Planet Corduroy
January 21, 2016 9:16 AM   Subscribe

Bomb threats, breakdowns and bongs: the life of a university security guard

The Guardian's regular column, Academics Anonymous, recently featured a submission from a university security guard.

But on the day we got the bomb threats, just before the 2012 Olympics, the security manager took action. He used to be a celebrity bodyguard, he told us, a close-protection security specialist. He was 5ft 4in in boots.

“Get out and look for devices.”

It turned out no one knew what a device looked like. Yorkie had one land on him when he was in the Falklands, but he was hazy, so our only points of reference were what we’d seen in The Hurt Locker, or Danger Mouse. To this day, I still think it was our boss who sent the email.


Other essays in the series can be found here.
posted by orrnyereg (10 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oh I have so many more questions for this person!
posted by Wretch729 at 9:34 AM on January 21, 2016


FTFA:
...the university’s de facto bomb squad, mental health service, litter pickers, ceremonial mace bearers, first aid service, goldfish feeders and bulb-changers,…
I feel ya, Officer. :7)

We toured one of my town's fire stations recently, and the Captain said, "Basically, anything in town that's not a crime in progress or a…a crime in progress, we get. Cats in trees, flooded basements, whatever." Sounds a lot like these poor people.

(And thank you for this, orrnyereg. Now that "Blood, Sweat, and Tea" is long gone, this will will be a fun new series to explore!)
posted by wenestvedt at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2016


Bonus points for danger mouse reference.
posted by chapps at 10:28 AM on January 21, 2016


Did the head of music get away with it?
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Americans might not be familiar with UK university living, so it's worth explaining that many residence halls there have an on-site night porter. They don't literally guard the door, but are like a senior RA.

When I spent time studying at the University of Reading, in St. George's Hall we had an affable gent who single-handedly worked the small bar in the Junior Common Room [common room on the ground floor], and then closed it up and went to watch TV in his rooms. (Or "room," I have no idea.) Gordon, I believe his name was, and I think he was a Scotsman.

He never delivered any academic advice, but was a positive, older person in the young students' life: it was like having a bachelor uncle or the wise neighborhood barkeeper living in your basement. (And I half wish there was someone like that living with me today...)
posted by wenestvedt at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Back when I went to my (small, liberal arts) college, I really wanted to make a webseries about the security officers at a small liberal arts college - I pictured it as basically Parks and Rec, but with more golf carts and drunk millenials.

TBH I still really wanna make it.
posted by Itaxpica at 10:40 AM on January 21, 2016


Americans might not be familiar with UK university living, so it's worth explaining that many residence halls there have an on-site night porter. They don't literally guard the door, but are like a senior RA.

Some American universities do as well; I know because for my first semester Freshman year, I actually held that very job on the Friday-to-Saturday-night graveyard shift in my dorm. I'd show up at the front desk at about 10:30 Friday nights, and clock off at 7 am on Saturdays. In between, I'd deal with people collecting mail, lost keys, lockouts, people on hunt for the RA on duty, and redirecting calls of all stripes. (One memorable night I got a call at 2 am from someone who wasn't even in our dorm asking to speak to the RA on duty, because they were currently visiting a friend at a completely different university who was having "an identity crisis". I politely suggested they consult with that more relevant RA.)

There was also a security guard there - Willie, I think his name was - he was the one responsible for signing people into and out of the building and checking IDs. Usually things got super quiet at about 3 or 4 am, but we still had to stay awake. Usually we'd default to my grabbing a couple pencils and doing extended air drum solos on the desk, while Willie would do some imaginary putting practice; he'd do a Johnny-Carson type of imaginary swing and ask me how he did, and I'd just randomly tell him things like "got it right in" or "it went off a little to the left" or "Ooh, you got a couple feet to go but you did miss the sand trap" or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:04 AM on January 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


We toured one of my town's fire stations recently, and the Captain said, "Basically, anything in town that's not a crime in progress or a…a crime in progress, we get. Cats in trees, flooded basements, whatever." Sounds a lot like these poor people.

That's largely a result of fire departments deliberately expanding their remit to keep their jobs going after fire safety codes rendered a huge number of them unnecessary. This is the reason they roll fire engines to heart attacks in seniors homes when fire departments these days have fully equipped ambulances. It isn't because they're needed. It's because they apply a use it or lose it mentality and pump their call out statistics up.
posted by srboisvert at 11:07 AM on January 21, 2016


Well, not in my town, but I don't want to derail. :7) Only to point out that there are some folks whose whole job consists of providing "All of the above" for the rest of us!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:55 PM on January 21, 2016


This makes me feel a tiny bit better that I don't quite have to deal with all of that...yet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:20 PM on January 21, 2016


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