DOES THIS FIT WITHIN MY FUCK-BUDGET:
January 18, 2016 1:57 PM   Subscribe

 
Must be nice to be able to walk away from a high paying job just because you don't give a fuck.
posted by octothorpe at 2:01 PM on January 18, 2016 [93 favorites]


I guess this seems like a pretty viable way to decrease your stress level if you have a lot of privilege? The "I stopped giving fucks!" story from someone who doesn't have resources most likely ends up with them homeless or dead. Which is why we don't see too many glowing accounts from that angle.
posted by threeants at 2:04 PM on January 18, 2016 [135 favorites]


She slept more, drank more wine, got a suntan, did the work she wanted to and, of course, got a book deal.

Not giving a fuck sounds like a great job.

If you can get it.

I imagine the whole "successful executive in the publishing industry in New York" thing helps a bit with the getting the book deal part.

Probably the whole "made a fair bit of money" thing helps with the "feeling it's ok to cease fuck-giving" part.

Is that my privilege alarm going off?
posted by dersins at 2:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [57 favorites]


Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitably, but comes from the tireless efforts of men and women willing to not give a fuck.

- The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
posted by 4ster at 2:10 PM on January 18, 2016 [14 favorites]


Would you like some giving fuck, berzerker?
posted by jonmc at 2:14 PM on January 18, 2016 [72 favorites]


Harvard-educated high powered executive married white woman with enough social contacts to create her own life writes about how liberating it is to not give a fuck.

Privilege alarm, indeed.
posted by hippybear at 2:16 PM on January 18, 2016 [93 favorites]


His content was posted a little while ago at this point, but this guy has some interesting thoughts about how not to give a fuck in a principled way. Couldn't find his twitter feed tho??
posted by threeants at 2:17 PM on January 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I found the flowchart really hard to follow, as the question “Do I Give a Fuck?” can only ever be rhetorical.
posted by scruss at 2:22 PM on January 18, 2016


This rubs one the wrong way in the same fashion as Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In does. In many cases, you can choose to lean in or to not give a fuck only when that's an actual choice for you where the risks and rewards balance the right way, where the power relationships are in your favour, and when you have a safety net for going back to giving a fuck if you need to.

However, some of the examples in the article are perfectly achievable for everyone, and are the staple of Ask Metafilter answers. By all means, don't hang out with people you don't like and who make you feel shitty. Don't feel obligated to view whole TV series of films if you don't absolutely love them, for fucks sake. DTMFA. Don't do favours to your job, because your job won't be doing favours back to you. Stop caring about the careful façade put up by the people on your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram feeds. In fact, stop caring about catching up with your endless stream of Metafilt^W you know what I mean. Stop giving a fuck so much about things that are not, to munge a Seinfeld idiom, fuck-worthy.

More than not giving a fuck, the lesson is to make better accounting of your fucks budget, and spend them carefully.

(Note: I got a bit carried away, and at some point I started adding my own examples. Consider this a harangue to myself. But I know that, on reading this, you're making your own additions to the list, because we all are.))))
posted by kandinski at 2:31 PM on January 18, 2016 [52 favorites]


Someone needs to start a betting pool on the Blue for each post and how long it will take for the P Word to be invoked.

I myself was kind of amused by the op and also think the takeaway wouldn't be WHITE HARVARD WOMAN WITH BIG JOB SWEARS AT WORLD, but the value of thinking a bit about why we do what we do and whether there are other ways to think about things.

Also, despite the amusing overuse of the cursing her not giving a F doesn't seem to be a punk rock rejection of the world and its people. Anyone can think about why they are doing what they are doing a bit more.
posted by C.A.S. at 2:32 PM on January 18, 2016 [16 favorites]


I liked the article. And I give zero f**** that no one here agrees with me.
posted by pjsky at 2:34 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Must be nice to be able to walk away from a high paying job just because you don't give a fuck.

Reductive argument. You can not give a fuck about your low-paying job, and still take steps to move away from it as best you can. You are not a slave. (Are you? Are you really a slave? How did you get Internet access?) Or you can stay in the job you must keep and change your attitude about it.

Framing this as "must be nice, ya' goddamn 1 percenter, Feel the Bern!" doesn't help anything.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:35 PM on January 18, 2016 [22 favorites]


This is super privilege-y and annoying. However, her advice about setting expectations for others is good, especially when it comes to family gatherings. Your huge family is planning a 5 day get together? Tell them you are coming for two days, and stick do it. That's very helpful to me.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:37 PM on January 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


This resonates with me, though I think the article is a bit glib at points. I made a decision to get out of the corporate rat race 15 years ago and making the decision was not easy for me.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I was in a conversation with a friend/guitar mentor. He asked me a genuine question regarding my behavior on something (the which was not anti-social but was certainly not mainstream) and my reply was "Because I get to be me."

I'm most assuredly not rich, nor do I feel privileged with respect to life being all wine and roses prior to making my decision. It was a matter of revelation and principle for me back then and while there are times during which I wish I had more money and/or a little more freedom to do things I might otherwise have done when I was a corporate-climber, I have found the I much prefer to accept and live with the limitations that accompany the "I get to be me" choice. (I'd prefer to say it that way because I still do give a fuck, it's just about different things.)

More power to people who thoughtfully choose to lead their lives in ways that are harmonious with their muse. We all do things we do not wish to do, that our responsibilities require us to do, but that doesn't mean that ordering our lives has to be a deterministic issue. It's just a matter of what set of constraints one accepts in our world.
posted by CincyBlues at 2:38 PM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


I skimmed the article and frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuck. Me? i turned to the Far East and learned about losing attachments.
posted by Postroad at 2:39 PM on January 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


Someone needs to start a betting pool on the Blue for each post and how long it will take for the P Word to be invoked.

this. many times over. particularly annoying as Metafilter is a mostly American site populated with mostly well educated people who, well, in comparison to the rest of the world, can't help but have more than their share of that p-thing.

So given that we mostly all have it (at least to some degree), perhaps the more relevant question is what we do with it.

From the article:

She stopped hanging out with people she didn’t actually like. She stopped going to her friends’ toddlers’ birthday parties. She stopped watching season two of True Detective after the first episode.

well that's a sensible fucking start.
posted by philip-random at 2:43 PM on January 18, 2016 [33 favorites]


She stopped hanging out with people she didn’t actually like. She stopped going to her friends’ toddlers’ birthday parties. She stopped watching season two of True Detective after the first episode.

