His grotesquely swollen jaw had healed by this point.

January 7, 2016 8:20 AM

Jon Bois (Breaking Madden [previously], The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles [previously], Pretty Good) recounts the oral history of the successful 1996 presidential campaign of Ken Griffey, Jr.

You may have heard that President Griffey, Jr. was recently elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame, [autoplay video] despite his shortened playing career.

posted by Rock Steady (12 comments total)

I was thinking how much I'd like to live in that universe, but I don't think President Rice would have made the 21st Century any better.
posted by Etrigan at 8:30 AM on January 7, 2016

Dan Plesac pulling 12 electoral votes in Indiana might be the funniest thing I've seen all year.
posted by splen at 8:36 AM on January 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

Especially since Plesac was only 34 in 1996 as well.
posted by Etrigan at 8:44 AM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

On the subject of Ken Griffey, Jr, this story about cancer and mothers is a must read.

Also, Jon Bois is a national treasure.
posted by Joey Michaels at 9:22 AM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was assuming he meant President Jerry Rice
posted by saturday_morning at 10:08 AM on January 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

My god. just when I think Bois can't get any better, he goes and builds a brilliant surreal alternate universe right in the middle of my childhood. Amazing.

I thought George Will's pompous cluelessness was the best part, until I got to this:

JAY BUHNER, friend:

Some folks thought Ken was an anarchist or something. He wasn't, he was just a defeatist, that's all. Six-plus years of Mariners baseball will do that to a man.

posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:58 AM on January 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

oh my god the election results map. with Dan Plesac winning Indiana.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:00 AM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

You Can't Tip a Buick: "I thought George Will's pompous cluelessness was the best part,"

I liked Junior and Darren Bragg joshing each other about Ayn Rand.

BRAGG: [...] And then he reached up and grabbed The Fountainhead. I was like, "oh Hell no, dude," and he laughed and put it back. I think he just wanted to see what I would say. It was good to see him joking around again.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:03 AM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

basically I'm resisting the urge to copy-paste every single paragraph of this thing.

okay just one more:

I kind of always knew he'd come back to baseball. And you know, I couldn't help but think: what if we had Kenny during those years? I mean, we could have had him, A-Rod, Randy Johnson, Edgar Martinez, maybe even Ichiro at the same time. My heart breaks whenever I think of what I could have done with that lineup. I think we could have won at least one World Series. I truly believe that.

I mean if you're of a very specific age and if you grew up in Seattle, this whole paragraph is just one twist of the knife after another.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:05 AM on January 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

Bois in '16!
posted by ursus_comiter at 12:24 PM on January 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

LOved it though Wisconsin would have also went Plesac.
posted by drezdn at 2:08 PM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh great, now I have to go and binge-read everything new he's written since the last time I did that.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:46 PM on January 7, 2016 [5 favorites]