On some evenings, I don't want to deny the indulgence
February 8, 2016 7:29 AM   Subscribe

How Hollywood's Favorite Juice Bar Owner Eats Every Day. Come for the pretty zucchini ribbons. Stay for the magic activated cashews. via Kottke.
posted by Mchelly (202 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
And every second Saturday, she eats a Big Mac.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:36 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


I feel trolled.
posted by prefpara at 7:37 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


Wow, that diet includes at least ten times the normal amount of give me a fucking break.
posted by Muddler at 7:42 AM on February 8, 2016 [122 favorites]


@getinthesea has already issued the only comment necessary on this person.
posted by grounded at 7:43 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Eh, I have seen this go around FB and Twitter with some really shitty things said about her. Her diet is a bit too woo for my tastes , but as long as that remains her own deal, she can do as she likes. I am over this whole "clean" eating and "detox" woo however. Also, bone broth is just flat out homemade broth. Stop trying to give it mystical properties. IT IS JUST BROTH.
posted by Kitteh at 7:43 AM on February 8, 2016 [18 favorites]


"Do you really need to activate your nuts?"

My inner twelve-year old is giggling uncontrollably at the phrase 'activated nuts'.
posted by Doktor Zed at 7:44 AM on February 8, 2016 [26 favorites]


Hearing her list those ingredients, she sounds like an actual witch.
posted by little onion at 7:44 AM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


It's less angry-making, perhaps, if you just consider it part of the image she has to project in order to get celebrities to eat at her restaurant.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:45 AM on February 8, 2016 [23 favorites]


Help me out, what does "mineralization" mean in relation to actual human bodies. I presume Ms. Bacon has one, no matter how much she tries to eat like she lives in Lothlorien.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:47 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Someone please give this woman a burrito.
posted by Mizu at 7:49 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Food is the new astrology.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 7:49 AM on February 8, 2016 [33 favorites]


Is she inflicting this on her innocent child?
posted by prefpara at 7:50 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


That said, "Moon Juice Heart Tonic" sounds like something being hawked from the back of a hay wagon in the Depression-era South.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:50 AM on February 8, 2016 [14 favorites]


Not sure why someone else's diet would make people angry.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 7:51 AM on February 8, 2016 [19 favorites]


"I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes."

Do you think he rides?
posted by leotrotsky at 7:51 AM on February 8, 2016 [14 favorites]




Food and mysticism have always been linked. This really is no different thank it's always been, just a bit glossier. BRB, gotta get a fritter to balance my humors.
posted by Think_Long at 7:52 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Frankly, most of that looks gross. If she enjoys it, fine, but like, I enjoy burgers and I'm very healthy, so, whatever.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:53 AM on February 8, 2016


"Moon juice heart tonic" aka bourbon
posted by From Bklyn at 7:54 AM on February 8, 2016 [50 favorites]


It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin.

Cordyceps? She won't feel so great when she climbs up a cell phone tower and a fruiting body grows out of her skull, I think.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:54 AM on February 8, 2016 [54 favorites]


My inner twelve-year old is giggling uncontrollably at the phrase 'activated nuts'.

Thus, setting the stage for an entire evening of "deeze nuts" quips.
posted by dr_dank at 7:55 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


They should market this stuff as Purina White People Chow.
posted by jonmc at 7:56 AM on February 8, 2016 [25 favorites]


People are angry about this because it makes us feel bad.

It makes me feel badly for her, but I don't feel badly for myself.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


I have to say, needing to eat, like, every two minutes (and eat such specialized food) would get in the way of my day - that's the main thing that occurs to me.

It's less angry-making, perhaps, if you just consider it part of the image she has to project in order to get celebrities to eat at her restaurant.

I think this is the key observation - we're moving further and further into being a culture where you're supposed to marketize your whole life, but you're also supposed to make it look like a "choice". The "choice", of course, is conveniently exactly what is most salable in your field at any given moment - just like you're "choosing" to wear the right brands.

And there's this extremely commercialized form of "care", where you show that you're a better person through "caring" for your body by having a very public and very meticulous regime - would it even be "care" if no one knew that you were drinking unsweetened green drinks on the hour every day, etc.

It's not that none of these things ever happened before (IIRC, people were very interested in Goethe's diet and habits, but maybe I'm making that up) but it is so constant and so pervasive now as to be a different thing - what was once the purview of the aristocracy and cranks, while most of us languished in delicious nutritional and fitness privacy, is now strongly suggested for everyone if they want to show that they are "good" employees, "good" students and "good" citizens.
posted by Frowner at 7:58 AM on February 8, 2016 [15 favorites]


Yeah, when I saw this passed around a few days ago, I found the mocking oher diet rather mean-spirited. It's like women nowadays can't eat anything right - either they're "unhealthy, must be obese" or "gross" or "too healthy, must be orthorexia" or any variation of "what you eat is up for public scrutiny".

Yes, she's got a marketing image to portray to some degree, but isn't it also a sad reflection of our society that she may feel that she has to live up to this image to sell her wares? (That's assuming this is all image-building and not authentic, though I'm not that cynical.) Imagine if she still had her shop, but her diet more closely resembled a "typical" American one. Wouldn't the backlash then be "wow, she's a hypocrite"?

It's her body. She's figured out what works for her. Awesome.
posted by divabat at 7:59 AM on February 8, 2016 [17 favorites]


The whole point of this kind of thing, too, is to make the rest of us feel that we need to step up our efforts from merely trying to eat enough vegetables and get some exercise - that we are irresponsibly shortening our own lives through our laziness and weakness. Foucault, thou should be living at this hour!
posted by Frowner at 7:59 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Like, I'm vegan and I know I should probably not eat the delicious meat analogues that constantly go on sale at our local grocery stores, but yet I buy them anyway. And then I feel guilty that I'm not like these perfect vegan bloggers where everything is 90% vegetables and they're blonde and thin and I am like, "Well, fuck. Even having this diet, I still have to live up to some stupid metric or else I'm Doing It Wrong."
posted by Kitteh at 8:02 AM on February 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


Also, a lot of the various herbs/mushrooms/fruits that figure in her products aren't that weird in other cultures. Tons of those mushrooms are common with Traditional Chinese Medicine - I could probably go round the corner and get a bowl of herbal soup filled with them right now if I wanted (Except today is Chinese New Year so stuff is mostly closed). The Spirit Dust has longan, which is a typical Malaysian fruit that tastes like a lighter version of lychee and is SO GOOD.

It's actually to her credit that her shop, as woo as it gets, doesn't get all Exotic Ayurveda Oriental Wisdom Blah Blah like so many others in this category would.
posted by divabat at 8:05 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


Apparently this way of eating costs her on the order of $710 per day.
posted by Andrhia at 8:05 AM on February 8, 2016 [24 favorites]


From the linked article:

"For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side...It's probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing thanks to the sea vegetables, and the avocado nourishes the brain and hormones. It's awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile.

PLEASE TRY THIS ORGAN-NOURISHING SUSTENANCE-MATTER, HU-MAN MATTER CONSUMER! COMPILATION OF SUSTENANCE TAKES ONLY 45,000 MILISECONDS!
posted by clockzero at 8:07 AM on February 8, 2016 [15 favorites]


From Danse Macabre 2.0.

Kitteh, I've resigned myself to the fact that not eating meat, unless you're literally deprived or have the appetite of a sparrow, makes it harder to lose weight. No lean fish or chicken, no boiled eggs . . . But I don't do it for health reasons, anyway.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:08 AM on February 8, 2016


Apparently this way of eating costs her on the order of $710 per day.

Come on, she's not eating $18 worth of silver needle tea a day, nor is she eating the entire bag of pine nuts.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:09 AM on February 8, 2016 [13 favorites]


@getinthesea has already issued the only comment necessary on this person.

Serious questions:
1) What's a Bacon Bap?
2) What's a Ringpiece?
posted by NoMich at 8:09 AM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


It's awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile.

This might be the worst sentence ever written about food that does not include the word "moist".
posted by Rock Steady at 8:10 AM on February 8, 2016 [25 favorites]


A bacon bap is a bacon sandwich.