Good lord, hadn't she pruned that bullshit out of her life already? Who are the people who give a fuck about not watching the rest of a TV show they don't like?
posted by GrammarMoses at 2:55 PM on January 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


As they say, "I couldn’t give a fuck whether you give a fuck or not."
posted by caddis at 3:01 PM on January 18, 2016


She stopped hanging out with people she didn’t actually like. She stopped going to her friends’ toddlers’ birthday parties. She stopped watching season two of True Detective after the first episode.

This just sounds like two sensible things that almost anyone would do and one rude thing. If someone's your friend, why not go to their toddler's birthday party? Make an appearance for 10 minutes and give them a teddy bear, for Christ's sake. It's not going to ruin your life.

And I had no idea I was so bold for "not watching a TV series I don't like." Heck, I do that all the time.
posted by mmoncur at 3:10 PM on January 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


While I agree with most of the critiques above, I also, as a woman, find it incredibly freeing to hear from other people -- especially women who similarly feel trapped by all the fucks we're supposed to give all the time -- that maybe not all those fucks need to be given.
posted by spindrifter at 3:19 PM on January 18, 2016 [62 favorites]


This is sort of the opposite side of the Emotional Labor coin.
posted by Lucinda at 3:21 PM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


If I stopped giving fucks like this I would soon stop giving mortgage payments too.
posted by gottabefunky at 3:30 PM on January 18, 2016 [16 favorites]


She has a husband who has a job. She is not risking being homeless or living on unemployment insurance until it runs out. I fail to see the novelty or bravery in anything she has done. As others have noted, some of it is common sense, some just plain being rude. She was incredibly lucky or connected to get her book published; many better books by far more talented people go nowhere. Good luck to her with the next one if this is her career now.
posted by mermayd at 3:34 PM on January 18, 2016 [10 favorites]


There must be some reason so many people have given so many fucks about so much fucking stuff since the beginning of time. Why might that be? There have been a lot of really smart people who have had a lot of deep thoughts over the past 6,000 years. How is it that she's the first person in history bright enough to realize that it's not necessary to give a fuck about anything? (By the way, there's about 60 million baby boomers about to retire, after a lifetime of not giving a fuck about how they're going to pay for anything in their non-working old age. This should be fucking interesting.)
posted by Modest House at 3:43 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


I fail to see the novelty or bravery in anything she has done.
And yet, as kandinski pointed out above, it's at the heart of much of the best (& best-loved) advice on Ask.

It may not be novel and it may not be brave - but, more often than sometimes, people need to have it explicitly pointed out to them and be given explicit support to follow it.
posted by Pinback at 3:43 PM on January 18, 2016 [14 favorites]


I've stopped giving a fuck for different reasons, and it's not like I know anyone who's super rich to support me.
posted by lmfsilva at 3:47 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


What's the exchange rate between fucks and damns like these days?
posted by baf at 3:55 PM on January 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


So in a sentence, she's decided to be mindful and disciplined about the way she lives her life and reserve her time, energy, and money for the things she values most.

We in turn could all decide to not buy her book of obvious truisms in order to reserve our money for things that matter more to us, and our time for the much more worthwhile books out there that we could get from the library. I'm sure she'd be proud of us for following the example that's she set. That is, if she gave a fuck.

I'd also love to read a follow up on what her in-laws think about what she said about them, i.e., do they give a fuck about her now, or not?
posted by orange swan at 3:59 PM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


What's the exchange rate between fucks and damns like these days?

Both are tied to the international 'shit' standard…
posted by Pinback at 3:59 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


What's the exchange rate between fucks and damns like these days?

Damns have experienced hyperinflation since 1939 and are now practically worthless. It's about 800,000 damns to one fuck. It's still about 100 fucks to one flying fuck, but seeing as the flying fuck is ultimately pegged to the fuck, invest wisely.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 4:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [29 favorites]


Can't we analyse this through the lens of the emotional labour thread as a primer on withdrawing that labour?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:03 PM on January 18, 2016 [15 favorites]


Me? i turned to the Far East and learned about losing attachments.

Must be nice to have the privilege to be able to turn East. What about those of us who are stuck looking West, Or North or South? Doesn't anybody care about their predicament? And abandon attachments? What about the people who are physically attached to their furniture and appliances? Are they supposed to just amputate the arm caught in the rolltop desk? Must be nice to just walk away from stuff like that.
posted by happyroach at 4:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [15 favorites]


What's the exchange rate between fucks and damns like these days?

50 damns, same as in town.
posted by mmoncur at 4:13 PM on January 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


Sounds like the most important aspect of not giving a fuck is to write a blog post about it that ultimately turns into a book deal.
posted by rocket88 at 4:15 PM on January 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


It's about 800,000 damns to one fuck.

By not giving a damn, then, I am giving 800000 times less of a fuck than someone who merely doesn't give a fuck.
posted by sfenders at 4:16 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


[Q:] The obvious risk in not giving a fuck is becoming an asshole, because that's much easier than not giving a fuck and remaining honest and polite. How do you not give a fuck and not become an asshole?

[A:] My NotSorry method has two steps: deciding the things you don't give a fuck about and then not giving a fuck about those things. If you perform those steps with a combination of honesty and politeness, you will feel NotSorry because you will have done nothing wrong and you will have nothing to apologise for. That's the key to not becoming an asshole.


Yeah, I'm pretty happy that this is a method which can usefully be applied in parts by most people.
posted by ambrosen at 4:18 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


*ctrl+F* "eat, pr"

*cackles, writes pitch*
posted by Lyn Never at 4:30 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Make an appearance for 10 minutes and give them a teddy bear, for Christ's sake. It's not going to ruin your life.

I agree with her sentiment wholeheartedly. That party might not ruin your life, but it sure can ruin your day...and if you don't give a fuck about the people throwing the party...why go? Because you have an invite? That's not genuine, and could ruin their party.

I'm not going to the fucking party.

