Boston students bury those with no one to witness
January 27, 2016 12:50 PM   Subscribe

NPR covers Boston-area students who attend the funerals of those with no one to witness. In a time when a lot of our interactions are fueled by fear or blunted by avoidance of perceived risk, it can be hard to reach out to those with nothing. Students in their senior year at the Roxbury Latin school attend the funerals -- and act as pallbearers -- for those who have no one. A local funeral home, Lawler and Crosby, handles the other details.

Being respectfully present to witness the end of another person's life is a simple act of service -- but the emotional impact of the reminder of one's own inevitable death is enormous. And these kids, they are all right: for the duration of their service, they are thoughtful and solemn in honoring a stranger, with poetry or a prayer, and in simply being there.

The funeral director learned of this practice as a student himself at the Jesuit St. Ignatius High School in Cleveland, where the practice is well-established as the The Saint Joseph of Arimathea Pallbearer Ministry, where they have served at 1,600 + funerals.

(St. Joseph was, of course, "The councillor (Lk 23:50) who, after the Crucifixion, requested the body of Christ from Pontius Pilate and provided for a proper burial for Christ." (cite))

These young men are coming into contact with a part of the population who that might never think much about, and some of them are confronting death for the first time in their lives.
posted by wenestvedt (35 comments total) 35 users marked this as a favorite
 
I heard this segment on the radio the other day and was moved to tears. What a remarkable way to care for the least fortunate among us.
posted by workerant at 1:02 PM on January 27, 2016


It goes without saying: PAGING MISTER COLDCHEF, G.J. TO THE BLUE COURTESY PHONE, PLEASE.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:02 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


Where'd all this dust come from
posted by General Malaise at 1:06 PM on January 27, 2016


I heard this story the other day. I thought that it was definitely an interesting and nice gesture to have kids attend a funeral of someone that doesn't have anyone, but why not have these kids help someone at the end of their life while the person is still alive? That seems like it would be appreciated more than after the person is gone. I guess if you are not particularly religious like myself, then the question is, who is this gesture exactly suppose to help besides possibly the student performing it?
posted by OrangeGloves at 1:13 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]


Who is this gesture exactly suppose to help besides possibly the student performing it?
Maybe this is enough.
posted by milnews.ca at 1:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [22 favorites]


guess if you are not particularly religious like myself, then the question is, who is this gesture exactly suppose to help besides possibly the student performing it?

I can't decide if it's staunch atheism that makes me say this, but this isn't a service done for the deceased. It's for people who can see themselves in the position of the deceased when they die. It's indirect help for people at the end of their lives. Of course it only really accomplishes that when there's a baseline level of publicity.
posted by supercres at 1:28 PM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]


who is this gesture exactly suppose to help besides possibly the student performing it?

Maybe the living who may find some solace in that they will be mourned by someone, anyone, and not forgotten by the world.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:29 PM on January 27, 2016 [33 favorites]


I guess if you're a comfortable, affluent young person who's never considered poverty or death, and you have a long life ahead of you, it probably makes you a better, more-thoughtful person. The other guy's dead, sooo, not much helped, I admit. And these boys do, in fact, have a school-wide program for community service.

Not to thread-sit, but I was once a pretty affluent kid who went to a private high school, too. (Ours was run by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet and the Brothers of the Christian Schools, though, not Jesuits.) And I was in a uniformed JROTC honor guard a couple of times for funerals; one was for an alumni only a year out of school. That was sobering to a teenager, flush with health and comfort and notions of invincibility -- and so the ride back to campus was quiet and we usually skipped stopping for some McDonald's without anyone even suggesting it.

Who learned anything? We kids, who had a whole lifetime ahead of us, and needed some perspective before we started to believe our own press.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:30 PM on January 27, 2016 [20 favorites]


Maybe the living who may find some solace in that they will be mourned by someone, anyone, and not forgotten by the world.

Well, I guess that is really the point I'm trying to make. They were forgotten by the world. Those students don't know anything about them, nor did the students do anything for them while they could appreciate it. I would take more comfort in knowing that people cared while I was alive.
posted by OrangeGloves at 1:32 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


It's a showing of basic human decency.

On an individual level? You're probably right. It doesn't matter much.

In aggregate, though? It builds awareness of the people who have fallen through the cracks of society, and provides a reassurance that somebody will be there to see that your remains are treated with respect. It enforces one of the core tenants of civilization and the human experience -- we mourn and respect the passing of a fellow human, no matter who they were.
posted by schmod at 1:33 PM on January 27, 2016 [34 favorites]


I would take more comfort in knowing that people cared while I was alive.