There is a new juice bar near my spin studio and gah, they have this "detox" water that costs like $8.50 a bottle and I am like, I just want some goddamn juice not your holistic garbage okay.
posted by Kitteh at 8:11 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


what does "mineralization" mean

It's a fancy way of saying multi-vitamin.
posted by bonehead at 8:14 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]





It's her body. She's figured out what works for her. Awesome.


I mean, yes and no. I think that this is like a lot of the things posted on here, where folks' immediate tendency is to treat a systemic issue as if it's an issue of individual blame - and god knows, I've been as guilty of that as anyone, to my shame.

I feel like "choice" is always best understood as taking place in a class and economic matrix - that we "choose" our choices not because we're unique free human beings who just, naturally, want to take care of our bodies or whatever, but because we're nodes in a system of wealth and power. That is, absent Amanda Bacon, there would be a Clelia Ham, because the particular way that wealth and power are arranged demand a series of mostly-white women figureheads to embody these ideas about health, class and spending - they are generated, so to speak, by capital. Amanda Bacon may read all these articles and decide that she should become an effective altruist; Clelia Ham will be waiting in the wings. (But not chicken wings.)
posted by Frowner at 8:15 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?

Her use of traditional Asian herbs & fruits - while, again, not getting all Orientalist about it - is also what's turning me off all the mockery: it feels like the idea of anybody ever including such herbs in their diet must be crazy, which would mean throwing entire cultures under the bus.

Yes, there's definitely a lot to discuss about the performative nature of such diets, how much of what she's projecting is actually reality, the expectation of being "healthy" enough. But there's also systemic issues of misogyny and unconscious racism that are behind the mockery, and that concerns me.
posted by divabat at 8:19 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


The smartest dietary advice remains Michael Pollan's. I feel that Bacon's professed regimen is not congruent with that advice, namely the "Eat food" part.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:22 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


ultraviolet catastrophe Not sure why someone else's diet would make people angry.

I'm not an advocate of angry. I tend to prefer a good meh, and I'm not really angry about this myself, but since you expressed a curiosity: There are lots of possible reasons to be angry. Here's my take on the comments people have made so far:

1) The conspicuous consumption aspect of advertising a lifestyle the vast majority of people can never afford tends to make some angry.

2) Tying fiscally unattainable goals to universal goals like "health" and "wellbeing" tends to make some people feel judged by impossible standards, which turns to anger.

3) Selling pseudoscience tends to make some people angry.

4) Concern for the wellbeing of a child (who may have different nutritional needs) can make people upset, even if it's not their own child, even if the child is perfectly healthy, and even if the concern is completely irrational (I'm not saying whether or not it is irrational in this case, I know nothing abut nutrition).

5) Being seen as contributing to a culture of setting unattainable or difficult to attain standards (i.e. of beauty) for an underprivileged group (i.e. women) tends to make some people angry.

As someone firmly on team meh, I'm not sure any of these are particularly good reasons to be angry. And I'm not dually sure how valid some of these are as criticisms. However, I will say that compared to anger in general (To quote Chris Rock: ``Why spend the next twenty years in jail 'cause someone smudged your Puma?") these reasons seem better than a lot of reasons why people get angry.
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:22 AM on February 8, 2016 [19 favorites]


It's like women nowadays can't eat anything right - either they're "unhealthy, must be obese" or "gross" or "too healthy, must be orthorexia" or any variation of "what you eat is up for public scrutiny".

This isn't that though, and I think it does people who do struggle with examination of their choices a real disservice.

In the second paragraph ("At 8AM,..."), she describes a diet and care route consisting of 10 separate items, with a price list of $337 if you cared to copy her routine. Which, it just so happens, she is so very happy to sell you.

This isn't some funky vegan doing a sensible, but somewhat unusual diet, this is conspicuous consumption. This isn't a peer telling you how she does things. This is a saleswoman doing the sell, and she's doing it by pretending to be your friend.

Which personally, I find very creepy and distasteful.
posted by bonehead at 8:22 AM on February 8, 2016 [78 favorites]


Her use of traditional Asian herbs & fruits - while, again, not getting all Orientalist about it - is also what's turning me off all the mockery: it feels like the idea of anybody ever including such herbs in their diet must be crazy, which would mean throwing entire cultures under the bus.

And yet I feel like the ostentatious inclusion of these things (they're special! they're magic! they're better than whatever Western things you've also heard about!) also takes place in a circuit of orientalism - the philo- rather than the anti-part. I think that there's a class situation here - elites are free to love [certain aspects of] the Other, the international, the cosmopolitan, the foreign, and that love is a sign of eliteness. (Whether it's the Grand Tour or knowing how to cook "authentic" recipes from wherever.) The eliteness rests with the expense and freedom needed to participate - it wouldn't be worth buying special Asian herbs if they were easy to get and affordable, or part of an old-fashioned regime that your granddad might follow.

And then the "ha ha that's just a bunch of woo from mystic regions" is the other part of the circuit, and both are predicated on inequality and maintaining the sense of the "foreign" and "exotic".
posted by Frowner at 8:23 AM on February 8, 2016 [36 favorites]


zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon

This sounds delicious and I'm making it soon.

a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco

this delicious pile of foods though is a monstrous lie, in literally none of the ways does that resemble a taco
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:25 AM on February 8, 2016 [21 favorites]


I know too many people who pursue these types of diets as a way to add wellness gloss to what really is just a lack of calories. I'm not mad at Ms. Bacon for doing her thing, I'm mad at Elle for promoting a diet that for most people is indulging an eating disorder.
posted by MetalFingerz at 8:26 AM on February 8, 2016 [30 favorites]


Arsehattery is not a gendered issue.

Keeping a planet of seven billion people fed healthily, happily, fairly and sustainably is an awesomely difficult thing to even contemplate, let alone bring about. You cannot chuck a pine-nut five metres anywhere from Manhattan to Mogadishu without hitting someone for whom nutirition is problematic, for an infinite number of conflicting, complex reasons that touch upon virtually every way we organise our affairs.

This sort of thing is Not Helping in any way, shape or form. From any perspective which holds making things better for people who most need it, it is retrogressive and reactionary and to be deplored. Perhaps it will stimulate awareness, discussion and analysis in places lacking in such things, but frankly i can think of better ways.

Personally, I find it profoundly aggravating because it is self-aggrandisement on the back of massive misconceptions and misrepresentation, and it thoroughly deserves all the scorn and ridicule it generates. For otherwise, what are scorn and ridicule for? And while this is par for the course for a certain kind of celeb-driven status gaming - I have long since given up caring about its equivalent in clothing - it appropriates aspects of science, and that makes it personal.

In short: GRAAAAAAGH!
posted by Devonian at 8:27 AM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?"

Euell Gibbons?

Anyway, here's some real talk: No matter what you do--and I mean that literally--someone, somewhere, is going to think you're doing it wrong. So you may as well just accept that you're wrong, and that everybody is wrong, and do whatever the hell you want, because we're all going to die anyway.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:27 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


Frowner: see, that's the thing, I went through the Moon Juice site and nowhere have I found her doing the whole "eastern mystic" thing. Nowhere near the level of a zillion other herbal/vegan/healthfood/woo style places. She says they're good useful herbs, but unless I missed it I haven't seen her invoke ancient Chinese wisdom or whatever. I'm willing to be proven wrong, but right now the lack of such corniness is actually pretty impressive.
posted by divabat at 8:28 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


People are angry about this because it makes us feel bad.

I feel like it's aggressively pretentious and MEANT to make people feel bad, which irritates me. It also costs a fuckton of money to eat like this, which makes touting it as an inspirationally healthy way to live really obnoxious.

i do appreciate that she calls them "zucchini ribbons" and not "zoodles"

"zoodles" fills me with rage
posted by poffin boffin at 8:30 AM on February 8, 2016 [23 favorites]


a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.

This is totally the current version of culinary exoticism. It's "foodie" ingredients most people will not have heard of, let alone had a chance to try. They might have seen Paltow or Bourdain eat them though. It certainly sounds like the sorts of things they'd try.