I feel better, and made their party one less grumpy ass person better.
posted by Benway at 4:30 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


but seeing as the flying fuck is ultimately pegged to the fuck

I see what you did there.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:33 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I did not give a fuck about that giant flowchart of hers. I've decided that I don't give a fuck about flowcharts in general, give me a venn diagrams or give me nothing at all. I don't give a fuck about how many times they say fuck in that article (35 times according to the note at the bottom)

Actually, last year I think I went WAY overboard with the not giving a fucks and I'm trying to be a way less curmudgeonie killjoy. Spreading my time around people who push and challenge me, emailing and talking to people who require the energy to talk to. Being less of an asshole in general.

"The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck (which contains the word 'fuck' 730 times* – more than The Wolf of Wall Street but less than Fuck - a Documentary on the Word) is part self-help, part parody, outlining her theories on fuck-giving, offering irreverent, insightful and truly practical advice about how best to give and not give a fuck." I definitely do not give a fuck about reading this book though.
posted by Neronomius at 4:33 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Or you can stay in the job you must keep and change your attitude about it.

Oh, fuck that. There are things that genuinely suck, and there is nothing more aggravating than having someone tell you "well, you could have a better attitude about this." Lack of money and a shitty job? Just change your attitude! Can't get a better job? Well, you could be a whole lot happier with your current job with just a lil' attitude adjustment, buddy!

What really grates on me about things like this book is that anything short of letting go is a personal failure. I mean, they don't really say that. They'll say platitudes like "we're so used to thinking this is important when it really isn't," but the effect is that you have it in your power to stop feeling so bad, and if you still feel bad it's because you haven't made the decision to change your attitude or your lifestyle or write a book or whatever.

I'm coming at this as someone who actually did say "fuck it" a long time ago, and it really sucked and backfired hard on me. I decided to take a "different path" and was actively encouraged to, but the thing is, without resources to make life comfortable, without the experience and the credentials to make it, you can bring a whole lot of pain on your future self. And you know, it was totally freeing to let go of the stuff that sucked. I really was, at first. Then bit by bit, I was held back by one thing or another until I found myself wishing I'd just bared my teeth and stuck with it until it got better.

I'm ranting about my life story, but God, things like this drive me up the wall. You can't just eat, pray, love all of life's problems away unless you've got it pretty good to begin with.
posted by teponaztli at 4:37 PM on January 18, 2016 [43 favorites]


I definitely thought the interview was a little annoyingly "I have all the money and a husband who probably works on Wall Street, so I will extol the virtues of not being overly invested, since I can afford not to worry about very much!", but I also am trying, in my own way, to embrace the not-giving-a-fuck movement. I have a pretty-low-paying job, and I give a fuck about it because I actually give a fuck about it, but I am trying really hard not to do the shit that I don't give a fuck about. For instance, I brought donuts to the potluck holiday party this year. Every year I wake up at the crack of dawn so I can cook something elaborate, go to work, race back home, pick up my elaborate dish, and take it back to the holiday party. This year I called the fancy donut place and asked them to have two dozen donuts waiting for me. Then I announced that donuts are traditional for Hannukah, which I'm pretty sure everyone thought was some bullshit that I made up even though it's totally true, and I did not have to wake up at 5:30 AM or race around to get anything ready. I used to have a reputation as a good team player who cooked for potluck things, and now I'm going to lose that reputation, and I don't give a fuck. I have noticed that the people who cook for these events are not necessarily the people who are respected and/or get promoted.

I think this is very much related to emotional labor, for what it's worth, and deciding when it is and isn't worth it to do it. And I think it's profoundly gendered. Part of my not-fuck-giving at work is paying more attention to what work is mostly done by women and not agreeing to do it just because I want to be a good girl and a nice team player.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 4:39 PM on January 18, 2016 [34 favorites]


I went through what I refer to as fuckopause, which is the losing of fucks for unreciprocated emotional labor, all aspects of performative femininity that I was never actually interested in performing, and the state of anyone's boner anywhere at any time. Those are fucks largely unrelated to my job (which is thoroughly quotidien, though I do enjoy it on a relative scale of ways I could be spending 8 hours that also allow me to pay my mortgage) or livelihood or ability to be a good friend, partner and mother, and seeing the back of them has been nothing but a steady improvement for my mental state. No need to go full Follow Your Bliss, quit your job, eat pray love nonsense. Just stop giving a fuck about shit that doesn't actually matter to you. As a woman, the relative number of fucks we're socialized to give is way way out of scale with what is realistically possible.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:44 PM on January 18, 2016 [52 favorites]


If someone's your friend, why not go to their toddler's birthday party? Make an appearance for 10 minutes and give them a teddy bear, for Christ's sake. It's not going to ruin your life.

Just a couple of weeks ago, my child had 3 birthday parties, a winter party and a friend's recital on the same day.
While that was a bit unusual, it is not at all unusual to have 2 or 3 events on a Saturday.

If you have a large social circle, and a lot of kids do these days from infant classes, preschool, regular school, sports, etc., it is simply impossible to attend all the things you are invited to.

At least not without running your kids, and by proxy yourself, ragged.
posted by madajb at 4:44 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Yeah, not terribly impressed with her DGAFitude. Let me know when she's adopted a stone age lifestyle in the Okanagan valley, become an urban nudist in Chicago, started a very profitable cult of personality among the Hollywood glitterati, or at least starts a blog demonstrating just exactly how many ways there are to literally skin a cat. This is weak sauce.
posted by 3urypteris at 5:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


There's nothing weaksauce about it. This is a fine attitude/way of life, if you can afford it. Most people cannot.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:02 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think there are two angles of not giving a fuck here. There's the "I'm not going to try to go to birthday parties that will make everyone miserable just because I'm sort of supposed to," which is great. Especially what people have already said here about how they're not going to care about the bullshit women are expected to care about. That's fantastic.

Then there's the "I'm not going to be in the rat race and I'll just Do what I Love for the rest of my life," which is... more problematic. It's all lumped together as not giving a fuck, but there's a difference between the two. The former is a totally reasonable attitude change, but the latter is a total lifestyle change that not everyone can, or should be expected to, pull off.
posted by teponaztli at 5:08 PM on January 18, 2016 [20 favorites]


Incidentally, the job that she quit sounds pretty amazing, and I could see how you'd have to develop a thick skin not to be annoyed by jealous friends who were stunned that you gave that up.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:11 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


This might be considered brilliant if the Marquis de Sade hadn't already invented egoism in the 18th century, or if Brett Easton Ellis hadn't updated the idea so thoroughly in American Psycho. Or is she so stupid she doesn't realize that's where the whole not giving a fuck thing eventually leads if you take it to the end of the road?