YMMV, etc
posted by listen, lady at 1:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


There's something profoundly moving to taking care of someone after they have died. Sure, on a purely material level, you're spending your time to help a pile of meat that can't appreciate it. But this kind of act sends a strong message about the sanctity of humanity to the people who do it, and the people who witness it, and maybe even the people who are close to death who might benefit from it. This is literally the last thing that can be done for a person - even if they themselves can't appreciate it - and having someone step up and do it is powerful.

As a side note, Judaism considers taking care of a body before burial (which entails washing it, dressing it, and standing vigil until the funeral) to be one of the greater good deeds a person can perform, because it's one of very few good deeds that can truly be performed for its own sake without any thought of reward since the recipient of the deed is dead.
posted by Itaxpica at 1:43 PM on January 27, 2016 [43 favorites]


> Those students don't know anything about them, nor did the students do anything for them while they could appreciate it.

This kind of service may be among the first they perform for strangers they don't know. It's a starting place. They are teenagers. They have - they hope - a long life ahead, and this may be the beginning of some kind of perspective that a lot of us don't come to until we're much older, if at all.
posted by rtha at 1:44 PM on January 27, 2016 [12 favorites]


As a staunch atheist, were I ever to be in the position of one of the deceased, I would be more than happy to have my death be the starting point on a long road of public service and social action for any individual.
posted by oflinkey at 1:54 PM on January 27, 2016 [53 favorites]


Yep, I agree with oflinkey.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2016


Why is it whenever there's mention of someone doing something Charitable for Thing X someone always jumps in to ask why are they doing anything for Thing Y? Why don't you go do something for Thing Y?

And maybe when you do, someone will write an article about it and then someone will comment "what about Thing Z?!" And you'll understand how annoying that attitude is.
posted by bgal81 at 1:57 PM on January 27, 2016 [53 favorites]


"Remember also: every day and whenever you can, repeat to yourself, 'O Lord, have mercy upon all who appear before thee today.' For thousands of people leave life on this earth every hour and every moment, and their souls stand before God - and how many of them depart this life in solitude, unknown to anyone, in anguish and sorrow that no one feels sorry for them and does not even care of they live or die. And so from the other end of the earth your prayer, too, will perhaps rise up before God, that his soul may rest in peace though you knew him not nor he you. How deeply touching it will be to his soul, standing in fear before God, to feel at that moment that he has someone left to utter a prayer for him, and that there is one person on earth who loves him."

- Father Zosima, in The Brothers Karamazov


I was reading Dostoevsky this week and it seemed appropriate.
posted by 4ster at 2:09 PM on January 27, 2016 [21 favorites]


I was a Catholic alter server when I was a kid. I ended up being a go-to server for funerals for a few years (I attended the elementary/middle school associated with the church), probably because I did it once and knew the drill with incense and to remember to wear nice shoes. Maybe I had a mournful aspect as a child, who knows.

I don't know how much I learned from those funerals but I did sort of notice one thing? Some of them were small and attended mostly by the elderly. Some of them were large and had multiple priests - usually someone who had died younger, but not always.

Attending funerals as a kid didn't really make it easier for me when my own mother died but I was sort of gratified that there were three priests and a receiving line that snaked outside the church. And I remembered to thank the alter server.

anyway the point is that i find the service these young men do comforting in the abstract and i found my own experience attending the funerals of people i didn't know - although i was never the only person - 'helpful' in a difficult time, i guess.
posted by dismas at 2:14 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


There's also a question of ability where teenagers are concerned. They're not trained hospice workers or anything, and what any given living person might need from them or from any of us varies widely. Caring and witnessing mostly require willingness and a certain amount of emotional fortitude. Having peers to perform these tasks with you helps develop that strength and probably keeps it from being as traumatizing as it could be.

This sounds like a worthwhile tradition to me, and an good investment in these kids' futures. It's a hell of a lot more than we usually expect teenagers to manage. (Speaking for myself as a teenager, "no spectacular, easily-avoided death by misadventure" was about as much as I could promise.)
posted by asperity at 2:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


The world needs mourners and obstetricians. It's that kind of world.

Also, I was quite struck by the quote from "A Reflection On An Autumn Day," and looking for it led me to this page, which seems to be quite a handy thing to have around.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:35 PM on January 27, 2016


Yeah, geez, one of the markers of the development of consciousness is when humans start to care for their dead. Some of you guys may be hyperlogical worm food, but I really hope that when I die other humans take care of me and see me decently cared for before committing me to fertilizer. I know it won't MATTER to me, but it matters to me now, and it feels like treating people as disposable and interchangeable objects when we don't at least pause to give them a decent send-off ritual.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:40 PM on January 27, 2016 [31 favorites]


Metafilter: Some of you guys may be hyperlogical worm food
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:43 PM on January 27, 2016 [18 favorites]


Why is it whenever there's mention of someone doing something Charitable for Thing X someone always jumps in to ask why are they doing anything for Thing Y? Why don't you go do something for Thing Y?

