"I encourage you to rethink all the things you were taught not to do..."

January 19, 2016 9:31 AM

Advice on Picking a Man to Marry, From a Gay Woman Who Was Divorced by Age 30.

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posted by magstheaxe (17 comments total)

Is this just a collection of some person's tweets?
posted by Sangermaine at 9:36 AM on January 19

Yes.

I am not condoning the format, but that's what it is.
posted by timdiggerm at 9:42 AM on January 19

Holy shit, what a load of nonsense.
posted by Keith Talent at 9:42 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]

Yeah, that's what Storify is.
posted by rhizome at 9:42 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]

I think it's a great and thought-provoking set of tweets. I wonder if anyone young enough to benefit from the advice has the life experience to value it, though.
posted by muddgirl at 9:43 AM on January 19 [6 favorites]

These are uncomfortable and, so help me, utterly necessary.
posted by Sokka shot first at 9:46 AM on January 19

They're necessary, but they're buried in a lot of question-begging distractions.
posted by rhizome at 9:50 AM on January 19

Holy shit, what a load of nonsense.
Would you be a bit more clear about what is nonsense and perhaps why it is nonsense? I see quite a bit of really good advice for young women that I'm going to hopefully get my daughter to follow.
posted by mfu at 9:51 AM on January 19 [4 favorites]

Now that Storify is a thing, people know that their 140-character-at-a-time thoughts can easily be assembled into an overall narrative. It allows people to make long statements while simultaneously allowing other people to comment on and highlight specific points and aspects without getting lost in a crowd of other people commenting on the entirety of the statement or other tangential specific points.

So yes, it's just a collection of some person's tweets. Just like a transcript is just a collection of some person's spoken sentences.
posted by Etrigan at 9:51 AM on January 19 [6 favorites]

This feels like some decent life advice (know your worth) surrounded with a whole lot of bitterness about the fact that she chose such a terrible husband.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:51 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]

ha ha apparently I'm such a dude

I just bought bowls for the first time a+ for me

and it is true that I do not care about my guests

anyway this is both interesting and kinda like, idk, very stereotype-y
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 9:52 AM on January 19 [1 favorite]

This feels like some decent life advice (know your worth) surrounded with a whole lot of bitterness about the fact that she chose such a terrible husband.

If her bitterness helps anyone else not choose such a terrible husband, then it'll be worth it.
posted by Etrigan at 9:52 AM on January 19 [3 favorites]

I actually frequently give younger women the advice not to marry with the idea that they are not going to be a "typical" wife. In fact, I discuss how seriously people take your role as a wife, and how people consider it a social role, not a marital role.

There are also some issues here where there are guys who don't do these things, but I don't actually want them to do these things.

I think, that rather than having an arbitrary set of standards for what you consider to be adult or appropriate, NOT assuming that a guy is great just because he's a guy and willing to be with you, is the most important lesson.

So often I see women who don't realize that "a guy who is into me" is not an obligation or some kind of amaaaaaazing asset that they need to hold onto at all costs. It can be nice but it's the baseline.

Also, being/living alone is great I love it a +100%. But women also need to make sure that they have the economic capability to be alone. That is why, despite the issues with books like Lean In, I appreciate the message.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 9:58 AM on January 19 [1 favorite]

Base Rate Fallacy

also as an aside, I once shared a brunch table with the author. I had no idea she held such a low opinion of a group a self-identify with, but perhaps it does explain why the conversation went so poorly -- a fact I had attributed at the time to the raging narcissist at the head of the table.

In summary, I need better dining partners.
posted by turbowombat at 9:58 AM on January 19

Half of the point of her tweets is that women are socialized to expect these things as normal which is why they/we end up "choosing terrible husbands". The point of tweets is to make women aware of the water they're swimming in so they can be better prepared not to drown in it.
posted by misskaz at 9:59 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]

Although, ironically, I don't think that getting married is the issue at all. I think having a relationship with someone where you live together, split finances, put them through school, and do all the work without getting married is just as bad as being married. In fact, it might be worse, because you're not going to get much out of it when you split up, where at least if you put your spouse through school, you have some claim to their future earnings, no matter how precarious that might end up being in the real world.

The big thing is who you have children with. It can be relatively easy to untangle a marriage as long as there aren't children involved. But you cannot untangle a child.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:00 AM on January 19

"You bring more value to a relationship than 99% of men,"

Thats horseshit. Someone encouraging women to appreciate their own value as human beings and not settle for terrible treatment? Sounds like great advice for anyone in a relationship!

Stating categorically that 99% percent of men bring less to a relationship than a woman does? That just a weak click bait type baseless statement. It just sounds petty and mean spirited. :/
posted by blackfly at 10:00 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]