Yes a lot of us give fucks we should keep back but moderation in all things. It's not strictly privilege but Colin Wilson pointed out that nearly all of Sade's heroes are either wealthy people who can do whatever they want or criminals who live on the margins and can get by because they take what they need outside of societal rules -- and of course, in the modern sendup, Patrick Bateman is both rich and a criminal.

While she is reinventing 18th century philosophy she might want to consider what the world would look like if everyone stopped giving any fucks all at the same time. Immanuel Kant is the one who figured that one out.
posted by Bringer Tom at 5:11 PM on January 18, 2016 [16 favorites]


mmoncur: If someone's your friend, why not go to their toddler's birthday party? Make an appearance for 10 minutes and give them a teddy bear, for Christ's sake. It's not going to ruin your life.

There's so many good reasons not to go. But, here's probably the best one - if someone created a fun, happy event and invited you, they wanted to make you happy, not stick you with a chore. If going would make you less happy, they wouldn't want you there - at least, not if they're really your friend.

Also, 10 minute appearances do ruin your ability to do things you love. It breaks up your schedule and ruins any chance you had to do something big that evening. It also encourages people to keep doing stupid events nobody likes - nobody but the parents wants to go to a toddler's birthday party, so by inviting they're sticking you with emotional volunteer work. Fuck that.
posted by Mitrovarr at 5:17 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Someone needs to start a betting pool on the Blue for each post and how long it will take for the P Word to be invoked.

wow, it sounds like this concept thing must be really applicable to a lot of social type things
posted by threeants at 5:33 PM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


I watched all of season 2 of True Detective. I am scum.
posted by Brocktoon at 5:40 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I hear and mostly agree with every one of your criticisms (privilege indeed), but I'm going to walk away from this article with a new tool -- the fuck budget. It's actually a really useful concept for a person who cares too much, about everything, which leads to anxiety and paralysis and never speaking up for (or actually even thinking about) what's best for YOU.

I'm not going to buy her book or anything, but I'm going to go back to work tomorrow with a very clear fuck budget in my head. I'm going to give my fucks out sparingly and only for things that really, actually matter. If I do it right, I'm going to leave work at the end of the day with a couple of spare fucks to give that I can spend at home.

I think this is actually going to improve my life a whole hell of a lot.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:58 PM on January 18, 2016 [26 favorites]


Thank god now I have an excuse to stop watching Bosch.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


One of these days we, as a communicating species, will figure out how to discuss the potentials available in the middle ground without retreating to the imagined safety of our comfortable extremes…

For example, it is possible to give plenty of fucks about where your next meal is coming from or how you're going to live in retirement, while not giving a fuck about hanging out with people you don't like. It doesn't have to be completely "oh my god, I have to care about absolutely everything or my friends/family/job/the world will measure & fail me" or "fuck everything, everyone else will carry my slack".

Taking just a little of the 'give a fuck' weight off your life - by, say, saying "fuck it, let's not" to things that have been drummed into you as being 'obligations' when they're not (like 'finish what you started, even if it's a TV show that's turned to crap') - can make a hell of a difference to your emotional well-being that's totally out of proportion to the slight fuck not given.
posted by Pinback at 6:15 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thank god now I have an excuse to stop watching Bosch.

Funny - for all that it's every stereotyped cop-show cliché ever shat out by Hollywood & TV rolled into one show, I thought it put it all together rather well…
posted by Pinback at 6:19 PM on January 18, 2016


I tried not giving a fuck in my twenties working at a $20k a year job. My boss said quit slacking and get the fuck back to work. I realized that I liked having a small apartment, car and food, so I took my boss's advice.
Generally, I'd say not giving a fuck would lead to career suicide rather than success about 99% of the time.
posted by Muncle at 6:25 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I get it. Yeah, must be nice not to have to worry about money, but I think that's only 5% of what she's saying. The rest is prioritizing yourself and doing only what you want to do.

Could I get away with dipping out of conference calls? It depends on where I am in the pecking order. If I'm taking the notes, probably not, but if I'm ancillary to the process, I can acknowledge that if someone else is taking notes, that I don't need to be there.

There is a lot of stuff that's more social in the workplace and that's where I choose not to go. Drinks on the company after work with the managers, sure, why not? Drinks out with the other analysts who are 20 years younger than I am? Nah.

Taking up a collection for birthday cake. HELL NO! Eating birthday cake? Yes!

You pick your battles.

But how much stuff do you do in your life out of obligation, not because you actually want to? THAT'S the interesting discussion.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:34 PM on January 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


I feel like the only way to give no fucks is to start early in life. Set up a minimum viable product of living and go from there. Otherwise yeah be rich.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 6:56 PM on January 18, 2016


It's quite possible to choose to not give a fuck about specific things in your life. I, for many years did not give a fuck about my jobs. I also worked huge amounts of unskilled labor. It also turns out that you can decide not to give a fuck about your high paying job and walk away. For many of us, however, there is fallout. In my case, walking away from the job meant walking away from my marriage, because I couldn't be the only person making money anymore, and my wife had serious problems of her own to contend with. I would probably make the same decision today but I now know the price. I am happier without the job. I'm not so sure I'm happier without the wife. Well I accidentally fell into a work position I'm pretty happy with, and I've been single a good long time, that's because I'm a selfish prick, and I know it.
posted by evilDoug at 7:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's really the case that looking out for number one, which we've been told as a society is selfish and that selfishness is a bad thing, actually puts you in a healthier frame of mind and makes you a better person to be around.

Is there something sort of Randian about what she's proposing? Not on the whole, and not in the sense of letting go of some things, but in the way she, specifically, is presenting it.

Like, I get that we sometimes do things we don't want to do with people we don't like. But I always thought of society as giving in to something, and being a part of something larger than myself. Like, I do a lot of things not just because I want people to like me, but because I want to be in a world where people do stuff for each other.