You know, I agree with this, and am sorry it came off that way. I think what I was trying to express was that this was framed in the description as a service. I guess in a purely religious sense, I could see this as being a public service. What I am arguing that is if you are like me and aren't religious, it doesn't seem to be a service to the dead, but those performing it. That's all. I don't disagree with any of the good things about this or any of the arguments in it's favor. I see nothing wrong with it at all. I think the only reason I brought it up is that as a society we tend to ignore people who really need help while they are struggling.
posted by OrangeGloves at 2:48 PM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]


Maybe I had a mournful aspect as a child

Resting Grief Face™
posted by The Tensor at 2:49 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]


OrangeGlove, I hear you!

And there are lots of forms of "service": the doctor who closed the patient's eye the final time, the undertaker who carefully combed the person's hair, and the six hands that lift the casket.

Takes all kinds, you know?
posted by wenestvedt at 3:05 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


Those young people will be better for it. Death and life is a very narrow path. For whatever the reason we do for others is reason enough to do for others.
posted by shockingbluamp at 3:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


Another heart-warming (and tear-wrenching) story of "caring for the least of these" that I ran across this week is this family that does hospice foster care for terminally-ill and abandoned infants.

Salchert told Today.com that some “hospice babies” are left without families because their parents cannot bear to watch their children die, so they “step away.” The babies might spend their short lives in hospitals with no real family, so Salchert decided that her calling, and that of her family, was to provide these babies with a family for as long as they had.
posted by belladonna at 4:07 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]


Christ, that's heart-shredding.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:15 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


Although I went to the Cleveland school mentioned in the article, I wanted to chime in and say yes, it is for the deceased but also for that sole brother, the distant relative, or neighbor who is the only person there besides the teenagers and the funeral home employee. For a few minutes, they are not alone, their weight of that casket is not entirely upon them.

I'm proud to see that student body's participation has grown to 1/3... it was maybe a dozen or 2 (5% ish) when I was there 10 years ago.

Growing up, I went to a lot of funerals. While I was in college, and on the way to a friend's father's funeral along with several friends, one of them asked what was the procedure because they hadn't been to one before and which caught me really off guard.
I had been to 20-30 funerals by that point and don't think it was that unusual.

The student body at Ignatius is mostly upper class but there's a small minority (maybe less than 5%) who grew up below poverty, another 10-15% that were working or lower middle-class, first to go to the school like myself.

Mortality is one thing that we are all bound by.

This is even more impactful to the kids who felt so immortal, invisible, whose only experience with death was a goldfish or their grandpa who succumbed to cancer in a peaceful, sterile manner at 11.

A dignified burial to all and to think about the deceased, even for a few minutes, is an important lesson to teach them.
posted by fizzix at 6:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [15 favorites]


As a side note, Judaism considers taking care of a body before burial (which entails washing it, dressing it, and standing vigil until the funeral) to be one of the greater good deeds a person can perform, because it's one of very few good deeds that can truly be performed for its own sake without any thought of reward since the recipient of the deed is dead.

Indeed. What a mitzvah these students are doing.
posted by SisterHavana at 9:25 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm an atheist too and I do see this as a service, to all of humanity. It's good for humanity that the idea that this is an important thing for its own sake is practiced by the students and taught by the teachers. More schools should do this. And yeah provide structured methods for helping living people too, sure, why not, there is no shortage of high school kids.
posted by bleep at 11:16 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


The best thing that can come of someone's death is that someone better learns how to live.

Before I heard that Schopenhauer recommended it, I'd already discovered the power of random acts of kindness ... by other people for me, and vice versa. This is the social dialectic, the silent conversation, wherein we acknowledge our connection. The look of surprise, the smile and nod of recognition. It works, on the road and up our block.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.
posted by Twang at 11:50 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]


The value of small acts of kindness is that they can lead to larger ones.
posted by emjaybee at 8:43 AM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]


I guess if you are not particularly religious like myself, then the question is, who is this gesture exactly suppose to help besides possibly the student performing it?

Students who are, and will likely be for the remainder of their lives, more fortunate than their peers learn that in the grand scheme of things that we are all mere mortals. It may shape the very people they become and how they treat others less fortunate instead of fostering an attitude of "F--- you, I've got mine." If only the Koch Brothers had participated in such a program when they were younger.....
posted by dances with hamsters at 10:57 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's a bummer that, in America, not believing in any god puts one outside of so many forms of community.
posted by benito.strauss at 11:09 AM on January 28, 2016


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