All my kisses are sham kisses.
December 31, 2015 1:46 PM Subscribe
Maternal kisses are not effective in alleviating minor childhood injuries (boo-boos): a randomized, controlled and blinded study, by the Study of Maternal and Child Kissing (SMACK) Working Group.
were's the rub dirt on it group?
posted by French Fry at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by French Fry at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
Buck up, kiddo.
posted by pracowity at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
The brutality of subjecting random children to boo-boos in order to study this is something I'm reporting to the authorities.
posted by hippybear at 1:58 PM on December 31, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 1:58 PM on December 31, 2015 [19 favorites]
ideuts anywan kneus ju pjut on di bendache on di booboo
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:01 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:01 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
SMACK is a bunch of lying liars and they are worse than Andrew Wakefield that's right I'm sayin' it.
posted by Etrigan at 2:08 PM on December 31, 2015
posted by Etrigan at 2:08 PM on December 31, 2015
were's the rub dirt on it group?
Gone to coaching every one ---
When will they e-e-ver learn?
posted by jamjam at 2:09 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Gone to coaching every one ---
When will they e-e-ver learn?
posted by jamjam at 2:09 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Next up: Maternal saliva is not effective in cleaning schmutz off children's faces.
posted by Knappster at 2:13 PM on December 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by Knappster at 2:13 PM on December 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
Convince my daughter of this and the CDC will likely thank you.
posted by selfnoise at 2:26 PM on December 31, 2015
posted by selfnoise at 2:26 PM on December 31, 2015
"Children were blinded to the identity of the kisser in both the maternal and sham control groups."
Uh, I think I see where the error in their testing came from.
"In fact, children in the maternal kissing group were significantly more distressed at 5 minutes than were children in the no intervention group."
Well, yeah. Some strange adult who you have no idea who it is, ACTS like your parent, invades your personal bubble and kisses your injury? And you don't know where your ACTUAL parent is? I'd be significantly more distressed, too!
Over Xmas, my toddler bonked his head on something and his auntie, who he adores, scooped him up, but he wanted NONE OF IT. "WHERE MAMA GO?" And then when he saw me down the stairs, he was PISSED that I was not up there when he needed me. I had the gall to have been doing ANYTHING other than being there to give his bump a kiss immediately.
posted by jillithd at 2:31 PM on December 31, 2015 [22 favorites]
Uh, I think I see where the error in their testing came from.
"In fact, children in the maternal kissing group were significantly more distressed at 5 minutes than were children in the no intervention group."
Well, yeah. Some strange adult who you have no idea who it is, ACTS like your parent, invades your personal bubble and kisses your injury? And you don't know where your ACTUAL parent is? I'd be significantly more distressed, too!
Over Xmas, my toddler bonked his head on something and his auntie, who he adores, scooped him up, but he wanted NONE OF IT. "WHERE MAMA GO?" And then when he saw me down the stairs, he was PISSED that I was not up there when he needed me. I had the gall to have been doing ANYTHING other than being there to give his bump a kiss immediately.
posted by jillithd at 2:31 PM on December 31, 2015 [22 favorites]
You're a bad parent and I'm reporting you to the authorities in the same call that I said I was making earlier.
posted by hippybear at 2:38 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 2:38 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
The practice of maternal kissing of boo-boos is not supported by the evidence and we recommend a moratorium on the practice.
Oh ffs. This is a joke, right? If not they can kiss my ass.
posted by billiebee at 2:54 PM on December 31, 2015
Oh ffs. This is a joke, right? If not they can kiss my ass.
posted by billiebee at 2:54 PM on December 31, 2015
Did you slip and fall and have a boo-boo on your ass?
posted by hippybear at 2:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 2:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [36 favorites]
yes it is new years and I have been drinking and I want my mummy
posted by billiebee at 2:57 PM on December 31, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 2:57 PM on December 31, 2015 [18 favorites]
"were's the rub dirt on it group?"
They mostly died from infections. Except for the ones whose dirt included certain clays.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:59 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
They mostly died from infections. Except for the ones whose dirt included certain clays.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:59 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh ffs. This is a joke, right? If not they can kiss my ass.
Well don't expect that to make you feel any better, bub.
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:11 PM on December 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Well don't expect that to make you feel any better, bub.
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:11 PM on December 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Fortunately, the same research team has already determined that stepping on cracks does not noticeably increase the incidents of spinal injury in the mothers of the subjects.