It seems kind of crazy to me to have steps where you work your way from not caring about inanimate objects to not caring about what friends and family think. I mean, I really, really don't like funerals. But I went to a family member's funeral just because it would mean supporting the rest of my family. I don't know if something like that would be an exception to her do-what-thou-wilst rule, or if I'm just codependent or something (probably). But for real, there have been times that people have said "I know you didn't want to be here but I appreciate your presence," or something along those lines.

My relationship would suck if we only did what I want to do. I'd never see family if we only did it on my terms. I mean, I know I'm taking this to something of a logical extreme, but I just feel kind of weird about embracing an ideology that's centered around doing only the stuff you want to do.

I'm not trying to say she's all wrong, but - I don't know, maybe I just don't get it.
posted by teponaztli at 7:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [15 favorites]


...I may also just be having a hard time getting it because I'm coming at it from a place of having mental health issues. Pretty much everything in life is something I don't want to do, and maybe other people can relate to that.

I don't know what to make of "stop doing stuff you don't want to do with people you don't like," because on any given day I may not want to do anything, and I may not like anyone. If I stopped doing stuff I didn't feel like doing, I'd probably stop functioning altogether.

I'll step back from this conversation, because I think I may just not be the audience she has in mind.
posted by teponaztli at 7:48 PM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


Is there something sort of Randian about what she's proposing?

Well duh, Ayn Rand is another person who reinvented de Sade, but the OP does a better job of it than Rand did.
posted by Bringer Tom at 7:58 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Feeling entitled to not give a fuck about anyone or anything because you find it inconvenient, unpleasant or annoying is your privilege, I guess, but a lot of worthwhile shit (sense of community, social interaction, activism, creativity, friendship, etc) comes from actually giving a fuck. Self-care is important, and I totally get the whole "put on your own oxygen mask first" metaphor, but a lot of this rubs me the same wrong way as the whole "I deserve to be selfish" camp.
posted by thivaia at 8:05 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


[Q:] The obvious risk in not giving a fuck is becoming an asshole, because that's much easier than not giving a fuck and remaining honest and polite. How do you not give a fuck and not become an asshole?

[A:] My NotSorry method has two steps: deciding the things you don't give a fuck about and then not giving a fuck about those things. If you perform those steps with a combination of honesty and politeness, you will feel NotSorry because you will have done nothing wrong and you will have nothing to apologise for. That's the key to not becoming an asshole.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy that this is a method which can usefully be applied in parts by most people.


The thing is, I fundamentally disagree with the idea that you can choose not to care about things that are important to other people, and as long as you're honest and polite about it, you can not care about those things without being an asshole. Because there are some things that, if you want to not be an asshole, require a higher level of engagement than politely not caring.

For example, several of my very best friends have kids. I'm pretty lukewarm about kids. But I do like my friends, and I do give a fuck about my friends. So I can't simply say to my friends, I have chosen not to give a fuck about anyone's kids, because that's basically the same thing as saying that I don't give a fuck about an important chunk of my closest friends' lives. Similarly, I have to go to loved ones' funerals, even if I don't give a fuck about funerals, because I care about the other people who are grieving and not supporting people you care about during the hardest times of their lives makes you an asshole. I can't tell my friend who just beat cancer that I don't give a fuck about cancer and so I don't want to hear her talk about it anymore, because that would make me a huge asshole. Part of caring about other people is caring about things that matter to them, or at least investing enough emotionally in those things that you get to remain engaged with the people you care about.

I also think there's a real danger here of people choosing not to give a fuck about things that don't personally affect them, but that have serious effects on the world at large, including billions of people you'll never meet, but who nevertheless deserve to have someone give a fuck about them. And not caring about anything that doesn't affect you personally makes you an asshole. I'm not saying you have to be deeply emotionally invested in every major problem of our time, but I'm saying that in order to not be an asshole, you have to be making a real contribution in, or at least caring about, at least a few things that contribute to the well-being of the world at large.

I think that in order not to be an asshole, you have to choose to care about at least, let's say, any two issues off of a pretty long list of things that are important even if they don't directly impact your day-to-day life, including but not limited to: poor people, curing deadly diseases, good governance (whatever that means to you), scientific discovery, racism, sexism, the arts, civil liberties, other people's children, the elderly, education, the natural environment, economic opportunity for others (whatever that means to you), human spirituality (again, whatever that means to you), other people's cultures, other people's living conditions, community, economic growth, or making the world a more beautiful place. You can add your own pet issues if they're not on this list. But the point is that you have to give a fuck about at least a few things that don't directly make your life better or more pleasant on a day-to-day basis. And if you don't, you're an asshole, no matter how polite you are about not giving a fuck.

If the message here is that we should be more selective about where we put our energy, because we have a limited amount of it and we should focus it on things that matter to us rather than giving it out indiscriminately to everyone who asks, I think that's a great message. But if the message is that it's okay not to exert any effort about anything that doesn't immediately excite you, no matter how important it is to other people, then yeah, I think following that message will make you an asshole.
posted by decathecting at 8:20 PM on January 18, 2016 [22 favorites]


I don't know, it hit for me, because we had not one but two family members call over the weekend seeking legal advice. The first we are happy to provide because we love this person and while dealing with their shit they should have already dealt with is annoying, they find it stressful and need someone they trust (us) to help. So I do give the necessary fucks to help this person and I will do so cheerfully despite the fact that I'd kind of rather not.

The other caller is a distant relative i haven't seen in years, with a big crazy ass dramatic legal mess that they would like to dump in our laps rather than paying for a "real lawyer" to solve these batshit problems they created for themselves. And basically they are trading on their distant family connection to get free work from me, and I give ZERO FUCKS about their shit. (Unfortunately, I think my husband, who is nicer than me when imposed on, is going to help, and spend months super stressed from dealing with their drama, because he does give a fuck that they like him whereas I am like "you turn up when you need money or lawyers, I am fresh out of fucks.")

In both cases it is a hassle for me, but in one situation I give enough fucks to be willing to put up with the hassle. In the other, nope, I have no fucks for them and I will not feel guilty about it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:38 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


The stuff she's actually saying is stuff I wish more people would know about and accept.

It really depends on the kind of person you are. For me, I was so concerned with what other people thought to the detriment of what I wanted and I think that we as people just put way too much stock in other people's opinions. As I say in the book, you can't control what someone else thinks of you.