It's not the older eastern mysticism orientalism, with an appeal to spirituality, it's an appeal to Saveur and the Food Network.
posted by bonehead at 8:31 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon

Swap out the zucchini (blech) for some nice capellini and shave some Parmesan over the top, and I'm in.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:33 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I would totally eat that recipe (without the olives) except that it's raw. Why has it not been sauteed with onions as God intended?
posted by Countess Elena at 8:40 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


Saute the zucchini ribbons and I'm in.

(On a pine-nut related note, though: I actually got that pine nut metallic taste thing, and it was gross and awful, but fortunately lasted only a week. I have been avoiding regular pine nuts (or all pine nuts, actually) since then, and plan only to eat the yuppie co-op ones, as they seem to suspect that the issue has to do with the Chinese ones, which are unfortunately the cheapest ones. But the point is, metallic pine nut taste thing actually happens and is not made up, as I'd assumed - choose wisely!)
posted by Frowner at 8:42 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


After finally reading it after hearing it trashed online for a few days, I actually probably wouldn't mind eating these admittedly-impossible meals on a regular basis; a lot of it (or at least what I've heard of) sounds delicious.

But I realize that I can't wrap my head around one simple question: what's the point of detoxing on a regular basis if you haven't had a ton of delicious toxins in the meantime?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:43 AM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


Come on guys she's managed to make herself moderately wealthy selling wooooo to the 1% (or maybe even the 0.1%) do you really think she's going to say "Lol I'm totally just selling this shit to the rubes with too much money to spend" I actually eat foie gras twice a day.
posted by vuron at 8:45 AM on February 8, 2016


what's the point of detoxing on a regular basis if you have kidneys and a liver
posted by poffin boffin at 8:46 AM on February 8, 2016 [51 favorites]


a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.

This isn't a horrid combination either. I can totally see this working as a salty, sour, vinegary app. It would be pretty nice with a lighter beer.
posted by bonehead at 8:47 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?"

The type of people who regularly consume soylent, who I'm assuming heavily skew male.
posted by gyc at 8:50 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Is it just me or does this read like a McSweeney's post?
posted by like_neon at 8:52 AM on February 8, 2016 [22 favorites]


She's selling a pound of boiled cashews for $21?
posted by boo_radley at 8:54 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


But I realize that I can't wrap my head around one simple question: what's the point of detoxing on a regular basis if you haven't had a ton of delicious toxins in the meantime?

Detoxification as presented is obviously woo, but part of the reason it's woo with such traction is that it actually does explain some way that I think (many) people feel. Eating (delicious) terrible food genuinely makes lots of people, including me, feel shitty, and swinging the pendulum actually does make me feel better. Yesterday I had Domino's for lunch and dinner, today I'm going to have a salad. Did the Domino's fill me with some sort of nebulous toxins? No. Will the salad make me feel better than another day of pizza covered in ranch dressing and the mysteriously delicious cookie-brownie hybrid?* Absolutely.

*Seriously, though, try the cookie-brownie
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:54 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Yeah, when I saw this passed around a few days ago, I found the mocking oher diet rather mean-spirited.

She's making fraudulent claims to make a buck.

That's a problem. Not the world's biggest problem mind you, but worthy of some derision.

The type of people who regularly consume soylent, who I'm assuming heavily skew male.

Or male skews heavily hardcore paleo-evangelical or bulletproof or something.

Saute the zucchini ribbons and I'm in.

Oh, do try them raw - but only after you've drizzled them with some olive oil and sprinkled with lemon zest, salt and pepper, and then tossed with some toasted (not activated) nuts, and maybe some goat's cheese.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:55 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Eating (delicious) terrible food genuinely makes lots of people, including me, feel shitty, and swinging the pendulum actually does make me feel better.

Eating a salad is not a cleanse like juice cleanses or whatever snake oil these places try to sell to you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


@NoMich

Translating from the UKish:

Bacon bap = Bacon roll / sandwich
Ringpiece = Anus
posted by doornoise at 8:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


It may take her only 45 seconds to make lunch, but she puts in two hours at night in her...jeez, I hate to call it a cult...meditation group (Yogi Bhajan's 3HO organization).
posted by kozad at 8:58 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wonder if she forces her child to eat this was as well.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:59 AM on February 8, 2016


On a pine-nut related note, though: I actually got that pine nut metallic taste thing

Frowner, I've been there too - I had pine-nut mouth a couple of years ago. It lasted close to a month in my case. It made even water taste metallic and bitter and utterly disgusting. I haven't eaten a pine nut since, because it's not worth the risk. Sadly it's very hard to find non-Chinese pine nuts where I live.
posted by pipeski at 8:59 AM on February 8, 2016


aggressively pretentious

I claim dibs for my imaginary band name and okay fine lady, eat whatever the hell you want. It ain't no skin off MY nose.

Just--where is the actual food in here? Other than the zucchini thing it's all different magic potions.

I checked out the link to Kayla Itsines' food diary. Now that I can get into. Feast your eyes upon her breakfast; it makes me swoon.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:01 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


"Activated nuts" sounds really annoying, but really it's just taking whatever nut you have on hand and soaking it overnight in some saltwater. I grew up doing this and we just called it 'nuts'. Don't let the annoying way they're bandied about stop you from trying it. Almonds soaked this way are really, truly delicious.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 9:01 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


Is it just me or does this read like a McSweeney's post?

Yes, and it also reads like Ben Marcus' Notable American Women, especially if you browse her catalog and notice that she sells (for $55) jars of "Action Dust."
posted by kozad at 9:02 AM on February 8, 2016


Shilajit Resin
Shilajit is a hand-harvested resin made of primordial matter gathered from the Himalayan mountain ranges. It is an adaptogenic and neurostimulating mineral complex that contains over 18 amino acids.
Shilajit enhances the immune system and increases the bioavailability of nutrients. A known love potion, it increases core vital, creative and sexual energy.


I clicked on one of the links in the "pre-breakfast" section to get more info. So this is $7 for a 2-ounce serving, and there's no ingredient list. I have no idea what this is! I'd like to think they just bottled up a rain puddle. But it is a known love potion.

She's not spending $710 on this stuff, 'cause it's what she sells.
posted by Miss Scarlet with the Candlestick in the Lounge at 9:02 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


This lady and her diet seems like something from one of my Dwarf Fortress worlds.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 9:03 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


I suppose my problem with this is that in the future, we'll be eating vat grown nutrient paste in our bunker because the surface world has been destroyed by the externalities of this kind of first world excess.
posted by adept256 at 9:03 AM on February 8, 2016 [11 favorites]


I've been a vegetarian for a long ass time and have worked in natural foods stores several times over the years, so I was prepared to see shit that I at least recognize and was ready to be all, "Come on you guys, it's not that weird. Tofu scramble is actually really tasty!"

But no, it is that weird.
posted by soren_lorensen at 9:04 AM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


I suppose my problem with this is that in the future, we'll be eating vat grown nutrient paste in our bunker because the surface world has been destroyed by the externalities of this kind of first world excess.

Survival DustTM
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:05 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?
Slightly less anorexic, but yes
posted by specialagentwebb at 9:05 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


> "zoodles" fills me with rage

Perhaps you'd prefer some Zoo zoo zoo zoo Zoodles?
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:05 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


"Activated nuts" sounds really annoying, but really it's just taking whatever nut you have on hand and soaking it overnight in some saltwater.

NO i wanted it to be nuts in a bulletproof glass case and then you and your nutritionist each go to opposite sides of the room and a retinal scan opens a keyswitch and you both turn your keys, grown from your own bone, at the same time and lasers happen and now the nuts are ~Activated
posted by poffin boffin at 9:06 AM on February 8, 2016 [17 favorites]


Eating (delicious) terrible food genuinely makes lots of people, including me, feel shitty, and swinging the pendulum actually does make me feel better.