Also, while rain always comes again another day, it goes away when asked less that .13% of the time.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:04 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Also, while rain always comes again another day, it goes away when asked less that .13% of the time.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:04 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Picked up my niece from school. She had a skinned knee. Well, just barely skinned. You could barely see the injury in very bright light under a magnifying glass.
She was in a complaining mood so I put some ice in a bag. Wrapped it in a towel. Convinced her this was a cure-all for any athletic injury. She was holding the ice on her knee when her mom came to get her. "You just baby her, don't you?" mom said to me. I think I had my second proudest moment as an uncle then. Was even prouder when she started always asking mom for ice for random playground ailments.
posted by honestcoyote at 4:05 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
She was in a complaining mood so I put some ice in a bag. Wrapped it in a towel. Convinced her this was a cure-all for any athletic injury. She was holding the ice on her knee when her mom came to get her. "You just baby her, don't you?" mom said to me. I think I had my second proudest moment as an uncle then. Was even prouder when she started always asking mom for ice for random playground ailments.
posted by honestcoyote at 4:05 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Still waiting to hear a report back from the Survey On Admonishment of Profanity group.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:08 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Wolfdog at 4:08 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
Can someone share the full article in the interests of science?
posted by humanfont at 4:19 PM on December 31, 2015
posted by humanfont at 4:19 PM on December 31, 2015
Gasp! Sacrilege. My mommy's kisses heal everything. 😤
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:28 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:28 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Clearly, they need to do a follow-up in 20 years to see which group required more therapy.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:03 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:03 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
One of the saddest moments of my life was when my preschooler experienced for the first time the excruciating pain of stepping barefoot on a Lego, and came speed-limping over to me, wailing, demanding, "MOMMY! KISS IT!" And I did. And there was a brief pause in wailing, and then he burst into noisier tears and said accusingly, "IT DIDN'T HELP!" He was so totally betrayed.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, not even mom's kisses can fix the pain of Lego foot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:04 PM on December 31, 2015 [43 favorites]
I'm sorry, sweetheart, not even mom's kisses can fix the pain of Lego foot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:04 PM on December 31, 2015 [43 favorites]
Related: Is ice water on a napkin at a restaurant an effective anti-bacterial?
posted by bendy at 5:12 PM on December 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by bendy at 5:12 PM on December 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Informed consent was obtained from the mothers prior to enrolment and assent, in the form of a bit of a smile, was obtained from all toddlers. The study was approved by the Human Subjects Committee of the SMACK.
...
To induce head boo-boos, a piece of chocolate was placed under a low table edge and the child would be allowed to crawl to the candy. Invariably, the child would then stand to eat the chocolate and would strike his or her head on the table edge.
Hearts of stone; but, you know, someone has to do it.
posted by StephenB at 5:18 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
...
To induce head boo-boos, a piece of chocolate was placed under a low table edge and the child would be allowed to crawl to the candy. Invariably, the child would then stand to eat the chocolate and would strike his or her head on the table edge.
Hearts of stone; but, you know, someone has to do it.
posted by StephenB at 5:18 PM on December 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
This is one of those times I'm going to have to wave off the study and fall back on anecdote: for over eight years now, my son has stopped crying and has felt better when I've administered a kiss in the vicinity of a minor injury.
However, said kisses have been paternal, not maternal, and we call them owees, not boo-boos, so perhaps the parameters need to be changed and a follow-up study be conducted.
posted by vverse23 at 6:30 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
However, said kisses have been paternal, not maternal, and we call them owees, not boo-boos, so perhaps the parameters need to be changed and a follow-up study be conducted.
posted by vverse23 at 6:30 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
I've had pretty good luck with paternal kisses on both my sons. I asked the younger one (he was 6 or 7) to pay attention and see if it worked better than doing nothing or using a band-aid, and he thought it worked a bit.
posted by sneebler at 6:42 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by sneebler at 6:42 PM on December 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
There is a critical flaw in the study. As the authors themselves note, "There was a trend (P = 0.08, data not shown) for those mothers whose child received the sham-kiss intervention in the first testing session to not complete the second."
It is entirely possible that a proportion of sham kiss group experienced significantly less pain relief due to the sham rather than real maternal kiss treatment and left the study before the second session not wanting to repeat the experience. Hence bias in self selection for exit from the study could explain the negative result for "mama kisses" as they are know in our house.