You know how many times a day I want to grab someone in AskMe by the shoulders and shake them vigorously until they stop giving so many fucks about unkind people they don't like? I don't see anywhere in here where she's advocating treating other people unkindly or unfairly.

It's really the case that looking out for number one, which we've been told as a society is selfish and that selfishness is a bad thing, actually puts you in a healthier frame of mind and makes you a better person to be around.

This is aimed at young women like me and herself who have never been told that this is an okay thing to do.

So yeah she had a tremendous amount of privilege and good luck to be able to say "LATER, SUCKAS" to her job she didn't like and make money in her pajamas. Not everyone can do that or be successful at it. But I think if just one person is reached by this message, she's putting her good luck to good use.
posted by bleep at 8:54 PM on January 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


If she's this fucking satisfied with her fucking life, then she doesn't fucking need me to buy her fucking book. Besides, she has nothing to fucking teach me on not having any spare fucks.

Learn from the master, boys... learn from the fucking master!
posted by markkraft at 8:55 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


decathecting: For example, several of my very best friends have kids. I'm pretty lukewarm about kids. But I do like my friends, and I do give a fuck about my friends. So I can't simply say to my friends, I have chosen not to give a fuck about anyone's kids, because that's basically the same thing as saying that I don't give a fuck about an important chunk of my closest friends' lives.

But that's ok - you don't have to care about everything they do! So, I'm an amateur astronomer. I spend a lot of time on it, have a lot of telescopes, etc. It's not as important to me as someone's kids are to them, but it's pretty important. I have 12 telescopes (no, seriously, although none are that amazing) and I spend a lot of time on it. I was an astrophysics major for a while.

My best friend has expressed that he doesn't care about it and doesn't want to go with me. And that's totally fine! We can still do other things together, and I don't hold it against him. I'd rather he tell me that so we can do something else, than go along and be unhappy while technically participating. Not everyone is interested in everything, and it's better to empathize and just deal with that than try to shoehorn it in.

And people with kids, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your friends probably don't have much interest in them. If they have leukemia or something and you need emotional support or something, then you can drag them along. Otherwise, it's not nice to subject them to things that they will almost certainly not want to do.
posted by Mitrovarr at 8:55 PM on January 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


"This is aimed at young women like me and herself who have never been told that this is an okay thing to do."

This is sad, and yet very fucking believable. There are lots of incredible women who need to have permission to give a few fucks less.

Makes me think of this...
posted by markkraft at 9:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Mixed on this. I mean, I have a lot of demands on my attention that actually are really important, including a job that I need the money from, and family members who I actually care about who are in constant crisis mode. I can't just walk away from the big stuff.

Little stuff, though, like reading the news every day and getting stressed out, and trying to make my food from scratch every day... eh, it's probably not worth it.

And she's totally right about conference calls. I have probably skipped 500 conference calls and I have NEVER had my boss say "hey, why weren't you on that conference call." So she's not all wrong.
posted by miyabo at 9:03 PM on January 18, 2016


She's not saying everyone should abandon their lives and go live as hermits. She's not saying give zero fucks about anything at any time. If you care about your family and friends there's nothing here that says you shouldn't demonstrate that. Just that you will have more time to do so if you let go of that stuff you really don't care about.
posted by bleep at 9:08 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


SO EDGY
posted by modernnomad at 9:20 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I like the fuck budget. I know I'm giving much less of a crap about certain things at work any more because the rest of the job is sucking my energy dry and I just don't have extra for shit. When someone at work wails, "But whyyyyyyy isn't this working?" I no longer give a shit why it's not working. I will just fix it or compensate around it like a missing stair or whatever. "But whyyyy is so-and-so doing that?" BECAUSE THEY CAN, THAT'S WHY. I give up, I give in, whatever. I don't got the energy for this no more. You just stop. caring.

"I'm coming at this as someone who actually did say "fuck it" a long time ago, and it really sucked and backfired hard on me. I decided to take a "different path" and was actively encouraged to, but the thing is, without resources to make life comfortable, without the experience and the credentials to make it, you can bring a whole lot of pain on your future self. And you know, it was totally freeing to let go of the stuff that sucked. I really was, at first. Then bit by bit, I was held back by one thing or another until I found myself wishing I'd just bared my teeth and stuck with it until it got better."

This is why I get annoyed at people who are all, "But seriously, you could just leave, drop everything and move to Hawaii" or whatever, like it's an actual reasonable option you could take and thus important. Almost all of us really can't take that option. Also, once upon a time I heard about a fellow who did literally walk out on his home/girlfriend/job/life and move to Hawaii. Last I heard he was homeless and desperate, so that move worked out great! Most of us can't just throw everything away and leave, especially without a secure base like oh, a rich husband.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:27 PM on January 18, 2016


Interesting to note that to be a fussbudget is to have a huge fuckbudget.

Reading that sentence put getting a fudgebucket onto my fuckbudget.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:01 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Autostraddle: This Is How We Live, No Fucks To Give - written by a queer woman of color who presumably didn't have a high-paying job when this was written.
posted by divabat at 11:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Must be nice to live a life where you don't have to give a fuck about money.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:38 PM on January 18, 2016


The writer has nothing on the Siberian hermit, who didn't give a flying fuck isolated in the wilderness most of her life; until she did from leg pain.
posted by locidot at 11:58 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I definitely think it's helpful to differentiate emotional labor fucks from actual responsibility fucks and I can understand how her place of privilege makes her conflate the two and yeah it's problematic. But I like that this is a conversation to be had and that I am reading about it and thinking about it and forming my own opinion of it.

And my opinion of it is that although I wish I could very sincerely think "well that's nice good for her" my problem is that she is very pointedly presenting this as a solution for the reader rather than owning her experience and acknowledging it's a personal journey.

If instead of "How to stop spending time you don’t have doing things you don’t want to do with people you don’t like", I think it would go down better if it was titled "How I stopped spending time I didn't have doing things I didn't want to do with people I didn't like". But then I guess it wouldn't stir up as much 'buzz' for her book tour.
posted by like_neon at 1:40 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


my problem is that she is very pointedly presenting this as a solution for the reader

probably a necessary condition of her book contract.