Restaurant food, even the $200/plate ones, is about 50% butter. The other 50% is salt. That leaves approximately 0% for digestible fibre. Add to that many restaurants pile on the proteins, oversize portions and sell you as much alcohol as you'll pay for and you've got a great recipe for intestinal slowdowns. Do that for a while and you will feel horrible, stopped up and uncomfortable.

Funny how most "clenses" just turn out to be getting adequate hydration and roughage, typically using foods that won't trigger most IBS sufferers.
posted by bonehead at 9:06 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


we'll be eating vat grown nutrient paste

and the worst part is some asshole will be trying to tell us we're going to get cancer if we don't buy their special probiotic activated Himalayan nutrient paste which they'll gladly sell us for a handful of bullets and a pint of kerosene
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:06 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


The whole article rings very Patrick Bateman-esque to me.
posted by Njotr at 9:07 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


Oh, L.A. rich white women. You just slay me.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:12 AM on February 8, 2016


Hey, leave LA out of this.
posted by teponaztli at 9:13 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


When I was in my early 20's, living in northern Cali, I used to eat a lot like this. And I have to say, it was delicious and I felt great! The community I was a part of all ate similarly, and it was just...normal. Ok, there are some things here that would have been maybe too woo (or too expensive) for us, but nori wraps and zucchini ribbons: we did that, and it can be good and also filling.

What annoys me most is not so much the diet or this lady, but the article itself. It's like most of these "person spotlight" articles in women's magazines: do what this beautiful lady does (read: buy this stuff) and you too can be beautiful. I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future (or maybe it' already happened), Elle did an article about some other beautiful lady who owns a farm in upstate New York and eats nothing but cured meat and home baked bread at her farm table made from reclaimed wood. And if you do just like her (and buy this stuff) you can be beautiful too.

And yes, Kitteh, IT IS JUST BROTH. Maybe I should start charging lots of money for the magical homemade bone broth that is taking up tons of room in my freezer: it will make you beautiful and solve all your woes. Maybe then Elle will write an article about me too.
posted by k8bot at 9:13 AM on February 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


My vegan nut brittle will make you beautiful! I would like to make my living beautifying people via vegan candy, pls. I will call it "activated brittle" and it will cost $25 for a single serving, but it will be tastier than Action Dust, so people will buy it.
posted by Frowner at 9:16 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Rock Steady: "It's awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile.

This might be the worst sentence ever written about food that does not include the word "moist".
"

If you don't like moist food, can I offer you some toast? It's not unctuous at all.
posted by boo_radley at 9:16 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


(I mean, I really do make darn good vegan candy, and it will beautify you through contentment.)
posted by Frowner at 9:16 AM on February 8, 2016


Hey, leave LA out of this.

Born and raised. Third generation. Great grandparents came in the '20s. I'm allowed.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:17 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Delicious Toxins is the name of my new restaurant
posted by bitteroldman at 9:17 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


When I was in my early 20's, living in northern Cali, I used to eat a lot like this. And I have to say, it was delicious and I felt great!

When I was in my early 20s, I lived off of Popeye's, KFC, and burgers. And it was delicious and felt great. That's a feature of being in your early 20s.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:19 AM on February 8, 2016 [23 favorites]


She's selling a pound of boiled cashews for $21?

Boiled in alkaline water, natch. I do believe that's a Yahtzee!
posted by ftm at 9:19 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Also, bone broth is just flat out homemade broth. Stop trying to give it mystical properties. IT IS JUST BROTH.

I object - a proper homemade broth may not be magical, but it is not "just" broth!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:19 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I thought this was mildly amusing when my witty writer friend posted about it on Facebook.

A week later the ubiquitous online teasing has degraded into bullying with a decidedly misogynistic undercurrent.
posted by My Dad at 9:19 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


The best thing about the bone broth bullshit is learning how many seemingly otherwise normal human beings don't know how to make soup, the most basic of human foods, a thing we have made for 20,000 years.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:21 AM on February 8, 2016 [26 favorites]


I object - a proper homemade broth may not be magical, but it is not "just" broth!

It is when you're slapping healing woo on it on blogs and the other news outlets.
posted by Kitteh at 9:22 AM on February 8, 2016


So what's the difference between bone broth and stock you forgot to put your mirepoix into?
posted by bonehead at 9:23 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


The best thing about the bone broth bullshit is learning how many seemingly otherwise normal human beings don't know how to make soup, the most basic of human foods, a thing we have made for 20,000 years.

A shockingly large number of people who are financially, socially and logistically able to cook don't know how. It's the weirdest thing - I keep meeting grown adults with leisure time who have to be told how to chop an onion, who have never heard of browning onions as a first step, etc. These aren't people who come from trauma and dysfunctional families, either - these are people whose families had homemade meals every night and who have good relationships with their families.

It's not my business, and in truth it's always nice to have friends who can't cook because you can dazzle them with the simplest stir fry, but I often wonder how that break-down of knowledge transmission occurs.
posted by Frowner at 9:26 AM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


It's awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile... Then you close the IDE and order pizza.
posted by adept256 at 9:26 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


All I can think is when this lady's business finally stops turning a profit because Hollywood is done with her and moved on to juicing malachite rocks or whatever, will she still eat this way? I suspect I know the answer.

But, y'know, live and let live. Just hope that kid's getting enough to eat. (Then again, knowing toddlers, he'll find food all on his own if he has half a chance.)
posted by offalark at 9:28 AM on February 8, 2016


Funnily enough, I bought a cup of Bone Broth from Pret today (for non-Brits, it's a lunch chain popular with the commuter set). I was hoping for something creamy and soothing, like when my mom makes seolleongtang. But it just tasted like a Bovril (basically a cube of beef stock in hot water) - which to be fair, is nice but I usually reserve that for when I go to lower rate football matches.

Anyway, if you're ever at a Korean restaurant and you need something warm and filling get the seolleongtang!
posted by like_neon at 9:29 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


> It's the weirdest thing - I keep meeting grown adults with leisure time who have to be told how to chop an onion, who have never heard of browning onions as a first step, etc.

Back before I learned how to cook (competently if not spectacularly) a housemate was watching me make my sad Bachelor Spaghetti and asked "Why don't you saute the vegetables before you put them in the sauce?" And I probably leaned my head to the side with my tongue hanging out the way dogs do.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:30 AM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


Are we sure the bone broth at Pret isn't Bovril?

They sell it at Panera now too and I'm also pretty sure that shit is coming out of an aseptic box.
posted by soren_lorensen at 9:32 AM on February 8, 2016


I know people who seem to be proud they don't know how to cook. Except BBQ. They're the idiots that flip the patties fifty times, squash 'em flat, all while holding a beer.
posted by adept256 at 9:33 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


i do appreciate that she calls them "zucchini ribbons" and not "zoodles"

Non-American English speakers have been calling the narrower version "courgetti"
posted by kersplunk at 9:34 AM on February 8, 2016


I only eat passive cashews.
posted by madcaptenor at 9:34 AM on February 8, 2016 [11 favorites]


Do any of these entries serve as advertisement for her juice bar while proving that she drives a BMW? Because otherwise I'm not sure this is worth my time.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:40 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


When I saw this, I was still looking at the world through the lens of the survival prepper lady, and trying to imagine this woman looking out of her post-apocalyptic bunker filled with jars of powdered additives and wondering who would she barter with?
posted by Mchelly at 9:41 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


madcaptenor: "I only eat passive cashews."

Ahem: "Only passive cashews are eaten"
posted by boo_radley at 9:43 AM on February 8, 2016 [74 favorites]


I often wonder how that break-down of knowledge transmission occurs.

Aspirational boomer parenting, "no child of mine will ever have to cook/clean for themselves!" etc etc is my guess.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:44 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


who have never heard of browning onions as a first step

Do you know those "tasty!" 30-sec videos that show how to make a meal ? They NEVER saute the onions first. The meals look good (and that's always about editing and presentation), but man does it bug me about the onions.
posted by k5.user at 9:44 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm much too lazy to do the math, but there honestly don't appear to be anywhere near enough calories in this diet to survive. It reads far more like an orthorectic fantasy than anything real or sustainable.
posted by kanewai at 9:46 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Aspirational boomer parenting, "no child of mine will ever have to cook/clean for themselves!" etc etc is my guess.

