Because White People Always Live Near Large Bodies of Water
February 6, 2016 12:07 PM Subscribe
The Nicholas Sparks White People Experience: Lainey Gossip's Sarah reviews Nicholas Sparks's latest "whirlwind romance straight out of an erectile disfunction commercial."
This is not just a game, this is a unique opportunity to experience life as only a totally delusional asshole can! For just ten dollars, you can roll the dice and enjoy your customized Nicholas Sparks White People Experience. Let’s play!
First, you have to set up the board. This game takes place in a coastal setting because white people always live near large bodies of water. It is an indisputable fact of nature that any white person worth knowing is a seafaring sort (or a cowboy). If you’re a white person who lives anywhere other than a charming coastal town, you’re probably a horrible harpy that deserves to be run over by a taxicab!
Next, let’s draw character cards. The basic characters available are: All-American Boy, he’s a down-home good ole boy; Uptight Shrew, she’s more concerned about her career and/or education than romance, uh oh!; Total Bitch, she’s just a total bitch and no one likes her; Loyal Sibling, comes in male and female varieties; and The Other Guy, who is perfectly nice and supportive of Uptight Shrew’s ambitions but f*ck him anyway, he’s The Other Guy!
Every time we see the preview for a movie, made from one of his books, my girlfriend says, "I'll only go if no one dies." I usually respond with, "I can check, but I heard someone does."
And that's it. We never go.
For the love of all that is holy no one ever tell her differently.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:27 PM on February 6, 2016 [18 favorites]
And that's it. We never go.
For the love of all that is holy no one ever tell her differently.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:27 PM on February 6, 2016 [18 favorites]
It is an indisputable fact of nature that any white person worth knowing is a seafaring sort (or a cowboy).
Woo-hoo! I'm both! I win! And, scene.
posted by valkane at 12:33 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Woo-hoo! I'm both! I win! And, scene.
posted by valkane at 12:33 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
And, scene .
If there were a Nicholas Sparks movie about a pony-riding guy in a boat (preferably Lyle himself), I would be there opening night.
posted by sallybrown at 12:44 PM on February 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
If there were a Nicholas Sparks movie about a pony-riding guy in a boat (preferably Lyle himself), I would be there opening night.
posted by sallybrown at 12:44 PM on February 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
Is the pony also in the boat?
posted by KChasm at 12:50 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by KChasm at 12:50 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh, most definitely.
posted by sallybrown at 12:52 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 12:52 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I mispelled "Yee-Haw!"
And it just occurred to me that Lyle Lovett is like the anti-Tom Waits. Seriously. Like, if you put those two guys in a room together, it would be like Hadron Collider-time. There could be a black hole. And none of this would matter.
posted by valkane at 1:02 PM on February 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
And it just occurred to me that Lyle Lovett is like the anti-Tom Waits. Seriously. Like, if you put those two guys in a room together, it would be like Hadron Collider-time. There could be a black hole. And none of this would matter.
posted by valkane at 1:02 PM on February 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
Also it's a magical pony, which makes sense because you can ride it on a boat. Regular ponies don't do that shit.
And that magical pony will help you find true love. Possibly by dying/vanishing.
(I have never actually seen a Nicholas Sparks movie or read one of his books, but I feel I am familiar with the genre conventions from years of reading short stories in my grandma's copies of Redbook.)
posted by emjaybee at 1:11 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
And that magical pony will help you find true love. Possibly by dying/vanishing.
(I have never actually seen a Nicholas Sparks movie or read one of his books, but I feel I am familiar with the genre conventions from years of reading short stories in my grandma's copies of Redbook.)
posted by emjaybee at 1:11 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
In a better world Uptight Shrew would have finished medical school, married Other Guy, and turned All American Boy into her Boy Toy.
In the real world Total Bitch would have saved the day after the Ubiquitous Tragedy, because that's what Total Bitches do. In a better movie Total Bitch would have then gotten to lead the Memorial Day Parade on her Magic Pony.
Movies never have happy endings, though.
posted by kanewai at 1:39 PM on February 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
In the real world Total Bitch would have saved the day after the Ubiquitous Tragedy, because that's what Total Bitches do. In a better movie Total Bitch would have then gotten to lead the Memorial Day Parade on her Magic Pony.