I find the article and idea of the book obnoxious. Shark Jumping with the edgy and empowered. Bleah.
posted by frumiousb at 1:49 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Mitrovarr: "nobody but the parents wants to go to a toddler's birthday party"
Mitrovarr: "And people with kids, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your friends probably don't have much interest in them."
We get it, you hate kids.

I love going to my friends' kids birthday parties. Heck, I love my friends' kids - if you take a couple of people you really like and enjoy hanging out with, chances are that splicing their DNA results in another cool little person you'll enjoy hanging out with. (That's the general "you", not Mitrovarr-you.)
posted by brokkr at 2:44 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Seriously, there are people I am friends with mostly because I like their kids.
posted by the bricabrac man at 3:23 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Things to always give fucks about: food, shelter, health, hygiene, money, safety
Things to sometimes give fucks about: getting along with coworkers, replacing your shoes when they get holes, moving the couch to vacuum and retrieve all the missing cat toys
Things to never give fucks about: fashion, toddler birthday parties, Internet comment sections, that dude who parks on your grass a little

Maslow's hierarchy of fucks.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:48 AM on January 19, 2016 [8 favorites]


And people with kids, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your friends probably don't have much interest in them.

It's funny, but there are certain childfree adults who seem to give way more fucks about kids than most parents. Not the important kind of fucks, like keeping children fed and clothed and out of danger, but the screaming-baby-in-public, boogers-on-my-sweater, how-does-this-affect-me kind of fucks.

Anyone who thinks it's kind of cool that I managed to keep a kid alive for another year and who wants free Wegmans cake will be invited to my toddler birthday parties, if I ever get enough fucks together to host one. Anyone who really cares about how much they don't care about kids is excused.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:19 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's funny how the schtick of saying "giving fucks" all the time starts out as amusing but quickly becomes tiresome
posted by thelonius at 4:25 AM on January 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


tl;dr;dgaf
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:27 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Oh for crying out loud. All those bloody US-centric conversions. I notice none of you privileged fuckers mentioned the exchange rate for Rat's Arses.

Won't somebody think of the Australians ?
posted by taff at 5:52 AM on January 19, 2016 [5 favorites]


I don't give a monkey's about the Australians...
posted by trif at 6:19 AM on January 19, 2016


This article reminded me of that scene in The Aviator where Howard Hughes is talking with Katherine Hepburn's extremely wealthy family and she says "We don't care about money here."
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:53 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


I don't get the kid hate. Kids are people, all people are different, ergo all kids are different. Some kids are a joy to be around. Others are insufferable. Every one of them is extremely important to their parents, and if their parents are your friends, I would hope your decision matrix when deciding whether or not to attend little Madison's birthday bash consists of more than "KIDS? NOPE!" since that translates to "F U 'FRIEND' WHY U BREED."
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:56 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


"As they say, "I couldn’t give a fuck whether you give a fuck or not."

The fractal (Frucktal?) nature of giving a fuck.
posted by JohnFromGR at 7:03 AM on January 19, 2016


I don't have kids, but I don't remember any of my parents' friends attending my birthday parties when I was a kid; only my friends and relatives. Aside from first birthday parties, which I am led to understand are a bit of a different beast, I have never received an invite to my friends' kids' birthday parties.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:37 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


All fine and dandy, but the idea that reducing "mental clutter" and "not giving a fuck" is something that will inevitably result in making you "happy" is an open question. What if you declutter yourself down to minimalist nothing and eliminate everything and everyone there is to give a fuck about and yet realize that you're still not happy at the end of it, just numb?

Some of this also comes with age. It's really hard to give a fuck about much of anything once you hit a certain point and realize how litte time left you have to actually give a fuck about anything or anyone or, on the flip side, for anyone to give a fuck about you.
posted by blucevalo at 8:05 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


I thought a fuckbudget was an overly fastidious and/or neurotic casual sexual partner, i.e., a fuckbuddy who is also a fussbudget.
posted by acb at 9:15 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


All of this 'no fucks to give' really annoys me. Maybe I need to stop giving a fuck about it?
posted by Splunge at 9:23 AM on January 19, 2016


I didn't see any kid hate. Stop the derail, please?
posted by agregoli at 10:06 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


baf: "What's the exchange rate between fucks and damns like these days?"

"Having behind us the producing masses of this nation and the world, supported by the commercial interests, the laboring interests, and the toilers everywhere, we will answer their demand for a fucks standard by saying to them: You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns; you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of fucks."
posted by chavenet at 10:18 AM on January 19, 2016


I just remember an awful lot of people in the famous emotional labor thread saying "Why don't women just try not giving a fuck?" Now it's "How dare a woman advocate not giving a fuck!"
posted by bleep at 10:31 AM on January 19, 2016 [14 favorites]


Forget Bitcoins, forget whuffie... the fuck should be our new currency.
posted by markkraft at 10:34 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


I don't get the kid hate.

is it kid hate, or is it bemusement with regard to required attendance at their birthday parties? I'm with The Card Cheat -- I have no memory of this being a thing when I was a kid. You'd get dropped off at Scotty's place, you'd romp around, eat cake or whatever for an hour or three, you'd get picked up. Your parents didn't stick around. Nor were other non-related-to-Scotty adults noticed, except maybe one other mom who was helping contain the madness.

It seems that the culture has changed some since the 1960s -- to the pain of many. Maybe that's something we need to take a look at.