I'm glad my mother's approach to parenting was, verbatim: "What do you think this is? A goddamned restaurant?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:47 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm much too lazy to do the math, but there honestly don't appear to be anywhere near enough calories in this diet to survive. It reads far more like an orthorectic fantasy than anything real or sustainable.


But isn't this really just an aspirational ad? Most everything she mentions is available for sale at the store that she owns. Worrying about calories is like complaining that the Rolex ad offices don't really have very good lighting for working.
posted by rtimmel at 9:56 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.

This isn't a horrid combination either. I can totally see this working as a salty, sour, vinegary app. It would be pretty nice with a lighter beer.


I actually think this sounds really good. My problem with it is that she called it "her version of a taco". That's roughly as logical as calling it her version of a grilled cheese sandwich, or boeuf bourguignon, or perhaps an automobile.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [18 favorites]


Nori wraps are great, especially with a bit of protein, I really like the ones at Pod.

Has she even seen what a taco looks like? I mean, if she's from L.A. I presume so, but nori wraps are nothing like a taco. I might forgive her for maybe calling them a burrito but even that's a stretch. I think her diet is effecting her cognitive skills.
posted by like_neon at 10:03 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yeah, most of the food things she describes do sound like they would be tasty (and in case of the nori wrap, is something I actively crave a version of regularly), but they also sound like the appetizer course on Chopped. Reading that didn't make me feel bad about myself, reading it made me feel bad for her, because how in a city with such culinary diversity and with the resources she has at her disposal can she be surviving on a Chopped appetizer round twice a day and five cups of tea? I just want to feed her. Someone round up some grandmas and send them over to her house.
posted by Mizu at 10:10 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


But the key thing to understand is that in five years, she'll be eating..oh, I dunno, whatever is fashionable then, which may well be, like, yucca fries and roast boar. And there will be some kind of high-sounding nutritional rationale for that too, but what it will boil down to (so to speak) is something expensive enough that the masses can't really afford it, so it will serve as a status marker. Farmed human blood, perhaps - college girls will sign up to live on a special diet for a few months and be bled at intervals, or something.
posted by Frowner at 10:18 AM on February 8, 2016 [12 favorites]


the rich will subvert future economic reforms by literally eating other rich people
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:21 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]




My mental reckoning of this diet is about 1000 calories, so either I'm badly out or this is probably at least somewhat lies.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:22 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


the editors left out the part where she wakes up at 2am and eats between four and six Tijuana Mamas
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:27 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm actually betting on two things, this-diet-wise: that there's a lot of almond butter in that drink thing from the morning plus a lot of nuts/olives in the lunch deal, and that she eats more on the weekends or at regular business events - maybe not "pizza and ice cream" more, just bigger helpings of higher protein foods. That or it's possible that she's only been eating like this for a few months. Mainly, I look at it and wonder where the protein is - you can get your basic caloric needs sorta low, IME, but I feel like I'd be all weebly-wobbly after a few days of just almond butter and a scattering of pine nuts.
posted by Frowner at 10:28 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Shilajit is a hand-harvested resin made of primordial matter gathered from the Himalayan mountain ranges.

That sounds dangerously close to "protomatter", which as we all know was one of the main components of the Genesis Device. All I'm saying is, there may be some implications to this stuff that go way beyond soaking rich celebrities.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:34 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I should add that I'm actively trying to diet/lose weight right now, so I'm extra-cranky when I see crap like this. It's enough of a struggle to avoid carbs without being told I need special fungus supplements. When I first read this I said OH HELL NO aloud to my computer.

Hey witchen, I hear ya. I think your OH HELL NO reaction to this article is the right one. You definitely don't need to be able to afford buzzy ingredients to be able to live healthy and eat well.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 10:35 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Activated Nuts is the name of my death-metal band.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:41 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Also my new improv-comedy group.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:43 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was all set to be angry about yet another woman's diet being piloried and concern-trolled on the internet-- and then I saw that she's consuming actual, ground pearls.

Ye gods. This is some serious, fall-of-Rome shit.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:46 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


I wonder how much she paid to be written up in Elle? Maybe they're doing it as a courtesy because she's a regular ad-buyer.

This ought to say "Advertorial" or something.
posted by etherist at 10:47 AM on February 8, 2016


The best thing about the bone broth bullshit is learning how many seemingly otherwise normal human beings don't know how to make soup, the most basic of human foods, a thing we have made for 20,000 years.

I feel like we've done the whole "cooking is easy, how can anyone possibly not know how to do it?" thing before, and I really wish that weren't a thing. Times change, and what people need to know how to do changes with it. Hominids have been crafting stone tools for millions of years, but I couldn't pull off flint knapping if my life depended on it. Clearly these people are able to obtain sustenance.
posted by teponaztli at 10:47 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


She's obviously welcome to eat whatever she wants and I don't think anybody should have a problem with that. What bugs me is the spread of pseudoscientific woo presented uncritically as fact in the article. "Oh, you say that X is good for Y? Interesting. What makes you think that? Where's the evidence?" The accumulation of stuff like this leads to people having a really poor understanding of how the world actually works.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 10:48 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


Shilajit resin contains "over 18 amino acids".

So, 19 amino acids then?
posted by etherist at 10:49 AM on February 8, 2016 [14 favorites]


Kitteh, I've resigned myself to the fact that not eating meat, unless you're literally deprived or have the appetite of a sparrow, makes it harder to lose weight.

Yes, this is literally 100% true in my experience and it is so frustrating. I KNOW I would be slimmer and healthier if I ate meat but factory farming is horrifying and awful so here I am.
posted by kate blank at 10:51 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I enjoy an indulgent tablespoon of protoculture for breakfast, which I get from a Zentradi co-op in Silver Lake
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:51 AM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


As an aside, I have not had any weight issues by being vegan. I have not gained weight; I have not lost significant amounts of weight. Any weight I have lost--and I have lost over 30 pounds over the course of five years--is mostly from eating sensibly and incorporating exercise into my life. I do not like the use of any diet--vegan, omni--used as a fat-shaming or cure-all for people. In fact, I cringe when I hear people say going vegan makes you skinny, or going paleo will make you skinny, etc.
posted by Kitteh at 10:55 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


blue_beetle: "Activated Nuts is the name of my death-metal band."

Greg_Ace: "Also my new improv-comedy group."

And the name of my improv-death-metal band.
posted by boo_radley at 10:58 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


then I saw that she's consuming actual, ground pearls.

*snorts* That's just calcium carbonate. Good news, if you want to replicate her diet then all you need is this, for $8.00. What a deal.

Or you could just eat some sugar free Tums, because they're just CaCO3 too.

Also I'm wild with curiosity about the so called primordial matter from the Himaliyans. Because if I were to gather primordial matter, it would not be from one of the youngest mountain ranges around. I mean, the granite is only about 24 MA and the limestone on top of Mt. Everest is young, like only 450 MA, that's nowhere near primordial. You want primordial? Go to Australia or the Canadian shield or Shark Bay. What a fraud.
posted by barchan at 11:04 AM on February 8, 2016 [23 favorites]


it's black asphaltum, they're eating sidewalk bits

this is where the sidewalk ends, it's in a smoothie
posted by poffin boffin at 11:07 AM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


poffin boffin: "it's black asphaltum, they're eating sidewalk bits

this is where the sidewalk ends, it's in a smoothie
"

Sidewalk ends, four for a dollar.
posted by boo_radley at 11:10 AM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


"Wellness" is the aspirational horseshit for a new generation. It means literally less than nothing, and has nothing to do with health or fitness, but rather shilling suckers out of their hard-earned dollars.

As those supplements are unregulated, I wonder if she or her clients are getting some nice doses of cadmium, other heavy metals, or pesticides.
posted by Existential Dread at 11:13 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Pea sprouts are a genius way to transfer NPP from summer to winter -- peas, bolstered by all that lovely stored starch and sugar, will germinate in cool soil, and green up in relatively little light, so I can get fresh dark greens on a windowsill.
posted by clew at 11:15 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


> Come on, she's not eating $18 worth of silver needle tea a day, nor is she eating the entire bag of pine nuts.