Movies never have happy endings, though.
posted by kanewai at 1:39 PM on February 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
This kind of thing is why I read Lainey's site every day.
posted by immlass at 1:47 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by immlass at 1:47 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was going to say that I'd never seen one of his movies but I just noticed that Message in a Bottle was based on one of his books and I have seen that manipulative piece of crap. We had free tickets for some reason and still felt ripped off by that film.
posted by octothorpe at 2:13 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by octothorpe at 2:13 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I think most films would only be improved by Lyle Lovett on a pony on a boat.
posted by thivaia at 3:23 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 3:23 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
I worked in a book-store many years ago and we used to crack jokes about his books with every new release.
CO-WORKER: "Uh oh, new Nicholas Sparks book."
ME: "Fire-fighter, returning PTSD marine, or veterinarian who works with blind Shetland-ponies."
CO-WORKER: "What?"
ME: "Take your pick. One of those three character types will probably have to rescue a woman who lost her children and puppy in a tragic plane-car-crash because of an ex-stalker-boyfriend."
CO-WORKER: "Probably."
posted by Fizz at 3:40 PM on February 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
CO-WORKER: "Uh oh, new Nicholas Sparks book."
ME: "Fire-fighter, returning PTSD marine, or veterinarian who works with blind Shetland-ponies."
CO-WORKER: "What?"
ME: "Take your pick. One of those three character types will probably have to rescue a woman who lost her children and puppy in a tragic plane-car-crash because of an ex-stalker-boyfriend."
CO-WORKER: "Probably."
posted by Fizz at 3:40 PM on February 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
Nobody dies in the novel "The Notebook" or its sequel, "The Wedding".
posted by themanwho at 4:09 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by themanwho at 4:09 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hmmm...I do live near Lake Michigan. Does the Third Coast qualify as "coastal".
posted by MikeMc at 4:51 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MikeMc at 4:51 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hmmm...I do live near Lake Michigan. Does the Third Coast qualify as "coastal".
Depends... Do you own a pony or boat?
posted by drezdn at 5:06 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Depends... Do you own a pony or boat?
posted by drezdn at 5:06 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I used to ride ponies on my grandparent's farm when I was kid. I should start reading this guy's novels, they're all about meeee!!!!
posted by MikeMc at 5:12 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MikeMc at 5:12 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
i always found the dismissal of Nichols Sparks (quite well done, for what they are) has a kind of toxic stew of dismissal of women and working class folks. I read all of these essays from boys about Vernacular Autuers, and I see people like Tarintino spend entire well rewarded careers reclaiming sleaze while this tradition of women's films re completely dismissed.
posted by PinkMoose at 5:17 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 5:17 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]
Mark Kermode claims you can always tell the hero in a Sparks movie because he's the guy painting a boat. Boat painting is a handy skill, I suppose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:02 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:02 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I feel like Nicholas Sparks adaptations would cross-over well with many of the films that air on the Lifetime channel.
posted by Fizz at 6:11 PM on February 6, 2016
posted by Fizz at 6:11 PM on February 6, 2016
Huh. I've never heard of this guy.
His films have an average critical approval rating of 25% and have grossed $800 million.
Story checks out.
posted by ead at 6:18 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
His films have an average critical approval rating of 25% and have grossed $800 million.
Story checks out.
posted by ead at 6:18 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Saw 5 seconds of the trailer for the newest one on mute and predicted it was a Sparks. Yep!
posted by kmz at 6:40 PM on February 6, 2016
posted by kmz at 6:40 PM on February 6, 2016
I tried to read a Nicholas Sparks book once. I made it to page 3 before I threw it violently across the room. It is the literary equivalent of marshmallows marinated in sugar water and topped with powdered sugar.
posted by pjsky at 7:48 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by pjsky at 7:48 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
i always found the dismissal of Nichols Sparks (quite well done, for what they are) has a kind of toxic stew of dismissal of women and working class folks.
I can't speak to the class aspects, but as a regular Lainey reader, I find she's anything but dismissive of women, female characters, and female-oriented books.
posted by immlass at 8:27 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]
I can't speak to the class aspects, but as a regular Lainey reader, I find she's anything but dismissive of women, female characters, and female-oriented books.
posted by immlass at 8:27 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]
Where's the water? We are in the hills of Tennessee. Not even a mudhole here.
posted by tammysons at 9:40 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by tammysons at 9:40 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
This kind of thing is why I read Lainey's site every day.