I am surprised this got passed review, I shall be writing to the editor. For now I think it is reasonable to keep administering maternal kiss treatment until further large scale properly designed studies are performed.
posted by drnick at 6:49 PM on December 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
It is entirely possible that a proportion of sham kiss group experienced significantly less pain relief due to the sham rather than real maternal kiss treatment and left the study before the second session not wanting to repeat the experience. Hence bias in self selection for exit from the study could explain the negative result for "mama kisses" as they are know in our house.
I am surprised this got passed review, I shall be writing to the editor. For now I think it is reasonable to keep administering maternal kiss treatment until further large scale properly designed studies are performed.
posted by drnick at 6:49 PM on December 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
One time my toddler son while riding his tricycle down the driveway had the front wheel and handlebars disengage from the rest of the trike causing him to sustain a mild but painful bump to his nether regions, specifically his genitals. His solution, of course, was to call for mummy to kiss it better as he dropped his shorts - in our plain view back yard. I knew at least one of us would be mentally scarred by his solution, so this is where the power kiss was born. I explained that it is was so powerful, I had to stand way back, so as not to cause any extra damage - which he thought very sensible, so he stood there with his little toddler shorts and underpants around his ankles, with his pelvis tilted in my direction while I stood about 5 metres away, and built up a very loud mmm-hum ending in the conventional mwah, which was very effective (apparently). Then I went somewhere and had a little sit down and was grateful for the speed of my brain and his absolute trust in me.
posted by b33j at 6:54 PM on December 31, 2015 [58 favorites]
posted by b33j at 6:54 PM on December 31, 2015 [58 favorites]
I hit my elbow on something a couple weeks ago and I yelled because it really hurt. My two year old ran over and kissed my arm and looked absurdly proud of himself. It totally worked.
posted by gatorae at 8:34 PM on December 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 8:34 PM on December 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
Until I read b33j's comment I was feeling sorry for myself that my preschooler wanted me to kiss his teeth (the back of them). Mind you I wasn't smart enough to come up with a power kiss concept.
posted by biggreenplant at 9:27 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by biggreenplant at 9:27 PM on December 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Pretty sure science will support my magic thumb technique.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was always under the impression that a maternal kiss could be easily transferred to a maternal hand in order that it could be applied to difficult to reach or delicate locations.
posted by drnick at 9:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by drnick at 9:56 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think it is a joke rather than a hoax. There are clues and subtle jokes all the way through, I'm sure the editor would have been in on it. The methods of inducing the "boos" were hilarious, but there is no way you'd get them past an ethics committee, for instance.
posted by drnick at 10:36 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by drnick at 10:36 PM on December 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's a hoax.
Get the fuck out! You can’t believe anyone these days. Especially scientists.
posted by bongo_x at 10:53 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Get the fuck out! You can’t believe anyone these days. Especially scientists.
posted by bongo_x at 10:53 PM on December 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
While I was recently visiting my kids, my 13 year old son accidentally gave himself a paper cut. Just a little one, nothing major. But of course, you know as well as I, those little paper cuts hurt like nobody's business. I was able to kiss it and make it better with the power of Magic Mama Kisses (tm). The MMKs started at the top of his head, then went all over his face, down his neck, across his shoulder, down his arm, over both sides of his hand, then finally to his fingertip. He conceded that MMKs did, indeed, make it feel better.
These so-called scientists are lying liars, whose pants shall be on fire momentarily.
I have spoken.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:48 AM on January 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
These so-called scientists are lying liars, whose pants shall be on fire momentarily.
I have spoken.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:48 AM on January 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
Eponyster... Nope. Just Nope.
posted by fullerine at 4:04 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fullerine at 4:04 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh, this is some sort of weird joke? Okay. Because I was like, "But wait, Winicott would have sai—"
posted by listen, lady at 4:07 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by listen, lady at 4:07 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Our go-to remedy is rice packs, which live in the freezer. These are about 4-inch-square fabric bean-bag type things, filled with rice, and apparently they cure any small owies. I made a bunch of these bags for a bean-bag toss game for some birthday party, and so we had a bunch left over.
Good for what ails you. And as a bonus, bigger ones actually are useful for actually icing injuries. And you can hear them in the microwave, for helping go to sleep or for stomachaches or whatever.