Nor is she paying retail for Moon Juice products...if she's paying anything at all, since, for the purposes of this day's meal, at least, it should be covered by a marketing budget.
posted by Sunburnt at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2016


Ok, I make my own soylent, full on keto soylent. Because I am otherwise lazy and can feed 2 people for less than $15 per day. I do add flavors because life is too short to eat paste. Under 10 g of carbs, around 80 g of protein. Surprisingly, no one has called me crazy. Probably because I don't claim it has any magic properties, also because I call myself crazy first. I try very hard not to be judgy of other people's dietary choices.

But wow. The Moon Juice stuff is insane. Most of it doesn't seem like it is actually digestable, maybe that is why they have to use alchemy. All of it looks like it would taste like punishment.
posted by monopas at 11:20 AM on February 8, 2016


I, too, enjoy pooping 17 times per day.
posted by phunniemee at 11:21 AM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]



Ok, I make my own soylent, full on keto soylent. Because I am otherwise lazy and can feed 2 people for less than $15 per day. I do add flavors because life is too short to eat paste. Under 10 g of carbs, around 80 g of protein. Surprisingly, no one has called me crazy. Probably because I don't claim it has any magic properties, also because I call myself crazy first. I try very hard not to be judgy of other people's dietary choices.


What do you do about fiber? Is it all-soylent all-the-time, or is soylent a sometimes food? Has this impacted your digestion at all? I admit that if one is actually bored by food, soylent makes sense, but when I read about it I wonder how it stands in for the structural elements of vegetables and fruits.
posted by Frowner at 11:23 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


She owns Moonjuice. Moonjuice sells $20 smoothies, opposite Cafe Gratitude, where food is named after affirmations, and down the road from the Venice Beach Whole Foods. There are roughly a million yoga studios within a five minute float.

What I'm saying is, Forget it Jake, this is Venice Beach. You're not the audience.
posted by DangerIsMyMiddleName at 11:26 AM on February 8, 2016 [11 favorites]


DangerIsMyMiddleName: "Moonjuice sells $20 smoothies, opposite Cafe Gratitude, where food is named after affirmations"

Can you describe some of these affirmation foods? I'm genuinely curious about what that sounds like.
posted by boo_radley at 11:32 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


*snorts* That's just calcium carbonate. Good news, if you want to replicate her diet then all you need is this, for $8.00. What a deal.

I feed my daughter, Emyn Duir, ground-up chalk that has been certified to have been used to write math problems that helped brilliant but disadvantaged children achieve educational breakthroughs in inner-city schools
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:36 AM on February 8, 2016 [12 favorites]


Can you describe some of these affirmation foods? I'm genuinely curious about what that sounds like.

Gee Your Breath Smells Fantastic Garlic Kale Smoothie
posted by phunniemee at 11:36 AM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Gee Your Breath Smells Fantastic Garlic Kale Smoothie

JESUS CHRIST I FEEL ALIVE wasabi snooters
posted by Existential Dread at 11:38 AM on February 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


WHAT THE FUCK THIS SMELLS LIKE ASS kombucha tea

I'm doing this wrong aren't I
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:41 AM on February 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


The moment I realized that this was not real was when she stated that she made her nori wrap in 45 seconds while texting. At this point I'm siding with the people who think this is pure advertising with a healthy dose of wishful thinking.

Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?

Story time.

My grandmother moved to Santa Cruz in the early 1970's and had her first contact with west coast mysticism. At a UCSC faculty meeting one of the instructors was bragging about how his diet was so pure that his bodily fluids were crystal colored. His blood was crystal pure, even his sperm was crystal pure.

My grandmother couldn't understand why no one was laughing. And being of good Boston stock, she promptly asked if he also shat crystals.
posted by kanewai at 11:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


3) Selling pseudoscience tends to make some people angry.

Yes, this. My mother suffers from an untreated mental illness that expresses itself, partially, by following quacks like this woman. And by following, I mean spends tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on "supplements" and "treatments" for diseases she does not have. Because she trusts what the quacks tell her, and the quacks tell her to eat a diet so heavy in supplements there's barely any room for actual, you know, food.

One quack said silver teeth fillings are bad and she has necrotic gums, and the next thing I know my mother is paying someone out of pocket to remove all her fillings and drill down into her gums to give her antibiotics. I'm not sure he was a dentist.

Then another quack tells her she has unspecified "parasites" in her muscles and the cure is simple: Swallow this metal chunk, shit it out, soak it in vodka, then repeat the process twice more. Yes, with the same piece of metal. That person called himself a chiropractor and a nutritionist.

Then an additional quack says she's got "chronic lyme syndrome" and that no, it won't kill her (as she feared/hoped). "The only way this will kill your mother is when she jumps out a window because no one believes she has it." He said that while looking in her eyes. This person went to medical school and did a residency in gerontology, not infectious disease.

So yeah, color me angry about the pseudoscience. This Moon Juice woman is part of the quack machine. Easy to mock when it's stupid Gwyneth Paltrow and her GOOP stuff, but harder to take when it's a real person who's utterly lost to this bullshit.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:57 AM on February 8, 2016 [12 favorites]


> I was all set to be angry about yet another woman's diet being piloried and concern-trolled on the internet-- and then I saw that she's consuming actual, ground pearls.

There's probably a lot of leftover pearl (and mother-of-pearl) material waste from the pearl industry as they polish pearls, discard off-color and oddly-shaped specimens.
posted by Sunburnt at 11:57 AM on February 8, 2016


Can you describe some of these affirmation foods?

It's been a while, but if I'm remembering right, all the dishes are given names like "I am loved" or "I am appreciated," so that when you order you get to tell your server how great you are.

The food's not bad, but I always joked about having a restaurant that was more my speed, where every dish was called things like "I am no longer interested in things I used to like" or "I feel alienated from the people I thought I loved."
posted by teponaztli at 11:59 AM on February 8, 2016 [21 favorites]


MetaFilter: I feel alienated from the people I thought I loved.
posted by Sunburnt at 12:00 PM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


When I first read this I thought it was absolutely hilarious, but I think part of why it has become viral is that it is beautifully written:

I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.

That sentence is a thing of beauty.
posted by maggiemaggie at 12:04 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


You can read Cafe Gratitude's food titles on their website.
posted by blurker at 12:18 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


It's the weirdest thing - I keep meeting grown adults with leisure time who have to be told how to chop an onion, who have never heard of browning onions as a first step, etc.

By the time I was of age to learn to cook, Mom had started FT work and moved almost exclusively to convenience foods for us. Hamburger helper, rice-a-roni, jarred sauces and gravies. Fresh produce was expensive and was a waste if it went bad or if picky sibling or father didn't eat it. I don't think I saw an actual clove of garlic until college, when I went to a friend's house for dinner. When I graduated and was first married, we were poor and it was cheaper (and better tasting with more variety) to eat from fast food dollar menus. That's how you get grown adults who don't know how to deal with onions that aren't onion powder or come from a soup packet.

Now that I'm older and financially better off than I was, I bought a Mark Bittman cookbook and am learning how to cook meals from scratch. But it doesn't come naturally to me and it's not easy or fun.
posted by kimberussell at 12:22 PM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


Can you describe some of these affirmation foods?

It's been a while, but if I'm remembering right, all the dishes are given names like "I am loved" or "I am appreciated," so that when you order you get to tell your server how great you are.

YES! I believe the idea is that when you place your order, you'd say "I Am Awesome" to the server and the server would confirm your order by responding "You Are Awesome." At least, that was my experience the few times I ate at the Berkeley location. Of course, I could never bring myself to actually say those affirmations out loud, so I used to just describe the dish (the sushi bowl, the tempeh wrap etc).
posted by peripathetic at 12:32 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yes, she's got a marketing image to portray to some degree, but isn't it also a sad reflection of our society that she may feel that she has to live up to this image to sell her wares?

This is exactly how I feel. I'm unhappy that she is personally out there shilling a diet that reinforces society's beliefs about how women only have worth if we starve ourselves. But I'm also unhappy that she has to eat that way in the first place, in order for her to be valued as an entrepreneur, because she's a woman.
posted by capricorn at 12:33 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


The moment I realized that this was not real was when she stated that she made her nori wrap in 45 seconds while texting.

Standing at the counter while gesturing vaugely at your intern doesn't take that long.
posted by bonehead at 12:41 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]



a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.

This is totally the current version of culinary exoticism. It's "foodie" ingredients most people will not have heard of, let alone had a chance to try. They might have seen Paltow or Bourdain eat them though. It certainly sounds like the sorts of things they'd try.


In general, sure, although while I'm not 100% sure what "cultured sea vegetables" are, a search tells me its probably stuff like wakame. Which basically means this is a veggie Japanese-California fusiony thing, which doesn't seem terribly weird for LA.

I mean, it's no more a taco than a hotdog is a sandwich, but it doesn't seem spectacularly weird, especially since if you're in Venice/Santa Monica you have easy access to a variety of Japanese/Korean markets.

If you live in like Missouri or Kansas, these ingredients are probably less available.
posted by thefoxgod at 12:50 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Please check out the Kickstarter for my spoken word album Before My Son Rohan Wakes.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:52 PM on February 8, 2016 [13 favorites]


Oh, and Cafe Gratitude is actually pretty good despite the wacky names and stuff. I've never stopped in Moon Juice but I pass by it every day going to/from work.

For Venice, these kind of places are perfectly at home.
posted by thefoxgod at 12:57 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Venice is weird. It's always had this side to it, but it's also gentrified a whole lot in the past ten years. I never spent much time there, but even I've noticed how different it is now. Moon Juice seems like the kind of place that goes in hand with... er, the spirit of Venice, but with new Venice prices.
posted by teponaztli at 1:11 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


But I'm also unhappy that she has to eat that way in the first place, in order for her to be valued as an entrepreneur, because she's a woman.

I take your point but it's not like making food for woodland sprites was the only entrepreneurial choice available to her

I mean, it's no more a taco than a hotdog is a sandwich

OH OH OH is this a sandwich theory thread now??
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:14 PM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


Why Sandwich Theory? - Gang of Four Flour
posted by Existential Dread at 1:32 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty sure Amanda Chantal Bacon is Edina Monsoon's nutritional consultant. Or at least, in a perfect world she would be.
posted by valkane at 1:33 PM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


I like how her name is Bacon, so her clients are constantly stuck with a reminder of an actual food while she's selling them on a diet of lichen foam and vitality silt and whatnot
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:36 PM on February 8, 2016 [11 favorites]


Frowner: What do you do about fiber? Is it all-soylent all-the-time, or is soylent a sometimes food? Has this impacted your digestion at all? I admit that if one is actually bored by food, soylent makes sense, but when I read about it I wonder how it stands in for the structural elements of vegetables and fruits.

Well, assuming 100% of diet, brand name Soylent has about 12-15 g of fiber per day. Keto Chow has 15 g. Mine has 3 or 4 g. I have Idiopathic IBS and have issues in that area, so it is good for me as veggies are often not my friends. Digestion is far more predictable. My mother has normal digestion, and she's not had much of a problem beyond a general adjustment period, once I got the magnesium content right. We've been consuming between 75-100% of our calories as soylent for over 6 months. Neither of us is bored with or by food, I just got tired of cooking and really hate cleaning, and now she has a commute than can be up to 3 hours each way. We've saved a lot of money over what we used to spend on food (eating low carb), which made a huge difference this summer while my mother was out of work. It is nice not to have to think about food all the time or to have to go shopping as often, and I know that we are both getting adequate amounts of the micronutrients. We eat real food on the weekends. It is the opposite of woo.
posted by monopas at 3:45 PM on February 8, 2016


Are Cordyceps varieties really vegan? I know that some vegans eat honey, some refuse it, but medicinal Asian Cordyceps (which I assume is what she's eating) are grown on bugs. The biggest and most expensive are grown on caterpillars -- thus preventing the natural development to moth of this living creature, this being anti-vegan philosophy as I understand it.
posted by CCBC at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Okay the pearls and what not are weird but the rest of it sounds like the food I grew up with.

For example, if

nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts

showed up as a special at Cha Ya (the vegan sushi place that's been in Berkeley for decades, I'm pretty sure. EDIT: Opened in 2000 only.) I wouldn't think twice.

Seaweed on barley? Pretty normal when I was a kid.

Almond milk chia seed "pudding"? Also normal. (Coconut milk is better.)

in other words, a lot of it seems to just be Pacific Northwest food.

It wouldn't seem weird to me at all if someone felt a copper cup made their silver needle and calendula tisanes bettter. We have all sorts of rules about what not to drink wine in, after all, and I personally hate drinking tea out of glass or metal.

Also, I have at least three friends who make moon-juice type weird tonics as a hobby. It's just a thing. It's less snooty than home brewing. (My pet theory on this is that because tonics are made by women more often than men, the hobby suffers from women's-work stigma).

Anyway. I'm glad she's making a little money off of it. Last year it was southern food. This year, maybe PNW gets some spotlight. I'm sure after that it'll be Florida food or something.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


awakened key limes
alligator tears in a pewter chalice
orange zest in a swamp greens wrap -- my version of a cubano sandwich!
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:04 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Cafe Gratitude is actually pretty good

I could never get into it, though I eventually embraced the affirmations. (And the servers were endlessly patient when every single patron would say "I am impatient!" instead of "I am awesome."

They'd usually answer cheerfully, "Right? It's good to honor the shadow side!"

I got an upset stomach there more often than not. However, when I'm feeling flush, I do french press chocolate nibs instead of coffee at breakfast, which I learned from there.

Also, it's culture was a little on the culty side.

I hear the Berkeley one closed in December.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:05 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


They'd usually answer cheerfully, "Right? It's good to honor the shadow side!"

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:06 PM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


I couldn't agree more, prize_bull. It gets under my skin when people start a sentence by croaking RIIEEEGHT?
posted by Sunburnt at 4:08 PM on February 8, 2016


did someone post this already? dramatic interp
posted by jcruelty at 4:27 PM on February 8, 2016


Okay, maybe they didn't start out with the "Right?" but whatever an equivalent would be.

Personally, I don't mind when people say "Right?" as a sentence starter. Usually it's the beginning of something very funny.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:34 PM on February 8, 2016


This thread reminds me of that meyer lemon Mark Bittman post. Just because certain recipes and food styles are hard to replicate on the east coast doesn't mean they're pretentious everywhere.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:41 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I know how to make soup.
posted by valkane at 6:24 PM on February 8, 2016


To moisturize my face, I found an Ayurvedic, organic face cream called EcoBotanica Damask Rose Creme. This woman sources everything from India, makes products in super small batches in a traditional, Ayurvedic way, and even chants mantras into them.
posted by unliteral at 6:39 PM on February 8, 2016


This woman sources everything from India: Why is this a positive? I thought food miles, buying local was the cool thing now.
makes products in super small batches: This seems highly inefficient and likely to make the product subject to variation.
a traditional, Ayurvedic way: Whose tradition?
and even chants mantras into them: Aah, but are they good mantras or evil mantras? How can we be sure?
posted by Jimbob at 8:36 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts.

This is totally the current version of culinary exoticism. It's "foodie" ingredients most people will not have heard of, let alone had a chance to try. They might have seen Paltow or Bourdain eat them though. It certainly sounds like the sorts of things they'd try.


I have to disagree with this: seaweed, avocado, and umeboshi are basic ingredients for sushi found virtually anywhere sushi above pre-made CVS sushi exists, which is a broad and wide swath, even if most people call it seaweed, not nori. Moon Juice sells a blend that's mostly cabbage and carrots, making it less interesting than just about every mu shu vegetable plate I've shoveled into my uncultured face. (It's also exponentially more expensive than mu shu vegetables and appears to lack plum sauce and pancakes, so I'm giving it to mu shu vegetables by virtue of plum sauce alone.) I have yet to eat a pea sprout in sushi, but that's mainly because that sounds less delicious than avocado.

STILL NOT A GODDAMN TACO THOUGH
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:51 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Have there been men with similar diets that have gotten this much scrutiny?

In Australia there's Pete Evans, who apparently drinks 'alkalised water with added vinegar' amongst other things.

He also wrote a cookbook aimed at parents which advocated replacing infant formula with bone broth which was potentially toxic.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 9:13 PM on February 8, 2016


jetlagaddict: It's also exponentially more expensive than mu shu vegetables and appears to lack plum sauce and pancakes,

Team hoisin sauce for mu shu here, but I support your point, particularly on the pancake issue.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:57 PM on February 8, 2016


alkalised water with added vinegar

So, he takes alkalised water and acidifies it? Is the end result just water? Skanky water that tastes bad? Really expensive skanky water that tastes bad?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:11 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Except BBQ. They're the idiots that flip the patties fifty times, squash 'em flat, all while holding a beer.

Constant flipping is actually a good thing. It keeps the meat at a lower temperature, therefore much more moist. The Maillard reaction develops slower, is all.

I personally despise this woo-peddling in TFA because it's hard enough to get people to understand that yes you can make cheap and tasty food at home that is also healthy (modulo issues of poverty, disability, etc, which need to be addressed in more widespread and structural ways), really you can, and is also quick, without bringing into it needing to eat bizarre expensive supplements that do fuck all except line the bank accounts of people who are laughing at you.

NB: umeboshi is not bizarre, nor are many of the specific base ingredients in this article. (Except ground pearls because fuck the fuck off.) What is bizarre is the magical properties ascribed to them.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:12 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Please tell me more about these magic enzymes that convert all of the brown rice carbohydrates into proteins. So they break up sugar polymers, split Carbon rings into amino acid backbones, add/fix nitrogen, and then re-polymerize the amino acids into proteins? Wow.

She's wasting her time selling nutraceuticals if she's got her hands on such incredibly powerful, hitherto unimagined enzymes.
posted by yellowcandy at 11:29 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


in other words, a lot of it seems to just be Pacific Northwest food.

To be clear, I don't care what she eats. The hawking of the supplements is the anti-science content I object to.

Also, I have at least three friends who make moon-juice type weird tonics as a hobby. It's just a thing. It's less snooty than home brewing. (My pet theory on this is that because tonics are made by women more often than men, the hobby suffers from women's-work stigma).

In my 30+ years of experience with quacks who peddle supplements with no basis in science to suckers eager to part with their money, it's usually men who are making the money. And it's usually women who are falling for the scam.

Some choice meaningless, anti-science gibberish quotes from the supplements in her regimen:

Brain Dust: "an adaptogenic elixir"

Cordyceps: "exponentially increases cellular oxygen absorption"

Reishi: "imparts feelings of centeredness and strength"

Maca: "tonifying... the endocrine system"

Shilajit resin: "made of primordial matter"  "A known love potion"

Ho Shou Wu: “adaptogenic hormone tonic”

Quinton Hypertonic Box: "is three times the mineral concentration of your blood"
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 6:14 AM on February 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


yeah wtf does 'adaptogenic' mean
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:38 AM on February 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


yeah wtf does 'adaptogenic' mean

"science has never been able to prove that this actually works but if i use this word i can charge you an extra $10"
posted by poffin boffin at 8:44 AM on February 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


mmmm, scienticious
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:47 AM on February 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


ImproviseOrDie: ""made of primordial matter""

Like that stuff from Time Bandits, right? Who wouldn't love that!?
posted by boo_radley at 9:28 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have to disagree with this: seaweed, avocado, and umeboshi are basic ingredients for sushi found virtually anywhere sushi above pre-made CVS sushi exists

I don't disagree that these are well-known, even common in certain circles. However, how many of these would you want to guess a Walmart shopper has in their basket at checkout (as individual items, as listed for sale in the OP)? The avocado is a gimme, but the rest are class/economic privilege markers. That's the point when you're selling aspirational food.
posted by bonehead at 11:38 AM on February 9, 2016


umeboshi is not bizarre, nor are many of the specific base ingredients in this article.

I'll bet if you stopped folks on the street you would get 9 out of 10 or more blank looks for umeboshi.

Moon Juice is selling nori and pearls and pea sprouts because they sound fancy to the aspirational buyers. This is less about the things themselves, many of which can be had from other sources for pennies on the dollar, more about selling fancy and exotic-sounding exclusivity and privilege markers.
posted by bonehead at 11:45 AM on February 9, 2016


Poor people can replicate the charm and excitement of this diet by soaking expired hot dog rolls in water and squeezing the juice out of them into a fancy cup. If you don't do this you are not aspirational and deserve your health problems and position in life.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:04 PM on February 9, 2016


The avocado is a gimme, but the rest are class/economic privilege markers. That's the point when you're selling aspirational food.

Its about location and familiarity, not class, really. You can get really cheap seaweed/umeboshi easily here (LA). There are plenty of cheap Korean markets that would have this stuff (or Japanese markets in like Torrance -- the ones in Santa Monica / Little Tokyo will be a little more due to location), I live near Koreatown and this stuff is not expensive at all. No one (more or less) who lives in Koreatown is wealthy, at least by LA standards (its one of the cheapest parts of central LA, mostly Hispanic and Korean by ethnicity). I suspect a high percentage of East Asians would be familiar with these ingredients, not an uncommon demographic here.

In Kansas, you're probably right, but this woman/store are in Los Angeles aimed at an LA market (which is much more heavily influenced by East Asian cuisine than most of America). Is your issue that its in a national magazine and not just, say, LA Times?

That said, her specific store is very overpriced, but its also in a CRAZY expensive area (after Abbot Kinney blew up, Rose is becoming another trendy street to put high priced hippie-Venice type stuff). Rents in Venice/Santa Monica are the highest in Los Angeles, and stores are priced "appropriately" based on that :P
posted by thefoxgod at 3:45 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


My feelings about Moon Juice have now evolved from mild horror to grudging respect. These folks are seriously pushing the psychoceramic envelope.

From the listing for another product in the Moon Juice shop:

Orbitally Rearranged Monoatomic Elements

Ormus is a liquid suspension of semi-precious metals and mono-atomic elements in a high-spin state. Ormus by Prescott and Love Alchemy activates the pineal gland, electro-magnetically balances the cells, feeds the nervous system, and raises your vibration.


I mean, damn. It's like a Time Cube you can drink.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 7:05 PM on February 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


In Kansas, you're probably right, but this woman/store are in Los Angeles aimed at an LA market (which is much more heavily influenced by East Asian cuisine than most of America). Is your issue that its in a national magazine and not just, say, LA Times? ... That said, her specific store is very overpriced, but its also in a CRAZY expensive area

You're saying that the store sells mostly to a certain well-to-do, socially advantaged customer, who likely is not the norm in the US. That they are at the upper end of that advantaged market, one that is held up in international media as one of the most desirable places to live on the planet and that they've just been published in one of the higher end fashion magazines.

How is this not aspirational marketing again? This isn't about a nifty little store in Topeka in the community weekly.
posted by bonehead at 10:21 PM on February 9, 2016


I live in the Rainier Valley, which is a not-so-affluent part of Seattle with a large Asian population. Around here, umeboshi, nori, and pea shoots are super easy to find. The aspirational, yuppie co-op has umeboshi and nori, but to get the (tasty and delightful) pea vines, you'd probably need to go to one of the Asian grocery stores or produce stands.

I think Bacon's avocado-umeboshi-nori non-taco is less about fanciness than it is an edible form of Orientalism.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:00 AM on February 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Or you just grow your own pea vines. They grow like crazy. (As do pea shoots, obviously. Also, pea shoots are delicious and wonderfully pea-flavored without being starchy.)
posted by small_ruminant at 6:10 PM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


palmcorder_yajna: "I mean, damn. It's like a Time Cube you can drink."

It's like audiophilia for your belly
posted by boo_radley at 12:41 PM on February 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


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