Someday I'm going to make a monster FPP of her best posts related to celebrity and contemporary fame. She jokes about the School of Celebrity Studies, but she and Anne Helen Peterson are doing truly great work on this topic.
posted by sallybrown at 12:11 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
Someday I'm going to make a monster FPP of her best posts related to celebrity and contemporary fame. She jokes about the School of Celebrity Studies, but she and Anne Helen Peterson are doing truly great work on this topic.
posted by sallybrown at 12:11 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
Ha, pjksy I came into to say that the only time I threw a book against a wall was when I finished The Notebook. Everyone said it was so good and I kept waiting for it to get good and then I got to the last page and I was So Raging that the good part never came.
posted by like_neon at 2:11 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by like_neon at 2:11 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
More Mark Kermode on Nicholas Sparks:
The Best of Me
Safe Haven
The Longest Ride
posted by Stark at 6:08 AM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Best of Me
Safe Haven
The Longest Ride
posted by Stark at 6:08 AM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ha, pjksy I came into to say that the only time I threw a book against a wall was when I finished The Notebook. Everyone said it was so good and I kept waiting for it to get good and then I got to the last page
I'm confused, you mentioned you didn't get to the good part, but you did get to throw the book against the wall!!
posted by Fizz at 6:34 AM on February 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm confused, you mentioned you didn't get to the good part, but you did get to throw the book against the wall!!
posted by Fizz at 6:34 AM on February 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
This game takes place in a coastal setting because white people always live near large bodies of water.
Uh, not to defend Nicholas Sparks or anything, but he does live in coastal North Carolina. That's like asking why Flannery O'Connor's work all takes place in the South.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:01 AM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Uh, not to defend Nicholas Sparks or anything, but he does live in coastal North Carolina. That's like asking why Flannery O'Connor's work all takes place in the South.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:01 AM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
When I got married my friends and I actually joked about me having a Sparks like romance. Not super 'shrew' like but I was interested in all my other things etc.
And they lived happily ever after.....
Nope.
5 years in All American Boy goes off to work for several months and All American Boy decides, without bothering to tell girl, or explain to girl or give girl any sort of warning that he just isn't coming back. Leaves girl quite literally destitute because it's only obvious after many months of excuses that All American Boy is gone, with the main income.
Completely blindsided girl and family gets rescued by equally blindsided family and spends the next three years trying to get things back together and never hears from All American Boy again after brief email that says "I'm okay lol. Call you in a couple of days."
I should write romance in reality novels!
posted by Jalliah at 7:44 AM on February 7, 2016 [6 favorites]
And they lived happily ever after.....
Nope.
5 years in All American Boy goes off to work for several months and All American Boy decides, without bothering to tell girl, or explain to girl or give girl any sort of warning that he just isn't coming back. Leaves girl quite literally destitute because it's only obvious after many months of excuses that All American Boy is gone, with the main income.
Completely blindsided girl and family gets rescued by equally blindsided family and spends the next three years trying to get things back together and never hears from All American Boy again after brief email that says "I'm okay lol. Call you in a couple of days."
I should write romance in reality novels!
posted by Jalliah at 7:44 AM on February 7, 2016 [6 favorites]
I should write romance in reality novels!
Damn, that is hardcore awful! I am so sorry. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sparks!
posted by sallybrown at 10:14 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
Damn, that is hardcore awful! I am so sorry. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sparks!
posted by sallybrown at 10:14 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
"The Notebook" is sexist, pandering garbage and I hate that movie with the fire of a thousand suns. I don't hate Nicholas Sparks films because I hate "women's films" (wtf? The Notebook was written and directed by men), I hate them because they're sexist and portray women as infantile idiots who can't function without men around.
posted by a strong female character at 10:29 AM on February 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 10:29 AM on February 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
epony... wait, is this a trap?
posted by psoas at 11:50 AM on February 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by psoas at 11:50 AM on February 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yeah, it's not like there's a shortage of, I don't know, actual female porn/erotic/romance novels out there, written by women, to appeal to women. The idea that this dude writing romance novels is the one who gets to make the "chick-flicks" is incredibly vom-worthy.
posted by corb at 12:10 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 12:10 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
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