I strongly encourage you to make some for your kids! If you don't have access to a sewing machine, you can put rice in a tube sock and tie the top in a knot, or tightly tie some string around the top.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:53 AM on January 1, 2016
Good for what ails you. And as a bonus, bigger ones actually are useful for actually icing injuries. And you can hear them in the microwave, for helping go to sleep or for stomachaches or whatever.
I strongly encourage you to make some for your kids! If you don't have access to a sewing machine, you can put rice in a tube sock and tie the top in a knot, or tightly tie some string around the top.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:53 AM on January 1, 2016
I skinned my knee when I was about eight and my grandfather licked it, telling me that licking a scrape is the best way to stop the bleeding and make it heal faster. For ages after that I would lick my own scratches and scrapes, or dab at them with a spit-covered fingertip.
Now I think about licking the oozing blood from my children's limbs and shudder because that is the grossest thing imaginable. My grandfather was either crazy or the smartest person around.
posted by tracicle at 6:06 AM on January 1, 2016
Now I think about licking the oozing blood from my children's limbs and shudder because that is the grossest thing imaginable. My grandfather was either crazy or the smartest person around.
posted by tracicle at 6:06 AM on January 1, 2016
They want $35 for the full report? #icanhazpdf ?
posted by memebake at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by memebake at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
My grandfather was either crazy or the smartest person around.
Or both. There is a lot of evidence for saliva having a positive effect on wound healing.
Anecdotally, growing up in an equatorial country where mosquito bites are common, I found that licking the sites of where I was bitten alleviated the itching faster.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 8:41 AM on January 1, 2016
Or both. There is a lot of evidence for saliva having a positive effect on wound healing.
Anecdotally, growing up in an equatorial country where mosquito bites are common, I found that licking the sites of where I was bitten alleviated the itching faster.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 8:41 AM on January 1, 2016
Or both. There is a lot of evidence for saliva having a positive effect on wound healing.
Unless, as a friend of mine found out the hard way, your mom has strep throat.
posted by dances with hamsters at 9:16 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Unless, as a friend of mine found out the hard way, your mom has strep throat.
posted by dances with hamsters at 9:16 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Why do parent's want to make Yogi Bear's sidekick go away?
posted by srboisvert at 9:49 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by srboisvert at 9:49 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
We use an enhanced mama kiss technique. Because the kids know we are both doctors, they know that we both have iPhone apps that take X-rays. Now whenever a boo-boo occurs, here is the scenario:
"Waaah mommy mommy owwiiee!" *holding injured body part*
"Oh, honey, let me take an X-ray and see how bad it is."
*google image search X-ray horrific injury to specified body part*
"Oh, baby, it looks pretty bad, see. Let me kiss it for you."
Either crying stops and Minion bandaid is applied, or we then apply head to toe bandages with arm sling and leg splints. Sometimes there is a "shot" of medicine in the arm to make it feel better. Reason number 671 why being a physician is fucking up my kids.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:52 AM on January 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
"Waaah mommy mommy owwiiee!" *holding injured body part*
"Oh, honey, let me take an X-ray and see how bad it is."
*google image search X-ray horrific injury to specified body part*
"Oh, baby, it looks pretty bad, see. Let me kiss it for you."
Either crying stops and Minion bandaid is applied, or we then apply head to toe bandages with arm sling and leg splints. Sometimes there is a "shot" of medicine in the arm to make it feel better. Reason number 671 why being a physician is fucking up my kids.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:52 AM on January 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Is there the equivalent of those tax-free college cost savings accounts that you could start for your kids' future therapy bills?
posted by hippybear at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Reason 672: "I'd like to call in a new script for Seroquel. It's for my son"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:44 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:44 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
SMACK is an ok study acronym, but my personal favorite from 2015 was the RUN DMC (Radboud University Nijmegen Diffusion Tensor and Magnetic Resonance Cohort) study.
posted by terooot at 2:27 PM on January 1, 2016
posted by terooot at 2:27 PM on January 1, 2016
For ages after that I would lick my own scratches and scrapes, or dab at them with a spit-covered fingertip.
I did this after reading Watership Down, because if rabbits do it then it surely must be a good idea. (I can't say it didn't work, though.)
posted by bjrubble at 9:39 PM on January 1, 2016
I did this after reading Watership Down, because if rabbits do it then it surely must be a good idea. (I can't say it didn't work, though.)
posted by bjrubble at 9:39 PM on January 1, 2016
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posted by jpe at 1:48 PM on December 31, 2015 [8 favorites]