.
Now I'm curious. In Wisconsin it seems like it would be a lot higher in rural areas for lack of other options. (Every town, no matter how small, has at least 2 bars.) But there is an intense drinking culture here that is not found elsewhere to the same degree. I quipped on Twitter that the most unbelievable part of Making a Murderer was that someone got jail time for a DUI in Wisconsin.
posted by desjardins at 1:20 PM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Now I'm curious. In Wisconsin it seems like it would be a lot higher in rural areas for lack of other options. (Every town, no matter how small, has at least 2 bars.) But there is an intense drinking culture here that is not found elsewhere to the same degree. I quipped on Twitter that the most unbelievable part of Making a Murderer was that someone got jail time for a DUI in Wisconsin.
posted by desjardins at 1:20 PM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Because who. cares. that much about others participating in a voluntary beverage.
No one wants to be the last one at the party.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:43 PM on January 4, 2016
No one wants to be the last one at the party.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:43 PM on January 4, 2016
There are other things you might try doing without to see if your life improves. (via Greg Nog, also see other entries in that thread.)
posted by CCBC at 2:27 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by CCBC at 2:27 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
So I seem to be doing an involuntary Dryanuary this year. I've got what might be a herniated lumbar disk and while Meloxicam and alcohol won't kill you, it's not a great idea so I'm off for at least the thirty day course. I just came from a party and I'll admit that it was kind of blah not being able to drink but it wasn't the worst thing.
posted by octothorpe at 8:31 PM on January 9, 2016
posted by octothorpe at 8:31 PM on January 9, 2016
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