I do think there's something to be said for observing a child's first birthday, because that's been a hell of a year for the parents, and the child's certainly not going to remember it. Why not help celebrate such a parental milestone.
posted by philip-random at 10:48 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Philip, I do not get the parents at kid birthday parties either, my oldest son was born in 1980 and birthday parties were still as you describe, with the exception of one mom who invited me and one other close friend to come and stay with the kids. Parties for very young children were generally just for close relatives. Once the kids were around 4 or so it was a herd of friends up until high school. But then we let kids go out by themselves with their friends every day after school, and did not worry unless they did not come home for dinner, which never happened.
posted by mermayd at 10:57 AM on January 19, 2016


I like how she applies the principle of enlightened self-interest (you'll be a better mom/wife/worker if you conserve your fucks!) just in case seeing a woman prioritizing her own happiness causes all our heads to explode.
posted by 912 Greens at 11:11 AM on January 19, 2016


Mod note: People have different views of kid birthday parties, maybe let's leave it at that rather than getting further wrapped in a sidebar over whether anybody's doing it wrong in that department.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:21 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


The beginning of this piece sounds a little like me two years ago, except it was a mid-level IT job, and I don't have a wealthy spouse. Turns out no longer giving a fuck was the start of a spiral into suicidal depression. Facing financial ruin when finding another job or enough freelance work seemed impossible didn't help things along. Medication increased my fuck-budget.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:25 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


[expletive deleted], that's a good point.
posted by tivalasvegas at 11:46 AM on January 19, 2016


I think Soren_Lorenson has it totally right: "Just stop giving a fuck about shit that doesn't actually matter to you. "

If your job matters to you (you're not privileged enough to do without the income) then you need to give a fuck about it. The rest of the things that don't matter to you? Those you could stop giving a fuck about. Your loved ones' well-being matters to you? You should give a fuck about that. Don't care how spotless your house is? That you can stop giving a fuck about. Or not. It's about what matters to you.
posted by kaymac at 12:02 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


this is true. The Age of Conformity was over half a century ago.
posted by philip-random at 12:21 PM on January 19, 2016


"nobody but the parents wants to go to a toddler's birthday party"

This is just plain not true. We're going to one this weekend for my nephew and expect it will be a blast, my nephew is hilarious. I do think that it can in that category of events that are as enjoyable as you decide they are going to be. If you decide that it's a chore and you have some kind of obligation to go, it will feel like a chore. But if you decide that you're going to go and have fun, it will be fun.

So I guess it's like, about giving fucks about the right aspects of whatever thing you're going to. And then also not being afraid to politely stop giving any fucks and go home early (or even showing up late I suppose).
posted by VTX at 5:54 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


The last time I went to a one year old's birthday, we all just sat there watching the baby smash cake. We ate. The baby was monopolized by his mother, father, grandparents and aunts. I don't think I got near the kid until the last two minutes before I left. So...yeah, I guess I don't get what the point is when the kid is not super ambulatory/fun to play with yet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:33 PM on January 19, 2016


jenfullmoon: "So...yeah, I guess I don't get what the point is when the kid is not super ambulatory/fun to play with yet."

In my house we throw cocktail parties in the backyard (so other people can bring their kids), don't tell anyone it's a birthday party, and just bring out the cake at some point and sing. The adults all sit around and drink, the kids run around being crazy in the back, we don't end up with a bazillion toys that won't fit in our house, and we still get all the birthday party pictures! Plus everyone gets surprise cake.

The super-key point is that you make it a surprise party for everyone BUT the birthday child, or else they'll try to bring presents, and you have to avoid that at all costs. Alcohol is key point #2.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:56 PM on January 19, 2016 [8 favorites]


I just remember an awful lot of people in the famous emotional labor thread saying "Why don't women just try not giving a fuck?" Now it's "How dare a woman advocate not giving a fuck!"

Yeah, but this goes beyond emotional labor and social obligations, and into the class and relative wealth of someone who could decide to give up a career because she didn't care for it.
posted by teponaztli at 7:04 PM on January 19, 2016


...it's not that she's wrong to do it, but it's sort of presented as an "I could do it, you can too!" kind of thing, and I think that's what people are picking up on and getting resentful about.
posted by teponaztli at 7:08 PM on January 19, 2016


Eyebrows McGee: In my house we throw cocktail parties in the backyard (so other people can bring their kids), don't tell anyone it's a birthday party, and just bring out the cake at some point and sing. The adults all sit around and drink, the kids run around being crazy in the back, we don't end up with a bazillion toys that won't fit in our house, and we still get all the birthday party pictures! Plus everyone gets surprise cake.

The super-key point is that you make it a surprise party for everyone BUT the birthday child, or else they'll try to bring presents, and you have to avoid that at all costs. Alcohol is key point #2.


Sure, that works better on two levels. You're trying to ensure most people can enjoy themselves, which means it's much more considerate, and people won't as bad about turning down a cocktail party so it won't make people drop activities they really wanted to do if they conflict.
posted by Mitrovarr at 7:17 PM on January 19, 2016


Except nowhere in tfa did she actually say or imply anyone can go quit their job and it'll be fine. She's saying her job wasn't working for her, she saw a way out, and she didn't care what any body thought. If her book actually is encouraging everyone to quit their jobs, I'll stand corrected. If people are mad because it's yet another "I followed my dream AND got a lucrative book deal out of it" fine but that's not what she's actually saying everyone should go do. I just want people to be judged for what they're actually saying.
posted by bleep at 7:38 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


I don't know, maybe we read the article really differently. I definitely got that sense from the framing if not the interview itself, but that could just be me. Anyway, I only responded to you because it seems unfair to frame bitterness about how easily she could leave her career as an unwillingness to accept a woman giving up emotional labor. Maybe I got a little on the defensive because I felt implicated in that, and I've tried to be clear about the distinctions between the different things she's advocating under the larger umbrella that she calls not giving a fuck - some of which are great, and some less so.
posted by teponaztli at 8:10 PM on January 19, 2016


There you go. Not givin' a fuck when it ain't your turn to not give a fuck.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:29 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Relevant to this conversation, perhaps, is Jon Lajoie's song "Fuck Everything," in which the singer explores at some length the number of fucks he gives.
posted by The Outsider at 3:33 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


...and learned about losing attachments.

Same here. Some of those treachery cards in the The Voice of Isengard for the Lord of the Rings LCG are real ball-busters.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:20 PM on January 20, 2016


Just another data point here. I found the article interesting and slightly annoying for many reasons stated above. I'm reading the book (almost finished) and it is awesome. It's really well-balanced and thorough, taking you from the why and what for about not giving fucks to the how to do it without being an asshole. In between are all sorts of exercises and examples that are extremely simple, practical, and helpful.

For Knight, this assessment of her time and energy culminated in her leaving her job and writing the book, but that's not the outcome she is prescribing for others (and she is very explicit about this). Whether we like to admit it or not, every one of us has demands on our time and energy that if we stopped to think about we might find are unnecessary obligations or simply not a good use of our headspace. She provides a method for dealing with that. ymmv.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:45 AM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


« Older Space X nails it, except for this one part   |   Early Modern English Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments